Cholentface: Mikvahs

I hate the Mikva lady Honestly, she makes all of us men in the Mikva feel nervous. I keep telling her "you're embarrassing me, Mommy." And she says "who else is gonna help you put on your floaties, Zvi?" Ah, the Mikva. The Mikva. We love the Mikva. It's urine soaked, filled with bandaids hairballs and radiation. Everyone going in there comes out with the same viral diseases. One guy has toe fungus, the whole community's got toe fungus. One guy goes in and has leprosy, the whole community suddenly has leprosy! I once was in the Mikva, and I saw this guy with a hunchback. He was going in I ran out there fast You guys notice that everyone on Shabbos on Shabbos, the entire community smells exactly the same because everyone goes the Mikva so everyone smells exactly alike. Not only that but they kind of look the same. The same hair, the same dandruff all over I heard that once the police were called to a crime scene and they showed up and there was a religious Jew on Shabbos and there were 87 different DNAs going on. There's another story that's similar. A Jewish woman committed a murder. A Frum woman. The police found some DNA, a hair and they arrested a woman in India. The Mikva, we think it's bad nowadays but it was really difficult back in the day. My Zaidy told me that years and years ago that in Montreal, in middle of the freezing winter, he had to take with him an axe to go to the Mikva. Like that people wouldn't steal his underwear. They were really poor. Everyone was hungry in those days I'm not saying that my Zaidy wore edible underpants. But if he did it was Fleishig and definitely Kitniyos, if you know what I'm saying. Ah, the Mikva on Shabbos. The Mikva's one of the hardest parts of Shabbos. You can't take a shower afterward. It's difficult. I have this idea to erase this whole Mikva smell that permeates the community. Wives sometimes don't even know... Is it my husband who walked in? The idea is that when you come out of the Mikva there should be this deoderant spray these little things that just cover your entire body. You walk around and everyone smells nice. Great idea, huh? you