"It's perfectly perfect, not to be perfect"

today i want to share a thought that i have that i think is going to save a lot of marriages it's going to save a lot of issues it's going to save the next generation i think that one of the greatest issues today's day is perfectionism what do i mean by that what i'm claiming is that all of us are perfectionists in different places and this is destroying us it's limiting us it's making us stuck and we cannot get out of it let me explain perfectionism means that you think that something needs to be perfect this belongs to be this way if your spouse or someone near you does it the other way you get upset or you would never ask for help many women would never ask they want their husbands to help them they don't ask for help because they they have a certain way of doing it they know their husband is going to go shopping for them he's not going to buy the right thing he's going to spend too much money too little money he's not going to buy the right nash but everything has to be perfect and if he's not doing it perfect then it's hard for her to ask him to do it but then she's upset why he doesn't help her she never she's always scared to ask him for help because whenever he does help her it's not the way exactly the way she wants it to be and obviously this is vice versa husband's asking women the same thing wife's the same thing and this is something that is across the board but i want to backtrack for a moment where did this all begin and why in this generation do we suffer from it so much today we are living in a world of emotional abundance we have everything we have so much people buy a new phone a new car they wanted to have every feature scottish day feature this is missing that's basically this is a better one constant the conversation in the in the western culture today's day everything the conversation is what's better this computer is better that computer is better this phone that phone this design glasses this shirt it's and if it's not perfect i bought a new phone it's great i could buy a new phone for 500 and you could buy a phone from samsung go from apple for a thousand for fifteen hundred dollars you know what the difference is a little perfectionism if you're a photographer and you need your the best camera yes you should buy one of the two a galaxy or apple but if you're not a photographer you don't need the best camera you don't need to have the best restaurant you don't need to have the best food i'm not even going to the conversation being spoiled but i think it's something else all of this created a generation of perfectionists we are all perfectionists in different places some of us are perfectionist it's only my way of thinking and i worked out what i think is considered what what is accepted what is not acceptable my way of doing for my children is the way i figured it out and if you are doing it it's not going to be perfect so i can't trust you i can't move on perfectionism breeds a lot of inner pain and inner anger in a worry interfere we don't even know we are perfectionists some people are the greatest slobs in their house their house is flying because that's not the place where their perfectionists at but this same person can be perfectionist somewhere else so i believe that the situation in the world the abundance the extra and this whole american culture western culture that came into us created us to be that we need to have everything the best you even need to have the best that ever my neighbor ah the greatest the great you're there i need the best than ever you can't go to exotic it has to be the greatest sonic in the world you can't have you you know if if you don't if you some people are perfectionists they believe that learning is if you learn smack for two hours tomorrow you learn only one hour yeah so you're not going to learn at all davening with minion it's only three hours if you dive in half an hour with many rather davina hombies i'm not even talking about black and white thinking all or nothing i think a lot of black and white thinking a lot of all or nothing thinking is an is an outcome from a certain perfectionism that's in our brain how about we raise our kids and we tell ourselves i'm not perfect i'm not looking to be perfect i strive to be perfect i know what perfect is but i'm not looking to be one to be there because i don't think i'll get there but it's good to know where perfect is but i don't need to be there hashem is very happy with me hashem is not a perfectionist from our perspective hashem wants us to grow better and better and better not to not to just be it takes 90 years for person to go through this lifetime to to become better and better and nobody dies perfect there's no starting there's no one that could claim to be that that never did why because hashem knows there's no perfectionism perfectionism is against the toyota people want to get married and do the alohas and all those in union everything with perfection maybe you're hurting your partner maybe it's a perfectionist issue you decided that this is yiddish kind you decided this is normal it's normal it's not normal and people always ask what's normal how do you think we should wonder what's normal use your cycle or whatever you think or just ask you know a professional in that field and whatever makes sense to you you do and you should know you're not going to be perfect and don't tell your kids you're perfect tell them you're trying so they're not going to want to be perfect how many children get a feeling from us when we're kids and we need to make 100 on the test and if i don't strive to be perfect i'll never make it so forget about it the whole thing why can't we tell our child i'll be so proud of you if you make a 60 on the test and then a 70 and then 80. 80 is perfect i always say 80 is perfect 100 is ocd perfection nervousness the the destroys people's lives i'm going to tell you that i know i deal with shalom by us a lot and without one of the greatest one of the greatest issues in marriages is perfectionism and everywhere ever there's a club a crew and khabib perfectionism is in the way the rav decided that his killer has to look exactly this way it's not flexible at the borders it has to be it's come from perfectionism who decided this quesadillas has to be perfect who decide this kill us to be perfect we can have all kinds of eden all kinds of people in our habita and what's amazing is if you look at the mishnahs someone lost their loved one for that week you shouldn't take shiva one of his people died he took a shower he's told me to master whatever how dare you just told us not to he says i'm a perfectionist i can't why did the mission have to write this why did the mishnah tell us the mishla's teaching there's three things that the mishnah talks tells us about that becoming that he taught us and neither different he says you know on evert so why does the mission have to tell us because the mission is telling us to start the mission is before gamut the commissioner starts and teaches us something that there's alohas but there's always a yo to me of course you have to know when if then ask a roof someone or you should know yourself how to learn and know the source to know when it can be flexible and not to be flexible but the mishna teaches us there is no such thing as a stagnant stiff hard boxed rough edged halogen it doesn't exist it's flexible the ways of the toilet is it's soft what does that mean that means that it's flexible to a certain sense that we understand there's no such thing as perfectionism perfectionism is one of the greatest causes of issues today why can't we live with people that believe different than us they see away this hashem different than us we we get we go shopping everybody shops different the society is better and worse who are you to decide it comes from perfectionism and i think the cure is start with your children and then with yourself both yourself any children daftke do not buy the best car you don't have to lease the best car at least the second to the best car maybe that's why hashem made this is so complicated to get new cars these days people cannot you don't need to buy the best the worst car today is better than the best car 20 years ago so who says elita the best from this year you can have the best from 10 years ago you're not missing anything if your phone doesn't connect to android the auto automatic you have to plug it in again people are buying a fifty thousand dollar purchase they're buying fifty thousand card and and it doesn't have automatic when you come in your phone doesn't automatically connect to that you consider the whole car as a garbage the car has a million amazing features we became perfectionists buy your phone knowing that it's not the best phone and if you could teach this to your children i'm only saying this to teach to change and to hopefully help eden for the next generation teach sonic zisakinder lenz it does not have to be perfect not everything has to match every single time of course we have to look like mentioned and of course we have to don't buy a junky broken phone i'm not saying that i'm saying buy a good phone but you could buy a phone for 500 or 1500 the only difference is a little perfection you make that purchase you sit down your kids you see i was just about to spend so much more money and i didn't because i don't need to have the best i'm still great i'm awesome i'm amazing even if i'm not the best so what happens is i will have a better self-confidence even if i'm not perfect so i think the greatest pandemic from our generation now is perfectionism look into yourself you're going to find all those places where you don't trust someone else or you just can't connect or or or engage in other people and even do business how many people they don't want to start a business until everything is organized yes it's good to be organized don't just jump into a business deal but you have to make buenos i think it was the owner of linkedin and he said that he if someone he created the linkedin is the facebook for the business and he created the website and he said it wasn't perfect and he launched it and then he perfected it more and more became better and he wrote a quote and he says if you start a business when it's perfect you started it too late don't be a perfectionist start start learning every day five minutes a day two seconds a day do one small thing who said you have to be perfect hashem doesn't need you to be perfect it's perfectly perfect not to be perfect people are looking for shading it has to be the perfect children they have a list i do a lot in the dating coaching and people have a list of this this this you could check off you went up with the girl over with a boy ten times one thing on the list is it's not for me really really hashem made marriage for two imperfect imperfect people to become more perfect to become better marriage is a middle workout machine it's not with two perfect people come together marriages are two imperfect people come together we have a lot of common ground that have common values and they decide to get married and then to work on each other and to grow together and to become better nobody's perfect don't look for the perfect boy don't look for the perfect girl look for someone that you can have some cycles with you feel connected there's something there between you you have shared values as i said that's it this is going to save your life it's the day after sick is today and i put together the whole name keep it safe and sickest and we all want to end the sickest with the young and to go into the new year i think the greatest checklist you should do sit down and say what's really bothering what what's between me and my husband what's between me and my wife is it my perfectionism does she have to cook everything so perfect does she have to make the laundry every single day exactly she has to fold it away if not you feel don't feel good she doesn't change the diaper the second you want you feel you have to change the diaper every hour you're a perfectionist your wife wants to change the diaper every three hours every two hours who decided of course the baby didn't make who decided this is all perfectionism and this is all standing in your way and i'm dealing with hundreds of shambias i'm telling you i'm sure all my colleagues people that do what i do would agree with this message that perfectionism is in the way of our hat it's in the way of our happiness again took