Parshat Chayei Sarah: A Lesson in Marriage - Rabbi David Kaplan

[Music] All right. So, uh, let me just do let's, uh, I'm skipping. I just want to show you one last, uh, one last point. Okay. Sorry, we had gone into this whole shak over here, uh, uh, of of Yitzk and Rifka. Eleazar and Rifka. I want to show you two, uh, I show you two points here. Uh, Eleazar negotiates with them. So, he makes this uh, he makes his pitch and then it says uh, and three lines from the bottom on 116. page 116. It's obviously divinely orchestrated over here. We can't say anything bad or good. Here's her and go. She should be a wife. So, what's Alazar's reaction now that the deal is completed? They've given their approval. Now, this is one of the things I I I think that this is one of one of the funniest things that I've ever seen in to in the Torah itself, right? It's not meant to be funny, but I I find it very humorous. When he heard their words, he bows down takes out silver and gold and precious silver and gold and garments. He gives to Rifka. Now, you're the father and the brother. What are you expecting at this point? Ho ho ho. Out comes the gold, right? Gave them some fresh fruit from [Laughter] Israel. Means he gave them says where is where say he saysdos per shall guide them some fruit. You know here's gold silver there. I'm said hey and for the father-in-law and the brother-in-law here we go. and he pulled out some figs from Israel with a pomegranate. You know, you know, it wasn't quite what they were expecting. Okay. So, then there's a lastm minute delay. There's a last minute delay. And they say, "All right, you know, uh maybe she should stay a little longer." Apparently, they weren't happy on the settlement. So, now pick it up in Pik Nun right in the middle of the page. If you find it, please show the person next to you. It's about eight lines from the top. Vomra, they say, "All right, Nikra, let's call the young lady." Venah let's ask her let's ask her what she thinks. So uh one of the commentaries points out why does it say venah which literally means what? Ask her mouth. Literally means let's ask her mouth which is just an expression. It means ask her. But it could have just as easily said let's call the young lady venisha and ask her. Why do you have to those words seem to be redundant. So the words come out just directly from her. Okay. Okay. Okay. Could be Venicia Lespia. Let's ask her, you know, let's ask her what she has to say as opposed to getting it from from from one of her messengers or somebody like that. That could not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Very good. Um, so I saw one of the commenters actually says, you know, by women by women sometimes women women have been known to say one thing and mean something else. Mr. Fogle laughs. That's the laugh of confident experience. All right. the the uh you know women women have been known. So you might have a you know you might have a you might have a situation. Let's say for example it's Thursday night it's air of shabas and uh you know you got guests coming and you get a phone call. This has happened to me. It's happened to many others who have managed to survive this. You get a phone call late Thursday night. You know you're a young guy. Uh we rented a gym. We have nine guys. We did a tenth man for a minion. We have a five on five basketball game. And the husband puts down the mop and says his wife starts grabbing his do you mind if I go out and play basketball with the guys? And the wife says I don't mind at all. Now that's a nisha. Now what did she mean? Right. What she meant is what she meant is you are far better off skydiving without a parachute than going to play basketball with the guys. Right? That will be much less much less painful if you skydive without a parachute. Death is imminent. And I suggest you do it that way. That's what she meant, right? That's that's that's what she meant when that's what she meant when she said when she said that. That's what she meant. Now, sometimes the wife says yes. You know, somebody she says yes, you could go or no, don't go. That sort of thing, right? Do you mind if we don't go out for the anniversary this year? This year, no, I don't mind at all. Right? That means you are within an inch of your life right now. That's what it means. Now here you got a problem cuz they'll say to Rifka, you know, do you want to go with this ma'am? She'll say yes. And then love, the con artist is going to come out. Well, you know, she said yes, but she obviously meant no, but you know, we all heard that, you know. So they say, you know, make a deal. Nisha Espia, whatever comes out of her mouth, that's it. No, don't. Without Rashi, without Rashi over here, we don't no don't don't don't start saying don't start giving me the thumb in she started fetching and twisting and everything else. Forget about it. You know, whatever she says, that's the deal. And when you're dealing with a guy like Loving, did I tell you why his name is Loving? By the way, I tell you why his name. The word love one means what? White. White. White. Purity. Right. Here's a brother. That's interesting. You got the guy who's the biggest con artist anywhere in the Torah. And his name is Lavan, right? Which is already an indication of who the man is. That that itself is a con. Wait, what? His name is Lavan. Okay. Loving means white. It's like the bad guy in the movie dressed in white. And you never ever I think they had, you know, you know, they have these cowboy movies where where the good guy dresses in black and the bad guy dresses in white. You're all confused once I go because white is always the good guy. Black is black. The guy's name is al always blacky. You know, he's the he's he's he's the bad guy and he's the good guy. Love on the name love on is really an indication of the essence of the man. That means that his whole essence is an essence of putting on. He's a con artist. He's the ultimate con artist. And even his name is a con, right? I love it. I'm pure. I'm clean. More than that, white at a deeper level, when something is white, take take a piece of paper. A piece of paper that's white means all possibilities are open. What are you going to do? What are you going to do on this white piece of paper? You got a white background. What are you going to do on it? You could you could do you draw a picture. You could you could you could you could you could write a contract. You could do anything with it. Love on means that even when you've closed the deal with this guy, it's all still way wide open. It's wide open there. There there's plenty of room for there's plenty of room for negotiation, manipulation, and cheating. It's never closed with him. It's always white. That's what that's what the name means. So, knowing his customer says, let's ask her there. No kids leg. Whatever she says goes. Okay. No. Uh um um she she says, "I'm going." And she says very clearly, "I'm going." And Rashi says, "Whether you like it or not, I'm going I'm going with this man. I'm going to marry you." And and and then go to the next page. And here you're going to have a a a fundamental a fundamental lesson in marriage. It was her brother that was saying that. Yes. Love and Basil. Basil actually is taken out of the picture. Rashi says that at a certain point, Basil tried poisoning Eleazar. you're poisoning the food and the malik came and switched the food to Basul. Basul ate his own food. uh yada that he died cuz we see that all along he was there uh all along he was there figured he's rich you know just poison him and keep the money right now and so he was trying to get and he was trying to interfere and and so he poisoned the food the med says and the malik came switched around the plates bisul ate his own food and he died and that's why you find love doing the negotiating at the end he's a is a brother to love basil is the father of loan bis is a father of love and I mean basil himself is is something of a rat uh The medish says that Basul was the king of this. He was the ruler of this region and he had a habit that every young lady before she got married she had to live with him and she had to live with him which is something that we find also kanek that was one of the Greek decrees that a young lady who's mar who's who's engaged young lady who's who's who's betrod an arusa which means she's essentially a married woman she doesn't have living with her husband before she can live with her husband she has to live with the the local governor now this is not just a result of of of of simple uh uh uh immorality. I mean why is he picking specifically a betrothed young lady? It's a way of dominating people. You see you see when you when when normal under normal circumstances the husband wife relationship the husband is husband rules over his wife to certain extent and there's a certain relationship this prevents a the relationship from being what it could have been and b it gives you control. I'm in charge of everybody here. You know even your wife you own nothing. You don't even own your wife. I own your wife right? I own your I own everybody here. And the word bisuel is is is very closely rooted to the Hebrew word bisula. A basis is a virgin. And that was one of his one of his bad meos. You know, the man needed needed to work on his meos a little bit. So basula is a rat from the from the get-go. Now he goes and he tries to tries to poison Elzar, which which reminds me of the story I was once reading. There was a guy from the territories here in Israel who was driving through, you know, out in the territories and some Arabs up on a hill started pelting his car with with with stones with rocks. And so guy got he stopped his car, he got out of his car and he shot a warning shot in the air, but apparently his warning shot was a little too much of a warning. It hit one of the Arabs between the eyes and it killed him. So he was arrested. Okay, that was an item I read in this video. You can't go around shooting people. It was the law. I mean, you know, it's ridiculous. They're trying to kill you and still can't shoot them. So, the guy got he got arrested because he shot. Okay. A week later, I was eating breakfast. I'm in the middle of drinking coffee. I'm reading the news that the from newspaper. I'm looking and I see an item in the corner. It says that this guy has been released by the police. It was very strange. Within a week, a guy's released. It's a pretty severe thing. Then I look at the item and what had happened was they found that it wasn't his bullet that killed this this Arab. This Arab had thrown the rock, hit the speeding tire and flew right back at the guy who threw it and hit him right in the eye right in the forehead and killed him. Right. The uh the the best shot since David killed Goliath, you know, right there. The best shot on a bed with a rock in the forehead of a Palestinian. You believe such? You could have done it if you wanted to. You could you couldn't you could have hit the tire and you could have hit it at that angle. You could have done it in a million years. You couldn't done it. But Reonalam reonam is not limited by odds. Right? So here's Bisuel. Here's Bouel who he's trying to kill him and it's his very own poison that ends up killing him. Now watch this gentleman. Uh take a look at it's five lines from the top. says the the the slave uh tells everything that he did. Uh Rashi says over here I think that he that that the miracles that happened to him that Rifka came through his and the water the and then brings her into the tent of S his mother. She becomes a wife and he loves her. like then he is comforted after his mother. Now I want you to see Rashi over here. There are three very important points here. Take a look at Rashi. Um it's the right column seven lines from the top. Right column seven lines from the top. So Rashi says brings her into the tent of S's mother. Now pay attention very carefully to this Rashi. If if you found it, please show the person next to you. He says like this brings her into the tent and behold she is his mother S. What does that mean? She becomes similar to Sorrow as long as Sor was alive. The candle burnt miraculously from Shabas to Shabasa. The dough was blessed. Guess it was bros or there it provided uh abundance in a blessed way. The kosher al there's a cloud over the tent a cloud of glory. When Sarenu died these things terminated when Rifka came back when Rivka came in they returned a faximile of Sarenu. Sora was there and there was all sorts of blessing miracles of blessing. She died it left. Rifka comes in and it returns. Okay. Now you'll notice first of all that being the case that being the case now we understand the next take a look at the very next back in the text brings her into the tent of Sor his mother. Now why does it say we know we're talking about Rifka? It just said he brought her into the tent and he took Rifka and she became his wife. I don't understand why it should say he brought her into the tent. And what's the logical next line should say and she became his wife. Why does they have to tell her a name? We know that's what we're talking about all along, right? What do you think the Torah is telling you over here? It's not actually Sarah. That's right. That's right. She's like Sarah. Don't make the mistake your wife is not your mother. Wife is not your mother. She's an individual. That means many and and this is the the the one of the one of the biggest mistakes. You'll you'll only mistake this mistake once, gentlemen. You'll make it, but you'll only make it once. Where you tell your wife or your wife does something, you say, "Well, oh, but the way my mother did does it or the way my mother makes it or my mother never put raisins in or my mother always put raisins in." You're going to make that mistake and you're going to make it once, right? Because the wife is not your mother. Well, I'm not your mother, right? And and she's gonna she's going to do it her way. And everybody else say, "Yeah, she's just like Sara." But the Torah says, "Hey, but she's not sorry. She's an individual. She's Rifka." Number one. Number two. Number two. Um, you'll notice the order. Look at the order. And there goes Hollywood is Hollywood would never go for this. Hollywood would never go for this. This there go all the novels in all of Hollywood at all. The entire Western concept of romance is out to withdo. Yitzk takes her as a wife and then he loves her. Doesn't say he loved her and then he took her as a wife. takes her as a wife and then he loves her. It's all right there, gentlemen. That's the whole story right there. It's the whole story right there. That means anything before marriage is absolutely artificial. Before marriage, you can't possibly love somebody because love is a result of investing in another person. Love is a result of giving to another person. There is selflove and that is what the society that is what the society around us calls love. That's a self-love. It's like the same guy who says, "I love fish." Right? If you love fish, why are you biting it? Right? The answer is that you don't. I love steak. If you love steak, why are you stabbing it and ripping it apart with your teeth? The answer is you don't love steak. You love yourself. You love yourself. And one of the things you do to provide when you love yourself is you eat steak. Because that's self-love. When you love a person, the reason you love a person is because of investing in that person. I'll prove it to you. I'll prove it to you. Uh uh there are people who have people have a natural desire to have children. What do you want children for? What do you have children can do to you? What do you want children for? Children, you know, I had a guy once here in the Yeshiva. It was terrible. Guy says to me he doesn't want to ever have children. Said, "Why not?" He said, "They're dirty. They're riddled with bugs and disease." And he said, "Who needs it?" You know, I hope he got his act together. I haven't seen him in about 25 years. I mean, children are little, you know, the little buggers could drive you crazy, right? So, so uh uh uh the answer is because people have a need to give. People who don't have children have a dog. My wife and my wife and son were in America. They said they were walking. They were in Phoenix. They saw an elderly couple pushing a baby carriage. All of a sudden, a dog pops his head out of the baby carriage. There's a dog. Dog, you know, you desire dog. You know, you need you need somebody to give to. So when you give the love is a result of you seeing yourself in somebody else. You can't possibly love somebody before you marry them because you you may love yourself and you look at this verse and say, "Wow, if I marry her, everybody's going to be so impressed because she's so attractive and she's so clever and she's so witty." That means you love yourself. You don't love her. You love you love what she could do for you. That's not love. That's not love. That's selflove. To love her means you've given to her. You've invested her. you've had the patience to listen to her. Yeah. That, you know, that's that's what real love is. So, so when when Yetsuk loves Rifka, first he marries her, then he loves her. Then Yet loves her. Now, uh I'll prove it to you. If you imagine you're driving, you see a car accident and you race out of your car, there's somebody there, you put you put them in your car and and and and and you race them down to the hospital, right? And you you you race him down to the hospital. The guy's name is The guy's name is uh Michael Smith. And you write you you race him down to the hospital. Okay. The whole rest of the day, you drop off at the emergency room. Then you got to go to work. What's going to be buzzing around in your head? I wonder how Michael Smith is doing. Okay. So, you call up the hospital. The man was brought in. How's he doing? Understand there are a lot of accidents in America in the course of the day. a lot of strangers who are in that. Why don't you call up at every murder? How are all the accident victims doing today? But you're not you're only interested in Michael Smith. Why? Because you're in him. You invested yourself in him. And everybody loves themselves. Everybody loves themselves. And therefore, when you invest yourself in somebody else, the reason you love them is because you've invested of yourself in that person. And therefore, the definition, the Torah definition of love is going to be what? by giving to somebody else. That's what creates the love as opposed to taking which does not create love. Taking creates a 50 a 50% divorce rate. That's the that's the that's the difference. Um Okay. Yes. The two when he engaged girls, would he have relations with them or Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you know they didn't play Scrabble, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was he was not show as they say. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Uh, and that was a way of dominating that. That's what the Greeks did to the Jewish people. Why were I mean that what a strange decree of all people. I mean, that's to make a decree against all the women. Why is it specifically the betrothed women? Because you're showing you there's none of you have any control over anything. I'm the one in control here. That that was the idea. Okay. [Music]