Journey to Judaism - Nissim Black

[Music] thank you so much I want to say there's years ago I think I was speaking in the Great Neck community and there there's a lot of Persians in the in the in the Great Neck community there and before I spoke it was there and even during Shabbos kanafeh I think I was there as a few years back the rabbi that got up to give the introduction before I spoke he started to tell like you know stories of what the community they went through on the way coming to America and they were leaving it around and you know he goes on and on and on with this with its introduction and as it goes into details I'm starting to think you know rabbi can't match that story you know it's no way in the world I'm gonna be able to you know but it made me think and I think when I told the kids back then I'm gonna say the sack saying things for you and this goes to all the hidden in the world actually that if it wasn't for your parents maybe perhaps some of you and your grandparents and all the mysterious and everything that they went through there would have never been a Judaism for me to come to so much more so than me come here and stand up to think that I'm trying to give you some inspiration I want all of you to clap for them because he kept the light on for a person when he wanted to come home so thank you very much my journey starts out in Seattle Washington I was born and raised there and even before I was born any nice even came into the world my mother and my father were hip-hop artists so I have an on it's mostly if I asked me what's the wind you start music or whatever like to tell them I was born with a golden microphone in my hand you know when I came out and it's often attributed to my parents the first rappers in Seattle before rap had ever became popular my father had already started him in his group and my mother later on started a hip-hop group so that's that was sort of the beginning of everything along with this they also sold drugs rappers my day drug dealers by night and so as things progressed I was born I was brought into the world you know this is the lifestyle I was exposed to very early on and after my mother split with my father I was 2 years old she also she made my stepfather who was also in the same business and push him just like any good Jewish boy I joined the family business very early on I I started smoking pot when I was about nine years old by the time I was 12 I was already selling and this was life when I would get off the school bus from elementary school I walk off and he can only imagine coming from the classrooms and the color crowns and everything else the this the contrasts of walking into my house and seeing kilos of dope on the table and people rolling dice you know in the in the driveway and guns everywhere and people counting money and it was like this was everyday life now if you understood if you got a completely understand where a person grew up in such an environment he thinks that this is life this is the way everybody lives everybody's used to these type of relationships this type of dysfunctional ISM whatever you want to call it but to me this had been life early in my years right around nine years old my grandfather came to live with me and this is the first time I have really any touch religion my grandfather was a Sunni Muslim I prayed with him five times a day he would take me to the mosque he taught me the Quran and in between he also was involved in drugs I don't know I don't know how it works where they worked this is exciting for me though because until this time I had never I never met my grandfather he spent already most of his life in prison so by the time he came to live with us it was like the most exciting thing a much more than it was about religion at that time for me it was exciting just to be able to have that time with my grandfather get to know who he was and like I said it's a very very different thing you know I remember all the way growing up all the way at least to my teenage years I will gravitate towards older people and I love to hear stories but when I was young my grandfather I remember I had story time with him one time and it was like this we went to his brother's apartment we're out and this is Tacoma Washington maybe almost hour outside of Seattle and we were sitting there and I thought he was like gonna give me this amazing story he gave me candy and he sat me on his lap and he wanted to tell me something I remember he told me something I remember all I remember was the beginning of the story thinking of story went something like this he said you know son when I was young I really liked to kill people I was think I remember after that the rest of everything else went blink you know story story time with you know with Grandpa you know so shortly after this finite nod my grandfather ended up back in prison this was right around 1996-97 or so he ended up in prison and from that time on if anybody had asked me what I was I would tell them I'm a Muslim and although I had no connection to Islam I started connected to my grandfather it was very short connection and in between the calls he would call collect calls from the prison but whatever I'd be on the phone with them and you know tell me different things other things that he's learning but I wasn't so involved religiously now outside of this said uncle was a preacher so every once in a while when I was young might they would come and pick me up for Sunday school but I just really loved the kiddush after Sunday it was really nice so I would go every once in a while but I had no connection really to Christianity at this point but even as a kid I was a very deep thinker I was always into to learning new things and exploring topics of religion and and God and different things like that whenever I had somebody that was sit there and talk to me every once in a while these guys you know and out of my life you can understand there was high turnover of who was going in the jail who was coming out so everybody gets very spiritual for some reason after they get out of jail I don't know what it is but it happens so I would have these conversations all the time my uncles and people that were like my uncles whatever and so by the time I was 13 and music for me it became like my life and like I said my parents had already the rap so there was nothing no introduction really needed it was just a natural talent that I had as a boy and one day my my stepfather seen you know maybe one of my raps are on the paper or he had listened to me from a distance and he realized he talked to my mother and I said this guy is really good we need to try to do something you know to be able to nourish his talent so from that I was able to get connected with the producer by the name of vitamin D I was 13 years old when I recorded my first professional record vitamin D by this time and already think this stuff with guys like Busta Rhymes and and I think he had said on some sessions also too with dr. Dre he wasn't as big as he began it began to be but he was active I sure you guys don't know who none of these people are it's a good you don't know who these people are so I have to record him with vitamin D and and everybody now this like you know just only added to me even more so I'm even more excited about music I had a good friend of mine who knew how much I loved rapping and how much I loved hip-hop so he invited me to this hip hop program this hip hop program was not just any hip hop program it was amazing they had all the gear the equipment and different things like that but it happened to be at a place called in Union Gospel Mission now was the beautiful thing is that these guys never mentioned one word to me about God but even greater than that they gave me an opportunity to be away from all the drum all the nonsense that I was dealing with in my home every single day and so this place became some to some degree a safe haven so I ended up going there and like I said it became everyday thing and in and out hip-hop they gave me opportunity just to write and it just just to be a kid to something and I got really close with one of the counselors there and one day he came up to me and he asked if I would like to go with him to camp so I got completely silent I'm looking at him he's looking at me and I told him black people don't camp we don't care you want me to go outside sleep in the wilderness with insects on purpose black people don't camp so after this he showed me like this brochure this camp and this is not a camp it's it's a it's a it's a getaway it's a vacation you know so I see this thing and after that I do everything I can to collect money from everybody can to go to this to this camp and this camp happened to be a missionary camp and I'll never forget the speaker his name was Bill Paige it's very sweet man and the recipe is that this guy goes up and he speaks for 8 days I think the camel was eight days it was in the middle of Oregon Washington it's a you know Oregon is already just kind of in the middle of Washington California but anyway it was in the middle of Oregon Washington I still love my people from Portland but it's just like it takes away too long you know when I'm trying to get to LA from Seattle anyway but so in the middle of nowhere we're hearing this can't have all them endings everything and when you take a person out and you stick them in a place where the environment becomes one that they're not familiar with but it's open you have fresh air it's very beautiful it becomes an immersive environment right so the person is able to speak things to a person that's gonna naturally get to a person's heart because they're already to some degree open so I was there this place and he would tell a story the recipe was he'd tell a story every single day just a bit piece of one piece time at a time time at a time and we're all leading up to that massive alter car that's gonna happen on day eight okay but each story is like is like fueled with you know with like you know with passion and and and everything that he was going through in his life and every time after we finished the talk he he give us a list of questions and when I got the list of questions and we went back to our cabin time it's like Oneg whatever went back to our cabin time we all talked and for the first time I'm discussing the way that I grew up and in my home environment as a place that is not normal not not not necessarily a functional lifestyle you know and so that was the biggest thing for me that I'm able to say these things for the first time to the to the other guys I was it however they grew up very much so like I did and so it was very very powerful for me so finding out on that on day eight I remember the night of the night it was day 7 and the night and I started talking to one of the counselors and I was talking to him about heaven and about about Hell and because we're missionaries if anybody knows anything about missionaries for every question that they ask you they already have the answer I don't know if anybody's ever talked to me or anything like that so like when you ask a 13 year old boy like what's gonna be what his afterlife is he going to heaven and going to hell he may not have thought about it but they'll give you an answer very very quickly right so I started to ask questions and I got all my my answers at that time they were satiating so by day 8 I went down boo-hooing crying and screaming out and doing the whole altar call thing which was very very good for me why because I had that moment and was so impactful and this is right before I'm going into high school it got me away from all the knuckleheads that I was hanging around at that time I became so devoted to Christianity so devoted to my Bible true bible thumper so this after this this this impactful moment that I had I became very very involved with all the youth programs there and everything I became you know very very strong to some degree so strong that I was like not passing half of my classes because I was reading my Bible to him you know type of thing real bible thumper and as time went on I think by the end of my ninth grade year things started to wane because also too I had a passion and a love for football like nothing else I'm playing football I got on the varsity team and and I'm playing you know when amazing athletes and I'm like now I'm starting to shift my focus to being in the weight room and between that and music everything's starting to take my time so now I have this this amazing love here for football and between that and music you know you're saying trying to figure out how to fit God in this and the whole Christian thing and something happened to me my 10th grade year my teens a great year I don't know what it was I spoke about this many different times but it was just a moment that I had and I don't know how to describe it much more than in the words I can use to express it I'm gonna use today but I just walked in to my to my high school and I remember walking through the doors and all of a sudden this moment this happened hit me and I felt so disconnected from every single person that was around me and I felt like there was something that I knew there was some dots there was some knowledge that I had then nobody else in there had and I felt like I didn't belong I felt like I didn't fit in with everybody else there now trust me I've looked a lot more like them than I do everybody in this room and I felt very strong feeling that I did not fit in with with everybody that was around me so I'm like you know walking through and I think you know maybe five ten minutes whatever something like this pass I ate a chicken nugget and went away right but it never it was so strong was so impactful that it made me all of a sudden it just gave me a boost and I and and and that boost led me back to going to the to the Christian Center I was involved in in your gospel mission and after this I became very involved there in the summers I started working as an intern I got Smith when I became a junior missionary everything and now I'm starting the makar of half of my high school was going to every single program every single Club thing that they're having there for for this and I devoted myself to this day and night and I became the poster child for then you're in gospel mission there were billboards of me and I was in the Christian magazines for the for the private schools the Catholic colleges and everything and I like on my way and I was gonna be the next bill page or something TD jakes I don't know what it was gonna be I know you don't know nothing ever neither but I was on my way you know and I felt for me there was just one major thing that they wanted me to take on as a part of my next step my next role of leadership and that was to join a solid church that we'll go to because up until now there was no way in the world that I was going to devote all my time to go into church because NFL happens on Sundays that was that was one of my major things it was like you know I don't God I can give him every day of the week but Sunday's is off-limits I can't do it so my going into my 11th grade year probably the the biggest and the greatest thing that ever happened to is the summer I met my wife she she came into my life and and more than anything there's a there's a lot of beautiful things and a lot of beautiful attributes to my wife but I think the greatest thing for for me at the time at least the way that I knew that she was the one is that she was a 7-day Adventist says she went to church on Saturdays so because of that I knew for sure that she was the one for me so time went on we grew and my music started to become even much more of a passion for me and it just so happened that a demo mind made it to the table of ANR at virgin records right I have to give you an example of how spiritual I was because you you're not you know I mean maybe the Billboard said different things didn't tell you my junior missionary Carmi Smith it doesn't doesn't do it for you I remember one night I one day it was very early in the morning actually and we got up early because we had a track meet and I want to get there and they can maybe had a test to finish at school and for whatever genius reason I stayed all the way across town at my cousin's house and so I needed to get a ride back to school to get the early finish this test so I could make it whatever for the track meet and we're in our car and we're just riding and just all of a sudden we just noticed several minivans and in there now it's very unusual for Seattle I mean there's people there are family people are there but it's not the five towns you know what I'm saying so I'm looking at all these minivans you know Honda Odysseys whatever we'll talk about that later everybody but so I notice all these these minivans surrounding us and everybody we're all thinking that's weird I'm just like there's a lot a lot of vans all of a sudden the lights start to flicker and they're going off or the minivans and all of a sudden these guys jump out and they have guns and they're and they pointed at us and so the screaming they may yell out the badge US Marshals US Marshals US Marshals so I'm thinking I've done a lot of things in my life but this this this didn't it didn't I didn't warrant the US Marshals so it turned out that the car we were in was in the name of my uncle and the US Marshals were looking for him as his his name was registered on the car they pulled us over and they've been following us whatever the whole story so we get out we give in our IDs and I have a warrant on my my driver's license for a failure to appear in court from three three and a half years ago when I was a knucklehead before my Christian camp days it was a case even that I was told that I was completely thrown out there was a witness there they said I didn't do anything I was one of those things I was in the wrong place wrong time with the wrong person and so everything I've got thrown out to my knowledge but all of a sudden we had I had a failure to appear in court something I never knew about so the police come they called the local police and they come and they arrest me and they take me to a juvenile and they put me in the the orange jumpsuit and everything like that and I remember walking in and these kids were crazy and it's then crazy crazy and I'm looking around and kids screaming and biting him busting the hitch and it's like insane asylum walking into this place and I remember even by the time I got to my cell I felt such a peace and such a calm I've been talking to God from the moment I had handcuffs on me all the way until the time I got into the juvenile I by the time I hit my cell it was like there was such a such a calmness inside of my soul inside of my spirit I'm like with all the chaos everything that was going on I remember seeing them by the bed there was this little little stool there there was a Bible also was a toilet but back then there was no halakhah issues with that so I picked up the Bible and I start reading it and I'm going back and forth back and forth pacing inside of this place and I can't begin to describe the hanno that my soul felt that I felt inside and in the peace I can't even do it justice and I remember in the the next morning there was a buzz at the door and they told me I had a visitor so I ended up going upstairs with the guard and I walk into the room and I'm waiting for whoever this visitor is the visitor comes in and it's my counselor from the Union Gospel Mission man by the name of John I mean he comes in and he looks at me and he starts cracking up he's laughing so hard and he's laughing so hard that I start laughing with him I don't even know but he's laughing about so he's laughing I'm laughing we're laughing back and forth and finally he like calm down and he stops and then I asked I said well why are we laughing you know what are we laughing about and he said to me do you remember over the last few weeks you've been telling me that you just wanted to spend time with God alone he said be careful what you pray for and after we have the whole conversation whenever we go back down and do my court hearing is coming up and they called me again later on that day to go for my court hearing and there were two guards they're too big you know brothers black guys and over there by the and they come up to me they said I don't know where you came from and I don't know what you did to get in here but you don't belong here you you you you you don't belong here I don't know what it is about you but you just don't you don't belong here it was something that even these two guys they felt taking me to the to the courtroom long story short they threw out everything in the whole community came and rallied behind me is plenty letters Bishop and I got out of there very very easily no record no anything they give you example of how on fire I was forgot that even in such a such a place a tumor completely I still feel very connected to God even a Christian I felt connected to God fast forwarding as the music goes out at a demo demo CD and it made it to the desk of an A&R from Virgin Records we started getting calls from this a you know and what was big at in hip hop at that time was a guy by the name is 50 cent another guy you never heard of so as anybody knows it deals than anything in the record industry nobody's ever usually looking to create something new they always want to make and take from whatever's hot but something establish something they already know that people are gonna listen to so the issue the only issue that this guy had took when my demo because I had non-stop amazing producers that were producing the music so I couldn't say really anything about that he said that the issue was it's just a little bit too positive there's any way I could pepper it up maybe curse word hear a person were there when all that you know and I'm like shocked I'm thinking to myself I am junior missionary I am you know I am very very I have values I have all these different things I start to tell them and he told me you give me some time would think about it whatever and then he sent over you know back in those days we used fax machines so he sends over a fax to manager that had at that time and I said on the half a million dollars you know it's a proposal deal they showed me the deals that they had and everything's like that and what he wanted to offer and I started cursing very very fast since you know all of a sudden started cursing so as I took on this harder persona even with the music slowly but surely a lot of the same clever I was around at that time when I was younger started to slowly come back into the picture you know guys that did a little bit more than just rapping about this stuff you know and so I found myself back into this place making music and in creating somewhat of an image and the whole time that I was doing it was very interesting I never really felt as connected to it I was a completely different person and this time like I told you I'd already met my met my wife to be and with her I was a completely different guy by the time I was in the studio and acting around and going out to these things I was putting on putting on an act but at that time still it was not me later on things spread a little bit more and I remember I was in the studio I was 19 years old and and at this time I was always I was always pulling it you know what we call all-nighters in the studio I was in the studio all night and it was one particular day that I noticed my mother was dozing off a little bit more than usual and my mother at the Sun she was addicted to narcotics and she she struggled with this addiction for many years but then this particular day I never seen my mother like this she was falling over falling over falling over and I was on the phone with my with my with my girlfriend at the time and I told her I said one day I feel like I'm going to try to wake up and she's not gonna wake up and surely that morning my mother died age of 37 I was 19 years old and the pain that I had was so was so deep it was a pain I still remember that I never wished on my worst enemy but I never wished the pain that I felt and by this time after I got of my years of it whatever I was 19 years old my mother had become my best friend I got talked to about everything she knew everything she was so excited for everything that was going on for me going on with me so it was very very painful for me and I don't who she was pretty well-off so she decided that she take it upon herself to offer me anything I needed help with in my musical career with you know to help me she would do so I asked her to help me pay for plane tickets to go to New York I never been to New York but this is where all the big record labels were and I had a good manager at that time they had good connections in the industry and so we decided to go to New York and to meet with different record labels I remember I came to New York I met with some Shady Records I met with Atlantic and I met with also DD mg which was Dame Dash Music Group this is after jay-z and Rockefeller split whatever you don't know and so I remember going in and nothing was as hopeful as meaning DJ Clark Kent was responsible for finding a notorious b.i.g and jay-z and we sat two days I was with him and hung God with him we listened to records other records he was working on different things like that and there was a conference call that was gonna make the final decision on if I was gonna be able to get a deal with them or not and it didn't happen Dame Dash said no we pulled up we came back to Seattle and by the time I got back to see out all the the interest that I have inversion and also fickle shortly after that a good friend of mine my brother-in-law Joseph he's around here somewhere we were producing tracks and another good producer a good friend it was a producer named Jake Warren and through him we got connected with a guy by the name of D prosper the prosper was ANR at that time for g-unit and through him we were able to get two of our tracks sent to g-unit guys young buck 50 Cent's clever in the game and so they started to spread not only around the city but they started become a you know a national thing our name was getting out there as producers in his artists everything's like that and whenever you start to have some success in the world obviously you have to have the other side that comes with it so there was another artist who was in the city at that time was local guy he wasn't so big but what was huge and rampant that time was to make you know battle tracks of disrespecting an artist and a song and that way you draw attention to yourself and people want to know who this person is who's saying that well he responds and I remember after hearing the song that this artist he made about me I went into the studio and I'm getting ready to write my response and everything like that and a friend comes in to me and he says why don't we just gonna beat the guy yeah you know like he'll stop making the songs you know yeah and I thought to myself you know this is a finish nobody ever does this you know so I got with the rest of the fevour we went out wouldn't found this guy we went to the nightclub and we got into a big brawl outside this nightclub and by the time we got up there we were maybe the third car guys already go up there and fight with this guy poor dude and so after this we leave we all go our separate way we hear sirens and we run when I got back to the office we were and we had an independent office that we released all their stuff through and depending and we got back to this office and was sitting in there you know debriefing coming down from all the excitement of everything that just happened and I got a phone call that phone call came from another producer I knew it was local guy in the city and he said to me that the police were looking for me so I'm thinking police don't look for people because they fight in the bar and under me this is not something they're gonna come to so I'm thinking to the guy I already don't believe him that he's saying this to me I'm saying well the police why would they be looking for me for because I find outside a nightclub he said no they said you had a gun and you were shooting at the nightclub and you were that and I know I didn't even have a gun but you know when in doubt you run so as soon as I got out of the this place I ran out and I remember as soon as I got out of the door I looked off the building and I seen that the police lights were you know very very close but they weren't close I went there for me but they seemed that there were police lights flashing off the wall so I broke the code of the streets I was raised you always walk away from the police lights but I start walking towards it because I want to see what's going on I was a little nosy and I'd say I got closer and closer and closer I seen that it was a really good friend of mine so the story went that after we left he went up there to go kill the guy after we left now the only thing was the guy was a horrible shot and he missed he hit the poles he hit the fire hydrants he hit the curve he had his car but he missed the guy right so now I'm thinking straight right because everybody knows that this is a very very close friend of mine they know that we were connected so had every appearance that I sent this guy to go in for the trigger and now that he missed and now he's in custody it's the only natural thing is that these guys are gonna come after me and if I don't go and take their life then they're gonna come and take my life I want a person hits these moments gosh i'ma show you who you are very very fast I became mr. missionary again very quick all of a sudden I remember sitting in my living room and I remember I walked into the doors the first time walking into my living room after the whole situation and happened and I fell down onto the floor and I just started crying I just started crying and I started praying and I started begging God for a different way because although I can rap about this and I could put on this persona but inside of me I didn't have it in me to go and hurt another person nor that I want to have the type of situation that every time I'm out I have to have a gun just in case I run into this person so I stayed there and I was crying and crying and crying and on the third day God performed a major miracle on the third day I got a call from this other individual and he wanted to know what the situation was and were able to sit there now the reason why I say this is a miracle because nobody ever calls you to ask you if you're trying to kill them that's not like it's not a costume right so I'm thinking you know in the streets the code of the streets to shoot first ask questions last this guy got on the phone with me and he's wanting to know what the situation it wasn't Pleasant it wasn't like he called and say hey I was just wondering maybe you're trying to shoot me maybe I just you know it wasn't like that obviously but we had a conversation and I was able to death the whole situation I remember getting off the phone filling the son degree relief but I start to thinking I'm in a flesh bone if I continue and I in and I pretend to continue to pretend like this is who I really want to be then the next time this could be the real thing so I stayed there in my living room and I cut I cut away from all my friends maybe one or two friends I would talk to but I stopped talking to everybody and I was pacing back and forth and I started praying and I was praying and I kept praying kept praying and during this time of me praying what happened is all the questions that I started to have as I started to dig really deep into my Bible and I was in that elite Bible study group and all these on these leadership programs I have very very deep questions that I were pool counselors other people that were older than me more seasoned and I asked them and they were never able to provide these answers for me so now I'm on the island to something we are my own I have nobody around to talk to you about these things so I went into how do you go to Rabbi google.com so I went to Rabbi Google and I start typing in all my different questions and before you know it I was spending maybe eight hours a day I started or I ordered a collage order the Quran and I'm sitting there going back and forth through all these all these different these different books different religions and my wife at this time we're married newlyweds she thought I was just going nuts she didn't even want to talk to me she just kind of stayed at a distance she was very happy to see that she could see that there was a change going on with me as I was starting to gather all this information but to some degree she thought I was going man and I remember that they came for me to tell her and I made sure i sat on the far enough couch you know from her just in case anything we're flying across the room and I said that she grew up my wife Cecilia grew up very my wife's originally from Louisiana she grew up very strong Southern Baptists you know fall out on the floor and shaking you know that type of thing so she's very familiar with that type of service it was a very strong Christianity for her and I remember sitting her down I said under the couch and I told her I no longer want to keep Christmas and I don't want to keep Easter she said I don't want to keep you you know and she's so upset you know because for her the time of holiday is much more than even just the religious Act was the time for her to get with her family and you know have her her mother's macaroni and cheese and all those other type of things and macaroni and cheese it was good schmuck I'm not gonna lie but but this this is this was the this was the thing for her that was very very painful on top of that is something completely foreign to her all this other nonsense I'm talking about and it was sometime when she she you know she kept her distance from me and I remember after her reviewing all the different things I seen her you know what the things that I was learning and some she started to learn with me a little bit and one day she came to me and she said I feel like I've been lied to my whole entire life I feel like my whole entire life and she became so upset with that shim because she felt like he allowed her to be born without knowing you know the truth and one of the biggest things for me what I focused on was I started to dig up Christianity from the root from the showers I wanted to see what was what and as you dug things up and I always say this if you dig of Christianity you dig up Islam from that from the root you start to see you discover that hearts a nice day you start to see that it is God is there and so for us we're on an island of our own we didn't know what to do right so says in the Torah you're not allowed to work on Shabbat so I stopped doing the dishes every Saturday yes sir okay I didn't have cos all I just was going with what I felt like you know it's a Nivola to scrub greasy pots serious avodah so I'm thinking you know this is this is great yeah and we're like on an island of own we didn't know really which way to go we're just starting to think we see that the tour's ruin everything this by this time we haven't really clarified for ourselves whether or not JC is the Messiah or not there wasn't so much of an issue as much as we're finding out that there's a Torah as the Jewish people there's a you shall I am this means something to just mean something to God and my wife was always very closer sister my sister than maybe ten months apart Irish twins whatever I never call her whatever you want to then that Irish but her sister was very very closer but she also too was very episodic always looking for for truth also too so she started to talk to her sister about all the different things and we're learning and now it's three of us and her sister at that time was dating my best friend since kindergarten my brother-in-law Joseph now and now it's four of us and neither one of us none of us know what to do so we're trying to figure out which path do we go and I started going to this to this messianic congregation it was very very close but it seemed like this was the only place I was going to be able to go and start to ask some of the questions that I had and I ended up at this place and then my family came and we'll be there for about two years and during the time we were there I also started to to look for myself I remember the first time I walked into this place as they tell you I walked in as a foreigner you know I and no no no real introduction to Judaism in itself I've never been inside a synagogue I grew up in the neighborhood I grew up in was a predominantly Jewish Jewish neighborhood an area and I used to walk through synagogue every day but I hadn't really experienced Judaism I see guys sometimes with the hat on walk in the shoe whatever that was the extent of it so I walk into this place right and there's people you know darling you know but back and forth did you're shuffling whatever they have sheets on you know small beanie cats and I'm trying to figure out all the whatever the books they're hieroglyphics whatever and so it's in there and whenever they come and they grab this Seifert or whatever they pull it out it's a very beautiful places messianic place with a very beautiful look like a real Shore whole thing and after the new after they read from the Haftarah they read from the New Testament so that was like the only part I was familiar with inside the whole entire place so after that I got very very close to a lot of people there some of the leadership and different things like that and at the same time I still never stopped searching for what the truth was and I remember like every time I went to the internet no matter what I typed in about that or came up it was just like I don't know if everybody else has that same experience you know type in J about that org Elvis Presley about that or comes some off about that or you know and I started to see also - there's a local Habad close to us I think my brother-in-law is the first one actually found it on the east side from us so you know during the week we go over there and I'm The Saturdays whatever we're going back and forth to this other place so we're able to start to hear Rotorua and there's something inside you know started to change inside of me and over the two years that I was at the place it started to look further and further further away from what I was looking for and what I was after even when I started to ask myself these questions I was after God and authenticity after reading the Bible and going through it over and over and over again right I started to look for this authenticity what is the natural progression of what comes out of the Tanakh to a religion today has a Christianity Islam is a Judy you know so these were these initial questions and the more and more I leaned and started to come towards Judaism the distant and more distant display started to look from what I was actually after and all came to hit this one particular time they did made for the first time United messianic conference and the first time I was going to be in Seattle alright made in many years but this was the first time I was gonna be in Seattle and the congregation that I was connected to was going to be the host congregation I remember us sitting in the room and I before this is all the preparation the meetings and all the other stuff before the conference will comment below blah and so one lady stood up as she said that there will be Orthodox rabbi sitting in the lobby and whatever you do don't talk to them don't say hi don't say about Shalom don't wish them a good day nothing he said because they're only trying to take you away from JC so this conference was a four four day conference and we decided that instead of going into the conference we will go and hang out with the rabbis for four days you know because now I have another rabbi apart from rabbi Gugu I can start to give my questions too so I'm gonna take it so the rabbi's name was rabbi Michels go back he's the Jews for Judaism educational director in Toronto and the other rabbi was another rabbi rabbi by the name of le Cohen of I think he's in Melbourne or in Sydney he's somewhere in Australia over there I don't know how close those places are it's probably like night and day but he's somewhere over there in Australia so I remember sitting with her it was me and my brother-in-law talking to them about sing questions out there for four days we're going back and forth and asking every single question that I had and it was so powerful the time that I had with him and I remember at the end of it all and I was saying like you know I need an insurance policy you know cuz they tell me if I don't believe in this guy I'm going straight to hell there's a one-way ticket to hell you know if I don't believe in this guy at the same time I'm no dummy I'm no fool and the more and more that I've grown I've seen the beauty of Torah and I see that this is Emmis and I see ashrams love for Claudia sorrow I want to be a part of it sorry I don't I know understand was to conflict you know I've ever you know I'm just trying to hold on to my insurance policy and remember rabbi Elliot Cohen said to me he said you ever read the story of Ruth and I said you know of course I read the story moved and he started to tell me you know she says that your God is my ground I'm starting anew you guys my god it was mine yeah will you go yeah I know this spy up rabbi I know this okay and he said you have to make your own version and he said your version may sound like this he said that I will accept what the Jewish people accept and I will reject anything that the Jewish people reject and he says that any belief and that in to that degree all right and belief in him has been ejected it rejected unanimously by claudius well nothing theological nothing any anything deeper than any of our discussion that we had over the last four days hit me like when he said that and I remember going back home and I never ended up going back to the place and I spent time with my brother my sister-in-law and my wife I never trying to forget out in one day my wife came to me she said I want to work the docks conversion and I'm like she's very serious about this you know and I remember you know thinking to myself I've seen a lot of things in my life but I have never seen a black Jew you know and the shims amazing hush Gotha I was checking our groceries one day you know at the self-checkout this is like an Arab shopper said keep odd seats seen on all right and all of a sudden in the midst of me checking out your shoes I hear shabbat shalom brother you know so I turn around it's obliged you I start talking to this individuals name was Yaakov London Yaakov London's become uncle Yaakov he also made a leader you shall I am Hashem now lives in Mojave as amazing story of his own but he invited us to come to Shabbos and this is I'm having Shabbos for the first time you know back in the community Orthodox community with him about a block and a half away from the house that I grew up in my whole entire life so I'm very familiar with the area and from him there was another family invited us and then it was another family and different family and so now before you know we're in and out of the community on a regular basis and inside the internal battle of trying to fight you know this this conflict that you had of leaving one religion and one belief system to another I can't describe it for anybody who's never been to it but some degree it's almost like going through a divorce and some type of a separation that happens with inside inside a person so I remember and there all this confusion and everything that it was I remember saying to him I said to God I want to start over I tooked enough and I said I'm gonna read this from cover to cover from cover to cover but I'm only looking for one thing I'm looking for your character I want to know who you are and I want to know what you love what you hate what you reward what you punish because I feel like through everything that I've gone through and every all of my searching my journey that I no longer know who you are so I started going through it at the same time I started fasting I know I don't look like it but my wife makes them in Google I was fasting at this time I would take several weeks I did this for several weeks three days in a row I went without food every day on top of that every day I was going out crying to God from the bottom of my heart with real tears or did this time for a company where I had access to the whole entire building there's one particular room they had a fireplace I'm a strike a fire and the night in the middle of the night I didn't know anything from people to do the rest love any of this I was just going to talk to God I was fasting begging finishing their shame and if it's like every single day with every little tiny conversation every little thing I was able to have an e Louie I was able to have some type of revelation of Emmis and I was able to see things and as this kept on going on and this was affecting obviously me my family my wife and everything was going on my wife shortly and found a place for us to move into in the community and we we we thought we go for it a hundred percent only issue is is that as Jews we have a problem of living in neighborhoods that nobody can afford I don't know if anybody understands it exists all right so the only way for us to get a place in the community was that we had to find a house big enough and cheap enough for both of us to rent both families to rent it was me my sister-in-law my brother-in-law and my wife we all moved into this place so we both have one child each so we found a place we took the upstairs they took the downstairs and we shared the Minow now on the middle there was a kitchen and I don't care what anybody says I don't care how much two people love each other two women in the same kitchen does not work as Yaakov Aveeno he would two women in the same does not work that's how I don't we enjoyed each other's company everything we were very close so we're all on the same path that same journey until one day we went and met with the rabbi who finally after time said he would meet with us and talk to us about perversion and he sat us down and he said to us he said you know I'm happy that you guys like each other a lot and you guys able to make this whole home thing literally he know what was everything was gonna like happy to know that you're making this work for all of you he said but you have one issue you guys are both two separate families and if you go to the Beit din both of you guys it's two separate families then if one of you finishes first and one of you guys become gay man and the other family is not you're gonna have issue with one cooking inside the kitchen and what's gonna be when it's the yeah meme Tovey m-- and everything else and pet sock was gonna be with the other families not converted yet they're not and so you got a big issue see so my suggestion is rabbi bins are kind of Seattle Washington was amazing amazing with us and he said to us my suggestion is that you find two separate houses and try to make it work so of course just like anybody ever knows I don't know if you know about me and I know you've been on the other end of the spectrum but I grew up you know an african-american community all year long waiting for tax season you know nothing waiting for them taxes because we got back you know so I was waiting for tax season tax season came around and I took my whole entire everything and we moved into a brand new apartment you know so we got into a new apartment and my brother sister-in-law they stayed in the same place and time and went on both spending time there in the community and at this time I had left music I'm not involved in music anymore and I started going to the show you know more often my regular my wife's coming or anything and finally someone comes up to us and says that it's time for us to go to the Beit din and time to come and we're gonna go before the rabbi's we went in we were interrogated we went through at the end we made it through the rabbi called this rhyme I been thinkin told us they liked you it's it's a good thing so stay on standby now the next month my brother and sister-in-law would do two also go before the rabbi's something happened in conscious and there would need to be emergency meeting between the the in the community and so after that we knew the person was a secretary at the time she decided that well they might as well meet the next candidates it's only a few days later my brother and sister-in-law also went in to go meet with the rabbis and they also really liked them so na Beit din he stood up and said this is just too good to be true and we have to do this as one family so on the same day me my wife my brother-in-law sister-in-law went to the mikveh on the exact same day we made a double consonant right double Sheva brachot but it was like you know together and this was this was our conversion into Judaism so you can only imagine like we're filling all the high and everything that's going on in the world of me myself I was very very excited about everything that happened and at this time is right around this season I had a lot of friends who were pushing me to go back into music right now it was a very very interesting time because what was happening also in Jewish music there were people who were starting to lose the religiosity I was petrified I was so scared to touch music again because I seen that some of the people people and some know of only the big artists but I started to know other guys that were also connected to the music scene that were involved in music and myself I couldn't I couldn't pull myself back in there because I realized the relationship that I had to it before was one of arrogance chasing money the whole thing so I couldn't do it and I had a friend one day called me I to separate friends called me and these guys didn't even know each other and had dreams they had dreams that I was making music and I was inspiring people I'm listening these guys are not religious guys so they're talking about like inspiration to come even out of their mouth was like craziness and so I'm looking at everything that's going on in my life is still inside I can't pull myself to touch music again shortly after this is my son he was four months old he got sick and we ended up having to take him to the hospital we went to the hospital maybe four or five times and the doctors told us they didn't know what was going on each they were coming back and he has a fever the fever wouldn't go away fever won't go away and my wife just like any good mother she does her own research right and I remember the last time I went to the doctor she says please can you do a spinal tap hey so we don't really think it's in something so serious just go back or whatever she's saying he has a fever for five days please do a spinal tap so sure enough they listen that she forced them and they did a spinal tap and they found that it was meningitis and so we were completely like shocked and scared and afraid I know my wife I remember the first time on my woman they came back with the news my wife got up she said oh I knew I knew it was something and I'm thinking I said hon its meningitis isn't that like you know she's like Janice you know she's thinking to herself she's so excited because she found something well now we're thinking that this is something that could possibly take our kids life or if not do some type of damage so I remember being in the hospital my wife and her being there and looking at my baby boy it was so hard for me any parent knows that looking at your child and then being in pain and you can't do anything about it it's like the the deepest torture that you could possibly feel so I remember going back home because they wouldn't let me stay with my younger than my daughter who was older and I remember putting her to sleep and I went to go talk to him now by this time I become very very accustomed to the books around Rabbi Shammai maroush and one of the things that he says in one of his books that he talks about the the the power of talking to him for six hours straight so I went home I put my daughter to bed and I went to go talk to God for six hours right and by the fifth hour I was out of that fell asleep right but my ID abend with so much he'd life was so much passion that was that was coming out of my coming out of my eye just Mohnish I thought that I went to sleep in the fifth hour was from the from the from all the pain and everything that was going on and I know what happened after I remember waking up and it was just heavy on me you know sometimes you get those those emotional you know whatever it is that a person was thinking about there's something that happened it was current it was on it was on me very fresh and what was in my head at that time was music music music and I started to think about these calls it's weird this weird conversation I had with these two friends about music and what was going on my wife she was also starting to encourage me at this time I remember stopping I told her she and I said God music you want me to make if you want me to go back to music I have a microphone and it's been broken for some time anybody knew that was close to me my brother-in-law I made music with no it was very confirmed this microphone did not work I told her she him I said if you want me to return to music then you have to make this microphone work I need a miracle that's the only thing that I'm that I'm gonna take so I remember after I was done praying I went and I grabbed my dusted off my old yeah I plugged up this microphone and it worked mom's worth I told him thank you but never mind it already works but after that no I was very very scared I'm still scared and I went to go talk to my Rebbe I became really close to a rabbi Rabbi Shmuel Brodie and see how there's a Congregational rabbi never struck him in soil I wouldn't talk to him about it he lectured me for two hours two hours straight before he would give me my shoe I'm back into music so they after this also too I've never talked to two rabbis usually if I went to my ride I'll go to my rabbi and that was it but I was so petrified so scared like I said of returning back to music because of my former relationship with it I went to also talk to rabbi laser birdy and after talking to rabbi laser Brodie and I talked to the other rabbi Brodie I think I was Brodie to go do this you know and I felt with myself that I should I should return and and and but at the same time I felt very scared so I remember recording a record and all that I knew before that time was all that I knew before in the in the non-jewish world I wasn't connected at all to Jewish music or the Jewish world or whatever I listened to Jewish music but I didn't know how anything worked I didn't know people or whatever but I always had this this dim you know I guess to some degree that if I kept my music very positive and uplifting I will inspire many people as long as I don't say anything about God or like Judaism anything like that so time went on we ended up finishing the record and I signed with the with the local record label was released it we put it out that went through all the channels of promotion and PR and all those different things and for some reason nobody bid on the secular world at all and there was one one email that went out from a brother-in-law of mine but to H calm and she loved it and before you know it more and more press started to happen in the jewish-run I was paying for the non-jewish press but the Jewish press was taking off and became a phenomena I guess there was something about you know being black or something was very very intriguing right so this starts to spread more and more in the Jewish world and I'm thinking to myself like you know I I made I put my whole effort and everything into this album and like I'm watching it you know everything I put my effort over here but the Shem is like doing his own thing over here and I remember I got to a place where I got so involved and my vote then coming close to him like that was all I was thinking about this time I went to Amman from night came back up is so full of light and like I'm just I just want to serve God this is all I want to do right and the more and more say thinking about music I started to fade again this this love and this passion to to do music and I got a call one day from a good friend of mine named Elon Cohen he called me and he asked me he said have you ever heard of this song named Hashem I left so I said yeah I heard of the song I mean obviously my two-year-old won't let me play any other song in the house so I say of course I heard of the song I say you know God Elbaz I said yeah I know it's music I have his music he said would you do a remix to Shem Elif I said sure I do it he said okay I'm gonna call you back got off the phone and he calls me back maybe if I might say hey say okay talk they got Elbaz we're gonna do this so they send me these files and everyone getting the files it was to the original shame I left I remember going into the studio putting everything together and I'm sitting there and I start writing and I'm writing and I'm thinking like you know I always thought that you know rapping about God rapping about Judaism or talking about these type of things and my song would diminish Who I am or diminish my skills are that diminish the effect and I would be able to have on people so I'm thinking you know with the course like a similar fashion my law question I just don't know what else I could talk about on this song I'll trap you to a corner so I remember after finishing the for the song and sitting there in the studio I started crying and it's the first time I felt like I was so free and when I went into the studio and I was able to write the raps that I was around I felt so free and so so so like a life after after I finished the song so after this we went to other producers that I knew in Seattle we gave them the track whatever they be worked it and I remember I'm along with some some time later we started talking about doing a video that I got back he really loved it what I did to the track and we started talking about a video and he mentioned to me in the in the midst of our conversation that the song was originally an arab zone it was a arab tune now to me myself I'm thinking to myself like you know first off I don't I don't take and I've been listened by this time I had been years already I've listened to non-jewish music at all the class I don't I don't listen to it so when I heard and he told me miss I for sure wasn't about taking on Jewish songs and then turning them into you know that was something I was very against principal wise I didn't like it and I didn't want to do it so after he told me this something into myself man I loved what I did to the song it was so great and it thing I said but it goes against my principle so I went out to go talk to him I'm standing on a dock in Seward Park and I remember looking at the water going back and forth the most beautiful enough and I'm thinking to myself she what do I do I already did this song I felt like I committed to it but it's a this type of song and and I don't feel like I feel very strongly that that's not what I'm supposed to be doing so why was sitting there on that dock I thought of a tour that I heard from every announcement I read inside look at am I wrong and he said it's very good to sing the new gunam of the nations that afflict in the Jewish people he said that when a person sings these new gooning they go up to Shamim and they cause Yeshua for chloro when you sing these new golden so when I heard this like tour coming coming in my head I thought a meeting no longer is it that maybe I should do this or not do this or whatever it's not rice I have to sing this song I have to go and do this song and this time my financial state was completely horrific I'm telling you horrible I was working for kollel I didn't know where my next dollar was going to come from outside of that was a very very beautiful coal out there and they did the best that they could and but ultimately I needed much more money to be able to survive and it wasn't working for me and my back was against the wall I was a month behind on my rent and they sent in the ticket they sent over the tickets to go shoot the video I went to New York to go shoot this video I didn't have a dime in my pocket right but inside I'm on fire knowing that I have to go and do this song I have to go and do this so I got into New York I met her what God met with the rest of the crew we went out there we started recording and the whole thing and I got to the third verse well we went to go shoot this part it was in the middle of the street it was daytime and I started I remember starting starting with my verse in it so for the first time I never felt this before when I when I rapped ever ever in my life there were chills running through my body going back and forth back and forth and is such a Drinan that I never felt it felt before anytime I performed and I remember after I was done doing this feeling inside like this is what I need to be doing I have to be doing this is my craft night before I was already thinking maybe I'm just gonna go serve God I'm gonna do my own thing but there the first time that I feeling like this is this is this is what this is my contribution to the world this is it and I remember coming back home and now by this time or maybe two months behind on rent and everything like that I told my wife like what happened to me when I was shooting that third verse and when I what I felt and everything and then I felt like this is what I need to be doing I have to go out here and I need to go focus this is why we're struggling this is why it is I'm not answering what that she wants me to do she says no we struggle because you don't have a job no don't have enough money this is the problem not because you're not said I'm telling I'm so I'm so passionate about this I have to go and do this enough she's like no you're crazy what are you doing you need seven jobs not to you know so I'm told I told my wife my wife's a very very spiritual person by the way she's very very spiritual so I remember ending all the conversations with her but I said to her like this I said all right this is what I feel I said at least do this you go talk to him about it you know speak to him about it that's how we ended the conversation one day she came to me and she said to me what dreams mean and I said to her I don't mean anything I mean nothing according to Kabbalah depends maybe what time of night you fell asleep that whole thing whatever I said I don't know altima Thalia I don't know if they mean anything don't mean anything I said why she said all so I had already learned when I was a young kid that if you want the truth from anybody you have to ask them when they're halfway sleep you know what I mean like right when they almost sleep you want a yes from your parents or whatever I'm telling giving you guys gyms here you have to ask them when the halfway sleep almost outs whatever that's when you get the wrong answer so I waited to the middle of the night and my wife's like dozing off on him I said I said hon you said that you had a dream what was the dream and she's like you know you know don't don't don't run with this she said but after we had that conversation I went and I talked to him and she said after that night I fell asleep and she said I had a dream that you're on this massive stage here before people and you were giving people so much visit so much fire was coming from you on the stage and everything that you were doing that it was so of so real to her she felt it inside the dream and she said that happened after we had this conversation I was talking to him about this so whenever so after that I remember going back I quit my job at the kollel and I remember be the reason why is because every time I went to go open a pamphlet and open a book it's a beautiful story that Rob our she tells about itself that he it happened to him several times or happened to him one time but he wrote it in several different places of his books and I would pick up different books and every time he right there that he was in a major crisis financially right and what he did instead of going to go get a job everybody told him to do he went to go talk to him like an eight-hour schedule he will go talk to him every single day and from that he received as Yeshua so I quit the job over there I went out every single day I talked to him for six hours every day for 22 days that's what I did with my life that was my work schedule I didn't do anything else my wife supported me completely when I went to go do this on day 17 I remember coming out of the forest of sewer Park and my phone started ringing and it was a call from God Elbaz and I answered the phone whatever and this is a shim Miller comes out and I'm halfway in on what's going on a halfway out or whatever I don't know what's going on yes time even at my house I didn't have internet so he called me and he says to me I see we made a hit and I'm like Schmoyer what are you talking about you know so he says we made a hit and he's telling me everything that's happening when his shipment last or whatever so what if anybody didn't know what was going on at that time not only did it affect the Jewish community but they're also effective in the Christian world everything and that song ended up being number three on iTunes number three in the world charts on iTunes this song happened and almost immediately after that maybe two days after that came out I started getting calls from communities all over the world to come in mikasa communities all over the world this all happened from this one song and from that obviously things took a dramatic change rubbish em only finally and I started to think you know as the emails will come will come in after we made the song and everything that was coming off in the song I started getting emails from people and particularly from young boys who were teenage boys to teenage age or whatever and they would tell me that you don't understand how this song saved me I was on the brink of leaving my Yiddish like I was so I felt like there was nothing to do with Judaism anymore and this song gave them so much he's made them feel that the educate was cool again from a song from one song and on top of many different other emails from that and I later on was told this is amazing thing I told you there's whole thing about singing there and ruling other nations that afflict injures people causes Yeshua and all these different things and I'm starting to see people are writing into your shoes from hearing a song of me dancing around in Manhattan I have no idea I have it all right and somebody said to me they said this is very funny as I told him the story says because shamila Hashem mala Hashem Nimal oak is gyum a tree and mushiya Lemaitre machine by singing such a song we didn't think of anything I never that we're able to start bringing issue of it because of the power of music being able to see people give so much physics it's so much life for something that you could be doing rubbish mo and I thank all of you that's my story my name is Ian Black [Applause] [Music] [Applause]