Joe Apfelbaum: Chillul Hashem

The other day I was talking to my wife I don't talk to her often and I'm having a conversation with her at the Shabbos table and she's like, you know, Shaindy told me she's going on vacation how come you never take us on vacation? Could we go to Beijing? I'm like, nisht oif Shabbos geredt nisht oif Shabbos geredt End of conversation. Done and I realized that this is a great way to shut people up then she's like, you know what? Fine, I get it. You don't want us going on vacation. I get it. What are you doing on Sunday? Why don't we go out with the kids on Sunday? I know you like to work on Sunday but let's go out with the kids. I said, nisht oif Shabbos geredt! then I'm thinking to myself, you know what, it's time to go to Shul you know, Shabbos, you have to go to Shul. See Mendy, see Shmully, See Moshe let's give them a round of applause! Anyway, I go to Shul and I'm thinking to myself in my head the whole time I'm thinking to myself, I need to get miles I need to figure out how to get miles so I can take my wife on vacation because the truth is I do want to take her to Beijing but I need a lot of miles for that and now I'm thinking to myself, I don't need miles because I'm flying first class what I really need is, I need to figure out what to do with my miles so I see Moshe the travel agent so I come over to Moshe and say, hey Moish Moish, Moish, how much Challahs to make 100,000 miles? and he looks at me and he says, nisht oif Shabbos geredt how many miles do you have? so I said, nisht oif Shabbos geredt I have Starwood points I heard they're the best he's like, nisht oif Shabbos geredt, not anymore! Now they're crap! and I was like, oy vey what am I going to do? Ah! I have an idea! I'm going to tell my wife to start spending less money I'm going to go home, get a new credit card I found out in Shul nisht oif Shabbos geredt, what type of credit card do you have? What type of credit card do you have? I found out the perfect credit card I get home I have the meal and this time, I'm the one leading the conversation I'm like, listen, do you know that Mendy saves 30% by going to the Kollel store! And I have a new credit card you should be using so no more shopping at the expensive Shopping Place or Pomegranate she's like, nisht oif Shabbos geredt we're not talking about money at the Shabbos table! It's ridiculous, right? And then I'm at a Best Buy with my son, and my son's whining do any of your kids whine? Does anyone here have kids? Right, your kids whine and he's saying, Ta, I want an iPhone I want an iPhone he literally sounds like that I want an iPhone, I want an iPhone I'm like, I'm not buying you an iPhone stop making a Chillul Hashem! You're making a Chillul Hashem Quiet! I love that thing. I remember my teachers used to say, don't make a Chillul Hashem don't say a word. HEY! You made a Chillul Hashem Quiet! You're literally making a Chillul Hashem I'm not doing anything, I'm just breathing! Stop it! You're making a Chillul Hashem! And I'm thinking to myself this Chillul Hashem thing is amazing I can use it to shut my kids up my wife was in the car, I took a red sometimes you take a red sometimes... It wasn't red completely Anyway, my wife yelled at me, you almost killed us! I was like, it just turned red, calm down! The cop comes over to the car and he's like, sir, driver's licence and registration she's like, I told him not to do it and he did it I'm like, you're making a Chillul Hashem!!