Are we ready to move on? | Journey to Success - Episode 2

Hello and welcome back to the second session of the Rebbitson's dating coaching. It's my pleasure to be here again and I hope everyone had a wonderful month. Um last time we ended off speaking about the first and second date where it's just very basic um just getting to know them on a very basic level. And today we're going to talk about and move on um you know more like the fourth and fifth date where we really um close up the head part of dating and close up that intellect part and then move on to the heart stage. Um so um when a girl gets to the fourth or fifth stage and everything's checking off um I have a checklist and we call it the five husband good criteria checklist and these five things are a must in order for you to move on. So we will go through this checklist and I will share it with you. And if you can answer a resounding yes to all these things, then you as a girl dating and me as the mentor can feel so confident that this boy is a wonderful boy. He will make a wonderful husband, a wonderful father and so confidently you can move on. So let's start. The first thing that I will want to hear a very big yes is do you enjoy spending time with him? Do you enjoy being with him? Do you like yourself when you're with him? Now, we're not talking about the, you know, the outside appearance. It's it's the internal feeling of being with him. And really, this is the attraction piece. And believe it or not, um, when we feel good being with a boy and and and we feel comfortable and we enjoy spending time to him, it's actually the nishama pulling each other, both of you together. Um, it's actually the nishama pulling you together. So that would be number one. Do you enjoy spending time with him? And I would need to hear 100% before I would let you move on. If a girl would tell me, I don't know. Sometimes I'm really not sure. I don't know. Most of the time maybe, but really sometimes I really don't. Um I don't know if I would push this further to say, okay, go out on a fifth date. I I I I think that that is such a um major part of moving on that if if by the fourth and fifth date you still don't enjoy spending time with him, I would end it there and then move on because it really doesn't benefit anyone to just keep going out, going out, going out. You know, it just causes too much unnecessary pain um when eventually it's going to end anyhow. So, this is a big one. We want to make sure that you enjoy spending time. Um the second very important thing is is this boy that you're going out with a growing person? Um and a growing person could include many many things. Um it could be someone who you know works on his mid. It could be someone who has a mentor. It could be someone that um realizes that he's not up to his full potential yet and realizes that he still has so much to to you know improve so to speak and grow. Um, we really want to make sure that this person that we're dating and hopefully, you know, going to marry, um, is someone who is able to receive, um, influence, meaning, you know, we can't have someone that it's his way or the highway. We want to make sure that he can accept someone else's um influence whether it's, you know, moving to a new city once you're married or um talking about schools that your children might go to. Um it can't just be his way. He has to be open to listening to someone else's advice and taking that advice. Um and that is as well a growing person. Again, I would want to hear a resounding yes. Yes, he he is so growing. He tells me about his kabooas that he has and he tells me about the character traits that he's working on. That is a wonderful thing. And I would even ask for an example um for the girls to share with me like what example could you share that you saw that he is a growing person. So that's that's number two. Um you want to make sure he's a growing person. The third thing is you want to make sure that he has excellent midos, excellent character traits. Um everything else, externals and money and all those other things come and go. Um but character traits, midos that is the essence of the person and it's so important to make sure that those midi are there and the three most important that I'm going to talk about are as follows. The first one is honesty. Um, honesty is a big one and whilst you're dating, first, second, third, fourth date. Um, it's something that you should be looking out for. Like even little white lies, um, you know, if he said, "Sorry, I can't pick you up then. I'm not going to be home." And then you realized he was home. I mean, I, you know, I don't want to be negative about the boys, but just just little white lies. um you know, you just want to look out for red flags because honesty, as you all know, is a huge aspect to marriage and and that's a biggie. Um the second one is um positivity. Um living with a positive person is so much easier than not. So, you want to look out for someone who's positive about life. Um, you want to pick up patterns. If he continuously complains about the traffic in his town, um, complains about work, complains about his family, um, you want to make sure that he's a positive person. Your life would be so much easier, um, if he's positive. Um, and the third thing is, um, is he a giving person? And that means like is he able to give outside of himself? And the way to track this and see if he's a given giving person obviously would be, you know, does he offer you a drink? Does he make sure you know that you're not too cold? Does he offer you to go inside if it's too cold? But even further than that is um for him to think outside of himself. Like if the previous date before you had mentioned to him that you're going on a job interview, um if he would bring that up and say, "Oh, how was that job interview?" Or you had mentioned that you had a wedding. How was that wedding? You know, did you enjoy it? Um that shows that he can think outside of himself and think about other people and that's a very very important um trait in being married. Um so that that would be the third one which would be midos. Um the fourth one would be are you on the same basic hashgraphic level. Um this is important because um you know sometimes you can have two such different different ideas of of either where to live or how to bring up the kids and what to allow in the home and and and it's a big one and it's something that really needs to be discussed. And if at this point um you know when when you're going through these five good criterias for a good husband um you haven't spoken and gotten to that hashkuffic discussion yet um it would be a good time to go back and you know discuss this very important topic because again you just you know you don't have to be on the same page um but I think it's important hashkuffically to be in the same chapter you know you certainly don't want to be in a different book. Um so um so that that's something that that's very important. Um that's number four to be on the same hashkuffic level. Um and the fifth one is you want to make sure that he is able and stable. So what does this mean? You want to make sure he's a responsible person. Um you want to make sure he's kept the same job for a good good number of years. Um he stayed in the same yeshiva. He has the same friends for many years. Um, you know, if you would hear he jump from yes is yeshiva to yeshiva. He jumps from work to work. Um, that doesn't, you know, really show that he's so stable and responsible. Um, so that's something that you really want to make sure that he's able to, you know, support to be responsible to be a responsible husband. Um, if he passes all these five things, I mean, he's a great guy. I mean, that's really a great great guy. And you really can feel so so so confident that you're ready to move on because I mean, what more can we ask for? I it it really, you know, covers so much of a good person and a good personality. And um, you really really could feel confident. And you know, I always tell my clients, don't worry, I I'm tough. I'm very tough. I will not let you move on. You don't have to worry. If he does not pass these five things, you won't be moving on. So, it's really like a security and a real um you know, direction of okay, now we can move on. Um just for your information um when a boy is dating and he you know comes up to the fourth and fifth stage we also um go through this checklist of you know five good wife criteria. um everything is the same besides for the last one um instead of able and stable. Um it would be is she able to receive and and this is a big one um because clearly marriage is all about giving and receiving. And on a date, you know, at least he wants to see that the girl is able to receive his compliments. um a drink um his help um and it is hard. It is hard for girls sometimes to do this. I mean we know ourselves. Someone gives us a compliment and say ah you know oh you lost so much weight. Ah I'm so fat or oh I love your dress. Ah I just bought it from some cheap store. You know like it's such a art to be able to um you know say thank you. I really appreciate it. That was so nice of you. And boys particularly really love to see this confidence and positivity in the girl that they're dating. And you don't have to feel oh gosh this is so weird like I'm I'm going to feel you know it sounds so um you know excited that he's giving me something a compliment. You don't have to feel that because again like we spoke about the biggest attraction to a boy is if a girl is confident and positive and and and he wants to be able to give and he wants to be able for it to be received nicely and you know with a smile and a thank you and it makes the boy feel so special that he's taking care of you and it really furthers the relationship in a very big way. Um, I actually, you know, would recommend you girls to to practice practice everywhere. When you're on the airplane and someone offers to take down your your luggage for you, look at him and say, "Thank you. I really appreciate that. That was so nice of you." Or if you're by the shabas table and someone helps you with something or serves you, "Thank you." like really practice so that when you're out on a date, you really could receive nicely, which really really helps the boys like you better and want the relationship to continue. So, that's a little cheat sheet for you girls. Um, and I figured I'd let you know that very important trick. Um, okay. So now that um now that you know we we feel confident that he's a good husband, he could be a good husband, um the the the head part, the intellect part really all makes sense. Um everything checks off. Now we're ready to move on to the next stage, which is the heart stage. Um it's very hard especially for from girls to u move on to this emotional stage this emotional piece. Um from girls you know are kind of taught sometimes to you know just cover their emotions. Um but in order to date successfully and in order to create a very good relationship obviously this is something that we have to do as hard as it is and and um it is just so so so important to do um just like babies uh before they walk it is so important for them to crawl um if they miss that stage a lot of PTs and OT's will tell you that they're missing such basic um basic elements ments to their being because they missed out that very important stage. And so too with this, we really have to go in the correct order and stage and make sure that we include this piece of emotion and um that emotional connection so that the relationship is a good solid relationship. And in fact um many divorced women will say that whilst they were dating they completely skipped the stage. it just you know never came up this emotional um attraction this emotional connection and they skip this stage. So so it really really is a very very important step. Now the bad news is is that um you girls are the one that's going to initiate this step and the step is as follows. In order to to love um a girl has to show vulnerability. a girl has to um be vulnerable to this boy. Um and the way to do that is to um think about something that you know your best friend knows about you and only she is the only one that knows about you or maybe just your sister in the whole entire world knows about you. Or it doesn't have to be even such a um you know such a big secret but something that that you have struggled with or you had a hard time with and overcame. um and you should you know pick that thing and bring it up on a date and share your experience about that. So ide um different examples would be um maybe if you moved to a new town like when you were 18 years old um something maybe when your grandmother died you had a hard time with um maybe something that happened in school that was very difficult for you and a real challenge. Um, this is something that you have to bring up. And now girls might say, "Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not starting to bring up these things. What if he dumps me after this?" Like, I don't want to open up to him. And what if he dumps me? But, but, you know, we say the expression, "No pain, no gain." I mean, the only way for the relationship to further itself is to go through these steps and these stages of relationships. So, you know, if if you don't ever come to this, then there's no way the relationship can excel. But if you do, then at least 50% the relationship will excel and hopefully end in marriage. Um, no one is perfect. No one is perfect. And a boy doesn't want to marry a perfect girl. He doesn't want to marry a mannequin. Um, he wants to marry someone real. And everyone real has something to share that they struggled with or something that they, you know, had a hard time with. And it's um it's very important to share um to share this um because at this point you're good friends already. And good friends do share their their struggles with each other. Um, this step really enables the boy to feel that you trust him and you're allowing him to carry your struggle. Um, I it is it is such a powerful step for a boy to feel that you trust him enough and feel safe enough to share this this struggle with him. Um, and it's it's one of the biggest, you know, leaps in the relationship. You know, when we spoke about the steps, the staircase, and we take step by step, by doing this, you're like jumping two, three steps at a time. You're really excelling the relationship. Um, okay. So, so, so, so we do know that we have to share something and we want to share something. Um, the question now is how do we share it? Um, so we want to make sure that we're not just factsharing. Um, I have diabetes. Here's my doctor's number. Um, that would just be fact sharing. We want to really make sure that we're feeling sharing. Um, so you could say something like, you know, when I was 14, I started, you know, not feeling good. We went to doctors and you know it was a very hard time in my life but my parents were so supportive and you know go through the whole story of events and tell them how you've grown from it tell them how you've grown and always important to end off on a positive note that you know this is what Hashem wanted from me and and and I have grown and I've just become stronger from it. Um so so you know again important to to feel share um as opposed to fact share. Um another example would be um when I was 10 my mother gave birth to a down syndrome baby or you could say when I was 10 um you know my mother gave birth to a down syndrome baby and it was it was it was obviously so hard in the beginning. We didn't know what would be um and you know we went to lots of doctors and it was it was just so unsettling but he has been the sunshine of our life and I can't imagine living without him etc. So, so again, when you share, you want to include emotion. You want to give him the whole the whole picture, not just the fact. Um, and you know, again, going back to that thing like I I just can't do it. I I I can't become vulnerable and then and then he's going to dump me. Um, number one, you rather know this now that he's emotionally healthy and you're able to have an emotional connection with him than find out after the wedding, right? So, so, so now is a good time to do it so that you know that you can move on. You want to know that you connect emotionally and you want to make sure that you know he he he understands you and you know he doesn't just say well that's life you know and give no compassion or no feeling. Um this is a time when you really want to see that he can hold your struggle and feel for you and really really emotionally connect. So it is a very important um part of the emotional connection. Um [Applause] um okay. So how does a girl bring this up? Um what's a good way for a girl to bring this up being that it's your job to to move on to this stage? So, you could say um something like um I've never shared this before, but I, you know, want to share something with you. Or I've actually never shared this on a date before, or I've actually never shared this with a boy before. And again, it's just such a propelling um step to um excelling the relationship because the boy just feels so confident and good that you're trust him and you feel safe enough to share this. And um obviously again if he just throws it away and and or he you know doesn't give you much um attention for it or thought about it or comment about it and he just moves on to the next topic and just say oh well then then that's someone that you really have to look into and see if he has the emotional intellect that you are looking for. Um, okay. So, the question was, how many things should be we sharing at a time? And I would say just one. Um, you know, on the fifth, fourth, fifth date, if that's what you're up to, just one. Um, share, explore it together. And what's going to happen most probably is on the next date, the boy will share one of his struggles or issues that he had growing up. And that would be your chance to show him how you can, you know, hold his emotional um challenge that he had. And it would be your chance to show how much you care and and um you know, share in his challenge. Um but I wouldn't overload it at all. I mean, at the fifth date where we're holding now, just just one. Right. So the over here, right over here. Oh, the Mrs. Sarah Broski's question was would it be the girl the would the girl be the only one to bring up this vulnerability? And the answer is as I said before I said I you know that was the bad news that yes, the girl in this case is the one to bring it up first. um it's the girl's um nature to bring it up first and most most likely then or on the next date the boy will share something that he's gone through um that you as the girl would be able to you know emotionally join him with. So if the girl if the boy brings it up first and she's not prepared for it. Um, so that's that's where the dating mentors come in and and and you know, prep the girls and train the girls that you really want to be able to, you know, listen and show that you care and her reaction should be the same. Yes. Sure. Valid. Absolutely. Mr. Sari, your reaction should be, as we explained with the boy, to validate it and to hold it and share in his experience and show that you really, really care. Yes, 100%. Sure. Yes. Um, someone asked if we can have a recap of the five good criteria husband list. And, um, I will give you a acronym to remember it. Um, I was going to say it at the end, but thank you. I could say it now. Um, it's the, uh, word games. G A Ms. games. So G would be is he a growing person? A would be is he able and stable? M would be does he have good midday? E would be is he um sorry I'll get back to E. Um S is are you on the same hashic level? and E I'm sorry. The thing is, is he able um to to give of himself? Is he able to see outside of himself and be able to give of himself? But I will get back. No. Um thank you. I'm sorry. Okay. So that I'm sorry it was the first one. Yes. Enjoy spending time together. I'm sorry. So E was enjoy spending time together and S was same hashkuffic level. Okay. So that's games easy to remember. You want to, you know, be on the good games of life and this this would be it. Okay. Um Okay. a very um very important um part of moving into the emotional and heart stage um would be being able to give a compliment at this time. It's very important to be able to give a compliment. Um you know, we're not talking about a external compliment. Oh, I like your shoes. You know, um your glasses are nice. We're talking about a compliment where it really honestly makes the person feel good, like I really enjoyed spending time with you or I've never had such an enjoyable date before or I was so amazed how calm you were, you know, when that whole mixup happened with your credit card or, you know, you were so relaxed when when when we were sitting in all that traffic and we had to get home. You know, it really amazes me. So, so, so a compliment on their character trait is a very big mover in moving this relationship further. Um, so that's another thing to keep in mind. Um so again you know for the heart stage obviously there's a lot more but we can't cover everything but um two very biggies is to show your vulnerability and let him hold it for you and explore it with you and give a compliment because that really does excel the relationship. Right. So oh let me repeat the question. Um the question was big things like diabetes and um down syndrome baby should be known before the fifth date. I mean that that that altogether you know is a controversy question and and that you know you could ask your rv and so forth but but that's not what this is about. This is a he could know that you have diabetes, but you're just sharing your experience with him and going through all the details and the emotions and how hard it was for you when you were in school and everyone else was able to eat whatever they wanted, but you had to be careful, but you really grew from it. And again, the same thing with the Down Syndrome baby. I mean, he can know that, but but you just want to be able to share that experience with him. And that's what it's about. It's about him being able to feel your struggle, your pain through what you went through. So I think it's two separate things. Um okay. So um so now we move on. Um, you know, we we we've we've, you know, explored a little bit of the heart stage, the emotional stage, and and we really, you know, connected and we really let down our barriers and and let down our guard. What happens when there's rejection? What happens, you know, afterwards when the boy says no? Um, unfortunately, there's no there's no way around it. I mean, this this this is the course of dating. Um, and this is what it is. Yep. It's not pleasant. Um, but but you know, if we don't date and we don't date, you know, su successfully where we include the heart stage, then you're never going to get any further. Um, like we said, no pain, no gain. Like you have to, you know, you have to take risks. And yes, it it it is hard. It is hard to get rejected. But but but but that's the world of dating that we live in. And um it's just something that we have to that we have to go through. Um a boy and girl should know and and and we all know it, but it's important for you to know that going into dating and dating someone gives you every reason in the world to say no. Everyone knows you're allowed to say no. Um you know, you give it a fair chance and then you're allowed to say no. Um, and and I bring up this point because there are some girls that have a very very hard time saying no and they just keep on dragging out the dates and the dates and and they're just afraid to say no. Either they're afraid of the not in a bad way, but they're like, well, she works so hard and if I say no, maybe she won't ever read me a shik again. And that's a scary thing, but but a that's not true. She will read you a again. Um but but we really really have to feel confident and be strong and be able to give that no when we know that this is not going to go any further. I mean if we turn the tables around and and I would tell you well the boy's really afraid to say no. So he keeps on saying yes and just dragging you week after week after week. You wouldn't want that. You would feel horrible. Um so the same thing. Yes, it hurts a no. But in this world of dating, it is very very important to be able to give that confidently and and strongly. And sometimes um I need to really, you know, role play with the girl to be able to call the shot and give yourself a twominut, you know, time frame and really say, I I really appreciate it. He was a great guy, but he's really not for me. and really stick to your two-minute I I discussed this with my mentor. I discussed this with my parents. We are it it you know you really appreciate everything she did for you but it is a no and you really have to have that empowerment in you to be able to say no because no one wants to be dragged out for no reason. Um you know so much more pain is involved and no one gains from it. So that's something that um is very important to know. Um the fifth date. Um sorry, someone asked a question. Should you end it if you're not feeling emotionally connected by the fifth date? um if he showed no emotion at all and didn't you know give you any any comment um on what you shared um that would be a big red flag. I would probably try it one more time and see the pattern. So um yes, so I I I I you know I would give it for sure one more time. And as Mrs. Sarah Browski just said very importantly this is where the shhatan comes in and the girl can go back to the shhatan and say listen you know I just feel that he's not emotionally connecting um and this is a message that should be given over to the boy and it could be he just you know wasn't aware that that was his place and you know it's something to be learned and a boy could have it in but you know the first time it could be he was taken a back and not prepared for it so definitely definitely give him you know another try um you know but if you see a continuous ous pattern of, you know, when you talk about your life, your family, your struggles, and he just waves it off and, you know, really shows no interest at all. Um, you know, that that might be a reason to say this boy doesn't have emotional intellect and, you know, might not be for you. But again, everything needs to be discussed and worked through. um you know nothing nothing rash or um you know everything should take time and be worked through and um come to you know a a a clear answer. Okay. So the question was there are many different aspects of hashguffer. What do we have to make sure that actually matches? Um I I I would think um you know you could you could speak about um what type of place you would want to live. like you know if some if the boy wants to live in Alabama where there's no Jewish anything on there and you really really want a Jewish you know community and a Jewish school for your kids schools um you know if he would want to send them to you know some affiliated Jewish school and you want a real um a real Jewish school. So these are things um that that would probably um be important to talk about. Um I think maybe technology would be a big thing like um you know would you let the kids watch movies all day in the house have it open to them open internet you know some girls might feel absolutely not and some boys well I don't care you know yeah I don't mind I mean that's a big thing I mean you know um I think everyone probably has their own thing that's important to them um but I think that you know as throughout the conversation ations things can come up where I I think you would be able to gauge if you were on that same hashkuffic you know chapter or even book but you know certainly you don't want to be in a different book um you know if you're going to cover your hair or you're not going to cover your hair um after marriage I think that's a big thing you know tas um that would be a big thing um really depends what's important to you um and and so forth and you know a lot of the times if you're dating a person within the same um community as you or the same circles you know you're affiliated with the same shul or the same schools you know most of the time you would know what hashkuffic level there are on um if it's something that you really really don't know and you don't know where he's holding that would be where you would want to ask questions and you know see what works for him and what doesn't okay so we were talking about um you know really being able to say know when when it's really not for you. Um my suggestion is like once you're past the fourth or fifth date, I would say fifth, fifth, sixth. Um I think it's only decent um that you would tell the boy directly um that you think it's not for you. Um obviously you would sandwich it and package it, you know, start off with praise, um you know, and what you liked in him and then just say you just don't think it's going to go any further and end off with a braha. um because you know you don't want to hurt the boy. Um you did spend so much time together and personally I think it's it's just a nice thing to do. Um you know to to end it that way. Um and how does it feel when you're rejected? You know yeah it's not fun but but but that's the course of dating. That's what it is. And um it's part of the process that we call dating. Um that that really you know it could be Mrs. Serowski said it you know it's like cliche to say you know hindsight is 2020 and and you'll look back and you'll say oh thank goodness it didn't work out and and really rejection is is really a braha from Hashem. It really is. Rejection is really a braha from Hashem and it really should be clarity for you. It really should be clarity that he was the one to say no and obviously Hashem has decided that this is not a good match. Um rejection you know doesn't mean that's it. You know rejection just means redirection and you know move move on to to the next potential shak. Um and um you know so so really it's just all part of the course of dating. But um you know it it's okay. It's okay. It's it's part of it's part of life. And and just a nice thing to remember about you know being able to say no. Um a nice little expression is saying no to someone else is really saying yes to myself because it's giving you the opportunity to move on. and you know start start a new relationship which hopefully will end in marriage. Um one last thing that I'd like to share which is a nice tip. Um the biggest mistake that boys make um probably at this stage or maybe a little later is where are we holding? And that's like way way way too too much for the girls to hear. Um I I once saw a very cute um um like caption where there was a a boy and a girl sitting, you know, drinking tea together and he says to her, "Hi, my name is Bob. What's yours?" And she's like, "Whoa, that's way too quick." You know, like the boys are always ahead of the girls and um that's just the way it is. Um, so when the boy says, "So where are we holding?" You know, that that that's a big mistake. But even a bigger mistake is for the girl to answer, "I need more time." Because that is so vague for a boy. And that so doesn't tell him anything. what you need to answer and what you should answer because um it's okay to need more time is I just need a few more dates just to feel you know that much more comfortable and ready to go ahead like number the dates I just need a few more dates just to feel ready to move ahead um so that's a very important tip whilst dating at this stage fifth six you know when the boy would want to know where you're holding and at this point you know he's probably already calling you to work out the dates on your own. Um, so there is a lot more communication going on. Um, so that's just something to remember so that you don't fall into those girls that make the biggest mistake in dating. What if the girl is ahead of that concern? Not necessarily. I'm sorry. The question was, what if the girl is ahead of the boy? Um, not necessarily. There are some boys that are, you know, very reserved and take things very, very slow. You know, it's not a black and white. Boys, you know, for the most part, um, boys usually are ahead of the girls, but of course, you're always going to have your yit hakls, your um, few individuals that are different than that. Um, the main thing is to know is that the girl is not jumping to the 20th step, you know, too quickly. You know, you want to make sure that the girl is taking her time step by step and only going to the next step once she feels comfortable on the step that she is. Like a girl, you know, sometimes they really do jump to the 20th step and that's dangerous and it's damaging and it does not build a relationship. The question was if you're if you've dropped the shad and you're setting up the dates yourself, should you still say no in person? I think of course you should say no in person because now you know you're communicating yourselves. Of course this is of course the time that you should say no in person. It's just it's it's just a nicer more ment. Now, obviously, you're not going to tell him what he did wrong and why it's not good because that's painful for a boy unless you know, unless you really really feel that it could help the boy or maybe through the shot, you could say what your reasons are, but only if it's going to help the boy um be a better dator and um ultimately, you know, have a better relationship. But so the question was what if all the five criterias are good and they check off but something's still bothering you in the personality aspect. Um so the five criterias are still in the head stage. So definitely move on because then you're going to move to the heart stage which connects you much much further. Um, if you did the heart stage and you still are not enjoying being with him or enjoying his personality, then yes, then you might want to end it. Um, because the heart stage um what it does is it attracts you closer to each other and it it moves you closer to each other. But after you know opening up your heart and you're still not moved closer together, so then obviously this might not be for you, right? So the question was, you know, if you've said no and and the boy asks you, what could I do better? Um if if it's something concrete that you really think will help for every single girl, a general thing that will help for every single girl. So you know, maybe you can mention it. If you feel uncomfortable, you can mention it to the Shatan. But if it was something specific to you that you just, you know, got nervous from his personality or you got irked from the way something, then it's not going to benefit him in any way. it was just something specific to you. Um, but if it's a general thing that every girl, you know, needs to see in a boy, then that's something that, you know, you could let him know. But I I would probably do it through the um Mrs. Sarrowski is saying like, you know, if a girl feels put on the spot, you can always say, um, I have to think about it. Um, you know, and I'll get back to you. And ideally, you know, the shad should be the one relaying that information. But again, only if it's going to help the boy. If it's not going to help the boy, because, you know, there's no reason really to say it. There's no reason to cause pain. Um, you know, it's only something that's going to be little to Ellis and help the boy date better. So just to recap a little bit um the first series we spoke about the acriman set um the staircase the erasing the image and the trusting yourself trusting your gut. Um here we spoke about the acriman games which were the five good criteria list. Um, so I like to say that if you set yourself up well in the games of life, you will have a wonderful marriage and a wonderful relationship. Um, okay. It was a pleasure spending time with you. Um I want to give everyone a braha that we should see the ba mikdash being built very very soon in our days and u msiah should come and it should be a year of only simas. Thank you. I guess I mean you could write down my phone number. My phone number is 7325342345. Um, you can call or WhatsApp is usually the best. 2345. Thank you, Mrs. Darab Banner. Always a pleasure to have you here and impart your dating advice. It's it's fabulous. And I hope Sashem that uh you'll come back another time. If we have a lot of questions that are coming in hopefully we can address some of those questions at another session and um we should be able to share a lot of su to thank