Rabbi Yoseph Vigler

okay let's begin okay so our topic tonight is parenting it's like our topic is what's the name of yes okay our topic is the challenges of being on the journey alone or single so let me just put it out there that the way i designed this conversation it's designed around divorce so it's built for parents who are raising children and they experienced a divorce on some level however i'm not divorced for hashem but i learned a tremendous amount myself from it and i don't think the lessons are um at all designed only for people undergoing an undergone a divorce it has everything to do with people who have undergone a challenge and as we'll see a divorce means not so much um a divorce is really where you're forced to retreat into a different setting in your life which means you viewed life one way and then you're divorced from that perspective on life that you had and now you're forced into another perspective so if you're married you'll have a lot hopefully to gain as well and let's jump right a in few months ago there was an article in uh in one of the big magazines from magazines and in this article the the writer wrote and he was answering a question i never read the magazine i don't some i don't just whatever the magazine didn't come my way but a mother called up my wife and sent her this um this article and she asked for help and what this magazine article said was as follows someone wrote a letter to a rabbi who's answering questions in this magazine the question they asked was um basically i'm married a second time and i have kids and he has kids and we both have kids from before and it's very challenging to handle marriage bachelor is challenging koskinen how much more so when you have to also deal with children from other marriages and i can't take it anymore we do have two kids together but we decided to get divorced and the conversation is about how best to do it what's the best way etc so i didn't get the whole full entire thing but i just got the gist of it um the rabbi who answered the question said he said i heard um he writes in the magazine the shame moharosh of breslif so it's a quote which comes from it's a second degree that um you should never get divorced and that uh when you get the voice that says in the gemara in getting the garish is if you get divorced the mizbayach cries tears because you got divorced so he said chat that means we are is crying because the mizbayach is designed for corbonas for offering sacrifices and when you offer when you get divorced you're essentially offering a sacrifice of your child on the miss bear you sacrificed your kid so don't get divorced that was the message so this mother called up and she said you know i feel that it's a lack of sensitivity because maybe if you're trying to convince someone not to get divorced in a one-on-one conversation maybe that's a good thing to say okay let's say it is which is probably what maharash of breslau was writing in the first place trying to convince someone not to get divorced the trouble is that in a magazine when you're printing it's going out to everybody when it goes out to everyone so she says my 14 year old child read this and i am divorced my 14 year old child is going me sugar he's going crazy because he's saying mommy you sacrificed me on the mizbayach because look it says here that you sacrificed me in the mizbayach so i want to know i want to know why you sacrificed me in the mizbeh and the kid is going crazy meshuggah he's angry he's upset he can't take it and she wanted to send it to me to ask me to send the voice note to make the child feel good and i said like uh i don't know what should i say like no don't worry it's okay you know that that you're even the kid's upset so the kid's upset because he's upset before the article the article just brought out the worst of the child and the kid is tempeh tantrums he's throwing he's going meshuggah he's going crazy it's really really upset so i wanted to go study the suggest to go learn so just to put it out there we have an organization called my extended family which we started in flatbush and then it started to run all over we have it in flatbush muncie five towns crown heights and t-neck now and it's running for single-parent kids um crown heights also my extended family uh it goes to about right now until we're working on getting a teen program but right now still about bar mitzvah 14 years old 15 years we'll get that medicine anyway so does it address if you have if you're from a divorce don't have a kid's sibling is it that we need a heads up for that i'll explain you afterwards the details of what it does but um you know we have this thing going so they wanted us they weren't you know they writing to me to say what do you what do you think so i decided let me study this because i really wanted to understand why is the mizbehar crying what's up with them is bear crying and miguelish history shayna philip is back murderers why is that miss bear crying and what do we do about this um there was a an a and we had a shabbaton once for for um this organization so one one parent he's already a parent he's already married 20 years and he was describing what it was like when his parents were divorced and what he said was this kid from i don't know williamsburg i think he was from he said he said for eight years i was working doing everything in my power fatherhood shouldn't have to cry and what did i do and what did i do he said i basically i told my mother i told my mother one day that tati wants to make to invite you for pesach but he wants you to come for pesa i told my father mommy wants you to come for pesach and she said you know it's amazing you just prepared the whole thing so i told them both and i made pesa he says if i can describe to you the worst pesach ever in history that's what it was now for eight years i was trying to make them stop them as bad from crying and then and then i gave up let's learn the subject together and understand and we'll see that when we understand this why the mizbeh is crying it leads us to a whole new way of thinking and understanding what happens when we have one way of living and we are divorced from that way of living forced by whatever happened circumstances in life that we never intended never wanted and yet something changed and transformed completely and we became brand new people and the mizbeh is actually empowering us in this process and why the mizbeh is crying is probably one of the most powerful tools we could use in our own lives understanding the tears of the mizbayah so let's go back to the sugiya in in massachusetts now let's learn some gemara ready you okay with learning some gemara so my sector getting begins the first thing you must have to get in is a mishna remember the mishnah what's the measure if someone brings the get from overseas what's the din he has to say before nintendo this yet was signed and sealed before me that's the din isn't that the strangest place to begin a conversation about what are getting if i were to ask you how would you open up the track date that begins talking about divorce what would you say so i don't know what is divorce what does it get when are you allowed to get get divorced how do you get divorced the mission says i'll tell you the first place i want to start if somebody brought a get from overseas he's got to say it was signed and sealed in front of me i'm like i don't know what a get is and why are you telling me some obscure case of someone who brings a get from overseas makes no sense to begin in the middle of absolutely nowhere when does the gemara or the missionary describe what exactly is a get when do you give a get you have to wait kitten is 90 blood you have to wait for the end the last mishna says by the way let's talk you know when you're supposed to give a get and the mission has all discussion and that mission is you want to say you shouldn't approach that one so the mission says when should you give a get so there's an argument like everything else three-way argument is when should you give a get there's only one opportunity if mozaba er vas dover if it's mama's impossible and the situation is bleak and you find there's infidelity in the marriage then and only then may you get divorced that's shamai's opinion second opinion is hello they still will say when should you get divorced if the if she burnt the food she made a dish and then got burnt okay out divorce if that wasn't if that wasn't bad enough sorry kiva he has a better opinion he says you can get divorced oh even if you find someone that you like better so nothing went wrong in the marriage marriage is fine i'm just not in the mood so now what do we have okay so when should you get divorced sharma is if it's um infidelity okay got that one hillel says you don't like the food it's burnt out and says even if you find someone who's posted nicer and you like that person more graceful in your eyes no charming isn't that strange who says what you see in the whole shots shammai is always more mahmir sharma is more stringent hillel is always more lenient so who's more lenient who's more stringent over here xiaomi looks very strange you can never get divorced hillary looks to be very lenient hillary's saying whatever it's good it's out but of course it's quite the opposite because essentially what shama is saying is you don't like the marriage no problem it's okay i mean that's hill he'll say you don't like the marriage belief you're out shouldn't hillel be fighting for marriages hillary's the guy who's always lenient remember the whole story with the guy the guy who comes to convert and he says i want to convert and lamdani the whole terror while standing on one foot and sharma he sees him he sends him flying by amazing he takes the measuring thickening as get out of here and the same thing for the guy i wanted to convert teach me the whole terror standing on one foot out what does hitler say you want to know the whole tear standing on one foot no problem he says i'll teach you the whole thing and he gives them is stringent with people hello always welcoming and lenient can you imagine hillary's world of divorce how many people will be divorced in hills world and how many people will be divorced in shamay's world shamai is holding people together hillel is breaking marriages apart why and remember when it comes to marriage itself there's an argument between shaman and hillary we only know one part of the argument you know the famous song kate said in life it's very good that we only sing one opinion so he's saying graceful and beautiful and delightful color we should sing the shammy part of it what does shamai say says tell the color whatever she is if she's higher so it's summer if she's lame or blind say so so what are you going to say shyamal saying kate some reaction you're ugly you're lame you're blind and just say it like it is what does shy might say you got to be honest you got to be honest and real and yet for some reason afterwards when it comes to upholding marriages shamai is the fighter to keep marriages intact and hillel is the one who says ah it's okay anything's fine you know who makes the least sense is going to be a kiva and akiva says at least hillary you're going to do something you got to burn the food rabia keva says you don't need to do anything and and it's okay to get the boss decision love your neighbor as you love yourself love your friend like you love yourself how about love your wife like you love yourself no you don't like it you can leave and it's very perplexing gemara because it makes absolutely no sense everything seems to be topsy-turvy and turned over but when we look and we understand what the machlakis is what the gemara is saying we get a whole different approach to the sukiya shamai akiva the argument is what should we do keep the marriage intact break the marriage you see they are not arguing about when you should you should get divorced the argument is the conversation is if somebody comes along and says ich kenshoi nisht it's too difficult for me i can't do this when you say i can't do this what is reason enough to say i'm out that's the question if somebody says you want to know when you should get divorced you should stay married all the time never get divorced try whatever you could to stay married absolutely that's what you should do but when a person comes along and says i cannot do it you already decided you can't do it now the question is what's a valid reason why not let's back back up and zoom out and understand what is a get you know that the word get gimmel tess is gematria 12. and ghazal explained that every get needs to have 12 lines and you must write 12 lines you're not out of mind more or less get needs to be 12 lines what's the source of having 12 lines in the get because in the hummus there's homage voice between each hamish there's a few lines so the first place that's in gitan says how many lines are there between bereishis and choice and each one four between each one total of sixteen but we don't count divirim because the volume is a repetition of the homicide so the first four homashim have three breaks in between them each one has four lines and those four lines is three times four equals twelve why are there 12 lines in a get because there are 12 lines in the break between the homashim that means when a person undergoes a get they often make a false impression understanding that they have been kicked out and ousted and they are no longer part of normal society a get seems to be a bill of hatred because there's only one way to make a get and that is if you have an argument and a fight most people don't do you ever notice that somehow i always wondered about in corona you know my daughter was dating so the guy was in uh in france and we decided that no way we're getting a outside you know from france because corona wait to come in shotgun convinced us no problem it was every problem in the world there was absolutely no way to get there so they went on dates on zoom so it was great zoom was good and i said i don't what's the problem you could do kidushin you could just send you know a thing over if you want to get married you just send the tabasa and it works perfect nobody was willing to listen but somehow when it comes to a get very often happens that way why do gittin happen through and nobody has i've never seen a marriage take place through an agent because don't happen in favorable circumstances generally and the mistake that comes about is we think when a get happens it's all about hatred animosity and negativity the torah says there's a mitzvas assay de reza that is it's absolute love it's ways are ways of pleasantness the wholeness even and it's all peace how can it be peace and love when the only way to get there is by fighting most people don't get to experience get unless they have strife and argument and yet the tears telling us that a get is an act of love because every single thing every single mitzvah in terror must by definition be about love where's the love in a get where's the love i get is 12 lines lest a person think that when they are about to experience the get they are about to be kicked out as david says you think i'm getting kicked out that i'm not shy to the jewish community because let's face reality as it is the jewish community is designed around family you cannot get away from that the facts are that the way we live is there's shabbos tables and there's communities and there's certain ways people relate and one day the machine comes will be able to change the stigma but as until that time or at least right now it's still not easy to be a from person and to be divorced and when a person gets to that stage that difficult space where they find themselves as i'm divorced i'm out it's such a painful place to be in every time i talk to someone i see the conversation it's so it's it's it's harsh it feels like like nobody cares it feels alone it feels lonely you feel like a pariah like an absolute outcast like yesterday i was one like everybody else and today for all i can i have all my reasons why it happened and there was no choice but nobody actually knows that and to the world out there it sometimes feels almost unclean that's how other people look at it and a person knows in themselves it wasn't even my fault and there was nothing i could have done and i feel like nobody out there understands the struggle and appreciates the struggle and i've spoken to so many people who in this position and i must tell you i don't get it it's not possible for someone to understand and appreciate the depth of the challenge unless they've gone through it comes to terror and says i get you i get that this is a harsh position to be in but i want you to know something that to give a get is a mitzvah assay de raisa the host of los safer creases vanoss and beyoda most people don't get to experience the midsole after they rise and any mithsas are saying torah is absolute and utter love and you wonder like love love is the word you're using not the hebrew word l-o-v-e love yes when i get the get i'm getting an act of love where's the love the love is in the 12 lines the love lies in the ability to discover that you're not getting pushed outside of the community what's happening to you is you're getting transferred and transformed and transitioned from one humish to the next between bereishis and shmoist there's a break there's a new way of thinking it's a whole new way of working when the abuser gave the terror on her sinai it was a glorious moment he gave the torah ah beautiful that's the marriage between hashem and claudius beautiful day you know the story of the mountains all the mountains wanted for the terror to be given on them and what did hashem say no he looked at the mountains so it says capital harim gavin all these mountains these tall mountains they thought they would be chosen and hashem says hashem the ship to which mountain har sinai why because he was a baby mountain he was tall but not tall enough you have to have a certain stats you know this hashem by igbo but not too much it's hacien i was chosen what were the names of the mountains that were rejected the major says you know what they were there were two mountains who were rejected their names were tavor and her caramel because they were too tall for a thousand years or for a few hundred years those mountains felt rejected because we were never chosen for terror to be given us does anyone know tana what happened on hare carmel so what happens is elio navi comes to mount carmel and all the jews this is the time of achov and is the king his evil is the queen notorious they have destroyed killed off all the naveem all the prophets ever come along and um and they ovadiya was the guy in charge he was a yeresha mine he meets elio and he always says them tell akhov i'm ready for a duel you want it to rain back i took away the key for rain you want it to rain back i'll make your duel he brings them to the mountain tar caramel and he stands in high caramel and the leo gathers four hundred viable on the other side and he stands alone as a navi on the other side and there over there he's here and they started offering their sacrifices to the bow and there's a whole story they took the the mizbayach they built him and they built this thing and they went down and they put a guy underneath and he was supposed to light it and the snake came and bit him and the whole day they were darkening and darkening and diving into the bowel then coiled the nothing worked and then it says that elio said i am going to now show you to bring hashem back and elio puts up the mizbeh and he lights up hashem and he lights the carbon and he puts the bull on and he dives to hashem and a fire comes down and the people saw the fire and what do the people say hashem those become the immortal words that we all say at the end of yom kippur seven times they said it twice har sinai we heard one time on eke on her caramel we heard two times you know the difference between har sinai in high caramel is a sadiq versus the baal tishova on our sinai the jews with sadiq holy people it just went through taken out of its time brand new birth 49 days sadikim then zhu they fell down there was a haita eagle and then there was the khatayam of navarat and all the sins that happened all the time and they reached this this lowest point and then leo comes along and he brings them back he brought the people back to teshuva what was eliyahu able to achieve the mountains that were rejected the mount mount carmel was able to be brought back into the fold and he says because when you do teshuva you have double the power of what you had the first time and then if you look carefully on har tavor what happened there voira also caused the people to do chuva another story you won't go into and in shiraz the vajra says is used twice because it was double the power of anointing when elio makes that misbehave he puts up the altar the possum says these words hashem he cured the altar the mizbeach that was destroyed when armistrol got married it was a time of rejoicing when they were sent out that's a bill of divorce and what happens in the bill of divorces the mizbayach gets destroyed and what a yo did was he built the mizbayach and he rebuilt the mizbayach that was destroyed you see why is it that only the mizbaya cries suppose the mizbaya is crying when a person and the goddess now means bear is crying why is the beast of everything else why isn't his bear crying so let me tell you something about them the governing student says that his beard has four things the word misbehave is not tricking it stands for the following words what does that mean first he's mesia he removes any decrees that are upon the jewish people then he sustains them he says what do you need what food what nourishment do you need then he is he endears them to hashem and finally he's makhape he atones for any avails do you see the order of how the mizbeh functions first he pushes aside any decrees you have any problems push them away nothing matters then he says what do you need then i can help you with meizin i'll sustain you i'll nurture you i'll nourish you then he says i love you mehab and then he says by the way there's some of various that we're going to get rid of i'm going to atone for the awares the mizbeh does what every parent of a kip knows to be fact what you're supposed to be doing a kid's got problems he's doing avidas he's got some things he's doing wrong we don't touch those things the first thing we do is meiziach there's nothing between you and me i love you i have an absolute and utter and complete love for you next what do you need bubbaler shayfully what do you need that i can help you with and the mizbeh goes and says i'll give you whatever you need amazing then he says i absolutely love you i want you to know that i love you and the kid says you see my tattoos you still love me what tattoos i didn't see anything and then the final stage now that theirs get removed automatically you don't need to do anything it just happens naturally when it comes to a couple getting married the mizbeh says what do you mean you know how i work i never see anything wrong i never see problems all i see is ah beautiful gorgeous delicious shaman i don't see any problems so i just i i i love you i give you i give you what you need i sustain you everything's good and then we deal with our veils when a person gets divorced the mizbayach cries you know why yes he says i would never have done that i would have figured out a way to stay it has to be impossible for you to do it that's part one but when you look carefully at what the mizbeh is saying you get a depth he's saying i would never have done that and then he's looking at you and saying but you did it's not over yeah i look at you now he's not crying at you he's crying with you nothing beats having someone who understands and appreciates and feels my pain in the moment it's the worst thing when everybody's like talking at me you shouldn't have got divorced you should have done this what do you understand about me and what i'm going through can you even relate to the tsar i went through only the mizbeh can relate the mizbeh gets down he doesn't scream at you he's not saying no no you should never have done this he's saying i love you so much don't ever think that you have no more power don't ever think that god doesn't care about you anymore don't ever say the community has decided that i'm not i'm an outcast i'm a pariah i can't be normal again show the community something that the community never knew existed in the first place at the abrister doesn't need sadikim that's one way of doing avodah but the real way of doing avoider is the baal to shove what defines about the suva not what we think right the guy who did whatever the happiness he wished you were about someone who underwent a challenge and a difficulty and was forced into a deeper space you know this whole shabbos i'm looking around and i'm seeing a balchuva atmosphere it's unreal it's electrifying the atmosphere is incredible what's so incredible about him because it's people all of us who go through life and we were expecting what did my russell say very nice he says you know they told you about the shabbat brothers and it's very nice but when it comes to real life sometimes it doesn't go the way we want it sometimes the kid that we wanted to give us nachas and to be this most staked in learning and he's just a holy tardical and my sadikal wants a tattoo and that throws me into a space that i never knew existed and i start to think that the ambition kicked me out that he's not interested and doesn't care about me but i what the hebrews doesn't want me to be doesn't want my kid to be from versailles sichuan villa does of course he wants that and the abuser says don't tell me what i want what i want is the depth of an isham crying and yearning to the abhishek you know what david says when he was kicked out hashem he said these words he says sorry my soul thirsts for you my souls yearns yearns for you i'm not able to be near the mishkan i wish i could be in the holy space in in the mishkan then he says these words cain and a literal level it means i should see you in the kaidesh but the hasidic translation is i wish i could see you the way i see you now when i'm outside that's the power of a valet when you're from you wish you could see the abishtar when you're at saddam you wish you knew what god was it's cultural let's face it right we're cultural jews with the shmain of a goddamn with all thing but what are we why do we keep your kite that's why you're going to be meshuggah not too much you don't want to put on a tit and fill it with david and maybe so yet and talk and land on theta and and having a nice family and a shabbos table and a humpta table and you get to go to florida and you know for the the summer and the pesach we go to hotel and we get to shabbaton it's there's no judaism there's no god in that space when you go through pain when you go through that suffering which we never want to go through you see cain described i should have had that yearning when i was in that space back then gets down on the ground and he cries with you he cries because he says don't give up i never gave up on any jew throughout history i was happy for every single jew and before i was and then on you too shaythalam you're a yid and the abyss just shifted you you didn't want this if you have a choice don't do it but the ability to shifted you from one position to another he didn't kick you out he moved you from one hummish to another hamish from one parasha to another parishioner you were in the parasha of sadiq now you get to be elevated a higher status to the parasha of a balchuva heart of carmel could not have terror given on them but when elio stands over there he says guys you see har carmel couldn't be chosen verse 5 was because he was a balgaiver he was arrogant but i'm going to show you that i can break the arrogance too you know what it is we want to be arrogant we want to be and then you see that the best kind of arrogance is by igbali hashem it's really when you have god with you and you actually feel hashem's presence you know what it's like when you have that kip and you say it's filler that's it filler that's how you darven nobody else knows how to daven and you know it's like when you don't daven out of a needy space you look at the child you do that hard avoider and you say hey bister i know you're supposed to be from and supposed to look this way and he doesn't look that way she doesn't look that way and that's someone the abrasive loves you love them hashem i look at my child and all i can see is love that's hard work that's that's the work that hashem says when you the work of a get when you had a space of fighting of division of derision of conflict hashem says okay let's move away from that space and now i'm going to move you into this space a space of love first mishna in getting what does it say let's talk about getting what should i start with when do you give a get how do you give a gift how do you write it get i want to start from a different place what when you told your friends the first time that you went or you told your parents right stop getting divorced what they say oh how do you give a gift how do you write them who do we go to which road do you go to what do we do no i hope they didn't say that their first question was a hurt a space of pain how did this happen the opening mission of kitten what is it ghett means there's a space called eretz israel and there's overseas outside of verity you want to know how i got to a get the answer is because i wasn't living in this place called eretz israel eritrea is a state of mind the state of israel it's being in a space of being connected to hashem and what happens is i may be getting dina sayon it happens because we live in oil hazard this world is almost a sheker it's a world of lies of deceit it's a painful world and when you experience when you detach from the habister as you get further and further away that's where gittin happened once upon a time we lived in a basement there was no strife people felt connected and as we get every generation right 100 years ago it wasn't as bad as it is today the further we are from the original point the more strife there is the more difficult the more challenging it is so the opening mission is you're in madina sayam that's how we got to a get but you should know that the guy bringing the get to you is a of the husband the bao is hashem hashem is sending every jew a message he's saying when i'm sending you this it's my coming in and what i want you to do is to stop looking at life as painful and hurtful and destroying you and out to get you but rather life is there to elevate you and to raise you and to bring you to a space that you never knew existed before it's to make you better no we don't look for ways to become better brings it upon us and when he does instead of instead of fighting it if hashem brought you to a space that the get happened already and there's nothing done it was done now comes the argument of shama healer on rabbi akiva the question is at what point you should stay hilo says if you feel that your avoider in this world is too difficult i get you then you're allowed to leave they're not saying you should leave as long as like is when you should leave it's saying you got divorced it happened it's acceptable i understand you if it's says never never and opposite extreme what does your keeper say if someone says i don't know what to do i can't take it i i don't know i know i'm supposed to be married i can't i don't know how to do this because i have instagram and i keep on seeing what everyone else has and i keep on getting jealous and i'm stuck what should i do so i want to be here but i'm not do you see that this is the same thing that our kips tell us when they get divorced not in the natural sense and when they get divorced from from yiddish kite he says i know i'm not supposed to but what should i do i don't feel it and you say tarnished and he says but the world out there is shannara it's more beautiful it beckons to me what do i do never get divorced but when you did when are you able to empathize with someone the mizbeh gets down and on the garage is not screaming at you he's crying with you i understand you i get you i appreciate you i get who you are and what you want to do is get on the ground with our kids who are going through difficult situations and share them the message rabbi akiva said that mozarches is still valid if you're asking me if you should leave if your kid comes in and says listen do you think i should like go off to there what do you think i should do should i you know when you should leave you this guy if if you have a real problem if it's mama's infidel impossible then you can leave other than that never leave but if a kid comes to you and says i cannot take it it's too much for me then you go for abhi akiva halakha like basil you know what arabic did he have 24 000 students do you know how big vmg is it's i think it's the biggest maybe mirror is bigger i don't know bmg has you know what the number is i checked it out what i think it's all the basement or they have eight and a half thousand tell me they're learning eight and a half thousand rabbi akira had 24 000 students three times the size of lakewood those were his students he was the only rosh of shiva and he built this up took him 24 years and he built it up he became the greatest russia shiva of all history and then they got corona yes and then there was a mageifa and they all died every single one of them was gone want to talk about a divorce rabbi akiva must have felt that the abstract divorced him he doesn't want me i had 24 000 students and i have nothing left how would you feel if you got that bill of divorce that get from everybody in the shalom like revenge time i started at 40 years old i worked my way up i was like i drip drip drip to the the the terrier coming down the water i worked so hard what did i get to i got to have 24 000 students and this is what you do to me you kill the ball can you imagine a cable would go he must have had hundreds of vate madras all these bmgs each one's got 150 students he was going from one to the next to the next to the next teaching all day long you know what happened afterwards how many students did he have so in other words he found himself a little tish in some base mattress some steeple and he sat down with five guys at the table and started learning terror okay what should i do if i would have been your beginner i would have been so depressed i was at five students you send me five students what do you think i am i'm rebbi akiva i'm supposed to have 24 000 students that's what i get five students for everything i've had did you see the correlation i used to have a beautiful shabbos table i used to have so much going on [Music] and now i've got to keep sitting at my table and i'm the luckiest in the world if you actually came down to the table and oh convey what she was wearing when she came down fellas she stayed up i used to have a marriage just have a family and now i feel like i'm ousted i have nothing i can find myself on a shabbos alone trying to figure where am i going for shabbos over here when before i used to have kids around my table used to have a table full of terra and mitsubis abi akiva felt the same way 24 000 students reduced to nothing reduced to five a little stable read his own words so he gave some empathy you're allowed to get divorced hashem decided to kick me out so i'm out what did he do he invested the 24 000 coist that he had into five students if you can teach twenty four thousand you teach five and you give the same power of twenty four thousand to five he produced rap shimon biasi a blessing beforehand he was a big rosh of shiva but he wasn't the master of the entire oral torah as a result of what he put into those five students they were pretty impressed with the five students robbie may pretty impressive he's one of the five the 24 000 were great but the 24 000 were invested all the energy into five students and those five students became nuclear energy nuclear power because abechiva realized that if the abstract sends me out of that avoidance into this avoider what he wants is he's empowering me he's giving me kayak how do we take it from from theory into practice so now you're gonna walk out and say okay so i heard basically that it's a good thing that i got divorced right how amazing it's a good thing that i have a kip that'll last for a few seconds and then you're going to go right back to what you are how do we actually pull down this energy how do you pull down the energy i want to share with you a little story this is a story whereby something happened and i push it for the first time in my life i said to myself i said for real i wish i were a single parent kid i never thought i would say that so i went to someone's house a guy is a very successful belabos doing very well bar hashem they're able to shout him with wealth and everything and and a beautiful family everything he needs a miracle from hashem i sat down with him and he says i want to tell you the real story of what happened with me he says so my parents got divorced when i was young and this is back in the previous generation not that long ago he says yeah um home so um i was once learning the laning and um i got the crop wrong i was preparing for my bar mitzvah i got the truck wrong what happens if you get the truck wrong i was learning with my father what do you do to your child if you get the chop wrong he said i can't forget the moment i was leaning and i got the tune of the laning wrong instead of leaning hashem i said hashem my father sat there and he was so angry at me poor guy probably had so much anger from his divorce and from everything going on in his life and now i was sitting there and something happened talk about triggers he was triggered and he sat there and you know it was still okay in those days he didn't go to prison for doing it nowadays don't try this and my father took me and he slapped me across the face like i slapped and the slap it was a ringing powerful slap it was so hard he snapped me on my cheek and i fell down on the ground i fell on the floor and i was on the ground i was in such pain and such agony and i said okay you know what most people would have done in that position if you try that today you know what happened that's how you make tips if you want to make a good one that's how you make it some people somehow when they have adversity they grow they become heroes and other people when they have adversity they become victims he said i'm lying on the ground it was the most defining moment in my life and i made a decision i'm 12 years old and i made a decision i will never succumb i can't hit you back and you're probably in pain do whatever you want will get up he says i got up i looked at my father i didn't say a word inside my brain i said hit me again i can take it fast forward i'm 19 years old new york city had at that time a um a a program program was that they were changing toilets toilets were given six gallons of water so they changed six gallons they wanted to be 1.5 gallons so they were paying to anyone who's willing to switch their toilet from a 6 gallon to 1.5 gallon most people what do they do when they hear that they're like okay either i will switch or i won't switch like for example now new york city has a thing going on that you could get the heating in your house for you all free they'll change your whole healing in your house to split units me i heard about it i said okay no thanks i'm not on the moon this guy heard about it you know what he did he heard about it and he said um so if i basically find a plumber to go into a building and go do it he figured out what the math is to do it says you know what 95 to change i realized that all the expenses i could make 35 all together after expenses on every toilet within three months and 19 year old kid he says i have 16 trucks going around to all the buildings in new york city changing toilets i got married at 19. my wife was with me me and my wife together and we're working on toilets and we're changing we're working on making money we're making big money it's amazing guilt so one day this guy comes in mr burko dave berko he walks inside he's an old man he's an 80 80 year old man and he comes in and he says to me he says i got a building you change my toilets there's leaks there's leaks in the toilet this guy every single day he would come tell me about the leaks and every single day this leaking that leaking wants to change once the shift just change that and i said i don't know what to do so i sent him to my wife she was dealing with all the leaks i said why mr burker why don't you make a phone call he said the phone call costs a dime in those days to make a call it was better for him i mean nothing would do with his time to come over there he's a schlepper he looked like an absolute homeless guy except you owned two buildings because he got some euros so the guy comes in and every time sends to my wife meantime there's leaks in all the toilets all the buildings is crazy leaks and i realized that i wasn't making any money i was going to lose a ton of cash because all toilets are leaking and it's costing me a ton of money and i'm going to cost 50 dollars on each toyota fix and i'm going to lose all the money i had so i decided let's be smart does it cop what am i going to do american standard makes toilets i call the american standards i'm going to buy every single toilet that you sell to new york city this whole year i'm going to buy all your stock and that way i'll make a lot of money because now i can make the toilet so i called them up and i said would you like to they said yes as long as you show us that you have one million dollars available to buy it we'll do it for you you have two weeks to come up with the money two weeks i'm trying to find finally i found i'm 19 years old he says i find this guy who says i'll give you the money i'm sitting on the phone it's the last day tomorrow i have to give the money mr birkel walks in he hears me on the phone and i'm screaming expletives cursing this guy on the other line because he's not giving me the money his dave berko looks at me and he says um i see there's problems what's the issue i said hey there go to my wife talked about the leaks or whatever come on you know leave me alone schlapper that you are. that's real stuff from me i finished the call dave said to me i see you need a million dollars you said he says here's my business card call tomorrow i want you to call my uh my bank whatever and you'll get the million dollars i took the card i said schlapper you're making a joke of me i ripped it into threw in the garbage the next day i had no money and i was depressed beyond depression my wife says to me didn't dave said he'd give you the money why don't you call the guy i said crazy she says why'd you have to lose i saw the bank i called up the bank the guy says oh mr burko says he'll give you the money i said what said yeah okay why are me the money now a million dollars so no no you have to come get it why because the wire million dollars cost forty dollars he doesn't want to spend 40 dollars just to wire the money but if you come he'll give it to you i went to the bank the guy wrote me a check of a million dollars i had the money and afterwards as a result of that he says the next within three months mr burko had half a million dollars profit and i had half a million profit and i knew that i could do anything and as a result of that and hashem helped me a lot of practice i made a ton of money i asked this guy i said could you explain to me why you had such kayak he says you know why the slap of my father across the face some people when they get a slap across the face they fall victim and other people get a slap across the face and they say i will never succumb i can do anything i can achieve you can never win i will be able to endure anything and at that moment literally for that moment i said to myself wow i should have been a single parent kid maybe i would have fought in that kind of manner i'm too i'm thinking about am i making twenty dollars an hour twenty five dollars an hour oh a hundred dollars an hour wow and this guy's like there's no limit he's as daring as he could ever get you know who built america all the meshuggaher wouldn't stay in europe all the you would come up that's who built it who stayed after the holocaust all those who were not many people died even though they were but if you officially survived you were a survivor we jews are about being survivors oh it's very nice to have a nice family and a nice everything in the way you wanted to be absolutely but when the abrister throws you a curve ball in life and when it looks like there's only hatred and strife happening in your life what's really going on is a message of love and here's what we do about this practically we feel the love so i'm going to walk out of this i'm going to say okay i'm feeling terrible today we often get those feelings especially a person who's undergone a divorce and has a kip not so dirty can have a very negative energy come down very sad when you feel that energy allow yourself to feel the feeling and then say i feel the feeling i wrote it down i felt the pain and then i say step two the mizbayach is crying with me and misbehave is saying i will never give up on you because when it looks like you're finished and your toast and your history yes you can you can just get to a deeper level of you describe that you never dreamed was possible yes you can you have the power to get to a level you never dreamed possible and then i'm going to sit down there and i'm going to feel the love of hashem try this out after you feel the pain let yourself feel the pain recognize that hashem says the misbehave is crying with you and then feel hashem is telling me he's sending me a message and he's saying this negativity this get that i've experienced is actually a mitzvah there i said and the yet sahara is going to say to you loser that you are you're trying to say that a ghetto is a good thing then you'll say but the abyss just says that it's a mitzvah in the torah and the abrasive says that all i did to you was i shifted you from one avoider to a whole new avoider to a whole way and brand new way of thinking yes you can yes you have the power no you wouldn't have chosen this path no you wouldn't have decided to have a kip but you do and the ability says feel the love allow yourself to feel the love ignore and delete what the whole world says and what you'll discover is that the erapist means horus the misbehave stop crying when will the mizbeh stop crying when we start realizing the powers that we have and if i can change who i am and i can look at my kid in a positive light i feel the power of god inside me i feel the power of the abstract inside my child my child will change because i changed because i feel like a whole different person and it's something we've got to keep on doing because they'll keep on falling and we'll keep on falling into that negativity but know that all the greatest of the great of the jewish people were born from kane bakuider they are the rabbi yakiva students who come about the five students after the 24 000 were gone when he vested his greatest powers in them and the only reason there was a guest because i was in medina and the moment i switched back to being in a state of eretz israel in a place of verity soul then and these are the final words of gitin then the mizbayach which is crying will cease to cry because hashem sent us out to goddess and the goddess is not a goddess it's just a place to get closer to him and to yearn for him and when we realize that that is a safer crisis is not a safer crisis then the power of hashem comes into us and we experience a ula practice a personal googler a transformation of hashem's power and slowly but surely the whole world will get it and that's agula clawless yeshivas that are so the question is how do you deal with a yeshiva which is still kicking out your child and still looking at you negatively because just because you're divorced basically yeah right so the first thing before anything happens is to not go into a negative space from what they say don't absolutes just like just absolute bias and judgmentalism at its peak right there's no reason for it even if you switch how you think that's what i'm saying to you about this kid he was born into a dysfunctional situation today he says to me i was kicked out of all these shivers all these chefs are coming to me now for money and they come and they come to me and i'm this kid if i change the space that i am everything else changes around me the first thing to change before anything is the space that you're in which we discussed over here and once you change that then you'll decide if that yeshiva which doesn't want your kid as a right yeshiva because it might very well be that's the wrong place for your kid [Music] what that's true we do anymore understanding your shivers and more caring what that's a problem i like homeschooling you can do it online today you can learn go into so there's plenty websites they can learn there and they can figure out how to do it with uh use the power of the internet to your benefit