Life Coach Paz Laghai - No More Bad Dates: Part 1 - Personal Story

ladies and gentlemen good evening welcome to hiab bruts uh second lecture we're here in Bara 54 again on a Wednesday night tonight about to share with you some of torah's greatest wisdoms on how to improve our lives our relationships our communication increase our happiness and hopefully make some money how's that everybody wants to learn some of that as well right okay so let's let's get some of that great shefa that great abundance coming towards us tonight we have an interesting evening we've got three different issues we're going to venture right into my personal story I'm going to tell you guys a little bit of how pag guy came to be how I met my wife and a little bit of my path we are also going to take a little peek into our personal free choice how much free choice do we have do we have ultimate free choice or not can we be held all liable for our actions if they're not within our free choice range those are excellent questions and then we're going to take that right into our ultimate goal relationships how are we going to bring that our free choice our point of free choice into a point of Happiness of relationships and on so for so good we can get started so a long long time ago when the dinosaurs roam the Earth pagy was born all the way in Iran I was born actually in tan and right before the Revolution took place we escaped to Israel right around the age of 13 we left Israel to Los Angeles throughout this whole time either living Ina in Israel or being a high school student or a college student in the US secular guy and common Israeli living in LA Story right nothing new there graduated high school quite early about at the age of 16 I was in college already at 17 at 18 I had my own business and Life's good youve got some friends you come and go there was always something missing in the background you just don't know to put your finger on it because Life's good everything TV media friends neighbors teachers tell you you need to have you've got so what's the problem aren't you supposed to be the happiest person and I don't mean the happiest person because La is on drugs I mean the happiest person because people are happy they don't need the drugs or the alcohol or the whatever is going on over there yet something is constantly missing and what's missing is the formula it's not an emotional thing there's just not a formula out there you're just doing things cuz everybody is doing things you know kind of like when we left Egypt and we went through the ocean right we went through the ocean and the Egyptians started coming after us so the ocean kept open for us the Jews and started closing down on the Egyptians burying them under tons of water drowning them yet some of them did not reach the ocean yet so they're riding in watching their friends drowning into the ocean what what do they do jump in they continue after them jumping in and drowning themselves and so on and so forth another wave in another wave of Egyptians this is pretty much how life is not only in LA but pretty much how life is we watch our friends and family miserable at what they do and we say hey that's what I want to do how'd you get there how'd you get this job that you so dislike and you can't wait for the weekend said what do you mean I went out and got a degree I'm going to run out and get a degree too okay you got a degree now what do you do now you go begging people for job at the lowest salary possible because you have no experience right everybody here you know experienced some of that before so you got to get the job and then what and then you progress in your job because you work crazy hours and then then you get to where your friend is and now you're also miserable at your job waiting for the weekend to come isn't that what we do don't we see our friends and family Mis miserable in their relationships you know why requires four people and when you when you carry you know a dying person you only require two cuz in AA you're burying two of them right that's that's what it is that's what you need that's what you need for in Thea you mean to make sure they don't run away exactly ly okay don't you see they they take the groom with both hands so he can't escape and drag him to the right so you see them all miserable what do you do you say hey where do I sign up to get married okay you get on dating sites where 16% of the people are crazy Predators by declaration there isn't even a doubt they're not even denying it dating sites are saying it saying Come to Us close to 20% of our people are completely cuu potentially murderers and rapists please sign up for a small fee right this what isn't that what we do we go there and sign up and we pay for it for the privilege of being potentially attacked this it didn't make any sense to me it was not making any sense to me so life was good but it was going nowhere Israel is called it full gas and neutral okay engine is all reving up but you're not going anywhere that was the problem the biggest issue I had was relationships why specifically because I saw that within relationships lays the most amount of emotion I intentional did not say happiness because all the emotions are there at the highest intensity you're the happiest when you're in a good happy healthy relationship you're the saddest you wish you would die if it's not going well right being heartbroken is physically painful physically painful your brain experiences the same same sensation when you're heartbroken as being literally stabbed physically it's the same sensation it can't tell the difference so I knew it's all there I knew that if I get the greatest job and I look my best and I make a lot of money and I'm very popular I'm still not going to reach the amount of happiness that I'm going to reach in a happy relationship yet on the other hand it was the scariest thing because it's the one thing that can really hurt you so I started investigating that now this is the nice thing about being in University you don't really do anything useful so you've got a lot of free time and you can investigate the things you're interested in so that's what I started doing I mean you've got all this knowledge you've got professors out there you guys now know the people who are the great heads of relationships and the books well those are the people who I either studied from or studied with may God have mercy on you people because I know who they are and and I started investigating I started looking for a formula I said look if I'm going to Vegas and I want to win it's true chance is part of the game but you still want to be able to play the game right to steer the odds in your favor right you don't want to go in betting your life on something that has an 80 chance of losing 80% chance of losing right so you want to steer anybody plays B gamon right l oh it's big problem we need to learn how to play B gamon people you live in Israel learn how to play B gamon it's important okay so you're out there playing B gam bamon means you roll the dice and then you play so there's chance and there is some kind of a technique you're supposed to impose upon chance to steer chance in your favor and I don't mean rig the dice I'm talking know how to play the game so I said hey what are the rules of the game of relationship yeah some of it is chance but it can't be all chance it can't be just rette right and I started looking for a method I started asking real questions for example if you have a list of five things are extremely important for you now looking for a husband or wife you say these are my criteria this is what's important for me and let's say God really loves you and he sends whatever you wished for or whatever you looked for for you how do you know that even though you got what you wanted and they don't change you're not going to change down the line I know I did so what if my things change am I going to come over to my wife of three kids after five years of marriage and say sweetie you are so magnificent you're exactly what I wanted five years ago now I have changed I have evolved I no longer use a tiny little noia I have an iPhone so there are other things I'm looking for thank you and goodbye is that how it's supposed to work is it supposed to be done to us and I'm not getting any decent normal answers let's open up the books together find me an answer these are good questions these are not some madeup question what if I walk down in the middle of the desert and Aliens show up these are realistic questions you're all supposed to be having what if we lose attraction to each other or should I dro the if should I turn it into what when what do you do when attraction Fades away so I'm asking these questions because I really want a happy marriage but I can't get on the formula can't find it not only in finding the partner but keeping the partner and making them happy and keeping myself happy so I'm asking the questions not getting any progress not Mak making any Headway and here I get invited to an open lecture in UCLA I was a student in another University so it had to be an open lecture by Rabbi van of Calabasas I show up and he's giving a lecture and I'm breaking my head running every bit of IQ I have trying to find either holes or contradictions in his lecture and I'm unable to do so after five years of reading listening and watching people talk about relationships he's the first one I can't knock down I'm a secular guy I mean the connection between me and Y kipur is solely coincidental but the guy knows what he's doing who was he Rabbi van of Calabasas is the rabbi of Calabasas and I walk up to him asked for his phone number and being the kind loving human being he is he gives me his personal phone number I call him up and he invites me into his home didn't take much for me to take advantage of that offer and I drive over to him with my notebook asking these questions how do you know what's going to change within you in order for you to find the right partner for you how do you keep attraction going how do you settle differences how do you keep score how do you keep score she wanted to go to her mothers for this coming holiday rosashana I don't want to go but she really wants to go so let's say they say that you got to make sacrifices in marriage right so I made the sacrifice next year I want to go to the desert for the holidays with the whole family camping is that equivalent are they different do I still get some credit points cuz my sacrifice being with her mother for three whole days was larger than a whole week camping with me in the desert or do I still owe her a couple of days we get the questions how do we settle these tiny little arguments that become Monumental down the line and it starts giving me actual answers at which point I said okay stop teach me how to fish you know the saying right if you give a hungry boy a fish he live for a day if you teach him how to fish he can eat the rest of his life I said teach me where's this knowledge coming from so what do you mean it's in the Torah I said look I grew up in Israel I read the Torah none of it was there are we talking about the same thing he said yes it's there I said if that's the case where do I get started and I started learning started studying so when I met my wife a very interesting thing happened I wasn't really observing it so I was still living a secular lifestyle I met my wife invited her over to a restaurant sat down we had about an hour talk met two more times and on the fourth time I told her I'm going to marry her that was pretty much it why it's very simple when you know what you're doing how long does it take to decide if you want to marry the person or not what exactly do I need to examine their dental records is that going to make a difference in my life no please spend six hours telling me about your workplace how's that going to make any difference in our life as a married couple with kids let's go watch a movie yeah and that's going to let me know about you what that you like this or that actor we follow the idea if you know what you're doing doing how long does it take next thing I know I find myself in Israel learning married we're supposed to go back and that kind of never happened no no we never went back we were supposed to go back to the United States but we never really did in short this is the story This is the the story how of how I discovered life this is life life has nothing to do with your work nothing to do with the amount of knowledge you have not with your popularity I don't care how many friends you have on or off of Facebook life has to do if you know how to build something that's going to last forever and that's your family everything else is nice to have but it's not it so this is how I came about this is how past came about but that's the nice side of the story I didn't tell you the hard part the hard part of the story is the decisions and this is how we venture into the second part of our our lecture tonight