Cholentface: Basement Kapparos

I once went to the serious Kapparos. The real thing. It's four o'clock in the morning you drive down. It's in some guy's basement and by the time you get out of your car... You have to park three blocks away you can smell it smells worse than a schnorrer eating schmaltz herring in a men's mikva. you see chickens running around without heads you get over there and there's a whole bunch of people who are all doing kapparos so you do your thing and then you go stand in a long line a long line of idiots holding chickens and you're just standing there and I didn't know anyone in front of me, or anyone behind me and I have no idea what's at the end of the line I started gettting to know my chicken "How are you doing, Schmaltzy?" "You're feeling a little dizzy, right?" We had a whole chat "I don't know. Maybe at the end there's some bird seed." And we're getting closer and we are developing a relationship and finally I reached the end and there was standing a guy with a knife "Give me the chicken." "This is Schmaltzy." And BAM! Nightmares until Pesach. But that wasn't it. Then, you have to do a mitzvah called kisui dam who here has gone to one of these places? raise your smelly hand if you have. For kisui dam, you gotta take some sand and pour it over the blood of your chicken while saying a bracha. Now this is literally covering up a crime. I'm thinking, Schmaltzy is in a better place He's at a beach! The sand represents the beach! Then came the really awkward part cuz the guy behind me nudged me as I'm about to leave He was like, "hey, you gotta tip the shochet." I have to tip the guy who murdered my chicken! and the shochet's there, he's got a pocket that's really thick full of bills "do you take coins?" So I reach into my pocket with my smelly hand from holding Schmaltzy the whole time and all I've got is a fifty. Now there's a cure for kleptomania. A pocket full of bills and the sharpest knife in the world. So I carefully put it in his pocket and started looking around for change and that's why I'm no longer allowed within fifteen feet of my shochet. That was Gevaldik. www.frumprov.com