Bonei Olam Sephardic Division Awareness Event 12/21/23

I'll introduce myself on climate notes okay climate she runs bonam yes I I don't run bonam I work with a lot of incredible people who run bonam and I can attest that I work with Rael andama and this incredible Community you might not be involved on a daily basis on the medical aspect but by your donations when they run give fundra when they have fundraisers and when you give that's the way that you're involved so I can't say that it's only the Incredible women who run you know run it on a daily basis in the organization but it's everyone in this community who shows up when they can and how they can um they asked me to come share today some thoughts on how to support a couple who is struggling with infertility and I I think my first disclaimer that I could always share with everybody is there's no one size fits-all answer every couple every person every woman struggling is going to be different um there's so many different facets that a couple might be struggling with I actually worked with with a woman who I work very closely with on a daily basis and she was giving a speech one time and she's like let's do this once and for all let's come up with top 10 tips that we could tell everybody that can help a couple so we wrote it up and I was like that's the easiest way to share with people how you can be more sensitive to someone else struggling um so I'm going to read it because it's the easiest way for me to share it um I I also like I think that organizations like Bon and I take fall we I say we take fault in this we a lot of times paint a very dark picture for a couple that's struggling and it is a very difficult hard journey but I think the first thing that you have to remember about this beautiful couple is that they are a successful beautiful couple and their journey and struggle with infertility shouldn't be their defining factor and that's how you by noticing and acknowledging that and not treating them like they are different because of their situation is so so important they don't want to be singled out for their Journey trust me it's not a secret everybody knows they don't have children that's not something they can hide what they choose to hide they can choose to hide and they're doing that for their own really sometimes sanity more than anything else but what they choose to share and what they choose not to share it's not because it's anything personal against you they don't want to hurt you and that's why they're choosing not to share with you they're choosing not to share is because it's their very very personal life and I everyone has personal things that are personal to them that they don't want to share it's painful extremely painful and not having that extra burden of having to answer to their sisters their mothers their cousins their friends of what they're going through is really important so I'm going to go through the list of 10 um and like I'll say in advance nothing is clearcut and if you feel that something is different for this couple be sensitive ask in a kind way but make sure that if the answer is no and they ask you and you know they say I'm not comfortable sharing or talking don't push that's like I I think the first thing um so she you know when we wrote this up and she's like this is the top 10 but in no specific order treat us like you would anyone else we know you don't know the depths of this challenge we know you can't fix it and we don't expect you to we value you and your friendship so take the time to value US number two we've most likely heard of that miracle seula if you think it's a zus and it could help please do it and no need to share it with us that's like a you know a lot of times we think we're helping by did you hear about this rabbi did you hear about this option you want to join this halalay you can always do it for them and you don't even have to tell them about it trust me God knows and it will get hopefully to the right address you know the Merit where it needs to go um number three rather than assuming what someone would like or appreciate you can always give options I can make you supper take you out to Coffee go on a walk with you send something a nice flowers what would you prefer sometimes people have an allergy and they can't have that in the house you know they can't have flowers or something like that so it's it's not it's never a fault to ask how you can help when showing you care it's best to send open-ended messages that don't need responses rather than asking how are you you can send a message like thinking of you this makes it not uncomfortable for them to have to feel the need to respond they could respond with a back and then the conversation could be over but and that way everybody feels comfortable the person who sent the message and the person who got the message number five most people choose a confident that is not a relative family members please understand and don't take that personally this is like so crucial I can't tell you and so many times even one of the couple would love to be able to tell a family member but the other the husband or the wife might not feel comfortable with someone else in the family knowing this very private issue that they're dealing with so out of respect for their spouse they might not be telling it to your family so help them in the way they need help and that's by not pushing them to say where they don't feel comfortable sharing number six there's more to someone than their fertility challenge find common goals with us that centers around shared interests and goals and I think that most importantly at I would say Simas and Times of joy in families and holidays when people are getting together take the time to find a common conversation ground that you can have with these women a lot of everyone's lives are centered around thank God families and kids and their schools and the challenges of raising your own kids but take the time usually these people are in school they're very successful in their jobs there's there's something as women that you can always talk to another woman about so take that time and find that common ground for conversation and have it so that she's not standing alone while everyone else is discussing how difficult that time was don't assume we have Sleepless sleepless nights and busy days and not enough time just because we don't have kids in the house that doesn't mean that we have time and the availability to show up everywhere meaning when it comes to family events or for family members number eight please don't cry if you are not part of our medical team do not ask any questions please don't offer advice I think that we all mean good it never comes from a place of bad and you know what most people take it that way no one is here to hurt another person ever and sometimes we hear that someone was successful with a specific doctor or a specific method or a specific way so you think okay I'm going to share that with this person because they probably didn't hear about it but no there are incredible organizations like bonam who are holding their hand and if there is a Cutting Edge technology that could help them they've tried it or they're going to be trying it it's so painful when it comes from family members and friends even though it you mean well it ends up being hurtful knowing that not always does treatment work I think that people are in treatment and we expect that I remember a long time ago someone had sponsored a treatment of another couple and a few months later they were asking like how far along is she and I remember responding I was like unfortunately that treatment didn't work we don't remember that just because they tried and they might have done the most possible that if God decided it's not time yet no matter how much money no matter how much effort no matter how much they are going to put into this it might not always work so if they did share that they went through treatment for some reason and they felt comfortable sharing with it don't assume that it worked or if they did go through treatment and they didn't share then it also it possibly the reason they're still going through it is obviously because it didn't work and I think that this is also like the number number 10 that she wrote and that we wrote when we wrote it together she said wish us well offer compassion but don't please make don't make promises people feel very very pained by the fact that other people will say I promise you you too will have a child one day we can dve in we can pray and as a community we can come together we can learn we can offer support but the promises are up to God we can make promises on how to better our own lives and their Merit but at the end of the day it's in God's hands to Grant this couple with a child so I say to this community and I want to thank everybody here for showing up today for learning on how by the fact that you showed up today shows that you care to learn how to support them and that's really special so thank you and if like Nama said if there's anybody that you do feel that can benefit from help um what's the most sensitive way to say I say in general communicating through text is a very nice way to communicate with people because it doesn't give them that a that need to have to answer on the spot they can see your message respond when they feel comfortable and how they feel comfortable and also make sure that if you do send a message if you could send it with an opportunity for them to not have to respond people say how do I tell them to reach out first of all most people know about bonam thank God you probably don't have to tell them to reach out but when telling people about things give it in a way of you don't have to respond to this message is how you end your own message that's so powerful to them to say they care about me they're thinking about me but they're also not expecting me to respond and I think that that's a very strong and like a powerful point for for women struggling and I we use the wward women and when we're talking with women but this is always a couple's journey and it includes the sons the husbands the fathers the nephews the cousins of yours that are on the males and some will feel comfortable sharing and some won't and not forgetting about them too a lot of women remember to support their you know their female friends in it but a lot of times the men struggle alone because it is extremely private for the men they take it at even I feel like more like stronger levels of privacy than the women take it and not forgetting about the males in the P picture and making sure to the support them um as much as possible well we're here as an organization God willing I always say we should be not we should not be here um with the coming of mhia andem everybody's wishes will be fulfilled okay so let's get cracking first of all like to open up with the words of uh of gratitude to uh to the hosts for today to elain and soul casting is that right yes okay and we also want to say uh to uh to the man power couple also for uh encouraging me and and pushing me to come to Brooklyn more than I do uh it's a very big problem to come for me to Brooklyn my uh my people get very jealous when I leave we appreciate it thank you I appreciate thank you I appreciate your appreciation and you appreciate okay whatever um but it's we have very few rabbis in Brook in Manhattan it's not like in Brooklyn where you have so many so uh there's a lot to do um so it's not always it's not often that I get to come but when I do get to come there's always a very special that it's for really good cause and it's for something very very special so I'm honored to be here today for such an incredible organization uh as bonam and um bonam is something that we're relatively uh new with in our community um in terms of having our own Division and having our own access points and not everything is done exactly the same because us syrians we don't know how to leave well enough alone right someone is doing amazing things we're like we could do it better we're bring it here we're going to change all the rules we're going to do it our way just I think syrians just that's how they are so we tweak we do as much as we can we raise more money we do as much it's unbelievable but what a great partnership it is uh between our community and bouran of bringing babies into this world I had an idea it was a terrible idea it was a great idea but it was a terrible idea you know what the idea was the idea was when they killed 1,400 people was I thought maybe we could raise enough money to get 1,400 babies born amen that a great idea and then I did the math that's about 1.4 no I think it's much more than that I it assumes it depends on each depends on each case right so you can't can't we had a couple that I think think it cost us in one year $450,000 so we were estimating you can't you're estimating huge and other people that don't have to pay anything yeah and you don't realize also so many of us that never needed Bon you don't realize how lucky you are until you come to one of these true and you realize like wow every one of them was this and that and this much money and that much drugs and side effects and this and that and we I just had kids it's a amazing thing so today uh they asked me to come to speak about not necessarily only about Bon but to give a that's those that was my instructions to give a class uh to to learn some Tor together it should be a and also maybe kind of peripherally be connected to what Ison so I want to share with you something that I think uh that I think is really powerful something that I've been thinking a lot about this week um and you'll see where it plugs in and how it plugs in to uh what we're doing here today our rabbis tell tell us that the moment approached was an incredible moment it was a moment which was filled with drama filled with energy filled with excitement filled with passion so much so that our rabis tell us that what was this approach of yehudah it was like the approach of a lion coming in to tear up its prey okay yehud we know is always compared to a line in the in the in the end of the tor that's his power he's tremendously strong he's filled with G and Y we know as as well is also powerful but in a different way now I want to take a look at this moment this awoke line not woke that's something very different when you deal with that in other classes but this this line which has been awakened called yeh that's how yehudah approaches with this energy with this strength and I want to share with you first a very strange midash midash tells us that y's strength was so great so great that he had this uh he had hair on his chest that would stand up when he was angry and it would tear through his clothing and the midash tells us that he was wearing five layers of clothing clothing and this hair on his chest tore through all five elements of Cl now that seems to me to be a very strange mad I'm just either kind of right out of the gate that's a really weird thing to be telling me and and do I need to know that just tell me that he was strong and what did it look like when he was strong I don't know maybe he sweat it doesn't say and the smell of his sweat smelled like I don't do I need to know this it must be the m is coming to teach us something incredible about Yehuda when it tells us this idea that it tears through his clothing so I really if I can I'd like to read you the words of the Pim because whenever I teach Torah I want you to know that it's not coming from me I'm not making this up this is authentic comes from the from theim itself from the teachings of our rabbis itself and then when it departs and enters from the Torah from the mid from the gar into your life all of a sudden it's on your Thursday afternoon it's what you're dealing with with your mother-in-law or father-in-law or brother or sister and it comes to life that's how you know that the torah's wisdom is manifesting in your life and you're touching something which is ancient even more ancient than the world there's something very special when you feel that flowing from the higher worlds through our world into your veins so I want to quote to you the says as follow and comes ready this the end of last week's what should I say to my master what could I how could I speak how could I justify what happened you know you found your someone stole your cup right hasem found our we're going to be servants to you me benam all the brothers we all going to be slaves to you YF tells them what you talking about no only the guy that did the sin he's the one that should be in prison everyone else should go free that's how we ended last week's Paras right in the middle of the conversation and then we read yud hears that y doesn't want to take his sacrifice he approaches the bench our rabbis tell us he had his hand on his sword and one of the things that caused yudah to be so emotional was he felt that he could not draw his sword out something was happening he couldn't pull it it wasn't coming out like The Sword and the stone be by the way they stole that from Moshe and the and the mate you know the story of The Sword and the stone the fairy tale you can't pull the sword out and the one that does that's the sign that he's the king that's from mosu where the staff was stuck in the rock it couldn't be pulled out and all the years no one can pull it out till Moshe comes and Yanks it out okay approaches listen my master I need to speak in your ears I need to tell you something don't be upset with me by the way every single time someone says what do you know for sure exactly there's never a time when that works out well right is like listen I don't want you to be upset right but you look amazing no one has ever said that right because why would you okay so he says I don't want you to be upset you're like the commentators asked why would your be upset about the fact that he was being compared to the cake that's pretty High Praise explained that you was saying to your I'm going to start with you and then I'm going to I'm going to kill you and I'm going to kill him don't be upset about that what how could he not be upset about that finally the last bit that I want to share with you before we dive in over here I want you to understand my father is so close with this child that if he sees that we did not bring back he's going to die immediately that's how close they are you're going to cause my father to have such pain he's going to die from the pain and I promised my father that he would that I would bring him back and if I don't if I do not bring him back I will have sinned to my father all the days our rabis say what does it mean all the the days what Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday what does that mean all the days sorry for the rest of his life the rest of his life that's what you think what did you say someone said something over here I said the rest of his life the rest of his life good you might remember these words from somewhere else one of the most beautiful things about studying Torah is when we're able to break the myopia and look at Torah from a wider perspective so the more you know Torah globally the more you know Torah locally you've heard these words before sorry everyone's now thinking about what they have to claim for p but or which P program I don't know whichever way you go you're not you're not here anymore okay means said I will s to you forever and ever I'll be punished for not bringing back B not only in this world but also in the next you want to hear something crazy the our rabbis tell us that when the Jewish people went from MIT not only did they take y's bones with them who else did they take with them they took the bones of all theim they Unearthed every one of the and kazal tell us that when they were carrying the cast of Yehuda they could hear the bones rattling in the Kev in the in his uh casket why because when a sadik says words out of his mouth whatever he says comes true sadik go if a sadik says a even if it's on condition it comes true if I don't bring him back I will have S you I should be punished not just now but in the world to come so much so that his bones could not find find rest even after he died and his bones are shaking in the casket so we're dealing with some very important things here you does like look I have to bring this kid home you know what I have a great idea you don't want them to be servants I'll be a servant take me instead I'm a much better person let him go with everybody else I'll stay I'll be the best servant you ever had I'll clean the windows I'll be theam I don't know what what is a male is that is that a thing I don't know there there right is there's no such word okay fine either way y says I'm much better than him at anything remember that song anything he can do I can do better that's what yudah is singing right now okay so we find yehudah is giving this whole argument very persuasive now I want to read to you a midash because when you think of a lion I don't know has anyone here ever been to South Africa anyone ever gone in Safari you done it by the way um amazing you get to hear some of the dumbest questions in your life when you're on Safari someone asked what time the Lions come out that was a great one right and you know and the guy is like trying to explain to him that there's not a schedule you're actually in the wild now they come out when they're hungry whenever they want right you may see something you may see nothing but if you've ever seen a lion you'll know what does a lion look like everyone's imagination of a lion is right that's what you think of a line you know what a lion really looks like sleeping the whole day the whole day he does nothing he has children and he goes to war that's what a lion does everything else his wife is making him a sandwich I'm not joking even the female lionesses they they do the hunting so the lion just sits there he does nothing 90% of the time what is a lion doing sleeping it's wild to know that but when a lion needs to rise he rises like no one else he becomes a king because in the moment that he needs to rise and show he's capable of doing so I want to read to you something that is unbelievable and I want to read this to you because I think one of the biggest challenges that we face in Judaism is that people don't really understand Torah and Torah is the most wonderful thing it's the most beautiful thing it's the most exciting thing but people mistakenly assume that Torah applies to others and other times in other locations when we're learning about Yakov we're learning about someone from a long time ago all of this is relevant right here right now and I want to show this to you in the words of the midash the midash says what does the what happens when Yash steps forward the angels in the heaven said let's go down to the Earth let's go down and watch this a a lion and a ax are fighting one with another in the world normally a ax sees a lion runs away but look the two of them are fighting one another let's go watch and eat popcorn I don't know what the Angels would have done but they were they were going to go watch and listen to these last words and the jealousy between these two Powers The Lion and the ox between yehudah and Y is going to exist that jealousy will exist Masia until mashia comes what does that mean yehudah doesn't even live until mashia comes neither does y for that matter so what does it mean that this jealousy is going to outlive them it's going to last till the coming of the mashiach now this is what I me meant when I said said to you earlier the more you know the more you understand you might have heard a couple classes about mashia have you mhm yeah you all know that there are two mashia what are they called mashia and mashia that's what the mid means that means that the Battle of yehud and Y is not only in situ in that moment it's something that would last forever meaning down to the actual coming of the mashia there's still a Yehuda y rivalry and what are they fighting for says the midash they're fighting over benam now if you look at it on a simple level you think okay that's what the story is about yudah is like I need to take bamin Y is like no Yamin is staying with me but they're really saying something much deeper you know the portion of yehudah yehudah has I know what's what's the image we said earlier what is he represented by a lion if you've ever been to Yus you'll notice everywhere you go there's flags with an image of a lion why is there a lion in Jerusalem because when they divided up Israel whose portion was Jerusalem Yehuda that's why it's a lion because that's his territory it's amazing you suddenly realize all these things fitting together but even though belonged to Yehuda the bet mikash you know whose portion it was in bamin yudah and yourself are fighting over bamin they're not only fighting over Benyamin they're fighting over the betam mikdash the heart of the Jewish people they're fighting over the service of God that means that the nature of yehudah is one approach in the service of God and the nature of yourself is the other approach in the service of God and each one is constantly at War trying to take over what it means to serve H and suddenly we are starting to taste a little bit of how profound this moment was in the history of the world because effectively the war of Yehuda and Y is not only then it's now it's not only between different types of people it's also between you and you the zor tells us that once upon a time Isel was made up of many different very clear you had a person like Abraham what does he stand for kindness person like what does he stand for they were who they were why are we so complex today says the AR something unbelievable he says because there are no new souls in our world every Nish Every Soul that comes down to this world is a soul that's been here before often many times before and that's why when you're confused or conflicted it's not just that logically you're not sure should I do this should I do that it's that there's parts of you that feel most comfortable with one element and parts of you there's a part of you that's Yehuda and there's a part of you that's YF so there's a war going on here a lion is very powerful but its power where is its power in physical fight where is the power of a shord an ax is very powerful while a lion's power is very minute it comes up in rare circumstances the power of an ox is on display every single day it works hard the whole live long day it doesn't eat it doesn't tear it doesn't have teeth fangs claws its power is internal that's the difference between the power of youah and the power of your sick isn't that interesting and effectively what we're starting to see is something that I'd like to share with you I think as a message for today for this organization for our world when we think of a lion when we think of strength what do we think of we think of people doing great acts we think of our Israeli soldiers fighting in Gaza by the way what do you need to be G in the IDF today nothing if you just don't run away that's G right isn't it you wake up in the morning thinking I'm going to go and I'm going to die that's and you don't run the other way that's it that's pretty right you just turn up to work activated G but my friends it is a fallacy that we don't live with yehudah moments it is a fallacy that to be kind that to be gentle is something that is the opposite of gur and I want to read you the words of the midash the mid tells us that when y approached y he approached them and what does this word mean the first opinion says it means that you approached for for war that's the simplest version of strength the simplest element of strength is what is when you attack something when you stand up for something I was asking the other day a fascinating thing again I don't know if it's uh worthwhile but maybe you'll find it interesting because I did why is it that hate gets so much more adherence than love why is it that the hatred that's on the streets of New York City of Paris of London all around the world why are they better at convincing them than we are how come I'm not talking about someone who's Muslim who's part of the gang some Rando white as whitebred you know non-jewish kid in some Ivy League school I stopped calling them ivy league I call them poison ivy now don't send your kid you're not doing them any favors don't send your kid and if you think that getting a kid into a ivy league university is going to be their best chance of success I suggest you read Malcolm Gladwell who has many many many statistical analysis that prove exactly the opposite that being the best in their class in another kind of University where they're not afraid where they're not traumatized where they're not a scared to even walk down the down the block in the H or whatever your child will be a thousand times better off poison ivy that's how you think about it till it changes then we'll have another conversation but right now what how does that happen the answer is very simple you know where hatred comes from hatred comes from Fear you hate what you're afraid of and fear is the deepest feeling that a human being can feel Deeper Than Love do you understand that you know how I can prove it if have someone who you know is afraid to get their heartbroken so they don't get involved or they don't commit what does that tell you what's stronger fear or love fear why is fear stronger because on a in a human level the deepest sense of a human being underneath every layer underneath even their logic is what is the desire for self-preservation fear was designed to help people protect themselves El so if hatred comes from Fear that's hardwired deeper than love we need love too we need connection too the Tora says if we have no connection we have no living but that's something that we understand fear is something that it's so much deeper than that comes from such a much deeper place so my friends the first element of strength is reacting to fear getting into battle that's the most obvious element of yehud that flows in our veins but my friends the second opinion is that he was not approaching the he was approaching he came forward to appease you hear the language of Yuda please my master you servant I'm a better right whatever right it's great amazing he's appeasing the third opinion in the mid says he approached in prayer who was he talking to this whole time not YF he was talking to Hashem similar to the way EST talks to a but who's she actually talking to Hashem okay so three opinions over here either he was he was speaking he approached uh in prayer he approached in war he approached in appeasement but then there's a fourth opinion in the midash and that's the opinion I want to stick with today with all of you you know what the fourth opinion says let me hit pause for one second before I reveal the fourth opinion behind door number four approaching for war that's a lion approaching for peace as a lion this yudah saying take me on his knees take me as a slave that's a lion where's the lion in that praying to God is a lion and the answer is that we have our heads on backwards I want to read you something that was in the news only uh yesterday I read it I was crying I'm going to read you the words of a woman her name is Iris she was the mother of yotan who was shot we now know that he came out they came out with no Shir on they came out waving White Flags we know that they spray painted three help in Hebrew on the side of the wall we know that the dog that had the camera on its back that got shot in that space we know that it captured their cries we know that after surviving 70 days they were running towards the Israeli soldiers it's like in the movies slow-mo and an Israeli soldier shot and and he died and I want you to hear what she says this is Iris H I'm y's mother I wanted to tell you she says to the soldier she sends this message to the Brigade 17th Battalion to the soldier that killed her son I wanted to tell you that I love you very much and I hug you here from afar I know that everything that happened is absolutely not your fault and nobody's fault except that of Kamas May their name be wiped out of their memory erised from the earth I want you to look after yourselves and to think all the time that you were doing the best thing in the world the best thing that could happen that could help us because all the people of Israel and all of us need you healthy she said and don't hesitate for a second if you see a terrorist she she urges don't think that you killed a hostage deliberately you have to look after yourselves because only that way can you look after us what a lion what G what strength in sensitivity there was another man that have has almost the same story as this if you remember when there was a shooting at the entrance to Jerusalem and a young man jumped out of his car to go and engage the terrorists and they didn't know they just see a guy shooting and they shot him the parents said at the time they want a full investigation and someone needs to pay for this mistake God forbid I'm blaming nobody I just want to point out what a lion it takes to be able to see past your own sorrow and your own sadness and your own suffering and to see what someone else is going through that's a lion you is very strong how many times have you been in a situation let's let me present a fake situation right now Gody walks up to me and Sh without any hesitation slaps me across the face I'll ask you what do you think is easier for me to hit him back or for me to keep my mouth shut keep your m m shut what's easier much easier to hit instinctual to hit the inner power it takes to keep your mouth shut we don't associate power with silence we don't associate power with vulnerability we think people that are vulnerable are weak I remember I used to take these students all the time to go to Poland when I was living in in England for 13 years many of the students over there were profoundly affected by what they saw many of them actually going on a journey of tsha these were kids that had no connection to Judaism going on a journey of tshua coming all the way back I was just in Israel now where I saw one of these girls that I knew from back then in school she's a high school kid 12th grade you know went on the trip with us very little connection to Judaism she went on that trip and you know where I saw her now I saw her now when I went to Israel and I had the chance to see my sonin-law go get his from my Rabbi in the same KO where I became a rabbi and that girl was there CU she was married to one of the other boys in that Cora and I remember asking these kids I said what was really profound everyone had something else that they said I saw this I saw the resilience of the Jewish people I saw and then someone said something to me which really stayed with me and over the years I started hearing it again and again and again and again she said Rabbi you know what the most powerful thing for me was watching you cry you go to a children's grave 800 kids you go to a place where the worst things could have ever happened to human beings and you're crying and I heard this again and again and again I've never seen my father cry I've never seen my dad cry I've never seen it they they were able to touch something to see something on a level that they'd never been able to see because wow this is that emotional English people are a lot like sapharic English men are a lot like sapharic men there's an element of them which they're taught from the time that they're young that being strong means never breaking it means never showing that something affected you never showing that you're hurting but an actual fact the strength of a person comes and manifests itself in the fact that they're willing to go to a place where they're uncomfortable to allow themselves to show or to allow others to see that there's a crack in the armor yehudah is so strong know what the hardest thing for Yehuda must have been in that moment is to ask yourself to help him sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to get together a sentence that says please help me I need some help I need to get help I'm struggling bonam does some amazing work and part of it is about raising the funds necessary to be able to do the technical medical things that are required in order to be able to bring children into this world but it's nothing without people being willing to come and ask for that help and often times that is an incredibly difficult Endeavor one of the things we're learning from Yehuda is the strength that it takes to ask someone your younger brother y help me he doesn't know even that that's who it is but my father's going to die if I don't bring him back please I'll give myself up ladies I want to share with you the fourth in the midash the fourth opinion the mid says as follows it says elazar elazar says you know what Vash means and he approached he stretched out his heart I'm either coming for war or I'm coming for appeasement or I'm coming to pray you know what this last opinion is in the midash all the above remember that multiple choice D all of the above the last opinion is that yudah came forward and said I don't know what I need to give but this is my heart here take it wow what a language that was the strength that was The Awakening of this lion you know a lot of times we think that strength comes in the form of doing we've talked about strength coming in the form of not doing you ever see someone so angry they're holding self back themselves back and they're shaking you know what that's like I don't know if you go to the gym I don't know if that's a terrible thing to say to someone do you go to the gym but right if you been to the gym and you see someone who's struggling with an amount of weight that they can't lift you know what their arms look like they start their body does that when you're struggling beyond your capabilities you start shaking so strength can be doing strength can be not doing but the last opinion is saying that sometimes the strength is not doing or not doing pushing yourself to do versus pushing yourself not to do not responding to your mother or mother-in-law your sister or brother-in-law not saying you don't understand oh wow I just remembered um I was in a program once and uh it was a it was a PES program and there was a family there was a fight in the family and what was the fight over the fight was over where they should go and one of the fam said I think we should go this place other family said well I would rather go here and other family start fighting why you get what you want well other family says well you know you know we they had three kids we have three kids you know it's much more difficult if we go on that program for the kids there not a place and the other family is what they want meanwhile the the the one with the three kids they don't know that the couple that don't have kids is not cuz they chose to wait it's because they couldn't have and this family is arguing I just I I'm remembering it now like it's you don't understand why can't you be sensitive you don't have kids you don't know how hard it is with the three kids to get them here to there to there to there and I'm listening and I'm the rabbi and I know and I'm like dying inside not your secret to tell but sometimes the lion the G is not in doing or not doing it's in making a choice and a decision yudah makes a decision and the decision is the source of his strength what is udah saying there's something that is important enough to me that I don't care about what the plan is plan a war Plan B appeasement plan C prayer I'll do what I need to do because what's on the table is so important that whatever I have to do that's the red line Y says that having been Yamin in my possession taking him home to my father that's what I need to do whatever has to happen for that to happen is what we'll do B is an amazing resource but not everybody knows about it not everyone is courageous enough to take the step lots of people are still stuck in in a place where they think you know what I'll just keep trying I'll just do sometimes something as simple as saying to someone who's very close if you're not close they might not appreciate it at all is everything okay I'm here in case you want to talk about it I have some connections what helps us do things more than hearing someone say I know a guy who knows a guy opening that door it could be the greatest thing that you ever did my friends I'm is is taught in the Torah that there are many mitv but sometimes we relate to these mitzvot like things that need to be done and I always like to say that Judaism is like an iceberg an iceberg has 10% of the bit that you see is above the water but 90% is beneath the surface when God gave us the Torah he gave us many mitv but those are only 10% 90% is the work that goes on underneath the surface where is your heart where is your eyes how sensitive are you how strong are you when you know that something might be sensitive they tell a story about the K is who's walking down the street once with a student and they're walking and all of a sudden the rabbi slows down guys feels bad the rabbi's old is everything okay Rabbi should we get a cab I'll take you maybe you'll walk you'll Lean on Me Rabbi said no everything's fine just's walking slowly eventually the rabbi he said to the rabbi he goes he goes I know that the rabbi was rushing to get to the sh on di you know I see that your rabbi's walking slow Rabbi starts laughing he no no it's fine it's fine finally they get to the Yesa and the Rabbi says to this boy he says you know what I started walking slower why he says I don't know if you noticed about 30 ft in front of him us was an elderly man wow who was walking with a walker he's from the community he never had to walk with a walker before unfortunately something happened maybe fractured his hip the guy's walking like this okay and I notice says the rabbi that everybody's walking right past him and every time someone would walk past him I swear to God go like this I didn't want to be the one that would cause him the pain to see someone walking faster than him what G is that to even notice never mind to act on it do you think that way do you look at people that way do you wonder what they're going through do you think maybe there's a reason especially with people in in families it happens all the time to us where you know this is a they never behave this way all of a sudden they're acting crazy maybe there's a reason why they act acting crazy did you ask yourself they never behave like this so why won't you judge them favorably had a guy in SHO start screaming at a guy who's sitting in his seat he's like I sit here every day well you think you come here once you know twice a year and sit you know I last time I saw y kipur you think you just walk in I'm like sitting there I'm like this the guy's here cuz his mother passed away say kadish had us yelling about the chair of course now he knows oh sorry too late now when people act in a way ask yourself bring that G I know you're upset and it's going to take something to overcome it but you have that y it's there if you could access it your time's mother listen to what she's saying she's hurting in a way that God forbid none of us should ever know but whose heart is she thinking about she's thinking about this soldier who was in an impossible position people running all the tricks thatas is playing she knows this kid will never forgive himself so she feels his heart my friends for this to work in our community we need people to be involved we need Liaisons but we need people on the ground we need volunteers we need people who understand it people who are supporting it people who are thinking about it people who are thinking about the people who are suffering in this way who need that extra help who need that extra hand if you could be that person what a you would bring I want to end with one last idea that I think is so relevant in today's in today's climate and to understand it I'm going to just share with you the words of the writes something that is mind-blowing he says that if you notice yehud he came to what's it called he came to ysf and he tells him the story but the story is is exactly the same as it's been the whole time can I point out something even more wild I don't know if you ever noticed this first yud says you know something will all be slaves to you what does Joseph say no no now you he's like let me approach the bench he's like listen you know really you know I'll be your slave well if I said no to 11 for one am I not going to say no to one for one is that not a bomb question says this about yes you with me on the question okay yes he didn't introduce anything new here so how did he convince to the point that Suddenly at this point he can't hold himself back what did you say that was so persuasive says finally clarified the truth of the situation he was being truthful with the situation and what does that mean that he was being truthful what does it mean that being truthful with the situation brings a person Yeshua he says that yudah knew that all this time he was fighting for whom for himself he promised if he doesn't bring it back he's going to pay a huge price but suddenly says the but through that realizing that his number one concern was bamin realizing that in our conversations with our children when we're trying to do things for our kids sometimes we wind up acting against them because there's a little bit of ego involved there once the truth is revealed suddenly all the gates open someone asked me once Rabbi I don't understand you're a rabbi in the city must be very difficult you're living over here and you're very religious it's hard enough but all your kids' friends are all religious kids that's all they see all the time you're living in the city with religious kids how do you deal with that it's hard they argue they feel like they don't want to listen to you they feel like you're imposing things on them only because you're a rabbi I didn't ask to be a rabbi's kid how do you make the right decisions and I said you know what it's interesting it's not actually all that important as a parent to make the right decisions because no one's going to get all the decisions right you know what's much more important just that the kid knows that the decision is coming from a place of love and a lot of parents think that their kids know that no my kid knows that reminds me of that joke you know that joke with the guy guy gets up you know he he's uh he he he gets up one morning his wife says I can't deal with this anymore this is horrible this is ridiculous I we need to go to therapy otherwise you're never going to the marriage is is never going to survive I can't believe what in the world his wife last night everything was fine what happened they go to the therapist therapist says what's the problem and the woman says my husband I'm married to a man doesn't love me he said what if I didn't love you I would have left a long time ago you crazy right she's arguing she says you know what he never says I love you the last time he said I love you we were under the the husband says listen I tell you I love you something changes I let you know from the then I have to tell you all the time yeah yeah you have to tell them all the time and by the way you know what's interesting as a parent at a certain point you ever tell your kids to do their homework and they didn't hear you but not like sketch didn't hear you actually didn't hear you at a certain point by the way scientific data for this the sound of a Naggy mother mother's voice this is actual scientific data the kid cannot hear the words that you're saying do you know that wild makes you judge your kids favorably like oh he actually did you didn't hear me no he didn't hear you is that interesting you know what's crazy telling your kid I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you what happens eventually they don't hear that either so what do you do you show and when you show them that way again and again what happens they don't see that anymore as a proof they get used to it so you have to figure out another way it doesn't mean more it just means different what yehudah Illustrated was my heart is here this is the most important thing in the world for me the minute y was able to show that to feel that inside of himself your heard that felt that and suddenly YF breaks down nothing new needs to be introduced in the conversation you don't need to get it right anymore the person can feel that your heart is really there so people are so nervous about saying in the right way saying the right words the right words are not as important as the person feeling that your heart is in the right place but that takes a lot of strength discipline and practice Hashem should bless us all to awaken the yehudah inside of us to allow us to find a strength inside our bones not just to do but sometimes to not do not just to say sometimes to not say but most of all to make in our minds decisions of strength that say on this no matter what it costs me shalom in this family it's not it's not negotiable it doesn't make a difference what I have to give up what I have to swallow Shalom is coming home that's why the says shom God gives his Nation strength Hashem blesses us with peace does peace require strength oh yes it does if you ever had to make Shalom with someone you know how much strength that took Hashem should bless us that with that K with that strength we break through to the people we're trying to be able to help we allow people who uh need that element of sensitivity we see it we recognize it if our main intent is their heart is their benefit it doesn't matter we'll figure out a way to be able to get the job done ask not says the kutser if something is necessary ask if something is possible ask only if it is necessary if it's necessary you'll figure it out may God bless us in every one of our red lines in every one of the things that we feel is so important to be successful by caring enough by being willing Enough by being strong enough to bring that product home we want to say thank you again to uh to our hosts for everything like this you invited everyone in you set a beautiful table the flowers are brightening up a day it's a very special way the the the the cause itself is the most beautiful cause in the world and that from this meeting we will be to see many many many many happy things come in the fullness of time