What Should Be Done When Lashon Hora Is Being Said? - Rabbi Yakov Zev Smith

We have you have any help. [clears throat] I would like to welcome everyone to today's from what should be done when is being said sponsoring call 7188518651 or email is.com Smith today's subject this we were holding people asking shas [clears throat] people are learning and I want to start with the three shilas that perhaps um a certain sense one group when someone who is taken but someone's talking to him how's he supposed to react if he tells him something you might feel bad sometimes you have a question but you're sitting with an with a and someone says something and you feel very upset do I have to be are you allowed to be you're going to embarrass him and being yes I hear this all the time some has a question his parents or grandparents are saying how are you supposed to react you know is so basically maybe we can suggest the following start we know that the is of lash is a very but that maybe is talking listening maybe not so bad but the truth is at points out that's listening is the same a like talking in a certain sense because the person wants to say he's not going to talk through the walls if you say I don't want to hear he's out of business so really the listener enables the talker to do the a and that's why it's more than just the this is really an accomplice in the crime it's making it happen but today we're talking about a much better person. I'll call it he's an innocent bystander and it's about someone's talking to me. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to embarrass them. I don't want to hear it. A group is talking again. It's not me. I'm not enabling it. They're talking without me. How do we how is the the innocent bystander the what is his obligation? It's like everything else is a sug with and if it goes properly you'll see the answer to all of our questions in right in the beginning in the he says the of is the and that as we know now that is we call stage one that's any of you here we don't talk we know that Raum says in a person talks even if it's true who wants to destroy a world the so hopefully we're above talking you know it's interesting to see what is and once we had the someone was looking for a job for quite a while and he finally found a job [clears throat] After a few weeks, the boss called him in and gave him an ultimatum. He said, "Listen, you know, this is business. Business, you have to be aggressive. I know you're doing a good job, but you're not doing enough in knocking the competitor." You see, in business, why do they have to buy your goods? By part of the job is you got to talk bad about our competition and then you'll get more business. If you don't talk, if you're not more aggressive, he gave it a fancy word, you're out of a job. So in a not nice way but it was veiled he gave him an ultimatum talk or you lose your job true story and a person asked me to sh so this is in two places in and also he says that a person has to give up his job not talk because we have to give up you have to give up one how about a multitude of and essay but that's all our is not it's in fact it's a lower level of it's called so where do we know and it's really [clears throat] that the possibility >> [clears throat] >> are both that's the is of carrying listening to and furthering a lash says also is is a forab but primarily the is of is not because the is not it's but what's really puts things in perspective this week's par just lained [clears throat] both says either one throw him to the dogs how do you know this week's parish parish so in two places. Now, the truth is I found this shocking. You know, Kazal want us to talk Adidal. You know, we'd only try to we avoid trying to say the word to an here tell us take a human being a tell like him is and throw him to the dogs. So says it means after he dies. But even that's a what about he becomes dog food that's learned a thousand times the only ter I can understand want to accentuate what the isn is all about. So now we know two things that Lashhara is talking and Lashar is listening but again we don't yet see our situation where he's an innocent bystander he's not listening to make it happen but we do see something else this and the passes like In our mind, the one that's talking, he's doing worse. The listener is passive. But Kazal say it's not true. The listener is doing a bigger a where do you know this from? So some point to the story of and do spoke about was punished. He lost his life. Shaw was punished that him and his three children were killed. No schol is only a listener. Obviously a listener is worse. Kanye has a different source. And this is in the toyaka y spoke lashn about his brothers and he was put in jail for 12 years. Yak was mabalit lost for 22 years almost double. So definitely we see that the that not only is the shmea an isa but it's worse than the madab. Now what's the you know is some type of a that he's talking but if you show disapproval or if you say leave me alone I don't want to hear he won't talk to the walls. So the is making both he's making the isa happen that's why it's worse explained that has a problem someone did something wrong to him he saw something bad so he he thinks he has the facts all straight and he wants to share it with you but why you why are you listening why are you believing him you know he's about why do you think he's saying the truth says Why do you believe him? Why are you listening? But then you have the third and I think the most important part of Hilka's lash and especially for today [clears throat] and that is the listener is doing a bigger crime because he's really perpetuating the is because when someone eats kaza in your presence we don't say oh no it is what it is in a free country do what you want [clears throat] and when someone does lash and hurry that's much worse where's the outcry where's the reaction where's the zero zero tolerance happens and he explains why is worse because if you don't say something, if you don't react, you're making the problem remain because because if he won't talk to the walls, he won't talk to himself. But if you say something, it won't happen again. If you listen to him today, that means it's not so bad. No, he'll do it tomorrow. So the Shemeha is perpetuating the problem and that is the three is simply unbelievable how in one you see three is why she is worse. First of all, you're making it happen. Number two, why do you believe it? And number three, why there's the no why is there no protest? And that's why it's that the this of giving up on is not only by speaking even by listening you'll say when someone speaks he's doing a live but is so who you have to get money for me. [clears throat] So then I say if we just proved as we did that listening is worse than talking. So if you have to give for talking for listening even is an Abra and yet we find so why should be any worse or any less I should say but it's more than that theor a very sad story they took a person's they gave a person the go executed him and didn't want to release his body for until they paid an exorbitant amount of money. [clears throat] So the Shil was you have to give to get this is is an is only when a person does a is a there's no of where of is found he quotes this but he says he's not right [laughter] because the revolt in a truth. One of the [clears throat] says for the love even if it's an aim by if it's a love it's a love and that's [clears throat] why I saw the and in both say that is even for listening to so that puts thing in perspective. I should mention he says it on his own not [clears throat] this context that necessarily but he's not a it's a [clears throat] so now we have to move on. So now we have the following is but that's all what we call a fully loaded to listen you enjoy it [clears throat] our case is I don't want to hear it can I just be passive and let let it happen [clears throat] so here we'll see today especially but whenever you learn you You [clears throat] know, some people have their hangup, if I can use that word, they're always seeing bugs and vegetables. They're always seeing problems. So, people might erroneously think, his name was not really, right? But that was him. He always saw the more you learn that the more you see he was the he was a make he went through such lengths to find the for things and it's amazing that you'll see this today a few times but whenever you learn it we we spoke a few weeks ago about the of that was doesn't say somebody you see the point is the was not Mahm he was makish emis and emis is mut so mut is em [clears throat] and here we'll see that in a very dramatic way a few times that when most people say oh it's awesome what you do we no it's not true and he proves there a and a few times he brings a raya that we say wow that's a beautiful raya but not a ray [clears throat] so it's not we're not going to have today we're going to have the today. He says this question that that we are talking about we'll call it. We have to look to the source and I'm not going to be lazy because we have to get to the bottom of it. I'm going to work hard to find exactly what to do. But listen how he took it step by step so beautifully piece by piece. The first point he makes which is specifically talking to a innocent is [clears throat] now we all learned this but took it literally because it's a says when you go to war so you have to keep even in the even in the time of such great s they didn't have bathrooms those days you have to go out make a make a hole and cover what he leaves over. So is a to carry around during the war a peg that makes a hole in the ground and you could cover it. So she'll you believe it a clean but has a different And explains the made it that the ear the finger fits into the ear. It's a perfect fit. And the belt says earlobe, but M says fingers cuz I guess the better a better fit. Besides ignoring something, you have an close your ears, stuff your ears. [clears throat] So maybe that's the on the close your ears that this of to carry around with you a peg. So obviously what's the so it's only so we have to close your ears and we'll soon see maybe if you're embarrassed you don't have to do it because only see already he's leaning to find a if possible but then he says something in two places speaks about don't believe in lush the lash and har don't accept it. So maybe maybe that would be a hat toour case because you don't want to hear this lush and har but you have no choice. He's talking. So listen and don't believe it. It's not such a riot. Why? Because the is talking in a case. Listen to this. Where a person has a to look for. How is that? I have to hire a worker or find a my child or get a tenant and I have to know about the person. So has this famous I'm allowed to ask information and process it. So you're allowed to find out information. But that's where says that you don't have to believe it. You could keep it as a suffic as a beware. approach with caution and listen but don't be. So that's why the says constantly stress because if listening keep it at that why put it into the program as truth say listen I don't know if he's a Ghana but they told me he's a Ghana so I'm not hiring him. [clears throat] So he says we don't have that if you listen that's this would be only in a case where it's but then he says found both in don't sit in a place talking in other words don't stay and he quotes also So now we see the basically says there's an is even now what do we do? So again, he doesn't just leave us hanging. [clears throat] He says although there's an issa of listening but he says there's there's an here again you see I think in a more incredible way with brings out a tremendous and he says the following and he begins I I start with I shouldn't be now When you learn this, you'll see why he started with a cuz he's saying regarding but it's so convincing that you have to realize that's the says that there's a concept of or used a term of for example I'll give you a good example a person's living somewhere out of town whatever and walking to shul he has to pass a church a toma and punk. Now they're burning incense which incidentally is a form of vazar and has a very pleasant smell. What should he do? He might close his nose but he still smells it. What should he do? Because don't forget is so what are we supposed to do? So the says the following cloud is means he's not going there for to have the smell. He's going there cuz he has to go to that's means it's disgusting. I want to get out of here but I I can't walk any faster than I'm walking. Is That's awesome. Why you having a you have a no in the end of you can't listen to's music or look at the beauty of or smell of so [clears throat] and that's in other words if he enjoys the smell But if it's it's any so why can qualify for that it's it's what should I do I'm sitting by a table they talk oh wait a second but this is worse you're worse cuz you could close your ears. So if you're not what's the no I didn't go to listen I sat down. So now it's of not closing my ears. But if I'm still so it's also and takes the liberty of saying that if a person could make sure he's sitting there that's my term that's that's what I think he means to say it's a qualified and he's allowed to stay there. So now you know why he started with he's saying that's now I must mention it because you have to hear this all the time [clears throat] have one and that is a famous when someone is walking in a place that's notistic women are washing laundry ignores example so says even though he has even though he closes his eyes Russia why this is a real must be that and any form of it since it's such a strong you can't rely on unbelievable but he proved that's why you can't walk behind and many were extra careful so the basic cl is mut of that nature is awesome. So getting back says don't go to a place that because that's like the is of going if you went innocently not knowing you know don't forget there we don't have not yet seen a minute by is no lash table or lash table that would be convenient but it's not not happening. So you sit sit down, you're an innocent um guest and then so that being there is not the is but then he he goes back a moment. So one second. So what's the state? Why don't you leave at a different table? I you'll embarrass people. We'll soon see about that. But that's one another. Close your ears. the writes it very cleverly but at least we find the he shouldn't be on you see without his sitting by the table now he still has a problem with of closing your ears but then he says we'll get back to that soon as he says why you're not to close your ears But no doubt about it, the two aces when possible are number one walking away and number two closing your ears. Today there's a convenient alternative that's much less noticeable and that is people have these earbuds that they're always busy listening to. So put it on say oh excuse me I have to have a phone call and put your earbuds on and that's it. [clears throat] But what's what's I found unbelievable one of the says this approach these two-step approach is a of course the way before but it fits beautifully he says that's one option or leave say elsewhere so these are the two possibilities in a situation of Then if you taka can't leave, we'll soon see what that means. Or you and or you can't close your ears. One thing he says, you got to be careful. And he says it very dramatically. You are now in an a s potentially but you can't leave for some reason. You can't close your ears. You see the incredible way he saw the fire burning. There we saw Salanta was much older than came to him as a young man for the safer and no one knew who he was cuz he wrote the name he wrote the without a name and and so gave him a lot of cover walked them out of fact. So he says who is that? So he goes as see this amuna is an abstract saw things. He saw the he saw the he saw and here he saw an so he said what are you supposed about to do if you're sitting there stuck first of all he says you're not allowed to believe it that's also he says don't enjoy it don't be but the third I think is most important he says show displeasure certainly Don't show like, "Oh, it's pretty good." Like, don't chuckle with the cup. Don't agree. But more importantly, show a displeasure like a shock. [clears throat] And I think I think this the most important that we could talk about today [clears throat] is this point. You know, imagine sitting by old friends get together. They're all in their mid60s, a reunion of some sort. And one friend comes later than everybody else. He sits down and goes, "Gentlemen, guess what? My birthday today. I'm 65 years old." Oh, well, I decided I've been washing till almost 60 years ready. Since I'm 5 years old, I decided for one week I'm taking vacation. No washing till he picks a piece of bread and proudly bites into it and he eats the bread. What with those there? How would they react? Would the reaction be like, "No, it is what it is." You know, each their own. Free country or would they call or maybe Shim or the police something? Man needs help, right? What? What's so bad? It's only what do you mean? So why in the same scenario the same 65year-old person when he talks lash where's the outcry where's the outrage where's the zero tolerance anybody in his right mind think it's not as bad as as so the answer writes in two places [clears throat] one he writes in cotton giml the second place in the end of Yes. He said the problem with lash is a lack of sensitivity, a lack of awareness, a lack of a child is drilled to do certain things and he does it with great diligence. But Lashhara somehow fell fell to the wayside. It became a specialty from issue. [clears throat] And he says the the is the wrong perception the wrong the wrong attitude the wrong understanding of what it is and I think and that's the most important the problem is the attitude and the solution is the attitude the right attitude [clears throat] you know today there are tens of thousands of men women and children living lives free of lashar because they decided to learn and take it at least as serious Imagine a person walks in the shoe Friday night in the middle the height of the of Kabal Shabas and he's carrying a muk. So everybody said okay new what could you do say something what are you doing and is countless times worse but then I found in in the mus he writes a lot of yiddish is and it gives this contrast the til is much less than lash so why is there a plague in lash it's the perception it's the when someone sees lashhara and he lets it go and it's quiet. That's perpetuating the problem. That's part of that says but more importantly to be more positive part of the solution is when a person is shocked today. Why why do you do that? You're sitting with friends by a table. Why not say something in a nice way? You don't have to scream at him. But the says by by not expressing displeasure that's and that's the honest truth. It can't be [clears throat] worse than than says this show upon a of of displeasure of anger then the person won't talk. giml he says clearly if you don't say something it gets worse listens to listen to him he talks more and more but if he would show a shock a sense of zero tolerance it wouldn't happen and that's really why repeatedly says if you're stuck in a situation if you're not you're not fine But make sure prat number three don't show any type of acceptance of tolerance because there is no way to tolerate that [clears throat] and earlier in giml says therefore speaking up and saying excuse me even if it doesn't work and he won't stop it's going to help it's at least not going to send an message that I don't here and that's what's important. So it's there if you want to put it that there's one to stop the a second independent is even if you can't stop the a so we we don't want to perpetuate that terrible wrong attitude that is and says this clearly that even if it doesn't help you have to speak up to show a displeasure. So that's really the cloud that he says in why one has to make some type of reaction and I think there's another point when someone hears lash it it desensitize him and here he is he's so careful and people and they say so just like why is that because if you saw you lost a little bit of your sensitivity so you have to you have to have a an antidote You have to have a a vaccination to get rid of the germs. That's the mitzvah. Even if it won't work, it helps for you. When someone sees something, it has makes an impression. And we regain our sensitivity. The only times that you don't have to speak up is when it's going to make it worse. And this light that happens, he goes some how can you talk about like that? And he starts yelling and screaming. He's a sit down. Let me tell you what he really is. So my you know he's going to give you whole slowly why he's not. So that's says if it's if he's going to make it worse then cut your losses. But what you think you think it's not going to help. It's not true. It will help for yourself. It will regain your sensitivity. you're gonna voice protest. you're gonna stop that terrible attitude like so that's why says and quotes that even though we say that's only by we don't say especially and today which is so like so of it's not going to help because it does help. It's more than it helps for yourself and helps for others as well. [clears throat] Now one thing I want to mention also the dua says in in quotes if someone is not and this is something that's challenging but it always has an effect now what often I hear this question and it's a very innocent good question if I'm going to say something especially there's a group of people sitting here and he's saying lashhara I'm going to say lashh I'm embarrassing him I don't want to do And I quote the don't embarrass him. So how could I how could it be? It was a big he'll remember the pina wanted so much that a sister should have a child. So she oppressed and yet was a terrible famous when you hurt someone's feeling the is not anish it's it's a you put your hand in fire it gets burnt is a fire [clears throat] but being made that you know once said I which he is made. So how could I do it? So now a person all of a sudden he can't be he can't give but is making one one simple mistake means if you could do it in a more pleasant way do it don't yell at him publicly take him to the side explain to him wait till a good time how you give don't break the person break the a don't say you're a no good nick say you're a wonderful person it's a pastish take a positive attitude, but you have to do in the most pleasant way. But it's not a tour of because to my knowledge, nobody really enjoys. You don't like to be told you do something wrong. Very few people. So what's the mit of the of do it in a way that's that's least painful. I am a I am a vishim. That's not that's the mitzvah of the is talking about that gave that's that's but if you're doing a mitzvah you have nothing to worry about. So you take a positive attitude and you tell them a nice way this is not for you but try to give privately if you know it will make it worse if you have any doubts the say that you have to give and don't worry if he gets embarrassed that's part of the mitzvah. He has to feel bad that he didn't have the one of the one of the he says if you have to stop him even if it means he's going to feel bad because that's the mitzvah of now the next question is when a person gave and it didn't stop the and now he's stuck hearing the what could he do says as follows really in he should close his ears. He's embarrassed but from doing a is not that the first that if that's the then you can't say I'm embarrassed but he says maybe a person will t I can't I I just can't do it. No, for that we'll say at least do the other three preconditions. Don't enjoy it, don't believe it, and show displeasure. He leaves with the following. See again he found every since we said that that the of putting one's ear is not a maybe will override a even though he said it's because if that's the mitzvah. So you have to use but this he says clearly the best date is to walk away and you know why shouldn't he why should he sit with a lash table if he can't do that close your ears if not at least be careful be very careful to keep his ears you know focused on not hearing and not be and this he says is it if he has to close his ears but at least fulfill those three preconditions. The next question, people always ask me this and it deserves a good answer. I hope I'll give you a good answer. Writes many times, don't believe. And what does that mean? He told me a story. He's an is I think I mean he's not so but he told me a story. What does that mean? Don't believe the morasha. You ask inquiring about a a shiddok or a worker. They say, "Oh, stay away. He's a He's a dangerous person. He's a kind of whatever he is." You're allowed to listen. You're allowed to act upon it, but don't believe it. What that mean? And someone told me he still doesn't believe they landed on the moon in 1969. Okay. Don't believe. I mean, facts are facts. So, it sound like a good kasha, but anybody who thinks and has experience in life knows that you can't believe people what they say. told his anical once when I say don't believe it's because roy people are mash and all people are mazimmal says even kazal speak but the truth is we see this all the time you hear a story that happened hear it this morning by tomorrow morning the story grew three times as big as it used to be he had a and he had a zoi You know that that's human nature. The Rambam writes a letter to his to his obviously he says don't think that I was because I I know that people change things and you can't believe anything anymore. And then again said this, it's not just that it's not right. It's foolish. People believe everything they hear. It's foolish. And you look both in the and they both say he's going on because a person is talking obviously he's not saying. So why do you believe him? How could you believe him? Don't you have a little s that things change? People see things they assume as it's not like that. I want to tell you something happened I think a year ago. You know I have to speak to you different places. I I speak by conventions where I'm shabas and they sometimes reprint what I said and they print it. So I'm used to mistakes because I understand people there's no tape recorders there's no recorders and people forget they confuse me. No. So I see what Shag once said even what's printed in a newspaper don't believe it because not only is the whole newspaper sheer even the data sheer because they print it let's say today for tomorrow it's even data sheer papers are definitely better but you know you can't trust what's fit to print is not fit to print but two years ago I spoke to somebody during the week they hired someone to write up the speech and he printed it all during the week. A whole story when I went to England, I never in my life went to England. I didn't mention even the letter E in any context. How did it come that someone that was there during the week and heard it and recorded it and wrote it up wrote in a paper that I went to England? So nothing bothers me anymore. But this was like shocking. So that's really part of understanding. People have a tendency to exaggerate to assume incorrectly and outright mistakes come out. So why do you have to believe it? Why should you believe it? You know there's a there's wonderful books out there. I don't know how many volume I saw the first volume true stories each story written by by the Bala Misa how something looked terrible and they thought it's the worst and then they found out not only was that person not a Russia but a sadic there was and each story is amazing that teaches you what American all American statement you never know that's the side of it you never know you know they try to sell the power ball buying buying more tickets to win you never know But in you never know people do things. But the problem is people take that in the wrong way. It doesn't sound right that he said that did that but you never know. That's the opposite of so what you do is like you do in you have a what do you do? Okay you never know. I don't know. Leave it as why write the person off the map. It looks terrible. You never know. Leave it as that's it. And interesting they say he writes if someone's angry and he wants to vent, he wants to let off steam. Listen to him. And the way he writes it is but don't believe him. Cuz look, he's angry. He's out of control. He's hurt. you know tell us a person is is venting and he says wrong things understand it but don't believe him and that's why it's very easy to make that that division you're listening shake your head maybe even but it shouldn't go to belief I found Thursday unbelievable medish I never saw before maybe you saw it in re sim me when The told bad news got to go back to he was the telling him go see the because I don't believe it I if I don't see it I don't believe it. Seeing is believing. It's pillar play. The version tells you there's a saying no no there's a lesson for us. People assume things that they never saw. They don't know for sure but you like to give the benefit of the guilt. Why do that? Look how Misha went to the length not to believe something. >> [clears throat] >> So that's why this question is a very difficult one. But as we know the cloud is we said this many times if there's a to do something we have the ability to listen and not to believe we have the ability but more easily don't believe what people say they're all if there's a then we have the ability to overcome that particular challenge. The most challenging question at least to me is what we hear all the time. Parents or grandparents are saying something and the child goes to yeshiva and he he doesn't know what to do. So this we should know we hear about it. We have to know it's the how accurate it is. The sham refers as keep it off the if you respect your parents like you're respecting me. We don't fight about other mitzvah kov is a superpower of yiddish kite but then again lashhara is also a superpower is a superb and we know the the basic clar learns it says inv parent tells you do whether it's a a or a say or even a don [clears throat] you can't Listen. So now we have a situation here that's more challenging. It's two superpowers clashing and lash. So that's spells it out that when a parent want a child to tell him, he can't listen. He can't do what they told him because the it's like you're not going to listen to a parent that's that's telling a child to an aer. And this is in in test a he has to respect himself. He has to say I rather not we we learned about it to not to give them ma not to make them feel foolish for asking but to but to to fulfill that is an so what do you do so I try to give this over to the bakim you know parents are older than you I say in America today children not only they're smarter than parents they're older than parents so I first tell them parents are older than you and they're smarter than you now maybe you have a better than this but when they're told what to do like come over here talk attack let me tell you what what's right it's very demeaning it's very wrong you could take an attitude of I would love to help you I would love to say what what you want me to say but we can't like you know almost like you know also but you know you might have forgotten but any way that maintains their respect you have to give that message I can't do it not because it's and quotes a frightening of the in the beginning of a person shouldn't hear his parents saying to him because if he does so whether the parent is asking for from the child or telling the child in in two places And in again he says the child cannot oblige the only question is fine what should he do see so a child that's doesn't know the say well my parents are I don't have to listen to them it's wrong says they're still and he says this he proves this conclusively that the fact that they ask for doesn't make them they're So this has a beautiful beautiful I should say but basically says when a parent is doing there's an active a going on and the child has to stop them because the difference between in the future and stopping an ongoing and but then he says and this is in a different safe of is this is he has a safe and hus part of so it's the enderic hey he has this very sh and listen to what he says he says someone asked him the parents talk should he close his ears put his hand fingers in his ears it's pretty embarrassing for a child that the parents are talking and he you know stuffs his ears or even puts his earbuds on and starts listening to but I'm talking to you listen it's interesting Let's say the ch the parent is about to feed the child in his mouth tus could the child close his mouth. Yeah. So why can he close his ma close his ears when they're feeding a blush? And that's why he comes out that yes it's mut for the child to stuff up his ears. Now this is a to me first of all if the child shows this pleasure and he's not and it's don't we have the original that is the only the only problem with that is that you're not doing a closing your ears but in this case there's a good reason why he's not doing that they're aban he could accomplish the same he looks uncomfortable the parents know and maybe they feel guilty but they continue talking whatever the reason is but is it enough of a to embarrass a parent you see when the a is going on to stop them here if it's just a question of listening to the end of it it's hopefully we could say it's like one he's not believing it he's not he's showing displeasure So again it's very hard to tell a child to go home and close his ears you know very often that causes busha what best aid it would be if the child says it in a nice way oh that might be lash didn't you know and hopefully if you the child remembers when the father learned with him he could say we learned that when we learned that suga it's always best he said to in a nice way respectful way but if it means being mish to parent I would leave it as if it's really the right thing to do in a different and says you shouldn't close your ears when you're in your parents' presence but something to look into if that's the the real to do an important part that's the I should say of this whole is dealing with children how parents have deal with children in this concept of so as I mentioned earlier both in and he says the is there's not enough parents show sensitivity to every minute and it comes to it's a free country says if only parents would train children learn with children be living examples that would change them [clears throat] Tak he writes about his mother his mother was a daughter his mother was a sister of the and the daughter of who the father of and the mo so his mother was once walking in the street and she heard someone told and her father who was the so she was a young child she was traumatized she ran home and told her father what happened and her father said one word And that burn through an he couldn't reme couldn't forget that word. So again a reaction of a parent does goes does wonders goes goes goes the far furthest way. If we show so much devotion to to every other minute, every other nuance of what about what about starting by the table to learn it if if you if it's needed usually it's needed but showing a sense of resentment that it can't go on. But my point and this is important. There's another thing you have to keep in mind. We live in a world what we hear today stories that our hair stand on end what children hear from other children. what children expose other children to. A child has to have an open line of communication with parents. The child comes home, you know what happened today? No, no, don't tell me. It seems right, but it it's catastrophic. A child is living in a dangerous world. I mean, what we hear from sixth graders that expose their friends to hem a thousand times, but there's a world that's very dangerous. People do things to children. And I don't want to get on with details, but a child that's living with an image that I can't tell my parents what happened because it's lash is in great danger. What's the secret? The secret, like I've said many times, every challenge and opportunity. A child comes home, the first time it happens, he's angry what the teacher said, what the Rebi said. Say, "My kid can't tell me what happened." Listen. Say, "You know something? This wasn't really the teacher's fault or the Reby's fault. You're still young. I understand you. But that wasn't right. The teacher was right. You're young still. And in the future, think before you talk because it was lush and her. But tell me again whatever happens tomorrow something else happens and maybe talk child's right. You have to go say don't tell oh your rebi is wrong that you don't do. But you know you work it out. But every single time the child is being trained, I talk and I have to judge before I talk and is mutis. The father will tell him what to do. But if there's an open line of communication, the child has hope. But if it's going to be don't talk, the child is being subjected to a terrible danger. So it has to be this this juggling of the two. But it comes to boils down to it when a child says something that was wrong then you talk with passion not anger. See our child today will say he'll get scared off and never come back. You know we have a different child today but you do with with with understanding you know whenever you have a problem come to me but remember sometimes you don't see it from the right angle but there should be that approach that we could do it and the truth is you think about the tens of thousands of men women and children today living lives free of lash and har it's the greatest testimony to that I once in a camp I go to there were two girls maybe six years old not more one said something I didn't hear what she said and the other one said ouch my ears hurt when I hear lash haram I'll leave you with a beautiful story I guess we'll cover purumar once baron said the story on purum over the story was sitting with his and the yeshiva they were provering and was drunk obviously and he said rebi reb whatever he called him I want you to promise me next to you in ganed said me no No, no, no, no. You must promise me pushing him off and he saw that he has to go to the he has to go back home for the suda and he's persisting. He goes, "Listen, if I have any ganaden, it's because for 62 years I didn't speak lash. If you're mab now to live your life, not talk lash, I promise you next to me in ganed is promising." And suddenly the ba got a little sober and didn't respond. And was waiting, you know, I just gave you an offer of a lifetime and quiet. No, he said quiet. So Baron said, "We heard from the one of the one of the big of said take this book away from me. He was by the sh of Ganeden and he gave it up. I can't look at him." Now you can take the stories you want, but to me the story is a tremendous vote of confidence. Bakim were young. They weren't like postit ro 18 19 and expected a young bak to commit on the spot live a life never talking the answer is a resounding yes if you have a maha that's allian and attitude you could do the same felt he could commit to live a life free of lashar and we see that today how true it is of bring amen Shame for today's shoring. Call 7188518651 or email.com. Amen. >> [clears throat] >> make it forget many times advertises certain shim is going to show live samples but this year and there's no samples especially not with names seekum of the we learned and I think the first thing is the the greatest of our golas is we raised the bar in basically [music] people ask we have to give try to give talking is listening to is the of is our for today basically when someone is stuck in a lash situation the best thing is to walk away and you could talk to show disapproval people deserve that that um you know conveying that that message sending because they shouldn't be talking either walk away or minimally close your ears if you can't do that. So had a big hat to stay there like a he has to be careful not to be not to be but it's like a like a and if he keeps it to the with the way the requires it no hano no show show of approval and of course it's something that he's not showing that he's that would be a thea does not apply to as we said but basically a person has to show a certain intolerance upon says because the root of the problem is we get uh we accept it we overlook it if there's a zero tolerance attitude then there won't be a person is not to be what that means you have to understand that people exaggerate some people lie sometimes people are inaccurate but basically a person should makes some reaction when he hears the is being said to show that he's he's not going to accept it. I when you give ma you embarrass a person that's not the is the is like if you do more than you have to do and that's not like it's not an the again not to be is people are when someone wants to vent to you you could listen and don't believe it that he wouldn't believe it it's a tremendous insight how we have to have that that resistance to believe something bad about another Eid. And basically when a parent is either talking or wants you to talk, the is that you you can't do it, but do it in the most respectful way. Some hold you even to close your ears, but do it in a way that maintains their respect and hopefully that will stop. A child should be trained in lash all the time, but there must always be that open line of communication. If there any problems, the child knows who to share with.