Rejuvenating Relationships - on The Shabbat Show

[Music] hello everybody and welcome to the shabbat show great to be with you again what an honor to be with you another week thank you so much for tuning in we are excited to have today's show we have a great show coming up from you uh we've got a great guest on it to be a little bit different than the typical show this is going to be more of a conversation so i've got my cup of coffee it's never too late to have a cup of coffee and i in case you want to get yours please do we're going to have a great conversation today with an absolute legend about something that is super important to all of us and that is relationships we are living in a time where the world around us seems to be that much more out of control and in each of these weeks we've been trying to bring you different different pieces different understandings if you remember we did what's going on in the middle east we did art we're trying to bring different pieces from from the different parts of the world but many times what's really essential is what's going on on the inside when we understand relationships a little better when we understand the wisdom that god has for us when it comes to how to find people in our lives how to maintain relationships with people in our lives what happens is it changes how we are able to deal with the world outside us sometimes the greatest way that we could adapt and change and live in this world is when we're strong on the inside and so much of how we need to build ourselves on the inside is doing what the torah says of us searching and seeking wisdom that's what the show is about today we're going to have a conversation one-on-one with somebody it's an incredible individual before we begin that i want to first uh dedicate the show sponsored as a program of the call enoch goldman center for jewish values dedicated by jake gome we thank jay for his constant dedication and support i also want to mention the project inspire and specifically the shabbat show is the beneficiary of dailygiving.org i encourage everybody to go to dailygiving.org and become a daily giver by one dollar a day you'll be able to give a charity to up to 40 simultaneous organizations who receive this go there and check it out dailygiving.org dailygiving.org you know i remember one time i was speaking with an individual who had a career ambition he wanted to become a partner in a law firm it was a very large law from a very prestigious law firm and i remember being a young associate in this law firm and there was a party of different partners and one of the guys had come and he was a part of it and we're sitting at this new partners dinner and i became friendly with you know the new partners so we stayed in touch this guy was in a different department than i was and he was so well regarded in the firm and everybody loved him and he seemed like the most perfect individual really we dressed how he spoke like even his accent he had like that waspy accent and everything always looked brooks brothers you know that it was like forget it so one time i was in his office and i was asking him you know what did it feel like the day you got the call like you know you've been killing yourself your whole career for this ever since you were i know i was like i was i'm in that world i was starting that world but law i mean college law school then you get into a great firm and now you work through it and you people leave and you maintain and then everyone regards you so highly or you know you're a litigator you get raided by fancy journals you walk into courtrooms people like you know like bow to you like you're a young dude like how does it feel to be this successful i said a little bit more you know appropriately i wasn't i wasn't this gushy so he said fine you know fine threw it off and brushed it off and over the course of our relationship i remember we were sitting in his office once he said actually was the worst moment of my life so what yeah he said it was the worst moment of my life i said the call to be partner he described to me the choices that he made that drove his family away on the outside he looked perfect but on the inside things were broken and it was all to become successful and he was describing to me which i'll never forget sitting in his gorgeous i mean gorgeous office midtown manhattan mahogany everywhere pictures of him with people that are so important and him confiding in me that the choices he made drove the people that he loves away from him and when he got the call that he made partner the call didn't fill in all the pieces that he thought he'd that would fill in inside him he thought that he'd be fuller and he realized when he hung up the phone that all of that as great as his success was it wasn't worth the cost relationships the key to our happiness in this world the key to our real success how do we make them greater how do we rejuvenate them how do we start them right for those who are dating and single and you're in the world we're going to talk about that and for those that are married and for those that are dating again in whatever stage you are in life gaining insight gaining wisdom on something as important as relationships is building your core it's building your insights it's making us stronger more resilient people we are joined today with a like i said a legend his name is dr jack cohn he is an nyu and harvard university graduate he was an orthopedic surgeon and now dedicates his life full time teaching torah and relationship coaching he has more than 30 years experience in dating mentoring and marital harmony he has played a role in over ready for this 1600 matches think about how many 1600 matches think how many how many kids that is i mean that's an enormous amount of people tonight we have a conversation with thousands who lovingly call him dr jack dr jack welcome to the show hi charlie how are you thank you you deserve that honor it's an honor to have you on we don't see you yet so make sure your video is on uh you're on perfectly nice to see you thank you thank you for joining us and it's an honor to have you on oh it's pleasure is mine i just want to tell you an antidote prior to kovid i used to travel every other shabbat to give classes or shabbatons the last tr trip i took was in dallas texas where i did a shabbaton for uh a singles program for older singles and my host lovingly gave me a great book because you had been his whole his guest alan press and i want to tell you something i got covered two days after purim and i sat in bed sick as a dog and i read this book and it gave me strength oh thank you good to see you as well thank you for being with us can you give us you know can you give us a little bit about your background and how you got into it meaning the surgeon to the dating coach like tell us a little bit about you know a little bit more about how you got to where you are that's a great question um i was for i grew up in the syrian community in brooklyn but we were blessed that a legend in the torah world moved into our community when i was 12 years old a man by the name of rabbi victor miller sure and i became his student since i was 12 years old and he was a man who was a a great scholar not just in torah but in human relations and i imbibed quite a bit from him and his motivating us constantly to think about others and work for others and help others so after i got out of medical school and i was in practice i said enough with waking up at four or five in the morning when i was in residency etc i wanted an easier life so i'm going to work as a doctor one to eight and devote nine to twelve to either learning torah or teaching it so i started so after i learned with him for many years he sort of kicked me out and said it's time for you to teach others wow i found myself volunteering in education and teaching guys in their 20s who were just coming back from israel getting ready to work and i was ill-equipped at the time i didn't know much but they would come and ask me questions about their date coming up or the girls that they were going to go out do you think i should marry her and i uh quickly took a love for this stuff and i started learning as much as i can reading all the articles and then i had a shift in my practice i moved to miami where i helped one of the rabbis thought i ran kids programs on shabbat in brooklyn but i was picked up by the university of miami to teach by for asia torah down in or samaya in a combined program called the collegiate learning exchange and i thought every wednesday night on the campus at the university of miami and there i got a lot more experience in doing this i'm sure yeah yeah so uh came back to new york and i just decided it was time to close up shop that i thought this was my second calling we were on we i was giving i used to give a class called every wednesday night uh dating with dr jack they brought in beautiful catered meal and one of my friends put it on a massive platform called torah anytime and the rest is history wow so exciting yeah so talk to me about the first before we jump into these questions yeah i want to talk a little about the 1600 so see what does it mean to be involved in so many people ha does it must be every day all day non-stop it is all day nonstop wow you have to you have to understand something there's no finish line at the end of the day the typical time that i go to bed is between 12 and 3 in the morning wow you give up your life for this you realize this is a calling like no other like i've had in my life i've started yeshivo i've helped start your houses of scholarship and study but nothing comes to this people come with such problems and such issues and thank god because of the numerous amount of hours that i put into parking lots talking to people after classes and lobbies i pretty much get it in a few minutes what the next move should be you know what's amazing to me is just in in a way how normal it is for people to um to to approach dating and marriage and recognize that if it's not going perfectly that's okay i think that's a tremendous step forward people to even realize that they need a coach i remember once hearing uh years ago a line that you really can't win an olympic gold medal if you don't have a gold medal coach like you never see a guy rolling into like the olympics being like listen i don't know like i was always good at this i'll just i guess i'll run like when you do things that are difficult like when you play a professional sport you have coaching you have people around you that are helping you and there are a few things as important as dating in marriage and so it's nice to hear that people are realizing that reaching out and getting advice and help is actually a normal part of the process it's been amazing and the calls come literally from all over the world amazing and you just want to help them i uh i did a program for toronto last week i'm doing a program from manchester england a bunch of girls 100 girls who want to stay whole and at peace with themselves created an organization to give each other strength whatever we can do if we could use our talents to help others it's so fulfilling it's so rewarding and i i'm i wouldn't be doing this unless there was a divine push for me to be doing this right and it has to be a need for it and i believe in my heart taught there's never been a greater need for people to seek out dating coaching whether it's me or anyone else but they can help shortcut this circus journey right right so i want to jump in um just just for the audience i want to sort of share with you what's been going on on project inspire you know the project inspired this week had an incredible retreat in the hamptons they had the men's retreat from sunday to tuesday and the women's retreat from tuesday to thursday and it was unbelievable the feedback is awesome and so really congrats to project inspire um and i'm telling you this for a bunch of reasons first of all because this is a project inspired show secondly because i want to just for a second if i can just just give a shout out to two individuals uh yussi friedman i don't know elise if you can pull up that picture now yussi friedman who is um been producing the show um from his house in uh in israel is actually on the plane right now at least put the picture back if you can see he's on the plane right now producing the show here it is just check this out if those are watching it this is we got him he's he's in the middle of the air i think he's like over europe and he is sitting there on in his seat while everybody's sleeping um and just the dedication is going to come up again i think just go there he is i don't know if you could see him this is a picture of him if you can look closely and you see him with his mask pitch black up yeah guiding elisa into the show um and and the other hero that we have is yaakov ginagar who also produced this um incredible event and as opposed to like i don't know going to bed after you know killing yourself is is came back uh worked on this show and so real a real shout out to both of those real heroes um and in the event what we did this week was we said okay we got some questions there are um different topics we want to bring up to dr jack but as opposed to me bringing it up why don't we go to the uh why don't we go to um to michael our our uh our trusted film guy to be able to uh to pull this these footage out so michael went around during the retreat and was able to ask the questions for us let's go to the first clip from michael on perfection [Music] perfection is just i don't know wait one second let me think about it i think perfection in life is a clear head to make decisions that bring you to fulfillment my idea of perfection is being able to take the gifts that you were given and use them to make this world into a better place that's perfection the search for perfection is just always working on yourself to improve and do your best i don't think perfection is really achievable because only hashem is perfect perfection is to be able to embrace yourself to be able to have love care and compassion to be able to be happy with yourself to have an amazing family and friends around you sometimes we try for things and [Music] we feel like it's just out of our reach and that either our background or something that is lacking in our education just won't allow us to reach that pinnacle where we are striving to get and and sometimes we just have to be okay with that and uh and move on and some sometimes down the road it will happen um out of blue when you least expect it the quest for perfection is not easy but anything that is important in life becomes a work of sweat and sacrifice so if you're sweating and if you're sacrificing you know you're getting there if you're lying in the spa and the sun is shining something needs to be done and you need to work a little harder perfection is recognizing and seeing the world that hashem created and appreciating it and looking at the detail of how much intricate detail went into everything that hashem created we're all work in progress and we just try our best to keep improving okay dr jacks let's let's talk about this for a second sure to have you back on on your video perfect so let's talk about perfection because uh i i hear i'm sure you hear more than i hear we're looking for the perfect match i think we've taken the word bashert and and turned it into i want the perfect person um what has your experience been in terms of people on this quest for this perfect person and how do we break that mentality charlie why don't i share a text with you that i got today from someone who told me the following he has to follow i've gone out with a girl six times and i'm into her is it appropriate for me to go to a singles event this sunday night i said excuse me you like her you're into her what do you want well i maybe i could do better you hear what's going on maybe i could do better i said you like her you find her attractive the conversation is going well you have absolutely no right to attend that singles event so what is it that people look like what is it with this obsession that we have of the perfect of course by the way it's amazing how we don't got to be perfect they got to be perfect right like of course no one's going weight i got to perfect myself they're going wait it's like i got to buy the perfect person where is this coming from and and how are you seeing it manifest in relationships listen we uh we unfortunately we we're subjected to bombardment of the media when we're from from the time we're younger you know what they say walt disney ruined everything because he gave us a fantasy land that everything you know uh you know dreams of la la land we read about mythical creatures and people that are perfect and uh we aspire for that as well we want the best the media puts a spin on our minds that we should be shooting for us and we hear these thoughts when we're young whether it's our parents whether i'll give you another example today it's unbelievable i had a case today where i have this girl who's struggling with going out on dating she wants to get married but she's a valedictorian both in high school and college and if she goes into a graduate school program she's afraid she's going to apply all her efforts into getting married and not i'd rather into school and not get married so i said i'll help you i'll help balance you and i found her a great guy somebody that wasn't ready to date for a few years but because he was young but now he's got a great job he's doing beautifully the parents dismissed it no we don't date himself from that social strata we want the best these are the kind of this is the mentality that sometimes we grow up with whether it's our society or whether the books that we read the movies that we've watched and they're they infiltrate and toxify our minds so that i think it's a chinese menu now i want her eyes i want his i want him her money and her size to skirt so so how how do we break it down to break through it how does a parent guide a child to try to strive for um somebody who would be great someone who could be more someone that the parent aspires for the child to have but at the same time not put in the child's mind this this concept that the per person across has to be perfect i think that um it's very interesting i mean i answer that with a more a small story there's a brilliant dating coach in israel called gila manelson who was not an observant woman but eventually made it to israel and she was invited to a wedding where it was an observant couple and she was like enamored by the modesty that was involved and then she decided to pursue her path of becoming observant and she was then taken to her husband's or fiancee's dean and the yeshiva that he studied on easter what's love gila she says whoa love is the feeling that you have when you feel like you have that feeling she knew she blew it and then she said he answered me the question love is when i can embrace someone else's goodness in thought and in action so the parents need to teach the children look for as we say in hebrew look for character that's so critical i always told the girls like i told my daughters when they got married i don't care if the guy has money no money i don't care what their social standing but there are three words in hebrew that i taught them they need to look out for and that is does he have an anger issue does he have a problem with being cheap and is he inflexible it comes down to teaching character focusing on character and values that's going to save the day that's the long-term fuel for joy everything else is about just a secondary item in this in the soup it's interesting as you say it and i think this applies not just in dating but in marriage as well um it's it's really a redefinition of what perfection is um yeah i think someone said it beautifully on the video and they said perfection is only in the domain of god it is really our job to be to be working to be striving and when you have the right character traits um that sort of is the fuel for for striving but you mentioned something interesting that i want to do i want to double click on if you can this chinese menu too much choice this applies i've seen this i'm sure you've seen this more than i have in data even in marriage it applies in the whole world where we're bombarded with everything and most of the things we're borrowing aren't even true right like most people's pictures aren't even their actual pictures even regular people don't know how to filter like i'm saying like it used to be like you had to go to like school to learn how to make your picture look better now you know if you don't know how to do it like you know you're on the phone you're like but they just took a picture you didn't filter in the background like i don't know how to do that so everything you see isn't even true you're living we're living in a world maybe of what they call too much choice check out this video of a little bit too much choice and we'll come right back how much choice in life is when you walk into starbucks and you have the sign i'm the coffee there's the large one the medium the small i don't know what the names are having too much ice cream choice of ice cream being that ice cream is like my most favorite thing in the world for me that would never be too much an example of too much choice is just a lot of distraction going into a store and trying to pick something out and seeing so many different things whereas if you had less choice you just be able to do it in much less time i think having too much choice just wastes so much of our time having too much choice wow having too much is um confusing and probably lends you to jump around too much and not be able to focus on too many things whereas if you had less choice you would be able to really embrace the choices you have and get better at those when you have too much choice you just are overwhelmed with what is it that i want and you don't even know think of our children today and they have so many choices with with flavors and things and products you know even how many types of coffee there are for you to buy in the morning so you stop appreciating what you have because there's so much out there and you just become entitled and you think you know what it's normal for there to be so much so many choices i just want more and more and more and i'm never satisfied with just the simple things in life too much choice for me would probably be seeing a lot of produce lots of materialistic things of any kind i would probably say doesn't really mean pertain to food particularly but anything materialistic and looking around and not really knowing what to choose because you have multiple colors multiple foods you like multiple people and characteristics that may attract you so better hone it down i think we live in a society where too much choice is the norm but it sometimes just prevents us from honing in on what really matters life is a journey and you're always open to growing and making different choices as you move along that that road let's talk about too much choice because you know i think that um that could be a major issue for all of us it's it applies i think in a lot of aspects of our lives but you mentioned it earlier about the guy who's dating a girl and goes well there's a singles of that what what do you find about choice now that everything is available always we're all interconnected do you find that we're living in a world where we have too much choice and it's impacting our relationships charlie i got to share with you an amazing study that took place last year in a suburb of scarzil upper class suburb in westchester two major league psychologists went in there and decided to into a upscale whole foods supermarket you know and they put out two tables listen to what happened it was uh that's called high grade jellies one table had six varieties one table had 24 and then you were given the allowance to taste if you buy you're given a dollar off the product so they watched the traffic there was 40 more traffic by the table that had the 24 variety versus the six when it came to buying only three percent bought at the 24 and 42 bought at the six wow isn't that amazing that tells us where we're holding in life today and picture this a hundred years ago where there was a shtetl in eastern europe or a small little town in northern africa where did you get your match from where did you meet your significant other perhaps it was a within a mile a radius of three or four miles but today with the flick of a of a computer you've got thousands of of resumes to look at and profiles and whatsapp chats and online dating sites it's enormous you know i sit with people to try to help them and i may show them some people that i feel will be appropriate matches and here's the classic line charlie not my look not my look not my look how do you know where your little kids i didn't know my look my wife's look was a blind date so i didn't know it's amazing yes people are so they're lost in the forest today because of this excessive choice but how does one protect against it meaning this is the reality it's a great question what do we do because we want the choice gives and i i completely agree with what you said and i love that study i think i remember years ago hearing about the um the this the spaghetti sauce which is a similar concept where um they the supermarket added like 30 varieties to tomato sauce and like they're like waiting for like the sales to go up and the sales plummeted because as people start to have all these choices the brain starts you know exhausts but how does one navigate that we're living in a time where there's more opportunity there's more availability and no matter where what what circles someone's in you know depending on where even wherever you are denominationally there's always like you said so many choices so what does one do you've got to have principles that you live by one of them is that i believe that i that i try to teach and uh and spread the word on is common beliefs leads to common expectations first of all understand who you are as a person what your needs are draft a top 10 needs list what do i need to make me happy who am i and what do i need to make what are the qualities that i need in a in a significant other my partner in life that'll help me be happy now every one of us has different needs this is why having a dating coach is critical because that third party can help draft that list for you once you know what your needs are then you could read the resume and see oh that interests me and be more realistic about what you're looking for because if you have a gps guiding you of what your needs are you'll then be less reluctant to be wishy-washy all over the place right and i think by the way if we can just call it out if if a person is staring at a phone going not my luck not my luck not my look not my look it's pretty clear what their needs are right like they're thinking of just one thing um and i guess this leads to the next question really which is um the next video that we have um which really is the concept of finding your one and the idea that there's like a fairy tale of marriage and you know i remember growing up seeing all these you know different movies and i remember being you know when i got a little older and i had the opportunity to study in israel i remember going to a class on it i was still i was single i was in my gap year in high school i wasn't ready to get married yet but it was an interesting class and i figured like you know hey why not like let me get some wisdom before i gotta get in the game i remember the rabbi said something so fascinating and he said you ever noticed something that every single movie of any relationship always ends by the wedding like you ever notice that like as soon as they get married the credits come up and you're like and you think that like that's it like we're we're done we got to the we got to the wedding like it's but right can i just say something about your experience no one tells us what the next morning is like when they're fighting over who takes out the garb right yeah or or a year or five years like people are in this world and by the way and for those who are even married think wait wait wait wait wait wait wait no no this is not right she's not right he's not right i mean even in covid i remember doing a show at marriage show and covet and people were like oh my god i mean some people just god bless them like they live wonderful lives but they don't see each other much you know between him running and she's running and then kovan shut the place down and everyone's like wait wait no no no this wasn't what i signed up for there's like a sense of right like there's like a sensor like i i i gotta land my my perfect one so i i wanna i wanna explore through this idea of finding the one right like as if as if what you're doing in marriage is you're bulls eyeing it and if you get it you got the one and if you don't you're missed the one so let's go to the video tip and let's talk about a little bit [Music] how do you know when you found the one for you that is an amazing question you know you found the one well in my case he was the one and only so it was really easy knowing how you found the one gives you excitement gives you someone to share with somebody that shares with you seeing eye to eye having the right values having respect for each other and interest in the same things i knew i found the right one because on my third date i was unwell and unable to go on the date and he sent me flowers and when he called i said well how did you know i love roses and he's like what am i supposed to send you petunias and i just started laughing my mother was in the kitchen she was going you sound like a maniac connie what is your problem and i was like mommy he's funny he makes me laugh and i think that's a good key ingredient you have to make each other laugh i knew i found the one when i realized that we were just on the same page and we were looking to grow each of us looking to grow and especially to grow together and that's when i knew that he was the one how i knew i found the one is that hashem when i look at him from the first day until today and we're almost married for 24 years i light up i have butterflies in my stomach i'm excited to see him i look forward to him coming home at night getting into bed together sharing stories sharing our day i think that you feel within what we call manukha tanefish and that means you feel this quiet peace in your soul and you know that for the rest of your life this is the person who's going to be your go-to person your best friend the person you will grow with the person that you just want to spend your life with and you might have challenges you might have struggles you might have difficulties but it doesn't mean that that's not the one it means that i will go through it all with you so let's talk about this a little bit because if you notice even when they say finding the one they don't really mean they bulls-eyed it each person was saying they found someone to journey with so share this a little bit about what it what what it's like to what are people looking for when they're looking for the one and i guess post wedding what what that's like to make that person the one great question um i had to quickly develop a scientific formula because of all the people that contact me with this question so i have a lot to share with you i'm happy we got this one then so listen so i'm going to share a formula that people should know and they can use and apply in figuring out if the person that they're going out with is the one it's very simple it's abbreviated p a i r pair let's start with p physical attraction don't let anyone hoodwink you to thinking you can marry someone without physical attraction physical attraction by the way is a gift that god gave us to get us interested but as we know when you light a match how long does it last for 10 or 15 seconds that's all it's meant to get your interest and then begins the journey of looking for character so peace physical attraction we all have differences of opinion what that is but it's certainly not bells and whistles if it's bells and whistles we're talking more about infatuation so let's be hey that's a good point can i slow it down so did i get it down that's a good point that you just brought up that i want to make sure people understand it's not oh my it's not you're not saying be smitten right you're saying be attracted like we have to calibrate um and and that's an important modification that you made that i just want to make sure people are are hearing which is um to balance that properly excellent thank you charlie for embellishing that um then we deal with a a is admiration do i see qualities in that person that i look up to that i admire about him that i haven't seen someone else that i've dated that makes me say ah you know he or she is special a has two points to it admiration and acceptance no one is perfect can i accept that person even though we all have faults beautiful whether it may be a medical condition that he has or not a problem from adolescence whatever it may be i can accept him for who he is now we're moving up the line let's pause here too if i if i can because i want to make sure each point is they're awesome um and this by the way applies well into your marriage right this doesn't this doesn't end and this applies by the way as i'm thinking about the a applies in so many other people but but what you said was so critical just now that i want to make sure it's clear which is a is really the the opposite of of searching for perfection right it's i admire you and i accept you you're you're not perfect but but you you're what you have is something that i respect and look up to and i accept the imperfections that really is is a super powerful um gift if you will that you give to the other person in the relationship absolutely yeah absolutely just keeps you on your feet on the ground yeah yeah and the next one is even just as strong and that's i and that's emotional intimacy often times even just this past week i had a situation with a boy and a girl who came in with their matchmaker because it wasn't a hat something was going off they weren't connecting and in front of us she says i don't feel like i know him in front of us oh all four of us are discussing this charlie and emotional intimacy is we know each other we look forward to being with each other we share with each other we expose our vulnerability to each other we can't wait to be for each other we do little things for each other we'll buy i'll buy her her favorite chocolate bar she picks me up from the subway that's how you know it's happening it's starting to gel your lives are organically just flowing with each other emotionally and that's critical which was very important fascinating yeah and then the last point is we should never have to know from it but respect there's no place in any relationship for a lack of respect and if a person can can use this tool and apply it to their relationship and they can get an affirmative response and you have physical attraction you're looking really good yeah i know it's interesting what you're saying is that and this i guess gets i'd love to get your opinion on this because there's a difference there's a difference of opinions you know even even in in jewish thought i've heard it in in different ways um this idea of basher this idea of finding your one right and there's different ways of seeing it there's you know the talmud says that before a child was born they sort of speak call out in shamayim and they say these people meant to be together there's other opinions that say no it's really more complex than the one finds the one and that's how you can have multiple marriages different like what's your opinion on what you described um for a person who says each person could be the one that works but what do you tell someone that says i have those things but i don't know i'm waiting for the one you know that like the one weight the holdout how do how do you navigate through that i hear first of all i'll give you my take on what i think about that person that was predestined for you as we know from the talmud um there is one person that's destined for you that will be the easiest one for you to attach to but that's not necessarily the only one you understand but that person will find their way into their into your life and if you use your free will properly and make the proper choices you will be able to then connect and build a home together and everything should go well as long as you behave you understand what what do i tell people again we have to ground people today more than ever in reality mode because they can continue on in their fantasy land forever and ever and ever you understand you tell them what are you feeling what are you seeing here do you look forward to seeing her do you enjoy her company do you have common values did you speak about how you're going to earn a living together did you speak about how you're going to take care of the errands and the house together did you speak about how you want to raise children together did you deal with depth i've created a pdf anybody's willing to contact me later of 100 questions that people need to ask in their dating courtship because the only way charlie you can determine if she or he is the one is if you have great communication communication is the key it's going to be the key to finding the one and keeping the one post marriage we all know that that's the vehicle you know as as you're saying i think that it really brings to light a couple of points that i want to bring i want to make sure it's clearly in my mind which really it's it's interesting i think that people can use faith incorrectly here and i'll i'll explain i've seen people say to them well is she my bashert is she my one meaning what they're saying is can i put on my god lenses and like see into her soul and then somehow feel the electricity and go oh i got it no no no i got it this is it right and meanwhile like who says you get to be god right like god's like listen tough guy like take a chance you know what i'm saying like relax let me be god you be regular how about this listen to dr jack p-a-i-r okay like relax i sent you a wonderful girl let me tell you what i don't want you to do behind her head start strolling for more girls see what i'm saying like i said you're a wonderful guy let me tell you what i want you to do picture your life in 45 years and ask yourself in 45 years from now am i like relax there's someone in front of you use your head and i think if a person can use these principles and say i'm not gonna search if you will for my one i don't know how to i don't have the tools i have what's in front of me and if i use like you're saying if i use tools that are available to me in my mind now with the person sitting before me i have a better likelihood of finding my one which i may not know is my one for maybe a decade into our marriage i don't know what your experience is and maybe you don't really see it until you wake up one morning 10 years later and go oh my gosh this really is my one or 50 years later and maybe the whole search for the one is actually preventing people from finding their one could be yeah i hear it's a very good point yeah i i agree let's not get mystical with this stuff it's it's common sense it's like the first rule i learned in medical school kiss keep it stupid simple stupid don't get complicated you have very very specific ways to help yourself today with a little guidance it doesn't have to become complicated yeah humble uh unbelievable okay our next video is about what's called yentas dr jack you know what yeah because you come from from from my background you come from the sy world do you are you familiar with the termintes my mother's ashkenaz okay okay you got it too so what what's the syrian word fienta how how do we say yenta in in essence oh wow you got me now uh i have to look that one up i don't have that term right right right so for those who are unfamiliar the yenta is the the the the the chitter chatter the talkers and in in the good jewish family there's got to be someone who's a yenta so people are scary enters what are they going to say what are they talking like many times relationships you as you're in a relationship like the yenta somehow comes in and she makes you she makes you nuts she how come you're not dating yet i can't believe you know there's always that lady at the wedding that goes to the girl and goes by the way you know maybe if you lost a few like you know that lady so let's talk about yentes let's go to the videotape and see what our ladies on the trip thought about yentas what is a yenta that's a great question and is always in the know always posting always asking always wanting to know about somebody else's life and definitely there's a little lush and horror going on over there so we all have to try not to be a yenta ajenta is somebody that's in everybody's business i think yintas um get trapped because we are i think we tend to want to talk about people and circumstances for sometimes for entertainment's sake and to make ourselves sound better than other people and i think that's a trap we get into and we should be very careful i think it's funny that i said what's a yenta trap and you immediately said we you identified yourself as a yet well women are yantas men are not yentas they're just not i think a yenta trap is when you just take a topic and you just discuss it for a long time and you just go down like a deep hole and it doesn't really do much or help much but you just kind of like discuss it till it's like regurgitated a hundred times a yenta is a someone that i would describe as wanting to know too much about other people's lives and then share taking that information and sharing it with others and possibly maybe embellishing it do you know any answers unfortunately yes so let's talk a little bit about yentas and and the reason i bring this up is because in the world of dating in the world of marriage right especially i would think in the young when you when you're young and you really are looking for the approval of people around you um how do yentas which you may be related to get in the way what could be a way for people to navigate around not ruining it for others because of their own if i can use this word yentennis you know i have to share a story with you i was flying to the west coast on a speaking tour i was picked up by my host and his wife and she looked like she was white as a ghost i said what happened miss whatever called her goldstein she said you won't believe this dr jack i was working on a match i introduced several men young men to a young woman they were about to get engaged we're at holding by date 17 and the boy shows the picture of the girl to his girl cousin and she says you're gonna go marry her she's so ugly he was so mortified by her response he broke he was about to propose that day he broke off the relationship wow amazing like that boom and the guy was like beside himself because we my wife and i were working so hard we thought they were going to be such a great couple within an hour the guy was out because he was concerned about what his female cousin would say it's unbelievable even today i'm working on a case right now of a client that i have who's she's in her mid-30s she is engaged to a guy who is say 10 years older than her 44 about but he's been married twice and she's getting bombarded how can you go out with a guy like this he's been married twice meanwhile i met them i think they clicked fantastically they're both growing very nicely spiritually they both match each other well she's at the wedding gown store today and thinking of calling it off because she can't handle the com the the the birds that are chipping on on the fences so so let's talk about it from both angles if you can first of all to give you know this is a tremendous you know every the story about uh i'll tell you this quickly i i'm so moved by this story there's a story that someone told me about um two girls in a in a park that were talking about their friend that got engaged um and they were saying i can't believe she got engaged you know she she comes across as such a you know a holy person she's not so holy she you know she she's got a lot of makeup and they're just the two of them on a park bench are just really disparaging this girl they're they're threatened they were you know they were they were jealous so an older woman came to her and said i want to thank you both girls she wasn't part of the conversation she was you know you know with an ear shop at another bench in the park and she walks up to the two girls and she goes i want to thank you both and they said why she goes i've been sitting here in the park watching my my my grandkids and hearing you speak about this girl and you know the words that you say it happens to me that these the girl that you're talking about they got engaged got engaged to my son oh and i'm gonna go call it off and they go no no you don't understand we didn't mean it it's not true don't do it and she goes okay fine i won't because it's not my son but it could have been my son so why don't you watch what you say right i heard that story once it blew me away it's a great story i i think that one of the things you're bringing out here and i want to hit both um because really this is probably the last point that we have i want to i want to end with this really is talk talk a bit a little bit about people don't understand as much as even in jewish practice the rabbis will say words matter words matter you pray you can change the world you open your mouth you can destroy your world people don't understand that when they are talking to even their own children they could be destroying their chances of great relationships share this a little bit about just how powerful words are in relationships based on what you what you're seeing words are so amazingly powerful they're the foundation of life they could build a person they can destroy an individual you can use compliments to make a person feel special in this business in this business more than anything else you can take a person who is inferior and turn them into a superstar with how you talk to them or you could take the opposite scenario charlie you could take a great individual and just verbally destroy them by constantly criticizing them and turning them into a meaningless nothing words are the vehicle for living words are the the way we become anything in this world words are so critical that we have to use them to give pleasure and not pain yeah i i and one of the things i think is critical just to mention here um is that people especially people that are in families don't appreciate that when you use your words in a negative way you not only could be ruining a relationship you can be ruining your relationship right how many families are now passively aggressively or or or regularly at each other because of words that was said in the beginnings of those of those relationships do you find that absolutely you know um it's like an elite crystal you drop it and you do it back but it's never the same again so true so true what does somebody do how does somebody navigate works you know let this is a hard game right you're around people that you know you're around people that care for you right and people have their own agendas here's a woman who's happy she's married she's about to marry a guy and a people the the ladies around her or the people around her aren't trying to hurt her they're trying to help her so how do you help somebody learn how to know when the word should be listened to and when not there's two sides there's two philosophies here in preparing someone for marriage there's a concept called respecting my boundaries that you have to make the other person in your life or the other people in your life understand what the boundaries are that there are no go zones where i'm not going to tolerate certain language and that is beyond that i'm not going to allow you to disparage me i'm not going to allow you to demean me in words but at the same time review i spoke about one of his ten commandments is don't take mean words seriously sometimes that person is having a bad day sometimes the person is uh not feeling well that there's come in most homes there's going to be an exchange like benjamin franklin i got to share something amazing with you he said something when you're married or rather when you're dating open both eyes and both ears when you're married close one eye and close one ear i understand you have to learn how to screen and process and realize that okay you have to sometimes you have to call out the person for having said something to you which is unacceptable because that's how you teach them how to behave we'll teach others how we want them to behave by what we're willing to tolerate that they do to us jolly right right absolutely dr jack how do people find you what's the best way to reach you to find you had a people saying very easy i have a website called doctorjackdating.com i have my uh my phone number is open to the world just send me a whatsapp or a text 305 206 one 1916 or so yeah that's it or send me an email dr jack cohen 18 gmail.com god bless you god bless you wow continue your wonderful work do you realize what you do every time you bring peace to someone that's like in heaven it's forget it god bless you we should uh only have only you shall see good things for everything that you're doing and thank you for what you do for the jewish people and for uh for shining your light on this world charlie was a pleasure being with you just a labor of love to be with you i agree next time we have to do this physically definitely definitely thank you so much for the privilege to be with you thank you dr jack appreciate it and that was dr jack call what an incredible incredible individual it was so wonderful to be with him on the show and i learned so much and i'm sure you learned so much as well um and please please feel free to to reach out to him and i want to sort of close with a couple of words that that that i i got from i got so much from him but i want to share with you just one or two insights that's in my head right now you know we speak about how every show connects to shabbat because everything connects to shabbat and what what what really i i guess what i'm what i'm still feeling this concept that shabbat comes in and in the beginning of shabbat when it comes in god says make kiddish stand before me and and speak because when god created the world if you notice something amazing when god created the world he created the world with speech god spoke when we come into shabbat we come into shabbat with the understanding that we are partners in creation in our speech matters our speech is a creative element so much in of relationships and dating is that in which we that in which we say watching the words we say about others building the person across from us trying to connect in a much deeper way when you combine the speech that is the creative force of shabbat and when you also combine what shabbat means in terms of the way we deepen our eyes shabbat says i know the physical world is tempting i know you want to do everything today you got to take a day from the world because it's it's sucking you up you got to put the phone down got to put the life down you got to stop driving you got to just stop stop just for a minute you know no more stuff you get to be gonna deepen your eyes have to see beyond the surface your lips have to sanctify me and your eyes have to see behind beneath the surface isn't that what relationships are to see beyond the surface of the person in front of you they're not just not my luck not my look not my luck they're not just when do you become perfect to accept them to admire them to look for their character traits to see the best in the person that you're with whether you're dating or you're married whether you're married a minute or a lifetime when we use our words to build each other up and not tear each other down when we look in our we look through our eyes to see the inside of a person on the outside we find our one and there are many ones we find the essence of our families our children our spouses are people who are dating we see the depth in people that's how we build the core when we become deeper people we have deeper relationships we have deeper relationships we're stronger when we're deeper people we connect to the outside world very differently and so on behalf of me and mine to you and yours i wish you a shabbat shalom i hope next week do this in jerusalem but if not i hope to see you back here let's take a minute this week let's look at the people in our lives let's see if we can adjust our vision to see them a little deeper than we did before let's see if we can sanctify our mouths to speak words that build and not tear down we should have incredibly wonderful powerful shabbat so have an awesome weekend have a good shabbos from all of us here shabbat shalom we together with every generation they take one raising the haters then [Music] go there is only one place we know [Music] together [Music] hey [Music] you