Chazaq event with Dr. Dovid Lieberman on Bechira / Free Will

[Music] ladies and gentlemen welcome to the community center where tonight khazak is honored and privileged to host a world renowned lecture and award-winning author Dr David lman over in our community uh it's a big honor for us to have him uh just in time after his brand new release of Free Will Works which will be tonight's topic as well uh before we begin with some quick announcements and then calling on the doctor for the elure I do want to mention that tonight's event is dedicated in loving memory of Z Tamar Shu Bena shomen I want to thank my good friend for initiating tonight's event also our sponsors David nazarov Roman amanov and we want to thank Robert from Sushi Fusion for the amazing Sushi before the event thank you very much Sushi Fusion uh regarding upcoming events and programs uh tomorrow night kazak will be having a special kumzits with ysf carduner live that's going to be at the Young Israel of card Hills and card Hills obviously uh doors open at 7:30 p.m. please come one and all fun for the entire family young and old everyone should be there should be very inspiring and exciting Wednesday night for ladies Kevy garingo who is a renowned lecturer will be speaking speaking on the topic of how to genuinely be happy for others that's going to be right over here at for woman only ladies please com and spread the word let all your friends know as well Sushi served at 8:00 p.m. lecture at 8:30 p.m. on Thursday night we're going to be having two events number one we're involved with the worldwide kalalake part of the shabas project that's going to be in sh TOA uh that's obviously for ladies and also a special lecture in Hebrew with the rabbi ofis from Israel for men and women the lecture will be in Hebrew but there will be uh headphones for live translation into English that's going to be yes the is in sh to Gardens the lecture with RAB will be in Hills by Yesa this shabas and this is the last event announcement uh last night we had a massive tillum Gathering uh there was standing room only it was unbelievable the unity the men woman young old everyone together in and inspiration uh hopefully we will not have to have uh the the terror in the situation should definitely be better MIT but we will still have the Gathering no matter what for should be a a gathering of of things as opposed to a crisis that's shabas I believe RAB mosh is the guest speaker and I believe it's also in yes you'll see the fs and the emails and the text messages uh you you'll be definitely reing that um everyone knows about the kazak organization your support is obviously needed to continue strong and to do more I don't want to go into all the different programs but biter very quickly is the kak weekly Publications the par paper the magazine the CDs the Torah libraries the teens division the women's division the live lectures etc etc etc and we could definitely do more but obviously we need more people involved it doesn't have to only be money or finances it could be your time volunt hearing ideas whatever it is um with that it is my honor to call upon I guess my very good friend a man who I've definitely seen around read his books seen his books uh Dr David leing let's give a nice loud and Round of Applause thank you Rabbi thank you thank you Rabbi thank you for inviting me uh it is tremendous close for me to have my in-laws here at the Kingsburg so thank you very much for coming out here and it's very nice to see you all I'd like to make this talk as practical and useful as possible so as you move along if you have any questions you have any comments you have any thoughts feel free to fire away you can interrupt me I don't mind I've been married for some time it's okay see can I can I make those jokes with my in-laws here I'm just thinking is that okay okay I'll see if I get the thumbs up or not right so we're going to be speaking about how Free Will Works which is the title of my recent book and which is you know 400 Pages or 300 pages plus so it's hard to encapsulate it into a short presentation so with your permission I'm going to sort of crystallize some of the key Concepts and in doing so I was giving thought in terms of how best to present the material so I found myself uh walking into the Department of Motor Vehicles recently which by the way has the same gatria as gehenom interesting just a little Torah there for you so I'm there and it's an amazing scene I mean most of us have been through Department of Motor Vehicles that's like you know the common denominator of humanity and I'm watching one scene unfold where this increasing the iate person is arguing with somebody it's like go figure right and and then this person says he says I want to see the manager now I know what you know no good is going to come from this but he insists on seeing the manager and you can't help but sort of just watch these you know car accidents unfold in person so out comes this woman who she just you ever see someone they just look incompetent that was her so she walks out like you know she graduated from Cinnabon you know not not not really instilling instilling confidence in a lot of people and of course the conversation didn't go well I'm looking over at somebody else and he's just sitting very Serene and sort of it makes you wonder how is it that some people sort of just roll with the punches While others become bothered by every little bump and scrape and just their frustration level is just so very low and that's what I like to talk about because not only does this go to the core of B free will but it goes to the theme of what it means to be emotionally healthy and that is what we call perspective let me give you an example imagine somebody that's driving along and they get into a car accident surgeries months of Rehabilitation just to be able to walk they're in the hospital surgery surgery Rehabilitation back and forth after one year they walk out on their own two feet what is their gratitude to Hashem immense they're so thankful they're so appreciative they're able to walk out of this Hospital on their own two feet after enduring so much how long does that gratitude that appreciation last is it fleeting or do they think about it and think about it and it lasts yeah no right now let me ask you another question let's say someone's driving along and they almost get into an accident they Veer hot bear with me English is my second language I don't have a first language people always C me more slack when they hear it's my second language he sees SP beautifully it's a second language right so they end up with a lab full of hot coffee right and they're like oh thank you God oh thank you right the Gratitude is fleeting right and when we arrive at our destination without any incident without any accident without any lap full of hot coffee all we do is complain about the traffic how is it that the person that endured the most pain the most suffering the surgeries the rehabilitation ends up with such an appreciation such an accar to AEM you think the other way around you think that the person that arrives from point A to point B without any accident without any is thrilled he's walking around tickled pink why is it that the more we go through sometimes the more appreciative we are so I gave this idea over at a shabbaton recently and person comes uh up to me afterwards and says I have an amazing story for you I sound like PES cron now right I want to tell you a story I have an amazing story he says I just read or heard I forgot how it goes this is why I'm not pakon cuz I take an hour story and condense into 4 minutes so he says that somebody came over to Rak and said I'm making a little Kish we my wife had a baby girl RAB said why you making a small Kish he says well you know making a little Kish so let me ask you a question what if it took you 15 years to have this baby and you went through surgeries and Davin and procedures and back to hospitals forth and you had a baby girl after 15 years how big would your kidish be huge magnificent so he said let me get this straight Hashem saved you from 15 years of pain and suffering why isn't your kidish bigger because he didn't put you through all that do you see the insanity of this right when we simply wake up in the morning and we wake up we're ahead of the game you get out of bed you're batting a thousand it's a great day in the old days the muser smoo was very simple you're alive isn't that enough that was it so we don't have perspective because that's really what perspective is right if I lose perspective I don't appreciate these things I have perspective I appreciate them nothing has to happen to make see that's just it perspective gives us a sense of gratitude nothing has to happen to make me feel good I simply walk around with a complete and total appreciation you need a candid shot my wife always wants to know why it is I'm eating in all the pictures so she seees so I don't have a fork in my mouth so you can just lots of pictures throughout the entire lecture okay fine but be on your toes okay none with a fork take a casual shot okay I missed the pose that's [Laughter] okay that's what perspective does perspective is our ability to see accept and respond to our world that is in a nutshell mental health right my ability to see accept and respond to the reality when we lose perspective we lose our sanity the med says Adam had ronne could see from one end of the Earth to the other before the eight of horror the serpent entered right man's perspective was unfettered we could see perfectly perfect clarity it was only once theat a horror the ego became internalized did we begin to see through this cloudy lens of eye everything became about us so instead of a window it was a mirror and we see a reflection of our own wants and needs rather than ity the less ey there is the wider my perspective see perspective is my ability to see reality the one thing that blocks reality is my ego is me I get in the way of seeing clearly and we know this is true in our own lives whenever you're hyperfocused whenever you're worried concerned about something you lose all perspective you go crazy in these little pockets and when those Pockets expand there goes our sanity so what I like to talk about tonight is how to gain perspective because our ability to exercise Free Will hinges on our ability to see reality if you can't see you can't accept you can't accept you can't respond so how does a person gain perspective there are two major ways number one buy my book yes yes thank you easiest way that's the easiest way you're right you know it's the easiest way however how do you gain perspective so two ways number one is this sometimes Hashem gives us flashes of reality you walk out of the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital you drive by an accident right you don't feel like joking laughing gossiping Lush and horror you just right you're just quiet you've gotten a glimpse of reality your ego is just stifled your Nish comes through you're connected and you gain in that instance ah a little bit of clarity and then what do we do the old that's right nothing not a blessed thing however if we capture that moment moment of inspiration right and that's that what that is is by the way you ever feel inspired to do something you think you do anything you can start a new job move to a new city clean out the closets right whatever it is right that inspiration that moment of of excitement and enthusiasm is our n is speaking to us where we have that sense of clarity that sense of purpose but like a lot of people we just sort of lie down and take a nap and wait for the feeling to pass right but if we're able to capture it and move in the physical world see that's our job here is not to separate spiritual from the physical but to infuse the physical with a sense of spirituality right the other guys say spiritual here physical here we say no take physical and elevate it you make a br on an Apple you see an old friend braa you elevate it as a matter of fact the concept of gratitude the concept of aob is steep in Judaism we cannot do anything without showing our appreciation clap of Thunder smell a rose see an old friend ABA connecting it something larger the idea about a carus aove showing gratitude is what it means to be a Jew and you can't be grateful unless you've got perspective here's how it works by the way if we had a chalkboard it' be easier but you've got perspective leads us to humility when you see clearly you know who you are you can you you you suddenly gain a sense of clarity and that brings a great sense of humility that humility leads to gratitude gratitude leads to what and want to guess what gratitude leads to yeah whoa great who said happiness yo very good I'd give you a free book if I weren't Jewish very good gratitude leads to sim we know people that are filled with sense of gratitude they're very happy they walk around gratitude and Joy are intimately connected you can't have one without the other we know people that walk around that the sense of entitlement because here's what happens lack of perspective doesn't lead to humility leads to arrogance arrogance leads to ingratitude ingratitude that person is just one thing away from happiness they're just missing the one thing that will bring them a sense of satisfaction a sense of Joy a sense of meaning a sense of pleasure they're always always one thing short and like Shalom reminds us those that want 200 want 400 400 you never satiated because a person La gratitude is like an empty CLE there there's no bottom in the in the cup you pour and you pour and you pour in It's never enough people who are I was speaking to my wife just about this you you know my wife my lovely wife right we're talking about somebody who's just they're just the person's just bitter a bitter person can't taste anything sweet No Matter How Sweet It Is the world can shower blessings upon them not good good enough which ultimately means then an amazing thing and that is that our happiness is largely in our hands which is startling okay now let's go back to mental health perspective is synonymous my ability to see accept the response of my will that's what it means to be healthy right now one way to capture this is in those moments of inspiration is to actually take action to do to move in the physical world and when that window opens we move in the physical world and another window opens we sometimes think to ourselves you know what I'm inspired now but it's not going to last I'm not going to take that's it's a hard talking to us whenever we feel inspired to take action when we have that Moment of clarity the objective is to capitalize on it and to do something meaningful and something purposeful with it those are gifts those flashes of perspective right now what's the other way this is something that goes to the core of this book it's something I've written about in a number of my books there are three forces within the human being we've got the body the ego and the soul the body wants to do it feels good the ego wants to do what looks good our soul and our shama wants to do what truly is good right the alarm clock goes off in the morning and they'll battle it out that's the what's say that's my ego that's your ego yes anytime we overindulge in the body EA in excess excess sleep excess entertainment you need something oh you're so sweet um if you can set it up in like 30 seconds without a lot of effort that is so nice of you I knew I should have wished for a million dollars wish see you should always stream big oh yeah mesia that would have been better okay uh ah fine body ego Soul thank you very much right so whenever we overindulge in the body eat an excess excess sleep right that's the body the ego anytime you buy you can't afford make a joke at someone else's expense think of the ego by the way as a projection machine a movie an image of how you want the rest of the world to see you and the wider the chasm the bigger the difference between who I am and this image the more draining it is and we know this is true in our own lives whenever you try to project an image a facade a face put on a show for somebody else you're just so darn drained because it's not you and here's what happens when you consort who you are you twist who you are you change move away from what you know to be right and true so that somebody else will like you so that somebody else will praise you so that somebody else will appreciate you they don't respect you and you don't respect you right that is so thoughtful thank you what about a writing a writing I think okay no that's okay do you have a marker you have a marker you go thank you so much very sweet thank you thank you that's okay thank okay how you like this handwriting huh there we go see we can work together can we yeah all right thank you very much very sweet okay perspective humility gratitude Joy right now again sometimes Hashem gives us flashes a perspective allows us to see clearly now before Oh anyway then we got into the second idea in terms about the body the ego and the soul body wants to do it feels good ego wants to do it looks good whenever again we said we twist and contort ourselves to accommodate somebody else we lose respect for ourselves they lose respect for us when a person makes a choice to do what's right and responsible in spite of what feels good or looks good that's how we gain self-esteem that's how we like ourselves and in doing so the ego shrinks see it's the ego that blocks perspective self-esteem and the ego are inversely related it's like a seao when one goes up the other goes down the more self-esteem I have the more I genuinely like me the smaller the ego the less self-esteem I have the bigger the ego the ego is a blocks reality I can't see you I just see me we know people like this they couldn't make it here tonight though the yeah yeah they're completely egocentric the world revolves around them quick question any B when you're living with a person who's not happy wow thanks for the hypothetical um [Laughter] okay yes you know what are you asking a very good fair question I'm just not sure we can give it the attention deserves it would be okay if we spoke about that afterwards okay the attention oh okay great idea yeah okay so um the more I like me yeah again the less I need for you like me and when a person's egocentric the world roles around them and it's very hard by the way the tment says for example man and hasem cannot occupy the same space if there's too much me to get in the way there's no room for the create of the universe right people who are egocentric they lose the ability to connect with god with others but also with themselves they are extremely isolated and lonely because the if the ego brings us to arrogance right that blocks our Nama so I'm not connecting with my real me that's why the egocentric person is anxious and depressed I'm anxious because I will'll get to in a second and I'm depressed because I'm not moving my life forward I'm not living for me meaning my n I'm living so that the world will like me that means I'm going to do whatever it takes I'll earn a lot of money so people say wow great guy right peros talks about four desirable traits who is wealthy who is honored who is wise who is strong right according to the rest of the world who's a wealthy person withy person with right right the rest of the world person is wealthy according to the Torah right person appreciates his that's right right now you got you have to know your Audience by the way I was at a shabat ton some time ago and my son was complaining that his sister had gotten a bigger cookie than he did so I saw the rabbi walked by and I said ah here's my chance to impression him so I knelt down behind him my Den I said sweetheart it says in perky Al's ethics of the father who is wealthy he was happy with his lot and he said but I don't have a lot I have a little according to the rest of the world who is Wise from everybody rest the world right a smart guy right Einstein okay Taurus say who is wise a person who learns from other people right so by wealthy honor strong and wise we don't really have time to get into all of them what was the answer for wise who is it wise the Torah a person who who learn some other people I'm sorry right okay who is strong coing to the rest of the world person with muscles coin the T person who can rise above their nature who is honored according to the rest of the world person who's probably wealthy or wise whatever or strong and according to Torah who is honored he who honors other people what is the Striking distinction between those Torah definitions and the rest of the world definitions the others depend on other people ah right that's exactly right you're you're right that she just said the thought in my head right stop doing that right and that is that one is based on contrast and comparison I can feel smart if I hang out with DB people I can be wealthy if I hang out with people who are poor I can be strong if I it's all built on contrast and comparison Hashem says no no no real self-growth is self-growth not self-comparison because what happens to my self-esteem if I use the rest of the world definition and I walk into a room with somebody who's stronger than me where my feeling of self-esteem go poof where does my self-esteem go off a walking through with somebody who's got more money than me somebody's more honor see it wasn't self-esteem it was an inflated ego I didn't work on me right we can see why as a ramal says Envy rots the bones because if I want what you have I'll never appreciate me and what I have tell you something fascinating the Olympics have three places gold silver and bronze do you know the research shows that the bronze medalist is Happy while the silver medalist becomes depressed m why because the silver guy Compares himself to the gold guy right the silver guy is thinking oh man one 01 seconds away from the the bronze guys thinking W I was almost with those losers right even even a process that's built on comparing yourself still fails ultimately a person that builds their identity around some god-given trait can't feel good about themselves people that grow up and and they think that they're they're special because they're smart or pretty or talented nothing they end up with just an a identity encased around an ego our job is to do with what we have and to maximize what we have Hashem creates a Lev of playing field right which is why the research Bears out that money intelligence appearance life experience don't bear any effect on a person's fulfillment in life generally speaking right because it's what you do with what you got that determines your happiness which is why we see people that are handed everything under the sun and they can be miserable people that have nothing and they smile right because because it's all about perspective right if I've been given everything under the sun and I make lousy choices right I will become arrogant I will become ungrateful and I will become miserable if I'm given very little but I do with what I've got I build it and I make good choices my self-esteem goes up my ego shrinks perspective widens humility gratitude Joy that's it that's 25 years of therapy you can make the checks out too no that's did now let me share something fascinating with you speaking of therapy inter person so goes the quality of relationships go so goes our mental health the Dr William Glazer found of reality therapy has a great quote he says as follows paraphrasing in my 40 Years of psychiatric practice actually it's a direct quote I'm not paraphrasing right I have found that the people who are unwell generally have a hard time getting along well with people who they want to get along well with that's now if we know that people in our lives that have good relationships they generally have a good sense of self-esteem and emotional health people with poor relationships not so good now you could say it's a chicken in the egg and for sure it is poor relationships will injure our self-esteem in some degree if we don't like ourselves we have a hard time engaging other people but here's the problem see if I'm egocentric right that means I'm not a giver humility allows to me to give right I'm humble so humility means I'm I appreciate what I have so I can give to you ego Centric people can only take when you take you have a hard time having relationship with people now what makes it even more difficult for egocentric person to have a relationship is because the egocentric person is always taking everything personally it's always about me everything's about me about the center of the universe if this person a does everything they can for person B who's egocentric person B is still going to have a problem because person B doesn't think that they're lovable now they don't think they're lovable because they have low self-esteem if I don't love me I don't know why you would love me I can't imagine why you would love me I can't imagine why you respect me why would you love someone who's so unlovable so then what do I do with that affection with that attention with that kindness turn it around exactly I'll turn it around I'll twist it I'll send it back it doesn't come for me it confus uses me why would you love somebody who's so unlovable what's your motivation what's your gain what's wrong with you you people like that she's going out with me I don't know why what's wrong with her I hear that you hear that a lot yeah right it's an amazing thing see if I don't Reber that's how used to say if you don't love you don't love me because a person doesn't love themselves all they can do is control and take they can't give so the person who's egocentric has a hard time letting other people in they have a hard time given any kindness that comes in is distorted they can't hold it they're a leaky vessel and assuming person a is everything right under the sun this egocentric person is still reading into it reading between the lines they're looking to confirm the reality that they are not lovable which means that they have a hard time having Joy question yeah but are you saying that anybody that's egocentric that that has low self-esteem can't give I know I know people that have low self-esteem and their givers okay excellent the question is am I saying um that a person with low self-esteem can't give and this nice woman is saying she knows plenty of people with low self-esteem that give so let's explain there are three major personality types we you know I'm not going to write this my hand doesn't do any if you want me to write it I'll put on the board three major personality types you have high self-esteem and a low ego that's the healthiest person that's me okay humble too yeah actually Winston Churchill said that once he was debating somebody and and I asked about your opponent said you know Mr Churchill your opponent is very humble he said yes and he has much to be humble about he really missed the point what humility is humility is see you can't be humble unless you really like yourself if you don't like yourself you going to be arrogant the the Arrogant person needs to tell everyone how great they are because they're not going to find that on their own so I'm going to go ahead and tell you right but my humility prevents me from telling you I've written 11 books translated to 27 languages and that um there I go again like mosha yes like just like mosha yes thank you ah so now by the way before I just go off on another tangent here mosha reanu he was the humblest of men and also the greatest Prophet right there was no ego to get in the way he not only saw reality he spoke to reality with a capital R and that by the way prophecy and psychosis are in opposite sides of the spectrum prophecy is an all-encompassing reality I go into this by the way in the book if you're interested in so the psychology of it prophecy is All I See Clearly psychosis is everything is fragmented so instead of my ability to see natural connections I make my own connections I connect the dots which aren't really there but I need to substitute what reality for my own version of reality that makes me paranoid schizophrenic and a lot of unhealthy things can there be prophecy [Laughter] nowaday that's a separate top separ that's a high okay According to some opinions is name backwards no spell hey that's a nice one I never heard that you know I'm not splitting my speaking feed with you right but I like that very much um yes so according to many opinions actually it's it's it's uh we definitely have something close to prophecy now um ah so moshu again he could see from one end to the other not mhanu sorry as Adam moshu there was no ego he had perfect ability to talk with Hashem it's the ego that blocks once again our relationships so going back to the personality types to answer you very good question about can a person with low self-esteem actually give healthiest person High self-esteem low ego low self-esteem big ego that's the uh person who is arrogant brous um who is full of himself he doesn't really have a strong sense of self so he builds this image around him the ego is a false self it's a False Image I don't really like me I'm going to develop this image instead of me then we have what's called called low self-esteem and identity ego that is the dorant mentality the Perpetual people pleaser that's a person that doesn't give because they want to do what's right rather they allow themselves to be robbed to assuage feelings of guilt or inadequacy I don't give to you because I want to be a nice person I let you take from me because I can't say no this is the kind of person who say I need a kidney here you go I need another kidney here you go I need a third kidney okay let me go get right what's that you P that's a dmat mentality right now that is a person with low self-esteem but a dented ego so to answer your very good question can the person low self-esteem be a giver first off self-esteem runs on a spectrum so there's not it's not an all and on proposition secondly merely giving to other can look very much like real actual giving when in fact giving requires my ability to say yes and to say no and I choose to say yes right there are plenty of people who walk around and we think that they're Exotics the deases because they give give give give give but the truth is they really would love to say no thank you you know those people okay okay but they can't see it's a difference between giving a donation and being robbed in both cases $20 is going out of your pocket in one case it's very empowering I'm giving a donation I'm giving for me to you the other case I also lost $20 but I feel weakened vulnerable helpless right what's say violated violated thank you okay yes right right I can't get realid means my ability to say yes or no and I choose to say yes so once again as we can see then that you can have the dment mentality that really doesn't want to give but they allow themselves to be robbed okay I I I know some I know people in the middle that's where I want fine and there are lots of us in the middle by the way once again self-esteem is not or the none we all have an ego we have a body we have a sense of self-esteem so our self-esteem is going to run along the Spectrum why we're suffering low self-esteem if we have time we'll get to if you interested otherwise we'll just table up for another time but this is a generational low self-esteem everyone hates himself with varying degrees of you know of of disdain uh and the reason is fascinating but suffice it to say is that's why we have such difficult relationships now and why there such a breakdown within unfortunately families and friends is because you know people say our relationship is suffering well you know the relationship is as healthy as the people involved so if you don't have a healthy person you know the relationship is going to have some Cracks by the way this is not a talk on this but when you have somebody who is a little bit ego oriented now I I I'm I'm I'm glad I reminded myself we have to be careful not to say that somebody's emotionally unwell or somebody's egocentric is making poor choices in the lives there are Confluence of factors that go into a person's mental health and we're painting with a very broad brush here we can never label somebody as selfish or absorbed or uh or whatever merely because they're not healthy again it could be a number of factors uh wiring genetics upbringing child that go into this soup so disclaimer there uh and childhood by the way plays a very pivotal role in the formation of a child and our emotional health and you see people today and they're walking around with scars uh to varying degrees because what happens is children by definition are egocentric right they don't have a yatah a y to right they're just yatah horror driven so everything they take personally everything ask about no matter how my mother treats me no matter what my father does it has to be about me which is okay they supposed to be but but as we get older we need to break free from that and we don't and we get stuck in this sort of mindset of you know what my mother didn't have time for me or my father hit me or this this and so we we it's sort of like a a dent that's very hard to buff out but I tell you something fascinating not so much for you CU you're all reasonably healthy with the exception of a few of you which I've noted um if you don't have Obamacare you can see me I I don't know it's questionable okay and that is as follows how somebody treats us has nothing to do with our self worth as a human being see if somebody doesn't like you it doesn't mean anything it's an amazingly freeing concept how somebody treats you it doesn't mean anything about you now it is a reflection of their character and their mental health we give what we've got if you don't respect yourself what are you giving if you don't love respect yourself what are you giving you give love you give respect if I don't love me I don't respect me I can't give which means then that if somebody treats you poorly if somebody's disrespectful for you if somebody doesn't treat you properly it has nothing to do with you don't let your ego make it about you when it's really their problem which really really really allows you to be impervious to criticism to disdain to disrespect because it doesn't matter you don't like me okay some people will some won't so what okay now we have an obligation to hear rebuke to see maybe there we've got something to work on I don't you know criticism or critique that comes packages a nice way great if it doesn't compact a nice way do your best to try to sift out the critique away from the person but understand how somebody treats you even your own parents has nothing to do with your selfworth break free from this idea that your worth hinges upon other people's treatments of you whether they like you accept you praise you it doesn't your selfworth hinges on nothing other than the fact that you were created in the image of God and you want to feel good about you actualize you make good choices that are responsible and now I want to share with you something absolutely fascinating about the power of making good choices kazal talk about three According to some opinions four according to other opinions five things that can change a person's masle right toil Sedaka chuva according to other opinions changing the name and moving to new location right what do those things all those five things have in common you're doing something you're doing you are doing something to make a change good but good but not the answer in my head M action teila tadaka chuva changing the person's name when when a person is ill right we have change the name and moving to a new location little different idea there but yeah about God and or other people good I uh you're 94.7% there humbling ah who said that well the same guy said that before yeah one of these days I'm GNA give you a book okay your book oh you read it already oh that's why I got this okay I I I didn't memorize it you didn't memorize it okay thank you you know what's Eerie I happen to have that same sweater too where were you born was big we sir are not twins yet they all promote humility which is a frequency to Hashem to Fila right it's not up to me this a Creator who I'm talking to It's You Hashem you can do this not me moves us from an arrogant person right you ask an arrogant person do you pray right you know that joke the guy looking for parking spot well I say Manhattan Queens you know driving Drive God please I need a parking spot please please please please I'll do it oh never mind I got one on my own right right teil produces humility chva there's nothing more difficult for a person to say I was wrong I'm sorry I made a mistake nothing more difficult for a man to say right nothing more difficult to say I was wrong I'm sorry I made the ego see right we know now that the ego doesn't want to see ourselves as Bo broken bad defective anything wrong it's perfect right it can't acknowledge it so when we rise above our ego Hashem rises above nature for us and make no mistake the turning a a sin into a when we do Chua properly is not just an idea to make us feel better it actually when we it is it is unnatural for us to go above our nature to break our nature when we break our nature Hashem breaks nature for us Sedaka money it is the mechanism of power control and respect the ultimate of I'm in charge Sedaka by the way is not just giving money giving a smile an act of kindness also Torah is included in this category as well right so Daka is taking the the mechanism of control and giving it away humility changing a person's name it's how I'm identified this is who I am and finally moving to a new place but it's a little bit different in terms of how that affects maso right but it's an amazing thing what humility can do see humility breaks Us free because when we move aside our ego we reconnect to Hashem the talud records the ongoing debate between Bas Hillel and Bas shamai we follow whom H thank you ladies why do we follow Bas Hilla rather than Bay shami yes because it's easier and more people can do it and we're not at that we're not at the stage to have pure Den because then we we'd be he fried already good what are the two reasons that we follow base that's one reason right you're right right we can't it's it's a little right exactly speaking of mashiach when mesiah comes we're going to go back to B shami but why else do we follow B it takes into the account the human form the human body um wow that's that's good philos there are three reasons we follow hello yeah who said that don't tell me you oh come on yeah I know right yeah right he was more humble right but he was more humble because why he used to was poor used to he was very poor this is true but he also used to yeah sh answer first and then he gave his answer that's right and he'd also couch things by saying you know what according to bami and then himself second right now what is amazing here is hashem's not simply saying you know he's more humble let's go ahead and follow him you know whether we do this or that right we're talking about Hala Hal is reality it's not just laws it's what is real what do we learn from this reality bends around the humble of spirit reality changes second appreciate the magnitude of this we follow B Hill's Hal's ruling right hea because of in his humility which means then that our ability to shape reality Right comes from our humility mosenu DAV for the Jewish people when there is no I to get in the way we simply have instant connection to Hashem the source of all that's possible okay but was his um pronouncement correct or was it only correct because he was humble was his pronouncement correct or was it only correct so I would say that the the the the question um doesn't get off the ground because reality itself right is shaped by us Hashem wants us to to give life to reality to to our to to the options so perspective right I well how much time do you have yeah okay you have as much time as you want right so so I I want to get too lost into this but I actually go into this which because it brings in a fascinating idea of quantum physics in terms of quarks which is really neat if you you mve like this I'm sure yeah you know what I'm talking about right it's it's it's an amazing thing and that is that reality at the quantum level doesn't really uh shape shape in come into uh existence it's sort of flux until there's an observer an observer requires perspective so when we have our perspective then literally and literally changes reality at a Quantum level so to answer your question that is that because of hillel's rulings that became reality do you appreciate that words I'm going to accept it okay thank you your honor okay okay next witness okay can you can you be a realistic uh um Optimist be you know you can be real you can be an optimistic realist I I call myself sometimes that okay good but you know the pessimist Credo whether you think the glass is half empty or half full right it's still too big right okay get it still too bad okay where are we okay fine so the same thing all right we just uh have a little bit left so I'm just going to um tie this all together for you any questions while I casually glance on my notes Here what do you do with a person who has an ego and a dor what happens in that so they don't exist but understand what happens here see the egocentric is fascinating even the dman mentality has an ego it just revolves around their own pain see it's interesting people think that the doormat person doesn't have an ego like no ego whatever no no no no no they are very egocentric they just manifest differently based on their personality right so their personality is such that they become the doormat because that's who uh that that is now their identity and you have plenty of people that ascon themselves in guilt and pity and shame rather than face the reality of making different choices um so let me just end with talking about zombies because it's important to talk about zombies zombies what about them oh we're going to talk about zombies right you know zombies right you know zombies yeah okay I had a zombie I know and somebody got got shot and they couldn't find the victims because they all will look like like zombies with was awful I mean it's not a joke it's it's it's anyway zombies uh so there's a man who woke up one morning insisting he was a zombie turned to his wife and he said I'm a Zombie she said you're not a zombie said I'm telling you I'm a Zombie his wife said you know what I'm going to get your mother on the phone now you think that would be enough to shake the guy into reality doesn't do it gets mom on the phone and says what's the problem your son thinks he's a zombie put him on I'm a Zombie you're not a zombie son says I'm telling him a zombie his mother says don't you think I would know if I gave birth to a zombie son says no I became a zombie later on in life mother says okay fine this doesn't get nowhere she makes an appointment psychiatrist goes down and see psychiatrist psychiatrist so tell me you think you're a zombie now the man is getting a little exacerbated I don't think I'm a Zombie I know I'm a Zombie he said let me ask you a question do zombies bleed man said of course we don't bleed we are the undead psychiatrist says okay he goes over to his death drawer and he takes out a pen walks over to the man's finger takes the finger takes the pen the man is staring at amazement at his finger for four five six minutes in complete silence and finally he looks up and he says well what do you know zombies do bleed moral of the story some people are not going to get it they're not going to get it they will contort and twist reality in order to accommod their own perceptions so I want to share with you one of my favorite lines page right what is it mental health requires an allegiance to reality at all cost or perceived consequences right see a person becomes unwell when they don't want to face the pain of the truth and if I am not willing to accept the truth that means I have to change my reality but if I accept the truth reality is still there and I'm the better for it the idea about self-acceptance goes to the core of making good choices of what it means to have free will because if I don't accept me that means I constantly have to adapt the world around me to accommodate my own fears and insecurities so that I don't have to face me who wants to be my guinea pig wow you're raising your hand with your head down sort of mixed message but okay okay let me ask you a question if I said to you uh you are a woman wearing a what color is that jacket brown brown jacket would you be offended no why not cuz I like brown okay and it's okay okay let me ask you a question is it the truth by the way yeah okay let me ask you another question if I said to you that you were a space alien that landed from the planet Venus and you've taken human form uh would you be offended by that I wouldn't get off it takes a lot to get me offended right okay you would say you wouldn't get offended no no right I'd have the problem not you right well by the way you're not a space alien is that correct it it takes a lot to get me offended I see you're dodging the question though interesting she didn't really answer the question which can you write okay okay fine a goodine not a good guinea pig right okay so let me ask a question then you uh you are not offended if I say something that's true and you're not offended if I say something that's not true when are you ever offended it's I don't know it's a very good question thank you yeah when are we ever offended I said the truth didn't bother her I said something was a lie she thought I had the problem probably when you say something negative and it's something we don't want to accept ah okay yeah I would say when the other when you know what the truth is supposedly and the other person doesn't get it like how do you describe what consideration means the other person doesn't understand what consideration means and I no matter how I bring it up he doesn't get it right zombie okay I get I'm living with zie you're living with a zombie a lot of people living with zombies here by the way I guess great they would block the door they just move very slowly you know um we're offended we become sensitive to something that is true that we really don't want to accept that we really you're right that we really don't want to face imagine how healthy we would all be if we simply acknowledged all the things about us about our lives about our relationships that are true and said you know what it's true and Hashem everything is for the good I won't have to cover up like Shakespeare said to then know self be true see if you're true to yourself th will never be false to any man right there some there see but when I'm not willing to accept reality I say Hashem why' you give me this situation this friend this spouse this kid this parent this neighbor to improve yourself right right why would you give me this character trait this deficiency this defect I don't want to acknowledge it I don't want to accept it because maybe it's because there's something not good about me but when we fully appreciate and acknowledge our reality The Good the Bad and the Ugly we instantly gain perspective we have nothing to hide from nothing to hide behind our ego just loses its grip because why do I need a false self if I just love and accept the real self it's an amazingly freeing concept and it's something that we all have within our grasp at the end of the day the quality of Our Lives comes down to the quality of our choices if we accept responsibility for our lives nothing can stop us if we don't nothing will ever move us in order to exercise free will we need to see accept and respond to our world we learned that that requires perspective which is gained in a couple of ways one when Hashem gives us these windows let's capitalize on it when you feel inspired take action and two every day in some way try to make better choices that increase your self-esteem and decrease the ego and ultimately appreciate that your self-esteem your selfworth does not come from anyone else's opinion of you it comes from you and you are perfect just the way you are now our job is to accept who we are and to grow right we can't cover it up we can't deny it we don't mean perfect in so far as saying stagnant we mean I can't go from point B if I refuse to accept them at Point a and that requires acceptance this is who I am right now I've been given every opportunity for my own good and my own growth I accept it wholeheartedly Hashem everything you given me every trait quality relationship characteristic for my good and my growth I accept it and now my window of perspective widens I see clearly and I'm able to make more responsible choices so much easier and so much better let me share with you something that I'm also glad I remembered somebody reminded me I give a weekly sheare in Lakewood where I lived I live that is streamed live on tour any time so you can watch it 8:00 on Mondays on tour anytime.com and they also have a follow feature where you're just punching me and they'll send you the links every week of the lecture as it comes in you can watch it online and also call and ask questions which is a neat feature or you can just watch it after the fact if you're in Lake it' be nice to see you in person I'd like very much to thank uh kazak and the rabbi for his invitation this is my uh I'm sorry I'm just telling T anytime oh Tor anytime.com thank you so much kazak is an amazing organization they do such amazing work and I'd like to thank you all very much for listening have a great night thank you [Music]