Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Laws of Proper Speech Part 4

[Music] now the cough if time goes through various kinds of damage that can happen when you mention or hint that somebody is not smart somebody is not intelligent not wise not smart not quick for example he says it's possible that somebody who is a teacher and if you say he's not smart then he's gonna lose his job he may lose students clients if he's a rabbi he may lose his rabbinical position for example you say somebody is not so smart he may lose a shidou nobody will want to date not them and not their children has to show you even though this is only your opinion you think he's not as smart how do you know maybe you are expert in one area and you spoke to them about that area and they happen not to be expert in that maybe they know much more in other areas sometimes people ask a rabbi a question and the rabbi says I'm not sure what the answer to this is and they say oh that's it I'm never gonna ask this rabbinic more questions because obviously if he doesn't know this he must not know anything else and they're not aware that just like doctors and other specialists have area where they are experts in the rabbi's are the same thing some rabbis are expert in monetary laws some are in cash Road laws some are in Shabbat some are in the family law some are like a general doctor they know a little bit about everything so speaking negatively about a rabbi saying that he is not knowledgeable may cause him para NASA me cause all the students that could have benefited from him to lose this valuable resource what if you mentioned that the person is not strong or if he's not rich as people think so then again the people might not hire hire this person who you said he's not strong they might not again do-si-do with him or they might even fire him from their job if they find out he's not rich they're not gonna take him into a partnership they might not again do-si-do with him you see that that any negative you say about people can have devastating consequences not only for today not only for bad feelings but for years to come if they will not be able to get married to the right one or they'll have to wait many years because of those few words and sometimes the damage is not only to that particular person but to his family if he will not be able to provide his family with with para NASA his Shalom bite is gonna suffer his children are gonna suffer hasta Shalom it can affect one little word can affect even his children and grandchildren before we say before we say anything we should ask ourselves a couple questions number one do my words have the potential to cause harm to anybody whether it's a friendly conversation between two ladies or husband and wife over an employer and employee a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law do my words have the potential to cause harm to another person and another good indicator is to ask yourself will the person that I'm about to speak about feel embarrassed if he knew right now that I'm speaking about him this way put yourself in the in his shoes and say if I knew that my friend is speaking these words about me right now will I feel bad and will I want them to say it or not now often people ask are we allowed to speak la Senora about not religious people so last time we spoke about when we are allowed to judge someone unfavorably that if somebody is committed to a sin knowingly so then we're allowed to mention that this person does not observe that mitzvot but again the the reason for us speaking about about him is not to embarrass him if we want to embarrass somebody then we're never allowed to speak about even evil people the reason why we would be able to speak about someone who is doing every Road freely is only to warn others and to give them example to either not repeat this behavior or to stay away from this person or hopefully that people will speak to them and change and he will change his ways if somebody doesn't keep the entire Torah somebody he denies Torah denies Hashem knowingly then we we are we have more freedom to speak negatively about them but again the point is not to embarrass them the point is to show the falsehood of their beliefs and that their ways are bad there's a famous story in a Gomorrah that one Tana wanted to to pray to Hashem that certain regime in his in his neighborhood should die and his wife said to him why do you once you're praying why are you praying that they should die why don't you pray that they should do teshuva pray that they should stop doing sins and then automatically they will the the the regime that evildoers will not exist because they're gonna change their ways and he agreed and he prayed for them to do teshuva and that's what happened they did - sure so the only reason to speak negatively about it is not to put someone down not to destroy someone has a shallow but only to teach others or hopefully find a way to improve them so this is a good question we mentioned that if you see somebody eating on the street while walking this is not something that we should do right eating in public places is looked down upon number one a person should eat like a human being meaning sitting down in the private of his home in a car if eating in the car is better than eating and on the street if you can eat in the more politely you eat the better it is it is yes for example if you are in Manhattan and you're waiting for the bus and you're very hungry and you have some food in your knapsack your granola bar what should you do all right right so you you can either while you let's say while you're walking to the bus you just take out and you eat that's the worst the next one is maybe maybe stand somewhere on a corner or turn towards a wall that the last people see you and eat the next one maybe get to the bus stop maybe if there is a seat sit down and maybe keep your food in the bag and and eat or in the best maybe it would be don't even show the food break pieces of it in your bag and then just take and put it in your mouth without the less you show the better it is why because there is a difference between the way people eat and animals eat animals eat as they walk they jump they tear apart they pray and they just consume it showing their teeth and their the open mouth and the the blood is dripping so that is animalistic we try to eat in a more polite way with a plate with a blessing with preparation washing hands the more we can behave in a more human way the better it is and the same you can say about everything we do we see animals going to the bathroom on the street they're not embarrassed we don't do that so any behavior that is animalistic physical we try to do it in private whether it is eating sleeping going to the bathroom marital relations everything that is physical animalistic has to be done in private the more private the better it is sometimes you you have to eat in public like at a wedding or at a Bar Mitzvah or at a zoo - leash it in a stool or over here for breakfast that is okay because the the circumstances are such that you have no other way and the the purpose is good you you are participating in the Mitzvah like in a wedding or Bar Mitzvah or in a learning Torah like here but without a need if you have a porch or whether it's in the back of your house or in the front you can eat on the porch or you can eat in the house so if your porch is open and people passing by on the street can see you better not eat like that even though it's your own property if you have a fence or you turn around or you you put your food below the fence so that they don't see that's better if you are eating in a restaurant and it has windows so don't sit in front of the window and eat so that the buses and the cars and pacifies look at how you eat outside sitting if there is outside and inside try to sit inside the more Sun know where you are the more private you are the better it is you can barbecue outside but don't take it inside to eat yes so again if in every situation the more you can minimize the exposure to better again don't don't eat right they're standing by the barbecue take your plate go sit somewhere that's better yeah right right right so again again this is not the proper thing to do if you can minimize it better eat before drink before and come empty handed just with a pen and pencil with your business cards with a recorder let them eat but you don't have to eat in front of your paying mat for the food mostly yes so so take some food it on the side and then go in every situation try to minimize it you are at a reception at a wedding people also walk around so also either sit down or at least stand somewhere by the table in the corner eat quickly and then walk around and greet people [Music] if you try education wanted to do it or the child a little bit older yes stand in one place right right because we try not to do things that animals do the way they procreate the way they go to the bathroom the way they eat the way they sleep we try to do things in private personal things are to be done in private that shows that we are higher than the animals yes it's not about Jews it's about human beings and even if you are in the private of your home still you can either if you can choose behavior that is more polite you have to do it for example you have a cup and you have a teapot should you drink from the teapot or from a cup so you should drink from a cup what about if you have a bottle even a personal bottle like this and you have a cup if you don't have a cup and you're on the street and it's hot or you in the car you cannot have a car you need something close okay but if you are at home or we're in front of people and the there are cups and bottles should you drink from a bottle or from a cup so you should drink from a cup and all the things like that the the more you human you are the better it is yes so so coming back to this question of la Senora if you see somebody eating on a street and walking we say that if your words are not to embarrass somebody but to teach a lesson then you're allowed and again you don't say look how bad he is look his parents didn't teach him no you just say our sages teach us that we shouldn't eat because it looks inappropriate look look at this it doesn't look appropriate for a person to walk and eat yes yeah that's true for sure you should teach them without putting anyone in a bad situation if you see an animal munching while it's eating you can say look this is what animals do or we don't but at the same time it's a much stronger lesson when you can see it when you experience it firsthand when you see the behavior and yes it looks not appropriate yes so that's another question should you be running after your children to feed them ideally yes ideally they should eat at home but sometimes it happens the at home it's hard it's boring outside it's nice now Pleasant weather they'll have better appetite okay take it outside but keep it by you if they want let them come to you let them sit down and you eat you you feed them don't run after them especially I recently heard from Robert Victor Miller he says one of the worst thing that a mother can do is to beg her child to eat why because that teaches a child a lot of bad things and not one of the bad things that it teaches the child is not to appreciate his mother and not to appreciate her cooking and not to appreciate her care because then he feels like he is doing favor to his mother by eating her food and the more you stand on your knees and you beg and you you bribe your your child to eat the more he's gonna become spoiled and the more he's not gonna appreciate you and the more he's gonna feel that you owe to him that he ate your food and now you you owe him a nice dessert because he ate your food as opposed to him saying thank you for every bite you give him to appreciate that you toiled and you cooked and you slept and you earned and everything you did for him so so it's important that children should feel hunger because then they're gonna come to you and say I'm hungry and you're gonna give them food and they will appreciate they will say thank you and they're gonna grow up honoring you and remembering yes I was hungry and my mother fed me instead of my mother all the time ran after me and pursued me and and threatened me and that and instead of thanking you they're gonna despise you hostage shallow so that's another outcome of running with food after your children and it's important to teach your children that they should eat by the table like adults do if sometimes they it's hard for them to sit so okay let them leave play for a few minutes and come back the food shouldn't go with them to the play area you shouldn't run after them to the play area okay now hmm there are there are different categories of people who are not following the Torah there are some which was more common in the past who went to yeshiva they believe in God they know all the laws of the Torah but they choose to go against it they say I know we have to keep Shabbat but I want to do it against God and I want to break the law on purpose has the shallow so this is one category of people then there is another category of people where it's just ignorance people don't know what's right and what's wrong they don't know is there God or not of course if there is god they're going to respect him and and listen to him but we just don't know if there is one so such people are in completely different category and majority of people that were raised in a family that was not religious fall into this second category which means they are good people just they are ignorant and because they ignorant they do they make mistakes and therefore when we judge them we don't judge them we as we say what they do is wrong but not because they're bad because they never had opportunity to learn the new Shiva they never had opportunity to be raised in a religious family they never had opportunity to find out what is right and what is wrong so such people are considered to knock SHINee's Bharti knock means he there's still a child and they were captured while being a child into a society that practices other other laws and they were raised in that society so as far as Judaism is concerned there's still a child uneducated child and you cannot ask much of such people once I said a story here about about baal shem tov that once he asked hashem to please show him the pearl who honest Shabbat the most and he he saw a dream and in the dream he saw a man seemingly a non-jewish man who had gathered a party of friends non-jews and they were drinking and eating and having good time and in the dream he was told that this is the man who honest about the most they said how can it be so in the dream they told him that this man who is Jewish but when he was young the non-jews went through the village and they they they captured him and they brought him to a non-jewish place and he he grew up as a non Jew and the only thing he remembered about being Jewish is that at the end of the working week we celebrate one day a week we celebrate but he didn't know what it was and how you celebrate so he said this is the only memory of Judas moment I have so one day a week I'm going to collect money the whole week whatever I earn and I'm gonna call all my friends and I'm gonna buy all the good foods and drinks and we're gonna celebrate the whole day so because he did it with such devotion giving all of his resources to this Mitzvah it was considered as if he really kept Shabbat because that's what he really wanted to do and to his understanding he was doing the most so some sometimes you see a person who doesn't keep anything but that doesn't mean that you can think or speak negatively about them and sometimes it happens that these people are your own parents or your grandparents and question is how do you speak about them to your children you can't say all the grandpa or the grandma are up because in their eighth is there a shame you cannot say that because they're good people so again you have to explain to the child how did it come about that they became like that you have to explain that they lived in Russia and that the the bad government decreed that all should be closed and all the miko should be closed and all the synagogues should be closed and all the rabbi's were sent to Siberia or killed and they were forced to go to school and to work on Shabbat and slowly-slowly generation after generation they forgot and they didn't have opportunity to go to yeshiva and this way this way your children will respect the grandparents they'll treat them properly and the grandparents will then love you you and your children and they will be inspired and they will say if they treat me with so much respect must be Torah is good and they will open their mind and ears to actually listen to the lessons of the Torah and this is this is the reality that when somebody becomes religious people who are not religious automatically assume that you are going to become a better person you're going to become more polite person because they excuse themselves okay we're not polite because we're not religious okay we allow ourselves to be angry and nasty but if you become religious you have God in front of your eyes you understand that there is reward and Punishment of course you have to be nice and it's hard for them to understand how can the person become religious and still not be nice and thence is that we follow our habits even though we hear that was supposed to be good people giving people polite people but our habits our character takes over and unless we work hard on it we go back to our regular cells and once a grandmother called me and she said my my grandson learns in uu Shiva and when he comes home he disrespects me what kind of Shiva is what kind of rabbis that you you teach him to disrespect me so I asked her before your child went to yeshiva because she was an issue only maybe a year before that he was in public school before your grandchild was an achiever did he respect you and she said no he was even worse so I said so that means we didn't teach him it means you taught him means in your family he learned how to disrespect the parents and grandparents and we trying but it takes time but but nevertheless when people see religious people they automatically expect that you're going to be perfect but we on our side we know that we cannot expect people to be perfect without training without education and therefore when we see a non-religious person we cannot speak negatively about them again because it's not their fault if they were given the same care the same education as we it could be they would even be higher than we are if our grandparents were born here and we were born back in Russia it could be that the rose would be reversed so we cannot look down on them now we have another Mitzvah when we when we speak positively and this is called the halacha tobira have rather Allahabad Rahab means you should walk in his ways you we should emulate Hashem we say Hashem is good he is all good and he is giving his whole desire is to benefit people and the only times he punishes us is only for our own good which means even in the punishment we see his love soon we're gonna read them read about when the Jewish people asked for meat and they complained and Hashem said I'm gonna give you meat and you're gonna be punished through that so he sent them quail and they ate and whoever ate died but it says that when he sent them quail these birds were flying in large masses and they were flying elbow height its asks why were they flying elbow height and it says because Hashem didn't work didn't want Jewish people to work hard catching them they asked for me so he's giving them meat how he's giving all you have to do is just with your hand just go like this and the bird flies into your hand and it says so many birds flew that they each person had many piles of birds that they caught so even when giving the punishment Hashem is doing it with love not to give any any extra burden so we have to follow him and if we want to hurt somebody hustle Shalom if we want to speak negatively about somebody we should keep that in my wallet a big Rahab we have to walk in Hashem sways and only speak negatively and all hurt somebody if it's for their benefit of course only if they deserve and only if this is the only thing that's going to help them but in our mind we must have this attitude I love them I want to help them I want them to become a better person and I especially don't want anything happen to them that's more than necessary not in spite not as a revenge not out of anger but out of love and if it says that if you are not able to give rebuke out of love then you are not obligated to rebuke somebody which means if you see a friend sinning you have a mitzvah to rebuke them but you only have Mitzvah to rebuke them if you know how to do it if you're doing it out of love if you're doing it for their benefit if you're angry you don't have to just ignore it if you want to hurt them if you want to show it to them then you cannot do it and it even applies to your children if you see your child and that the older your children are going to get the more they act rebellious Lee and the more you feel that it's against you and the more you want to answer them and do more has assumed you want to hurt them if you cannot speak to your children with love inside your heart even if your message is harsh but it's it's spoken with love if you cannot then you don't have to rebuke them and even though it's your child who is not keeping them it's what has a shallow it's not your problem and even if it's your child who is hurting other children on the street it's not your problem because if you don't know how to speak to the child properly not to hurt them then it's not your responsibility because we say we cannot do a sin even if we want to do a mitzvah even if we want to stop someone else from sinning greatly we cannot do even a small sin we cannot even do a rabbinic prohibition if we want to stop somebody from doing a Torah prohibition and so in choosing our words we have to keep this lesson in mind am i emulating Hashem the halacha Tubbataha am i doing it out of care for this individual I really want them to succeed I really want them to become great I love them and I want to help them I want them to improve if not then you have no business of speaking about them then it is Lashon Hara then you are making fun of them then you are hasta Shalom making yourself look better at the expense of someone else so with this we stop today if you have any questions please and next week we're going to go more through practical aspects of Lashon Hara and how to do teshuva for Lashon Hara are you allowed to express negative opinion about someone by facial expression what if you are just joking and in the joke there's some something negative but you never meant it seriously you just said it as a joke what about writing glass Inara without speaking what about the following compliment I finally found a decent book your book is so much better than the one my neighbor wrote he probably will know who your neighbor is oh is it permissible to repeat a double meaning statement my friend is quite funny well this is called avec le Shannara something that may lead or may be interpreted as Lashon Hara because even though you may say positively that he has a good sense of humor but you may also mean that he's weird and whoever is listening they might interpret it that way and then your words will actually have that meaning even though that's not what you meant are you allowed to say about someone I don't even want to talk about him yeah that's that's that's that's an example of what not to say yeah so you can't say that so either you have to switch the topic right away or you say yes yes I I know his mother or I know his sister and then you switch the topic you say something neutral and then quickly steer away from there are you allowed to repeat information which is already well-known for the purpose of embarrassing the person okay hmm are you allowed to speak negatively about someone and include yourself in the lation era for example to say my sister and I are very lazy okay what about saying she is the only nice woman on my block can you speak lashana ryf you are at risk of losing your job right and what should you tell your child when his he talks negatively about his teacher yes yes yes for the they give an example over here you can say to your child you may not talk this way about your teacher if the teacher bothered you personally or if he did something you think was wrong and I can be of help then you may tell me however you must make sure that no other children or adults are present when you speak this is to open the door to a child that if really something is going on that's not good he should be open to speak to you but at the same time you remind him that he should have respect for adults in general and for teachers in particular and say it only if there is a chance that the situation can be helped if there is a a purpose for it if he just wants to complain and not necessarily that you should do anything about it then he shouldn't say to you or he shouldn't say to to his friends and usually that's what happens one friend one student just says something and then everybody else following his example assumes that he's right and now everything the teacher says or does they interpret negatively and then they make fun of the teacher to to the parents as well not because the teacher did anything to them but just because the kids speak like this or I'm speaking about this little at length a little bit more because it's a popular question that happens often in schools a lot of times children since they have good imagination they imagine things that didn't happen or they misinterpret the the Vence or they change the sequence often it happens they did something and the teacher reacted and they say the teacher did it and that's why I had to defend myself so so you cannot automatically believe a child but at the same time you keep the door open but you tell the child I will speak to the teacher to find out her version the the other side of the story this way the child will be more honest because he knows that his words are going to be checked out otherwise the child will just to protect themselves and to get the teacher into trouble they will say things that may not be true or I exaggerated or invent it yes [Music] something was said then my daughter comes to me she was hurt by what was said to her and she said Toto said this to me and I said well you know it's not nice whatever so you have to think like this if my daughter did something not nice would I appreciate if whoever's mother would come to me and complain about my daughter yeah so you have to first of all speak to your daughter that maybe she started or maybe she continued of course whenever you provoke somebody you don't know what their reaction is going to be and when the person is angry already you cannot judge them as much the one that started is much more at fault than the one that reacted even though the one who reacted should have reacted differently but we're not angels we're just trying to to be righteous but you cannot blame you know somebody for overreacting and therefore the first thing is to speak to your daughter that she shouldn't provoke such behavior and if possible if you can speak to that girl and make peace between them without even parents knowing yeah yeah because because most likely her parents already said this to their daughter they told her don't use such words don't call people names but it's hard to control yourself especially if somebody is teasing you so telling to this to the parent is not going to help because the parent already probably said a hundred times and saying it one more time is not going to change that it's just gonna make the parent hurt so again every situation is different but a lot of times you can solve it without speaking to the parent either train your daughter or meet with the both friends together and make peace between them okay just another few questions your mother asks you how is my grandson doing in school why can't you say I can't tell you yes yes why is it forbidden to praise someone excessively and when two people are enemies why shouldn't you why should you avoid mentioning the name of one to the other even the name yes yes why is it forbidden to announce publicly that someone was nice enough to lend you a large sum of money yeah maybe maybe they didn't give to someone else or maybe now people are gonna hear it and they're gonna go and ask them for a loan [Music]