Podcast #2 How to Get Along With your Parents with "Ezzi" Hirsch

hey guys I'm here with a very good friend of mine house real Hersh this guy is the bomb he's full of energy it's Viera he's got talent and he's my boy he's my boys as real Hersh is an amazing person one thing that really stands out about us real is that you are very personable you're genuine I feel that when I'm talking to you you're listening how did you get that meda how did you develop that how did it come it doesn't come naturally just listener like you are one of the best of you I just I see it you know guys they connect to you you're like a magnet people love you first off that's a tremendous compliment yeah thank you very much brother I think I think I don't know what I'm gonna start giving like Okies but for me what what I'm like to think about is the importance of every person every being every I mean no matter like who they are Jewish not Jewish you know huh ship not sure that they're the individual and they're human being and that's you know that demands respect and attention and a big like driving force was that like other than when I was younger mm-hmm and I was feeling when you're when you're a kid a lot of times you take things a lot more sent like you know like you know I'm more sensitive things and you're right look later on life and I always felt like super good when like people came like actually give me the time attention I mean right like you always felt like really good like when you're talking to somebody and somebody would be like uh once again like they start you know it doesn't feel great so I always felt like you know if I can maybe give people full attention you know wow it meant like I just know how good it'll make them feel because I just knew that want someone look when I was young then someone will give me their you know their full attention it really I feel like a real person so that's always been like a driving force to just really trying to make everybody no matter I speak to just feel feel important because they are important well that's it yeah unbelievable I could just say from my experience as a child I remember specifically when I was I think by my brother's Bar Mitzvahs probably about nine years old maybe eight and I had a second cousin that was an amazing amazing person and he I was very adventurous and I loved you know building forts and stuff I was younger than I think it's like seven or something and in middle apartment so he like we snuck upstairs and I built the whole four four and he's helping me out and then I just remember like we sat there in our fort and he just sat there and listened to me for like a half an hour I was just telling him stories and stuff like that and I felt so good he was an older guy he was probably at that time like money so I don't know but he was he just gave me full attention in full respect I remember feeling so good about myself that type of stuff really changes people yeah that changes you you changes you when you're 20 30 40 if you have that when you're a kid somebody that really believed in you your you had you have what it takes to be big to face the darkness of the world to face rejection to get out there and do what you need to do you know what I mean you got that that that belief in yourself because somebody gave it to you but if nobody gave it to you yeah I'm sorry I really like what you're saying about you know being there fully listening to people respecting people that's huge I see I love coming to your house specifically you know whenever I'm in town I try to come to your house and I'm gonna tell you secret I never told you before it's not a secret but I love going to houses that have healthy relationships there's a almost the only houses that I go to I eat out all the time I stay by people's house all the time because I'm out of my you know home for most of the year so I stay by people and I only like going to people's houses I try always to choose people's houses which have healthy relationships because it really that shows me what type of house I'm gonna build and that's a good role model for me of how I want my kids to be in a relationship with my wife-to-be it's it's just unbelievable watching your family how you respect your parents so much and how your you have such a good relationship such a healthy relationship with everybody's so expressed and manure things out in a healthy great way it's just fun to watch it's fun to be there just a fun family this is the healthy fun family and it's amazing so thank you for giving that in my life you know a role model that I could see what healthy relationships are it's amazing to see you guys thank you very much yeah so let's really give us a tip what's the best way to have a good relationship with your parents your family what do you do um you know first thought I think it's just that's something that everyone is gonna need to work on right it's um but I think the underlying factor when it comes to relationships within family and especially parents I think is just is underlying understanding of a carseat ov now I think that's just the backward of everything now many times you can get caught up and like the now and not remember all the things they've done for us since we were like mm-hmm you know babies that we don't you know you know like before you even added memory they were doing great you know a lot of crazy things you know just for your well-being and to really keep that in mind that you know these people really cared for my health and existence every second of the day so if that's like in your back of your mind I think it's it's it's like it's push it you know like what else what else am I supposed of course well of course you have to respect him like you know their their everything you know I'm saying without without them you don't you don't have anything you are you or nothing so that's it's kind of like it speaks for itself right I forgot who said this I think he was robbed by Kalish probably that's most of my stuff comes from probably but somebody said a great line he said if all your parents ever did was give birth to you and then take you and drop you off at a street corner and can abandon you you would still have a mitzvah hibbott of him you'd still have a Mitzvah but Karsa ties to them because they at the end of the day maybe this was three partners that had you mm-hmm Hashem your mother and your father and they made that decision it's because of them attended they you would not be here if not for them to gave you the gift of life yeah yeah 100% I want to tell you guys a great Marshall okay once upon a time you were up in Chile and you were looking down from this bubble and you're looking down this bubble and you're like oh my gosh see like these little people down there and they're doing different things what are they doing down there and just then two people that are passing by you up there and you're mine and they're like what are you wondering about and you're like I don't know I see those people they're like they're taking this stuff and they're putting into their mouths and they're like like this and all of that that's called eating they're eating right and you're like oh my gosh I wish I can eat they say you know you want to eat yeah I can't eat up here we don't have what is that call its food and we don't have food up here I wish I could and any tastes like different things there's the sugar taste and then you know there's two people are explaining to you exactly all the things oh my gosh I wish I can have all that stuff but I can't because I don't have food and there's two people turn to you and they're like um do you want food you're like yeah and you're like okay we'll give you food for how long Oh hundred years a hundred years of food like do I have to be free naps on the house free oh my gosh thank you so much you know and they and and and and and they give you food then you keep looking through the bubble and you see that these this little people he's like going into stores and he gives these people the green stuff and with the green stuff he comes out with other stuff bad you know toys and things to play with and I puts that green stuff he it looks so cool he keeps getting stuff with it oh that's called money you don't know what money is no you're not money up here tonight so did you want money of course I want money okay we'll give you money how much $1,000 a month thousand dollars a month oh my gosh thank you so much you have to be able no that's terrific is there anything yeah you could actually do for us one small thing what is it once a day I want you to take out the garbages of course what do you mean no big deal what are you talking about don't take out the garbages no idea right and it goes on you know they you see the people they take their packages and then they walk into this big box and yeah what's that box oh that that's called a house and you say house I wish I had as it looks like so much fun you could hide and go to sleep and do all these I said do you want a house yeah today's your lucky day we'll give you a house I would have to pay for it yeah you know what make me a deal you'd have to pay nothing for it but what's a day we're gonna say something that's you know a little mean put you down a little bit maybe you'll say something that you're not so happy about will bug you you know we'll ask you for your location once a day we're located like oh no problem of course I agree I make fun of me all you can see me things I don't care put me down you see where we go with this right and then you were born into this world for free you have to be nothing right you're born into this world and whether this actually the story actually happened that your mind that you agreed to it doesn't make a difference hey it's showing how of course you would have done that you would have agreed to that any day for the amount that they gave you yeah they gave you lyfe without that you want to be able to have that green stuff that money or that food that yummy taste in your mouth and and the ability to accomplish in this world and to become big you'd have nothing you'd have nothing you wouldn't be born into this world with them mm-hmm absolutely that's a write up what I was saying their belly I like that great muscle yeah yeah I mean I just think it's super key to have a good relationship with one's parents you know no matter like whatever the circumstance is and the family you know circumstance the situation it's just super key it's one of those things it's one of those things that you know as time progresses into older you get you kind of realized how important it is to have relationship you know first off coming from a car instead of I think it's great it's that I think it's a great thing to get right when it comes to appreciating people is the first place to go as your parents you know I mean because in life you're gonna have relationships with friends hopefully spouse you know kids and all these relationships you're gonna have to have lean to like tools to go ahead and have a health relationship and if you know you don't get that one with the parents right it's very hard to get the rest of life right especially because you know you know the closest thing to a Shem in regards to being emotive are your parents and you know if we can't see the goodness and that to be really hard to see goodness and another things so it's just a super helpful thing for the rest your life to be to be close with your parents and you know respect them and really so all those things that you know like you'll kick yourself later on as things get older like wow you know I should respect them more I should have done this more should help that more because you know you don't really appreciate how much did until you really get older and then you kind of feel stupid like well like they asked me take out the garbage I complain you kidding me you know I mean stuff like that but yeah super healthy I just want to go back to a point that you said that was really amazing that your parents are the closest thing to you is tisha I heard a crazy line from herb Kelman and with Kelman said that if your baby cries at night there's a famous controversy to let your baby cry out because babies will cry themselves right if you let your baby cry at night enough times eventually they'll get the point that nobody's coming to get them and they'll stop crying and then they won't cry anymore the wake up in the middle of the night and they won't cry and it's so much easier that way right so that's one side of it rabbit element says you cannot do that you know why you can't do that because you could kill your child's Emunah it's crazy well because he and Munna is in you we only know Hashem because of relationship that and if we didn't have a paradigm of a good relationship to someone in this world we have no muscle of what a relationship is and then we have no I'm Mona because Emily the whole whole emunah is is a relationship that's all it is if you don't have a normal relationship duh you won't have a Munna you don't know what anyone is right I understand you kick it and if the kid gets used to crying and and nobody's answering so he you know it's like Minh answers then that's emotional that oh I cry out someone answers relationship like there's somebody there for me there's somebody that will answer me and that will throughout his life that will be a very strong force inside of him a belief inside of him that you know somebody believes in me out there Robbie Caylor said this this was great unbelievable Michaela said that a dorm counselor game to him like sweaty he's all nervous is that I just had a conversation with this kid and he doesn't believe in a chef and I gave him all the proofs and I told him intellectually you know how we know there's not shame and how the Torah and and scientifically or and the kids still like go through his I don't know what to do it's so weird like it's just like do me a favor don't speak to him any more about these things you know he does give him a good cholent a good kiss girl like played good game of basketball with him get a good relationship with him you know why this kid doesn't have a Munna because he can't understand the concept of me because he never had a normal relationship with anybody he went through trauma in his life he never had a healthy relationship with his parents or friends or whatever it is so he has no example of what relationships is how in the world is he supposed to relate to the concept of Hashem loves me as I'm connected to me there's somebody that's watching over me that is part of me that it all doesn't he doesn't know what that means it's all worthless like there's no point than that and it just doesn't make any sense to him it's all about relation once a person has real relationships oh of course this is a sham of course I'm connected to something bigger this is not all flickers I know I'm bigger than just this world there's something beyond this world all that stuff's obvious when you have good healthy relationship it's when somebody's devoid of that it doesn't have any relationships then all the sudden user all about this proof this proof doesn't make sense nothing makes sense because you're not connected to it once you're connected you don't need proof it's just yeah of course duh I never thought of it like that that just having a healthy relationship with people or anybody will strengthen your relationship with Hashem purely because if you know what a relationship is and you have I'm not sure it's the same story but I do remember Michaela saying yet about any Shiva I think he was coming from a different place and he he came in saying I don't want I don't want you know Yiddish guy I don't want you know to learn I just I wanna I won't come to this you Shiva because I want to have relationship really hurts good its group it's relationships yeah so I care said yeah excellent come come here no problem great you know and he said he explained that later on he says he says you know what what is Danish guy ela K is relationship the whole thing is built on relationships so this person is well this kid was missing was he didn't understand we initially it was of course yeah you know we're not gonna force each guy nothing up I think obviously as you know he knew we learned what you know relationships were I think it is great I think Lehrer so um yeah it's a very very important thing in life I just want to add on another point over here and that is if you think you're right and they're wrong okay this is a big thing that a lot of people lose out the most important relationship in their lives because they're busy they're a whole I'm saying I'm right you're wrong right and this usually comes from a traumatic experience as a traumatic relationship or maybe their parents were never there they're empty inside they have no love they never got any love whatever and they live their whole lives living the story that I'm right they're wrong and you know what what I have to say about that is you could be a hundred percent right and they could be a hundred percent wrong you're right we got it you're right and they're wrong but what are you doing you're cutting yourself up for them your whole life you who are you hurting you're hurting yourself that's who you're hurting you're right and they're wrong we got you now I understand yeah what are you gonna do you're gonna live your whole life I'm right there what we got you they're wrong and they keep doing the wrong thing but are you sure you want to act like that towards them are you sure you want to say oh because I'm right and they're wrong so now I'm not talking to them anymore or now I'm not gonna really go deep with them because I'm right and they're wrong they should have done more for me they should have done this they should have been cooler such nerdy parents they should have this should have that I'm right he's fair wrong they're doing the wrong thing okay you're right but do you really want to live that life and keep pushing them away by saying I'm right they're wrong and just the finest of you're just you're justified you're right and you're pushing them away but you're hurting yourself and God forbid at the end of the day how does it show them at the end at the end of their life after your parents pass away a foster home you're gonna look back and you're gonna say oh my gosh shoots like I that would be the scariest feeling and after today nobody cares anymore who you're not gonna carry more who is right and who is I use the oh my gosh I lost out I pushed them away i justified myself but I just at to push them away and now I have not I am missing the most important relationship in the world so my message to you is who cares there are plenty of people in your lives who are gonna do wrong things and you're gonna be right and they're gonna be wrong to not push them away necessarily though because at the end of the we don't nobody really cares who's right and wrong there's something to gain from them there's a relationship to gain from even if they're wrong even if they do wrong stuff there's plenty of good that they have to offer and you can miss out from them if you just push them away with one blanket statement I'm right they're wrong so how you super give especially with parents that's a huge thing yeah to add like one I guess like key when it comes to like relationships with parents and just actually with people in general is I think if you try to focus on you know even for people that I guess have a hard time for whatever reason with their parents they maybe don't get along so well that I think it's important to look at one good thing in each of the parents or you know and the parents because no matter who you know your parents are no matter you know your friends you can always find a good thing in a person no matter what everybody has a good thing especially parents you know but the mere fact that your parents in the Bryan's doesn't roll that's already a whole nother you know but just as people as human beings you can find the good thing and if you just solely focus on that good thing and block out all the noise around so then that good that good thing is shining you know and that's the only thing that you really worried about and then like you're just consumed by a look I'm consuming by that goodness and you're like okay so that's what I'm focusing on now and boom so of course I want to do good because that's all it is so just in relationships in general parents especially but um with people like if you ever have a person that you are not like on the best terms with or you don't like so much I I recommend it is find a good thing in them because he has it he or she anybody who you know whoever it is they have they have that good thing and focus on that and if you focus solely on that other things will follow away and then more and more good things you'll slowly realize that they have but she said you were always so focused on the negative like subconsciously and I realized I don't like it because of this so for a whole you cancel the person okay for your whole life or for whatever reason because of this you don't like about them but you never focused on Oh what about the good things and then if you focus on that you'd see so many more there's this tremendous point yeah so it just it's it's a great thing which relationships in general you know friends people neighbors you know cousins brothers whatever it is find that good asking them and focus on it zoom in so you're blinded by the goodness and that's it can I ask you a question yeah do you do this actively because I honestly I don't know if I could think maybe one or two guys on your level in yeshiva when you're in yeshiva that were so good at relationships that was so healthy like you I've noticed when you're in your Shiva that you just a connector they some like no matter who's talking to you you make when they're when they're done dying they they feel like you know what I mean they feel like wow this guy likes me like he respects me you're genuine you know so do you do this actively when you're talking to people even random people do you think of hey like there's something good about him or you know so I just try to think of you know III I like people in general like I'm a people's person i I do like thank God it's like one was like yes a lot of people I love people you know I enjoy company and I do try to see the good in people you know and I think it just helps you're getting me energized right now no it just makes life easier I'm feeling bigger I'm feeling like ya know yeah I feel like if you if you yeah if you look at good people I just like making people feel important because I think they are I think everyone is important yeah it's crazy somebody just told me this he said there because there's a seminar that I'm signing up to a big seminar and he got me to sign up and you have to say your mission statement of what you want to gain from the seminar so I asked I think I asked him hey what do you want to gain when you went to this seminar and he told me very clearly like he had a missions name he's like I want to become a type of person that when I'm done talking to somebody they're like holy cow I feel good about myself like I just feel like well that guy was cool like yeah like a certain aura that that's what he that's what he went to that seminar for amazing and that really resonated with me I was like yeah that like I want to be the type of person that makes people feel like they're a million dollars when they're done talking to me and like whoa yeah big stuff like a short what that it's always been a driving force with me like I just love making people feel important because they are right right everybody is important and why don't we help me a lot and that actually you know just relationships and they're obeying there and all the people very like are just I see it I'm like I love it you know I just resonates so deeply with me yeah I want to go back to the subject of kippot of aim the what we were talking about before that you have to be mohabbat you know to to no matter if they're if they're even if they're wrong and you're right but at a date why push them away they're the biggest relationship and your life there's something to gain there's something precious there's good about them and you were saying focus on the good right and and gain from that so I just wanted to sales to add on to that there's another thing I heard from ok list is that I believe it's the Rambam that says that the midst of Cupid of aim is not only a act of mitzvah physical mitzvah that you have to there's certain parameters of them so you have to dress them give them to drink if they want to drink there's certain ways to be evolved in them stand up right and they're certain euro don't sit in their seat don't contradict them don't agree to them maybe we'll talk about it differently and I'll agree to your parents because who are you like they need you too and you know there's those are you know the more physical outward but then there's the in the brain there's the my mom says I believe it's the wrong man that said that it's in the brain in your brain your parents have to be the two coolest people in the world basically it says meh left the ship in malachi a king and queen in your brain when your father walks in to show you should be like whoa he's here I try to always do that like my father comes as Joseph he's cool yeah I try to do it really deal he says yeah and he really would it's like wow like and I try to have kid but when I talked you know I try not to argue I try to create in my brain too real this recognition that he's cool he's so cool he created me literally created you know he's partners with Hashem into my creation that's crazy stuff he's big stuff and find and search out every cool thing about your father find out you know how awesome he was any Shiva or whatever you could and grab onto all the goods that you could find about him and it's good me this and think brainstorm them and focus on those things like you were saying and appreciate that good side of him and and that will help connect them you to connect to him you know or them you have any practical tips how to better your relationship with your father or your mother practical tips practical tips I mean first off I think it's just super key to me with them spend time with them I think that's you know starts off starts off with just talking to them hanging out with them seeing what you could do for them being I think being a listener is key you know kind of put yourself second to them even if it's hard for you for whatever reason to really you know hear them out first or just put them on a pedestal I think just to take a step back and just like for a day just like listen and keep quiet and just take it in I think you could gain you'll see a lot from your parents but yeah I think opening up to them is key you know being vulnerable yeah sure I think I'm sorry for any trouble just even just telling your parents every once in a while i what do you think about this even though you might know their opinion already and even though you know that you don't agree to penny and even if you don't agree to penny you don't even have to say that it's a connection right there letting them speak themselves out look here their site is they're in a lot of times you'll be like wait maybe they are right you know and it but you don't have to end the conversation but I disagree that's not the point of why you're asking them you're asking them to see their opinion so it could be you disagreeing you don't even have to say that you know that's just the way of connecting and to going deeper with them you know you're spending time doing something that's takla stick that's something that's deeper going deep and hearing their deep values and their opinions that's something that's really special even if I don't agree with them that doesn't make a difference that's not what it's about you're missing the point this is not about right and wrong how'd you ever send it's about connecting sorry okay you go back no back to you I never sent ya it's it's a key to the point it's not it's not about what's right or who's wrong who's wrong it's it's really about the bigger picture here the relationship and I think I think everybody can can open up to the parents you know it may be hard for some people but I think the more you do that you know it's it's embedded in nature human tefa is parents love their children that's just the way it is right that will never change no matter how you know far relationship straight or whatever it is parents love their children okay much more than the child could ever love their parents you know even though we don't really we're not you know parents relate to that but that's what they tell us so I'm gonna you know and that's a crazy concept so knowing that I think anybody can you know really connect the parents because there's just you know you have to keep mine they love you tremendously more than you can imagine which itself like the loving more than anyone else in the world loves you so like those are the people you should be sure off the best relationship with right even if that's not the case but you know it's fine so I understand that no matter who you know your parents are in a situation they love you honestly so they want to hear from you they want to speak to you connect you and yeah mm-hmm let me add another tip so you're so so far we said spend more time with them be vulnerable with them open up to them you see hey what do you think about this like what should I do my next step in life do you think I should go to college do you think I should go to yeshiva go deep with them don't be scared you know if you if you keep yourself bottled you never have a good relationship if you never put yourself out on the line in the danger zone sure you know they might say something you don't like that subject but if you never do that you're never gonna have a relationship if you stay safe your whole life right you have to be vulnerable that's you know okay that's a different subject but what I what I wanted to say the other tip is take the initiative do acts of service so when you come home there's a lot of times the whole right and wrong I'm right they're wrong and I don't like them and then you push them away a lot of that friction comes from different expectations especially when someone comes home from yeshiva or school so they have expectations you have expectations they have expectations and here coming to home to help because they need dzundza help and they've been working their their heads off to support you and put you in yeshiva and then you come home with expectations I just worked hard in Shiva and I'm here to vacation and boom clash right if you beat them to it and you take the initiative and say listen I'm just I'm just gonna take the inish I'm gonna come home and I'm gonna beat them too I'm not gonna let them ask me I'm not gonna be on the defense I'm not gonna be passive and let them come to me and say okay can you please get off the couch and help us with Pesach or or Shabbos or whatever it is I'm not gonna let them do that I'm gonna come home and be like what could I do to help what needs to be done Shai take out the garbage or just do something start doing stuff cook a dish serve a meal just right the initiative you blow him ahead of their seats they'll be like whoa right and then afterwards you'll have time to do your stuff right it's the same amount of time a lot of its the question is whether they're gonna have to come to you and get you off the couch and help them do it whether you just do that small step to take the initiative you avoid so much friction and the relationship is so much better and more happy and so much more healthier just by taking the initiative and not letting the friction come in there in the relationship you know not getting into any fight by avoiding it all by taking the initiative and saying hey I want to do what it takes to make this relationship of good healthy happy one I'm gonna take the initial or I think that's a huge thing that that's like a tip when people come home because that's a lot of time yeah really all right we had a good time we ran out of time we're done but please make sure to subscribe subscriptions help us we do not get paid any money for doing this we do for free Burger Chef the one way that you can help support us mainly is just picking subscribe below like subscribe where those never kisses subscribe like below please please write that helps promote the channel you can they're okay so the channels available on YouTube and also the audio version the podcast version is available if you just type in the Koecher vids podcasts on Spotify iTunes or Google music you will find us and you could subscribe there and listen and you could show off your screen if you want it you don't have to have your screen let's say you want to save some battery life you don't mean like that much better life what do you do sure the podcast has been vocal music iTunes or Spotify and then you could shut off that screen and if you're in Spotify but as you well at it yeah yeah that's right Oh Fred yes yes yes indeed so thank you so much for listening and have a wonderful day have a positive amazing upbeat day behind because my love for the 50 blah blah seeing man let's not even discuss it man OMG you