Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Honoring Parents Part 8

[Music] [Applause] [Music] the [Music] [Applause] [Music] is the last class in this series of honoring your parents Clause number 8 if after this you still have questions you're welcome to contact me afterwards we will cover some practical questions we will start with an interesting question we know that there is a Jewish name for men and that is above or above as we say now what if the father happens to be called ABBA what does his child call him can a child call his father's name ABBA if the father's first name is album who said that children are not allowed to call their parents by the first name so if possible a child should change the father's title to something similar for example instead of saying ABBA he can say it in Hebrew avi Abba is an aramaic word that means father in hebrew would say um so instead of using the aramaic common name baba he can say avi avi means my father in hebrew or he can say it in english that all he can say in HIDA static that's preferable if it is hard let's say the child is too young can she hears others in his class called her father's Abba so he also does so that's okay or even if he is adult already and he's used to scolding his father Abba and it's hard for him to change his also allowed just ideally kela it's good to change but if it's difficult he is allowed to call him ABBA because the reason why we're not allowed to call our parents by the first name is it shows that we are on the same level as them the show certain lack of respect that we should have for someone who is much older than us and especially our parents but if we're doing it not out of disrespect but just because that is his title and it so happens that his first name as well but that's not the child's fault the child is still behaving with respect by calling him father a similar question what is the mother's name is Mossad / Mazel Tov well we're looking for something that a child would say to his mother so the the the child if it's image too long then he's not calling her image too long he's calling me EEMA and that's different but let's say her name is Michelle Oh Mazel Tov and she had the birthday or she gave birth and now can the child come to his mother and say Mazel Tov he's calling her by simile it sounds like he's calling her by her first name but he is not his intent is to congratulate her to wish her Mazel Tov and therefore again it is permissible because it does not show disrespect because he's not calling her by her first name he's just addressing her wishing her good wishes so therefore the custom is to allow for a child to wish his mother Mazel Tov even if his mother's name is Moscow you just continue yes yeah the same is if your father's name is ABBA you can call them all but if it's difficult anything else that would depend on on the delicate as the the ethics of the etiquette of the country that you're in if it's disrespectful to call someone by their last name you would pull your friend in school buy it by the last name someone on the street but in a country where calling someone by last name is respectful then that would be permitted so even though there is no direct prohibition to call your father by his last name but if it is considered disrespectful in your society then that is not allowed even any other stranger by many people is considered that it's disrespectful if you want to call me call me by my first name don't call me by my last name but again it depends on on the particular community now when when the person is sick we pray for them and when we pray for them we mentioned their name so if one's parents are sick can he pray for them and mention their actual name or does he need to give them titles for example let's say he usually refers to his father as V Marie which means my father my teacher when he prays for him does he need to call him Adam OD or to say Hara the rabbi my father so and so so we say that since when we pray for someone's health we are asking for Hashem's mercy we are speaking to a Shem and in front of Hashem everybody is equal meaning we are impressed by titles someone is more knowledgeable someone is greater so we give them titles but when we stick to a shelf that human being is a human being and there is no one greater than Hashem so we cannot refer to people with great titles when we were speaking to a Shem and therefore even if when you speak to people you're used to calling your father or your mother with great titles like the rabbi the rabbits and the God Modi Marathi when we pray for their health we don't mention these titles the only title the dimension is my mother or my father so for example if your father's name is Yehuda and his mother's name is layer you would say may my father he who the Bentley have a flash lemma oh in Hebrew you would say avi you would have been layer you would not say IV Modi Hara rabbi I would have been there don't mention any titles and the same thing for a mother you would say me for example in me dinner but let me means my mother and then you say your mother's name this is how we pray for their health and also this is how we mention their name in Hajj kibosh Kaaba is a prayer for the disease that we say on the outside so we don't mention titles just IV my father or meet my mother yes yes if it's understandable that you are giving their name for prayer and you not just call them that then even that is okay but again that you should not give the titles when you're being called to the Torah for man then it is proper to give titles let's say they ask you what's your father's name so then you can say haha so and so but again when you pray for the health or for the disease you don't mention titles we mentioned before and and we had some questions about it that a child is not allowed to ask his parents to serve Him and when can you ask your parents for a favor for example you need to go out and you would like your parents to babysit you're not feeling well or you're visiting your parents and you're hungry what should you do if you would like them to give you food or provide babysitting or anything else so we're not supposed to demand not supposed to command and you're not supposed to ask openly but if you hint to them of what you need is and then they get the hint and they provide for you that is permissible for example you shouldn't say to your parents oh my my button fell off fix it please fix my my shirt saw the bottom back off that is not allowed however if you just inform your parents and say my shirt is torn my button fell off and then your mother or father offers help you are allowed to accept them to thank them you apologize or for example you're hungry instead of saying can you make coffee you just say if they give you the breakfast view apologize and you thank them you're apologized for inconveniencing them for making them work hard you praise them thank them you don't take it for granted ask a question like oh can you please do that or if they ask you even in a question form you also like comply with the same way so how do you like one that type of relationship again yeah they can ask you questions in the normal way usually slowly slowly get used to asking them in a more polite way just like again we have to view our parents as someone very important someone very great if president visits you you're not gonna tell them can you please go get any coffee yeah yes yes yes saying it in a question form but it should be a question form giving them a choice that is okay sometimes even if you ask it in a question form but it's understood that you're you're demanding would you mind taking out the trash so that is not a question that's a command so for example if you going out and you need your parent your parents to babysit you don't tell them or please babysit for us please or would you please babysit for us we need your help but rather if your parents are at their home you bring them and you you say would you would you be willing to watch our children or you just hint and say I brought my kids for you but again you should be sensitive that if it is hard for them or inconvenient for them they should not feel that you're demanding and you are forcing them that they should be able to say no and if they say no you have to respect them because otherwise you you are demanding and forcing them to do your will which is not allowed so again think about it if an important person was visit you you would not demand things from them if they offer it to you you would excuse yourself and you say oh it wasn't necessary I could have done it myself thank you very much you show that you didn't expect it you show that you appreciate it that they are doing more than they have to and that is okay but it would be disrespectful to openly ask them for service whenever someone whenever someone asks you for a favor that you cannot do you have freedom to decline and you shouldn't be afraid and they shouldn't be pushy you know we have freedom everybody has freedom and we not anyone's slaves and there should be respect mutual respect for everyone's freedom and there are different ways of answering you can either say you bother me every day leave me alone I stop stop abusing me or you can say yes I would love to do it for you just today I am preparing for exams today I have to meet a friend I'm not available or what should I be hearing to want to respond you're saying what should they say to you how should they ask you properly yes yes yes I helped us a lot in the past you've been so helpful we're so happy that when such sister would you be able to watch our children but they are not here and and I'm not speaking to them so don't expect it from them people people make mistakes and people everybody needs to improve their communication skills and so shouldn't expect people to be master communicators and say the right thing every time and if they make mistake and if they say it in the wrong voice in the wrong tone in the wrong using wrong words we shouldn't accuse them and judge them harshly because they just don't know we we didn't take courses we were not masters of communication and therefore we have to excuse them and accept the imperfection yes it's it's proper to expect everyone to behave politely but you should not you should not get upset if they don't because again you're dealing with people and some people are not educated or just in a rush or stressed out and they just might not say what you expect and even though that is probably the proper thing but you cannot expect that everybody is going to be perfect all the time and it will hurt you throughout your lifetime a lot if you expect people to be perfect including your children in your heart and your parents and your parents-in-law if you expect them to be perfect your life is gonna be continuous suffering and lives of those around you are going to be a suffering so you have to be forgiving patient and and not demanding okay going to the next topic yes it's a big question you're asking how do you make children listen to you yes yes just like any any Mitzvah and just like any work on character improvement it's a big job and it's a lifetime work and you cannot expect children to happily do it because they don't see what you see they don't understand how important parents are how much they've done for them and they don't understand Hashem's existence and his greatness and the commands that he gives us and the reward in a llama but they don't know all that and so for them to do things with understanding is impossible and so they will repel and they will complain and they they will say things to you that you are the worse than the monster and everything so you you should not expect that they they will become angels overnight and they will say like my daughter came home and one one time from from her kindergarten and my wife happened to ask her something and she turned around she said for you mommy dear everything [Music] and so and since then that's what she started saying whenever my wife asked her something she says for you mother dear everything and she goes and happily does it so she happened to absorb the message from her Mora and she put it in into into life but not everybody has such role models and listens to them and so you have to be patient and that's that's why our Africa men say that a parent should not put too much burden on his children because it's making very hard for children to fulfill the mitzvot properly and they resented mmm later when they grow up and they actually have an understanding and ability to fulfill properly because the relationship yes that when children hear the parent demanding something then they feel that the parent is biased and they demanded for themselves they don't understand that you're asking them because you want them to grow and to become an adult and for their own good but if the other parent tells them that that's the proper thing to do then that excuse is not there if the father says you have to listen to your mother then the child says the father is not asking for himself he's asking for the mother must be that's the truth and if the mother says you have to listen to your father you have to respect your father your father is a great man you have to respect him so then the child says there is nothing for mother in it must be the truth she's not biased very good so that is very powerful the the father and mother should encourage the child to perform the means of todavia for each other for the other parent thank you so the next question is a very sensitive topic what if you found out from the doctor that a parent is sick and that their disease is incurable should you say it to your parents the parent doesn't know the parent went to the doctor the doctor called you and said this is the situation the parent has this disease it's a terminal illness it's incurable yes there is no choice should this the child say to his parents we're not thinking about the case where if the parents find out they'll be able to do something then for sure you have to tell them that they should take action but here there is nothing to do the doctors give up and they give you the right now's the questions to say with this we spoke about all the bad news and we said that if the parents can do something about it you should tell them but if not then you're not supposed to tell them not about them and not about yourself if something happened in your life don't tell it to you can't why make them worry for nothing they cannot help you anyway here it's about their health their life should the son or daughter tell their parents about that's true that's true but I can answer that for that you can wait until it's close meaning that if you know that they have six months to live so maybe you shouldn't say to them and make them suffer for six months maybe you should wait until the doctor tells it's a month or two weeks so that they apologize and the others apologize to them and they say goodbye and they take care of the last business but why make them suffer for six months doesn't mean anything right as the Mishna says the best of doctors will go to Gehenna why because because we talked about the doctor that takes too much pride in himself and relies too much on himself and because of that he will not ask second opinion and he will give the patient a course of healing that may be detrimental as opposed to he would question himself and he would ask another opinion maybe he would realize his mistake and therefore many doctors kill patients because they again they rely on themselves without a second opinion and the second reason is because they are too proud and instead of attributing the success to Hashem they attribute it to themselves that's true if a doctor says that a person will die in six months you shouldn't believe the doctor but at the same time you have to take action and then do everything in your power my great-grandmother when she was 45 years old moves back his time she went to a doctor and they did they tests and afterwards the doctor told her it's okay everything's okay with you and then when the doctor left the room she was there alone and she looked into the doctors notebook Ankita and doctors in those times they didn't write in Russian not in English they wrote in Latin I think and and my great-grandmother she knew how to read she knew many languages and so she read and she saw that the doctor said that she has cancer and she has only six months to live and she said she was a religious woman and she said I didn't become scared I didn't trample I was strong I said there's Hashem he's gonna take care of me and and after that she she lived for another 51 years yes [Music] [Applause] [Music] example even if the doctor tells tells a person that they have limited time to live it doesn't mean anything Hashem is the boss he can change it so the question is should you inform your parents of of the doctors words that he has incurable disease and the hibakusyas that you should not if they will find out from someone else let them but a child shouldn't cause his parents pain it's worse for the child to cause them pain and not only that even a regular person should not inform the patient of the terminal illness because it will break the spirit most of the time and they will give up if you tell them you can if you tell them that you have a serious condition and if you live a healthy lifestyle if you take medicine if you take treatments everything's gonna be okay that's good but to tell them that it's incurable no doctor has the right to do you cannot cause them to lose hope and stop fighting so that nobody is allotted and especially a child and we are interesting it says that when a person gets sick at the beginning of his sickness you shouldn't tell anybody why because as long as nobody knows Hashem can make a miracle and pure them and that's going to be considered a hidden miracle and a hidden miracle is easy fashion to do because nobody knows about it and this way it doesn't change the normal course of nature however once you inform people that I am sick mashaallah then in order to pure you hashem needs to perform an open miracle either he needs to let you go through the normal course of events and for the next couple weeks has a shalom a person is going to be sick and naturally people will think he naturally got better otherwise if you want to be healthy the next day it has to be an open miracle so it says in the beginning of your sickness don't tell anybody that you're sick because you should rather right-waist pray to a share do teshuva take proper measures maybe take care of your health and maybe the next morning you're going to be fine so only you gonna know you're gonna press a sham and everything's gonna be fine but if you see that it didn't help you didn't have enough marriage to be healed then inform people and let them pray for you and let them also add to your marriage it's a twist the first day don't tell anybody afterwards it's okay so it says the same thing with this the more people know that somebody has an a terminal illness the less of it they have of surviving because Hashem doesn't do open miracles in our days why because he doesn't want to take away freedom of choice from people if people see open miracles they will become religious because of the miracles not because that's the right thing to do not because they have yetzer Hara and they choose to choose to do the good thing but rather they say oh I hear my friend start keeping Shabbat and they became rich I'm also gonna be I heard my friends Martha was sick and they brought their dishes to the mikveh I'm also gonna so they're not gonna do it for the right reason and therefore hashem doesn't do open miracles and because of that you should not inform people that somebody has terminal illness because this way it's hidden and if they get better nobody knew that they ever had it and so it's not gonna be an open miracle yes this is already on the next stage when when you see that the person is already sick and the people around him already know and he's married is not enough and the married to his close family is not enough so then you ask others to participate so like an autoimmune situation you should you can you can ask people to Dobbin but don't necessarily explain what it is and and the name and there's a there's a question at what point should you give the name of the person in a synagogue let's say by Shabbat when they opened the Arkon they did the Torah and they say misha dara for the sick people some say even for a little bit give the name because you have to pray to a shame Hashem is the healer and even for minor illness asked but but there is another school of thought that say no the opposite don't ask unless it is life-threatening because by announcing his name you're making it public and it's gonna be harder for him to get better but so what some shoes do not to make it public they just make the prayer and then they pause and they say whoever has names say the name to yourself speak to uh shame yourself and then they finish the prayer out loud okay yes okay yes well it's better to find out that you made a mistake than to insist that your opinion is the ultimate and then give him wrong treatment even though when you send a patient for second opinion you are taking a risk that the second doctor will argue with you will disagree with you but that's the proper thing because at Mugello Maharashtra at the aleutian you you're dealing with people's lives people's health and it's not the place to choose your your gava your honor over someone's well-being whatever it suction so how do you supposed to I mean we there is definitions of diagnosis so how do you explain to the patient that really seeing it no we're not saying that the doctor is not allowed again if there is anything to do the doctor is obligated to tell him you have strep throat you have this and that and this is the medicine you should take but the doctor should not be predicting the the day of death for the patient you should not be saying it's terminal you should not be saying you have only this amount of time to live because he doesn't know and we have cases that they're wrong both ways either it happens earlier or later so he shouldn't be taking it into his own hand and openly saying that's it prepared then it happened to me a few years ago I went to a doctor and after checking me he said did anybody ever tell you you have asthma and I said no and he said so let me be the first one to tell you that you have asthma and you should be ready to live with it for the rest of your life because it's incurable so I said thank you for informing me and and then couple years later both Hashem I learned a way to cure it and makishima already now for 3-4 years I don't have it and I went back to that doctor and I wanted to tell him you know you told me that that it's incurable and I cured it but I controlled myself and I didn't tell it to him but this is an example that that somebody relies on himself and plays around with people's feelings and tells them bad news without giving them a even a little bit hope that it could be different [Music] how many people wouldn't have children [Music] okay now next question siblings brothers and sisters are not allowed to fight in general but especially in front of parents because parents great pain to see their children fight or curse each other even worse wishing that the other person should something bad should happen that for sure shouldn't be done at all but especially in front of parents and you pads in Latvia well you shouldn't do it but but it's not the same as if you're fighting with your own sister or your own brother because your parents love both of you more than they love your brother-in-law sister-in-law and therefore they're gonna be in pain more if you fight with your own sibling argument is okay discussion is okay yes yes we're talking about a physical fight word fight where you call each other bad names you wish upon each other bad things are so shallow okay now an important question that happens when the child is born number one what name to give the child and number two who give the honor of some duck to the child and here we have a lot of honoring your parents and many fights happen because of it and many fights are provoked by the parents themselves so the custom is that the first child the father of the child has the the choice to name the father of the child the second child the mother and also the first child the father chooses who is going to be the son back the second boy the mother chooses who is going to be the some done and usually because of that the father's father the grandfather is the summed up by the first boy the grand father on the mother's side is the some dog for the second boy however we know that even though this is the custom but it is preferable that the some duck should be a righteous person some duck should be an observant person and therefore if the grandparents are not if they don't it's better to give the honor of some back to someone else either another relative who is observant or the father should take it himself or he should give it to Tom Ibrahim or a rabbi however if it will cause a fight a war a moussaka then it is permitted to give it to your parents even though they are not observant to preserve peace peace is above everything and therefore even though the child gets gets certain spiritual influence from the Sun duck and unfortunately he will get some negative influence from the Sun duck who is not observant but that is more preferable to having an argument a fight a war because the the negative spiritual influence that is going to come from fighting and this fighting might continue for the rest of their life is much worse than the negative influence from the some duck who is not religious yes yes if your father or your father who expects to be sometime and you don't want to give it to them because they're not religious or they have bad character traits they're atheist or just not a good person so then you have to always speak to them you have to apologize you have to explain why it's important and why for the baby's welfare you should give it to someone else now as a second choice if they refuse and they still want to be some duck one good way to avoid my pocket and still avoid negative influence is let the not religious person be the Sun duck but let a religious person stand next to him and hold baby's knees and spread them apart so that he is considered the one who is helping the mohel because the role of the Santa is to help the mohel to do the Brit Milah and give Sadek is just gonna sit there and you tell him just hold the baby's hands and he hold baby's hands but that doesn't mean anything and your or you or another rabbi is holding the baby's feet the one who is holding the baby's feet and helping the mohel he is the real Santa and that is the next best you can have one person or two people one on this side one at that side if you want to avoid my pocket that should be done yes there is one person who is holding the baby when the baby is gaining Brit Milah and there is one person who is holding the baby you're the naming blessings we're talking about the sitting one the one that holds the baby during Brit Milah that is more important if the father will agree the not religious father will agree to be the second son doc who is holding the baby when he is even named that is good and sometimes they fall for it and they will agree to hold the baby and you tell them that's the most important part that's when the baby receives the name you may avoid this issue this way if not then does it make someone to be on guard and watch and and right before Big Momma starts to hold the babies feed themselves now next question is what like from mother no whoever gives the name he deceives the prophecy so we give again ideally the father numata the parents should discuss the name and come to a peaceful conclusion they should both be happy with the baby's name but but they should respect this sort of order that you choose this time I'm gonna choose next time well we see throughout that sometimes the modern means the son sometimes the father means the son it's there's no specific order or reason some children yakov name some children it's hawk names and children layer some children raffle and we see in one case Roth who called her son one way and the father said no I don't agree and he changed the name so you cannot learn from the Torah itself you see that both have an ability to me but as far as the naming children it's important to give the child a name that has a good meaning and a name that is connected to a good person so if your relatives demanded you should name your child in memory of somebody who you feel is not a good role model then if you can speak to them and convince them good if not what you can do is agree with them okay I'll give them that name but in your mind when you give the name have in mind a different person let's say they tell you name him Avraham because my uncle was Abraham and he died young and I want his memory to me and you know that this Abraham died because he must somebody and he got into a fight and they killed him and you don't want your son to have this name so you say you know what okay I'll give him the name Abraham but in your mind you say I'm calling him after Abram Aveeno or any other person who was righteous so your parents don't have to know about it and when they tell their relative all you know this is after my uncle you just be quiet and you know the truth okay we're gonna finish with this question we said that if a parent requests that the son should go against Torah they shouldn't listen if the parents if the parent asks his son or daughter not to fulfill a positive commandment we cannot listen to transverse the negative cannot listen even at a venue cannibalism however if it is not a total commandment and it's not rabbinic commandment it's only a stringency that you took upon yourself it's only a homra only a middle high C dude something beyond the letter of the law and your parents asked you because of their concern for you let's say for man let's say he goes to mikvah every morning and the parents tell him no it's very cold it's winter you might get sick please don't so since it's not hahaha it's only something that you took upon yourself then you should listen to them at least as as long as they are aware of you of what you're doing you shouldn't do it if they don't know then it's okay so it's important to know which means what we do are on the Torah level which means what we do our rabbinic and what we do as a stringency because if you make a mistake and you think that this kumaradas stringency which is not required is just putting you on a little bit higher level but it's not required if you think that this is the right way if you think this is from Torah you will make mistake number one you will choose that stringent C over something that is obligatory and you can ignore the really important thing and you're gonna run after the stringency or you might hurt your parents and you might insist on something that they should do something or that you are not gonna listen to them and you are going to still do what you want even though don't have to so in all our decisions we should know what are we doing I will deciding to do something because it's Torah obligation rabbinic obligation a custom or just my personal stringent it's very important because well they always have to choose do I do this or I do this and that's why it's important to be informed and for Abba is also it's important to tell people that they teach on what level this this means why is is it just a good advice is it a Kabbalistic good good behavior or it's something that is demanded according to hala because often we hear that a certain behavior is very important but people don't know how important it is and they say oh that's it I'm going to dedicate my life to it and then they ignore their children their husband and their neighbors and their health and they suffer just because somebody said that it's very important but they don't know in relationship to other things how is it important maybe compared to wasting time it's very important but compared to doing other needs what learn to are helping your neighbor your husband your children it's maybe meaningless so that's the message I want to leave you with always find out on what level the obligation is may we all have the married to fulfill all Mitzvahed and especially this means that properly go [Applause]