Schmaltz: Frum Comedy Influencer

um it looks like there are about 282 households watching this live which means that someone from my extended family is not actually watching this um i'll have to look into that later now obviously this coronavirus thing is is not a joke but it's almost like the end of a bad charity campaign you know there's 10 minutes to go and the number is way down and you look back 10 minutes late and the number of infected is like way up it seems like it's the end of a bad charity campaign so i went into my uh garage i brought the sucker inside this was you know like a sign of a munna and bitterness hashem so i brought the sucker inside um i should probably come out of the circuit every once in a while and help my wife with the kids that would probably be a good idea now um from jewish singers are usually of the opinion that they get a bad rap no pun intended but can you imagine if comedians could be like the jewish singers would come up with like one set and just run with it for years like we'd have our hashem melech comedy set we'd find a nice spanish song flip it into english shambhala you know and when things were waning and people were like not feeling it so much anymore we would just like collab with nissan black and say hey hashem of comedy set 2.0 and would be fresh and ready to go and everyone would be happy now the truth of the matter is that i'm i'm really not a comedian that's for the professionals i'm a froome comedy influencer and i recently attended like a small zoom class on comedy so i'm also a froome comedy life coach from comedy influencer life coach now i'm perfectly qualified in the firm world to do these things to be a film comedy influencer life coach because i've got no experience in comedy i've never earned a nickel off comedy most of my jokes aren't funny and until i had instagram nobody even knew of me so that makes me perfectly qualified in the front world to be a life coach comedy influencer now the truth of the matter is is that uh i'm arabian school now people often look at you strange when you're like at the market and you're a rebbe like when let's say you're in like the middle and you take something off the shelf they're like whoa they're thinking to themselves how could he afford that it's not so bad if you know how to fill out your tax return and um one of the people in the store he didn't even think it he like he actually said it he came up to me and he said yo whoa you've got really nice clothes how could you afford them i said my mother she's the pro knitter she knitted them for me all of them my kids my wife everyone she knits all their clothes he said okay what about the car outside how did you get that i said yeah she knits those from steel wool anyway so that was um that was that um coronavirus has stopped everyone dwelling so much on the [ __ ] of crisis i was told that the world chili organization were thinking and have actually updated the [ __ ] of crisis to a pandemic they're hoping that people would actually start taking it seriously and do something about it you know like the shotgun would come out to a press conference the head the chief of the world shiloh organization and she would say the [ __ ] of crisis is now a pandemic we need to flatten the curve of the amount of single girls there are if not we'll be facing the exact same problem china was facing two months ago and then you'd have that one pesky reporter and then like the uh gallery would say whoa what problem was china facing two months ago with regards to the [ __ ] of crisis i mean i mean pandemic they had two jewish engagements the whole year well at least uh thank goodness for or else that would have been zero engagements for the earth and then the pesky reporter would push on and say but how do you suggest we take more action on this stay home boys single jewish girls are way more likely to find the buffer marriable if they stay home and never meet in person zoom engagements left right and center of course you're going to have those um [Music] few that openly defy the [ __ ] of crisis pandemic and will still attempt to date in person only to hear back from the shah and they're like going to call up the shotgun after the date and she's going to say yes it went okay but the girl wants someone who is more into pikachu than the seriousness but she thinks you're an all-round nice guy so again the advice is to uh stay home now this is for the guys guys remember when this is done you need to go and edit your shoulder profile where it says that you down with a minion daily you got to clarify what your minion position during corona was and is be very specific make sure you say no minion minion outdoors or murderer so make sure you update your uh your uh [ __ ] of profile properly now one of the nice things i'm trying to be nice to my neighbors i get to see them a lot more during this whole show i mean during this whole corona pandemic problem and so one of the nice things i thought i would do is that i would give my neighbor some of my old friend magazines i gave him mishpakha magazine and he says to me i didn't know that you guys were so egalitarian like you had such egalitarian marriages i said why he said i would never have assumed so i see your wife coming in from the market she's got shopping bags in her hands and kids under her chin it doesn't seem that you have such egalitarian marriages i was confused i said but what what made you think of that he said i was paging through the ads of mishpocha dads do the homework with the kids dads change the diapers dads do the cooking it seems like dads do everything around the house i said yep very egalitarian he got it straight away anyways um speaking of mishpacha um i actually heard that they are launching a musical it's called morty poppins it's starring modify shapiro it's about a guy who dresses in black and white he can dance and he's coming to a summer camp near you with an umbrella so um that is morty poppins coming from mishpacha um avramel of rimmel freed avram freed is also appearing in it he's going to be one of the chimney sweeps but they're not giving him a ladder to get up to the chimneys he's just going to put on some of his high heeled shoes and he'll go straight up so avram is also going to appear now it's going to be amazing mayor k is starring in a two mayor k was announced by schmaltz news a few months ago he's the official shleaf to the homeless and things have been a little bit way too easy for mayor k these days because with everyone self-quarantining it's just like super easy to spot homeless people uh but then again it must be a little bit tough for mayor you know he's used to spending a day here and a day there running around new york high-fiving people can't do that anymore so things must be getting pretty tough but he'll be there too now i didn't realize who the fellow comedians were before i prepared the set but i'm going all out with it uncle moishes are also set to appear on morty poppins uncle moshe's and the mitzvah men's they're all going to appear on more departments when you think of the whole situation i know we got the man himself to speak for himself over here but it must have been really really tough on the original uncle moshi you know like he's he's uh he's sitting around there one day he gets a call from his manager and he's like all excited a show coming up and the manager gets on and he goes uncle moshe he says yeah how are you we've got a show lined up i'm so excited mr man already got on the keyboard the mems it's all set ready to go so it says no no what is it you sound proud he said yeah uncle moshi we got a younger uncommotion and when he trips over brooms and pizza stores he actually can get up by himself so we're going with him um now must have been a really really really hard day for uncle moshi handing over all those mems you know what i mean it must be really tough think about it can you imagine mbd getting a phone call hi this is from his manager yeah so how are you bar hashem what's going on yeah yeah that makes more talk there's a new kid on the block uh okay you want me to collaborate with him you want me to do a concert with him what do you want uh he's gonna be the new mbd what um okay and uh what about my songs are they mine or his what about my songs he says oh they're his uh what about someday mashiach and just one shabbos can i keep those someday mashiach and just one shabbos can i keep those no okay if you if if you're showing replacing me can i pick the replacement shulam lemma matish diamonds he says uh no sorry sony music owns shulam and usha rebo owns mati so