Lawrence Hajioff - Habits of Successful Daters (Zoom)

[Music] ba-bye says my wife's foot hurts us can you hear it's not her foot my foot it's our foot and our foot is hurting us that my friends is Becerra fat that's we're gonna want to get to while we're dating what we try to do is establish the person who can be our Ezzor connector that's the beginning right that's the goal post on one end and our bus are a hard-r one flesh by the other that is what we're looking for over there for someone who's fun yeah good-looking it helps I'm not gonna lie to you you need someone you are attracted to me he's gonna have to wake up every morning for many many years see that face that pudding him looking at you and you gotta say mode I'm in the for never thank you God for wake me up this morning you gotta look at that face I'm not gonna lie but it can't just be that if that's all it is my friends if it's the person that's most fun and let's be honest I have had the honor of performing maybe 150 weddings at this point right and all of them have challenges in the first year tion reshawna they have challenges in there's no doubt about it right it takes hard work there's many myths lots about the first year of marriage it's not that about it shana reshawna and all of them has struggled and all in that difficulties and they tear my like rabid understands when we first met if it was amazing you suck you as a lovely and she was so nice and he used to open the door and now the socks are on the floor underwear stuck in the sink right and he's drooling nor the night and all the unfortunate noise he's making in it so that's what you're looking for who's the person because eventually the looks are important but they take a less importance you know and the fun is good but it's not all fun and the intimacy is important right emotional and other intimacy but to most your life is are we creating something together are we in this business together and let's be honest most marriages fail 50% or more of marriages fail in the United States today so how did look if you gotta get I mean I've never at any one standard and a hopper with me say like rabbi we Mon this marriage to last for one year and then Diana oh why do you marriage is all we need that's it I ain't know none of us says that measure that Papa right and your wife leans over and says this will be done in 12 months not a good sign we all think we need to stay married for months and years right so how we gonna maximize our chances of success and most people just jump in don't they most will just get marry without thinking about it now you would do that with a job right you go to college you prepare for your career if you want to work in an industry a lawyer doctor it takes time for path this takes time to prepare as well your life actually is divided into two parts p.m. and a.m. pre marriage and after marriage and everything you're doing until the study under the chuppah is there to prepare you for that moment and everything that happens afterwards I myself ii i mean everything every irritation every struggle every challenge you name it was there to prepare you for that marriage and then afterwards is that to maintain it like wishes by the way just as hard if not harder and that's your life I know most you divide your life by before college after college before law school after law school before my first million has my first million but that's not the real division of life the real division of life is pre and after marriage that's the crease that actually folds your life together everything goes into it and then examines after it's okay with that 20 min introduction after that I've got many more things to tell you but I'll keep going until they pull me off zoom let's look at some some habits when it comes to to dating so I'm gonna start with finding common goals that's what you were you're looking for there was a Gallup poll a few years ago and they wanted to figure out what was the reason that people ended up getting divorced what was the what was the main factor and only 5% said physical abuse 10% said arguments of a money family or children by the way money is something which is own topic you can have a whole discussion just on money and relationships of the later takes a long time a long time to figure out money and finances and Shalom buy it when it comes to money boggle you know the secret to Shalom buy it my wife asked me to something I buy it we have Shalom that's a good joke to help you appreciate today I'll be here all night enjoy the chicken 17% say infidelity 16% because of alcohol or drug abuse 47% attributed their divorces to incompatibility what does that mean you need to have the same vision where are we going what what are we doing this for what am I getting married anyway what is my goal we don't want to see myself in five years in ten years people don't discuss these questions if they do it's very very late to the relationship very very late these stuff needs to be discussed early listen if you're 17 18 and dating for fun these questions aren't important I'm talking to the people who are thinking in their 20s 30s 40s 50s by the way age over here is a number I deal with people in their 40s who have the emotional stability when it comes to relationships of a 22 year old and I deal with guys and girls who are 19 20 who are mature and just kind of get it you know maybe the bull with it maybe it comes with their family but it's a learning skill marriage and the daily that takes you into that realm is a learning skill you can learn how to do it right there's things you do and there's things you don't do there's a great report over here you won't believe this maybe you will it came from Reuters like she put in my book and said that what's happened on fortune in our day and age is that people are dragging their feet on getting married the average age of marriage may be 40 years ago was I think 24 25 and now it's 28 29 for a girl and we know for a lot of men right unless they're in the Orthodox world 30 31 32 it even in that world as well people are pushing it off and they unfortunately describe most dating relationships as a quasi wife or quasi husband not so most people are in I'm kind of like I'm kind of married but I'm not really married I'm in a relationship and we just go on and on and on and I if I tell you how many emails and calls I get people like we're dating for two years we're not ready maybe wait a third year it just goes on and on right let me ask you this let me ask you this would you have a dream of going into your friends wallet or pocketbook and taking money out we ever dream of breaking into a close friend's house stealing things from their home taking the television their flatscreen their iPhone and selling it you would never do that you would never steal from a friend you know what Judaism considers more important the things than objects than money you know the answer time time stealing time is worse than stealing things because things can be returned the time cannot and therefore this dating experience that we're seeing today we're opening we've all been involved in unfortunately dating for months and years I mean I know people take four or five six nine years this is insanity you can crunch it down it's unfair you're stealing people's time right we have to at some point jump in and we learn this from a very interesting episode in the Torah which on the face of it has nothing to do with dating whatsoever it's the splitting of the Red Sea we know the water the Red Sea was in front of the Jewish people and behind the Jewish people were the Egyptians so imagine seven days after leaving Egypt we have the Jeff she's behind us right to kill us and in front of us we have the Red Sea and we were trapped as far as we're concerned we were all going to die says the Torah you know what marriage finding a marriage partner and getting married and being married is like that moment of being trapped being trapped at the Red Sea why because they're gonna be points in your relationship where you're gonna feel trapped whether you're dating or your marriage and it's not the yumps of the Red Sea in front of you it's your parents and it's not the Egyptians behind you it's your in-laws you know what I'm talking about and what happens how did the sea split so if you watch the movie read the book it's better we know that Moses put his staff out and a wind came that would be blown all night and split the sea the Gomera tells us the Talmud tells us actually or something else that happened there was a great Jew a prince of the tribe movie hood of Judah his name was not shown Ben I mean Adama and you know what he did he walked into the water before anybody else and the water went up to his ankles and his knees and his waist after his throat and has covered his mouth and his nuts cover his nose then the snap went out to sea split we all went through we all got saved that's a the rabbi's is the secret to any good relationship at some point you can pray which we're gonna talk about it's important thing to do but at some point you just have to jump in and the sea split and at that point you need to have a good sense of humor because we deal with parents and in-laws as the old joke goes what's the difference tween in-laws and outlaws outlaws are wanted I'm only kidding I have wonderful in-laws thank God I think my mother-in-law's watching this class friends at some point you just have to jump in it takes courage finding compatibility and then at some point jump in people always ask me people always ask me how do you know what time is a good time I'm gonna give you actually a real timeframe and this is not every one but this is a good general time frame I'm talking about real serious emotional intimate dating when you're gonna get to know the person look just like hanging out and go to movies all Thai restaurants vacations like we're getting to know the person cuz I know people who take for months and years I don't know each other how do people who marry for years - don't know each other actually a good friend of ours got divorced she said I was mad for 15 years and never really knew him you hear that statement a lot they're being honest they never really got to know each other there was no emotional intimacy you know intimacy is intimacy equals into me you see intimacy is into me you see people willing to open themselves up become vulnerable that is not easy that's a very scary thing to do it takes time effort and sometimes usually a third party to coax that out of you and that is what we're trying to do we're trying to build that intimacy so that we're able to jump in and how long does that take they'll get too shocked don't jump out of the zoom or the Facebook life class six months six months you know six months I just have to get married to six months all right I mean I see them dude I'm gonna get Matt up to one month or one date okay that's not for us but six minutes be honest if you're honest with yourself you know by six months and if there's any red flags they appear and every divorce I've been involved in and counsel people with they always say there is no exception I saw red flags we were dating very early on but I ignore them because I was in love I was in love you know actually falling in love we get married is a day it just came to be I'll explain why let's talk about love a little bit cuz we're gonna be dating everyone was to fall in love what's Hebrew word for love what's the Hebrew word for love it's over Bava now for most people Arva is a cream being sold by Israelis in the most around New York and New Jersey well before it was a highly overpriced cream being sold by extremely pushy Israelis making a lot of money in the mold business it was a nineteen-year what is the idea of Arve the rabbi's tell us the weather have up has a sure if every Hebrew word has a shorter route that reveals the essence of the word and therefore the apd a-- actually hebrew is the only language where the word for a word and the word for a thing are the same as a davara dava okay a word and thing are the same so any word helps us understand what that thing is and love was no exception I'll give you guys another example actually was Hebrew word for a face is a Panem Panem is a face now the same lettuce Panem pay none your men also spell turn him inside so the word for a face is the same word for pin him in spite why would the word for a face be the same for the word inside my face isn't it's nice on the outside well how do you know how someone's doing you know look at their hand alright or then the other foot look at her face look at passive face you know how they're dealing inside if I walk in like this you know I'm happy if I walk in like this you know I'm sad my Panem reflects my pin in your face reflects your insides let's be honest let's be honest with each other hey dude I met a guy or a girl and thought wow they are so beautiful look at that girl she is gorgeous she's so pretty or a guy oh he's so good-looking and then you get to know them a little bit you get to know their opinion their insights and they're not nice people actually they're downright awful and actually their face changes the Panem reflects on upon him and they become ugly you've experienced that before or the other way around you meet some girl thing oh she's so ugly look at that guy oh my god come look at him but a bag on his head and then you get to know them you get to know their pin in and they're really nice people and it shines on her face and they actually become better looking their face changes they've become better looking my wife says when she first met me okay never mind her name is by the way the word for face is from the Latin word I think it's Latin facade pure exterior it's not for us how do I know this is true the Hebrew words are revealing it to me okay yeah the dog is a caliph Colette all harp man's best friend every this world can be brought down to the blueprint of the Hebrew letters that are assigned to it another class not for now I'm magic as the Hebrew word is I have up the word I have that doesn't just mean love and means help to give the more you give the more you love therefore while you're dating what you're really looking for besides good looks and a nice career and all the other stuff that we're obsessed with which are important I'm not gonna put them away you're looking for someone who was a giver and how did can you tell that well what are they like while you're dating are they respectful too they give you time are they do they talk nicely about other people are they giving to you do they have patience how do they deal with a waiter or waitress how do they treat the guy or the girl in the parking lot right you know the guy who gave her the tickets and you like here's my ticket and then a guy comes after you and gives that ticket and they get that car first and the guy who girly would say hey how is it first thing 1 seconds maybe your car was parked behind all these are indicators all these are indicators of you the future person you're with is going to be you cannot change the person you're going to be you can only change yourself as we said you look at to become your as their connector and prove yourself that my friends is what we're looking for so we're looking to become givers who is a great giver because in the end I mean let's be honest what is relationship and marriage in the end it's just free giving no one's gonna pay to have the garbage no is gonna pay you to change a diaper no sort of change you take care of your kids it's all voluntary work and therefore you want to establish whether the person you're with is someone who is a giver or a taker now we all give sometimes we'll take we try to figure out the essence of the person and that's why I tell everyone one of the best things you should do why do you update or whatever single person everyone should one hour of voluntary work a week and if not one hour half an hour or ten minutes but it's a given the week is not gonna pass without me doing a little bit of voluntary work not page just selfless giving because eventually all the hours of all your days are gonna be full of it so you're gonna flex that muscle as early as possible a great habit of a successful data is looking for someone who is a giver and that is something you can see are they selfish or they take her as they give her that's the secret to offer the secrets of love let's go back to a couple for just one minute with that information on board now man we started this discussion with a couple and I was counseling them and she wanted to get married within a year or so and he was looking for five years and then I said if you're to breakup right now how upset would you be and she said ten out of ten and he said I'd only be six out of ten if we broke up right now and when you heard that you thought what a terrible guy he's not terrible what does that show me what does that teach so what it teaches me the guy had been given and had been giving but not as much as her he'd been an invested in the relationship but only six out of ten she had been invested ten out of ten he was only invested six up - nothing wrong with that it's just a reality there's always gonna be a give-and-take so when he said that that fella break him right now be kind of upset but not only upset he was just revealing to me and more important to her that she had given a lot more to the relationship which is why when they broke up which eventually did I mean of course they broke up got back together again in out in out shake it all about you know they went through the break-up and then stalking on Facebook social media and unfriending the reef rending and they got together again eventually broke up cause by the way what happened to that couple she ended up getting married very soon after very soon after she got married thank God it's just two kids now and he's living with his girlfriend so I think they both got what they wanted in the end give up or take her that's the essence that's what we're looking for cuz in the end it's all volunteer work there's a couple of challenges we have though I don't how long I have over here Sarah B or Esther or probably you table - okay we're good okay few more ideas now I'll let you go to your quiz this evening or the rest of your evenings we do have a challenge which we have 2020 which our ancestors our parents and definitely our grandparents did not have and what's that what's that we have a disease today and the disease is called T M C is there very carefully T M C what does TMC stand for too much choice too much choice you see our grandparents or great-grandparents back in the shtetl in europe or back in the old city or town and Syria i Ragnar where we're from it was always the same how did you get married well first of all you were young I mean really young your parents said there's a nice girl over there there's a nice guy over there we think you should get married now they couldn't force you could that's against on the farm but that's the way it was right any kind and if you were really an impressive person but we're rich family you got to choose someone from the next town right the next time but abroad another country forgot that you were stuck you were limited now 2020 Prix Corona with 2020 what are we dealing with TMC so much choice they did a great experiment they did a great experiment in a supermarket you know get a Costco I was like free food samples they always have and people like get obsessed with that a free cookie oh my god this is the best thing ever right and all the Jewish people's grab a cookie and they walk around the aisle come back for a second I see before no no it's my twin brother right second cookie Turkey get whoo-whoo-whoo right it did an experiment with a jam you can look this up I put this in my book with Jam they put out 30 different types of jam of jelly you know and people could try it and they found that like eight of some of the people who walked past these thirty jams or jellies tasted them but only like five or ten percent ended up buying the next day they reduce the amount of 30 jams to like seven to seven or six gems and they found that very few people stopped to try from that selection but whoever did stop and try the jam or jelly 80% bought the matter people who bought was much higher much higher when the selection was low this is one of the challenges we have with so much selection and this is just the way it is I don't have too much to say about it but at least we need to be aware we need to be aware oh we are dealing with when it comes to the amount of selection that we have but there is something we can do and I speak a lot about this people get upset with me but my friends I'm not PC I'm AC I'm not pleased he correct I'm absolutely correct this multiple dating disease has got to stop first of all it's cruel but second of all it's not even good for you for your own mental health right people I mean who you dating I'm not dating I'm seeing a few people like I don't even know what that means when you seeing a few people actually now I do know what it means I'm not gonna say it in public you know what it means but it's not healthy it's not fair right this multiple dating where you got two three four five girls or guys right on rotation until one comes out it's not fair to them because as far as they're concerned they're the only one but it's also not good for you you need to have one and focus on it let me sound like this this may sound insane to you but just go with me you find that one person and you date them that is the person you are going to marry until you break up or get married say that again the person you're dating in your mind is I marry this person most of that was a good night like I'm gonna marry this person until you know I'm not going to oh you end up under the hopper it's gonna be one of the other that we know for sure and that's the way to be because this constant distraction of guys and girls on Facebook Instagram and ticked I might not be thrown at us it's discombobulating need a focus pick one person and remove yourself and remove yourself from all these other people until you're able to just focus on this one one individual another tip now the tip just so kind of great habit I had a friend of mine who was dating a girl he was very young he was like 19 20 but it was a serious guy and during the date he thought it went very well he spoke to the girl who set them up after the date and she's like she she doesn't want to see you again so why not it was a great date went really really well I really want to see her again sue says well she got very embarrassed during a date say why because well at some point she fell down and tripped and a skirt jumped up a little bit and she got some Paris she can't see you again it's like oh my god it was like nothing what's the big deal she's like no no she felt so embarrassed she'd rather not beat you again and they both carry on dating and he went their separate ways this guy was in his late 30s late thirties and he dated like every Jewish girl he could imagine tons of them he was on a team with a girl and he was talking to her and it was schmoozing and they were getting on great had a lot in common you know and he's like wow I wish I would have met you a long time ago and she's like yeah and they were talking more and then she's like you know you look familiar to me and he's like really is yeah she goes you know many years ago when on the date and I fell if I got very very embarrassed I'm asked and he's like that was me that was me and they met up and within like four or five dates I got a they knew and they got him back they got engaged and they got married and I tell you this or for number of reasons first of all look timing is everything and sometimes of timings above us could they've got married in 1920 I don't know I'm not God Hashem is a time for everything as it's time to be single time to get married also I know many people who get married young in a sarong j'adore can we get married in the late 30s and it's the right sugar I have very close family members who had to wait and Baraka Shem it comes it's a Shems time we don't know when yours if oak could actually arrive you gotta have faith gonna have to muna and bit the hot and trust that the right person is gonna come at the right time just because you think you found your soulmate doesn't mean you're guaranteed to have a successful marriage say that again just because you found your soulmate oh my god we have so much in common right we have friends in common and we both on a vacation at the same place and your dog is the same name is my dog and we have the same psychiatrist who would have thought is just amazing we're meant to me it's not a guarantee for success if you don't put in the effort you don't put in the giving you don't jump into the young self it's not gonna work all right we learned some SF a thug was meant to marry Leia that was his Bashara T's evoke his soul mate was Leia think about that Yakov was meant to marry Raquel to assist two other brothers what happened will happen actually some say Russell Ariyoshi twins just like Yakov an ace of whoa what happened Asaph said no she made me my my sleeve it might be shirt but I want to marry out of the faith and leave the family and get out terrible decision which is why Jacob Yakov end up having to marry two sisters which is not something we're allowed to do now this is before the tour is given so it was permitted right but since then not allowed actually it was so taboo that even Yakov could I be merit buried with one wife with Leia and rock I'll have to be buried elsewhere people would say Wow Jacob Merritt sisters unusual yeah you don't know yours evil gifts and if you did find yours if ugh it still takes incredible incredible work to find that clarity okay let's summarize everything you said and then we'll finish because for a long time turn off right rabbi Diana number one find common goals find someone you have something compatible with right what's my vision where I want to be and the way to do that is to get to know each other with questions there's group dating disease and hanging out stalking enough and virtual dating is good to maintain a relationship but not to attain it okay this social not social media virtual date with a phone or zoo I mean now we're kind of stuck right long-distance relationships you can maintain something but you're not gonna attain and create a relationship that way it's not gonna move forward you're looking for your bus or a card how do you get to that point then is there connect oh right being your as their connector coming against you okay you're there in relationship to improve yourself that's what we're looking for that's the ultimate goal the person's can help me become me that is what we're looking for work on yourself not on your part not on your partner we said TMC too much choice narrow it down okay when you're dating someone try to remove yourself as much as possible from every other option some side got a great girl for you like hold on if this thing doesn't work and come back to you right now I may have found the one even if it's you're not so sure by the way always give it a second date if you can if you can all right the reason you go out the first time is so the second time isn't the first time first time dates aren't so amazing people embarrass and stupid blah blah blah say silly things give it a second chance if you can and what's love bigger giver okay I've spoken for a long time my friends hope you've all enjoyed it I'm gonna put my email in the chat if you want the notes from this talk you're more than willing to see it or find my Facebook page rabbi Lawrence had you off in this class will be this you can go through it again and show it to your boyfriend's your girlfriend's to see you see you may be doing for me this is what you have to be okay it's a pleasure thank you Sarah B and Esther I'm a Ruttenberg for allowing me to be on this zoom call with all of you I would you pull last thing of finding yours if org your soulmate very very soon thank you yes that was unbelievable amazing um okay I see can you explain to all of us exactly what we're gonna do I just wanna tell everybody with the game don't leave because you're gonna play the game the game the first prize is going to be $75 Amazon gift cards second prize would be $50 Amazon gift card the third prize winner is gonna be $25 Amazon gift card and everyone on the chat right now is going in a raffle and you will get two dollars to whoever wins um welcome rebetiko who just joined us um so just please make sure s to everybody has to put their name right for ya okay yeah switch their names because a lot of people have just iPhone or EB or galaxy if you could switch to your names that way we'll know who you were so when you win the prize we could give it to you like lupa anyone that just has like their name and no last name put your name and last name so that we could give you the gift when you win um as you can you explain to us exactly what we should be doing hey guys I'm Esther I'm gonna be sending a link on me Chad and everyone's in she's link it's not a quiz it's like a game forum are kind of feel um I hope you get a lot of laughing giggles basically they're going to be questions and they're gonna be multiple choice answers you're gonna have 30 seconds to answer that whoever basically it goes from 30 seconds and counts down so that's fast so your answer the more points you get so like don't like think like today quickly choose an answer you'll get more points trust me and say I played this game in like if you get it if you're faster you can get things wrong you'll forget multiple so speeds whether it's good Wi-Fi you're good basically there are 15 questions and they're not hard to remember from one rubbage head you spoke about and allow them are just like fun and like funny and like whatnot does you want to date what you do one of these like certain things we all know so like I'm gonna share the link and everyone's gonna press it and put in all your correct name to the link on so that I see the ranking like when I see you're like who's one I can actually see your name nicely I don't know like SSS really so-and-so or something amazing Esther so actually magic is still on all and he could take a few a few questions before we start the game the game will start by 9 so that's just in a few minutes rabbi hi Jeff you here yes yes yes I don't go to my fair I'm here all night right thought you have to go that's why I didn't ask about questions does anyone have a question for a rabbi you can unmute yourself or private message me a question and I can ask him so right now they have like virtual dating like sort of long-distance correct even though if we speak to each other like every day getting to know each other like commonality and we can't see each other because we're stuck in one country to another country what's the best what's another approach for it yeah I know I hear these are unusual circumstances I gave a whole talk just on virtual dating Ashley I'll give you my opinions in my opinion you gotta do what you gotta do in other words you got to meet people and you've got to dating ask me live cuz Frank meeting is a real thing you gotta be marriage isn't this this virtual thing but I understand the situation we're in and if you got to do the kind of people that doing speed-dating via zoo and getting to know each other you got to do we got to do you've got to meet up as soon as possible if you don't think it's chance to medium in a couple of months don't do it if there's a good chance in the next few weeks you be able to meet up you've got to meet up live yourself real relationship in this form but I understand you wanna at least get something what you should not do a dangerous game to play is to and I've seen some people make this mistake keep doing this social media virtual dating thing and then water chopper whatsapp each other like five times a day and text each other rants and voice messages without even knowing each other day after day you're building a fake relationship and excuse the word but I don't just mean this physically you're building like a fantasy who that person is okay I understand the concept but where he lives right now the border is not open no just like there's no voice no in France he's no flights I understand so it's okay to at least build up some connection okay but don't overdo it yeah do it because someone's to come along and take it from you or it could take a long time so just don't overdo it put down seeds you know what just you can you have to know each other by the way when the border opens again we should continue this do not be like everyday bombard each other with photos and questions and stuff it's not healthy it's not perfectly okay I got a question yeah um what is the typical like how much do you have to know the person or how long does it take for one person to actually date one in order to get married or an order tab in order to be ready for marriage exactly even it's a great question I get I get asked this much more than thing else the answer is you ask anyone who's been married a long time in a good marriage I'm putting five ten fifteen years and say did you know each other of the Hopa I figure marriage I'm like no now I know them there's no correlation and it sounds crazy between long day to enjoy a good marriage if that was true we're all day for five years and get them out of the five years because that's a solution you know that's not true right there is no you want to establish certain basic facts there's certain questions you want answered you're looking for me don't character characteristics of which there's a number of questions I put them in my book you can find them online I'll send them to you if you want of things to get to know each other if you are a mature self-aware person who is emotionally open six months is plenty of time to really know the person after that that's all well and good right but that is plenty of time to really get to know someone well in Norris dating smarter sufficient more than that okay you've got a plan engagement and wedding and maybe gonna finish college and blah blah blah blah blah I understand but don't think if you date a year your marriage is gonna be better or two years that's a great man five years old that's the best one six months is plenty of time unless you're acidic and a couple of days will do it but you know I divorced a community as well unfortunately is also right so it's quality not quantity when it comes to dating don't drag it on you're wasting each other's time thank you so much rabbi you're welcome yeah guys that have alright can you when you have a question you could unmute yourself yeah all right so yeah I often run into guys that have commitment and I was just wondering whether you would be able to give me some red flags to look out for when it comes to that I have a list of red flags I'll send you this of red flags to look out for it depends on the person some people it's money some people is parents right you're a ghost I'll talk about guys I can pick up the girls too but let's pick on the guys right now a lot of guys and actually have a Reuters report on this over here are scared of getting married because if they get divorced they'll lose their money there's no fear among men when it comes to money and that takes that that's not solved one year under the hopper that's gonna take time months sometimes years dealing with parents a lot of boys and girls but a lot of boys I had she had a conversation someone today a principal of a school I'm not kidding you near my home we're dealing with the case of a girl and a guy who the guy is just connected to his parents that could never detach kid never detach the Torah itself says you to leave your parents cassavas image of the emo it's not easy all right all these boys have become mommy's boys right and they can't detach on that their parents these are red flags there's a lot of red flags but there's different types some of them are red flags that you pull and some can be worked on something you worked on you know some things good for counseling everyone neat everyone is eager for premarital counseling I don't care who you are on a girl your parents are like how rich they are a big rabbi counselors therapists makes a difference right ninety-nine percent have said if people need some kind of counseling and therapy before they should get married and a lot of things which you may think are red flags and deal-breakers or not it could just be bad traits that could be worked on right there's room for improvement I know so I hear you there are mice but you've got an you need an outside party to identify where there's a deal-breaker or just something that could be worked with but money I found isn't coming a big one unfortunately and by the way and I see money there's me poor people a lot of people are worth millions actually I'll post a few billionaires and they struggled hard in their marriages right I know people who don't have two pennies to rub together a fantastic marriages so having a lot of money isn't the solution to to a good marriage and you unmute yourself when you want to ask the question okay great I'm song ask the question what do you think of peanut Oh what the prenup a prenup okay um I have been asked a number of times to do them I'm okay with them I and it may sound a bit like well we're preparing for divorce and money afterwards if that's what the couple needs and that's gonna put them in a safe place and they both agree to it and that's the assumption then it is understandable and I long as it's fair I mean yeah I got to figure that out but I'm not against them I'm not against them I've got against the get prenup and I'm not against the the the financial one I know couples I did a wedding of a Russian girl to a guy actually you know what they would have been that rich I don't wanna did it they did a prenup and still very happily married but it's okay it's okay okay one last question you know how the constant lecture is everything my rabbis not a question it's not a question I just wanted to say hello and I miss you and I still remember it's been too long my friend it's a pleasure seeing you I still don't know when I was carrying your daughter in Israel 12 years ago time flies you can carry a now you were great much appreciated thank you yes sure sure what if the boy can commit yet but he's not willing to let go yet let go AHA yeah this is I mean that's the topic I spoke about the past hour this is a challenge this is a challenge what I have done many times is you put down a date there was a girl used to work with me and it was Shelley I speak about her publicly and she was dating she met they were working together met a guy called Rob was a rabbi and they just kept dating and daily daily and everyone you know who I ever knew lately married but they just couldn't commit for whatever reason and I the airport after finishing a trip with both them and I said so we're gonna do we're gonna put a line in the sand a line in the sand and you could pick six weeks two months three months and this is your date at this point you're either engaged or you break up and never see each other again now when I say Frank I mean Tony break up do that defriending on Facebook yup I know I said it right I thought a breakup you put a line in the sand and you stick with it it's the only way you got to put the fire in the feet you got to put a proverbial gun to his lower head and if you don't over this date we are done call us that's what you need to do you've got to put some tough love otherwise and I've said this so many times of couples and they've said no it can't be I say we're gonna be sitting here in one year's time having the same conversation come on rabbi it's not possible cuz I'm telling you if you don't put down a date now that you're gonna get engaged or break up you're gonna just keep going or not because it's comfortable it's comfortable just keep going and baby having a good time you've got to put it down so that's what needs to happen don't be scared to do it and make them sign a piece of paper and have a third party that's going to be there and making like a drug intervention thank you question I think we should start but I think this is a very broad and like hard question to answer but someone wanted to know if there if you could give a list of red flags you're sure I can well first of all shameless plug a lot of them can be found on my goodness you marry me is that backwards I think it is actually it's available on Amazon right or you can email me I said your copy all right it's a good book has a lot of information we discussed it's 20 years of dealing with this stuff but I have notes as well you can email me at the email I put down RL and rabbi Laurence calm but again I'll be happy to send you the notes and there's a is a list in there as well which I'm happy to share with you it is a mitzvah that's why I wrote lawr en but us by my name i'm ivan drunk yet oh I just have to one person from you sent to everyone sorry okay so B you can email me happy to solve it that send you the notes from this class I mean there's a lot we didn't cover because I need it like a few hours to that so much more to say but God willing I'll come back I'll be happy to answer more questions go much deeper into this topic with all of you okay now I gotta go love you all Shailaja are we ready for the first question everyone get ready and start okay what should you not say in a first date truthfully my mother made me go on the state bee have you ever weighed yourself see I don't like children D there's nothing like good food on a bad date or e all of the above which is you not say he all the above don't yell out the answer if you do yell out the answers we will erase you from the zoom players and 49 only answered is everyone getting there like just a bit how it works everyone cool good cuz I'll show the right answer now only 49 people answer it only 49 and guys only 86 of you thought 86% thought it was all the above 4% thought there's nothing like good food on a bad date so does that make it acceptable to ask how many wait yourself a singles group okay alright let's go number two which is one of the best ideas to take in a date hey have an open mind B it won't work out C he/she won't like me D he/she must impress me what is the best idea to come onto the date with what has what is the room like it is an answer is have an open mind guys a hundred percent you got that right oh wow way to redeem yourself everybody I think the pictures of the Cluedo ester okay let's see how they do it's getting harder okay we are ready how should one dress on a date it's false yob so the Dead Sea or the canary is it good question Esther are more people able to do the game right now are more people what I mean well you said only 49 key for something yes so we have 56 guys so you figured it out whoever was having trouble I'm glad you guys genius there's about sixty nine of us guys I hope you know that like you can click it on your phone even though the screen is showing it oh yeah you have to go through the app so click the link that Esther myself posted and just you don't have to be on the on the zoom app to hear us so you could do it from your Safari or Google or whatever yeah you don't have to see Robert kegels beautiful face like you could just go on me on the app bang you're fine I can't believe I'm competing with the game okay ready angles okay hold on I got an insurer we're ready for question 4 okay how should one dress on a date pajamas swimwear tux or ball gown dress t casual untied tie look I someone said tux our blog [Laughter] sorry has anyone saw sup who was born in sex or ballgown on the first date no I guess nobody else cause up well if you're before again you could wear one and come with flowers to the front door huh you know what Touche it works okay 96% of years if you work up was that you use Bing funny okay by the way speed okay next date your your ex name your mom / dad's name his / her name or deep your siblings name I've been really happy about your answering skills okay a hundred percent of you got this right you says that's a trick question because me and you geez mom have the same name okay question number six okay one second okay according to the sport you may be someone like / your mother / father but Sir your or your doctor you're a mailman Mexico we got lots of Persian ice I translate because it's a Russian joke I don't know my name - all right wait for the people aren't Russian it's not funny see what questions are doing this funny because like if you don't know what the kid looks like in Russian and say they looks like the mailman right all right Esther just to get things liven up a little bit here and give the people some prism what what does the fourth place contestant have how many points does the fourth place contestant know when the fourth place in has 496 so if you guys have below that you gotta get like your finger tapping skills on I don't know what you got there you gotta exercise my finger index and and you feel above that keep it up yeah all right we're ready for questions seven okay what should you ask on a first date do you know how to cook and clean what are some random fun facts about you about their past relationships or how much money do you me I had to come up with that question cuz it was just I think well I got married I was unemployed so and my wife can cook pretty good okay okay for all that joining let me just send a link you could still join and have fun this is the link to the game just click the link and join the fun people are joining now what is this like a corn wedding we call the frame listen listen it's called Emmett hi I'm asking if you're joining now you're not mathematically eliminated because we do a raffle yeah however the rap requires some questions to be answered that's right okay rady and it's great to see you smiling alright here we go next hold on let me get to the question page what guideline for perky Abba can we utilize for a successful day the reward is in the propor what's the difficulty greet everyone with a pleasant disposition never talks to the opposite gender if not now aim aside oh I see and actually doesn't say never talks up as gender says just don't talk too much the lady's right so I was being tricky there okay okay guys answers be greet everyone with the pleasant disposition I hope everyone does that it's not now's the perfect time everybody please make sure you put your name and last name because there's a lot of iPhones and the iPhones you can go in the raffle to win to win because we won't know who you are as if you're still iPhone all you have to do is where it says participants click the participant click your click on your name and just change your name from iPhone to name a last name and s are you still drawing the raffle out from a hat sort of let's go to 21st century and I had it out of my phone but yes okay we're ready for the famous question number nine name is question number nine what ward for love in Hebrew word for love in Hebrews of us according to Rabbi hatch you off what else does that mean infatuation those two choke infatuation taking giving or doormat Niagara Falls is probably better not either not everyone was there alright I heard you have to speak you're not even listened not sure why okay okay you might still be in if you're fast okay here we go excellent Esther what is this sixth place person how many points is the sixth place present the next question so okay fine it would be a cringe-worthy if your date said this I've never dated someone less attractive than me before do you mind if I put your date on Facebook our date on Facebook live Can we FaceTime my mother I don't think I'm over my ex yet or all of the above yogi if Sarah the first no I asked I was wondering if you are the first date asked if you mind if I put our data Facebook live nobody took pictures using questionnaire she said I love her keeper do you wear one all the time okay dates at least okay okay all right here we go the next question Oh goal of dating in Judaism is experience more dating breakup marriage or practice sorry yeah did you put brackets in there experience more dating break up break up or marriage tell this your spouse's practice not your goal nobody goes that day and be like this everyone get that one right yeah hundred percent nice will fall this crowd I'm gonna get this kind of brother you should you should all get married this year a man okay next and the real wedding that is my everyone's gonna have what is what is the one must on a date smile 24/7 don't cross your arms don't have your phone out plan your whole future I realize I wasn't I should have made this question more to my audience because a lot of people are saying the wrong answer yeah guys what would an Ashkenazi girl say maybe I mean that's like every thing people said that smile 24/7 guys you don't have to smile 24/7 I do enjoy kinda cliche because nowadays everybody's on their phone and normally it's like smiling okay right now with three questions left where's the 10th place person holding ok the 10th place heard holding is at 905 points so if you guys are above that Wow alright so basically almost no one is mathematically eliminated okay let's go question 13 what doesn't a share it mean matchmaker soulmate Jewish Valentine's Day or dating matchmaker matchmaker make me image find me a catch I think we got a hundred percent of this one hmm is that type of crowd and the answer is soulmate then it burns where we a hundred percent for that we were not we're 87 percent all right well a lesson has been learned okay next what is a new way of dating that was introduced in the 23rd century that is very popular speed dating blind dates in everyday life or online dating but what he says speed dating for the 20th century in the 1990s that was possible meeting people and everyday life is totally stocking from yogi the answer is on line okay this is the last question and the last day probably not the last question because we do have a raffle question but the last answer okay okay I'm ready mm-hmm tension buildup last but not least mostly based on her past dates [Music] [Laughter] what should you not ask in the first date how much money do you make about his or her past relationships then we have this will give another chance the questions were slightly different the answers okay you seem great sir why are you saying oh that's not that sounds like a night like some cultures that's the right thing to say [Laughter] okay the answer was obvious and some some people thought that I guess it's permissible to say you seem great and working you're know that that's because that's what's it like that's what I would say Dada that's what Brahma says oh you seem so great why signal okay [Music] you