Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Laws of Proper Speech Part 3

[Music] okay today we're continuing with laws of la Senora and as always there are a lot of practical laws and as we said before it if you indeed laws I especially it's especially important because this is something we deal with every day every moment of our lives we communicate and we have to be aware whether this communication is permitted or not so the we mentioned last time that even if a person is going to suffer financial loss he's still not allowed to say anything anything negative about others and even if a person includes himself in the story and he says it happened to us it's still forbidden and and not only that you're not even allowed to speak Lashon Hara about yourself you're not allowed to degrade yourself you're not allowed to say negative things about yourself for for many reasons number one because this teaches others that such bad behavior can be done if you say for example that all my children did this and I overreacted and I was screaming at them so then you're teaching others that want children misbehavior supposed to scream you're you're showing them your example and they might follow it number two you're lowering yourself in their eyes and just like you're not allowed to lower anyone else in people's eyes you're not allowed to lower yourself in people's eyes okay now we're going to newhall Ahad and that is yes yeah that's that's that's good the one way you can say negative information is if you teach people a lesson from it and how you overcame and what they should do and you use it as an example don't do this because that's what's going to happen to you rather do that okay the more people that listen to a negative statement the greater the sin is because for every person that listens and believes your negative information they're more damaged is going to be done for the person who you're speaking about and the more people you are causing to stumble by listening and believing your words so not only the the speaker is punished for what he said but he is also punished for all the people that heard it afterwards and if you spoke to one person but then this person went and spoke to others so you were the source of so many people thinking negatively and potentially harming that individual and if you yourself are speaking to many people to a group of people and knowingly you're sharing this information to them then the the punishment is even greater because you know that right now you are degrading this person in front of this one and this one and this one and each one is a separate sin now there is a concept it's a difficult concept I'm not going to spend a lot of time on it because it's rarely applicable and it's often miss used and that is something that was spoken in front of three people under certain circumstances could be not Lashon Hara and I'm not going to go into it again because many people misinterpret it but what I will say is that if you said something that could be interpreted both positive and negative you said a certain statement that people use it sometimes for good and sometimes for bad and therefore we're not sure what did you mean did you mean to make fun of a person or you really were honest in praising him so then we say that if you spoke in front of three people then most likely you meant good but that's only if your intent was good and you didn't add any facial expression that would show that you're really making fun and you're willing to say this in front of the person that you're speaking about that shows that you're the meaning of your statement was positive but if you just said it to one person then we assumed that you meant it the bad way if your facial expression showed or if you said you know keep it quiet and you would not be willing to repeat it to the person himself then we assume you have bad intention but from here we'll learn we see that it's not only the the open Lashon Hara is forbidden but even something that could be interpreted as good and or as bad you should still stay away and that's why jokes are very dangerous because you might be just just enjoying the kind of someone's company and laughing at each other but but you never know how your words are going to be interpreted and main paper people are sensitive and they take your joke and they they hurt from it for for many days to come okay now there is something called a vodka Lashon Hara and this is what we just spoke about something that is not clearly Lashon Hara but it could potentially become that an example of it is hinting to existence of negative information you're not saying negative information but your talent the person that you know something that is negative about this person some are more explicit than others for example if somebody asks you about a certain person and you say I don't even want to tell you what he did so you didn't say what he did but in reality you spoke negatively about the person because you hinted that this person did something that is not good or you say let's not talk about him or her you may feel good yes look I didn't speak Lashon Hara I have oh avoided the sin but in reality you just spoke negatively about the person we have a general rule that in order to protect somebody or to avoid a sin you are allowed to change the truth and therefore if somebody asks you and this is something we have spoken before if somebody asks you about yourself even how was your day so you don't have to tell them my day was bad you told him it was fine and then go to different subjects so he housed such-and-such he's fine and then switched the conversation so by telling if somebody says how is he doing and you're saying I can't tell you it would be la Senora that's in itself not allowed yes so we said that that in order to protect somebody when there is a constructive purpose you're allowed to inform the person right to protect him from harm if you know he is about to do a business deal with somebody who is a crook so following the conditions for la Senora that you're honest you don't exaggerate you yourself witnessed it firsthand and you try to correct it any other way either by speaking to a person or by speaking somebody who can have influence on him and nothing worked and your intent is not to put him down but just to protect then then you can reveal information but only enough to distance him from the harm [Music] so number one you have to warn the person that you're about to discuss some negative information but you are doing it for constructive purpose because if he doesn't know and he says oh that's good I'm going to now hear some juicy information and they hear it with the wrong intent while you're allowed to say it they're not allowed to listen because they they don't know that you're saying it for constructive purpose so you have number one you have to tell them that what I'm about to tell you is for constructive purpose and then you have to be clear whether this is a fact or this is your feeling your interpretation for example if your child came home from school and said something that the teacher did in school you cannot comment to the principal and say this is what the teacher did in school because you were not there and whether you can trust your child or not is a big question children are known to misinterpret facts to exaggerate and to imagine things that never happened and so you have to come to the principal after you try to speak into your child and trying to work maybe the child's behavior needs improvement and nothing worked when maybe you contacted the teacher and she doesn't want to speak to you then maybe you can approach the principal and say I would like to discuss this teacher it's for constructive purpose I don't know this firsthand my child said it to me I don't know if it's true but this is what I heard and you say it with intention not to hurt the teacher but to improve the teacher the classroom the school and and then that would be permitted yes this is what I heard my child I don't know if he is lying or misinterpreting I just want to make you aware that this is how he understood things and I want to hear your part your side of the story okay and also it's important another part of evacuation are something that can lead to Lashon Hara is praising people when you praise people it's there's always possibility that somebody in the audience doesn't share your feelings maybe you had good experience with this person maybe they didn't and if you praise them people like to be honest and they're gonna say all I had a different experience with him so your praise can actually cause this person to be spoken badly about so even though you said he's a nice person then somebody might add and say yes but he did this to me so if you know that anybody in the audience doesn't like a certain person then you should not praise that person not only that you shouldn't even talk about that person because it's almost certain that the conversation is going to lead to their argument whatever that person doesn't like yes Thank You teacher the teacher another teacher like you now I'm thinking whatever one of the other moms didn't appreciate this yeah well that depends on the forum if they will express themselves they're most likely they're not gonna express themself but in a group of people of friends that are just talking somebody will feel free to just start talking badly about that that individual no no you have to make sure that the entire group either likes him or they don't know him and they want to know more information so you're praising them but if you know they they had some some problems between themselves don't mention the person at all well at a yes at a birthday party it's assumed that people are going to say good things about about the person yes so the another rule is that when you praise somebody don't praise them too much because if you praise too much it's more likely that people are not going to agree if you praise a little bit good but if you praise too much some people cannot handle it that sounds someone else should get more praise than them even without being an enemy you can create an enemy well you can we should try to make people think well as well but but right now what we're speaking about is that they will say something negative we are only humans we don't know what goes on in people's thoughts so I don't even know if somebody hates this person or not I only know by their behavior in by their speech I may be mistaken and somebody may be thinking if they're thinking bad things about him I don't know about it and if I praise this person they're not gonna say anything they're just gonna think badly and I again I'm not gonna know about it yes we're not supposed to increase people's bad feelings about their friends but but right now we're speaking about causing people say la Senora the exception to this rule is when the person you're speaking to about is a a well-known respectable righteous person what we call it sadiq or or Gadol hador where you can assume that most likely everybody in the audience loves this person and it's very unlikely that somebody's gonna hate him or even if they hate him that somebody is going to be expressive about it yes so right now we're speaking about them responding to you yeah that's okay and also it sometimes it's good for them to hear good opinions about the teacher because let's say they heard bad things from their children and now all of a sudden they hear from other parents that this teacher was good so now they will think twice about what their child says okay now we continue to the next Aloha and that is me when when a person that you knew for a long time went through changes and you like to speak about your youth and how you did things together if it's negative information about the person you're not allowed to say even though you may say all you know this rabbi I know when he was young and we used to do trouble together you're not allowed to say and even though you're including yourself and even though it's understandable he was a child or at that time he wasn't religious you're not allowed to mention it yes he would be embarrassed and he doesn't want other people to know how bad he was in the past and not only that sometimes people like to joke with each other and say oh remember when you were young what you did remember you used to not keep mitzvot so that's also something that's that you're not allowed to say yes yes when you see that the person is not embarrassed and really there is no reason to be embarrassed it's you should be proud that you grew you changed you you pass the test successfully you should you should not hide it from people and you should tell your children about that they're going to be proud of you and it's going to give them strength that in difficulty they will overcome because they know that my parents did it but if somebody is embarrassed of it you have to take their feelings into account you assume if you don't know you assume that people are embarrassed of their past misdeeds but if you see that the person is speaking about it and he is proud of it then you know that it's not embarrassing for him and then you can use him as an example yes so these laws apply to every case before you share negative information even if it's about your child and even if it's to your spouse you have to keep this in mind number one you have to witness it right if one of your children said what the other one did you have to express it I didn't see it this is what this said about that also your intention has to be not because of hatred has such a love for the child not because you want to punish him because he hurt you or your other child but because you concerned for his well-being for his development and when you speak to your spouse that's what you have to say I want to speak to you about this child for constructive purpose and I heard it myself I saw it myself I heard it from another child and you have to be specific no exaggeration this is what happened not adding any extra words to make it more dramatic and in such a case that would be permitted as a parent we assume that you do have your child's benefit in mind you're concerned for him and you're not doing it to hurt him and you you will measure your words and say only what needs to be said to address the issue yes the laws of Russia not apply to husband and wife as well yes of course of course things that the other one shouldn't hear because they will be hurt from it or they will hurt someone else because of it you're not allowed to say of course any-any we assume that any impersonal information that is being shared with you you're not allowed to pass it on unless a person gives you permission with anybody you're anybody even your friend your child your coworker tells you information personal information you're not free to pass it on even if it's not harmful even if it's not negative and especially if a person tells you please don't say to others you're not allowed to say to anyone unless unless it's something illegal they're doing something wrong and they trying to hide it and they don't people to know and they will continue doing it then if speaking to them and working with them doesn't help then you have to speak to someone else who has influence on them but just to share the information for no reason that's not allowed yes if person is going to be hurt by it then you're not supposed to yes if they specifically tell you not to well usually in such cases you as a parent have more tools to convince them that it's really a good thing and it's it's good when other people will hear and it's not scary there's nothing bad if other people will find out you you can teach them that you don't have to be so shy about your success and the the opposite you make people happy people are happy for you and they'll be inspired so you you don't just go against their word but you try to encourage them that they shouldn't be shy and embarrassed of it yes well to begin with if they telling you if they're telling you promise that you're not going to do anything about it so then the constructive purpose is lost because if you promise them that you're not gonna know you see you're trying to help the child and if in the in the process of helping him you are teaching them bad things then you're doing more damage than then good and so sometimes it's better to work around it to strengthen the child teach them how to react to such words or such behavior from other students or teachers or the teachers yes yes so if you you you cannot in a in a proper way deal with it let's say you feel the the teacher will mistreat your child or the teacher has too much power in school so you're afraid to approach the teacher so then the only thing you can do is give tools to your child to survive the year you tell them that it's sue as soon as it's the summer is coming next year going to have a different teacher we love you you're capable don't worry we don't believe what the teacher says about you you you'll give them strength personal strength and it happens and you're gonna survive you don't necessarily have to fight and change everything [Music] you have to be careful not to make it more ingrained in them and make them more convinced that what the interpretation of events is is what really happened you can say if someone would say this to me I would also be hurt or you can say another person in such situation would also feel like that but not necessarily telling them that that's what really happened exactly like that you tell them that if when somebody speaks to me like that I also don't feel good things that when he grows up he's gonna be embarrassed off then you showed him yeah okay now the next halakha if you have a group of people who are board members for example and they had a meeting and they decided certain things we're going to do provide this for the community we're not gonna provide this for the community now when they leave that meeting and now people want to know what decisions were made and who voted for such decisions are they allowed to say that all this good decision was mine and this bad decision was not mine no they are not allowed to reveal who whose idea it was and who voted for it because by saying that I was against it but I will the majority wanted it you're saying Lashon Hara about the rest of the members and even if people come and and complain how could who you how could have you done such a thing make such a rule for our community it's not a good rule even in such a case you cannot defend yourself by saying that it wasn't my choice it wasn't my decision just have to say this is the decision we made yes yeah even though you're not revealing who voted for still not allowed because what you're really saying is that I agree with you that it's a bad thing and they did something bad you just say we thought about it we spoke about it and we came to this decision you don't know everything you don't see everything but we considered all the options and that's what the conclusion that the group came to another very dangerous thing is after a lecture or class when people speak about the class it's very dangerous to give your opinion of what if you felt that it was not worth being there or if the speaker doesn't know what he's saying or the speaker is not reliable because most of the time every speaker and every class has something positive and just like in marriage there is only one husband and wife that are meant for each other and others are not gonna work as well so to between a teacher and the student some teachers work better with such students some teachers work better with such students some students like one kind of presentation and other other students like a different kind of presentation so by giving your opinion and say he doesn't know how to teach how do you know maybe the person you're speaking to maybe he liked it and he benefited and he would like to have this person as his teacher and by giving him this negative message now for the rest of their life they will not be able to learn from this person so you are hurting not only the speaker you're also hurting the student that they will not be able to gain anything from this lecture in the future so we should never say anything negative about speakers unless speaker set is made a mistake then you can say he said he was excellent speaker he he's good he said this and I heard differently so you can point out a mistake but you cannot make general statements about the speaker or his style of presentation and the next allaha we actually covered already and that is about confidentiality that not only if you are professional but even regular people if you speak even if they didn't tell you the secret you're not supposed to reveal it to others and if you do reveal information but they didn't ask you then there is no prohibition but it's just not a proper thing to do but if they tell you if they tell you don't don't reveal this then there is actually a prohibition to reveal the secret that you were asked not to reveal and also if you know that this information may cause damage then also there is a prohibition to reveal so in the case where there is no harm the person didn't ask you to keep a secret then you're not supposed to reveal the information but if you do it's not a sin okay there is a case where even if the person didn't tell you to keep a secret but the type of conversation that you had was a personal private conversation either he took your side and he spoke softly or these are two friends that has so close they share personal information then it's assumed that this information does not go out outside of the of these two people okay now the next set of rules is about judging person favorably in general there are three levels of people when we judge people and the halacha depends on which category this person fits in number one you have a righteous person somebody who most of the time does proper thing so then if we see them doing something questionable we're not sure how to interpret it then we have obligation to judge them favorably because we know that most of the time they do the right thing it's more likely that right now also even though we're not sure what they did and what they said what they meant by it but we assume that we just don't know the whole story and probably what happened was good and not only that even if it tilts more towards the negative and it looks more that what they did was wrong we still it's still proper for us to judge them favorably and therefore if we're speaking about a righteous person and we witness that he did something questionable or even more to the leaning towards a sin we're not allowed to speak about it and if we speak about it it's going to be Lashon Hara number one because most likely we misinterpreted the events since they have the track record of doing things right and number two even if they actually did the same we have a rule that a righteous person person who tries to be good he will do teshuva at the first opportunity and so by the time you have a chance to say to someone else probably they already did teshuvah they repented and they change themselves so now you are not allowed to say this anymore so either way either you misinterpret misinterpreted it and they really did something proper or even if they did do a sin they already fixed the mistake and they took upon themselves not to repeat it anymore the second category is what we call Ben Oni Ben Oni means average person which means a person who struggles and sometimes he chooses good sometimes he chooses not good an average person so such a person if it looks equal 50/50 or we're not sure what did he do what did he say what did he mean we are obligated to judge them favorably and we're not supposed to speak about them badly if however it tilts to the bad chances are that they really did mess up then it's a proper thing to judge them favorably but we're not obligated and therefore again we're not allowed to speak badly about them [Music]