The Marriage Seminar #10: Proper Communication - How to Apologize - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] and now we come to that very very sad part ladies and gentlemen here we go I have to share this with you and this is one of those serious points the single person that is most likely to hurt you is your spouse the single person who is most likely to get you more angry than you've ever been in your life is your spouse and in many cases if the marriage isn't going so well the most likely person that you're ever going to hate and hate deeply is your spouse now why is it why is it I mean we're not be sure but I've made for each other right no absolutely why it is in this thing called marriage and he and she are both vulnerable you see when he's late she's late when she sloppy reflects on him and not just are you vulnerable not just are you together and you're together in this in a very real way you're very different in nature very different in temperament and in the heavy traffic of life as kind as you might be as sensitive as you might be it just can't be that you're not going to say some things that hurt your spouse it's just not gonna happen in the heavy traffic of life you don't realize you don't think about it but you're going to say things that hurt your spouse that bother your spouse and then you have to know the great great lesson of how to make up and move along you see let's even assume that you learn the lessons of communication and you know how to communicate well but at the end of the day he got it said she got insulted and you're now at the point where you have to apologize so here we go let me start with an observation first a man who knows that he's wrong and apologizes is an honest man a man who thinks that he's wrong and apologizes anyway is a wise man a man who knows he's right and apologizes is a married man did you ever find yourself gentlemen in a case saying I don't get it I don't I don't know what I don't know how apologize if she could explain to me what the issue is and it's not just gentlemen ladies you have found yourself that your husband got really really ticked really really and for the life you just don't have it you can't think what gladly apologetically I just don't get what his issue is okay why is it why is it that husbands and wives so often don't get what bothers the other so thank you what it is and here's the rule the rule is don't argue in front of your kids don't argue in front of your kids now number one don't argue for any your kids because it's damaging is destructive your kids will see a fight they won't see you make up and they don't realize and they're the center of the universe seems to be unraveling so don't do it go to the bedroom when no one's around put on that sound machine you got what to say say it there but don't let your kids see your fight with your spouse because again it's damaging to them but there's another reason why you shouldn't fight in front of your kids the second reason why not to find in front of your kids is because your kids are gonna say WOW mommy and daddy are acting just like us there but your kids their budget kids don't fight in front of your children because you're gonna be fighting about the most petty silly things and your kids are going to identify themselves as more mature than you and they'll be right you ever notice that couples fight about the most trivial and nonsensical small tiny it's not the big issues it's always a tiny stuff always the little things why is that so you have to hear this the first rule of apologizing is understanding and it's never the issue it's never the coming late or the bouncing to check or whatever it's about the feelings behind it I'll make it simple you came 10 minutes late to pick up your wife and it's winter and she's sitting there shivering after 10 minutes you get there you pick her up and say hi dear how you doing and she's clearly not doing so well what is our problem so 10 minutes big deal I declined you know it's important so what's the big deal so just understand what the big deal is the big deal is enough for the past ten minutes in her mind has been following the following tape why am I sitting here in the cold doesn't he care doesn't you know which I'm shivering doesn't he know it's very very cold doesn't he care about me doesn't he even concern him it doesn't concern at all the guy just doesn't care he just doesn't care whatsoever and when she walks into the car it's not the ten minutes it's never the issue it's the feeling behind it and if you don't know why you're apologizing and what you say to your spouse are these words I feel terrible that I hurt you it's clear that I hurt you I feel terrible and by the way if you really don't know you say to your spouse listen I've done things wrong before I feel terrible clearly I've done something wrong here please let me know what it is please help me no but you say the words I've done things wrong before maybe I've been wrong here as well please let me know and maybe if you have a good relationship your spouse will allow you to know the issue behind the issue because it's never the ten minutes late or the socks on the floor the bouncing to check or whatever it's always the feelings behind it and so the first rule is that don't ever get stuck on the issue because the issue isn't the point and the reason why couples fight about tiny little trivial points is because it's not the trivial point you know couples say like this I'll take it you take a new doodle I baby here you have it and it never settles the issue exactly right why because it's not the issue it's always the underlying feelings okay here's a new rule number two rule number one about apologizing is that it's never the issue it's always the underlying feelings rule number two is as follows if you come into my office and you'll see varam water wall I have nothing on the walls basically uninformed yet I used to have one small gold framed certificate that remained for quite a number of years right on my farm in open display it was a certificate if somebody's usually proud of what was it I was driving on the highway and a high whipped mother stopped me and he said do you know why I pulled you over and I said officer I was speeding officer I want you to know I'm the law abiding citizen I try to stick with it speed limit I was speeding and there's no excuse the guy stood there and said huh now keep in mind he's a highway policeman right he's like he's heard more chooses in a sixth grade teacher about homework right and I just said the words I was speeding and there's no excuse after about a minute one more he asked me for my license registration went into his car looked at my computer hand wrote a citation warning about going over this didn't give me a ticket morning going over the speed limit I put that in a gold frame and I put it on my study wall why because it took me 20 years of learning muster to say the words I was wrong and there's no excuse no I was wrong I was wrong and there's no excuse okay ladies and gentlemen the biggest problem with apologizing is saying you're wrong but that's not as bad as the next part what happens when you apologize to yourself said steal the coming late case right okay so he comes ten minutes late and finally she comes in the car and finally he gets it that again it's not the issue but she's a little bit hurt right about the fact that she was waiting and he says this and honey I just want to know I feel terrible you were out there I feel - I know my job is to be in the provider to take care of you too particular I feel bad that I let you down but I just want you to know listen I had a big client and it was a real big deal and you know and the reason I did it was because X Y & Z he already just did he ruined a good apology with a but because what is she here what a creep not just bad enough that he left me standing here alone he's telling me now he's justified somebody's client is more important than me his client counsel so what's she gonna say she gonna say well you know I was very cold and I was sitting there shivering and what's he gonna hear and he's gonna hear her complaining about the fact that she was there waiting ten minutes shivering and the client that he just told him about that so important isn't really important to her and he's gonna say she's gonna say and before you know it it escalates out of control don't ruin a good apology with a but there's no excuse I feel terrible I hurt your feelings and then you see my saying it again shut your mouth be quiet I made a guy bully Guzman 100 times it was a real rough sawn bias situation I made him apologize 100 times I told me you must say these words over and over and over and over I don't care what just no but I am sorry I he said it a hundred times brush him in the end she heard and it changed it don't please don't ruin a good apology with a but I'm sorry and there is no excuse and if you again if you don't know what it is you hurt your spouse's feeling did you want to did you intend to and the more hurt they are then we have to understand it's not the issue and when you get to a point when you really really see that your spouse is genuinely hurt you have to begin digging into their world and you have to say to your spouse I feel terrible that I hurt your feelings help me understand a little bit better than what it is help me understand and don't answer back and now if you think apologizing is difficult what about the other side the other side is accepting an apology your wife's messed up your husband messed up and they come and apologize what do you do at that point you graciously with a smile say I get it probably he's not a creep probably she's not callous and probably she didn't do it to hurt me to intentionally do it and you have to learn to accept it graciously apologizing is a huge huge step forward in all human relations especially in a marriage because without fail every one of us does things to hurt us bounce every one of us says things that inappropriate some large some small and then if you don't know how to apologize and if you don't know how to accept an apology you're in deep trouble this is what I call the 10th really dumb mistake that very small couples make they don't know how to communicate and they don't know how to make up and move on I'm making up and moving on means and I recognize what I did wrong it's not the issue it's the underlying feelings and I apologize for it I feel terrible