Shmorg 7: Fiveish Comedy Mix

[Music] the best part of a family trip is spending time with a kinder lock and a Nicole och now let's talk about family who had the tallest family tree in history come on humbugs grandson put out a CD about his grandfather's death you know do you know what he called it when Zadie was hung someone actually has President Obama how can you be present if you haven't released your birth certificate the president answered I'm not the first leader that didn't show their birth certificate you know who is the first person not to show it Astrea Malcolm knowledgeable man Obama is that reminds me of another perm joke you know why is the Shabbos before poor him called Shabbos sucker you know why cuz it's the last thing you'll remember for a long time [Applause] thank you so much New York I love you thank you thank oak Chi cago thank you thank you Chicago let me tell you the story of Pesach Pesach was that's a ridiculous thing I've ever heard Wow I'm telling I'll explain he wasn't the whole suka but but he was part of a second you know paisa and his brothers became the walls of a circle the smother that the smartest brother became the misery font and the dumbest brother had no choice but to be the doorway because because he was missing screws that's why now pacer felt very bad for his stupid brother he told his smart brother let's dive in to a Shem that our stupid brother should get some brains because you know before we start diving though we should we should rip our shirt and Pesach smart brother [ __ ] why should I rip our shirt we're not diving and got the coital well we're not diving at the castle but we're topping with for the Kaiser yeah a few minutes later pay sucks father ran into the sukkah and said I'm warning you boys you better not rip your shirts they cost a lot of money Pesach was shocked he said oh how do you know we were planning on ripping our shirts faceless father winked and said you know what they say their walls have ears regarding Shabbos food drove the other day someone came to me with four shila's about Chavez food feed he asked me since five ish I always want them which type of vine I should use for kiddush I said not so simple it's my focus between Rashi in the Pertamina he asked me a second question there are so many different kinds of fish in the ocean how does the fisherman know which fish he fills the fish I said the gefilte fish are very easy to spot there are the only fish that swim around here with a carrot on the head and I look them for the big effect a treatise on such fibers what came first the chicken or the egg I said of course the chicken came first you know why because the chicken came a Friday night bought the egg didn't come until Shabbos Monday then ask me a fool question Cassius he's at fivers I always wondered about the meat in the tongue the Franken I know that Franken comes from a cow but I don't know which part of the cow the Franken is from I said it's right next to the Kiska you can touch me I know my beans I am very good with predictions okay I don't know if you know that about me I am an excellent predictor I am a prognosticator par excellence I can predict anything in 2016 there will be elections in America that's not my prediction that's that's a fad but you know which party is gonna win a Kashmiri oceans party and they you know why after swimmers will win because he has a great slogan tired of the Tea Party try the wine party President Bush he was a mun who he made the first Konica party in the White House you know President Obama you know made the first cedar Pesach Seder in the White House President Africa Roche will make the first Purim soda in the White House and and president housewares will get so drunk they won't be able tell the difference between our Osama and Barack Obama every purchase FEMA give us I've been water line and go do after he died water fairy it's very important to have a bait house - you know I'm saying the reason is because you kids work too hard if you don't have a way to release the energy budgets it's not giant or as we say she was just wrapped you can plug without an outlet either chill out or burn out you know I'm saying you know mice is nowadays is becoming very high-tech you know you come on shots on a Kindle and that's your masseur man well whatever you want however this is the problem if you take away your shield about his hands my sir he won't be able to work myself that means although Tory can be high-tech it will never be hands-free that reminds me of a joke by the way I was about to leave but I remember this is one more joke how do you kill you she wishes flies what with your Shiva charade okay thanks let's let's let's truly talk about mitzvos you know what when my when my dog turned thirteen you know he got a bark Mitzvah when my cat forgot he was very jealous so he made him a instead of instead of raining cats and dogs it was laning cats and dogs particularly you know just meant a lot to everyone you know but no one had more not us then then dr. Seuss I mean for the first time my cat was actually in a hat at the park and you know the tachi dog got up to speak you know what he said he said you know it feels like yesterday we were at his bris we are now at his Bar Mitzvah and before you know it we'll be headed off ruff ruff ruff at his bris of course we did named him Khalif after his grandfather Kenneth you know Burke Hashem he's living up to his name I wish I could take credit for his [ __ ] you know but I haven't I have nothing to do with his success you know the real credit goes to my sugar my sugar sets an example about how to act like a real dog [Applause] [Music] Berto Hashem you know we're privileged to have Cthulhu unlike the wise men of town you know igudala have real solutions to our problems but but let me talk a little bit about the wise men at home everybody's favorite comers you know there was a marrow had a big problem arrows house had a tiny hole in the in the roof you know every time it rained drops of water would drip into his house oh sheesh Merrill that's the Wiseman of hell Wiseman of helm what should I do about the leak Wiseman said I'll tell you what to do you remove the roof once the roof is removed I promise you it will never leak again oh there was another guy over the encou his name was Beryl he was very absent-minded he was always forget you know before Shabbos to shut off his alarm clock and and while the alarm clock would ring the whole Shabbos his family want to be able to sleep so it was a big it was a big problem so he went to the Weizmann have come he said Wiseman of Callum what should I do the Wiseman told them you find somebody with a very loud voice that can drown out the sound of the alarm clock and have this guy scream on top of his lungs as long as your friend is screaming you'll never hear the alarm clock there was once a gas shortage in the village of Helmand because of the shortage aligned for gas was 10 I was long Asha marrow had just filled up his car and he drove out of the gas station however instead of heading home he went right back to the Andorran after he filled up already and he went back to the line you understand so so his friend Beryl asked him he said snap oh I don't understand you just filled up your tank you already beyond empty just melt explain listen very closely it's true that right now I'm on full but by the time I get back to the gas station I'll be identity again silly man so one time smell was driving on the highway when he got a flat tire he didn't what to do so he called triple-a the operator told him listen the first thing you have to do is you got to pull over to the shoulder you got to be safe safety first and once you're on the shoulder you should turn on your blinkers are your pork blinkers still working such douche Merrill says yes they are no no they're not yes no yes no oh they are I'll see you next time thank you thank you oh it's wonderful to be here thank you so much I was by someone else's rush to shine tonight yeah and saw a lot of see my name on the table there was an apple and there was a pomegranate a brand-new tire for his car I I told my host what I understand the Apple I understand the pomegranate but why do you have a tire he told me he told me every Rosh Hashana I put a brand new tire on the table it's a sinner that I should have a good year on the subject of car you know now that we're talking about them what is the difference between a horse and a car one is a Ford and one is a farad there was once a horse that became very sick that the farmer took his horse - the horse doctor of course the horse doctor's name was the horse doctor's name was was dr. Seuss and dr. Seuss a look at the horse until the farmer Don's money yeah house is in stable condition that's all for me tonight thank you so much take you've been great I love you New York [Music] [Applause] and safer schmoes you know we're reading safer sham O's and we read all about them it's surreal you know the mystery parents they were very liberal when it came to thinner they let their kids do whatever whatever they wanted but the only thing they were Mach went on was water fights in you know either mitts three and we're so Mac but on water fights because they were afraid it would turn bloody after we landed we began counting down the days until Cibola cetera and and after counting Spira a guy I know goes over his wife and he asked her what's for supper tonight and she says well last night was meatballs and spaghetti balls out tore up all the sick people got healed so many you didn't actually got better you know if they started calling it they could out of the car get Mount Sinai Hospital but it only works you know this whole Kabbalah cetera Mount Sinai Hospital thing if you took the full dose if you wanted to get healed you have to take two tablets [Applause] [Music] check out this story okay this is what happened true story what happened when I applied for Obamacare okay thank you for calling Obamacare what's your name sir my name is five ish do you have an English name sir yeah sure my my English name is is Bill are you married sir well I'm not a single the following question is optional what basically are you white or black I'm not white I'm not black I'm green how old are you sir who said I'm old I'm actually brand-new I just came off the printer this morning where were you born after us mints if you're an American then what are you doing in a Chinese auction oh well I was born in America but my costume was made in China did it I've done what what did you say I can't hear you the reception is terrible well I'm not known for the reception I'm known for the [Applause] coming soon to a mailbox near you there sure gets awesome this year check it out kinder lock convinced your parents - what