Zack Saltman: Getting Drunk at the Seder

so hey socks been over for about a week now but in a way it still feels like I was eating a few Coleman just yesterday probably because that's when I found it so I got a flip phone recently and people claim that it's a really lousy phone but I actually discovered that they're absolutely right the flip phone has three unique volume settings stuck in a well soundproof and sign language the most useful thing you can do at the flip phone is to return it to the store texting super hard because there's no keyboard so in order to save myself time I made up my own acronym it's the letter I and it can be used as a response to any text I as in I'm about to throw this flip phone out the window I was thinking of getting myself a smart phone but after learning some Musser I realized what do I need a phone with internet for I can just use my wife's which reminds me my wife really wants me to get a haircut well she really wants me to do a lot of things but if you want to hear about that you're gonna have to join the zoom meeting with me and my therapist tomorrow so she wants me to get a haircut and she didn't tell me she wants me to get a haircut but I can tell by the way she keeps on stuffing hats on my head I never liked going to the barber because I'm always getting stuck behind that lady who brings every single one of her kids to get haircuts you know the 10 year old down to the fetus you know explain this to me why do kids need to get a professional haircut kids are supposed to look like a mess with twigs in their hair and mud on their cheeks and three out of their four teeth chipped back when I was a kid my mom gave me haircuts or should I say head cuts she gave me haircuts with the same knife she was using to cut the potatoes with potato COBOL I did look like a botched science experiment but that's why she always clean me up afterwards with the hand pill I'm just lucky that she didn't have a food processor but I can't get a good haircut even nowadays not because I have a horrible barber but I can't give him the most detailed instructions about how I want my haircut I'm always like cloud a little bit over here and kind of a little bit over here it looks like I'm trying to swat away from the beats and he always says sure I know what you mean how does he know what I mean even I don't know what I mean but he's real nice at the end of the haircut he hands me that little mirror as if I'm trying on a new suit I like it but can we try the other haircut where most of the hair that's on the floor is still attached to my head I think if the barber wants to hand things out he should just hand out larger yarmulkes did you ever notice that we're not technically wearing the yarmulke it's just kind of like perched on the top of our heads but for some reason I'm always shocked when it keeps getting knocked off you know like swirling around angrily looking for that guy that keeps knocking it off and it's always the same guy me I think that all the Jewish head coverings you know the velvet yarmulke keep us rouga the black hats the black habits turning green etc they all came about because Jews were just trying to find a way to keep their yarmulkes on and the crazy thing is I don't know why guys who wear bobby pins on the Amika Art Center the from his group I mean they're the ones that are actually wearing it I just want to share with you a really inspiring story that I heard over this past Pesach so there was this father who got super drunk by the seder and he was reading about Gaza and by the way he would never know he was drunk aside from the fact that he was standing on the table and he's talking about Marcus McLaren send his little girl pipes up Tati do good people also die and he says yeah sure all the time my my own father died and she goes lady's dead I thought you told me went upstairs and he explains yeah I meant he went up to heaven heaven is upstairs so the little girl thinks for a second and then she asks Tati if upstairs is heaven it's downstairs and he looks at her right in the eye and says downstairs is where mommy's mother's going fortunately for him this story happened this year so he wasn't having the Seder by his in-laws unfortunately his mother-in-law lived with him so I want to stay longer but I have to go and throw my flip phone out the window but everyone stays safe and you can follow me on Instagram or YouTube