Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Honoring Parents Part 3

[Music] [Applause] [Music] good morning we are continuing with Wars all cubed up am on your father and mother today is going to be very important class for this topic any class is very important so if you can stay for the end very good if not please make sure to listen later review these laws and practice them well bazzetta Shemp we should all fulfill this Messiah correctly so we we covered basic laws of honoring your parents and fearing your parents now we're going to go into details most of these laws come from Johanna Roxy Mon your your desi month rage mem and hmm olive which means to 40 and to 41 now the first Holika for today is that we said that you you have to have great fear of your parents to the point that even if they embarrass you in public you will not dare to embarrass them back or answer them back now this has to two parts on one hand if they embarrass you in private of your home they call you names they scream at you it's easier to scream back at them because nobody is seen but at the same time it may be harder in public because now you are more embarrassed in public than in private if your parents come to you and fix fix your dress fix your head if they come and tell you that you need to eat in private you can ignore but if they do it in public you might say oh I'm adult already leave me alone you are more likely to react if you are embarrassed of your friends and the halacha is that not only in private you have to be quiet but even in public when it is much more embarrassing you have to remain quiet hey you know if Hashem wants me to go through this embarrassment it's the decree min a shaman and I have to just accept it why because Hashem put me in such a situation that I cannot answer whatever you can tell them in public you can tell them in private and whatever you cannot tell them in public you cannot tell them in private you can answer politely but you cannot answer in any way that embarrasses them back even though they embarrass you cannot embarrass them back and the Talmud brings stories how a parent a mother or father would come to a Jewish sage and they would break things tear his clothing spill things on him the you know seemingly the parent was not not 100% and they did these things that are very embarrassing at the public lecture somebody comes and throws things at you and and calls you names and and rips your clothing and they stayed silent they were quiet and they said I'm paralyzed I cannot answer Hashem said that in this situation I cannot answer back this is a great level but this is what Torah expects from us now another step what if they caused you financial loss for example they come to your house and they take your beautiful Vaz and they smash it on the floor or they take your $100 bill they rip it and flush it down the toilet or whatever else they take your jewellery and they throw it out of the window what did you do so you cannot shame them and you cannot get angry at them at that moment as hard as it may be however the Torah does allow child to take his father or mother to rabbinic court to be deal you can call them to bathe in and say this is the damage that you did and this is what you have to pay whatever the judges decree so that is permissible because that is not causing embarrassment that is not getting angry that is just following the halacha if somebody caused damage to someone else this is the procedure however you are allowed to prevent the loss if you see that your father or mother are going for your wallet and they want to throw it into a river you are allowed to hold on to your wallet and not give it to them and if they tell you give me your wallet I want to throw it out you don't have to give it to them however if they already did it it's too late now you cannot get angry and scream at them yes if a parent is verbally abusive physically abusive any other abusive you are allowed to protect yourself well so it's here it's important to differentiate as I just mentioned that before something happens you are allowed to protect yourself yourself and your property your physical being and your mental health you are allowed to protect and you can stop a parent you can run away you can call for help that's permissible however after it happened already and now just screaming at them and calling them names and maybe even fighting with them has a salom that is not going to help the past so in such a case you have to be quiet of course learning from experience as we discussed last class you are allowed to disconnect you are allowed to distance yourself and limit your communication but all that is before it happens you can take preventative measures and you don't have to be a victim if it's a verbal abuse you don't have to visit them if it just happened you can tell them what you when I hear these words it hurts me and therefore I cannot come here that is permissible yes yes if if if you feel that the parent is being embarrassed by his own behavior yes you can stop the lecture you can pause you can come out take care of your parent and and continue yes it's sometimes a person may feel you know I'm gonna be quiet and this way my students are gonna see how great I am but that's at the expense of someone else in this case your parent you're right that sometimes you should not just sit and do nothing because you are raising your prestige in the eyes of others how patient you are and you damaging your parent right you should get up and try to help and if they asking you something at least publicly calm them down and take care of them but we're talking again about extremes of course yes without talking about you're only allowed to take action if if it's if it's self-defense but if it's not self-defense you cannot talk back if they tell you give me your wallet I'll throw it out you can say I cannot give you my wallet because it belongs to me and I don't want to lose it but you cannot call them names and and scream at them and and hit them because that is already not self-defense and if they threw your wallet out already then they okay again it's not self-defense to scream at them at this point because it already happened yes yes yes to defend another sibling you can you still can but again you have to do it politely you can defend them stand in front of them help them to leave the room but you cannot scream at your parent again if something can be accomplished passively by removing the victim you have to do that okay now what if a parent did become mentally sick and the child cannot normally take care of them and every time they come in the parent screams at them throws things at them and it's very difficult for the child because he cannot answer back you cannot use force what does he do so in such a case the child is allowed to hire somebody either to hire somebody to serve the parent in their home or if necessary to bring the parent to a special hospital or facility where they can take care of them and again even though we try to have good relationship with the parent and be close to them and friendly with them but if that is not possible it's better to be distant and it's better that someone else takes care of the parent and have peace and have respect mutual respect even though that is painful to bring your pain and put them in the care of someone else but sometimes that is the best thing in a situation in general even if a parent is not mentally sick but it's difficult for a child to take care of them a child is allowed to send a Shelia haproxy send someone else to take care of them that is permissible as long as parents needs are being taken care of the child fulfill fulfills his obligation now what if a parent wants to serve the child can the child accept or can a child ask the parent can you please give me this can you please serve me with this mom dad can you please do this for me so the rule is a child should not ask his parents to do him favors give me a fork make me tea that is not permissible however if a parent voluntarily wants to take care of a child a child is allowed to accept but the proper thing is the child should apologize as they are accepting the favor as they accepting the care from the parent they should apologize and then they can accept the favor now then it's more with in-laws it's more out of politeness and out of Shalem bite - to keep the the them happy and your spouse happy so it is recommended that you should serve them and not ask them to serve you but it's not forbidden you can you can ask them yes but you should it shouldn't be a command please give me a fork you can ask I have difficulty what should i do or are you able to help me and you you discuss it without giving command without directly telling them what to do and this is something very common because from childhood when when a a two year old star learns to talk he demands I want this I want this give me this give me that and then as as we grow up we're used to asking our parents directly and commanding them but then as we mature it has to change you can no longer tell our parents give me this Buddhist for me it already has to be in a more polite in a conversation way so that they have a choice to say no and it's as if you are asking them if they would be able to to help me not not telling them what to do if you're accepting a favor from your parent it should you should apologize for example your mother serves you tea you didn't ask her but she's serving you tea and you say oh I'm sorry I would have done it myself thank you very much and then you can accept it yes you have to be very careful it's you have to be very very careful because it can very quickly turn into a direct request so maybe what you can do is oh it's a good idea I'm gonna also get up and make myself a tea and I just oh don't worry I'll bring you so I'm sorry I didn't want to ask you yeah of course if a parent offers their help you you can say thank you very much I'm I don't need but you have to may do it and in a way that they will not be offended that you don't trust them in any way you can you have to show them respect and honor and appreciation and and you have to show them that you value them and that you recognize that they're capable you cannot say I don't trust my baby with you you know you might feed them something not healthy you might not take care of them that's not allowed you have to always consider am i taking a big risk by leaving them there if the risk is not great then don't mention it meaning even if your child is gonna under it a little bit even if your child is gonna over it a little bit if he's gonna be a little bit too warm or too cold just ignore it and let your parents take care of because the the danger is great because if you even hint to your mother that she's not capable of taking care of her grandson it's gonna hurt her tremendously I mean you will transgress this this sin and therefore you have to be very patient and forgiving and the lenient with them understanding that they raised you well and you survived and most likely that experience they learned how to take care of children and they your your children visit Ashima also going to be ok that's that's good it's better to be lenient than too strict with children if if one of your parents is more observant than the other and you trust them more you can speak to them without not in the presence of the other parent and you can ask them to oversee what's going on yes that that's ok but make sure that the less observant parent does not hear it yes okay now if parents are poor do children need to support them financially we said that the Mitzvah of keyboard Ave M requires a child to take care of their parent at parents expense for example if the father or mother asks you to buy them something you can buy them but you're allowed to charge for it you don't have to spend your own money for it however if a parent is poor then similar rules to any other poor people apply for example just like if any poor person is in need and you are in position that you can provide them with this financial help you're obligated to do so and we have a rule that when you separate Marcel or you when you distribute sadaqa people that are closer to you have higher priority they take precedence before people who are further away from you so for example if you have a certain amount of mass air and your parents need it they come first or if you're older and you have younger children and they need help instead of giving it to someone else you are allowed to give us a dock on your master to your children and that counts as master because they are no longer dependent on you they started their own family and they find it hard to make ends meet by giving them money supporting them you are helping another Jewish family and that can is is counted as charity as sadaqa so if your parents are poor and they need help you are obligated to help them financially if you are capable and if you don't have regular money you are allowed to use your mindset and your sadaqa money to help your parents and not only that you in this case you would not have to give myself to Dakar to any other cause until you fully take care of your parents of course you should not tell the parent that that's what you're doing that you're giving them charity is they will be embarrassed but for your own personal finances you can count it as master if there are few siblings and some sibling siblings are more wealthy than others then the real financial responsibility goes first on those on the siblings that can afford it more that is if they're willing to take that responsibility on the other hand if they want everything to be divided equally then even the poor sibling has to participate equally but he can use his master where's the more wealthy one should use his regular money in in this case we say that even your own children according to law torah law as long as the child is old enough that he can go and find his own work work for him for himself and earn his own money you technically don't have to support them so if let's say ten-year-old can get a job whether it's babysitting or helping in a store whatever it is they can already earn their own living so technically you supporting them is counted as your charity because here you're supporting who is technically an adult who can earn his own food and instead you are supporting them however we don't apply that rule unless you have to meaning if you have enough money to feed your children with regular money don't give them charity don't give to the can masseur to support your children in their food in their clothing or in their education so we don't use mass air money for tuition we don't use it for children's trips or food or clothing however if a parent cannot afford to pay regular money for tuition or food or clothing then they are allowed to use mass air money even for their own children's tuition why because when we separate myself we say that I'm separating this money to be used for any Mitzvah any good deed to support anyone who is poor and in this case your children are poor there is nobody who is going to take care of them if you don't take care of them and therefore you allow to use your master for your children's needs but only if you cannot afford it otherwise and the same with your parents now what if the parent asks can you please go with me to doctor's appointment and you say but I have I have work I'm gonna miss a day of work and I will lose money do you have to lose a day's worth of work in order to take your parent to a doctor and here the rule is that if the child can afford to miss a day of work he is obligated to physically go with them and and miss the day of work if they cannot and it's cheaper for them to hire somebody they can hire somebody to go with them and if they cannot afford to miss a day of work then they are allowed to refuse they are allowed to say I cannot do it as we said that you don't have to pay in order to serve your parents they have to be willing to pay to pay you just up you are providing the service and only if they're poor then you can support them financially in this case if a parent is asking you to miss work and they can actually hire someone themselves or they can pay you if they're willing to pay you for your days of work then you go then it's more important to help them and they'll pay for your salary but if they cannot pay you and you cannot afford it to miss the day of work then you don't have to this is an example where you would be allowed not to serve your parents because you don't have to lose money in order to fulfill this Mitzvah yes your parents expect you or they want you to pay for something in particular like if your parents are poor and they cannot pay for a certain bill or a certain service that they need then paying for them would be considered charity yes yes if a person goes out with their parent if you can afford it for sure you pay you know that's true with anybody you pay the other person is going to be happy and you you made someone happy that that's good if you cannot afford it or you don't want to then you don't have to you know not that you shouldn't if you are asked to help your parent you have to help but if it costs money for example they ask you to buy something or you're going to lose money because you're going to be doing them favor that you don't have to unless either you can afford it or they are willing to pay you back so if they are paying for the food you do the shopping but if they are not paying for the food you don't have to do the shopping unless they cannot afford it if they are wealthy enough to do their own shopping and they just want your favor it's hard for me to carry the bags I don't drive can you please do shopping for me you have to do shopping for them but if they also tell you while you they pay for me as well you don't have to pay for them if they can afford okay now yes yes whether they can or cannot if they want you you have to help them the question is then what if it costs you so then if it costs you then if they can afford they should pay you if not then it's your decision whether you can afford to miss the day of work okay next is we mentioned it in the beginning that we are not allowed to wake up our parents what if it's for their benefit if they are going to miss work or miss appointment and if you know that they will be upset about it then you are allowed to wake them up or if they need to perform a mitzvah for example if they will miss prayer or if they let's say 8:00 and they forgot to say Birkat Hamazon and now they fell asleep so and you know they will be sad if you don't wake them up because they are observant and they wonderful film it's what then you are allowed to wake them up or time for minion arrives and if you don't wake them up they're gonna miss prayer you're allowed to wake them up however it is better to ask someone else to wake them up for example ask a grandchild ask their brother ask a neighbor or even better set up an alarm and put it next to them this way you are not waking them up an alarm is waking them up yes either put a put a alarm clock next to their door under the door yes text them or call them yes if they ask you to wake them up at a certain time then yes you you're fulfilling the request we're talking about they just fell asleep and they're sleeping longer than necessary are you allowed to know unless you know that they will be upset that you did it if they express their desire that they want you to wake them up then for sure you can yes you saying it's for their own benefit yeah the back is gonna hurt they're not going to get a good good night's sleep then you can wake them up because again it's for their benefit yes yes yes that's that's a good story that that that the the story of dama dama been Athena that that he didn't wake his father up even though he would have earned a lot of money so in that story the commentators say that in fact it was a case where his father didn't care about the money either because he was mentally sick or because it didn't belong to him it belonged to the son and for whatever reason the father didn't care but if the father would be upset about the money then you you do wake them up yes okay now we continue we said that as we have to respect our grandparents as well and therefore just like you teach your children to respect you you should teach your children to respect their grandparents too as we mentioned not calling them by their first name when grandparents come in you have to prepare children tell them get up get dressed stand when the grandparents come stand up greet them when they speak to them on the phone make sure they speak politely they say hello goodbye and it will be your Mitzvah of honoring your parents by teaching your children to honor them because again you're showing your parents respect by showing that you value them so much that you will even instruct your children to honor your parents now a difficult question arises what do you do if you see your father or mother doing something wrong whether it's wrong that you think just practically is wrong they're not cooking right they're not walking right in a sitting right or it's relating to religion the not fulfilling them it's what correctly or even worse they are violating a commandment should you say something should you stop them should you teach them you of course cannot whatever you do you cannot be disrespectful and therefore you cannot say father or mother you are doing a nivara you are doing something wrong that you cannot say but what you can say is father mother it says in the Torah like this or like that and by hearing that you are hinting to them by saying that you're hinting to them that there is such a commandment there is such a mitzvah either they were not aware or they forgot and you're reminding them but not directly saying that you're doing something wrong we mentioned this again but it's very important because the first reaction is they're doing something wrong they're gonna get hostile on gay Nam and I need to protect them and if I don't stop them then I'm gonna be punished so don't don't have such thoughts but rather realize that right now you have a commandment to honor your parents and that supersedes even preventing someone else from doing Avira it says as a general rule that you are not allowed to do even a minor prohibition in order to save someone from even a great transgression which means even if you see somebody is doing something very bad and you can stop them by doing something a little bit bad you're not allowed you have obligation to stop them if by stopping them you will not transform you always have to think if I scream at them I'm gonna transgress even though I will stop them but I'm gonna do more bad than good because I'm not allowed to go against Hashem in order to stop someone else doing something against Hashem so when you try to rebuke your parents you have to say it in a question form isn't it proper to do this doesn't the Torah say this isn't the rule this isn't the custom to do it like this and similarly if your father or mother say something that you know is wrong you don't say no that's wrong no that's not how it says no the halacha is like this but rather in a similar way you say doesn't the law say like this is the Torah it doesn't the Torah say like that yes yes if a parent tells you something this is this is a good question in general if a parent tells you to do something whether it's wrong then even in front of them you don't have to do it but let's say a parent tells you to wear a coat because it's cold but you happen to be hot and you don't want to wear a coat so in front of them you put the coat on you leave the house and when they cannot see you anymore then the Mitzvah to listen to your parents stops because whether you wear a coat or not it has nothing to do with their respect when they ask you and you listen and you show that yes very important in your life the opinion counts you're respecting them once you're out of their sight that that doesn't matter that is not that is not part of the mitzvah of respecting parents respecting parents means you serve them you show them honor and you take care of their needs if they're asking you something that has effect on them then you have to do it but it has nothing to do with them then it it is not part of respect so if your parent tells you to do something and it only affects you doesn't affect them you don't have to listen again in front of them it's disrespectful not to but when you're not in front of them you don't have to right we're going to speak more about it what if they ask you to get a certain job to go to a certain college to marry a certain person do you have to listen to lead to live in a certain place generally you don't right so we're going to speak about the details yes yes for sure you can speak about it and you say let's go outside check if it's hot or cold let's see what the weather is maybe I can wear a lighter coat you can you can discuss it yes but if they're stubborn they just say no I want you to wear it okay wear it temporarily when when you leave you don't have to and the same with your children they might say tell you all you're not raising your children correctly you should do like this we did it like that so you say well okay thank you I didn't know thank you for informing me and then when you're in your own home you don't have to follow it yes unless it's dangerous for for Anouk for raising your children or for their well-being then do it doesn't matter if they tell you feed your child this way not this way you you feed feed them like that doesn't matter when you come home then you do whatever whatever you feel is right for your child [Music] - yes even if it's in your house if they're there temporarily next to them they tell you've changed diaper like this okay I'll change that probably but yeah you can yeah yes if if you're grant if if the grandparent educates the grandchild and the parent feels it's wrong you can speak about it again in a polite way not saying that they are wrong but but but you can say yeah why you're getting you'll take care of yourself I'll deal with him not not not without implying that they doing something wrong you can say that our custom is like this they're used to this what you do is saying is also good but they're used to this and then that's okay if your parents already live in your house and you cannot just do temporarily and and do what you want because they're always there then you already have to have a discussion and explain to them that this is what you feel the proper way is yes there is a connection because you are constantly aware of your parents honor your dignity and you are treating them with respect the opposite there is no connection when a parent asks you somewhere and you say no to them and you argue you can it yes you can explain you can explain for example not at a time when they tell you something at a different time you tell them oh you know mom dad you know I heard this I heard this and I tried it and it works very well and I decided to do it that you can say but that's at a different time not when they ask you to do something yes if they themselves you can you can say that there is a custom like that the that there is such a such a rule you can say but but without telling them you cannot do it you can say that again you can tell them that the custom is that we wait this much time between yeah but if they still choose to do it it's not your responsibility to stop them now even if a parent is transgressing on purpose and they know and their wicked has - Allah even then you have to respect them as far as you're concerned you you are their child they are your parents and you have to respect them again you don't have to do if they asking you to do something incorrect something wrong something forbidden you you have the right to refuse but as far as your relationship you still have to respect them not only that even if they gave you up for adoption even if they didn't treat you well in the past even in such a case you still have to respect them as hard as it is no you should not remind them of mistakes they made and you should not hint to them that they didn't do a good job in raising you yes you if your parents gave you up for adoption and then 50 years later when they need you they came to you and now they want you to take care of them even though you feel that they threw me out I also don't want to take care of them you cannot you still have to respect and help them in whatever way you can yes they were not there when you needed them but still you have to help them if you can yes we said that if your parents are divorced and they both asked you for a favor you are obligated to help them equally and then you can choose who you help first but you have to help both yes okay and last thing for today not only if a parent tells you to violate a total prohibition you cannot do it even if a parent tells you oh it's okay it's just from the rabbis it's okay don't do it even then you have to be strong and not do it an example an example of that whether they tell you a rabbinic prohibition on Shabbat or they instruct you how to live your life with your spouse and because of that you fear that it may harm your Shalom bite you don't have to listen or again they tell you don't move to Israel or they tell you the opposite come to America from Israel you don't have to listen or as we said they tell you come live next to me and you would like to live in a more religious community again you don't have to listen of course when you choose a place to live you have to make sure that even if you're far you are ready or able to help them to help them if they need whether to travel there when they call you or to have someone ready that if there is emergency they can get there fast on your behalf yes and we're fine like in terms of like your parents whatever but I'm often like let's say so he's the oldest son there's two girls they're both not married yet and I feel like a lot because we're like kind of like the head of the family and it's just fine whatever but like let's say if we want to go away like on peace out all we want to do something my husband has a very hard time like he's fine he could tell us parents know but like there's always like if I leave they might not do peace off yes yes yeah this is difficult question so in such a case if both husband and wife are happy to help their parents then that's the proper thing it is proper to help somebody else observe Pesa for Shabbat however if you are gonna lose more than you gain meaning one of the partners we the husband or the wife are going to be upset and that's going to put strain on the marriage and because of that day we're gonna fight then it's not worth it and then they even though it the the parents will not keep past AHA Shabbat it's not your responsibility as we said you're not allowed to do an a Vera in order to save someone else from a Vera so in this case is it because of that you get into a fight with your husband which is an Adira then you you're not responsible for your parents anymore or for your in-laws whoa for the most part they are accepting of our lifestyle and their common dating for the most part there definitely still some halat ik things that are may not be a hundred percent to my growth like for example like something so stupid like the refrigerator like we'll just open that I'm trying to avoid but I'm I'm doing it for the sake of Shalom buy it but at the same time like it's I feel like my kids are not getting the full package but maybe they are because it's grandparents again I always have this like yes there's no one answer each case is separate but you have to know that sometimes through difficulties you grow and you become stronger and better for example if your children are aware of your challenges and they still see that you are handling them properly and you train them in to begin with that we're going there because we're strong and we want to help them and and even though we observe all these things that we can us but we're still going to be strong and even though we see people who are not as careful as we are we're there for them to help them to grow then your children will grow up with this appreciation that that we should help others and and we should live our life not only for ourselves but for others and even though if we're not going to grow as much but it's worth it to help others and that's that's good on the other hand if every time you go you're resentful and your children and resent it and everybody is not happy then you should reconsider yes yeah so at that time it may be very embarrassing to tell them you're saying la Senora you have to stop so the best is to change the subject to change the subject to create a commotion to say Oh somebody's calling me or I have to go somewhere or we have appointment just to do something to stop them and again at a different time to start learning about loads of la Senora and say that we we cannot say certain things and give examples if possible not to embarrass them yes yes yes and that that's very good that you that's that's a good idea in yes you should tell your children that that that you should teach your children that if they hear somebody saying la Senora they should understand what Lashon Hara is and they should not believe it and they should understand that a person maybe is not religious they don't know about these laws they don't know that it's bad they don't know that it's forbidden and therefore they should just ignore it and you can say that the grandfather grandmother they didn't have opportunity to learn they didn't go to yeshiva because the government didn't let and therefore it's not their fault they don't know and therefore they might make mistakes whether with Shabbat or kashrut or blessings or with their speech and therefore don't pay attention to them don't listen to and don't believe them but just judge them favorably understand that they are not doing on purpose they just don't know they were never taught possession next time we're going to learn about honoring your parents even after their passing and what are the rules of doing things in their memory and in there's a good shove off you [Applause]