Navigating emotional trauma: A guide for families in crisis.

Hi. Okay, so first of all, I'm so sorry for her pain. And I'm so sorry for your pain. Baruch Hashem, this girl who is in such a bad place is home. We don't take that for granted. And Baruch Hashem, she has a mom and a dad to hug her, to cry with her, to sit with her. It's very painful that someone's going through so much pain. And this is not even it. This has been in her for who knows how long. Yes, 100% that you don't have anything else that you can do because you are the respirator. And if you compromise the respirator not only most likely she won't get help or go on meds or whatever, but she'll also lose the feeling of safety around you. She knows and you told her that we'll get you whatever help you need. Now, but she doesn't feel worthy of a shower. We understand that this is going to end up being in the realm of sexual something, trauma, abuse that she got, that she passed on. It's going to be something really, really bad. Because really there's not like not even anything else that causes these symptoms. So, it's like not really this or that. And um I hope Hashem's going to give you all the koach to stay together, united, and to be able to get through it. I've seen people, kids, and families recover from even the worst situations. And sometimes kids do things that they they don't know what they're doing. They don't mean to do it. It's like not even a It's like a It's like sleepwalking. They get hurt and then they hurt someone else that they love and then it eats them up and they just really burns them from the inside, destroys them. Cuz they know what they did and they're confused, they think they're evil. If the person did it to me is evil, then what I did is evil. If the person if I'm not evil, then the person who did it to me is not evil. So, then what is this? So, then this is okay, it's normal. It's not normal, it's very complicated. So, of course you have to daven. That's the first thing. Ask all these family members who are close, you should have a can be completing to hillum every day. I said that at at the Zoom meeting, family meeting. It's I say that all the time. That's for sure. This really can go either way. Dealing with a choleh sheyaish b'sakanah means that you can ask your rabbi, it's not a question, but I always like people to ask their rabbis, you can go for a drive on Shabbos if she just needs to chill out or if that would work, too. If she's depressed or if she's spiraling. So, even if she's just the way she is now, she's mamesh b'geder choleh sheyaish b'sakanah, not even a question. That's my decision to make. And a rabbi will tell you if you're dealing with a choleh sheyaish b'sakanah, you can be mechallel Shabbos for her. And if you're ever separated, you keep your phone's on. All the stuff that you've been hearing, sit for a few minutes when you daven and think, "What can I do for her?" Think about how much you love her. It's very important. K'mayim panim l'panim, kein lev ha'adam l'adam. This poor poor baby that she's going through this little personal holocaust is absolutely ho- horrific. So many thousands of people going through this. It's like we have a beautiful world. You know, she's so sick, she's not a sinner. She's sick, she can't function. People look, "Oh, look at they don't keep this, they don't do that." Kid in pain, we call them kips cuz they're in pain. So much pain. Probably since the Holocaust there was nobody in so much pain like her and our group of kips. And there's no sin that she could have done or that you could have done to deserve this. That's what our tzaddikim have told us. You have to remember that, it's not a punishment. Dovid Hamelech was the king of kings and he had a son Avshalom. Avraham had a Yishmael, Yitzchak had an Eisav, and they'll you know, we're not talking about a Yishmael or Eisav or Avshalom, we're talking about a pure holy soul that is just in so much pain. And um it's a destruction of a of a beautiful human being. But we have the chemo for this cancer. It's not physical, it's not spiritual, it's not intellectual, she's not too dumb to figure out when to sleep and when to get up and to move on and and not to cry all the time or be depressed or or or all the stuff that's going on. This is all in the realm of emotions. And anything you can do, any time that you have of reading or learning should be reading and learning the manual that I gave you, reading and learning about about emotional cancer. Cuz even in your thoughts you got to get this right. If you even think, "Oh, why did she do that? How come she did that? Why don't you do that?" She will feel it and you'll disconnect the respirator, God forbid. And even partially, so your whole job is the respirator. Don't ever compromise the respirator. And that's what we focus on. We know what's going to make somebody feel connected and what's going to make someone feel judged and disconnected. And then when you're thinking about what to do, think about like is there anything we're missing? Is there a comfort food? Can we get her new pajamas that are going to make her comfortable? Can we get Can we She's spending never so much time in her bed. Can we get her a better bed? Or or mattress topper or or new mattress or new anything for the room that makes it new. The chas v'shalom, she shouldn't be in the in the bed in the room that she suffered in and not in the house and location, either. People can't recover if they spent pain times of pain in a certain place, their PTSD stabbing you on top of everything from going into a room that you suffered in and a location. So, besides for the pain that broke her, going back to the scene, imagine someone's in a car accident and they break their spine, God forbid, or they break their legs, whatever. And now when they go back to visit that car scene, they're going to be in tremendous emotional pain. She's already in tremendous emotional pain cuz all of the ac- car accident, whatever it was that did this, that broke her, all of that is in the in the realm of emotions. And on top of that, she's getting triggered from PTSD, from being again in the same place or walking outside where someone once looked at you bad or maybe now looking at you bad. All these triggers, we have to make sure we remove any possibility of her being triggered. Many people don't don't really understand how painful how much pain they're in and how painful it is to walk outside when you had neighbors looking down at you or that are going to whisper about you and they're going to be like, "I, what's so bad What's wrong with her? What happened to her? I remember when she was this, I remember when he was that." All of that is very, very painful. It pushes you back into your hole. And if she will go with you anywhere, then go. Whether it's a drive, whether it's an hour or two hours away for a weekend, for to the Poconos, to an Airbnb, any place. And if she would fly, for sure. The more different stuff that we can have other than being in the same yucky situation, anything that breaks that is good. It's very good. And everyone in the family should be on high alert that they should try to bond as much as possible with this choleh. Whether it's a text and then afterwards sending funny stuff or a WhatsApp group or "I miss you, I didn't see you in a long time." or coordinating with you when she's around. And if she's not ready for it now, then soon as she will be ready. And until then she shouldn't feel like, "Oh, where were these people? I I was in pain for so many days or weeks or months and they didn't Where were they?" Kids have told me, "I don't care how many people are going to cry at my funeral. Where were they when I was in pain?" And even if the choleh rejects, you go to the hospital to visit someone and the nurse comes out, "I'm sorry, she she can't see you now." She knows you care about her and you respect that she can't see her. Even if people visit and she can't see visitors, she'll feel loved and cared for and you they bring a little a card, they bring a little gift. And if And if she's never not able to do this now, remember this for soon as she can. Whoever's allowed to know in her mind that she's unwell should be visiting her and caring about her and texting her and calling her, even if she ignores it. She can ignore it for 5 years, doesn't matter. She'll know this person never gave up on me. >> Oh.