Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Answering Life's Most Important Questions Part 1

okay thank you so we're here at the M Monday night lecture for couples and today we have um a lot of questions that came in and we'll try to answer some of them but we need to decide and I'll offer you some questions the first set of questions is um philosophical questions fundamentals of life that each individual needs to know whether he's married or not young or old even I would say Jewish or not Jewish and the second set of questions applies to people who are married so let me go through the first set of questions and then we'll choose what we should do question number one how do we know that there is God question number two how do we know that God created the world question number three how do we know that God is still involved in the world he didn't leave the world and go somewhere else question number four how do we know that there isaba there is life after death and question number five is why in the earlier days Miracles happened and people witnessed God God appeared to them there was Revelation and in our times we don't see Miracles and God doesn't appear to us like some people say I would believe in God if he appeared to me this is question number five now the second set of questions are for people who are married and they go like this how can a couple reconcile different levels of observance how can a couple reconcile different ways of raising children how to decide to have more children or stop how to decide when to start having a child when both couples are both both spouses are in a very rigorous uh course of study how to choose the right school for your children should it be more social should it be more academic should it be more religious should it be more on the right on the left should it be Safar ashkanazi or Syrian another question how do you convince your spouse that they should think and do like you want and the final question when can a a spouse forcefully interfere in in the other one's life so here you have two sets of questions let's take a vote who wants the the first set of questions okay the first set of question yes so we have four people and what what about the second set okay okay very good so so the second set wins unfortunately for for you but you know what come again it's okay they're both good we can do half in half okay let's see we'll address these I'll try to do quickly in a few minutes and then we'll go to the first set okay very good so let me start with the question that Rabbi um maumu asked how do I convince my spouse to think and do like I want and the reason I'm I'm starting with this is because all the other questions really depend on that if I am of a different religious level then I want either my spouse to become higher or I want that my spouse shouldn't be so fanatic if I think differently than my spouse how to raise children then I want them to do I like I say because I I grew up in a better home or I read more books or I have a degree in in in that area and they don't or I'm just smarter and and they should listen to me how to raise our kids or should we have more children or not I think we should and therefore I'm right or I think we shouldn't or It's usually the lady who says uh if you want to have a kid have it you know I'm not stopping you but if you want me to have one then it's up to me so the other one is choosing the right school I think this school is better for my child my spouse thinks this and I want to convince them that they we should go to that school cuz it's closer to our house and it's cheaper um when is the right time to have the first child same thing we might have different opinions and when can a spouse interfere one will say never interfere in my life and the other says I want to interfere in your life so again how do I convince my spouse to think and do what I want so one time a boy called me and he said Rabbi can you please help me to find a wife and I said sure let's let's try and I said what are you looking for so he said I have only one criteria I want that she should be easygoing I said okay and I'm thinking to myself what does it mean easy going so I said to him what do you mean by easy going so he said what I mean is that if I say something she should listen and not argue so I said okay very nice okay I'll look for someone like that and I I didn't call him back because you know that's that's not my definition of is easy going I don't I don't I I didn't check the dictionary I'm not sure but that's not the kind of spouse um we're looking for so do we want our spouse to be easygoing that they should listen to what we say of course we want but does it happen if they're in a good mood if we treated them very well maybe once in a while it's going to go smoothly but most of the time they are a different person so that's what we have to realize for all these questions and especially the the one asked how to convince my spouse to think like I think is that we have to realize that every human being is different that that's what uh the talmud says that just like our faces are different so too our thoughts are different Hashem created each person with a different outer appearance and that is in in order to remind ourselves they are not me when I'm looking at them it's not like I'm looking in the mirror I don't see the same person as when I look in the mirror and that means I have to remind myself that means that what's going on in their mind is not what's going on in my mind and what they experienced in their childhood and even today is not what I experienced and therefore what since they think differently they have different experiences they desire different things so Whose desire is more correct or more valid or stronger which Whose desire wins is it the husband is it the wife is it the one who is older is it the one who is stronger is it the one that earns more is it the one that screams louder Whose desire are we going to follow so the good thing is that it's not a dictatorship and therefore you don't need one opinion to win all the time that means that we have to be accepting that there is someone else in my life life and therefore when making a decision it's not what I said and it's not what he or she said it makes my life less scary because I don't have to do everything that my spouse says I do have the right to politely disagree and at the same time it makes my life harder because my wife was will not agree with everything I say I have to expect resistance I have to expect arguments and I shouldn't be disappointed when my wife doesn't like my ideas it is by the way I'm speaking to the wives it is very disappointing for husbands when you don't like his ideas one of the worst feelings in life is when your wife doesn't think that your idea is the best so therefore where when whenever possible make him feel that his idea is the best um afterwards you can disagree but at least at least give him this initial gift of saying wow I like that idea and then you can say now let me tell you what I think that's much better than saying never it's crazy what you're saying first smile listen and and uh acknowledge that you heard it and then express your opinion that's just advice to make because when you make your um opponent or your companion feel good then they are more likely to listen to you you it becomes more of a teamwork I like what you're saying now listen to my idea and then there is no fight so even though it seems counterintuitive why would I agree with you if it may mean in your mind that if I like your idea means I have to follow it and I don't want to give any credit I don't want to give any points to your idea because the more good I find in your idea the more you'll expect me to agree to it but the reality is the opposite that the more we agree with the person and the more we show them that we thought about it and we take them seriously the more they will be able to listen to us and accept our idea so ultimately we have to um recognize that there is God that there is a a a a Creator and someone who runs the world because if not then it really is scary because if there is no God then if things don't go my way then it may be a disaster if I think that I am the smartest and that my ideas are correct and my wife disagrees or my children disagree or my parents-in-law disagree then I'm in trouble because they don't know what they're talking about I do and therefore I have to force my way and therefore I have to manipulate I have to be aggressive to make sure that they listen to me but if I know that there is God if I know that he runs the world then I can be confident and calm that things will work out just well meaning let's say there's an argument um how to raise children to use the strict approach or uh soft approach and each one thinks that if we don't raise our children the way I think is right then our children will die they will their life will be ruined so then if if um if I don't believe in God then and I love my children then I have to fight I really have to fight for it but if I have God in my life then I'll say you know what I'm not the one running the show Hashem has many Messengers in the world to make sure that my children go on the right path I am not going to do anything illegal I'm not going to raise my voice I'm not going to curse I'm not going to manipulate I'm not going to put anyone down because I know that these things are wrong about what's going to be with my children if I don't raise my voice if I don't if I'm not aggressive then God forbid my children will be raised by their mother [Laughter] so I have to understand that even so even though his or her idea of parenting is not the best but you know what I'm sure God will take care of them when they go to school they're going to have good uh teachers and and R when they play outside they're going to have a good friend when we move to a new neighborhood the neighbors are going to be good people he's going to get married to a good uh wife or husband and and uh they'll be okay Hashem will send help from outside the home that's in the worst case in the best case scenario using the the the proper communication and and and Care concern for another spouse you will be able to come out with a compromise and when a child sees that there is peace and understanding between parents they will come out good because they will grow up in a in a in a positive environment which is much more important than what technique you use to raise your children children yes shouldn't kids also know how to navigate heic environments that's that's true yes that's that's good yes so you're saying that even if you choose a wrong um parenting method and therefore your house is going to be upside down it's good for children they'll they'll be more resilient yes that's that's a good that's a good approach also yes so if we realize that there is God then he'll take care of me in other ways even if things don't go my way it's um it's like a husband and wife driving on a highway and uh the wife is saying why did you put your blinker you want to make a turn he says yes she says no you should go straight and he says why and she says because I think it's there and and he says no but I drove here before you have to make a left and she says no I think my friend told me we have to go right so who's going to uh be right over here H yeah the husband says I know better than GPS and she says look at the GPS so who is who's going to who's going to give in the one that is more confident the one that is stronger the one that has more trust in God he's going to give in why because it's okay if my wife wants me to go straight we'll go straight if we need to turn around afterwards we'll turn around maybe she's right or the same thing with the wife the wife can say you know what I think we have to go straight but if he wants to turn okay let him turn he'll see his wrong like always and uh and and then and then he'll He he'll follow me next time so either way you don't lose if you are confident and you know that in the end everything will work out yes how what do you do if some people feel like that they give in they're going to feel like a pushover so it's a good question what people always think that if I give in to my mother-in-law my husband or my boss I'm going to be a pushover I'm going to be taken advantage of if I say yes one time then I'll be expected to say yes always that's the same idea that if you believe that there's someone running the world and and that makes you confident the things will work out and that also makes you confident that I have worked Earth as a person because God created me just like he created my spouse just like he created my mother-in-law just like he created my boss and therefore I have the right to express my opinion in a polite way and therefore even if I say yes one time I have the right to say no another time so building this connection with God is going to make you stronger as a person and and that will make you softer and more compatible with everybody because you don't have to be scared and worry what will people do to me because nobody can do anything to me if God doesn't want unless I go along with what they want me to do so that's that's an example driving is a good example that it's okay to take a risk and follow your spouse so the same thing with raising children it's okay to take a risk and follow follow your spouse's method of raising children because either the Harmony in the family will be more uh will have a more positive effect on children than the negative um um of of wrong parenting it will outweigh it or who knows maybe maybe my spouse is right after all or there's God and he'll take care that my children despite the mistakes that we make my children will come out good anyway um the same thing with choosing the school we have to of course have the right um ideas but at the end of the day if my spouse wants one thing and I want something else it's more important to go along with your spouse than choosing the school that you think is right even if you think that this school is wrong for your children so again a a spouse that wants more secular education and less religion and another spouse wants less secular education more religion each one thinks that it will hurt the children if they go to the wrong school one says if they go to that school they'll never go to college they'll never get a job and they'll always be poor and the other one says if they go to that school they'll end up not religious and they'll marry a go God forbid so each one is worried about a valid concern but if they have uh Harmony peace at home and they focus on their children rather rather than fighting with each other and they say you know what let's send our child to that school that's more religious but we'll speak to them and we'll tell them that you have to be normal or let's send the child to the less religious school but will tell them that you know we're sending you there just for um education but you have to remember that there is God you have to remember there's Torah you have to remember that these are our standards you go there just to learn no friends there you come back and your friends are in our neighborhood whatever it is we compromise and we try to make sure that both both um values are kept however let's say both um husband and wife agree they say we're not fighting we just don't know should we choose a more religious school or less religious school more academically uh challenged school or less so here we have a a rule and the rule is that when you start off with something harder it's then be become it's then very easy to lower the intensity as opposed to you start with something very easy it's much harder to then upgrade so for example you send a child to a Yeshiva that's weak in Torah studies and he spends a few years there then he has no chance of ever going to a higher learning uh Yeshiva or you send a child to a Yeshiva where the religion is very weak it's going to be very hard for him to then become more modest more observant more strict not to eat certain uh it's going to be very difficult and the child is going to resist which means if you have a an equal Choice should we send here or here but this happens to be more religious you know what let's send him there he'll get used to it and then if we see it's hard for him or hard for us we'll transfer him he'll be happy the administration of new Yeshiva is going to be happy his friends are going to be happy it's very easy to make uh friends with uh those in a in a less religious Yesa very easy very easy to start going to clubs not hard at all so when you choose a higher level then to go to lower level is easy the same is with uh secular studies but secular studies can be supplemented which means let's say you want your child to go to a prestigious college but from this particular Yeshiva they usually go to a prestigious col and you don't want that and you're afraid that since most Boys in that Yeshiva don't get high school diploma cuz they don't care and you want your child to get high school diploma what do you do they not going to get any secular education so it's easy what you do is uh what many parents do in such isas um a month before region they hire a tutor and in one month he teaches them the entire course and they get high very high marks on their Regent exam and they go to a prestigious college and they graduate with honors that happens almost with all religious uh Jews because going to a a very um demanding Torah studies Yeshiva sharpens your mind they have to think deeply and they have to focus the entire period and the period can be 40 minutes an hour hour and a half 2 hours 3 hours and they have to think for that whole time no pictures no computers no uh movies they have to concentrate on the text or on the thought and so that develops their mind very well they become mature and very intelligent and afterwards and I had I used to be a high school math teacher and uh science teacher and so I see that the most successful boys were the the the the children of rabbis why because they demanded from them that they should do well in their gamor studies and because of that they got the material the first so both in um you can get both the the religious aspect and you can get the secular Studies by knowing how to navigate the system because you don't need to go for a year to learn algebra you can learn algebra in a month as many Yesa students have Pro proven you don't need to learn chemistry for a year because what do they do in the chemistry class for most of the time labs they talk discipline problem and and they repeat the information for those that didn't get it so there is a lot of waste of time happening there so even if you don't succeed to in convincing your spouse to send your child to a Yeshiva that is very academic it's not the end of the world you can still have your prestigious College by hiring a tutor for just one month a year and your your child will be the happiest no homework the whole year no sitting through this class and and the best is because when children are not motivated to learn secular studies which inas that's what it is it ends up being um a joke and what they do is they make fun of the teacher they they um do trouble they talk to each other and learn bad things they curse and so you don't really want your child to be in such a class you would rather them be in a Yeshiva that is realistic we're going to give them minimum secular studies because we know our students are smart and they don't need to sit for an hour a whole year to learn just a few rules of geometry and we'll give them a crash course at the end of the year and they'll Ace the regions so you would rather your child learn good manners from his rabbis instead of learning Bad Manners from his classmates in a in a secular studies class so again with compromise and saying okay let's say our child will go to that Yeshiva but what about my concerns and then your spouse seeing that you're agreeing will be much more um likely to agree to fulfill your U needs so again your wife says I want our child to go to a Yeshiva that they learn secular studies 80% of the time and religious St is 20% of the time so you'll say it's okay but when he comes home we'll hire him a rabbi who is going to sit with him and learn with him for an hour and he'll cover a lot of ground in Torah and you why will will say for sure because my dream is that he should go to that Yesa and therefore she'll agree with everything and the same if you you choose the most Ultra uh Orthodox Yesa in B but you say but on one condition that when he comes home we're going to hire him a tutor and for one hour he's going to teach him all the math he needs for college all the all the science and your your spouse will say sure and the this way in a peaceful way you'll get both now the other question when can a spouse interfere forcefully with the behavior of the other and remove an object from their domain so we we know there's an expression you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink that means that it doesn't work to force people and it really works against you that you notice that the more you um scream at your children the less they pay attention to you the more you scream at your spouse the less they pay attention to you and the less time they want to spend with you or at home the more you try to force someone the more resistance you cause and if you see that they have chosen a bad path in life unfortunately and you're talking to them or pushing them doesn't help so you unfortunately have to watch them hitting the rock bottom and realizing themselves that they are not on the right path and then they will ask you for help and then when they ask you for help then you help them until they ask for help you cannot help them and in fact there there are two organizations one is called uh Twisted parenting if you've heard of it it's it's a good uh Rabbi who gives a lot of lectures to parents how to raise their children especially if they started already not listening and they started already showing Behavior that's not good what do you do so it's called Twisted parenting because he teaches you to think not the normal way normally we think the more I push the the FAS I'll get the response like someone said um he was screaming at his his wife and the rabbi told him why did you scream at her and he said because I told her once I told her second time I realized she doesn't hear me so I started screaming so we know that the more we try to force someone the more resistance we get and therefore the idea is twist it around and say I will become my child's friend and I will go along with them and I will make them think that I'm on the same team and that I have their best interest in mind to the point of even helping them to do what they want to do even if it's forbidden because the number one goal is that they should start listening to us if you scream they're not going to listen if you take away what they want they're going to resist and they're going to go behind your back but when you show them that you're not judging them and that you are with them and that you are happy to help them and you accept them the way they are then they open up and they say you know what I really need help and and then you take them out of their misery yes yeah if it's really really life and death like immediate then you need to seek professional help whether it's uh police or it's a child even a child if it's life and death usually it's not life and death immediately it's usually something that we're worried if they continue on this path it will become life and death but right now it's not life and death and therefore in order to prevent it ever becoming life and death you first become your child's friend someone who he trusts he feels comfortable to open up to share and to ask for help if we become our child's policeman and dictator they will never open up and they will hide and it will be a fight instead of working together yes let's say you see your kid like engaging in like risk behavior like drinking speeding and all that stuff like how are you supposed to like drink with your kid like oh like like you know what I'm saying like oh like you want to drink he's already used to it then unfortunately that's what you have to do and until he sees that you're one of of his buddies and he says you know what my dad is cool I I'll listen to him but if he thinks he's old school I'm not going to listen to him so I'll give you a simple example not so scary um when I was uh let's say 6 years old maybe I was four I don't remember I used to pick up up um cigarettes from the floor and pretend that I'm smoking it's a it's a you know little kids like to do that so when my mother saw it she said you know what don't pick it up they're dirty people put them in their mouth I'll buy you a pack and that's what she did she bought a pack for me she bought the one without huh no she bought the one without the filter the the old style without the filter and um I was so happy I I uh went around with it pre pretending that I'm smoking I didn't have desire to smoke I just wanted and then one time I said you know what why don't I try so I tried it and of course I didn't like it what age are I I don't remember either four or six something like that you try smoking it's not really called smoking sming it's just lighting so so after that I said I don't need it anymore because I have a whole pack at home and I can pretend anytime I want so bashem that that experience took away the desire of smoking forever and um when my children were little they liked to to light fires so I told them it's a good idea I also like fires let's light it together and I taught them let's put something on the bottom like a brick or something metal let's bring a a pale of water let me supervise you you do like this you don't do like this and and we did they were very happy and then I told them next time you want to light fire call me and that's it since then whenever they wanted to light fire they would call me and or at least they would tell me we are over there we're going to do this and this we're taking this much paper with us we're taking this so many matches we're there and we know we we we have water we're safe and if anything I could come and check on them so again when you show them that you're not against you're not going to judge them you're not going to punish them for what they're doing then they're not afraid and they come to ask advice should I do it like like this or should I do it like that come with me so next time let's say you tell your son next time you want to drink call me we'll go together this way you'll protect him that number one he's not going to over drink and number two he's not going to drive and he's not going to do something worse than that so that's 100% sure I GRE with my dad at home saying drink at home so you know you're living so it's not like oh you have to be 21 like I grew up with having liquor till today I've never been drunk before in my life one I know my limit two like I never cared for her my friends were always so excited 18 21 drinking drinking and I was like why who cares my one's like always available to me but and like and I respected my parents and my parents taught me that like don't leave your drinks on the table on attendant you know like things like that that my dad made me feel comfortable and I felt comfortable enough if I could drink it at home I don't have to run behind them and do I agree 100% very good and when it comes to smoking if your wants to smoke like you want to smoke smoke with me yeah yeah I I don't think yeah yeah it's better than with friends right and what they're smoking right so um the the the the great example is by Jewish people there's much lower um incidence of alcoh Al alcoholism than by other nations and one of the reasons is because we use alcohol from young age the 8 days old we already give them wine by Brit Mila and every Shabbat every holiday they see us drinking and we give them we pour into their cup the wine and they drink and so they grow up with with knowing that it's acceptable and if I need it's not forbidden and therefore it's not so exciting and they will listen to us when we tell them about dangers of drinking because they know that we are not against it we drink and we let them drink and therefore they will respect us and and listen to us so also smoking exp D yes they app right right with going behind your back right any dangerous Behavior not only that Rabbi raal H Samson raal H he says the same idea applies to religion sometimes um parents are afraid that their children shouldn't see anything not according to their values so he says there are three levels of um inappropriate I I mean three levels let's say one level is the the the the level that is ideal for you that you feel this is the best another level the another extreme is what you feel is absolutely bad let's say a nice Jewish neighborhood as opposed to taking them to Harlem or parts of Manhattan or parts of San Diego or or whatever San Francisco where you don't want your children to be ever and then there's something in the middle and something in the middle is where you take your children on a trip to a non-religious neighborhood or you take them to the subway and you give them a guided tour of the non-jewish neighborhood of the subway of the secular world so ra says that we should live in the place that's ideal for us that fits with our values we should avoid completely the the very bad places but we should on purpose take our children to the the the middle um place which is not the best but it's not the worst and show them this is how they they live for two reasons number one so that they are not enticed that they're not that they don't have desire to you know C curiosity I want to see what's there what do the the go have you show it to them you said This Is How They Live you show them people on the Street Homeless and uh whatever people who walk around doing nothing you you explain to them how they run after materialism and pleasure and and honor and you tell them that we don't do such thing so number one you remove their desire and number two you make them more confident that their way of life is good because when they see outside world and then they compare to what they have at home they say you know what I like my parents way more so this is another example that by exposing your children to things that you really don't want them to do but doing it in a controlled way makes them stronger and less likely that they will do those things yes what do you do about social media social media it shows how beautiful the other side is and they make it look like there's never any problems over there which is very enticing right so that's that's another example where if you let your children have it unsupervised it's very bad if you don't let your children to have it at all it's dangerous because with their curiosity they might explore it hear about from their kid from their friends and then they will see only one side of it that it's all beautiful nothing wrong and they will also be negatively affected instead you should show them again to uh maybe be not the secular not the non-jewish entertainment you can show them the Jewish part of it but then show them the dangers of it how some some uh people who were in acting how they maybe got divorced or maybe how they became not religious from it or how they ended up in jail you know you you tell them the danger don't understand they see a video they're like oh video it's the number one priority right now no I start a toddler yeah toddler is in your in your hands and with a toddler you choose you have to choose what you show them and of course to toddler parental gu right you don't you don't show them but I started showing her videos like right entertaining so I slow it down like 50% speed so it's like slow motion that's good that's good yeah yeah yeah that that's that's that's a lot of sounds to get the kids attentions right so you can buy these toys or buy these yes yes yes backed up it's a big topic it's a big topic about the media but we know that unfortunately nowadays there is much more mental issues emotional disturbances in children and adults because we don't spend time Outdoors we don't spend time with the real world and uh our mind goes crazy because we live in a fake world that other people invented so we have to realize and have pity on our children and not give them too much um of fake world to mess up their mind how much should we like limited to like 20 minutes a day an hour depends on the child the age of the child the younger they are the less they should have it and it also depends on the dynamic in your home if you already expose them and they expected and they're going to be fighting with you about it then you have to see how much of a fight to put up if they are not yet exposed so try to hold off their exposure for as much as you can you cut it down yes for sure don't start it and if you do minimum the minimum that they will tolerate tolerate without a rebellion like 20 minutes a day huh 20 minutes depending on the age yes the threey olds three-year-olds really don't need it but they the parents need it yes parents parents need free time yes they think by watching is going to keep them busy that's why we have to be there to give them attention yes yes of course of course that goes into other questions how do you know if you should have more children or pause or stop or how do you know if I should start having children or I should postpone it yes um based on the previous question assuming we're not talking about teenagers and adult kids they're like a little bit younger assuming a child doesn't have a big T in area what if they're asking you something isn't it better to just say this is not healthy for you like let's say oh cig like don't do it it's terrible it's dangerous it's not healthy you rning your lungs and that should be enough for them instead of being oh yeah sure give it a try no for sure for sure if the child is not addicted to it yet then for sure but the point is that if you show them that you are adamant about it they might think that they're not going to ask you next time but if you show them that I'm notth screaming I'm not telling them I never want to hear this again no yeah let's talk about it yes it's okay Sometimes some people do it we don't do it I never did it or I tried I made a decision you talk about it and then in a conversation they get the the feeling from you that you don't approve of it that's fine but as long as you are accepting of people who do it you don't cancel them out you don't deny their existence so again how do you know if you should have a child or if you should have more children so it's a big topic again every couple should meet with a rabbi separately because it's very individual but to begin with we have to realize first of all are children important for us or not and we have to you know evaluate it and make a decision how important children are for us how and and then if they're very important how important is it to have more children than we currently have is it going to uh diminish the quality or not so ideally at Le least this is my opinion ideally we always want to have a lot of quantity of whatever it is and a lot of quality right that's always the ideal if something is good you want a lot of it and you want high quality we we never say that I want only a little bit of money you don't say I just want a little bit of education and it's enough for me I'll just pass my elementary school and it's going to be fine it's it's okay I don't need more we never say that we know that something is good and we want a lot of it a person opens a business and it's successful he wants to open another Branch he wants to expand he wants to build so the same thing really should be with children if we understand that they are important in life in life in the world and and really that's what children are because I'm reminded of a of a great story of of the King Kia who was a great sadic he was a a Torah scholar he was a king he was a great man and a prophet came to him and said God decreed that you're going to die now and he said why should I die I'm the greatest man alive I know the most Torah I'm the king of the Jewish people people why should I die what did I do and he said because you don't want to have children and he said yeah but I have a good reason for not having children what's your reason because I received a prophecy he was also a prophet I received the prophecy that my child is going to be bad and he's going to cause Jewish people to sin and I'm doing self-sacrifice I'm not going to get married I'm not going to have children and I'm not going to have a son who can take over I'm giving up my kingship let someone else be a king because I want to help the Jewish people I don't want them to have an evil king and the prophet said that's not a good reason you're still going to die because you're going against God and God wants you to have a child so he said okay in such a case if that's what God wants that I should have a child even though God knows that he's going to be evil then I'll have a child no problem I was doing it for God if God wants that I that I should have an evil child okay so he said to to the prophet you know you have a daughter let me marry her if you say that it's okay to have an evil child so let your daughter have an evil child and the prophet said okay fine if if if that's what uh the will of God is maybe the benefit of having such good parents you know my daughter is a sad and you're a sadik so maybe together maybe you'll have a good son so they got married and he really did have an evil son and he did cause Jewish people to sin to do idol worship and the whole Jewish people were they were almost destroyed because of this child but nevertheless the point of the story is that he told him don't worry about your own calculations do what God asks of you leave the rest for up to God so that's if we're capable but then come personal questions for example yes if we are able to have a child we don't care what kind of child it's going to be because if God wants he'll take care of whether he's going to be good or not it's not for us to decide whether he's going to grow up in a wealthy home or poor home it's not for us decide for example some people say I don't want to have another child because I know with my current income I cannot pay for their college and many people have one two children three children and they say I cannot afford more College tuition and therefore it's better they shouldn't be BN born then be born and their parents not able to pay for their tuition I can't handle that embarrassment that they will have to take a loan and pay for their own tuition so we understand that that's not a valid reason not to have a child just because I cannot Pro provide them with luxury what if someone Cann AFF to pay same idea organizations there are organizations they have all the years yeah but they give you that price then you can work it down right you you work it out anyone put that price know what your income is going to be your income could change also dress trip and you don't have to put your kid there you you can put your you don't have to get put your kid at $36,000 you can put your kid at, I went to school in Brooklyn my parents made it everybody can make it what school magav with how many kids four primary my sister a senior my dad's very happy so if your standards for physicality are not so high as well as you are not afraid to ask for help if need be then why not again I would rather the the the thinking should be I would rather give life to another child even if I have to work harder or I have to not go on so many vacations or I have to send them to less prestigious Yeshiva or even if I have to ask for help but to give life to another human being is uh is precious and what so yes so I'm just giving you right so I I I gave you one one example of a a personal um circumstance that is not valid because like she said we have to rely on Hashem and like she said your income increases and you don't have to send your child to Yeshiva until they are five or six or seven and uh therefore huh in Brooklyn so yeah that yeah move to Queens or you know in out of town communities they only pay1 or $200 a month they accept they only foras you have to start from 3K in Brooklyn okay so move out of Brooklyn for example for example for example there are good good communities in Ohio Cleveland Cincinnati in Colorado maybe in Arizona there are they either pay notation or they pay $200 a month what primary 3 yeah primary is400 no I think even if you don't it's like maybe it's a little more 570 it's not expensive very [Music] affordable let's leave the finances aside usually it's not a problem but what about if like you said a a parent has a a physical um problem like they're sick or they have an emotional problem or mental problem so then we have to know that our life comes first that we don't have to sacrifice our health or emotional well-being or mental state in order to have children and therefore if one of the spouses says I cannot handle a child or another child for a valid reason then they don't have to not only they don't have to they shouldn't but that doesn't mean that they should just sit with folded hands and say we're P we're we're not obligate for yes for sure but but after they receive the permission that yes in such a state you cannot have another child what they need to do is now go and try to heal themselves physically emotionally and mentally therapy uh standard alternative whatever there is they have to explore because they cannot continue living sick on any level they have to be successful in life yes what if you disagree on the POS what if your husband wants to go to one post and you want to go to a different post yeah you need to choose someone that you're both comfortable with what if you don't have you you have to find a rabbi that you're both happy with and if both agree yes I agree with him and I agree with him then you go and you listen but what if you can't agree on what if one spouse is very strict and very on a high level of observance and what if the so it's for the benefit of both of them to agree on something because if you don't agree then there's nothing to talk about so it's better to come to a compromise and even if it's not exactly your standard because at least you're going to get some result otherwise there's no result so so we spoke about having additional children you have to understand children are precious and if you already had a child and you see that they're cute you want to mess up and that they are smart too smart and every parent thinks the children are good then why not have more good in the world why not have you know instead of other people reproducing and populating the world with bad people why don't we have more children and populate the world with good with good people so having another child and knowing that I will raise them properly uh makes the the world a better place but now what about having a first child if you feel you're not ready so again if you feel that if you know that a child is precious and important in your life then you have to say what is stopping me from having a child while when I am in school let's say I don't have money so is it possible to take a loan private or right now from your parents from your in-laws from your siblings how much money do I need to be able to afford a child priv let's say I have to be in school no the private Lo Jewish ones Jewish ones let's say I'm in school for another two years and I can postpone my my first child for another two years or I can say you know what I'm going to have a child because of that I will not be able to have a part-time job or my spouse will not be able to work full-time they'll only be able to work 3/4s of the time and we're going to lose certain income and maybe I will have to postpone my degree by half a year let say and it will cause me to start my career half a year later maybe it's going to cost me a little more so can I afford let's say the number is going to be $10,000 that I need to be able to afford to have a child a year or two early so is it worth to have a child for two years or because of that I'll have one more child let's say like this I'll only be able to have four or five children like this I'm going to be able to have five or six children I'm going to have one more child is it worth to have another human being and my child and that child is going to give me so much happiness and pleasure throughout my lifetime and they're going to have their own family my grandchildren is it worth it to invest $10,000 to have another child so that's one way to look at it yes what if it's not about finances what if it's about like you know you're not able to put your all very good so let's say it's not about finances your your parents can support you or you have savings it's fine but you just not going to have time energy to take care of the child and the household and cooking and cleaning and taking care of yourself so it again goes back to finances because can I afford to hire help someone to clean the house someone to babysit someone to come into my house and take care of the child for a couple hours while I study or while I take a nap so if I have help and that will cost me let's say for the next two years $5,000 $10,000 and because of that I'll have a reliable babysitter or Mother's Helper I'll get a lady coming and doing all the laundry and we'll order suppers or we'll hire someone to cook for the whole week whatever we'll buy a little bit more expensive and we don't have to spend so much time shopping and then I'll be able to or maybe we're not going to go on vacation because of this and this and that is it worth a sacrifice if I feel that having a child giving birth to another human being having a potential to get great pleasure from them happiness from them and their children and grandchildren and going to their weddings and and all their all their um celebrations is it worth it to sacrifice my comfort my convenience money um and and maybe my career to postpone it by by a semester let's say if it is then it will be an easy decision yeah for sure I'll get I get I'll get a loan I'll get help I'll get this that I'll recruit my parents in-laws siblings to help me out if it's possible that's again my view that that would be better because keep in mind that the younger you start having children the easier it is on the lady we're not talking about 13 but our age um the younger you start the easier it is your body is more healthy the the healthier the children come out because your jeans are are healthier and the more time you'll be able to spend with your children the more energy you're going to have and the more games you're going to play with them you're not going to be there Grand grand father not having energy to play with them you're going to be their their father or mother so looking at it from all sides the younger you start the better it is the more quality you'll have and the more quantity you'll have and because of that your life eventually is going to be more pleasurable when you are surrounded by your happy children your your happy grandchildren and their spouses and it's the greatest pleasure you can think of yes so if I may add to that question I would from experience I would suggest ask people in that field who are ahead of you who had kids how was it like because and people who are in similar boat with you and most of the time from experience even in the most challenging residencies where you work like 6 to 8 hours most people will say it's difficult but you can make it work and no matter what you decide to have kids you never know what will happen and when so you can never plan there's never a right time you think I'll wait until I'm done something else will happen either personal challenge work challenge you never know when it's right time and most people under the like really with Jewish vales will say I did it it was difficult but I don't regret it very good but ask people ahead of you very good so ask other people how they did it if you see they did it and they'll give you advice what didn't work for them what they regret what they should have done and what did work for them and if you can make it follow their example make it happen and the second thing she pointed out that you have to trust Hashem because you never know what's going to be and Hashem is going to make it work out like people say I'm afraid if I get pregnant now it's going to it's going to um fall on this day and I might have exam then so may maybe I should push it um you never know and when you rely on Hashem and you know everything works out perfectly not only well but perfectly you'll know that you'll get pregnant at the right time you'll deliver at the right time and you'll pass your exams at the right time everything's going to work out and will be arranged perfectly yes is it a valid excuse to say um like oh we only live in one bedom or two bedroom space so like she said that that each child comes with his own Destiny some children come they need to be raised in a wealthy home and maybe you'll get such a child maybe his Destiny is such that Hashem will change you you say like I want to buy a house before I have another kid so like she said that there will always be something that you want let say before another child want your kid to like have a like a mediocre life so that's a question that we asked earlier is it worth to be born and not live in a house or it's better not to be born if I cannot live in a house no that's saying way will you kill your kid to buy a house or not no I'm saying let say you see your kid like's seeing his friends they have like so at a certain age it makes a difference for example when your children are teenagers it it it it's very important that shouldn't be very different than their friends so yes you don't want your child to be to feel that I'm deprived and I'm unfortunate all my my friends are like that either move to a neighborhood where let's say everyone rents or everyone has only apartments and not houses or get an apartment by the time your child is teenager you have to fit in with your child's friends but but you still have time until their teenagers to get get them to that uh you don't have to get them everything they may want in life before they're born what if you simply don't have a reason but you just feel done having kids like you just don't care no more that's possible it's okay it's okay but again it's never um time to stop living you always say let me explore let me learn more Let Me Be Inspired let me learn about the meaning of life we'll do another lecture um on more philosophical questions why did God create us what does he want is the world to come are we rewarded for every difficulty that we go through and maybe I will be inspired to have another child like people ask me is it okay to let's say I have already many children and I don't want to have I don't want to have anymore is it okay to permanently dis disable myself from having children so I tell people don't do something that is irreversible because you never know people say oh no but I had so many surgeries I had so many C-sections or this and that doctor said so I say but what if they come up with a with a new invention where even though in in your situation you can safely have a child would you have yes but it's impossible you never know but if it happens you'll regret so you may decide that for now I can't imagine having another child but don't close all possibilities because maybe in a year from now 2 years from now 5 years from now there are many cases there's a 10 year difference 15E difference between kids why because children the parents didn't want and then all of a sudden they changed their mind yes I know somebody the first 25 years of marriage they couldn't have any kids naturally and then with help from the doctors in her late 50s they were able to help her to conceive two healthy boys go for a third but the doctor said that they'll take his license yes yeah I also want to know is there a Miss for a woman to have a child or a man to have child a Miss for husb for husband very good very good so both a man and a woman came into the world to have children but Hashem doesn't both a man and a woman came into the world to have children that's not the only purpose there are many but the mitvah the Commandment is only given to the man why because God only commands things that are difficult to give us reward if something that we're going to do naturally God is not going to tell us to do for example we breathe God doesn't say mitvah in the Tora you have to breathe make sure you put alarm you must breathe every few seconds no because we're going to breathe anyway doesn't say you have to sleep because we're going to sleep anyway it doesn't say you have to eat we're going to eat anyway so the same thing for a woman God doesn't say you have to have a child because a woman has this motherly um nature that she wants to have a child a husband or a man doesn't have it because he he's more outside more in the world he's running around and the the Torah has to command him settle get a wife and have a child so it is um the the you can't say obligatory because the Torah didn't obligate obligated but it is expected of both men and women women to have children but the mitvah is only for men because it's harder for a man to have children um and having a children having children is not only to cause a woman to carry a child the Mitzvah is to follow through and to welcome the child and to raise him and and and uh to be a role model so um animals don't have a Mitzvah to have children non-jewish people don't have a Mitzvah to have children the same way as Jewish people but we see they're still having children but not in the same way as we usually over there the the father is not present after the the initial act the father is not there Unfortunately they say that in some demographics 85% of children grow up with a single parent and therefore it's not it's not surprising why the the society looks like that in those neighborhoods so the Mitzvah is not only to have a physical child raised by someone else right you have to raise your own children so um what if you can get help from the parents whatever way you can figure out how to take care of your children either yourself or you hire uh babysitters or you hire um trained Specialists who are going to tutor your children every step of the way that doesn't matter but you have to take care of all the arrangements and uh like we know that for example in olden times people who were wealthy they had a lot of children because they they had multiple wives and each wife was provided with her own house with her own maid and with her own uh servants and therefore they could afford it and you know like kings and and other wealthy people yes on the topic of having children isn't it amazing that right now in Israel with the war and so many soldiers in Battlefield what is all over the news they come they get married they get off the battlefield they're about to have a child like this desire of the Jewish people to live despite like real like danger yes so beautiful rain like yes very good thank you um just one more Point um to this topic um a beautiful story that I heard from Rabbi AEL tabber I heard it from him uh directly so he said that when he was 5 years old his uh family was taken to concentration camp this was 1943 and uh when uh the other ladies saw his mother they said why are you pregnant didn't you know that there was a war in Europe didn't you know that Jewish people are taking to concentration camps why did you get pregnant do you want your your child to die do you want to endanger your own life because you're pregnant now and she said I do what God asked me of to do and God will take care of the rest and they said don't you know that even if you give birth they're going to take your child and they're going to do experiments on him and they're going to kill him and she said once the Nish comes into the body even if the child is killed right away when I go to the next world that child's Nish is going to come to greet me and will be reunited forever and that's what happened she gave birth in the concentration Camp they put her in the in a hospital of the conentration camp it was a girl they took her away and they she never saw her again but because she was in the hospital there was less security she was able to escape and she survived so not only she didn't risk her life but it actually saved her life because she was pregant again when you follow you leave things in God's hands you you you only only good things will happen thank you for joining and coming and changing the the topic that I [Laughter] prepared I'll have a chance to speak about that another time um we should only see happiness from each other give happiness to each other and have good children amen good night than you