Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Marriage - Communication Skills Part 1

[Music] okay welcome everyone thank you for joining today we are learning about proper communication and even though this class is titled marriage communication the skills that we're going to learn are important in all your interpersonal relationships and to today's class is one of the most important classes that you will hear and therefore pay attention and take notes and try to practice what you learn this these lessons are extremely important and especially for a husband and a wife to know now we know that people get married they hope to have happy marriage shalom bite peace at home not too many people have an exact plan how they gonna do it some people say i'll just swing it my parents did it my brother my sister are doing it some are scared and they say i look around myself and majority of couples i see are not happy they're either divorced or if not they're not divorced yet they're unhappily married and they're scared how will i ever have a happy marriage if everyone around me is not happy and those that were courageous and got married they're saying this is hyped up this is not what i signed up for why is it that we don't have love and happiness in the relationship that i was dreaming about and uh one of the main reasons is because the couple don't have proper skills of communication and today we're going to address some of the most important skills to have and that the first one is how to express your needs how to express your desires how to say what you want to say without hurting the other spouse and without confusing the other spouse because a lot of times what happens is the wife says one thing and the husband hears a different thing and we'll explain why at other times the wife says why should i tell my husband what i need he if he loves me he should figure it out himself and that is a common mistake and the reason why it is a mistake is because we're not prophets and certainly your spouse your husband or your wife is not a prophet and not a prophetess we are not capitalists we don't know the future and we don't know what's in people's minds and certainly we don't know what's in their heart and if a wife wants something and she is expecting the husband to figure it out 10 times out of 10 she will be disappointed so you need to express your desires your feelings and your needs the question becomes how do i do it and of course many husbands say that their wives are nagging she doesn't let me live she nags and nags so for a wife it's a sign that she needs to learn how to communicate so that the husband listens and the same for a husband the husband might hear from uh lectures that you're not allowed to complain if the food is not salty not allowed to say if you don't like the taste not allowed to say so they're confused what am i allowed to say what am i supposed to say if i need something without hurting my wife's fragile feelings and either they keep quiet out of fear to hurt someone and that's not good because it adds up i want something and i'm not getting it and my spouse is doing things that i that annoy me and i cannot tell them or they go ahead and they express their feelings and their desires and needs but they do it in a way that puts down the other spouse the other spouse disrespects the other spouse annoys the other spouse so what is the proper way should i keep quiet no you have to express it but how can i express it if it's gonna hurt the most common description that husbands have about their wife is rabbi my wife is super sensitive my wife is special she's not like any other woman my wife is very special very sensitive and uh it's true their wife is sensitive but they're not alone every woman is sensitive sensitive compared to a man and therefore a man needs to know exactly what to say and what not to say and the same for a woman a woman might say i keep repeating myself to my husband and he is not budging as i heard from rabbi label lamb just recently he said one man came to him complaining my wife is is bothering me too much and he said what happened she said i'm sinning minding my own business grinding horseradish for the pesach stay there and my wife all of a sudden comes and complains hi when are you going to take down the sukkah and the husband can't understand why is she nagging me and the wife can't understand already half a year passed and he still didn't put down the sukkah and they're both confused how should i speak to this bum who doesn't understand or as one husband described his relationship he said i scream at my wife and i say why do you scream at your wife oh because i tell her softly once i tell her softly twice i see she doesn't understand this language so i start screaming instead of changing the approach instead of changing the words usually people raise the volume they think that their spouse has problem with their ears no if you say something nice if you say praise you will see that the ears work so why is it when i need something from them all of a sudden they go deaf and the answer is because we need to learn how to express our feelings now there's something called um double talk which means i say one thing but i really mean a different thing sometimes it's because i apply emotions that's called emotional language and when i apply emotions to a fact then what comes out is very far from the fact i want to tell the husband please buy bread on your way home from work by bread a simple request but what do i say i say i can never trust you what is this we never have bread in the house last time i sent you to buy potatoes and you bought cucumbers what kind of mother you have that she never taught you how to do shopping why i think we have to hire maid who is going to do shopping for us and the husband is confused what do you want from me just tell me what you want and she says you don't understand what i want i just told you what i want i want you to stop being unreliable rabbi i'm not sure if um you are on me for me i don't know if it's for everybody else [Music] i can't hear you yeah your sound got cut off let me know if you can if you cannot hear me you can hear again we missed we only we heard the part that you said that he said um what do you want from me yes very good so so the husband says what do you want from me and the wife says i want you to buy bread today and he says why didn't you just say it so this is called emotional language or some people call it temperamental language that means that if instead of describing facts and describing my needs i complain or i exaggerate or i remember the past and all these things are not helpful for example an example of temperamental language the wife tells her husband whenever we go to your parents i feel like i'm suffocating and the husband may ask his wife are you sure that it's hard for you to breathe that you don't have enough oxygen and she says no that's not what i meant what i meant is that i'm not comfortable there so this is called temperamental language which means you add your your emotion into the language and what comes out is false what comes out is exaggeration what comes out is that you are winding yourself up you're making yourself emotional you're making your husband emotional your husband's going to get upset and and he will not be able to listen to what bothers you but if instead you say rabbi not rabbi my dear husband when we go to your parents it bothers me when they start asking us when we're gonna have our baby we're already married for two and a half months and they're asking why i didn't give birth yet so then the husband will say you know what that's that's a good point i will tell my mother that it bothers me he's not gonna say it bothers my wife because then the mother is gonna hate the wife he's gonna say mom i don't feel comfortable when you put us on the spot and you tell us when we're gonna deliver the baby can you please not mention it just ask me privately just let's have a phone conversation every day and you ask is she having babies she have it and as soon as she's having baby i'm going to let you know so in this way in a respectful way the wife told the bothers her what she doesn't like and the husband was able to deal with it now the in simple words the idea is prevent the vicious cycle just give me a second i'm gonna check the connection the connection is good okay let's try again let me know if you cannot hear me um there sometimes happens a vicious cycle there is a hostile expression emotional expression the husband hears it he doesn't understand what the wife wants because she's not expressing it all he hears is that the wife is hostile that she is upset it could be she is tired it could be she's disappointed it could be she's not feeling well but he doesn't know that all he hears is that my wife doesn't like me and then he gets defensive and then he gets hostile himself and then he answers back why are you talking to me like this i don't deserve this i didn't do anything to you that you should talk to me like this i came from work tired and you're talking to me like this before welcoming me and he is hostile and then she gets upset even more and they start screaming at each other and tensions are rising imagine if when he came home she would just express it my dear husband i'm very tired can you do this can you do this i need to rest if i say something please understand that i'm tired or my dear husband i am disappointed because we don't have bread that's an amazing answer instead of saying you shouldn't say it but in case instead of saying why didn't you buy bread if you say instead my dear husband i'm disappointed that we don't have bread or you say i wanted to have bread but i see we don't have it and it's gonna be enough for him he is gonna say you know what i messed up i forgot he's going to apologize he said sorry it's my fault and he's going to say to himself you know i have such a nice wife she's such a strong woman instead of screaming at me she just said it in a nice way you know what i'm never gonna forget to buy bread anymore and he's gonna say just wait i'm gonna run to get bread interesting i'm surprised that you cannot hear but if it continues please please let me know you're fine i'm not sure why um i know some people are having an issue i think when you go turn on your computer when when you turn up um when you turn on zoom you have to allow you have to allow it to um like make sure your audio is to your computer so that you'll be able to hear the rabbi well i hear you fine okay okay good so i'm gonna continue so this is one way that the communication breaks down when one spouse is hostile disrespectful emotional the other spouse reacts in exactly the same way that's the nature of people like a mirror the way you treat them that's how they're gonna treat you you smile at them you're pleasant they will be pleasant towards you yes very good um there is another possibility if a person is hostile towards you you might become reserved and cold you might withdraw and what's gonna happen is imagine the same case the wife screams at the husband again you forgot what i told you and his husband said what did you tell me what did i forget again i can't rely on you the kids are going to go hungry they have nothing to take for us to school tomorrow and the husband says why what kind of wife i got oi what should i do i'm such a bad husband and he's quiet and he turns away and he's all to himself and now the wife sees that the husband is not reacting and she now misinterprets and she thinks he's ignoring her and she thinks that he's uh not taking the responsibility and now she's attacking him even more she gets upset what do you mean i told you i'm talking to you and you you're not responding why you disrespectful your father is like that your mother is like that and it escalates until either he runs out of the house or he cannot handle it anymore and then he blows up and starts a fight so we have to keep in mind the two dangers of miscommunication if instead of constructive communication there is hostile communication either it will escalate right away or there's going to be a withdrawal coldness and if you persist it might blow up in your face and the reason is because we cannot read hidden things you want something and you're upset and you have the right to be upset you were disappointed you were let down but you have to express that the the husband very often doesn't know what's going on or the wife doesn't know the husband comes home looks around and he's disappointed he takes his phone out and he's on his phone for the rest of the night and the wife has no idea what happened maybe he should have come and and and expressed to her you know i came hungry and i was hoping that there will be supper but there was no supper and i know you you probably were very busy you probably were not feeling well and uh i just want to let you know that i i was very hungry it's very hard for me very hard to come home and not eat right away so this way he's not blaming her he's not saying why didn't you prepare supper didn't you know that i worked so hard why was it so hard for you why couldn't you instead he's just expressing his feelings so this is uh lesson number one of proper communication is not to use the word you when you express your frustration just say how you feel don't put the blame on anyone so again the wife should say i was waiting at this time and when we were not ready i was stressed and i was worried and when you didn't come home i was worried she's not saying why didn't you come home on time why were you late she's just stating the fact when you didn't come home i felt worried i felt stressed and the husband the same way when he comes home and the food is not ready instead of saying where's the food why couldn't you prepare it he says i'm so hungry it's hard for me that's it that's it this is a very important skill that will prevent so many vicious cycles because if you don't start the vicious cycle the vicious cycle will not continue now one more idea that's very important to have when you speak to a person psychologists say you're not speaking to one individual rather you're speaking to at least two people what do i mean every one of us one time was a child and we used to have our childish behavior our childish understanding of the world and our childish characters as we grew up we try to change our behavior and we try to cover up our um character traits some of us were successful some of us were not when i speak to another human being i have to realize that within that person there is a child which means within that human being who behaves as adult who behaves normal there are some unsolved issues there are some hurts there are some past experiences which color his vision it could be positive or negative it could be he has developed certain allergies to certain words because of his childhood memories and if i press certain buttons he might be unexpectedly upset because it will remind him how his parents treated him or how his friends in school made fun of him and you might say i didn't say anything to to that person why are they overreacting and the answer is because there is another human being inside of them who is reacting that way and when you have a husband and a wife and each one of them has an adult and a child you have four people communicating sometimes this is the child talking and you might not like that childish talk why can't she talk normal why can't he just say what he needs why is he whining it might be the child listening and the child the emotional the sensitive child will not understand and will not be able to handle the the stress level so you have to be aware that within your spouse there is another personality and that you have to be ready to be surprised your wife and your husband will surprise you sometimes they will be too emotional sometimes they will be too tough sometimes too lenient and you don't understand where it's coming from that's not what i expected and the answer is they are re-leaving their past and they have accessed part of their past that causes them to behave this way so it makes matters more complicated and you have to be aware of it because if you come home expecting a straight conversation you will be disappointed i'm saying one thing and they're understanding it differently and they're telling me something that i understand what they're saying and they're telling me that i didn't understand them what's going on and the answer is because i think i think i'm talking to this person but that person is not there temporarily i'm talking to a different human being hiding behind the mask and they think they're talking to their friend on the friends level and really they're talking to the opposite gender wife can't understand why doesn't my husband understand i'm talking to him like i talk to my girlfriends and the husband can't understand i'm talking to her as i've always been talking to all my friends why doesn't she understand all my friends understand me she's the only one who has a problem and the answer is that all your friends are not your wife so what we learned from the first half of this lecture is that you have to figure out proper way of expressing your needs desires and um aspirations goals everything you need your your spouse needs to know otherwise he cannot deliver cannot expect them to figure it out and you have to do it in a in a respectful way in a sensitive way in a open way that's number one each person has to accept upon themselves to the best of their ability not to color their speech their communication with emotions it will only damage unless these emotions are positive you can add happiness excitement that's good but do not add stress do not add disappointed do not add anger to your communication it will confuse the spouse your spouse it will put them on the defensive and they will not be able to figure out what your intent is what your desire is what do you want from me make sure you state what you need what you want clearly respectfully without pointing fingers without blaming saying i need i want i felt like this i was hurt when this happened i was hurt i want this and the the proper time to express your desire is when the other party is willing to listen when they're not stressed when they're not tired when they're not hungry if you see that your spouse is tired angry stressed out hungry don't talk to them first take care of them but if they're in the good mood tell them openly what you want that's the first half of the lecture now moving on to the second part of the lecture and that is called hurt management and by the way by the way most of what i'm speaking to about today was is based on the work of rabbi kasim rabbi mental castle uh just to give him the credit for hashem he's a great rabbi who writes very clearly so the next part of this lecture is hurt management what to do if you did miscommunicate or your spouse miscommunicated to you or mistreated you and you have um hurt feelings so the torah tells us do not hate your brother in your heart bill vader don't hate your brother in your heart what does it mean the sages teach us that if somebody hurts you you're not allowed to hate them so what are you supposed to do you're supposed to tell them about it what it means don't hit your brother in your heart means you can hate him in his face you can come to him and say what you did hurt me when i experience this hurts me which means you have to give them a chance to apologize you have to give them a chance to defend themselves if you keep it in your heart and you hate them they might not even know that they hurt you they will not only be surprised that you're upset to them they will be upset at you why are you upset with me for nothing i didn't do anything to you and you say you didn't do anything to me if you only knew how much you heard me and he says yes i want to know how much i hurt you please let me know i want to make amends i want to fix the situation now rule number one is if you are hurt you cannot stay quiet just like we said if you need something you cannot stay quiet you have to express your needs so too you have to express your hurts why because hurt feelings accumulate and if not dealt with the the they will pile up and eventually the relationship will suffer because you cannot always be on your best behavior you cannot always pretend that i'm i'm so happy with you one day you're going to be tired or stressed and you will not be able to take it anymore and you're going to express it to your spouse but it's going to be not a good expression because if you say it when you are overwhelmed you will let him have it for not only what just happened but for what happened a year ago what happened five years ago or what happened during your engagement and what his grandfather did to your grandfather 55 years ago so make sure you don't collect hurt feelings and again we we mentioned briefly how to express your feelings you don't blame but rather you say how you feel or how you felt when something happened that's one aspect of it the second aspect of it is let's say you are the one that hurt your spouse and your spouse is expressing their feelings to you and they're saying whether they are saying it properly when this happened i was hurt how do you apologize or whether they're expressing it improperly and they're blaming you nevertheless just because they're doing something wrong does not give you permission to do wrong back to them even if your spouse did not learn from this lecture and they're blaming you and you feel that their blame is not true it wasn't your fault or maybe it was your fault but you didn't deserve such a such a harsh rebuke you have to find right words to express your apology yes maybe you did something wrong maybe you were not so sensitive maybe you forgot maybe you were not responsible maybe you were hurtful on purpose and now you regret how do you apologize properly it's very difficult both to express your feelings of hurt and it's even more difficult to apologize it's difficult to express your hurt because you feel vulnerable if i tell him that when he said it i got hurt he might use it against me he might make fun of me that i'm sensitive or next time he wants to hurt me he'll know exactly how to hurt me and therefore i feel vulnerable and i don't want to share my hurt feelings and it's difficult to ask for forgiveness because that requires a lot of humility that requires us to understand that our marriage is more important for us than our ego and our desire to be right and so both the victim and the abuser the temporary abuser have to be willing to do something that they don't want to do the victim has to remove the fear from themselves and say the benefit i'll get from re revealing expressing my hurt is is greater than the risk i'm taking of becoming more vulnerable and the person who wants to apologize has to say the benefit that i will get from apologizing the positive relationship that it will create the shalom by the happiness in marriage that for for the next decades that i will experience because i admitted my mistake and i apologize is worth much more to me than the immediate gratification of winning an argument or of or the the discomfort of admitting my my um mistake a person has to realize that often the hard thing that we don't want to do is the the best thing for us and it's worth all the discomfort and uh all the pain that we have to go through it's it's it's worth um and it's it's a great achievement of self-control and development of your character so whether your problem is expressing your needs you have to overcome that challenge and say it and not be afraid that maybe your desires will not be fulfilled there's greater chance they will be fulfilled if you express them or whether you want to express your hurt feelings and you don't want to appear vulnerable you have to overcome those feelings and express your hurt feelings because only then they can be worked on and only then you will remove hatred for your spouse from your heart only then you will give opportunity to your spouse to make amends to apologize to become better and if you overcome your temptation not to apologize not to admit and you you do ask for forgiveness you are strong you will have greater respect of your spouse and you will have better marriage so how do we do that how to express your desires we spoke about how to express your hurt feelings we spoke about the main way is to do it respectfully and not to point fingers not to say you did it why did you do it but rather how i felt when this happened now let's speak about how do you apologize we we have a an experience apologizing because as as jews we have a relationship with hashem and our relationship with hashem is very similar to the relationship of husband and wife we sometimes makes make mistakes we have to talk to each other and when we make mistakes we have to ask for forgiveness and yes we ask hashem for what we need we express our worries to him and sometimes hashem is not an a nagging spouse who is blaming us but he reminds us rosh hashanah is coming yom kippur is coming it's time to do teshuva time to make amends and we are voluntarily inspired to approach hashem and apologize so how do we do that and from the way we apologize from hashem to hashem that is exactly the same way we should apologize to our spouse so how's it done first of all you have to admit what you did um wrong that's the first step of tissue that's called confession so if your spouse is upset it doesn't help to say i'm sorry first you have to admit to yourself and to your spouse yes i realize that i did this and this and it hurt you that's step number one you have to express your knowledge of your action and how it affected your spouse that's number one admission number two [Music] regret that's the second step of the show if you really did hurt your spouse after admission an expression of how you understand that they got hurt there has to be regret you have to say the next step and that is either i am sorry that i did it or if you feel that you didn't do anything wrong you still need to have the admission because the the spouse got hurt so you have to say i did this and this and i understand how it hurt you but and it's actually better not to use the word but it's better to say and i also want to to tell you that really that's not what i meant yes i said it and i know it hurt you i want to tell you that this is not what i meant what i meant was this and this or what i wanted to do was this and this and by mistake this happened i did not mean it so if you feel that you're not guilty you still have to acknowledge the hurt i understand that it you got hurt and possibly you got hurt because i said this or i said that and i want to let you know that i did not mean that i may have used these words and it was wrong of me to use those words but that's not what i meant or yes i said it but i said it by mistake i used a wrong word so the beauty of uh of this process is that it allows you not only to apologize but it also allows you to give explanation and when the other spouse hears that you understand that they are hurt you're not jumping to explanations first you're expressing that they are hurt first and then when they are calm that yes i see my husband or my wife understands that i got hurt now i'm willing to listen to the explanation and then the explanation can be i didn't mean it i didn't do it on purpose it was a mistake or that's not what i meant or i didn't do it it fell by itself it went by itself it broke by itself so it gives you a chance to explain but let's say you do find your fault so you say i understand i did this and this and it hurt you and i regret it that's the regret that's very important i regret i feel bad that i hurt you i didn't want to hurt you that's the second step the step of regret very important and the third step of teshuva is acceptance for future to accept upon ourselves that we're not going to repeat this negative behavior again so between us and our spouse we have to say the same thing i realized i did this and this and it hurt you i feel bad about it i regret it i shouldn't have done it and i accept upon myself not to do it again or from now on i learned my lesson i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna do it anymore or i'm gonna be more sensitive or i will take a course on communication or i will ask the rabbi how to treat you better i will ask the rabbi how to be a better husband or a better wife so you have to take upon yourself not to do this in the future and also you have to give concrete steps how you're going to make that happen it's not enough just to say oh i promise i'm never going to do it again what did you do to change it next time you're in the same situation how you're going to behave differently do you have a plan and the the the you have to be realistic nothing is going to change unless you made a plan to behave differently unless you found another way to behave unless you learned took a course asked advice changed things around changed your schedule otherwise don't expect change if you didn't change anything so again three steps in proper apology is acknowledgement of your behavior and the hurt that it caused regret and either explanation that you didn't mean it or it was a mistake and accepting upon yourself not to do it again and expressing a plan of what you are planning you are going to change that this shouldn't repeat again now what should the other spouse do if you are being asked for an apology if your spouse is asking you for forgiveness of course you shouldn't be stubborn just like hashem forgives us as soon as we ask for forgiveness so to we should forgive anybody who shows even a little bit of sincerity and uh that's the the benefit of using this system because if you express your understanding of your improper behavior and how you hurt the person you express your regret and you take upon yourself not to do this again and you show how you're gonna go about it that will be very convincing and uh your spouse will believe you so if you are approached and you are asked for forgiveness you have to be soft and you have to give them another chance you have to show them that you trust them don't say oh you're just saying it because who knows maybe maybe they meant it if you tell them thank you very much i appreciate it i i trust that you will be able to do what you took upon yourself when you show them your trust when you show them your forgiveness you show them that you are willing to give it another chance they will use that chance and they will try not to let you down but if you tell them i know you already you just saying you always the same you're gonna go right back to that your your bad behavior then you are draining them from all strength instead of giving them encouragement and the power to change you are canceling them out so that's the that's the um respon the proper response for a spouse who was hurt but was asked for apology to give the apology and to show your trust that the person will be better now on our own part if we are hurt if our spouse says something nasty to us if our spouse is not responsible if our spouse is disrespectful what should we do yes we expressed our hurts we expressed our needs but is there anything else that we can do to make it better yes the torah tells us that we have a commandment to judge our fellow favorably that means that if somebody miss treats us first thing we have to do is instead of saying he mistreated me we have to say let me look at it i feel mistreated by this person did he really mean it and we have to give uh the benefit of the doubt to the person who have to say maybe that's not what he said maybe i heard it wrong maybe he meant different thing i heard it right but maybe he meant a different thing by those words maybe the way he uses that expression is different than the way i use it maybe he made a mistake maybe he got confused maybe he didn't understand me and he got upset maybe i have to express to him what i said and then maybe he'll realize that i didn't mean it and then he's not going to be upset maybe he was stressed out maybe he wasn't himself maybe he was tired or hungry and we have to be sure that he did not want to hurt me because if you ask 100 husbands or 100 wives after their spouse just got hurt you go to the the let's call him the abuser you go to the abuser and you say you know that your spouse just got hurt most likely they will say yes i know and i feel bad about it if i can go back i would not say or do the same thing 99 times out of a hundred the abuser and i'm not talking about a real abuser i'm just using this term the one that temporarily just now uh mistreated you 99 times out of 100 they regret what they just did if you ask them do you know you heard them they will say yes and i feel bad about it and you ask them did you want to hurt them they would say no i didn't want to hurt them 99 times out of a hundred the spouse will say i did not want to hurt my spouse i didn't mean what i said i couldn't control myself but but i regret it and we have to remind ourselves when we are being hurt by our spouse we have to tell ourselves must be my spouse is stressed out must be my spouse is overwhelmed i will assume that they regret what they did already i will assume they didn't want to hurt me and then you approach your spouse and you say you know i got hurt did you really want to hurt me did you mean what you said then you're giving your spouse a a an opening a way to admit and say you're right i'm sorry that i hurt you i didn't mean it it was a mistake so the way to diminish your hurt to begin with is to say let me give my spouse the benefit of the doubt number one maybe i misinterpreted the events because this is my impression i saw this i said this they said this and i think this means that maybe they viewed it differently number two maybe they were not themselves again 99 of 99 times out of a hundred the person doesn't want to hurt you we're not talking about gangsters we're not talking about bad people after all this is the person you love this is the person you got married to they're good person 99 times out of 100 if not the whole hundred the person does not want to hurt you and by giving them the benefit of the doubt you're actually seeking truth it's not denial denial is if you if you're unfortunately unlucky to be married to them that one percent then you better admit and run away but majority of us are good people majority of us want to make our spouse happy we have certain downsides we have bad habits bad character traits but we don't want to hurt anybody and therefore it's actually the truth that your spouse didn't want to hurt you your spouse wanted to take care of you they just made a mistake or maybe you misinterpreted it so again we have to remember that there is the the e there is such a thing as miscommunication yes we speak different languages men and women every human being speaks differently and and whether it's immaturity whether this selfishness but whatever it is deep inside we don't want to hurt anybody yes i may i may be selfish but i'm not bad i may be selfish but i don't want to hurt you and so maybe my selfishness hurt you but i didn't mean it and i will try to work on it i would never do something intentional to hurt you because i love you so today we learned some important important ideas about the need to communicate your needs and desires we learned about how to do it properly we learned about how to express your hurt feelings we learned about not gathering your feelings but letting the other person know them in order to give them a chance to explain themselves a chance to apologize and we learned about how to apologize properly and we also learned about how to interpret the behavior of your spouse in order to give them the benefit of the doubt now in um in the future in our future classes we will speak about conflict management what to do if there is a disagreement what to do if there is a fight and so on is that hashem now i want to uh express thanks to our sponsor this lecture was dedicated in memory of cheney but josef benfrejo thank you to our sponsors if anybody wants to sponsor other emmett lectures you can speak to rabbi nisimushev thank you everyone for for joining if you have any questions you can now unmute yourself and uh and ask we i'm gonna give couple minutes for questions or you can write your question in the chat and i will try to address them rabbi you want to let me unmute everybody okay so if anyone has any questions you could unmute yourself and ask the questions um should i turn off facebook live so if anyone has questions they could ask easily or you could have your screens off and um i'll just have your name if that's if you're okay with it or if you want you could message rabbi and i am we could ask a question not sure if anybody has any questions oh okay so i'm getting a question so is it expected that when a husband comes home to feed himself and make sure he's emotionally stable and not hungry yes i'm sorry so um it's it's a good question you know sometimes sometimes people come home and they're really hungry and there's nothing in their stump sometimes we come home and instinctively we feel hungry why because we develop this uh uh habit that as i'm approaching my home my memories uh come to me of delicious food that's that's waiting for me my body is ready that i eat at a certain time and my my stomach juices start to flow and i feel extremely hungry when i'm going towards my house i may have food in my stomach but i will still be hungry even though i ate recently so everyone should expect that when when my spouse is coming home they will probably be hungry whether they're really hungry or they just feel hungry they will need some time to to relax to sit down to have a snack if not a full meal so yes it's proper to expect that if a guest or a spouse comes to um it comes home they are hungry now we can do something to prevent it in ourselves if i know that when i come home i am hungry and that may cause a problem i should take a little snack before i come home for example it's good to keep snacks in your car or in your purse or in your backpack have a little bag of nuts have few candies have a pack of cookies and before you come home just take a few nuts into your mouth take a candy take a cookie and then go to go inside the house this way you'll you'll have patience to wait for another five ten minutes to deal with children running around to deal with the supper not being ready or not cooking at all and you'll have the time to to prepare the supper yourself um this is called prevention so again if you need if you if you would like to sponsor future lectures speak to rabbi nissa mushaim if you need his number you can ask sarah they can message me rabbi i just put my number in there i'm gonna send the recording as well you