Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Family Hierarchy - Who is the Boss?

[Music] good evening welcome to today's class on parenting before we start i want to say thank you to our sponsor by the way all met classes can be sponsored lelou nishmat le fresh le ma for that contact rabbi um from emmett and you can put the name of your loved one or whoever needs refresh lima on the flyer and will announce it by the class so today's class is sponsored today was his uh 16th yard side he passed away young at age 56 and um i was happy to hear about his biography because he actually was very interested in how to raise children properly he spent a lot of time and effort in studying how to do it correctly and here hashem raised four successful children and he worked on himself and by the way this is an important way to uh be a good parent is to work on yourself to develop patience to be non-judgmental because often children do things and siblings and they complain about each other and when we look at their behavior we might jump to the conclusion and you have to be patient and non-judgmental to say maybe there is another side or to the story and uh that's the kind of person benos not was and uh one more thing we'll speak about today was his uh good quality as well he excelled in honoring his parents um we'll see why it's so important in parenting and one more excellent quality that behold venus had was that whenever he saw people fighting he tried to make peace between them not only he didn't do trouble himself but he actually tried to make peace between others this is a an admirable quality something that we should all strive for in order to make this world a better place so may his nishamah have aliyah um now today we are going to speak about a very important topic and in fact this is the foundation of parenting because you may read a lot about parenting you may take training and you you might have an excellent system but if this one ingredient is missing all your systems are not going to produce the desired result and that one most important ingredient is to understand who is the boss in the family what is the proper family hierarchy is which means the parents have to understand and um without beating around the bush i'm gonna tell you right away who is the boston family it's the parents both parents are the authority in the family in our uh society it unfortunately became all too common that children are the leaders in the family parents often ask children for advice what should we eat today where should we go on vacation where what what should be done in this case or in that case what do you want to play and so on and so forth and they go to a store and they say should we buy this or that parents have to remember that they are the ceo they are the manager they are the king in the family they are the prime minister in the family they are the president and the fact in the family they are the father and the mother in the family whatever other titles you can think of of authority you can apply them to mother and father who are children children are citizens of the family children are children children are the um the students they are subservient and all for good reason not for parents glory but for children's own good and we'll see why there has been a lot of research done by psychologists and the like who found out that in the last 15 20 years there has been a lot of depression um the rate of suicide in children went up unfortunately a lot of adhd and other mental health problems and they try to identify the reasons for it and of course besides besides the electronics the media and lack of sleep and lack of exercise that that our modern lifestyle causes they found some um important important reasons why children are suffering so much more than they used to before number the same number one this is because children in our times no longer have clearly defined limits and they they actually found that when children don't have limits they don't feel security when children know that this is permitted and this is forbidden i can only do this and not this this behavior is appropriate this behavior is not appropriate they feel safe because they they feel that my parents are going to protect me they set boundaries what is bad and they will not let me go beyond that so i don't have to worry as opposed to parents who are permissive parents who are wimps their children are scared their children are also wimps you might think the opposite if the child is the boss in the family he is a big shot but in reality that big shot has a very low self-esteem because he is all by himself he knows that his parents are not going to stop him and therefore he doesn't know how far can he go and every step he takes he's worried maybe i'm gonna die maybe i'm gonna fail why because i don't know my parents did not tell me not to go there or not to do this or maybe if they tell me they never enforced it and so i'm unsure about my life so surprisingly the it's the strict parent that produces a high self-esteem child so that is one problem that the researchers found the lack of clearly defined limits and that again produced children who are unsure of themselves and because of that they they have fears and that increases their their depression and they found that now these children have less responsibility and that again they connected to their um lack of maturity and therefore lack of happiness in their own life we know if we look at the at the the world the reason why hashem created the world and people have so many myths what so many um do's and don't do's when we we have so much to do in our life is because that's what makes us feel successful when we have a lot to do and we do it we feel accomplished so a parent who gives a lot of responsibilities to his child and demands that these responsibilities be fulfilled the child grows up feeling that i am capable i can do it whatever it takes i can do but a parent who either is afraid to give responsibilities or gives responsibilities but does not enforce them and allows the child to get away raises a child who all he knows to do is how to trick the parent and how to get away from doing things but deep inside such a child knows that i'm a failure i don't know how to do anything i'm lazy and unsuccessful and they face life with fear until now i was able to trick my parents but will i be able to trick my boss and continue doing nothing and get paid for it will i be able to trick my wife and and continue doing nothing in the family and receive respect from my spouse and again such immaturity such fears cause their them to have to have depression and they don't trust themselves and they they have very low self-esteem and because of that suicide rate goes up because they don't view themselves as important high level people i never do anything i don't accomplish anything i just take and take and take on demand and i boast my parents around so i don't see any value to myself the value comes through accomplishment through responsibilities and and if children like that they will not be happy campers and uh okay now [Music] and one more thing they found why children are less happy today than they used to be a generation or two ago is because uh they developed a sense of right they they think they have rights they think they deserve everything and they think they don't need to earn or be responsible for anything to to obtain what they want and this fits right into the same the same pattern that if a parent is a boss and the child has to follow rules in order to get uh privileges then the the child appreciates the parents the child appreciates whatever is given to him and ultimately the child appreciates life more okay so that's as far as the the research goals and therefore the researchers advise that parents should teach children responsibility and independence independence means that you don't rely on others to do your chores to do what is your responsibility and they call it don't carry your children's knapsack which means if it's your children's job don't do it for them they're responsible for it demand it from them and if they don't do it leave it as their failure let them feel how what it is like to fail and the next time they will improve as opposed to parents who say it's okay i'll do it for you i'll write your essay i'll do your homework i will carry your heavy bag i'll carry the shopping into the house you don't do anything such parents raise children who don't uh appreciate parents they don't appreciate what's given to them and uh they don't appreciate life ultimately okay now this is similar to what the talmud says you can give a poor person a a fish but it's better to to teach him how to use a fishing rod or a net teach him how to fish don't just give him fish or um in other words don't give him charity but rather give him a job here also instead of giving your children charity in the form of doing things for them not demanding from them give them a good feeling that they accomplish something and they deserve it so again okay now let's go to the beginning to our torah the torah says now i'm trying to show that our thesis our rules that parents are the boss in the family has foundation in the torah and that is from the fact the torah gives responsibilities to children the torah obligates children to honor and to fear their parents why do you think that is so it would be wrong for parents to think that the reason why pare the children need to honor and fear them is because parents deserve respect because parents did so much for children and children become their slaves and in fact that is wrong the reason why children must respect must honor and fear parents why do children need to show fear and respect towards parents is only for the children's benefit not because parents after they raise the children now want to have easy life being served by their children no in fact a parent should not demand from their children servitude parents should try not to ask from their children what the parent can do themselves the parent when asking a child for help should keep in mind i'm asking my child to help me for the child's sake and there's a tremendous difference between this if the parent needs something and that is why he asks the child if the child refuses the natural reaction of the parent will be anger i need something and i asked for help and you didn't help me what a good spa how can you let your parent down you left your parents stranded the parent needs help and you didn't help we see how if we ask our child for help when we need the help will leave us disappointed and angry so ask your children for help because you want them to learn how to be how to respect the parents to fulfill them for their own sake why as we said when children recognize who is the authority in the house they will be more happy children they will be more successful adults they will have higher self-esteem and ultimately they will be better servants of hashem because they will learn um how to listen to authority first they'll learn how to listen to parents and then they'll learn how to listen to hashem so if i'm asking my child to listen to me in order to fulfill a mitzvah and in case he doesn't i'm not gonna mind because i didn't need him to do it anyway i can do it myself then i'm not gonna get angry and that will be a very powerful educational message to our child my parents ask me not because they're weak but because they are the boss if the boss asks for something and he doesn't get it he doesn't cry he doesn't throw a tantrum he says your job is to do this and if the employer or a servant or a student or a child doesn't do the boss says fine it's your loss he turns to someone else asks someone else for help or does it himself and then the employer the student the child or the servant gets a consequence the boss doesn't become angry overwhelmed because he wasn't dependent on the worker or a student a child or the servant being dependent makes you weak as authority in the family you cannot be weak a parent must always show the child that he is in control and that he knows what's going on he's in as much in control of the situation as he is in control of his emotions if i don't get what i want i'm not gonna get angry i'll just change my plan i'll either do it myself or ask someone else to do it it's not a problem so we have to learn how to be a successful boss and that's a very important skill to have in life so the torah tells us respect your parents because not because they need you not because they deserve but because you as a child need to learn to listen to authority so you have a torah on your side as a parent if you might say who am i to demand obedience who am i to make demands on my child the torah gives you the right to demand from your child the torah says the child must obey whether the child obeys or not that's the child's um business and uh and the both hashem and the parent have to provide consequence so hashem already provided consequences in the torah leave it up to hashem but as a parent you have to provide consequences as well a parent cannot be a wimp and in fact it says if you cannot make sure to follow through with your demand with your consequences then don't make a demand it's going to be much worse for the child that the parent asks for something and then submits to the child okay fine don't do it that's not good education if a parent decides to demand something the parent must stick with it which means think before you ask and that's why i mentioned that it's important to ask only when you don't need it until you have developed this authority air in the in the family once you have authority and your children listen you can ask them anything you want but before before you you have the the respect of your children don't ask them for things that you cannot afford if they say no because then you will become emotional and you'll start begging them and you'll lose your temper ask them for things that you can live without or you can wait you see your child is uh just doing nothing and as an example you say please give me a cup of water and the child will delay and the child will ignore and you have to know how to follow up and ask again with authoritative tone of voice and what to do if the child doesn't listen but let's say you are really thirsty and you ask and the child ignores you you are gonna suffer and eventually you're gonna get angry and scream at the child and instead of respecting you the child will lose respect and in fact if the child listens to you because of fear that's not called authority that's called bullying you have to figure out a way to ask from a child and expect them to listen to you not because they're afraid of punishment but because they have awe of you because they respect you why do we respect people because we know they are people of their word if they send say something they will insist on it they will follow through they will not change their mind and successful educators utilize this they ask a student for for something and they don't go to anything else until the student follows until the student does what the teacher asks because often parents are busy and they say oh please do this and they go to do something else and they come half hour later and they see the child didn't do it and they get frustrated already half hour past that you still didn't do it instead come back in a minute in two minutes check gently if the child did it and remind them with authoritative tone of voice i asked you something or do this it's okay to repeat yourself as long as you don't lose your cool now there are a few steps how to become an authoritative parent number one is finding out that this is your role and here the torah tells us yes the the child must respect you therefore you have to behave in a way that the child will respect you that means you have to show authority that means you have the right and not only the right you have you have a responsibility to be a parent you have responsibility to be the boss you have the responsibility to make decisions and to relate these decisions to the child and the child has to perform not asking the child to make the decision not giving in to the child since the torah demands of you that you have to create an environment where the child will will respect you that means it's the job of a parent to become an authoritative parent so we already know that a parent must learn how to be a boss in a family and now how do you become so an important part is your tone of voice do you speak in a wimpy kind of voice scared of which of the child or do you speak with authority so that even with before you say anything the child already knows that you are you mean business you're serious so therefore you can practice a practice without the child there in front of the mirror try to make the demand without a smile serious with a with a calm but strong tone of voice and in your mind expect that whatever you're asking is going to be fulfilled when you come to your child make sure before you ask them something imagine in your mind that your child will do it because if you don't believe in it the child will feel it in your posture in your tone of voice in the words that you choose they will see that you don't expect them to do it so say it in a in a firm tone of voice and imagine in your mind that the child will go and do it it will help you to to to use the authoritative voice and remember hashem is on your side god wants you to raise happy children and you can only raise happy children if they respect you we know it from experience that children who don't respect their parents end up unhappy they don't respect anyone in their life and they don't respect themselves they have poor self-image and they end up suffering in their life so you have the right to demand respect and you have a responsibility to demand respect and by the way if you don't have children yet you're expecting children that's the best time to start learning about it because as soon as the child is born you already have to show him that you're the boss and believe me i've witnessed that many times with my own children that already from the moment they're born they already feel who is the boss from the moment they start crying and you don't run to them and and start um pampering them and taking care of them from that moment they know i cry but when my mother my father have time then they will take care of me i'm not the boss in the family my parents have their own needs and responsibilities when they have time they will surely take care of me but already from young age if a child cries and the parent runs to them and shows the child that they are the most precious being um in the family then the children start abusing the parents so be patient in your reaction to your children's demands in fact it's recommended that uh when the child cries you should wait a few seconds and then go to them when the child asks you for something don't say yes right away even if it is a yes think about it consider it for a moment even if you know the answer is yes think about it show them that you are thinking that you are not afraid to think and then say yes and by the way uh taking time to say yes will train you to have strength to say no because the child sees that you you're not scared you're not just saying yes yes yes yes just anything anything you ask i'm gonna say yes the child sees that even for yes you're thinking and then they take you seriously when you say no because they see that you're thinking you are considering it and surely if you want to say no don't be scared to say no a parent should never be afraid of the child so from young age the parent has to train the child that he's not the king the child is not the king and therefore when the child calls you take your time when the child cries you take your time when the child makes demand you don't give in right away this way you you raise a child who is more resilient strong patient such important qualities in life so a parent should not be scared of a child for example don't be afraid that the child will be um scarred emotionally if you say no children are very strong they can hear no a thousand times and they will not be harmed don't feel don't be scared that the child will not have good self-esteem if they hear no the child will have higher self-esteem if they hear more no than yes don't be scared that if a child cries they might choke shalom never happened don't be scared that if they throw tantrum and they fall on the ground that they're gonna hurt themselves doesn't happen and if it happens they learn their lesson don't be scared that they if they cry they're gonna lose their voice or and something's gonna happen nothing's gonna happen if they lose their voice they're gonna learn not to cry so much next time don't be scared that if you say no to your child they're gonna run away from home doesn't happen it may happen if the child is uh allowed to do everything and then once the parent says no then the child will run away but if a child learns that no is a is a normal part of of life he'll be strong and the child will not run away and don't be scared that if you say no the child is gonna stop keeping its vote alone go of the terror that also doesn't happen usually it's in families where parents allow everything that's where children are spoiled and when where they unfortunately go over the data or in in families where there is physical or emotional abuse as long as you don't abuse your children physically or emotionally you can say no as many times as you want and the child will be healthy and happy and will stay home until their marriage will not even think of going away because a place where they tell you no that's a safe place the child feels comfortable there don't be afraid that your relationship with your child is going to suffer if you say no no such thing the child will respect you for saying no to him and a lot of times i know myself and so many parents reported it that their children are testing them they're testing the boundaries and when they hear the parent says no the child just accepts it and the parent is surprised wow they asked me and i thought they're going to throw a tantrum and when i said no i was afraid and all of a sudden they just said okay fine i was shocked that my child accepted my no but if you if you train from young age that you're that you are the boss and that you are the final say in the family and if you say no it means no it will be very easy for the child to accept no and when the child grows up when he becomes a teenager that's when it is the most important parents words will have uh weight will have meaning for a child and at that that uh most risky part of child's life when the parent says no you cannot go to a party late at night or you cannot have a friend of opposite gender you cannot have this and you cannot have that and you cannot have unlimited access to your phone and a computer and i will put filter on your phone the child will just accept it because they know the parent is the boss the parent means the best the the parent wants the best for the child and they will peacefully submit to the parent so the parents should not be afraid of the child and should not be afraid that anything will happen to the child if you are strict if you are authoritative if you are strong and you know your role and the child respects you nothing ever will happen wrong with the child guaranteed however as i mentioned you have to be careful not to go into abuse area there is a difference between discipline and cruelty you can demand obedience you can be strict but a parent cannot be cruel which means a parent is not allowed to make fun of a child a parent is not allowed to hurt the child with words to demean the child to call him names to curse god forbid and the parent is not allowed to abuse the child physically there are consequences there are um ways to punish the child but preferably not through beating them up that already borders on abuse and is not recommended which means if a child shows hutzpah the parent has to stop it right away if a child behaves towards the parent with uh with disrespect the parent cannot be patient the parent cannot just ignore it the parent has to say this is disrespect you're not allowed to behave like this this is hutzpah you're not allowed to behave like this towards your father or mother it's good it's good to mention the other parent this way you show the child that it's not because uh you're hurt it's not because uh you're selfish or arrogant you include your your spouse into it and you say you're not allowed to be disrespectful towards your father or mother or if a child hits a parent right away that must be stopped and you have to say you're not allowed to hit your father or mother very important if a child shows disrespect to a parent either with words or healing the parent must point it out this is disrespectful this is husband you're not allowed to hit a parent this is um very important because if you allow wrong behavior to continue the child will develop a habit and you will develop a habit of ignoring it and later when it becomes intolerable and you'll start fighting it the child will be resistant because what you mean for so many years you didn't say anything and now all of a sudden you rise up what happened to you so from young age if a child is disrespectful the parent must point it out and stop such behavior but at the same time if you demand something difficult of a child and the child just grumbles and and says things oh you're like this and you're like that that's okay if they they complain because of a hard job that you gave them you can ignore their complaints and you can ignore a little bit their disrespect but if they come with a demand from you can you drive me and you say no and then they demanded the disrespectful what kind of parent you are yeah you have to drive me then you stop them and you say this is disrespectful i don't owe you anything i'm your parent you have to behave with respect you don't scream you don't yell you don't get upset you remember that you're the boss uh you keep in mind that that uh sometimes it is difficult for them and they might uh not be able to handle themselves so you show them that you're not upset of them they really love you but you're pointing out to them that their behavior is inappropriate so you tell them i'm your parent this is disrespectful remember cannot talk like this to your parent at the end of the day don't feel pressure if they ask you something a hundred million times it's not a problem just like i said no the first time i'll say no again even though even though i am bothered by their constant demands but i'll still stay calm doesn't affect me doesn't change me i'm still the boss they're trying their luck they're trying to see maybe they'll break me but i know they're not gonna break me i'm stronger than them they are because i'm their parent and they tell me please please can i have this for my birthday please can we go here please can we go on vacation here and i say no maybe if it's a possibility i'll think about it but at the end i'll make the decision and if the decision is no i'm not going to be afraid to express it so we have to um believe in ourselves and we have to know that this is what god expects from us and whatever god expects from us he is on our side to help us if god demands from us to be parents to be the boss he's going to give us the the the tools and he's going to make us successful as long as i am convinced that i'm going to win i'm going to be successful i'm going to say no to my parents my child god will help me that the the child will understand and the child will accept if you think about it in the olden times people didn't go so much to psychologists people didn't learn so much about parenting and it's true they didn't have so many tools they didn't know all these psychological terms and methods but somehow children came out a good as good people and the reason is because they knew the the main thing they knew that they are parents and children are children and that's the main thing in parenting you might not know how to say things correctly you should learn you might not know how to express yourself or how to solve the child's issues in school or between him and his siblings but as long as you know that you are in control overall your child is going to be successful and happy so you you have to be consistent which means the parent cannot say oh one time because i'm tired i'm gonna say yes and when i feel i have strength i'm gonna say no because the child will say what's the matter why sometimes you say yes and sometimes no it's confusing if it's the right thing to do so say yes all the time just because you're tired you don't want me to do it or if it's the wrong thing say no all the time just because you're tired you're telling me yes just to so that i i get off your back so it's important to have consistency now when you when you start with a child who is already not an infant and who already behaves like a boss you have to do it step by step you have to say you know what i cannot change many things at the same time maybe they don't listen to me and they don't go to sleep on time and they don't eat anything i cook and they hit their sibling and they disrespect me and this and that i can't change everything at once but let me let me work on one thing and that is changing their attitude towards who is the boss first of all i have to change my mind i'm no longer afraid of my child i change my my attitude my behavior towards the child my tone of voice my posture when i come to my child i'm the boss and i work at least at least before making any demands at least on respect that the child should make requests in a respectful way that the child should be patient and that that when they are near me they stand the proper way they sit the proper way they don't pick up their feet um on the table on another chair in front of me if you if you are not yet uh strong enough to make demands and expect their fulfillment at least demand respect in the behavior and then go go in um and choose one one area what you are going to demand and whatever you choose stick to it be consistent i say no and it means no from now on this is the new rule in the house we don't do this anymore i don't allow this anymore and it may take a few weeks uh many days of tantrums and fights until the child finally gets up into their mind that my parent something happened to them they became crazy all of a sudden they say no to me all of a sudden they uh they demand something that they didn't demand until now and they'll accept it and then you go on to the next one and the next one and the next one don't take don't don't take on everything at once and um as a boss you have to know that when the child asks why why do i have to listen why do i have to do it you as the boss don't have to answer questions why if the child asks how please help me should i do this first or this first should i use this tool or this tool i'm happily going to explain to you but if the child asks why you can say because i said so or you can say after you finish i'll explain to you do it first and then come to me and i will have time to explain it to you until you do it i cannot answer why because the question why is a challenge i don't want to do what you say i don't have to do it and you have to prove to me that i have to until you prove it to me i'm not going to do it so right away we have to uh put an end to it and the child says why either ignore or say because i said so or say when you do it then come to me i'll be happy to explain to you why now an interesting study they made about teachers they said which teachers are the most successful those that are kind and caring and smiling or those that are strict and demanding and surprisingly they found that teachers who are strict and demanding get better behavior from children and get better performance from children get better grades and at the end children report that they enjoyed the class more because all the children were sitting in their places all the children were respectful and they were able to learn more in the class of course a children a a a teacher who is strict should not be cruel a teacher who is strict should be kind but kindness and and being strict should not contradict one another you can be demanding but say it in a soft way yes i understand that your dog ate your homework yes i feel bad for you but i still have to give you a failing mark for not bringing your homework please accept my my feelings i really feel for you yes but you still get an f i still want to speak to your parents before you come to class so a teacher who is strict is not a contradiction to a teacher who is uh nice but uh a parent who feels oh i have to be nice i have to be my my my child's friend i have to be concerned that my child shouldn't develop a psychological issue because i'm too strict for them such a parent will only be hurting their child so a parent has to be strict firm and nice being nice is always good it's always good to say please it's always good to say thank you but you have to be firm if you ask the child for something you have to expect its performance and you have to um follow up and you have to give consequence if the child didn't do it now when a child throws a tantrum is usually a sign that the child is surprised why the parents said no that means in a family where parents are strong and they put clear demands and they their no is no their yes is yes children will not throw attention whether they're terrible tools or terrible threes they're not gonna throw attention because they see from their siblings and from their own experience when they say when they ask for something and parents say no it's gonna be no till the end and these will say why do i have to throw myself to the ground why do i have to cry it's a waste of time i'm not gonna do that if i ask for something and the parents said no okay i'll learn to accept no so if if your child throws tantrum it's a time to start using the word no more often and being um consistent with it if i say no it's no all the way so if a child throws tantrum it's a sign that you still have to work on your parenting skills if a child throws a tantrum remember it's not dangerous to the child's health let him throw tantrum as much as he wants a tantrum should never be a reason why you change your mind in fact the opposite you can tell the child as soon as you throw tantrum case closed then i know for sure that you don't need it and i know for sure that what i said is the right thing if you want to speak about it we can discuss it if you have reasons that i didn't hear yet why i should allow you please tell me but just crying and screaming is not going to help so the the the the parent has to remember that he has god-given role of being the boss in the family a parent should not be afraid of the child or of any consequences of being strict there are no consequences of being strict except for good children and uh one more thing both parents the father and the mother have to be on the same page they have to be equally tough because if the child sees that one of the parents is softer than the other then the child will put a wedge between the two parents the child will ask that one parent and if he gets no he's gonna go to the soft parent and try to get a yes out of them and if he gets a yes then the parents will start fighting and the child will have one parent on his side and is the parent who is more soft should learn to allow the more tough parent to speak to the child if it's hard for you to say no to your child then say speak to your father or speak to your mother if it's hard for you to say no let someone who is easy for to say no say no don't even enter into this discussion don't say oh maybe but ask your mother no say for such questions ask your mother or for sure you shouldn't do the following you shouldn't say to a child you know really i don't mind really i would let you but your mother is not gonna let that's the worst uh the the parents have to be on the same page and uh if you know that one of the if your spouse will not agree then you are not allowed to say yes this is um as damaging as permissive parents when parents are not on the same page when the child sees that that is there there is the the there is inconsistency between the parents there is there is there is disagreement the parents are fighting and they cannot come up with the decision then the child stops trusting the parents besides uh the child becomes the one that that uh causes parents to fight besides that problem but the child also loses his trust if the mother says like this and the father says like this that means they don't know what they're talking about they are parents they're supposed to know what's good and if they show that the adults don't know that i don't trust either of them which means the parent who says yes he he sometimes thinks oh i'm going to be the good one no the parent the child will disrespect mostly the parent who said yes because they see their wimp they're they're scared and and the child will learn that he can manipulate so parents if they cannot come up with a compromise and say this we allow this we don't then the parent who is less demanding has to give in the parent who is softer has to give in for the sake of the child it's better for the child to hear no and again each each set of parents has to analyze their their their rules and make sure they're not cruel make sure they're they're not um for their own comfort rather for the child's sake very often parents demand of children things that are not necessary or are not for the child's sake but rather for parents comfort so we have to avoid that i'm not going to go into it now but but that may be a topic for another class but it's very important that there should be agreement between the parents and if you think that your spouse is not raising children properly it's better to agree and to raise children not properly together than to try to push your agenda and say i know how to do it better and disagree with your spouse on on child raising because then you you you're gonna uh cause the child to mistrust both parents so it's better to use a system that is not as good but together with your spouse than to use a system that's you feel is better but your spouse is using a different system so again there must be consistency between parents if you want to be softer and your spouse wants to be stricter it's okay to give in and to be stricter if it's hard for you to say no allow your spouse to be the talker if you find it hard to say no tell your child all questions like this go to to your mother or go to your father don't show that you you disagree and if the the child comes to you says oh mommy said no to me she's so mean you should say no she is right i agree with her even if you think she is wrong and even if you don't agree once you find out your spouse's decision you have to stand by them and the this is same in the in the government for example you have a president and the vice president they have to agree even if the vice president doesn't agree with the president he has to agree because if there are two kings in the country the country is gonna go down the the the citizens will not respect not the president not the vice president not the minister not the prime minister they're not going to respect the government at all if there is disagreement so too in the family if there is the father and the mother they must agree they must form one unit of authority so that children understand and it's clear for them we are just children parents are making decisions in this family my father is the boss my mother is the boss and they're both together it's not my mother against my father i cannot manipulate my mother against my father or my father against my mother they're together whatever my mother says my father is going to support her whatever my father says my mother is going to support her this way you'll guarantee that you have shallow abide and you'll guarantee that your children respect you so we have to go back to the culture that we lost the culture where parents where elders were the authority and we we have to regain our role as parents our role as decision makers our role as the final word in the family we should not be afraid of making decisions and remember even if your decision is wrong it's still better than allowing your child to make the decision because the feeling of authority that you're gonna teach your child is going to serve them well they will be happier they will have higher self-esteem they will grow to become more mature more responsible adults they will make a better husband a better wife when they had parents who were demanding who were behaving like a boss who were behaving like a parent not like a friend and um once we learn how to be the boss you will see that everything else comes easy all other methods all other teaching techniques parenting techniques are going to be much easier and your children are going to be happier and less whiny less tantrumi and all the other bad things the children do your children are not going to do because they will feel more confident more comfortable with you they will be more secure they'll have less nightmares they they they will be more accomplished in school and and they will have better friends all because they have strict parents so may hashem help all of us to develop within us this attitude of being parents of being the boss for our children may hashem help us to make proper decisions guide us and um feel that that we know what we're doing that we are successful parents if you feel you're a successful parent you will become a successful parent confident knowing that even if i make a wrong decision it's still a good decision because the parent made that decision of course if you find that you made a mistake admit it but just like a boss who has the right to admit the mistake he's not losing his status as the boss yes i made a mistake i made a miscalculation that's fine but i'm still a parent i'm still the boss i'm still in charge i still know better what to do everyone makes mistakes a boss is not a god a boss is just the one that knows better the one that who is in control and even if a worker is better expert he still has to listen to the boss and with our we will instill confidence into our children hashem may we be successful in our parenting and may we see happiness nahad from our children amen you