Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Honoring Parents Part 7

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] elaborate on some of the halaqa that we spoke about in the previous classes we said that children are not allowed to sit in the chair that is designated for their parents or they are not allowed to sit or lie down on their parents bed without their parents permission what about children wearing their parents clothing or trying on their parents shoes there is no prohibition and children are allowed to wear their parents clothing just to try out for fun or if parents don't want to wear their clothing anymore they can pass it on to their children and shoes there's no problem because sitting in the parents chair is disrespectful because you're showing I'm just like my father just like my mother I also sit in a chair but trying on their clothing does not show a sign of disrespect what about wearing clothing or shoes of somebody that passed away a parent passed away children asked can we wear their clothing can we wear their shoes so the hahaha is that there is no prohibition with wearing clothing of someone who's this disease with shoes there is a prohibition to wear shoes that they were wearing at the time of death all other shoes are fine the shoes that were in the house that they owned if they were not wearing it the children can wear if they are uncomfortable to wear them they are allowed to give them away donate them they don't have to destroy it and even the shoes that the deceased was wearing you don't have to cut it up you don't have to destroy it all you have to do is just discard of it now why we have this prohibition why can't we wear shoes of somebody who passed away and that is because our body is supported by our shoes the bottom of our foot is inside the shoe and the rest of our body is above and this is parallel to our neshama our soul inside the body majority of the soul is above our body in the upper world spiritual world the bottom most part of the soul enters the body and the body is used as a shoe for the soul the soul uses the body to operate in this world to move around this world to fulfill mitzvot in this world after the soul leaves the body the body is discarded and we discard the shoes just like the soul left to its eternal place the body is put to rest so - when the body dies we'll put shoes to rest we don't use the shoes again this is just symbolic to remind us that the neshamah is eternal the neshamah stays forever and the body is just the physical part of the person next ha ha ha switching to a different topic a boy is not supposed to see his father not dressed properly what does it mean boys should not go to a mikvah together with a father they should not see their father completely undressed this has two reasons number one children are supposed to respect the parents and we respect people who look honourable and the person who is well dressed it's easier to respect him if you see any person who is half dressed undressed right away you respected Goes Down and therefore children should not see parents when they are not fully dressed when they are just getting dressed all messed up because then parents respect and the eyes of children goes down the second reason is to avoid bad thoughts when a child sees his father and sees his private parts when he is mature already above nine years old he will start thinking where did I come from what did my father do when I was conceived and we don't want a child to have these thoughts whether a child or even if he is adult he should not see his father undressed similarly a man should not see his brother in law meaning his sister's husband undressed which means you're not supposed to take bath shower or mikvah together with them or you go to a pool together after pool you take a shower should avoid seeing your father or your brother-in-law or your stepfather undressed so these are two reasons why father shouldn't take his children together with him to the mikveh Friday night you go to make oh you want to take your children either bring them in help them to go to mikvah and after they leave then the father dips or the father goes in dips gets dressed and then the children come in and the father helps them what happens if a father needs his sons help to take a shower take a bath he is so old he cannot wash himself so if possible the son should hire someone else to take care of the father if he cannot no one else is available the son is allowed to take care of the father in fulfilling the Mitzvah of keyboard Ave M you can either visit the parents physically and help them physically but if you live far away even calling them is enough even calling them for a moment and saying how are you Shalom Aleichem you fulfill the Mitzvah of honoring your parents showing them concern showing them you love that you're thinking about them if a child is traveling and the parents ask him please we're worried about you when you arrive safely at your destination let us know that you arrived safely the child is obligated to call and let his parents know whether by phone or text that the parent should not worry and by calling the parents to let them know how you came to your home you fulfill the mitzvot of keyboard RM a difficulty arises when a couple husband and wife try to balance their responsibilities responsibilities towards each other and towards their parents wife needs the husband the children need their father at the same time his parents need him what should he do wife's parents need her but at the same time her children need her and her husband needs her what should they do so the halacha is when a woman gets married she leaves her family and she now joins her husband's family and now she has new responsibilities to take care of her husband to take care of the household to take care of the children and therefore her responsibilities towards her parents are lifted off her shoulders she does not have to take care of them her brothers have to do it if her husband allows her to take care of them she has the time she should but she can now devote herself to her household on the other hand a husband still is obligated to take care of his parents even if he has a wife and family however if both of them need him at the same time his wife and his children take precedence he is building his own home and that comes first now a husband is allowed to tell his wife that he needs her at home and that she shouldn't go to help her parents however he cannot stop her completely a wife must be allowed to visit her parents regularly at least once a month so the husband cannot demand that his wife should not visit her parents at all in fact if a husband demands such a thing then he must give her divorce and pay her to Vaughn and therefore he can limit it if he truly needs her at home and the children need her but he must allow her to visit them at least once a month and every holiday before or during holiday if possible if parents and children are not on good terms and if they are fighting and whenever they are together they cannot interact peacefully they scream at each other and yell and fight then it's better for children not to visit their parents because even though they have responsibilities to honor their parents and to take care of the needs but at the same time they have a prohibition and negative commandment not to hurt their parents not to embarrass them not to hit them and not to curse them which are much more severe than the positive commandment of honoring your parents and therefore if by honoring your parents you will transgress and hurt your parents and call their names and scream at them it's not worth it it's better to be peaceful but far away than to be close and fighting what if parents are evil if they're sinners if they have bad character a child is still obligated to respect them however he doesn't have to visit them if it will have bad influence on him or the children for example if parents have bad character traits they're angry they're greedy they're stubborn and you're afraid that by being next to them you will learn from their traits and your children will learn from from them then it's better to limit your interaction and just visit them for short time or call them similarly if the parents are atheists and every time you come they make fun of you and they call you names they put you down and they weaken you spiritually your commitment to Torah becomes weaker then you also don't have responsibilities to visit them and again just call them wish them shabbat shalom or good night keep it short and don't visit them however what if parents are good people they just happen to be not observant in such a case it's different in such a case you are allowed to visit them you have to honor them you have to respect them you have to take care of them and even though they are not observant but we say that it's very likely that when you show respect to somebody and when you love somebody you develop relationship with somebody it's very likely that they will learn from you they would be comfortable with you and slowly they will start receiving messages from you and slowly but surely they will start accepting meets world one by one they will at least in your present they will keep Shabbat at least and your present they will wash hands at least in your present presence they will say blessings on food and therefore you should visit them and you should explain to your children that the reason why the grandfather and grandmother don't keep Shabbat is because they grew up in a country that did not allow them to be religious that did not allow them to believe in God and they brainwash them to say that there is no God that believe in atheism and it's not their fault they didn't have opportunity to learn in yeshiva and therefore we still respect them because they are good people but we understand where they're coming from additionally as long as there is a possibility that the parent is thinking of doing teshuva you have to respect them because maybe at that moment they did to Shiva so as long as a parent is not actively against Torah it just happened to be not observant you never know at what point they will get a thought that maybe there is God maybe we should keep mitzvot and therefore you can never disrespect them and you should not business from them because your closeness and your respect will actually help them to come to the point that they will take seriously the thought of God and Torah if your parents visit you and they are eating a meal by you are you allowed to serve them food if you know they're not gonna bless in the olden times the challah how was that if you know that a Jew is not going to bless you're not allowed to serve Him food because you are causing him to do a sin we're not allowed to eat without a blessing without thinking Hashem first for the good that he does for us and if you know that he's not going to do it and you're giving him food it's as if you are causing him not to make a blessing you're encouraging him not to make a blessing and therefore not only you're not allowed to serve Him food you're not even allowed to sell him food because you know that the food that you're gonna sell him he's gonna miss U's he's gonna consume it without blessing the Creator but that was in the olden times when the Jews knew about Hashem they knew about Torah and they chose to go against they chose to rebel against God and on purpose they wouldn't dress however in our times most Jews either are not aware of existence of Hashem or they not aware about their responsibility to thank God for all the good that he gives us or they know about it but they don't know how to do it they don't know Hebrew or they don't know the text of blessings or they don't know how I'm important it is so they don't do it on purpose most of the time and therefore we are allowed to serve them food however first you should try to convince them to wash their hands to make blessing a little ID a dime or if you're not serving bread to at least make a blessing on food or if they refuse to say a blessing at least convince them that you will sit next to them and you will eat and you will make the blessing and they should just listen to you pay attention and answer me if they will be willing to do at least that that's much better at the end if they refuse to say blessing to wash their hands and not even to say I'm into your blessing you're still allowed to give them food for the same reason as we mentioned before that through the good connection through love and through care eventually they will listen to you and the way eventually they will follow these mitzvoth what if you visit your parents home and they tell you I have some non kosher food in the refrigerator can you please serve it to me can you please warm it up for me he's a child allowed to serve his parents non kosher food at their request now here in the laws of putting a stumbling block in front of a blind lift nearly there look at and make sure we have two categories one is if a person cannot do a sin without your help then if you're helping him you're actually allowing him to sin you're encouraging him you are making it possible for him to sin and that is more strict then you're actually putting a stumbling block in front of the blind you're actually giving him a sin to do because he will do it without you for example a minor asks you to buy cigarettes for him at a store if you don't buy for him he will not be able to buy it himself so by going in and buying for him alcohol or cigarettes you actually allowing him to do something damaging for his health what if on the other hand a person can do it himself your father can get up and get the non kosher kubasov for himself from the refrigerator and you are assisting him but he will do the Avera anyway if you say no to him he's gonna do it anyway so you're not saving him from a sin you're just assisting him is this allowed or not so even in such a case whether he can get it without you or not a child should not serve non kosher food to his parents he should of course explain to them that it's not kosher that they they should eat kosher that he is willing to bring them kosher food how important it is at the end of the day if they say no I want specifically that he should say I'm sorry I cannot serve it to you I cannot cause you to do a sin and I cannot be the cause of you being punished in Gehenna I love you and therefore I don't want you I don't want to see you suffering another question can a son serve his father an alcoholic drink if the father requests if he knows that the father will get drunk and because of that he will embarrass himself he will behave improperly or he will not be able to fulfill mitzvot he will miss miss what / he will do a V Road in such a case a son is not allowed to give his father an alcoholic drink of course if he knows that the father can control himself then it's a mitzvah shabbat Yom Tov it's it's honorable to offer somebody an alcoholic drink however if you know that your father has a weakness then you're not allowed to serve Him you have to find an excuse you have to somehow get out of it peacefully what if a father is sick and he wants to eat food that is not healthy for him and he's telling you please buy for me pizza please serve me ice cream please give me candy and you know it's not healthy for him are you allowed to serve it to him so here there is a difference whether it's like threatening whether it's going to cause immediate sickness or is just overall not healthy so if it's life-threatening for sure a son is not allowed to serve his father food that the doctor said might have such a lung caused his death not only that even if the doctor said that if he eats this food his sickness will get worse in such a case also the son should not serve his father the food however if the food is just a generally unhealthy food and from eating just this time the father will not get sick will not die his his disease is not going to get worse then the son should try to get out of it he should try to convince his father not to eat it he should try to offer him healthier option but if at the end of other ones he is allowed to serve not healthy food to his father because it's not life threatening and because it's not going to make him sick immediately what if the father asks a son for a cigarette or he Bai he asks him to buy cigarettes for him so here also it is falls into category something that is generally unhealthy and the regular person will not die or his condition will not worsen from just that cigarette pack of course a son should speak to his father consistently and he should show him studies and examples of people who got sick who got cancer who died however if the father insists the son is allowed to get him cigarettes unless the doctor said that he is in such a state that even as one cigarette will have detrimental effect on him in such a case the son is not allowed to offer a cigarette to his father the last question is afar a child who grew up without a father whether his father abandoned him or that his parents got divorced and now the mother remarried and now he has a stepfather and his whole life he grew up with his stepfather and his stepfather paid all he for his needs he took care of him he taught him everything he knows and he's gonna continue helping him and he loves him and he cares for him now the child grew up and he goes to the synagogue and they give him Aliyah to Torah and by Torah they asked him what's your name should he give his stepfathers name because he's the one that serves in a role of the father or should he give his biological father's name in such a case even though his biological father didn't do anything for him from the time of conception and even though he abandoned him he will still have to give his biological father's name why because even though he did his father did not fulfill his role as a father properly but such a parent we still have obligation to respect and not only that we not allowed to disrespect him and here by not giving the name and by changing the name and saying he's not my father my father is a better person the one who took care of me you are actively disrespecting your father and actively pointing to the fact that you don't recognize him as your father and because of that you have to still use your biological father's name and even though your stepfather may be hurt you have to explain to him that this is what the law requires of you that you have to use your biological father's name but you still love him and respect him and and you appreciate everything that your stepfather did for you one of my students asked me a question that his father called him on Friday and he told him my son I'm my doctor said that I cannot go to jaw to my work because if I go to work tomorrow I might have a heart attack and I might die and therefore I have to stay home and rest but I cannot leave the business unattended and therefore you have to go and work tomorrow's Shabbat what should I do my student asked my father is in danger if he goes he's going to get sick and die and he threatened me that if I don't go work on Shabbat in his place he's gonna go himself and he's gonna die should I go and work to save my father's life or not what's the halacha in such a case so we say that you have to help somebody who is in need but you don't have to help somebody who is putting himself into trouble on purpose if somebody is saying I'm going to cut myself if you don't give me ten dollars you don't have to give them ten dollars why because they are causing this damage to themselves if somebody says I'm going to kill myself if you don't desecrate Shabbat it's their problem they are putting this this injury upon themselves and it's not your problem you don't have to from now on desecrate Shabbat just to make them feel good that they should not threaten you that they will kill themselves and therefore the son in such a case should explain to his father that he cares for him and he should rest and he should take care of him of his health and that Shabbat is important and that he is not allowed to desecrate about and that he will not be able to go work on Shabbat for him if he knows that the father will believe him if he says that don't worry just rest I'm gonna go and the father will not go to work will not check on him and the son will just call the workers and says say we're off tomorrow we're closing the business then he should do that and after Shabbat the father's gonna find out and he'll look explained him I couldn't go I had a stomachache I couldn't go but the son is not allowed to actually go and desecrate Shabbat just because the father is threatening him Shavua Tov next week we'll have the last class on loss of living your parents you [Applause]