Eps 9. Stop Doubting Yourself: How to Know Your Strengths and Build Real Confidence

Welcome to Good Vibes, the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzzle, not as a shear, but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little to light you can carry with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy. And connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is good vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hello everyone and welcome back to the good vibes podcast. Okay, so today we're going to discuss puktess and I am really really passionate about this topic so I'm really excited to jump in here. Okay, so test is tama. So this loosely translates to she tastes or perceives the good of her merchandise and she doesn't turn off the lights. So we're going to focus on the first part of the puss which is the fact that she perceives or tastes her merchandise. And I'm going to kind of jump in here into what that could mean. So firstly the like direct translation is taste but the das mikra says that time can also mean to understand meaning she understands her merchandise. So we know that even though it it is translated as taste it is also like a deeper version of it is that she understands. So what does that mean? What merchandise is she exactly understanding? Let's say is it like her field that she owns or her sewing machine that she has? What is she actually understanding? So the miri brings down and he says that it's referring to her own merchandise, her merchandise of herself, her characteristics, her strengths. She knows her positive characteristics. She knows her own good. She knows what she's worth and she knows her strengths. She knows the value that she brings and that she's worthy. She knows that she is worthy regardless of what she does. So to me this teaches so much about the Aishas Kyle because it's so telling that the A is a sky is somebody who knows herself. Not only does she know herself but she knows her strengths. She knows not only her flaws and all but also her skills. She's in touch with herself. She knows her positive characteristics and she knows her own good. She knows herself. She's in connection with herself. And to me, that's so telling about the Isaskle that the A is Kyle is somebody who takes the time to know herself and takes the time to understand who she is and what her strengths are and what her weaknesses are. I remember hearing a quote from the altar of Kelm that goes something like this. I'm just going to say the English that says woe is to a man that does not know his flaws. But a double woe like even more so to somebody who doesn't know their strengths, which we know how important it is to know our flaws because from our flaws, it's where we grow. It's where we connect more to Hashem. It's what we could build. It's what we can, you know, fix. And it's our aod amidos, let's say. But even more than that, if you don't know your strengths, if you don't know what it is that you have to offer, if you don't know what it is that Hashem gave you specifically to give to the world, and if you don't know, then you can never, you know, utilize that. It seems to me like knowing yourself is a prerequisite of being anious Kyle. knowing yourself and therefore knowing your flaws and knowing your strengths and I want to put an emphasis on the strengths aspect because that's what the Pak talks about is a pre-erequisite to being an asshy that we've spoken about and that we will immort speaking about. If you don't know yourself then how could you be this as Kyle? How could you be this dream of a woman this ideal woman that we strive to be in our own ways? And I would also add that knowing yourself is the foundation and it leads to self-esteem. And if you don't know yourself and if you aren't connected to yourself and if you don't know your strengths and your flaws and your approach to that and again your connection to yourself then your self-esteem can't grow from there. Your self-esteem comes from first while you know your connection and you know yourself. So with that, luckily I have an expert in the field of self-esteem and self-growth. Her name is Kaya Tab and Kayatab is a staff clinician at the CBT DBT center. Kaya has held positions in case management and clinical capacities working extensively with adults diagnosed with various conditions and offering both individual and group therapy. Her experience also includes significant work with adults having substance use disorders. Kaya is passionate about building strong alliances with her clients. Kai believes that clients should guide the treatment process. She is dedicated to using evidence-based approaches, including but not limited to CBT, DBT, and ACT, supporting clients through the challenging and transformative therapeutic journey. So, as you just heard, Kaya is very knowledgeable and has experience in this area. So with Hashem's help, Kai is going to enlighten us on this topic of knowing yourself and knowing your flaws and knowing your strengths and how that lead to developing self-esteem. So welcome Kaya and thank you so much for joining us. >> Thank you. I'm excited to be here. >> Okay, so let's hear your thoughts on first of all like what this pas is saying and this overall idea of knowing yourself and being connected to yourself and knowing your flaws, specifically your strengths. I want to hear your thoughts on that. Yeah, so many thoughts. I would start, I guess, because I'm a therapist and most often when I'm meeting people, it's because there's a problem in this area. So, my first thought is what gets in the way of us knowing our results, right? What gets in the way of us knowing our strengths, being able to see our own good? And to me, that usually centers on a problem of like low self-esteem, right? Or negative beliefs about ourselves. And I personally am trained in a CBT type of approach. CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy and different like modalities that are based off of that. And they all kind of are underpinned by this theoretical framework of thoughts, feelings, and actions making up like who we are. And that all of these impact each other. So we view it as like a triangle and and like just picture a triangle with you know thoughts at one point, feelings at another point and then actions at the other point. And the idea is that these three like areas are areas in which we can like you know impact or affect some kind of change and then it impacts all the other parts. >> So if I change the way I think it will change the way I feel and the way I act and the same goes for any of the other parts. So when someone comes in with some kind of problem or some kind of issue, I like to look at it through that kind of framework. Like what is happening here? Let's break it down into these three areas. So when we say things like low self-esteem or low self-confidence, these are like big phrases that carry so much weight and actually I just think of it as you know usually a problem within one of these three areas or all three. And primarily what comes to my mind is the idea of the thoughts, right? That often times our low self-esteem or our low self-confidence comes from certain thoughts we have about ourselves. And often times it can be these can be really like deep core beliefs we have about ourselves, >> right? Something that maybe we've been telling ourselves since we were kids. >> Yes. Yeah. And that's exactly I was going to say next is that nobody's really born with low self-esteem, right? Nobody comes into the world thinking they're terrible at something or bad at something. It's usually messages we've gotten either explicit, you know, messages from people or more implicit messages. Just we've tried something and it hasn't worked. And so we develop these beliefs about ourselves and they're so subconscious sometimes that we don't even realize we're telling ourselves certain things. I think about like when we make a mistake and we'll say to, you know, we'll say to ourselves something like, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I was so stupid." Right. >> Right. And I I have clients sometimes to picture like a friend calling you up and telling you that they made that mistake and you telling them, "Oh my gosh, you're so stupid." >> We we would never say that to our friend like it just it's not a way we speak, right? Or I'm a failure. I'm a mess or why can't I get my ass together? You would never say that to someone, right? We never say like you are a mess. >> Yet we say it to ourselves, >> right? We say it to ourselves all the time. And it's helpful to understand how thinking that thought will actually follow the triangle will make us feel a certain way. It will probably make us feel really bad about ourselves. It'll make us feel sad. It'll make us feel down. And often times it'll affect the way we act. It'll affect the way we, you know, how present we are in our lives and what we choose to do. I just want to like break this down like you're saying that self-esteem almost can be broken down into this triangle of thoughts, feelings, and actions which again like what you were saying like we say self-esteem and self-confidence and breaking it down into bite-sized thoughts, feelings, and actions even though obviously those are like not actually bite-sized but something smaller is much more digestible and that again imagining it as a triangle when we our thoughts will affect not always but we're saying it has the potential to our thoughts can potentially affect our feelings and our actions and also vice versa. Meaning our feelings can also affect our thoughts and our actions. This one almost is like the most interesting to me is that like our actions can affect our thoughts and our feelings. Meaning even if you tell me I'm just like speaking here but you tell me if I'm hitting you know something that if you do let's say someone does not feel like worthy like does not feel worthy of getting up getting dressed you know facing the day treating themselves it doesn't mean like getting manicures all day but feeling worthy to go out with friends feeling worthy to make yourself a proper lunch to nourish yourself feeling worthy of basic human, you know, feeling worthy enough to get into bed early enough to make sure that you're going to get sleep, feeling worthy enough. But these actions, even if you don't feel or think, you know, your thoughts are going against that, if you take action of taking care of yourself proactively in ways that you haven't in the past. So that those actions themselves can impact the way that you think and that you feel about yourself. Is that true? Can you explain that more? >> Totally. Yes. So that's a big area that we focus on as well in therapy very often because thoughts are important and we can often target that and sometimes we need to go straight to the actions like what it is that you're doing in your life. It's actually you're totally acting in line with this low self-esteem and maybe we can do a different kind of action here even if you're like you're saying you're not feeling it but just doing that action can actually change the way you feel. So if you're, you know, feeling down and you just want to lay in your bed the whole day and instead you get up and you get dressed and you put on your feet and you go out, often times you'll feel better. And that's the action itself like that part of the triangle working the other way and you might have different thoughts. So absolutely it works in every direction. And not to say that if you're, you know, feeling very down and you get dressed, so then like all your worries and woes are going to be gone, but you're sending a message to yourself saying like, I can do this. I deserve this. I'm going to do it. I'm going to put on my shel and I'm going to get going. >> I think that it's important to point out that often times we do need to act and change our thoughts when we don't necessarily want to. It's often important just to understand how this isn't effective for me. I might want to land. I might want to think to myself, I'm so stupid. But we take the approach of, is this working for you? Is this effective for you? Are you showing up in your life in a better way because you're having this scar or because you're doing this action? And if the answer is no, then we want to think about changing it. So, it's not always like, oh, I want to change or I want to tackle this really difficult area in my life and therefore I'm going to do it. Sometimes motivation just comes from it's not working for me. A lot of people end up hitting I don't want to say rock bottom but something like that or hitting like a low in their life and being like this isn't me. This isn't what I want. So how does one let's say someone who is hearing this and is almost like hearing this concept of thoughts and feelings and actions for the first time and it's kind of opening the door of getting to know themselves like before we even get to the part of changing one of the three and how it impacts us like changing one of the three points in the triangle and helping our self-esteem. How would you guide someone who might not be in touch with their thoughts, feelings or their actions? How would you as a therapist encourage someone or guide someone to get in touch? Because I feel like you first need to be in touch with your thoughts and feelings and actions before we start talking about this magical triangle of self-esteem. >> Totally. So we actually in therapy we often will do like formal tracking meaning like >> what does that mean actual it's like an actual worksheet or an actual assessment that you fill out every day you would actually track like you know we have feelings we have the action part >> oh my gosh they should do this in elementary school this is like tools for life >> there are people there is actually like DBT skills that have been like made into a course for elementary schools >> really that's so Cool. >> Yeah. So, it's really put in place, meaning like these kind of formal tools we use when they're necessary and like in a therapeutic environment and it you can do them for yourself. Even at the end of the day, just sit down and think about like, you know, what were my emotions today? Like tracking certain emotions and you know, did I notice any thoughts coming up more often, right? And we want to start just like tapping into it a little bit. So, it's about just mindful awareness. Yeah. a little bit more awareness and if necessary doing some sort of like formal tracking which is what we do in you know in therapy with clients. >> Do you feel like clients respond well to the formal tracking and really learn more about what their feelings and their thoughts are and their actions? >> Absolutely. >> As always with everything in life, you get out whatever you input. So if somebody listening to this wants to do something like this, could they just probably like Google that type of worksheet? >> Yeah, absolutely. You can Google like a diary card it's called in BBC or even like CBT also has different worksheets to like track your thoughts based on a situation. I would encourage if you're really trying to build up the skill to do it like once a day on one situation. So notice like let's say one situation that was difficult that day and break it down into what happened what was my thought about it what was my feeling what did I do and then by doing this over time every day even just with one situation it could be even a positive situation you'll start to notice the thoughts that come up more >> even just being like this is what the pus was talking about knowing yourself and obviously then leading to like you were saying a positive situation of knowing your strengths and knowing how you dealt with that in terms of thoughts feelings in actions. But this is like this is if somebody wants to get to know themselves more, this seems like such a great tool, a practical and not something expensive or super hard. Like you can do this even if you aren't going to go to therapy and learn more about yourself, but just googling a worksheet like this and tracking over time seeing like this happened. What were my thoughts? What were my emotions? What were my actions? I'm imagining that if you do this over time and you see how you're almost like patterns. So if you are acting in a way that you maybe later on regret tracking it will help you change that eventually. Even like almost like subconsciously like even if you aren't going to like say like okay next time I'm not going to do that but just being more aware. That's so interesting. Okay. Is there anything else except for something like a formal tracking like worksheet like we're saying to learn more about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Do you have anything else to recommend to get to know yourself more? I think that it's very known nowadays that knowing yourself and therapy and all these things, it was not as common in previous generations. It was not as something that was as attainable for sure, not something had more of a stigma around it. So even if someone was raised in a beautiful home with lovely parents and and a healthy environment, it could be that they just don't know themselves so much and even more so for somebody who was raised with parents or an environment that was not as accepting. So except for this formal tracking, is there anything else that someone in any of those situations can do to help themselves better? Even just like connect even I would say like let's put the triangle on hold for a second of like the thoughts, feelings, and actions. Even just like getting to know like what your likes and what your dislikes are. Like what do you enjoy doing? What would you do if you had just like a free empty day? What is your favorite color? What is your favorite food? >> Yeah. So, we hope that people have some kind of understanding of these things. And you're right that some people really don't. And so, what I would say is I honestly would go back to the trying on the tracking because you can notice for yourself when something feels good, when something feels meaningful, when you feel a certain sense of fulfillment from something or just a sense of like enjoyment, like I saw something nice and sometimes we're not in touch with that, right? So, we're like, "Oh, I don't know what flavor ice cream I like." Okay. So, stand at the ice cream store and try every single flavor and see how you feel about that. Like, it's totally okay to try that. >> And I think that someone might be listening to this and like, why does like a grown woman need to try every single flavor in the ice cream store? I think that it's important to give yourself the opportunity to not only enjoy life and whatever Hashem has given us in life, obviously, but it's important. Why does it not matter? Like, it's so exciting to enjoy the little things in life. So you are deserving of knowing what it is that you enjoy. What speaks to you more? What type of weather do you enjoy more? And I think that like obviously the thoughts, feelings, and actions are so much more like concrete in terms of our self-esteem and it builds up our self-esteem. >> We talk about mindfulness all the time with DBT. And within DBT, there are skills that are revolve around like lowering our vulnerability to intense emotions. And those include, you know, taking care of ourselves, having a set routine, doing things that are pleasurable, right? Like finding pleasant activities. And actually, if you look up like DBT handouts, there's a list of hundreds of things that they give you, like ideas of pleasant activities that you can try. And when you're in a DBT skills group, we give you a homework for that week to try those things out. So yes, that's an essential part and I would say it's a part of the triangle or maybe like what you're saying it it comes like right before that like it's part of the environmental factors, right? >> Yeah. It's all connected. It's almost like all mushed up. >> It's certainly a huge aspect of our mental health, of our emotional health, our physical health, and our spiritual health. did it put us in this world to just go through it mindlessly. No, actually we're supposed to enjoy certain parts of it and that's on purpose. And so being able to tap into it is healing and therapeutic in itself. Totally. >> I also I mean this is just coming from me, not from anyone much bigger than me, but I really think Hashem enjoys when we enjoy. Obviously within the framework of hashkafa, it's like a parent seeing their kid enjoy. Of course, it's something that gives you and it's not what life is all about. But life is not all about bubbles and ice cream, but it's something that helps fuel us. And I think it's a critical part in getting to know yourself. Getting to know yourself with a almost like the not intense things. There we go. Like to get to know yourself when it things is like not intense. And then getting to know yourself also when things that are more serious and heavier. >> Let's say you have a client that's really having a hard time with their self-esteem. And obviously we're taking a huge topic here and crunching it down to a triangle and a very short podcast, but what would you know with the formal tracking and with this idea that your actions, feelings, and thoughts all connect with each other, like what would be the next step if somebody's tracking that whether they're doing it by themselves or with a therapist, can you walk us through how that affects self-esteem? >> Sure. Yeah. So, I would start, let's say, let's start with the thoughts part. And so if you know someone notices that when they make a mistake, the thought that comes up for them all the time is like I'm so stupid or I just can't do anything right. And so we have two options when we notice that there are thoughts that we don't really want. We do two things. Number one is we can either kind of what we call diffusion meaning like separate from the thought. And this is a really helpful tool where we explain like a thought is a thought. It doesn't ask to continue that triangle. Like I can say to myself, "Oh, I just had a thought that I'm stupid." And like a balloon, like I'm holding on to a balloon. I can choose to just like let go of it and like see it float away. That would be called diffusion, which is like not attaching ourselves to our thought, >> right? A thought is a thought and it doesn't need to be like a life sentence or exactly a belief. >> Or we can choose to challenge that thought directly. Just like we go to battle with that thought like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so stupid and then we're like, are you stupid?" Like you ask yourself, am I stupid? I don't know like I graduated college. I helped my child with his math homework. Like I don't think I'm stupid. Right? And what we're doing when we're challenging is that we're noticing how extreme the belief is in one direction. I am stupid. That's all-encompassing. That is very black and white and very extreme. >> Right? >> And any belief that is very extreme, we want that to be like an alarm for us like, hey, that's not right. That can't be right. And I think that's what the puppet is saying, right? Like there's good like we want to be able to see the good in a very balanced way. And if we're only seeing things so negatively and so extreme to one end and of course we can't notice good, right? And actually noticing good might be the antidote to that, right? Noticing that hey, there is a more balanced approach I could take. I'm not all bad. I'm not all stupid, right? I'm not only a failure. And so one of the first tools I tell people to use is like just stating the facts, right? So let's say you you burnt your supper, right? And instead of saying like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so stupid. I literally can't make dinner." Like, "Can't believe I did that. Biggest step back." What happened? >> Put the chicken in the oven, turned it on to 400, and I thought, >> right? >> And when you say it like that, often times like it takes out all that emotional energy. >> What's behind it? >> Right? So people say like, "Oh, how do I replace the thought?" That's a very good replacement is like that statement and that statement now I have a way to fix that right now I have a way forward instead of I'm just so stupid >> right set a timer oh okay fine next time I'll set a timer >> exactly this reminds me of the idea of like karata and people think it means like beat yourself up and actually that's the opposite of what we want because when you beat yourself up or get into this extreme negative thought process you're paralyzed that's what we call in therapy inaffected shame it makes you just want to hide Like I don't want to do anything about this, >> right? Like how can I ever be better? >> Exactly. And actually ineffective shame we always say gets in the way of effective guilt. Harata is effective guilt. It means I did something wrong here. How can I fix it in the future? What can I do differently? That's movement, right? Ineffective shame. Yeah. And then those negative like self talk or thoughts that we have are paralyzing. They don't let us move. So they don't let us get to Sakura. We can't we can't get there because we're so stuck in you know I'm just that or I just can't. >> Okay. So that's thoughts and then let's say a feeling comes up then how do you process that? >> Yeah. So feelings we want to decide with our feelings. People sometimes take issue with this but it's just the terminology. Does it fit the facts or does it not? What does that mean? So we know that every emotion is valid. That's like the starting point. Yeah. Everything is valid. Every thought is val. Every emotion is out, every action is out. That's our starting point in therapy because it's happening for a reason. It's not that this is coming up for no reason. So when a feeling comes up, it's valid. That's like first starting point. And then we want to ask ourselves, is it fitting the facts of the situation? Right? If the fact is that I burnt my chicken, is the fitting emotion to feel shame and feel like I am bad? I would question that, right? Is that actually fitting the facts? But if let's say somebody, you know, god forbid, lost a loved one and they feel really sad yet that's actually fitting the fact, right? Or if they did something wrong to somebody else and they're feeling guilty, is it actually fitting the fact? So the first question we have with feelings, is it fitting the fact or not? Right? Is it helpful for me or effective for me to feel this emotion based on what happened? And then we decide what we want to do with that emotion. So, we can either go with the emotion like if you know, god forbid you lost someone and they're feeling sad, you know, go with that emotion like cry, feel the sadness, like, you know, go into yourself. That's what sadness is. If you know there's a smoke alarm going off and there's a fire so and you feel fear, go with that fear, like run, hide, do whatever you need to do. And if it's not plain the facts, like if I am a crumpled nest of tears on my kitchen floor cuz my supper burnt, I might want to bring myself back to those facts and say like, "Okay, this is what happened. I'm feeling this >> almost like a reality check." Not in like a mean way. >> Yeah. And also do what we call opposite action. It's acting opposite to what the emotion wants you to do. It's actually literally doing the opposite. And people get caught up in that. >> Oh, but you're supposed to feel your emotions and you don't want to like numb your emotions, but actually we didn't, right? Because we felt it. We validated it. Okay, this is the emotion that's there. And now we're saying, well, what do I want to do? Do I want to be a crumble mess on my floor? Or like when our children make us angry? Do I want to yell and lose it, right? No. So, I might want to do the opposite, right? I might want to like gently approach my child and cop in a really low voice. And like that will actually change the feeling. I will be less angry if I do that. And that kind of goes into actions of like changing the action that you are going to do like we were saying before of changing the actions even when you don't think it or don't feel it. >> What you're pointing out is important meaning the feelings realm is often changing it. We need to do either the thoughts part or the actions part >> which is why it's so interrelated. Like it's we're going through thoughts, feelings, and actions. But really it's a different approach. It's like when you're having a thought, when you're having a feeling, when you're doing an action, you're approaching it differently. But like the example you just gave, when we have a feeling, we're not saying no, don't have that feeling. We have that feeling. We accept it. It's valid. And the way that we're going to help ourselves cope and either like when you said, if it's fitting with the facts, we're going to cry if it's cryworthy, you know, according to the facts, quote unquote, or we're going to do an action, which again, we're taking the feelings into the action, which helps us um process and change in the direction we want to go to. >> Exactly. Yes. Absolutely. And so the self-esteem point of, you know, challenging those thoughts, maybe even doing things for ourselves or trying things out, that is how we work through the problem of low self-esteem. And once we're doing that, right, once we're noticing, here's where I'm getting stuck in my low self-esteem. Now I can change it. Now I can help myself. And it might feel hard, right? That comes out automatically. Like people are like, I can't control my thought. They just come out. That's absolutely true. And I view it as like Arnoc is in the moment right after. >> I have that thought and now I can choose what I want to do with that. Right. >> Right. It's not I'm driving this bus. I can control what I the way I think. And if I do it enough like consistently enough over time >> actually those thoughts will start to show up less. They really will. >> Beautiful. >> And do you feel like clients end up having like a pattern like one person might struggle significantly more with thoughts or one more with actions, one more with feelings? Yeah, I do think that some people are more are like, you know, show up with more like of a cognitive based problem and some people struggle with more like an action problem. It also depends on the depth of the person. >> Right. Right. No, it's it's complex. >> Yeah. I thought you were going to go in the direction of like do people have themes about where they have low self-esteem and low self-confidence? And that is for sure. And I would just put in here that like everybody has areas where we struggle with our self-esteem and our self-confidence. Every single person. and you can work on it and you can totally you know change it and I think a lot of for a lot of us as wives and mothers it comes up like these areas like whether it's homemaking or what type of mother you are what type of white you are whether you're doing things right your house is clean enough like these are really strong area where some of these thoughts >> right right that's so interesting I'm really liking how this huge topic of self-esteem can be broken down to this triangle that is much more just accessible to every person >> and it works on the flip side too. If you want to feel more positive thoughts and feel more positive emotions about yourself, you would do the same thing when you do things that you can be proud of or even just small little things like can you pump those up? Like put supper on the table and say to yourself like, "Hey, I just gave my children food to nourish their souls." You know, like really pump up the positive. Like look at that. I just did that or I just helped that person. I just gave that person a compliment. >> And that goes back to the puck of strengths and that like the puzz is deliberately talking about the good of her merchandise, the good of herself, the strengths. This whole topic really reminds me about in pavos says is mako who's the wise man, the one who knows his place and is familiar with his place. That doesn't mean that everything is amazing with everybody's self-esteem. It means that I know where I am. I know my flaws. I know my strengths and know myself. And that is the basis of knowing. When you know yourself, you're in a relationship with yourself. The same way that I mean, but when we're in a relationship with Hashem, we talk to Hashem, with a spouse or with a friend or with your children even, you are having a relationship. And when you give yourself the opportunity and the choice to have a relationship with yourself, then you get to know yourself. You get to know where you're holding. You get to know your flaws and ultimately your strengths which the plastic is telling us is so important and we see from what you were telling us kaya that it's when we know ourselves we can tap into this triangle and work on our self-esteem and only when we know ourselves and we relate to ourselves and we know what our flaws are and we know what our strengths are can we work more on our you can't work on your midos if you don't know what midos you need to work on. If you don't know that you're good at, you can't possibly be fulfill the potential of doing the that Hashem wants you to do and and so on and so forth. You know, I really do look at it as like a base of before. It's a prerequisite in my mind. >> Yes. Yeah. And it's I think I would break it down into like the awareness say like what am I thinking? What am I scaling? What am I doing? And once I know that what do I want to change, right? What do I want to tweak? What do I want to amplify? And then I hopefully get to this place of balance, real balance, where I'm not having extreme negative thoughts. I'm going to try to utilize my strengths. And I think that's where our ability to be strong wives and mothers comes from. Doesn't come from perfection. It doesn't come from being ourselves up. It comes from this very beautiful balance of Hashem created me with these strengths. Hashem created me with weaknesses. He created me with negative thoughts. He created me with positive thoughts. and then I can choose where I want to go with this. >> And we can only choose that when we first know ourselves. It kind of reminds me of how the Torah was given on Hari. It wasn't given on the highest and most, you know, like sought after mountain and it wasn't given in a valley because Hashem was trying to teach us that in order to accept Torah and in in order to to live Torah, you have to know your strengths. We're not hotti and gyc, but we also don't need to look at ourselves in a negative depressed way. And that's why I gave it on Hari, which was the perfect balance, right? Growing into the people that Hashem wants us to be and knows that we can be with our strengths. First, learning about ourselves and learning about our strengths and then ultimately tapping into that. That's so beautiful. Well, thank you so so much, Kaya, for joining us. And if you want to hear more about the work Kaya does, as well as the work of the CBT DBT center, you can contact them through the contact page on their website. The website is www.thecbtdbtcenter.com and then on that site you will be able to contact not only Kaya but the clinic as well. Thank you so much Kaya for joining us and thank you all of you for joining us. Please reach out and email us with any questions or thoughts. We would love to hear from you and please stay tuned for some more good vibes.