Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Laws of Proper Speech Part 2

[Music] this is the second class in the series of the laws of proper speech laws of Lashon Hara last week we had a summary and as well as we gave the seven rules to to fulfill before you're able to sell a Shannara today we're going to have an example and also I'm going to rephrase the laws some say in five six or seven or more conditions that have to be fulfilled in order to be able to sell us on our if not then you don't say anything if necessary you stay quiet or you ask advice so number one you have to see it yourself or if you didn't see it yourself you have to verify the information you have to make sure that it really happened and you have to confirm that really what you saw is what really happened you have to try to speak to the person first to see maybe he will change his ways and then there is no reason to speak to others and if he doesn't want to change he doesn't want to listen and you're forced to speak to someone you cannot speak to just anyone you have to choose somebody who that person respects enough that he will listen to them which means that you tried speaking to him he doesn't listen so you have to now find somebody who he respects and he will listen to you can't just go and start publicizing it to people who have no relationship with him people who don't have his best interest in mind you if you are planning to say this information it has to be somebody who will have good influence on him whether it's a parent a sibling a mentor rabbi and another condition that the the person you're planning to speak to you planning to relay this information you have to have enough of a relationship with that person that you will trust you if he will not trust you then whatever you're saying is just is just talk nothing positive is going to come out of it because the person you're speaking to is not going to influence the sinner let's say and so you're not allowed to share the information unless you're trying to protect that person if your intent is not to influence the sinner but rather to protect the other party then this condition doesn't apply then he doesn't have to speak to to the sinner he just has to protect himself but if your intent is to help the person improve you have to only relay this information to somebody who will trust you and somebody who will be able to speak to the other guy the next condition is that it has to be the truth meaning what you say has to be exactly what happened you cannot add you cannot change you cannot exaggerate if you saw it yourself you can say I saw it I heard it if you didn't you have to say what your source is you have to say I heard one person saying it I read it somewhere it's a rumor you have to explain to the person you you're relating the information to that you're not 100% sure that you're not testifying it's just a rumor next you have to keep a constructive purpose in mind and there are two kinds either you want to improve the person who did the the sin or something bad or you are trying to protect are the people from him if you don't have one of these two but rather you just want to see his downfall you just enjoy saying bad about that guy then you're not allowed to say even though you saw it and even though the person you're speaking to will believe you and even though he will likely go and speak to him but you're still not allowed to say because you're saying it for a wrong reason if you're saying it to improve him or to protect others you're allowed to if you're saying just to enjoy the the gossip yeah then you're not allowed to the the other condition is if the purpose can be fulfilled any other way without you delivering the information for example if somebody wants to have a partnership with this guy and you know this guy's not trustworthy so instead of saying bad things about him if you can keep keep your friend away from him some other way find him another partner explain why this partnership is not going to work because the distance because of finances but without mentioning anything bad about the person then you have to use that other way and not reveal the information and another condition is that you have to reveal only enough information to accomplish your goal for example you speaking to someone's parents and you want the parents to speak to the child you try speaking to the child doesn't work so now you want to convince the parents that you the children are doing something wrong so if the children did let's say five things wrong if just saying one will be enough you cannot say more than one just say you should be aware your children were involved in such and such it would help if you speak to them it will stop them from going further and you don't have to mention that they also did many other bad things but if you you know that the the parents are not going to be convinced then then you're allowed to add more negative information and the last condition is that you have to think what will happen if you reveal this information will any unnecessary damage come to this person from either the person you're revealing the information to or from this person then spreading the information and damage will be done that this person doesn't deserve and again your goal is to improve the person or to protect others not to punish him not to hurt him not to cause him damage now let's look at let's look at an example one of the excellent books on this subject is this purity of speech and I'll try to bring a few other examples of books that are excellent but as I said last time any book on this subject by by any publisher arts called sharp press feldheim any any book is good now here it brings an example you know your friend is getting married and they need to book a hall and the cater and you hear that they want to hire a caterer that served your cousin's wedding and you heard from your cousin that this cater the food wasn't so good and the decatur arrived late and everything the event started late so now you're concerned for your friend and you would like to protect them that they shouldn't get this caterer how do you do that that's very good if you instead of saying bad things about the caterer you can just advise them of a different caterer and they will trust you that's good then you shouldn't say anything bad so number one let's go through these conditions and see if they can be fulfilled number one has to be accurate information you have to know for sure that that this caterer is unreliable he comes late and that the food he serves is is not fresh for example you you you cannot say oh this caterer is no good he never comes on time his food is rotten that you cannot say you have to find out exactly what happened for example if he was 15 minutes late you have to say he was 15 minutes late because could be for the for your cousin it's gonna be fine he's gonna say ah I don't mind my guests are not gonna come for another two hours anyway so what can what is a problem for you might not be a problem for them or let's say your your your friend told you that the salad was he found some rotten lettuce in the salad so then you shouldn't say the the food is terrible the food Oh whole thing is rotten no just say that one time it happened that there was some rotten lettuce in the salad which means you cannot exaggerate you have to say exactly what happened yes well fish and Linnaeus azar two different things yes so that's not that's not Linnaeus and that's not fishy they are following their haladki and they're doing everything correctly so you cannot start like somebody wants I was at a table and somebody mentioned to another guy I don't trust oh you they're not good hasha because they they allow oh you oh you D so I said to him you can't say that because you claiming that they are not reliable and not reliable means they promise one thing and they don't deliver oh you promises they're gonna give you ud and they give you all you D so you cannot say they're not reliable you can just say my standards are not the same but you cannot say Lashon Hara about that kid so you have to be very careful just because you are Safari and you have a higher standard cannot say this texture is not good yeah so that's a sensitive topic because sometimes you tell them this is not kosher so then they say okay you know if something that says coach is not cultured so I might as well go and eat in a completely non kosher place and I know such cases where people dropped everything because the rules that were put upon them were so strict that they said I can't keep them anyway so why bother and spend money and effort and stress out if it's not going to be good enough for this particular rabbi or a group so you have to be careful if the people are not keeping culture anyway or barely then just leave them alone and encourage them say yes it's good it's good continue buying from there and eating there because you know the alternative is much worse but if you know somebody really is strict and he wants to keep higher standard and he's just not to wear so then you can inform them that this is according to this rabbi this halakha this passaic and we hold it differently so if possible if you can eat at a place unfortunately you cannot find those places and that's another problem by telling people this is not kosher you're causing them to starve and unless you have an alternative then don't say any anything because if they don't have alternative then they might eat worse than what you're telling them not and some said do you like this restaurant I said well every time I go there is so you can say I went there three times because if you say every time I go there sounds like you went there already ten times your whole life you've been going there for lunch and always this a problem you only went three times and maybe it was only in the summer or whatever that particular salad so don't order that salad and and go there and enjoy so you have to be specific and say only what you experienced so number one it has to be exact number two you should only say things that you feel that your friend will be upset about which means find out maybe he doesn't mind or maybe he's not gonna order let's say he doesn't eat greenery because he's Mokpo dong on checking bugs and so he's not gonna order it anyway so it's not a problem and other food was fine number two you cannot exaggerate on purpose so you you cannot make the skater look worse than he really is and if there is anything good about this skater you have to say also you cannot just say the bad you basically you have to give this caterer a fair chance yes [Music] yes yes you're so you're in such a case you you can tell them your experience don't tell them don't eat it it's shady it's now trust work just say don't get things there with that that well just because it happened once doesn't mean it's going to continue find out maybe tell them sometimes or you can say one time it happened they didn't have much gear and they continued staying open so say just make sure the Maggie who's there right right so that's also something you have to find out so again inform the person that you heard you didn't see it yourself you heard that the Machir wasn't there and that they should when they go there they should ask is much gear present and that they maybe they should speak to the maggia what kind of vegetables you're putting on were they check just warn them not to say that this is completely garbage but to only say the minimum what really happened so in going back to this case with the cater he you started speaking to your cousin and and you told him one thing that he came late and the cousin said okay that's it I don't want this caterer I'm not taking him so then you cannot continue in saying and and also their food is stale you cannot say more than necessary to fulfill your purpose and since the purpose was already fulfilled the your friend got the message and they not going with a cater you have to stop the next let's say it happened to you personally and you are upset at this caterer and now your intention in in revealing this information is to get back at the caterer to punish them so then you're not allowed to share this information even though it's true and even though you're concerned for your friend but because your intention is bad you're not allowed to do a sin in order to protect someone from financial loss or in order to teach someone a lesson which means you cannot do a mitzvah by doing a Nevada by doing a sin so in such a case you should either ask advice from a Roth what to do in such a case or ask another friend who maybe was there also but wasn't but was not as upset to go and to reveal the information but you yourself cannot do it if someone else who experienced it can say it without the the the bad feelings without the temper without taking revenge let them inform your friend yes to me who was and then she was into me who told you to send the picture I'm like I really don't want to say that I'm like it was so she goes oh that's nice so you're supposed to be quiet yes so yes yes we're gonna we're gonna learn about these laws just after this example so if you know that your friend is not gonna listen to you let's say it's their relative and they like him and they already signed the contract and your comments are not gonna change anything then you're also not allowed to speak anything negative why because if somebody is that's for a different reason if somebody is planning to buy an object or get into a partnership anyway and you cannot stop it at at least don't spoil their relationship for example if you know that your friend already bought something and they cannot return it so don't tell them oh you could have gotten it at a better price at this place or or I could have gotten you a better model because it's too late they already bought it they already paid that price all the only thing you can say is in it's a it's good it should serve you well but there is no purpose in informing them now that what they could have done because they cannot do it anymore so here also if they're taking this cater anyway don't spoil their fun at least let them enjoy and number two if something goes wrong after the the weddings they're going to come to the skater and say I know I shouldn't have used you Mike hasn't told me that you did the wedding for them and you spoiled it also and and then it's gonna create fight between them at that moment because now it's gonna be one on top of another not only those say ok they just made a mistake with me they're gonna say oh they're always like this they messed up more than once and then the caterer is going to be upset at you because then they're going to hear that you are the one who informed yes if there is a loss no but if they can just return to the object let's say they just bought it at a store and they didn't use it yet they can return it and buy cheaper then you're allowed to yes yes once the contract is signed and there is a commitment and then now the caterer is getting greedy and he's not looking for anyone to fill that slot now now it was a different we talked about they didn't sign the contract yet if there is any other way to accomplish this result like we mentioned if you can recommend them a different caterer you have to do that without mentioning anything bad about this one before the control you just know that they're looking into that hole or into that cater and you say oh you know I have a friend who has a business and they would they would appreciate if you give the business to them you convince them to find a different caterer and this way you avoid the whole issue and finally now coming to your point you have to evaluate what kind of damage will this Gator experience by you revealing this information if the site the contract is already signed and now he's gonna lose an event for that day and it's too close he cannot replace it so then maybe you cannot say anything maybe you can just advise in general say you know what sometimes it happens that some caterers are late maybe you should double-check call the caterer and and tell them to be on time or sometimes now summer time and sometimes the vegetables on afresh make sure call Decatur without telling that they have the problem just generally advising them to make sure the caterer is going to do a good job or if you're if you know that your friend once he hear something back he's gonna publicize it to the entire world then then you cannot say anything and even though he's gonna suffer but that's it that's his fault because he's not trustworthy to keep this information okay so this is this is one example of how to use these conditions in evaluating are you allowed to speak or not but this shows you how serious it is you cannot just start talking you cannot just say you know what I'll say it and then later I'll figure out if it was okay or not you have to first carefully sit down and analyze can I say or if it's too hard for you have to ask advice can I reveal such and such information and most of the time you're not going to be able to because not all of these conditions are going to be fulfilled yes well you have to use words that that are not so so strong don't say it's a ripoff it's terrible they just say what it is this was 40,000 you could find the college for cheaper yes but because because sometimes people don't mind paying more but if you tell them it's a ripoff they're gonna say it's not worth it and even if I have money and I can pay a hundred thousand I'm not even going to pay 40 because it's a ripoff so you make sure you you say the information that is exact and also don't add words that will paint a bad picture because sometimes you can say the same information but the the surrounding words are gonna make it much worse than it really is okay and you always have to keep in mind that just because you had bad experience and just because wasn't good for you it might be okay for them and you your your concern for the other person not not for yourself and therefore you think will that be a problem for him and if he can afford it if money is not the problem so don't talk about it let him feel good that he went to this college and he paid so much money and if if let's say it was hard for you but let's say he's more studious he it comes feel easier so also don't say anything oh it's a it's a very difficult school because maybe for him it's gonna be okay but if you now tell him it's difficult he's gonna become difficult for him okay now the hottest time in his book lists many many sins that person transgresses in addition to Lashon Hara and he lists 17 negative Commandments that could potentially be transgressed and 14 positive Commandments which means if person is constantly saying Lashon Hara he's not only trying to rest transgressing one but potentially he's transgressing 31 separate Commandments very often it's 10:15 sometimes if this one sometimes that one but overall it's possible to transgress 31 Commandments with your speech and in addition he says there are four curses four separate curses that the Torah says for person who speaks Lashon Hara so it's not worth it and you have to think twice okay I'm gonna protect this person okay I'm gonna teach this person a lesson to be better but is it worth it to take a risk of four curses and thirty one positive and negative Commandments being transgressed it's just not worth it so in most of the cases you should care for yourself and say I don't want to risk transgressing 31 sins for for something that is questionable unless you make sure that no no transgressions all the conditions were fulfilled and there's going to be a definite benefit this person will will for sure have an influence on the sinner or if I don't say it this person is gonna suffer harm and my saying will definitely protect him only in such cases you you can reveal this information and for sure just speaking to friends just gossiping just having fun that that for sure is out of the question now it is forbidden to speak Lashon Hara even if people are forcing you not only that even if your father is telling you you or your mother you have to tell me I'm your parent you have to tell me don't hide anything you cannot reveal it yes yes no no not even that don't don't don't even work yourself up just say he was a nice guy I don't think it's gonna work out that's it and even if your Abba is telling you reveal this information you're not allowed to say and not only that if they want to say something to you you cannot listen even if your parents want to tell you something you have to say no I cannot listen you never know they they they will find out either on purpose or just by chance they're gonna meet somebody and they're gonna say oh yes my son yes they went on a date and they say oh yes my daughter also fine fine but still don't take the risk because then they'll they'll find out and then they'll say to others or my dad my daughter went out and he didn't pick her up on time and this and that and the lettuce was rotten yes so if there is something if there is something that is not bad it's part but you just say I don't want it for example you say he's a pharmacist and I want a doctor something like that so they say okay it's just your opinion no you say I want someone learning or you say I want someone working something that's not bad just doesn't fit your criteria yet find find a reason that is not negative it just doesn't fit yes so in that such a case you can even invent a reason he likes dogs or whatever that that that it's not gonna work out he wants to live in in Dakota so you say it it's not for me yes yes so you don't say that either because when you say I'm not attracted to him it sounds that he is not handsome and and that is also a Shannara yes so that's why I don't say something that they can compare just say something objective that you cannot argue he's four feet five so that's it something that something if if you cannot avoid your your parents and you cannot think of anything that happened in your date that is part so then you have to invent something that is part for the sake of peace and for protecting someone you're allowed to change the truth and and therefore think already what can I say is an excuse that wouldn't make him look bad in their eyes but would allow me to get out of it okay next yes yeah so children is different you know children they don't have the tools they don't know what is forbidden what is not and for them you just have to give them compassion and and feel for them and let them know that you feel for them but then you have to educate them that that don't provoke make sure it's true you have to listen to the other side so that they know that you're not gonna just listen to them as soon as you finish listening to them you're gonna speak to the other sibling as well so then they're going to be more careful not to invent things okay SEC another rule is even if it's gonna cause you financial loss you're not allowed to say Lashon Hara and even if it's gonna cost you a job you're gonna lose your job your boss is telling you you have to tell me who did this or who said this you're still not allowed to because again for a negative commandment you have to be willing to give up all the money that you have not to transgress so you say let me ask ruff let's let's call right now and ask if I am allowed to that's if she's observant if she's not observed yeah yeah what it's very difficult it's very difficult so sometimes it's hard for people to to control themselves so you help them by saying let's ask someone else if in this situation I should reveal this yes where we have a rule that for a positive commandment you have to be willing to spend up to a third of your money not more than a third if you have to spend more than a third of your money you you're exempt from fulfilling that positive commandment for example if a person is poor and he doesn't have enough money and now he's thinking should I buy to fill in for myself or not and we're talking about he's he can't even borrow either he's gonna buy for himself and use it or he's not even gonna have to fill him so if he needs to spend more than a third of his assets he doesn't have to buy it he's pot or he's exempt but that's a for a positive commandment for a negative commandment there is no limit even if somebody comes to you and say says if you don't eat pork now I'm gonna close your bank account or take away your house you cannot eat so a job is similar someone comes to you and says if you don't tell me who did it I'm gonna fire you you cannot reveal you you can protect yourself but not every time in such a case you cannot do a nivara to protect yourself when it's permitted you're allowed to if they can afford it you don't have to do it if they can pay if not then you have to help but then it's coming from your master if you're a sadhaka whereas for your own Mitzvah for your own tefillin you use your own money and if it's more than a third of your money then you don't have to yes it depends what you say if you just say the information or unfortunately my hours are cut I'm going to work less that's fine that's nothing wrong with your boss no no your hours are diminished because they didn't need the business is not going well you cannot pay so you can just state the information but don't add oh it must be he doesn't like me must be he's bad if you add to it then that's not allowed there are some cases we're gonna learn about the way you cannot handle the pressure and you're about to break and you can vent and you can say just to let go over it and and and on unburden sometimes it's allowed but you cannot use it as a blank check to just say lashing out about everybody yes to make sure that someone else's yeah and so you have to say it it's probably not because of that you have to tell them even you believe it but you have to say it's probably he's not doing so well hmm okay the next rule is even if people are gonna think you're crazy you're still not allowed to speak another let's say you're in a company and all your friends are saying WOW Shannara about each other and they expecting you to participate and if you don't they're going to think you're crazy you're fanatic still you're not allowed to participate okay another rule about leshawna is that not only speech is forbidden but even writing a letter email text message what's up anything anything Facebook all that is forbidden any negative information and not only that not only direct statement but even a hint even with your eyes with your mouth with your tone of voice not allowed so you have to be in control if you're planning to say something even something positive but you have to also say it with a proper tone of voice intonation gestures without winking yes okay sometimes people say bad things about themselves and they include others and they think that since I'm talking about us that's permitted and that's still forbidden you're not allowed to say anything about others even if you include yourself in it if you want to say about something about yourself don't include anyone else and you're not even supposed to say bad things about yourself because you're also a human being you're also person after letter after letter Hakka mocha you have to love others like you love yourself which means you have to love yourself as well you have to try to create good image in in other people's eyes and you have to be concerned that you should look good in other people's eyes all strangers and especially in those that are close to you and especially in your spouse that your spouse should think that you are the best in everything so even if you have to change the truth you still have to do that and if you which means that let's say you come home and they ask you how was your day you have to say only good unless you need unless you need their support but otherwise if possible you have to say only positive so that they don't hustle and start thinking oh who did I marry yeah so this is true for both husband and wife and the same thing is for siblings for parents because you don't want your parents to feel bad for you unnecessarily if they can help you good but if they cannot help you why should they feel bad so make them feel that you are successful you take care of your own problems and let them be happy yes the rules are more lenient about non-jews but it's not good to get accustomed to it so if you start differentiating and you start saying about this yes about this no then very likely you're gonna start speaking bad about those that you're not allowed to so the best is not to speak badly about anybody yes yes so if you have a happy ending you tell them I had this challenge and I did this and I said this to myself and I and I performed well but Hashem so that's good if you're just complaining people don't like to hear complaints complaints and also that lowers their image of you and we work so hard to build our image to develop the respect in marriage the love in marriage and you don't bring it down on purpose it is but it's good because we say the outer awakens your inner which means the way you behave on the outside will have an effect on your inside and our sages say your your inside should always be like your outside which means just like you try to be nice in front of people that's how you should be inside as well you smile to them on the outside and you develop love to them you shouldn't say or since I hate them so then I'm gonna I'm gonna express it no the opposite be nice to them on the outside and then that will help you to become nice on the inside so if you have questions you're welcome and we're gonna stop for today [Music]