Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Honoring Parents

[Music] [Applause] [Music] okay we're starting the class today welcome everyone today we are speaking about honoring your parents and today's class is dedicated raphael hi ben ester tonight is his your side he is mercy since moy kiss live today we're speaking about honoring parents and we're gonna give a summary i'm not going to cover everything just brief brief points okay today we are learning about honoring parents so the torah says honor your father and your mother so that your days will be lengthened so we know that the honoring your mother and father has a great reward the reward is that your life is going to be long and the sages say what does mean your life is going to be long not only in this world but also in the next world which means when we speak about long life we don't mean that you're just gonna live another year longer at the end everyone is gonna die when we say long life we mean it's so long that it never ends that means we're referring to life in olamapa in the next world that's really long anything that eventually ends cannot be long a 95 year old person looks back at his life and he says oh life went by so fast i didn't even have a chance to notice it i hope i wish i could have had more i don't want to die so when you look back any amount of life is short so when we say long life we mean spiritual world so how do you earn ghanaian one way the torah says honor your parents so that's what we're here for how do we get that great reward eternal reward so but notice the torah says honor your father and your mother in in another place in torah in 10 commandments it says a man his mother and his father shall they fear from here we learn that there are two commandments one is to honor your father and mother and another one is to fear your mother and father [Music] now the question is before we speak about how to honor and how to fear the question is why does the torah say honor your father and then mother and it says fear be afraid of your mother and then father why by honor it says father first and by fear it says mother first and that is because the torah always tells us what is harder for us who do we honor more who do we love more and we want to take care of more it's usually the mother because she takes care of us she loves us and so it's easy for us to honor our mother we love her with father sometimes he yells at us sometimes he hits us so he's tough so there is not so much love and so it's harder for us to honor him and that's why the torah says honor and we'll see what honor means honor your father first because that's harder for you mother you'll honor anyway because you appreciate everything she did for you but when the torah is speaking about fear who is it easier to fear your father he is the more strict one usually so the torah tells us honor fear be afraid of your mother first because the father you're going to be afraid of anyway but you have to also be afraid of your mother that's going to be hard and that's what you have to work on but really honoring and fearing your father and mother is equal you have to fear and honor your father and you have to fear and honor your mother equally now the torah also says very scary thing one who hits his father or his mother shall be put to death which means there is a death penalty for somebody who hits his parent and say the sages say that that's only if you cause injury or a black and blue mark signiak or you cause blood to come out from them you cut them poke them or hit the so hard that there is black and blue mark that means the blood breaks goes out from capitalist the capitalists are broken and assembles under the skin so in all these cases the person who does it with witnesses he deserves death penalties that's how serious it is to hurt a father but the torah goes even further even more scary it says one who curses his father or mother god forbid shall be put to death not only for hitting a parent there is death penalty for cursing a parent there is a death penalty imagine that how careful we have to be with our parents and another pasuk in another verse in devarim in deuteronomy says hi rabbi this is evelina you have a question should we like let's say should we i'm sorry and then respecting your parents like what goes first okay that's a good question i'm gonna address that thank you thank you okay so um the the verse in torah says in in deuteronomy honor your father and mother so that your days will be lengthened and so that it should be good for you which means not only you will have long life and as we explained in the next world because you're honoring your parents but also it's going to be good for you in this world on the ground that hashem your god gives you which means when you honor your parents is going to be good for you in this life and in the next life so a question is asked what comes first keeping torah or honoring parents that's a very good question because sometimes they conflict for example a parent might say can you please turn the light for me on shabbat and the child will say but father but mother i learned that we're not allowed to turn fire to turn light on shabbat and they say yes but the torah also says you have to honor your father and your mother so the child has a question what should i do that's a very good question and another verse in the torah it says this is in vaikaya in kedoshim a man his mother and his father shall they fear and my shabbat they shall keep i am hashem your god what does it mean from here we learn that that god says yes you have to fear the child's god and the parents god which means just like the child is obligated to listen to god's command so to a parent is obligated to listen to god's command and therefore the parent cannot ask the child to go against god because the parent himself has to listen to god and that means the child is supposed to listen to his parents no matter what but if there is a conflict between what the parent says and god says god takes precedence why because the parent also should drop everything and go serve god go listen and fulfill the commands of hashem but here there are some um exceptions for example if what the child wants to do is a stringency which means it's beyond the letter of the law and the parent is asking him not to follow the stringency but just to follow their letter of the law then the child has to follow the letter of the law and not do the stringency which means that a child is uh it's important for the child to learn what is really halacha which you cannot break and what is extra what is um a more strict opinion what is a custom what is just a nice thing to do when possible but when you cannot do it you don't have to do it because if you don't know this the the level of mitzvot of commandments it's going to be hard for you to choose when you have um when you have a conflict for example if there is a mitra to do which is from the torah and the mitsuba which is from rabbis you have to first do the mitzvot from the torah and then the midst from the rabbis or if you have a miso from the rabbis and then you have a custom you have to first do the mitsub from the rabbis and for sure the mitzvot from the torah and only then the custom for example the custom to celebrate yoshivo that's a good custom supposed to be continued but the law that you're not allowed to drive on shabbat is from the torah so a person might say you know what i have a very important custom to fulfill i have to go to the synagogue and seek a dish for my father or i have to serve sudasha to remember my father but it's far away from me so i'm going to try because this custom of yeshua is very important so here he's making one little mistake it's true that the custom to remember your parents is very important and you have to say qaddish and you have to serve food so that people can make blessings but driving on shabbat is forbidden according to torah and therefore i have a conflict i want to fulfill the custom by transgressing the total law that i cannot do toro law comes first so what do i have to do if i cannot walk so far then i just sit at home and i just learn torah i say good words about my father i speak well i don't say lashon hara i don't get angry i eat kosher and i do other things and through that my father gets aliyah he gets his neshama his soul rises in heaven but if i transgress the torah commandment in order to fulfill a custom i lose more than then the child should follow the parents advice now let me give you a an example a very common example the parent tells the child it's cold outside put on your hat and the child says oh it's it's warm outside i'm not gonna get cold i'm not gonna get sick should the child listen to the parent or not so here it depends here it depends on whether it is really cold or not if it's cold and there is a possibility that the child might get sick the child is obligated to wear a hat both because the parents asked and because you have to take care of your health we're not allowed to do anything that will damage our health which includes we're not allowed to smoke we're not allowed to take drugs we're not allowed to even go to sleep late to eat unhealthy junk food all these things were not allowed so therefore if a parent says don't do something that is not healthy we have to listen because even if the parent doesn't ask we still have to do it because we cannot do something that is unhealthy but what if really it's not cold outside let's say the parent didn't go outside they don't know they say oh it's cold outside and the child knows she just came from outside it's very hot but what do you do your parent is telling you to put on your hat so in this case the child is supposed to listen to the parent as long as their parent sees the child this is a tricky a tricky listen carefully if the parent asks something over the child which really is not good for the child he's gonna sweat and gonna be very uncomfortable then the child should put on the head go outside and when they're not in the view of parents then they're allowed to do what's good for them then they're allowed to take off the head but again here every person has to be honest with themselves are the parents correct in what they're asking and if yes then the per the child should listen or are the parents saying something that's going to damage me then you don't have to listen but you should not argue with the parents you have to say yes i have a question let's say your parents are respectfully very good so order that's a good question in order to answer this question we have to uh learn a little bit about the laws of honoring parents and fearing the parents what does it mean honoring parents so honoring parents means you have to serve them take care of them give them food and drink dress them escort them help them to go on their way honoring parents means that when your parent comes into the room you have to rise up if you're sitting these are things that are called honoring showing respect what does it mean to fear to fear your parent means you're not allowed to sit in their place to fear a parent means if they have as a chair that they always sit on let's say on the side of the table then the child is not allowed to sit on that chair without their permission to fear a parent means that if there is a sit on in an armchair or in a couch that they always sit on it's their spot then the child is not allowed to to sit there without permission fear parents means that a child is not allowed to walk into their bedroom unannounced without permission fear means that the child is not allowed to lie on the bed of the parents fear means that we're not allowed to call our parents by their first name even if they give permission even if the your father says it's okay you can call me by my first name not allowed to call him by your by their first name because you have to fear them fear means and that now we're coming closer to your question fear means that you cannot contradict them if they say something you cannot tell them you're wrong not only that you cannot even confirm their words if your father says oh right now it's 60 degrees fahrenheit outside you cannot come along and say yeah you're right it is 60 degrees who are you to to tell your father that he is right he doesn't need you to tell him that he is right so a parent not only a child not only is not allowed to contradict a parent he's not even allowed to tell the parent that you're right now what happens if your parent makes a mistake what happens if your parent says something that is wrong or is an aveda is a sin like like what do you do or if your parent wants to break shabbat what do you do on one hand you will have a mitzvah to stop another jew from sinning on the other hand you have a mitzvah to honor and fear your parents what should you do so the answer is you have to figure out a way to speak to them respectfully which means you cannot tell your parents hey what are you doing not allowed cannot say that or you cannot tell your parents stop is shabbat you are you you're transgressing you cannot say that so how are you supposed to speak to your parents what you're supposed to say is to say mom dad i learned that in the torah it says that we're not allowed to do such and such which means you are hinting to them you are respectfully informing them in case they forgot or in case they didn't know you respectfully informing them of what the law is yes you have to inform them but respectfully because we have a rule one jew should not do a sin in order to save another jew from another sin so if your parents are desecrating shabbat shalom you cannot transgress your do a sin on your own in order to protect them because the same hashem that told them not to break shabbat told you to respect the parents so you cannot go against god in order to save someone from going against god so you have to make sure that as a child even if your parent is wrong you have to be patient you have to be respectful and never say directly to the parent you're wrong what you're doing is wrong you're sinning all these expressions are forbidden you have to only hint i heard you can ask it as a question doesn't it say in the torah that we're not allowed to light fire to cook to say and the parents will say you're right i forgot about it so this is an example that even if they are sinning you're not allowed to disrespect them and certainly if they're not sinning how much more so we have to give them respect not only that even if a parent embarrasses you in public we have to have strength of character to remain calm and respectful just because someone embarrasses you they do a sin yes but doesn't mean that now you should do a sin and start saying and start disrespecting them they did the sin that's enough god shalom will take care of their account don't transgress yourself be strong whether it's your parent or someone else that embarrasses you stay quiet not only that even if the parent damages your property you have to stay quiet you can take them to court afterwards and the bait deen the jewish court will require them to pay for damages but while they're doing damage they're breaking your utensils they're ripping your clothing you have to stay calm and quiet because you cannot transgress in order to save your money you have to be willing to give give up all the money in order not to sin in order not to transgress what happens if a parent is mentally sick hard to deal with then the child is allowed to hire someone else to take care of them because it's so dangerous to disrespect a parent that it's better that someone else should take care of the parent a professional then the child should should take care of the parent and get angry and lose their cool not have enough patience and shalom god forbid to say something disrespectful or to hurt a parent so if necessary it's better to hire someone to pay money so that you don't sin okay now just like we have to honor our parents we have to honor our step parents which means if our father or mother remarried we have to honor their wife or their husband because by honoring their spouse we are honoring them also to a lesser degree we have to honor our grandparents and to a lesser degree than parents we have to honor our older siblings and we have to honor anyone who is older than we are but of course parents get the highest respect than the grandparents the step parents older siblings and other elderly people why do we have this mitzvah why do we have to honor parents and there are a few reasons one of the reasons that we have to honor parents is because without them we we would not be alive they gave us the greatest gift of all life even if they didn't care take care of us even if they gave us up for adoption even if they were not so nice to us we still have to be thankful to them and respect them because they gave us life we wouldn't be alive we wouldn't enjoy the food the sky the marriage our own children if not for our parents just the fact that they gave us life they deserve all the respect in the world and that's the halacha if a parent dropped the child by um internet foster care adoption and from the moment they were born they didn't know them and then 20 30 years later they came and now they want respect you as a child have to show them the same respect and show that you fear them as a good parent because their behavior doesn't affect your obligation you are obligated to honor them that's a misfire in the torah doesn't say honor your father and mother if they're good to you it just says honor your father and your mother that's it doesn't matter if they're good or they're bad you still have to honor them what happens if a parent passes away the mitzvah to honor them does not stop why because we can honor our parents even after their lifetime an example is making a yoshivo getting people to get people together and showing that we still remember our parent or our grandparent we still respect them enough to speak nicely about them to try to raise their soul to make blessings in their marriage to listen to divre torah to try to work on our character to become better people in their honor in their marriage another part of respecting uh parents even after they pass away is always speaking good about them whenever you remember them among family friends always having good words to say if there was anything negative you just be quiet right now there is no purpose in it anymore you're not going to change the person because the person died already so from now on you cannot say anything negative about the deceased you only say good and by speaking good about them and how do you speak good you look through your life and you say what can i find good about this person maybe one time they gave me a ride maybe one time they bought me a toy they cooked for me they washed my clothing they took me to school maybe once in a while they gave me advice they gave me money there's always good things the parent did even the worst parent you will find thousands of things that that parent did for you and both in their lifetime and after their death we have to show them respect by concentrating on the good forget about all the negative only think about good even by thinking positive thoughts about your parents you receive the mitzvah of honoring them by saying i'm happy that i had parents like that they raised me well or they gave me good genes or the fact that they gave me life i appreciate my parents thinking well about them speaking well about them are all mitzvah of honoring your parents and certainly doing for them now i know uh people are asking questions in the chat i'm gonna get to them um i know people are impatient and um and i don't wanna lose them so let me address that now when the person is married who is he obligated to listen to first a wife or a parent and what happens when a person is married who does he obligated to listen first their wife or their parent anyone else wants to ask the same question so since so many people want to ask the same question i'm going to speak about it now here there is an important idea to remember both for the husband and the wife after they get married number one person in their life becomes their spouse we learn this from the torah that says a person has to abandon his parents and connect to his spouse from here we learn that a man and a woman once they get married their first priority is their spouse and then their parent now we're not speaking about disrespecting disrespecting you're not allowed anyone but we're talking about who should you listen to first and if your wife asks for something and your father asks for something you have to give it to your wife first and then run to give it to your father if the the husband asks something and the father or the mother of the wife the wife also has to listen to the father to the husband first and then to the parent but that's only if it's not possible to do both if it is possible to do both you have to do both you should not use the excuse now a good example is your parents are visiting you on shabbat and you are cutting bread you said you cut the piece you ate now who do you give the second piece to you have your father your mother your father-in-law your mother-in-law and your wife who do you give the second peace to you give the second peace to your wife but that's only if you have one hand but you have two hands so who do you give first you cut two slices and you take two pieces of bread and you give one to your wife and one to your father then you cut and you take two more pieces and you give to your mother and your father-in-law and you cut you give to your mother-in-law and then you cut more and then you give to all the children so this is an example where i can do two-minute water at the same time i'm respecting my wife which is shalom by it and i'm honoring my father why father first because we have a rule if a father and a mother ask the child something at the same time then the child listens to the father first why because the wife also has obligation to serve the husband and therefore by serving the father first the child is doing the mother's job but that's only if they are married if hassan they are divorced then they are independent and therefore let's say your father and your mother are sitting at the same table and they are not married then you can choose whichever one you want to give it's up to you there is no mitzvah the father or the mother only when they are married the the father comes first when they're not married mother and father are equal okay so again the spouse comes first but a good advice is for the let's say we're talking about the husband if the wife asked him and his parents ask him as far as the husband is concerned he has to take care of the wife first and then his parents but as far as the the wife is concerned she should be smart and she should allow the husband to serve his parents first because if she does then the husband will love her that she's not putting him in the difficult position and her parents-in-law are going to love her a person a person is allowed to forego his respect a person is allowed to forgive his respect a person is allowed to say you know what even though you are obligated to respect me but i'm willing to give it up for the sake of someone else so for example though the wife might say oh it's okay give to your parents first or go help your parents first i'm gonna i'm gonna wait if the wife does it she's smart and her husband is lucky that he has such a wife and she will have a better life because again her husband and her parents in law are gonna love her but if she really does need it she really needs help with children or with the household or she's not feeling well then for sure she comes first okay thank you for your question this was a very important question and again remember that shallow abide peace is number one and everybody has to be smart the parents should not force their children too much oh you have to do it for me all you have to do for me because what if it's hard for the child and the same thing the spouse should not be so harsh because if a person is stuck this one is demanding and this one is demanding and it's very hard no matter where he goes as they say in russian shock probably yes trail so don't put another human being in such a position if you see that he's being pressured whether he's being pressured from his parents what he's being pressured from his spouse when he's being pressured by his boss at work or by his clients or his children whatever it is make it easier for him help him so a person has to be smart okay so um now let me continue just a little bit another exception if a child for example a boy wants to learn torah and parents say no we we want you to go to work so this is another example where a child is allowed to say my dear parents i love you very much i respect you i appreciate everything you did for me but this is very important for me i feel that i need to do this them to marry for money they say oh he's a dentist he's going to be a better husband and the girl says no but i want somebody who has good character traits somebody who knows torah who's going to be observant who's going to be a good husband a good and a good father then the girl is allowed to not listen to our parents but you have to be again honest with yourself do i want to marry that person because i asked advice and i thought about it and really he is good for me my parents just don't recognize it or i just am infatuated i'm in love i think it's going to be good but i don't really know what do i know about life and i just want to go against my parents so in such a case a child has to listen to their parents because choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions in your life and many people suffer afterwards and there is no good way back once you make that choice it's not good to go back um unless it's emergency so before you make such a decision ask advice ask your rabbis your mentors your parents speak it over if your parents for some reason don't understand you ask your rabbi to speak to your parents don't fight don't argue because it's a very important decision in your life you understand that the decision is up to you only the person himself can make the decision who to marry but at the same time it's smart to listen to advice so that's another example where a child is allowed not to listen to parents if he knows that what he wants is better for him now if you if a child hears that somebody is saying about your parents or somebody is embarrassing your parents even though the parent is not there a child is obligated to stand up for their parents respect unless you know your parent that they don't want fight yet let's say you know your parent and they are very humble peaceful and they would not get them embarrassed they would not get uh upset they're very loving and kind and they don't wish bad to anyone and it would even hurt them that you went to fight on their behalf in such a case you respect your parents by not fighting you can say you know you're saying something that is not nice towards my parents but i know that my parents would not like me to fight and therefore i'm staying quiet okay now uh we said that a parent a child is supposed to get up when a parent comes in and it's good for the parent to allow their child to rise up ideally the parents should not say oh it's okay it's okay you don't have to rise before me because you are taking away mitzvah from the child if a child rises before you they get long life they get parnassa how can you take it away from their your parents your child but if for some reason the parent knows that it's hard for the child or let's say the child is learning torah or praying so then the parent can say it's okay you don't have to uh get up when you're standing tall you don't have to get up when you're praying you don't have to get up when you're eating but otherwise it's good for the child to get up in front of the parent okay now now i will take questions if there are any questions you can either type them in the chat or unmute you yourself and ask anyone has questions everything is clear everything is good rav binyamin okay we all enjoyed okay i'm happy so hashem um everything we learned and we take him into uh real life should be should be for raphael and may we all always hear good news from each other and make everyone healthy and to everyone [Music] you