Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Honoring Parents Part 4

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] again welcome back we included that there are three ways to honor your parents one with action and that is by taking care of their needs serving them one by sort and one by speech so we spoke about action we spoke about speech speech is when you speak politely with them if they say something you don't say no and you don't even approve they don't need your approval and sort we mentioned a little bit and today I would like to speak more about it how do you honor your parents in thought so as an introduction we have ten commandments and we know one of these the fifth commandment is on indepence and our sages say that the Ten Commandments were written on two tablets the first one has the commandment between us and God and the second one has Commandments between us and fellow men for example the first tablet has to know that there is one God the second one is not to serve idols the third one is not to take God's name in vain and the fourth one is to keep Shabbat and the fifth one is to honor parents now surprisingly honoring parents is placed on the first tablet even though it seems to us that honoring parents is between us and fellow men and we spoke about it in the past that is to show you that honoring parents is not only because your parents did something nice to you so you want to give it back to them but rather it is a command just like any other command between us and Hashem and also this is something very important that it teaches us how to develop a relationship between us and God when we learn to honor and fear our parents we it will be easier for us to honor and fear God himself and that is why I put in the first tablet now today I would like to speak about the second point that is that not only we have two tablets and the first one is between us and second one is between us and fellow man but also there's a connection and I mean say that the first commandment on the first tablet corresponds to the first commandment on the second tablets which is to know that there is God and the commandment not to kill not to murder what's the connection and that is we know that the human being is created in the image of God so the first commandment is know that there is God and the second one now that you know that there is God and he created human beings in His image and when you see a human being if you should be reminded of the spark of godliness that is in every human being so don't kill that part don't murder and the second commandment which is don't serve other idols besides me corresponds to the sixth commandment the second one on the second tablet and that is don't commit adultery what's the connection between serving idols and committing adultery and that is that we have one God we're committed to him the relationship between us and Hashem is like that of a wife and a husband just like a wife is not allowed to have two husbands so to Jewish people we're not allowed to have more than one God and now becomes clear that the second commandment on the second tablet is don't commit adultery and that is be committed to your spouse don't have another spouse and the third commandment on the first tablet is don't take God's name in vain and the third commandment on the second tablet is don't steal what's the connection taking God's name in vain and theft stealing and that is when a person steals he is brought to court and in court they asked him did you steal and she serves no I didn't and they say swear that you didn't steal and he has to swear and in court you swear with God's name and if you swear falsely then you're taking God's name in vain and the fourth commandment on the first set of tablets is keep Shabbat and there was fourth commandment on the second tablet is don't testify falsely and what's the connection and that is that Shabbat is a sign between us and God it's a testimony that not only we believe that God exists but also the God created the world in six days and rested on the Sabbath so by keeping Shabbat we are testifying to the truth of God creating the world in six days so now again it's it's clear that it corresponds to not testifying falsely when somebody doesn't keep Shabbat he's testing her post it's as if she saying either there is no God how to show up or that there's God but he did not create the world in six days and therefore I don't have to rest on the Sabbath so the question becomes what is the connection between the fifth commandment on the first tablet and the fifth commandment on the second tablet the fifth commandment on the first tablet is under Europeans and the fifth commandment on the second tablet is don't be jealous what's the connection between honoring your parents and jealousy envy very good very good yes yes when when you look at your parents and you compare them to parents of other people you might judge your parents unfavorably and you might say my parents are not so good my friend's parents are better my cousins are better I wish I had those pants and that is just as forbidden as being jealous of anything else that your friend has and that is one way to honor your parents in thought that when you look at your parents and you say my parents are good I'm happy with my parents God gave me these pants and they're good for me don't wish anyone else's parents I don't want any one of those things I'm satisfied with my own pants this way you are actually honoring your parents and I mentioned that in the first class that that is how you have to approach your parents you have to look at them and say what good can I find in my parents is there any quality that they have that they excel more than regular people whether you find that they are more kind than average or they have a they are humble or the patient or they're smart or whatever they that maybe you have to concentrate on good when you look at your parents try to find something good and concentrate on that don't concentrate on the bad one thing you don't like but rather on good and think well about them in your mind and through that you will fulfill constantly the Mitzvah of honoring your parents okay now coming to the next point in honoring parents is not only we have commandment to honor our parents during their lifetime but even after parents pass away we still have commandment to honor them how do you honor your parents when they pass away so in a in Talmud Rashi quotes an old and ancient safer called the Shahada guru name and he and he says that there was an old custom that on the day that a an important person died they would mark that day on a calendar and every year on anniversary of that day of the passing of that individual they would gather sages together and come to his grave and they would establish a yeshiva there for that day they would sit near his grave and they would learn Torah and that was called yeshiva so from there we the Bukharian Jews we have a custom also to form a yeshiva on the day of person's passing but we call it issue ear she bought your schwa and that is designed to give married to the person who passed away to learn Torah in his merit in the olden times they would actually bring together the Talmud ever come in and dedicate the day of learning for that individual we do it similarly we get guests together and we also invite rabbis and listen to the vrae Torah now this is one small way to honor your parents after they passed away and that is to do something in their merit when you learn Torah in their merit or when you organize a class learning group in their marriage that is honoring them because when the person passes the way they cannot do any meets for themselves and they stop in their growth it can no longer acquire merit and reward and if you do something for them to increase their level and their reward you're actually giving them greatest gift possible you are helping them to continue growing and getting reward even though they are not capable of doing it themselves however however that is only once a year our sages say that don't do it once a year don't limit your honoring of your parents to once a year but rather do it every day how do you do it every day you take upon yourself to learn Torah every day we take upon yourself to do mitzvahs whatever you're not doing here every day in the memory of your parent or grandparent for man if they say Kadesh they should spend time to learn how to take a dish properly not to come to synagogue once a year and only once a year open the sea doors as unfortunately some people do and then not really read it but mumble some things that doesn't doesn't sound like a dish with a lot of mistakes and such mistakes that it they actually saying bad words wrong words curses because if you don't know proper pronunciation of words and you replace letters then instead of good things you say bad things hearty Shalom so such a person shows that he doesn't care about his parents he just comes just to put a checkmark but he doesn't care about his pen because if he cared about his parents he would spend time to learn Kadesh and she wouldn't only come once a year she would come every day for the rest of his life to the synagogue and say Kaddish for his parents and he would come every day to classes of Torah or open a book himself and learn Torah for his parents another way to honor your parents is to give sadaqa for in India merit again not only on the day of their passing which is a good thing on the day of their passing to give extra to Dhaka but to do it every day and tell yourself that every time person does something for his parents I mean service he should say the following prayer she should say master of the universe please accept with mercy all the good that I do in my thoughts and in my speech and in my actions all this should be for the merit and for the elevation of the soul of my father and my mother master of the universe please accept with mercy all the good that I do in my thoughts and in my speech and in my action all this should be for the merit and for the elevation of the soul of my father and my mother and again for men who go to synagogue regularly it's good for them to become eligible to lead the prayer but that is only good if they know how to do it correctly they know how to pronounce words correctly and they know laws of Prayer and especially if they also know how to concentrate on proper to have proper intent and again somebody who wants to honor his parents properly should learn Hebrew well should learn translation of prayer he should take a class in was of prayer and and how to say it correctly and actually be prayer leader one of the methods of bringing honor to your parents is behaving nicely towards others in such a way that people will look at this individual and say his parents raised him well this way you will actually bring praise and respect for to your parents from other people and for that a person needs to be honest in business if he cheats somebody he is not only doing a sin or for cheating and business of stealing but he's also doing the sin of not honoring his parents because he's shaming his parents people are gonna say cursed our parents who raised such a son or daughter okay now we we finish this topic of honoring your parents after their passing if you have questions about this topic yes [Music] yes for sure anybody who does something for the merit of any individual it helps yes whether you are their descendant or student or any other relative or friend is good to do things in the merit of some of someone and again as I mentioned you should for sure this on the day of their passing but you should do it every day if possible yes there is no limit and again if you you if your making it your straw in the standard style where you invite a lot of people and cost a lot of money and a lot of food is being served that is wasted then you shouldn't do it past pants and maybe only for a few years and afterwards they could it could be that there is more damage than good for them when you do it you know there's a there's pride there's a competition there's a showing off Lashon Hara at these events when people just sit drink vodka and they they talk nonsense so it's not good the way it's going on but the the best way is to actually sponsor a class with a program or just invite somebody to your home and invite just a few relatives and do some refreshments and that they should learn Torah especially if you sponsor a class that wouldn't happen otherwise then you're actually creating something positive with your support if you just for example people have custom to to sponsor to - machine so sponsor especially she has benefit but very little because the citizenship would happen anyway and people especially now on a winter day they're not hungry and serving the lavish - the is just a waste of money you're not benefiting anyone and the rabbi would speak anyway and the people would come to mean hi anyway so your money is not achieving so much but if you would create a class for Shabbat afternoon a class that didn't exist and you would pay for that with some refreshments or matzah Shabbat or any other day when it wasn't there then that the whole thing goes to the merit of your parent yes yes for example if you want someone to have success so you can say I'm giving this to the car that such-and-such should have had Salah ha on the business or exam or anything it says in the Gemara that if a Jew gives sadaqah and he puts a condition to it it works he still it still counts for him as when it's off to that class and it benefits the person that that it adds to his merit and more likely that he will be successful and why because we know that a Jew when he attaches a condition to his tzedakah if the condition will not be fulfilled he'll still be happy that he gave to the car as opposed to non-jews if they give to the car and they attach a condition if the condition is not fulfilled and they will regret you know I shouldn't have given to that car because it didn't help then the the Mitzvah is cancelled so that's that's an important idea that you should never regret your Mitzvah but it is completely ok and permitted to attach a condition to your sadaqa or anything it's fun yes yes anything you do yes yes any Mitzvah yes candle lighting is not recommended except for the week when they passed away this from Shabbat to the day of their passing because it says that the when you light a candle it disturbs their soul so you only do it near the time when they passed away but all the other needs what it is permitted yes either way you can use even the loonie shmatte or the furnish man Leeloo means to raise the soul the sacrament in memory of I don't know catalytically what what happens in a spiritual world but that's what the custom is to stay in the looneys mat yes yeshiva this is Rashi in the Gemara Eva mote on page 122 a and he quotes difficult issue but again him so this is an old safe Rashi himself lived about 900 years ago so he's holding something that was written before him your name lived about a thousand to twelve hundred years ago okay now we move on to the next topic what happens if you notice that your father does something that you know your mother is not going to approve of or you see your mother doing something that you know your father does not allow and and if he finds out he will be not happy should you tell your other parent what the other ten do they no for sure not now what if your father your mother asks who did this should you that's the question should you say the truth and make them upset at the other parent or should you say I don't know or blame yourself or the cat or the neighbor so of course you should not give out such information to the parent and you are allowed to either not respond or change the truth not to make one parent upset at the other parent you're not allowed to reveal this information you can lie and and you you have to you have to conceal this fact from the other parent for Salam Fayyad yes for peace in general we're allowed to change the truth not to cause ill feelings unless you you have to protect somebody if this is just something that this parent doesn't like but there's nothing bad in it and it's not going to harm him in any way then you're not supposed to say however if you're dealing about with more difficult situations where the behavior of one person will damage the other person that is much more complicated and we have to analyze each situation separately when you have to inform the person to protect him or when you have to speak to the person who is doing the damage and try to first convince him yourself through other people without involving the the victim and if that's not possible how to introduce the idea to the victim that she shouldn't be upset or take action that is not warranted meaning you are allowed to protect someone but if if whoever you're trying to protect will then get angry and try to take revenge and hurt the person who tried to hurt him then you have to protect the aggressor from the victim because then the victim will become the aggressor so you have to do it in a way to promote peace and at the same time protect that party okay so this is one example where a child doesn't have to listen to his parents when a parent is demanding to find out information that is la cañada that will cause my flock it will cause a fight such information you are not supposed to give to the parent even though the parent demands another example where a child is not supposed to listen to his parents is when the parents are telling the child what yeshiva to learning or not to learn at all because we say the Mitzvah of learning Torah takes precedence over the Mitzvah of honoring parents so if the son knows that a certain yeshiva is going to be better for him that the rabbi's are better there the environmental data he will grow more he is allowed to make the decision himself and he doesn't have to listen to his parents he can listen to them and consider their opinion but the final decision is up to him yes yeah of course of course this is not not not about paying who is paying for it this is about who can make the decision a child who is a young child probably doesn't is not capable of making this decision if you're talking about a first grade or second grade and he says I hate school send me to a different school my friends are having fun over there you don't listen to him you still send him to a good school the one that you decide but if a child is already immature and she sees that it's not good for him he should be the one making this decision and parents have to be sensitive because if they force the child to go to the school that they think is good for the child and it's not good for the child they're gonna damage the child yes but what I'm trying to point out is that it's not completely parents decision the child has the right to make this decision as well but of course if he knows how to make this decision correctly at a certain age when they're still young parents can still force them and even though it's damaging the child but the parents still think this is the best and they force the child to go and it ends up damaging the child but after a certain age it's not proper for parents to put pressure on children and force them because every man was created as a free man every human being has freedom to decide how to live his life and nobody should force anybody else to do what they want whether it is husband and wife or wife and husband or even siblings or even parent to a child were not allowed to force another human being to do what we want that's called slavery kidnapping and that's not allowed not only that there's even a death penalty if somebody kidnaps a human being and forces him to do what I want there's a death penalty for the kidnapper even though he didn't damage him he didn't hurt him she didn't kill him but just enslaving a free human being with death penalty so parents should understand that and not force especially adult children unfortunately we know many cases with parents forced their children to do what they want even against halakhah even to damage their children even to break up their marriage and that is of course wrong and the the divorce is all the hardships all thoughts of whoever is forcing the person against his will so you as a parent you have to be aware of it and not force your children and if you want to force speak to your rabbi I speak to social or whether whoever you want to just to get another opinion whether what you're doing is it's correct and I know personally many stories were hands forced their children to go to a certain new Shiva and because the child didn't want they just last religion completely and why because the parents wanted to send them to that yeshiva not for the child's sake but for their own sake because it was prestigious whether because they have good secular studies or because they have good Hebrew studies because parents are going to be honored that their children are in such a good you Shiva and because of that basically they sacrifice their children okay but but as a child you have to understand that important decisions are up to you not up to your parents and as a parent you have to understand the same thing that important decisions are up to your children not up to your not not not up to you you can advise your parents your children but not command them like one time a father and angry father called me and he said rabbi why does my daughter listen to you and not to me he said why I'm her father don't I have the right to to tell her what I think what she should do so I told him that you right you're the father you care for her you raise her but there is a difference when I tell her what to do I don't tell her what to do she's asking me advice and I tell her my advice what she does it or not it's up to her when she asks you for advice and you tell her you're not telling her advice you're commanding her what to do and she doesn't want to listen to a command she's a free person okay but that's that's just an example of what what happens what what the attitude is of of our parents that they have the right to give us advice but once they give us advice we have to follow their advice and that is a wrong attitude yes yes so so if a parent tells you to do something and they tell you because I'm your mother you have to listen to me you have to be careful not to put them down not to fight with them not to say no I'm not gonna listen to you no in this area you don't have that right because it will hurt them you can reason with them even though you know in your heart that you're not gonna follow what they say but still just for pretend say or yeah you really want me to do it I have to think about it if I'll be able to I have this problem and this problem what about this problem and let them see the problems and maybe they will say you know what you're right it's not good for you that's one way another way is as I mentioned in the previous classes but you can say yes to them and then go and do whatever you feel is right for you know that again for peace you're allowed to lie if if if you're if you let's say your parent tells you that they want you to go to sleep at a certain time let's say they call you and say oh you have to you have to go to sleep not later than 11 and you say okay okay I will try yes and then you know that you cannot go to sleep earlier than eleven for whatever reason you need to do homework with your children your husband's coming up late whatever it is and then the next day your parent calls you and says look what time did you go to sleep you don't have to say that you went to stay played you can say yes it was hard but I went to sleep early last night why why because the the Mitzvah of honoring parents is only to take care of them and show them respect in things that pertain to them for example they tell you please give me a cup of tea okay you have to give them cup of tea and they tell you I I don't want black tea I want green tea so you have to give them green tea but if they tell you you know green tea is better than black tea you should drink green tea that has nothing to do with them it's your choice you can say okay okay thank you I appreciate that you gave me this information I didn't know green tea is healthier than black tea and you go and you prepare yourself tea do you have to prepare green tea no because it doesn't affect them you can prepare any tea you want and if they ask you you're allowed for peace to make them feel good you're allowed to tell them that you did like they asked why again because it has no effect on them of course if it really is unhealthy that's a separate commandment that you have to guard your health but as far as Qibla then you don't have to listen so this applies every in any case if they don't get any damage from it then you don't have to listen to them you still have to be polite in front of them and acknowledge be nice and say yes yes but when you leave you don't have to listen again your parents are not monsters where they shouldn't be and they're not dictators you have to respect them and there has to be mutual respect they should not expect that whatever they say you will do as a puppet they have to realize that you are a free human being and you have head on your shoulders and you have the right to make your own decisions yes yes this is going to be one of our topics probably next class what if your parent asks you for something that you know is not healthy for them the doctor said they shouldn't have it and they call you and say can you please buy it for me in a store or can you cook it for me can you give it to them we're going to discuss it okay so learning Torah is one example where the child can make his own decision doesn't have to listen to them similarly a child who wants to get married and parents don't approve the child should listen to them and consider their opinion think why they say it's not a good match often parents see something that the child doesn't and maybe the child should take the work of the parent and discuss it with someone else either their rabbi Rebbetzin or a friend my parents think like this what do you think do you also see the same thing however ultimately is the child's decision who he or she are going to marry yes yes yes again paying for something doesn't give you the right doesn't give you the right to command and to force your opinion on other people and if a child is strong enough if the parent tells him I'm paying for your wedding and therefore you do it my way the child should say it should think to themselves what's more important to have the fancy wedding and do things not the way they want for not according to halakha or to have a simple wedding which doesn't cost a lot and and do everything correctly and they you know for example the way more religious people do weddings now it's more practical we'll ask you nothing more than fine but that some safaris who do it as well is that they have a very simple wedding where each portion let's say cost 30 $40 and they have just a one-man band and they have just a photographer no you're not even video and that's it a simple hall and the whole wedding is going to cost them nothing because all the gifts are going to cover everything not only the food that company can cover the entire wedding and so you don't need your parents to pay for your wedding to have a kosher wedding and the aunts are not allowed to do that if they want to pay for their children's wedding that's a good thing they're doing the favor to their children but that doesn't give them any right and again if a child is strong they should say I would rather have a more simple wedding rather than have a fancy wedding but a non-kosher wedding okay now one more example a father is upset at somebody and she tells his son I want you never to forgive this person he hurt me and never forgive him do you have to listen to this so we have yes yes yes to your father don't say no you're wrong I'm gonna forgive him she's a good person because that will hurt the father if you know how to speak nicely to your father and to explain to him how that person didn't mean it and he regrets it and to make peace between us that's good but if not then you don't want to listen to your father and you can find ways to make peace with that person and and forgive him okay now a difficult what if parents did something very bad to the child for example if our mother a wife went and she had forbidden relations with another man and she became pregnant and she had a child who is now called among us there an illegitimate child now this child is spiritually damaged for the rest of his life and for all future generations he is not allowed to get married to a Jewish person regular Jew he can only marry to another mom there and his children are also considered mausoleum illegitimate children they also cannot marry Jewish people they have to continue marrying other Muslim so should such a person whose parents who's in this case mother ruined his life and now he's not gonna be able to marry and have children on his own he's not going to be respected should he treats his mother with disrespect or the is he still obligated to honor his mother yes among there still is the Jew and he still has to keep all the meat short yes yes so I'm even among sir who has valid complaints about his parents he still has to respect his parents yes and from there we we see for us even if our parents were not the perfect parent but still how much we have to show them respect because even if they did great sins that damaged our lives permanently still we will have to respect them and in our first class we discussed that as long as your parents one of your parents is alive if they remarry you have to honor the stepfather or stepmother once your parent dies you don't have obligation to honor the dead father or stepmother because they have no biological connection to you they're not your father not to your mother and the only reason why you honor them is because of an extension of your parent now your parent is not there you don't have to honor them but still it's advisable to honor them because this is something that your father or your mother would have liked you to do and we mentioned that in the previous class that you also have to honor your grandparents on the lower level than your parents your parents come first but you still have to honor your grandparents and also you have to honor your older siblings for sure you have to honor your oldest brother and according to men you also have to honor all your older siblings your older sisters and brothers again the respect for them is not the same as parents but still you have to show some respect to all their siblings and a person who converted he has to honor his biological parents and they they still have same prohibitions about cursing their parents and hitting their parents so just like regular Jews are not allowed to hit or curse the parent a convert also cannot behave this way towards his biological parent any questions yes yes yes yes whether his parents converted or not the relationship stays the same they are his biological parents by with the conversion when a parent when when a person convert they become like a new entity they receive a new salt and their relationship to their siblings and their parents is only on a biological level but but on a spiritual level they have a different soul now and it's as if they are not a spiritual child of of the appearance and not not a spiritual sibling of their siblings but so therefore it doesn't matter if their parents converted or not even if even if they converted they still consider only their biological parents not their spiritual parents yes yes we spoke about a case where a parent is not hundred percent psychologically not well that if you can take care of them yourself you should but if you cannot then you can hire somebody to take care of them if a person is not capable of making his own decisions then whoever is has to take charge and make the decision the child being in this case but you have to be very careful if you live with a parent who sometimes gets into a state where they are not logical and they may be abusive and and and fight and curse you don't want to live next to such a person because it's too dangerous for you as a child because if another person a caregiver a nurse acts roughly with them that's fine but if a child does that that that is dangerous for the child because he is acting disrespectfully so in such a case it's better to to live with them and to have someone else take care of them or at least for that time when they they're going through that stage to leave the scene and let someone else take over if possible okay shall we talk we're gonna stop here