Rabbi Zuckerman Navigating Through the Dating Process

thank you it's a little bit of pressure there but just to give you just very briefly I aside from the fact that I've been in the zone and I do a lot of speaking I'm also a licensed clinical social worker in private practice I specialize in working with both young adults who are in shadow comm age as well as working with marriages with couples so I have a lot of experience helping people through the dating process which i think is why they asked me to come and share with you tonight so well what I'd like to start with is just some thoughts on on both just socializing and being a social being as well as marriage and then from that let's see what we could extract from it to also think about dating so the house English asks a very interesting question there's a Gomorrah in Chaves the Gemara is well known to everyone it's the story of the non Jew who comes first to shammai he says to Shama I'd like to become a gear on the condition that you teach me the entire Torah while I'm standing on one foot shammai sends him away and he comes to hillo and he makes the same request and Hillel says sure stand up on one foot and he says that Allah Hasani look have really suffered what is hateful to you do not do to your fellow man zuikou litera Kula this is the entirety of the Torah then he says by the way when the non-religious say that over they stop right there but he'll did not stop right there he continued and he said via dopey Russia the rest is commentary Zillmer go out and study and on this the COS aisha asks three tremendous questions he says number one we know Torah it says the Hilma a Luca merits meter or cuff emini young torah is boundless it's it's longer than the land and wider than the sea a person could engage in Torah study ahead reveal Yossef who passed away a number of years ago a hundred years of intense Torah study if we would have come to him the day before he passed and said so you're done he would have said I'm just beginning yet hillo is saying to this person I'm gonna take the whole Torah and I'm gonna summarize it into one sentence how is that even possible and if he's gonna summarize the Torah into something so we know you have been of them or have arrow but they not only welcome you have mistress that are regarding between man and man and between man and wash em and yet Hillel skips out he only gives us one which means we're only getting one which is between man and men what happened to the whole other group of Mitsos that are in the Torah and then if he did give a one-sentence summary of the entirety of Torah so why does he say the either Purusha there's more commentary go study you just told me the whole Torah when I'm standing on one foot I'm done what what why are you telling me that I still need to go and do more so the COS anus says to understand this we have to really understand our purpose in the world and why Hashem set up the world the way it is and really we could ask the question why is it that Hashem created us with a tremendous need for social contact this is so deeply embedded in what it means to be a human being that without the ability to connect with another person we are in deep pain and the obvious proof is if they have a person in Siberia and he's freezing and they're beating him and they're starving him and working him to death and then they want to punish him what do they do to him they put him in solitary confinement because that's a greater punishment that's worse than freezing and starving and beatings and being worked to death the worst thing for a human being is not to have sufficient contact with another human being and if you've ever been lonely then you know the truth of that statement and so the question is if why did I Shem why if a sham made it this way there must be a purpose to it why Hashem could have created us that we never need to encounter another human being a sham could make one planet for each human being Hashem has infinite power he could have created human beings there are many species that never encounter another one of their kind their entire life we could have been planted like seeds in a field from the wind and seeds plant in the field and we'd grow up we mature and we could walk away and do all the mitzvahs why did I shall make us to need human contact so badly says the cause i nish this is a training system for you to serve Hashem the purpose of our being is to serve Hashem what is the essence of serving Hashem the essence of serving a Shem is I want to do a and Hashem says I should do B so I'll set aside what I want and I'll do what he wants okay I'm starving I'm on the highway I don't have any food there's a McDonald's I want to eat Shem says don't eat I'll set aside what I want and I'll do what he wants I'm very thirsty I want a drink I need to make a broth oh I stopped what I want I do what he wants Hashem wanted us to learn how to do that so he put us in a world where we need to interact with other people and the essence of interaction with other people is if I'm gonna we learn this in in kindergarten okay if you're not gonna be nice and you're never gonna share and you're never gonna let somebody else do it you know I can have any friends you're gonna be very lonely since long loneliness is painful we learn to be nice to other people and so it's a constant training program to teach us how to interact with others which teaches us how serve Hashem and with that understanding let's go back to our three questions we asked how could hillo take all of the torah and summarize it in just one statement that's of course he's saying this is the essence of the Torah the essence of the Torah is set aside your will to do his will and the way you're going to learn that is that what's hateful to your fellow man you won't do so you'll learn to set aside your will for someone else's will which will help you serve Hashem and so the second question was don't we need to have Abednego Mahavira Ana Bain Adam lemarchal no we don't because this be another more cavero statement that he made is a vein of the Milano comments it's the understanding of how we get to the bane of the mama calm and then our third questions so if it's everything why do they need anything else because now you know the essence the essence is learn to set aside your will for someone else's we'll see you learn to set aside your will to do our Shems will now what should I set aside to do what what is it you want from me oh that's the commentary go on and study and you'll learn what to do with this essential lesson okay so what I want to take from this again is this idea the concept that we need to as human beings we have a deep need to connect with other human beings okay and really that's the essence of the whole idea of marriage which will elaborate on but the idea is that as a human being in order for me to live a life that's fulfilled I need to be connected with other people and yes to be deeply connected to one other how how far could a person get in such a relationship how far can a person develop a relationship with one significant other I heard a beautiful story for Ruth Ovid goldwasser once it's actually you know you'll excuse me I'm jumping the gun we're talking about dating I'm gonna tell you some Sheva Bravo Tyrel so excuse me but nevertheless it's such a beautiful story that illustrates so profoundly the the how far and how great such a relationship could become I think it's worthwhile hearing the story and if the other Goldwasser connects it to the brothel and Sheva breakfast where we say Aviva a clever shawl and various we wish for the new couple that they should have all these and he says Ava's love so okay we said it they should have a vez oh but sometimes you know it doesn't so we say aqua that's a Brotherhood is a greater connection sometimes it's it's blood is thicker than water and it's such a deep connection and yet sometimes sometimes brothers fight siblings fight we all know that so then we say Vaishali there should be peace but peace sometimes is a cessation of hostilities until I get my energy back so I could fight some more and so therefore we wish them Reyes so what is this Reyes this level of friendship served other Goldwasser Illustrated it with this story the story happened during the Holocaust and there was a camp where they had families were brought there and there were men and women who stayed in separate barracks and one day they the Germans called everyone had to assemble separately men and women and they started calling off a list of names and it was well known in that camp that periodically they would read off a list of names and anyone whose name was called they were that was it it was over and if your name was not called then you were okay they'd leave you in the camp and you were okay and so this fellow is standing there listening to the roll call and as they call the names he he hears I think I may have said this incorrectly let me just make sure I said this right hold on if they called your name okay you'd be okay if they don't call your name you're gone okay did I say that before I said it backwards I apologized I said it backwards okay so if they call your name you're okay if they don't call your name you're in trouble and he hears them call the name unless she SH warts and he knows Schwartz is not here Schwartz is not here they don't they don't realize he's not in the camp today and he realizes in that moment he could save his life all he has to do is step forward pretend he's Schwartz and he's safe and in that instant that he had to make his decision it occurred to him that if he wasn't going to be saved his wife wouldn't either be saved it was families and he said to himself how could I allow her after all our years together and all the difficulties we went through together and everything that we've done together how could I allow her to face this final judgment and she'll come up to sham I am without me I cannot abandon her and he hesitated and did not step forward and the opportunity was lost and they call off their names and his name was not on the list so everyone whose name was called is safe except that day the Germans switched it around to torture the Jews and anyone whose name was called was taken out and as soon as they dismissed them from the assembly he ran out to find his wife and she ran up then and she said you'll never believe what happened but when they were calling the names they called the name of s the quartz man and I knew she wasn't here and I could leave and be okay and then I thought to myself how could I leave my husband and allow him to face this this terrible thing without me and I wouldn't step forward and that said Rob I Goldwasser that's that's a level of connection which exceeds and goes beyond its it's an ability to totally totally set aside yourself to be connected to another person so as a person dates that's the hope right we're going to meet somebody and we're going to have such a perfect connection and it's gonna be so terrific it's gonna be that way forever so one more Toro thought rivers real Tabler of Monte and once heard from him he said over this Isaiah Isaiah says that the the celebration on the night of the Carson of the singing the dancing the joy that the couple feel while they're at this party that provides the spiritual food that the relationship the marriage is yannick it receives its sustenance throughout all the years it comes from the dancing and the singing that took place on the night at econo and yes that's a great question like what is one thing you have to do with the other so we dance so therefore we have along like what that's just one night what what relation does the dancing have to do if it provides the spiritual nourishment for the entire life there must be something here that we're missing just because we dance it means something says rabbi rather a little burr and this is the scary part okay when we get married we have no idea who were marrying okay isn't that great to hear to at a dating event okay but this is the truth and I have to tell it to you like it is when we get married we have no idea who that person is it's impossible for a human being to fully understand and comprehend the absolute amazing complexity of another human being and a couple could be married for thirty years and forty years and fifty years and still discover new things about their partner so to walk into it and think I know them totally and it's gonna be totally okay excuse me but that's ludicrous and it's ludicrous for everyone who's ever gotten married says the zyre that if you celebrate the night at a sauna and you're singing and you're dancing like what are you thinking you have no idea who you're getting how could you celebrate there's only one way that you could be joyous on the night of your car sauna and that is if you recognize Hashem matched me with that person and since I shall matched me with that person that perfectly suited for me and for me to bring out everything I need to bring out and to be everything I need to be oh so you did it on faith you believed in a sham you celebrated you sang you danced you were excited that's the spiritual food that the relationship can nurture itself from for the entire life of course you came with faith in Hashem that he sent me the right one hey and so we have three important points that we were talking about the importance of human connection but human connection merely as a training to teach me how to connect with a sham in other words I'm going to stop looking at it as just my desperate need to be connected to another person but rather it's purposeful there's a goal of my connection it's to teach me and encourage me and helped me develop me to serve Hashem okay so that was number one number two if a person engages in that and truly engages with it they could reach a tremendously beautiful place in a relationship that is so profound it goes beyond imagination to think of such a couple that could have such a profound deep relationship so when I do this and I do it right then I not only have the benefit of growth for the next world but right here I have something beautiful and then to recognize that it's all about Hashem I it's not really me I can't do it and I can't choose it and Hashem is he's the one he loves me he wants the best for me so he wants me to find the right one the one that he already picked out for me before I was even born that person was designated for me I need to find them okay but once I do this I could adjust my thinking because a lot of times when people are dating you know I don't know I have a mind you know it's very common people have ideas of who they're gonna marry and it doesn't make a difference if we talk about personality Tracey gotta have a sense of humor he's got to be like a fun guy and then she marries the most serious guy ever well the guy says only blond hair blue eyes excuse me for focusing on superficialities but it makes it easy to illustrate and you meet that guy and she's brunette with brown eyes I know someone my parents age he grew up in Brooklyn and he didn't draw if he said he's only dating girls from his neighborhood not from Brooklyn only from his neighborhood and he married a girl who lived in Boston hundreds of miles away okay but he was adamant that he didn't drive and he was adamant that he was not going to date anyone outside his neighborhood so we have a list we have a list of requirements a shopping list one second does does he fit the shopping list does she fit the shopping list okay sometimes your shopping list is incorrect because you're not really able sometimes to the CERN what it is that you yourself need and it's a very important point so before we I get into I'm gonna I'm gonna give you some some points about different things but before I do that I just want to mention a couple of things number one I'm speaking to a group I'm not speaking to an individual and I recognize that some of the things I say may very well just say look at man it's like what's this guy talking about he's so off-base because to you it has no relevance okay but I'm speaking to many people so it might have relevance to somebody else and if I say something and it has no relevance to you just throw it out don't worry about it okay sometimes if I say something misil leading to my second point sometimes if I say something and you're so dead sure it has no relevance just if someone says to you hey did you hear when he said such-and-such just reconsider the possibility that it might actually have relevance okay which leads me to my next point and and I really I'm hesitant speaking to people because they're mature adults and I don't want to appear condescending oh I'm telling you something and I'm really just like like I said nobody gets married really knowing the other person I don't know you and I don't know more than you maybe I've been around a few years and I've seen a few things so I could share with you some of the things I've seen but I'm not here as as the expert or a know-it-all or I know better than you I don't but there are a few things that I could share with you that I've encountered that might be useful to you so I want to say that sometimes I've had people who come to see me sometimes they're very wise they're just on the cusp of beginning to date and they come and when I asked them why are you here say listen I'm so I'm gonna be starting to date and I recognize there's something about myself that I know it's not really as it should be and so before they even begin the process and this is true even if you've begun the process if you know something about yourself that's not really as it should be whatever it is it's a good idea before before marriage to work on it too the healthier you are when you date the healthier the people you're going to date and the more likely you're gonna get somebody who's healthy okay there's a sort of a saying what it finds its level people tend to marry someone who has very similar levels as them in many ways and so I don't want to be more specific than that unless you need me to but I'm just saying if there's something about yourself that you're aware of that you need to fix work on it now I want to do give you some hope I already said a few things that I need to help you understand and so you should be hopeful but I do want to share with you I have a daughter who was a counselor in the zone she was in the zone several years that was a number of years ago and then she was older she was dating and she went through a year-and-a-half 18 months that not only did she not have a date she did not have a single suggestion the phone did not ring once there was nothing not zero on the horizon not that we didn't try talking to people whatever 18 months not a call not a suggestion not a date after 18 months we got a call so let me tell you how the call came about I have a sister-in-law she was talking to a friend of hers and her friend said that her friend had a girl had a daughter who went out with a guy in it wasn't there sure though but it was a really good guy she heard about this really good guy and she wishes she could find someone for this guy and my sister one said I have a niece okay so here neither of them knew the guy neither of them my sister-in-law knew my daughter and they made the suggestion and bar Hashem they were married she hadn't gone out in a year and a half and there was a little delay we were going to her just her all I had a quote the shop kind of just well you know know something we're not interested but we're just as you gave us this name we're going away for two weeks so we came back within a month or so after that she was a caller okay so this hope even if it feels so lonely and even if it feels like nothing is happening and even if it feels like it never will happen don't lose hope it could happen in three weeks from now you could be engaged three weeks from now you could be engaged it's possible so never lose hope okay so what is dating about dating is about getting married here's the thing dating is not about dating a lot of times people get so focused on the dating they're just dating today to get engaged no you need a date they I think it's in in in tennis and golf they say follow through on your swing when you swing don't only swing to the point we the you meet the ball but you need to think it and see it all the way through you need to look through dating as dating to marriage I'm dating to marriage so I need to know what's important over there okay it's it's very since I can't pick somebody who I'm gonna know and everything is gonna be okay because it's impossible to do so then I need to keep in mind that what I need is to meet someone that I could marry that we could grow together over the next decades that's the point it's not for here it's for there I often tell people it's funny because I I do marriage counseling as well so it comes up all the time often tell people who are dating said I just want you to know I guarantee you that when you get married as much as you love each other and as happy as you are together he or she is gonna have one thing that they do at least one that will drive you up the wall and as much as you tell them they will not stop and it's not because they don't care they don't love you I've had couples going I can't believe it what's wrong with him right the old toothpaste squeeze it in the middle or the bottom and and the lady looks I mean she says she's he's the guy she looks mean she says I can't believe it I don't know if I want to stay married to a guy who's losing it over a stupid tuba toothpaste right so what's the point the point is not the toothpaste to him you don't love me if you're squeezing it in the middle to her she picks up the toothpaste yeah what do you want from me I'm brushing my teeth I should think about that too what do you want from me now here's the thing the mistake is to think you're not gonna have something like that there is going to be something that could that will drive you up the wall and that's the way I Shemin pen sir welcome to marriage it's a growth opportunity marriage is about personal growth it's not just okay we'll get through the dating got married by ocean and we live happily ever after that's when the real work begins of course if you put in the work you get to what that couple got to Wow that's beautiful that's deep that's meaningful it's worth it but it's not free it's worth it but it's effort and so as you're dating you have to change your outlook in the dating so further to what I said don't expect like you know when you meet the one like all of a sudden the birds are gonna be flying and the harps are gonna be playing in the stars chemistry is overrated okay now let me tell you something you're gonna meet couples that will tell you the first time we met I knew it you're gonna they're not lying but that doesn't mean it has to work that way and it doesn't even mean that people who had chemistry from the beginning will get engaged it doesn't mean they're gonna be married and it doesn't mean they'll be successfully married it doesn't mean not but it doesn't have to be so it's a mistake to say well it can't be the one because I just I'm not feeling I'm not hearing so you're not that's that's not what it's about that's not how you measure whether this person is correct for me okay so if that's the case how do you measure so firstly I like grooving seems Schaffer he puts it he has a book on this also and he puts it really nicely I've heard him lecture also on this and he likes the cool that the paper tests and the Bashara test but nevertheless it has to make sense first of all on paper it has to make sense I was listening to a talk show on the radio someone called in you know I'm a therapist so I listened to the one with the therapy type thing someone calls in and they're married I don't know how many years and they just discovered that that after all these years she she said okay so you know maybe now we're ready to have kids and he said kids I don't want to have kids and they were married like 10 years it's like really you serious that never came up it was never something they discussed okay so they didn't pass the paper test right they didn't they didn't know whether it made sense it has to reasonably make sense there has to be yes where we have similarities we don't have to be exactly alike that's if two people are thinking alike one of them is unnecessary okay so it's good that you have differences and yet not opposites they say opposites attract it's not really true but it is true that people will compensate for other people's things if you have two people let's say who who are very easy to spend they'll never have enough money and the electricity we turn around because they neither of them has the ability to manage money but if you have two people who both are very I don't want to say cheap because that's not nice right but if you have two people that that both manage their money that very conservative thank you for the word they're very conservative they'll never have enough the kids will always be saying but my need I mean and they do and the kids will not have enough so too much overlap sometimes but which quality should overlap chilling overlap again you're trying to be God but human being cannot fully comprehend and encounters another human being you don't even understand yourself fully ever how will you possibly understand another person and then see oh these overlaps are good and these aren't doesn't make any sense it's impossible to do it that way so you have to do it a different way what you need is a that it makes sense on paper when we look it over when we think of it logically it makes sense and then you date the person and you could be comfortable with them it doesn't have to be all sorts of chemistry and whatever but it I could feel comfortable with them I could see I could talk to them when we talk it's comfortable doesn't have to be that I'm looking at what you know what till when can I oh I'm gonna see her again it doesn't have to be like that that's not necessary but just that you feel comfortable around the person and you could see the possibility of growing together because that's what it's gonna take anyway and then it could be okay now what if you're not sure so if you're not sure you need to talk it over with somebody else so here I'm sorry if I'm gonna sound if you think this is kind of sending so but I'm sorry because I really have to tell to you the way it is if you go to talk it over with your friend whether your friend is single whether they're already married four years okay they don't really necessarily and sometimes it happens sometimes that you have someone like that that can help you but usually someone like that is not in a position to help you with this dilemma it's not a knock at them the truth is that some people let's say you haven't seen who's older so what maybe they only went out with one person or with five people how could they answer for me it's not because they did everything that you're doing you want to talk it over with someone who has been around a while who has some wisdom preferably they've already talked to other people preferably they actually know you you do better speaking it over with a mentor of some sort that already has a relationship with you and know something about you but when you encounter someone that has been seasoned by life even if not necessarily in your particular area and they're also working with people who are doing this they are better positioned to help you that's not a knock your friend who's married for years maybe very happily and cannot see you together I have to tell you my personal thing when I dated my wife I only knew one other person who knew both of us my best friend was married already almost a year no less than that and his wife was in my wife's class throughout from kindergarten through the end of high school and my friend and I was so tight we spent tons of time together so she had from the time she got engaged she knew me already and I went over to her and I did not tell her that we're dating and were soon gonna be engaged and I just asked her about I said could I run a name by you and I said the name and this is what she said to me I'll never forget it she said it exactly like this not for you not for you okay it's 32 years later Baruch Hashem we have the I in her the a very good marriage so and but she knew she knew it wasn't for us right so how did she know she didn't know I I have no IDE no Tainan her I had no time on her then I have no time on her now okay and what was I really looking for I didn't even know what I was looking for I already knew that we were pretty much getting engaged I don't know what I was looking for so whatever but sometimes someone with one word breaks her Shiva that could have been a great Shiva and they don't they mean well a lot of times she didn't say it to me to be me if I would have prefaced it by saying I was dating her I doubt she would have said anything she happens to be a nice person and a smart person she wouldn't have said anything she didn't know I was dating her so she said it I could see why she would think that we didn't fit together I'm an outgoing talkative person my wife even more so than was very quiet and introverted so you know yeah if this guy is loud and he's making old noise and making trouble and you know you have this nice girl in that but she fell in what could I tell you but that's what happened that's what happened and that's where the opposite thing comes into play so here's the thing I've already longer than I really expected to I do have some tips on actual the date part itself I'm gonna give you two choices either I could speak some more or I could stop and we could do question and answer so I'm really putting it up to to either you or the participants however you'd like to do it okay take some tips okay anybody I I'm a professor so I teach the classes with men and women and studies show that men will always jump in first if if a teacher wants to get feedback even in public schools if they want to get feedback from the girls they need to wait an extra beat okay it's it's it's a an observation of reality backed by research okay so it's just a reality so okay okay okay so just very briefly I'll go through a few points very briefly okay so number one I that any activity I'm gonna talk a little bit faster now if I speak too fast just you know motion to me I'll slow down okay I believe that any activity you can engage and if you're going to be successful you need to know what the goal is what is the goal if I don't know the goal I cannot be successful okay what is the goal of a date so the goal of a date is to allow the other person to get to know me and allow and I get to know them that's it I'm gonna know a little bit more when the date is over I will know some more about them they will know some more about me as we get further into the dating for the dates in then we it deepens a little but at least initially for sure it's very simple I want to find out somewhat about them and I want them to find out somewhat about me therefore in doing that now I'm going to just give you some nitty-gritty things so don't over share and don't be too quiet so if I'm talking to you and your son who tends to be very talkative like me then I'm telling you that when someone asks you something try to down to a sentence initially and then if they appear to be interested you can give them a little bit more but if you're the type of person that generally when people talk to you it's like pulling teeth or you get very nervous and then you get clammed up then I'm telling you think in terms of a paragraph if the person asks you a question paragraph is three sentences I've taught high school English three to four sentences try to give them a few sentences now here's what's gonna happen if you're the type of person that tends to talk a lot when I told you to think of one sentence it'll come out as two or three it'll be beautiful and if you're the type of person that tends to give the one-word answers and I told you a paragraph you'll get at least the sentence and it'll work okay but it's very important to know yourself and then push yourself because remember the goal the goal is that they will get to know me and I'm gonna get to know them and I can't they can't achieve that they're not going to be satisfied with a date if they came out of it and all I did was a monologue about how whatever either the thing I'm interested in or how great I am right so it's not gonna work and vice versa if the person is done with the date and I don't want I've had complaints from girls that guys do either one of these I've had complaints from guys that girls do one of these this is not gender-based this is personality based so whichever personality you are know yourself push yourself ask open-ended questions I'm sure you've heard it before opening the questions are questions that cannot be answered with one one word yes No do you like school yes no what is it about school that you like okay what's your favorite part of going to school what did you hate most about going to school it's much more difficult to answer those with one word and they tend to draw more information the conversation flow so it's more comfortable and you actually got to know something about the other party okay follow-up questions when someone said something and it's interesting to you so look at it as interesting even if it seemed a little bit surprising or shocking that someone would actually say that just view it as interest thing and then ask a further question you may find you misunderstood the first part someone expressed themselves in a way that is not aligned with the way you would express yourself and so you got the impression of a when in actuality it was be okay if they ask you something that sounded totally like way out there crazy don't respond before you clarify with a question like exactly what they're looking for a guy told me he was on a date and the girl asked him to say over his Bar Mitzvah speech okay she wanted to know if he said her laughs hi him now I don't know I wasn't on the date either the girl is really far out there something's wrong or he didn't really understand what she wanted I don't know I don't know but have he asked her a follow-up question there wouldn't be any doubt he could say this girl is Wu or he could say wow that was funny it would be a funny story that they could tell their grandkids how he thought she was asking for his Chapel I don't know okay what if you have something that is difficult information that you're really have been told that you need to share it with the other party okay so here's the thing I'm not passing any Shiloh's over here but I want you to understand how this works sometimes when someone has dated a while and they have this thing and whenever they say it it breaks things off then they say next time I just want to tell the person in beforehand big mistake very wrong to not tell it at all very wrong big mistake however if you reveal that piece of information so what I'm gonna fool them I'm fooling him I'm fooling her you're being unfair if you drop that nugget in the first state because they have no context in which to put it and it's obviously it's something important that needs to be shared but first give them something - oh okay so overall she's like this but there's also this overall he's like that does holes so there's something to contain it with initially if that's the only piece of information have of course not but there may be other information that's important and you've now destroyed the other person's ability to actually find out about you and you're very special you're very special and you've now created a situation where the other person is not going to have the opportunity to realistically make a decision because you've revealed something before there was enough fear to allow for it to be revealed to not reveal is absolutely wrong and I've I've dealt with the fallout of that and the end of the story is that there's a get because somebody thought they were being smart when somebody gets into a marriage if they knew beforehand and they were able to see the person and say well you know this person is very special yes there's this challenge I'm willing to stretch myself and work with them because of all the rest then even when it gets rough they say okay but this is what I signed up for I realized we have this thing and I signed up for it if someone gets blindsided aside from the fact that they're no longer willing to even consider working on this thing right there's no trust anymore and a marriage is based on trust if they can't trust you then they can't trust anything then it's over okay so again if there's something that you're aware of that you need to share with the other party don't take whatever I just said as being either your Hydra or halacha or yashka for anything talk that's when you must talk it over with someone who could tell you what to do this is I'm talking to a massive people not to an individual however the idea behind it I'd like you to understand is again that you need to let people have context in which they could understand it but make sure that they have the information early enough in the process so that they can decide for themselves rather than this stuck so what happens if you've been dating a long time and it hasn't been going so that's very difficult and I feel for you because aside from the loneliness there's so there's a little bit of difficulty and you start feeling the spearing and will it ever happen and won't it ever happen and and it becomes it becomes very difficult I'll give you some thoughts on it but even as I say these thoughts I'm just pointing out to you I'm not I'm not trying to negate or dismiss any pain that you're feeling it is it's difficult it's a difficult parsha to go through but nevertheless some some ideas some thoughts that you could use to recognize we're not in control if we're gonna be successful at this it's totally on hashem schedule in hashem sense it's not we we know as I said in the beginning we're not able to choose and to know anything so then clearly we have to be relying on him and if we're relying on him then we have to say Hashem has this plan and I don't know why it is but this is what I'm faced with someone had equipped they said that it worked for them the first 99 are just practice okay so that way when you get there no okay so what so what and so it actually told me that they it was close right so the first 99 will practice okay and then you could look at it as each encounter brought you one closer to the one that you have to see and that's true whether you actually dated the person whether you never dated them but you you had to go through checking the information or even an idea that came up and you never saw them nobody says that it has to be that you actually went on a date to get through whatever number are shem has in mind for you before you find the right one but if it happens you know and and you did get that that no and you thought that maybe there was a reason why this time it should have been a yes and or that you wanted or you thought or whatever so then to just tell yourself okay but at least I'm one closer I'm one closer to the end whatever that number is I've gotten through one more I'm one closer and and so it leads you to this difficult place where each time that you begin you have to be hopeful that you have to go out with this one when I choose to go out with this one it's because I believe that this one can be the one even as I recognize it may not be it's a difficult place to keep you have to stay hopeful if you become cynical then it's very bad and very difficult and very frankly it's difficult to be attracted to someone who's cynical so if you're cynical then then it's just that much more difficult for the other person to appreciate everything about you and who you are so it masks all that specialness that's within you within everybody every human being has has so much in them and when you're cynical the other person can't see it it doesn't mean it's not there but if they can't see it they can't be attracted to it it can't go through so it's very important not to become cynical and then I'll just end with one I will say also that if there ever is a need to give a know let the person down easy you don't like getting a no so if you do need to give a now make sure that you handle the person in the same way you would want to be handled if you were getting to know and finally I'll say one other thought which is not directly related to the dating but this happens sometimes when you have somebody they've been dating a while and they haven't yet been so eager to find the right person and their life is somewhat in a holding pattern so they were going to go terror to strobe I'm not going because maybe you know and this comes about but maybe but maybe it is very important that you continue to live your life it is very important that you continue to enjoy life it's very important that you continue to grow if you're gonna put yourself in a holding pattern you're gonna stagnate you're not gonna grow and aside from the fact it's gonna make you more unhappy it makes the dating process more difficult and it will also take away opportunities that you would have had you took avene who couldn't could get married the left of Arcada because he had to develop himself to that level where he was right that he was worthy that he was on a level that he matched rifka before the iCade that he couldn't have married rifki cause he wasn't hers if ik he didn't match who she was it's important to continue to grow and I want to just tell you on Rosh Hashanah in the zone when I said this rabbi Davidowitz who was sitting next to me if you know him from from the zone and Rabbi Davidowitz said over that he went out with a girl and he really liked her and she said he was way too quiet and you know Rubby the video what's he's very public but he's very quiet there's a part of him that's very he doesn't push himself forward and and the girl just and he said to the shotgun tell her I'll go out with her again I'm gonna I'm gonna make mice I'm gonna bring my son didn't happen several years passed and he was ready shut up and the girl didn't realize it was him so she said yes to the sugar huh and then realized that it was him but it was already was embarrassing so they went out that's mrs. Davitt awaits okay that's who he's married to for decades Atkin ina her they raised a beautiful family together if you know them they're an extremely close warm connected couple but the first time that she met him it wasn't for her now here's the interesting thing when he said this he said the following in between in those years I started a yeshiva I was working with boys I had to talk to parents I became a different person it wasn't that she missed the boat he really didn't match her the first time around he was too quiet for her but he continued to live and he grew into the person that was a perfect match for her so everything else was good now he had that outgoingness to him that she could appreciate and they lived they got married they live happily after Barbra Jean so don't stop living don't put yourself in a holding pattern continue to live and a chef should help that you should all be safer to find your right civic Booker oven you should of happy healthy lives