Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Laws of Proper Speech Part 5

[Music] welcome to this the fifth class in a series of laws of leshawna a proper speech and as promised I'm gonna speak about some laws as well as tissue vah the process of fixing what you did so let's start with tissue violation hurrah as with any other sin the property chuva involves recognition that you did something wrong and regret for having done it number two we do which means admission to Hashem in words Hashem I did this and this I'm sorry and number three accepting upon yourself not to repeat this sin anymore to take upon yourself that now that I know they're not gonna do it again and since Lashon Hara is something that involves other people it's been Adam Lahav a row it's not enough to only ask forgiveness from Hashem but you also have to ask forgiveness from the person that you hurt has the shallow so that is Mithila you can you have to actually approach a person who asked for Mithila and this may sometimes be difficult because the person might not know that you spoke negatively about him if he knows so that's easy you just go and say yes you know I spoke about you I'm sorry please forgive me but what if he doesn't know now this is complicated and not always the answer is the same are you supposed to tell him that you spoke negatively or not and sometimes it's gonna cause more bad than good he's gonna be upset you're gonna get into a fight and if you're gonna get into a fight then you shouldn't but as much as you can you have to undo the effect of the Lashon Hara which means you have to find everyone that heard this information and convince them otherwise and convince them that what you said was a mistake you didn't mean it it was wrong information that really the person is good and that's what makes this a very particular difficult to fix because once we speak we are not in control where the words are gonna go now it so happens that the deaf yummy for today and tomorrow is speaking exactly about Lashon Hara and I would like to read for you just a little bit many things that that we're gonna read we mentioned already and this is main mainly the source of all the laws of motion are yes if possible if you know you heard somebody through yo Lashon RI you have to go and ask forgiveness from that person and it's not always possible but because it may create more animosity and in such a case you you don't have to admit because you're going to create an enemy but you do have to go to all the people that you spoke to and tell them that what you said is not true and that you're sorry and that the person is really good now it says like this first the remoter lists all the punishments that a person gets if he speaks la Senora and it's so again so happens that it's the weekly parsha that we read about the miracle een and that's what the Gomorrah starts with that the the the spies spoke negatively about the land and look at what punishment the Jewish people received yesterday we had this parsha partial slaw they spoke negatively about the Land of Israel and because of that they died right away and the entire generation 600,000 men 600,000 men died because of the Wassenaar they spoke and the Chimera says look at the power of Lashon Hara not only that who did this the questionnaire about the land about stones and the earth and still there is such a punishment imagine if you speak Lashon Hara about a human being flesh and blood who feels who is embarrassed who is hurt how much more there is punishment the Chimera also says that out of all the organs the the tongue is very special look you could say it's Hashem put it in a weakest position all the other organs in the human body are vertical except for the tongue which is horizontal and the tongue has two gates to protect it from coming out one is the teeth and one is the lips to show us how dangerous it is to give the tongue freedom and another difference is that all other organs in the human body have flesh as well as bones the tongue is the only one that has only muscle without bones and still even though the tongue is the weakest it's really the strongest and it can do the greatest harm or the greatest benefit through your tongue you can make friends you can heal people you can help people you can pray to ashame you can learn Torah you can teach others so much good you can do with your tongue the governor says : mr. privation Araki look a far bigger someone who speaks Lashon Hara it's as if he denies existence of Hashem and equals the PASOK asharam rulers show Nino not be a fatty no it anomia don't want a person who speaks it's as if he says my tongue my speech is stronger than God I will my speech will accomplish things that even God says I am not allowed and it says colonies appear Inara in the game Pamela says that leprosy or sera comes to president's fiscal genre now the Hamim say what about now now we don't have China so the Quran says that somebody who he has Surratt is considered like his dead and somebody who is poor is considered like he's dead so Hashem can replace one form of punishment with another he can replace leprosy with Serrat with being poor with poverty losing para NASA or hasta Shalom ultimately it can lead to early death and in fact the Gemara says someone who speaks Lashon Hara he really kills three people he kills himself he kills the one that he speaks to and he kills the one that he speaks about all three get hurt and rage like ish says that someone who speaks Russian era is comparable to a snake the only difference is the snake bites and kills you in this world but leshawna rod kills person even in Olam haba and it says any drawn libel Allah shown the one who speaks negatively will not have any benefit not in this world and not in the next and that is the source of saying that someone who speaks Russian arrived about the other all the ultimates world that he did go to him and although he wrote that the victim did go to the one that speaks Lashon Hara and it says the Gemara that Lashon Hara is compared to a weapon but unlike a stick that can only damage where your hand can reach and unlike a stone that you can throw but it can go only a limited distance Lashon Hara can go across the world as it says to Bashar mine p.m. all shown entirely by audits you can be in the sky and your tongue is going to reach the earth and the week' we can understand this right now you can be on an airplane and you can say or text Lashon Hara that's gonna go all the way to the ground it can go across the the whole globe in a few seconds now the camera yes yeah there are cases where you're permitted and even obligated to to speak about someone's negative behavior following the conditions but the main condition is that your intention is not to speak badly about them your intention is to help them you really care for them and you're not happy that you're saying these words you would rather not and you're doing it only for their benefit that's the main guideline if you're you are allowed to say or not now the camera says Matakana Tosh she'll miss a parade la Senora again at least 2 to 13 to 2 to 3 pages the Gemara speaks many many different punishments seriousness of this sin but then finally the camera asks what what can you do to fix it Matakana talk she'll miss Aprilia Shannara so it gives a few options intimate haha mooyah Abu Torah if you're able to learn Torah you should learn Torah this is besides doing teshuva besides accept him upon yourself not to do it anymore regret and asking forgiveness from the person and from Hashem but what can you do to fix the damage that was done so it says learn Torah why because just like you damaged your tongue with bad words now use your tongue to learn to say the words of Torah learn Torah transmitter I teach Torah say tehilim use your tongue positively shin amar how do we know the Torah is a medicine is a healing for someone who spoke loshon hora mera pehla shown it's high in what is the healing for tongue as high what is as high as high miss Torah Lashon is Lashon Hara and the Tree of Life is Torah why because the PASOK says it's hi I'm he the mahadji Kimba Torah is a tree of life for those that hold on to it and by the way learning Torah is remedy for many diseases spiritual as well as physical and many blemishes of a soul can be fixed by learning Torah yes yes we damaged our tools by misusing them right if you take a delicate instrument and you misuse it you damage it and then next time you want to produce a work of art the the result is gonna come out crooked because the instrument is damaged so too with our tongue that by using it only for proper words we keep it strong and our prayer will then carry its full meaning and power go straight to our Shem and our prayers will be answered someone who speaks negatively right away he puts a stamp on every word because now the the tongue is damaged his power of speech is impaired and all his words are stamped with negativity that's what removes the stamp but that doesn't remove the effect of the words yet fully for that if possible you learn Torah and now it says whatever person cannot learn Torah or what can he do additionally to learning Torah then it says yes filled out oh he should become humble because person who speaks Lashon Hara usually thinks higher of himself than others and the remedy for that is to gain another to gain humility now the Rebbe OC says someone who spoke Lashon Hara really there is no remedy the words came out they're going to be spread the damage is done it's going to continue from generation to generation you cannot fix it so what is the remedy for Lashon Hara he says before you come to speak Lashon Hara learn the laws of Lashon Hara and don't say Lashon Hara that's the only remedy for Lashon Hara don't start with it okay now let's continue with some laws of Russian era we said that if there is a constructive purpose you are allowed to speak negatively about the person for example in shadow him you have to be very knowledgeable in this area because some information you have to say for example if somebody wants to meet a boy or a girl and you know that they have a certain disease that will affect their ability to have a family either to have children or they have a mental issue that will not allow them to to have healthy communication with their spouse so the rule is that if their condition is such that a normal person would not want to be married to such a such a person then you are obligated to inform to inform the the other party for example if a woman or a man cannot have children and they want to get married so the other party has to know about it one of the reasons we get married is to have children and if you know that this boy or a girl cannot have children you are obligated to say it and if the person nevertheless wants for example they already have their own children or they're older and they themselves cannot have children so then it's fine but if they still are getting married with expectation to have children then you cannot hide this information and even though it is negative and even though it's against the wishes of the the person who wants to get married because he knows that if people find out that he cannot have children nobody is going to want to marry him or her but still this is the information that you have to say and similarly if if there is severe mental disability or other physical diseases but these questions cannot be decided on your own it depends on particular community depends on the age of both parties so such such a question has to be asked okay now next some statements our positive towards one individual but they may be negative towards another individual and depending who you're speaking to or about this information may turn negative or positive for example if you're speaking about a child and you praise in your view praise them for what kind of help they offer you at home that may be very good but if you offer the same praise about a girl that's about to get married that may be very little and that may be cutting her chances to get married because we expect more from some people and we expect less from others so you have to be very careful to find out what is the expectation of this person in the eyes of my audience and if the expectation if if their view of this person is very high then I should not tell them average things because they expect much more on the other hand it may backfire the opposite way if I'm speaking about somebody who people don't think so highly about and now all of a sudden I'm gonna praise them even if it's true but they're gonna be shocked and they're gonna say it cannot be and then they're gonna start saying negative information an example that that happens often is if someone asks the potential should do a girl asks a shocker how how much does this boy learn does he learn Torah and the shotgun may say yes he learns every day to three hours is this this is true a true statement he learns every day to 3 hours is this a positive statement or negative state so it depends if you're talking about a working person he works 9 to 8 he comes home 9 o'clock and afterwards he spends time with children and wife he goes to bed midrash 11 and she learns until 1:00 a.m. 2:00 a.m. and then he comes home and goes to sleep so that's very praiseworthy but what if you're talking about a boy who is an achiever full time and he's supposed to learn minimum 8 hours 8 10 12 14 hours a day and you say that he only learned to three hours so that's very negative so you before speaking you have to find out if this information really is negative or positive it's not across the board yes you think they're lying no your again you cannot hurt somebody they're gonna get married and there are many cases like this they get married and then and then he doesn't want to keep anything and she says you know what the shotgun assured me that he's gonna keep Shabbat afterwards and then the boy never said that and he never intended that and then for the rest of her life she's miserable and she is sinning because of him and because of the shotgun however if somebody asks you do they keep Shabbat and you know that they don't keep Shabbat according to your level but according to the level who is the person who is asking they keep the same Shabbat as as the person who is asking so then again for them you're answering on their level and if somebody who is asking all they do they're keeping Shabbat is that they do kaduche Friday night and they go to Shaheed Shabbat morning and that's it they don't know anything else so then the person you're speaking about you could say he keeps Shabbat yes but if they understanding of what Shabbat is is much higher then you cannot say that for example when I used to date my relatives used to call me and say oh we have a girl for you she's very religious and I didn't take them seriously why because religious for them is not what I'm looking for [Music] 101 things to know about duties sorry was but when my husband did call me and we had a conversation I was like yes yes you you were open-minded and you were willing to listen to try to read to buy a book but if a person is not and if they actually lying and they just want to get married and Bill and then they're going to show their true colors yes yes yes okay usually there is more than one contact between the potential person and the shot hon so they're gonna call again they're gonna ask and usually the shot can shoot and just match two phone numbers you should also check if one is the boy one is a girl you should also check that that's where they leave it yes they should also check if they match in the lifestyle and their outlook on life and future goals and and he should weed out and tell recommend that this is not for you so you don't have to worry about the future if they ask if they ask because sometimes people they're more favorable towards themselves and negative towards others they themselves might be doing the same thing but have excused why they're like that and if you hear that someone else is like that they're gonna say why not why aren't they any better so therefore you have to know who you're speaking to [Music] yes yes so number one you can if somebody asks you about experience about a certain person you have to be make sure you don't add any thing of your own subjectivity you don't say I didn't like him you say that whatever is is objective and only important things that you know that for them is going to be to to method if you dated somebody and someone else wants to date them now and they're asking your advice if you do if people don't know who you dated you shouldn't come in and advertise but if they know it's your friend they know you dated this person and now they want to date and they want information they want to decide so yes they have to understand that when they ask you and when you answer you also have to make sure you don't spoil their marriage because maybe this is for them and if it is for them you cannot say anything anything negative because maybe what didn't work out for you maybe it was your own fault or just just didn't match may work out for them maybe something they are looking for character trade you didn't like maybe that's exactly what they want so you have to give just general information behind the color of his here the age if there is something dangerous that you want to protect your friends from then for sure right right if there is more than one valve one culture value then then you cannot say that right if some people follow one philosophy of other people follow another philosophy but both philosophies fit them to mainstream Judaism you cannot say that we had different ideas what Judaism is it was sounds like I had the right and hear the wrong with Chicago you can be a little bit more open with shot condom you can be a little bit more open because hopefully they're professional and they they follow the rules of confidentiality and they're not going to give this information over in your name is especially and they will just keep the information for themselves to be able to assist this person more so with shots on him and with rabbis you can be more open but again if this is information that they don't need to know and it's not going to affect anything then you're not supposed to say it even to them okay next one more example that is also popular how much charity someone gives you can say oh this person give gave $10,000 charity last year right so sounds good sounds on average that was that's what all of us would give 10% from from our salary it would come to ten ten thousand dollars but sometimes this information may be very positive sometimes it may be very negative for example if a person earns let's say fifty thousand dollars a year and he gives ten thousand dollars charity so he's doing more than would be expected from him he's given twenty percent instead of ten percent however if you speaking about somebody who earns a million dollars a year and he gives only ten thousand dollars charity that's much below of what is expected from him we would expect him to give at least hundred thousand anywhere between a hundred thousand to five hundred thousand nine hundred thousand we would expect him to give and he's only given ten thousand so that would be very negative so you cannot say my friend he's very rich and she's so generous last year he gave ten thousand dollar charity that would be Lashon Hara if it's a one it's if it's one donation out of many okay but if you know information that he gave only this amount in the whole year that may be negative information we said that even if it's he's giving exactly 10% it still may be negative for a different reason because maybe then people will attack him with requests and he may be embarrassed to say no okay it is also forbidden to speak negatively about persons property and his objects and his merchandise whether you're speaking badly about his house his car the tree that grows in front of his yard or he's a business man that sells stuff and you speak badly about his services or his merchandise and even if you just hint to it for example a new store moved into your neighbor and you say finally we have we're gonna have good service or a new person came who does nails and you say finally somebody's who knows how to do nails and therefore the business people themselves when they advertise their own products they have to be hair careful not to denigrate not to put down the competition not to say nobody does such a good job as I I'm the best whenever you say I'm the best automatically you're saying that that the people that you know are not so good yeah the finest the best nobody does the good of a job as I all these they the borderless Canara and maybe they really are la Senora yes just because everyone does something does not give you the right so yes that tricks you you really think this is the best and and it's not even if it is true you're not allowed to say that and even if you're going to lose business you have to find a statement that's you can say one of the best or any other thing that looks positive but at the same time does not put down anyone else okay now we spoke about speak English on Iran and we mentioned briefly about listening to a Shannara and now I want to speak more about listening to our genre it is a total prohibition to accept which means to believe the words the negative information that you hear and it is also a negative prohibition to even listen to la Shannara now so to begin with if you realize that that your friend is about to say something negative you should stop them right away and what if you didn't have a chance to stop them they already spoke then it is your obligation not to believe what they say and you have to find a reason why they may be mistaken why the information is wrong they misinterpreted for example just this past week somebody sent a message on on whatsapp that a friend of theirs was walking on the street and in front of her she says was a religious man with a black hat Lee leaving a an elderly woman and she said this man spoke very negatively towards this nearest woman and this man was from certainly Shiva a famous sheiva that she knows so sounds very bad and sounds that really this man is bad and not only that sounds that every religious man that has a black hat is bad and sounds like that everyone who learned that yeshiva is bad imagine even if the information is true but in addition to speaking negatively about this person she spoke negatively about all the religious Jews and especially all the religious Jews that wear black hats and older and the entire yeshiva now what what what we found out later is that really this man was not from that yeshiva he was just walking next to the D Shiva so right away the entire yeshiva was painted in black for nothing and then we found out that really he wasn't wearing black hat but he was a type of man who could wear a black hat huh he wore white shirt and black pants so he's a a black hat type of guy and and this was information from the friend to this friend and now she's saying it over on a chat and everybody is listening to many people she may be doing it out of good heart to whatever she whoever she wants to protect but but look how how much damage can be done to thousands of people just because of one comment that is exaggerated and maybe shouldn't have been said at all and then if you think about it if people will hear what goes on behind closed doors in all our families what we may say to our siblings or to our parents or grandparents and they would publicize it look at what this person said to their mother or father or or sibling hasta Shalom and what curses occur came out of their mouth then we would all be embarrassed so just because you hear someone saying something doesn't mean you have to publicize because if we would publicize everything the world would not be able to survive everybody would be afraid to come out of their house because they would be so ashamed and embarrassed now if you are among people who speak Lashon Hara to each other they're not speaking to you in particular they're speaking just in a group so if you can stop them change the topic convince them that this is anuradha let's not speak about it you should do that if you cannot then you have to live to leave them you have to walk away now what if you were stuck you cannot walk away you are in the dentist chair and he's speaking to the to the nurse about the previous patient and you know who the previous patient is and they're telling you all the bad information what should you do we say that Hashem gave us fingers and on purpose they feel fit into your ears right so you you have to block your ears you have to feel bad that I have to be here and listen to Lashon Hara you have to show Hashem that I'm not enjoying this I don't want this I don't participate in this and you have to not believe it and you have to stay silent and not show any approval okay and the last thing just a practical case your your cousin that visits you tells you you know I saw your neighbor just now yelling at her husband she was treating him so disrespectfully what should you do yeah so to begin with you shouldn't listen to her if you were if you recognize that she's about to say something negative don't listen try to stop her and if she already said it don't believe her because if you believe her your neighbor's Worth is gonna be lowered in your eyes and this is not something you witnessed yourself and if you didn't witness yourself did it really happen on that what were the words how were they said wasn't in a joking way did she hear all the words maybe she misinterpreted the word maybe it was a positive word and she thought it was negative maybe he spoke in a different language and in that language it's a good word yes and yes you cannot believe but in the worst case that it really happened you have to say that yes we all have our moments and nobody is perfect and and so you you cannot nod to her you cannot smile to her you cannot wink to her because then you're going to be encouraging her to continue speaking and you're going to be showing her that you agree with her and that it really is true that probably this happens every day now they say that it really it is very difficult not to believe the information that your your you're given especially if it's your cousin your friend how can it be that they're lying and usually people are not aligned openly as we said they may be misinterpreting or exaggerating but still the half of time gives an advice think that the person that they're speaking about is your brother or your dear sister but someone that you love or your parent and imagine if they would say the same thing about them for example he says imagine someone comes to you and says you know we saw your brother taking something off the shelf in a store and living without pain would you say or which you should have called police such a terrible boy I knew him from his childhood or you're gonna try to find an excuse for him maybe he paid for it first and then he went maybe he bought something and it was broken so he returned it and he just picked up new item maybe he is the owner's son or he's the owner himself so - we have to try to treat everyone as our brothers and sisters and try to find excuses for them try to give them the benefit of the doubt find a reason to interpret it in a different way put in a different perspective and for sure you cannot act upon this information not only you cannot believe now you cannot treat them in any way differently than you did otherwise your smile has to be the same your hello has to be the same your favors to them have to be the same not in any way different because you heard negative information and not on top of that if you can you have to rebuke your cousin for saying such a thing okay you see something inappropriate you hear something inappropriate keep it to yourself don't spread it yes yes yes some some things depend on the intention right for you it may be positive someone else negative but we need to know what did the person mean did he say it in a as a praise for them look III admire them look where they were and now who they became but if he said that negatively then Bach Hashem he's lucky that you heard it and you interpreted it positively but his intention was negative and then whoever hears it would with the understanding his real intent he gets a sin for every person who hears yes yes so yes if it's your parent or someone that you respect then again you have to keep in your mind that I'm not believing it I will try to rebuke them or teach them in a nice way and I will try to speak positively about the person there if possible and my intent is that maybe let them vent so that they don't continue speaking negatively to others and you have to again keep in mind that in no way my relationship to that person change so there's that a shame if we have another class we'll cover more cases and more Wars if not acquire one of these books either that one this one or any one that you find any any book you find in a store and review it daily for the rest of your life Rosetta Shem will be spared from this scent and we should all use our tongue our speech for benefit of others and to inspire people and and gain mitzvoth possession [Music]