Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Marriage - Communication Skills Part 2

[Music] good evening thank you for joining us again this is uh the second part in our marriage communication series hopefully next month in january we're going to have a third part and [Music] really i was thinking when we come to a lecture we hope to hear profound insights advice that will make our marriage better in reality even if the speaker doesn't say anything new even if he just tells you stories and no tools it's still worth it just the fact that you took time out to work on your marriage just the fact that you are thinking how to improve your marriage that already will bear fruit whether you're watching this with your spouse or alone you will benefit from it just by spending an hour thinking about how how to improve your marriage but on top of that today you will hear some important ideas how to argue correctly and how to de-escalate conflicts and just to review rabbi i think you went to mute um we can't hear you and we spoke about rabbi rabbi we lost you for about a minute we didn't hear anything you said in the last minute i'm so sorry can you repeat that yes so last week last time we met we spoke about the fact that every person comes into a marriage with baggage in behind every face there is a child that carries with it all the emotions and memories from the childhood and when we're speaking to the person with expecting him to react like an adult but we have to remember that what we may mean by our words is not how that person interprets it because they had different childhood and besides that there may be certain parts of their character that did not mature the same way as others and so we have to be mindful that sometimes the reaction to our communication is going to be different than what we expected because there is a different person that we are not thinking about we spoke about the importance of expressing your desires and not forcing the other spouse to guess and predict what you wanted and thereby avoiding um failed needs that are not met lowering your expectations is one way but expressing your expectations is another way we spoke about pain management how not to gather assemble hurt but to express it and resolve it and we spoke about how to forgive and most importantly we spoke about how to ask for forgiveness and today we are going to speak about conflict management and next week we're going to next time we're going to speak about the the next level in marriage whereas now we're speaking about how to create peace at home next week we're going to speak about how to build your marriage how to create happiness satisfaction in marriage so every couple fights in their marriage and the the the the the problem that happens when people get married is that when they get married they think that things will go smoothly they think that they are perfect for each other and make no mistake they are for each other but they are not perfect for each other until they work on themselves until they work on their marriage only when they will change themselves only when they will improve themselves they will polish the rough edges then towards the middle or end of their marriage they will be perfect for each other but when two people get married they're not perfect for each other but they are for each other and sometimes after a month or two of marriage a spouse will contact me and say rabbi i made a mistake i thought that we are for each other now i see we're not because they thought that they will not have any conflicts they will agree they will only say yes my dear yes my darling and by the way that's what you should always say to each other yes my dear yes my darling but they expect that there will be no disagreements no conflict no fighting and that is unrealistic you can try to live a billion years and try to get married to every human being on earth and you will see that a billion times out of a billion you will have disagreements you will have arguments and you will have conflict so what what what do some people say must be marriage is not for me i tried it unfortunately either i got divorced or i'm not happily married and therefore i must say that marriage is not something for me and in reality marriage is for everyone the only the only thing is you have to come with proper expectations the expectation is that there will be a conflict the expectation is that marriage will not be perfect from the beginning i will have to work on myself i will have to work on the marriage and only then only then the the the the marriage can be happy it can have a happy ending so number one realize that if you're experiencing conflict if you're experiencing disagreements and fights that is perfectly normal a hundred percent of marriages have disagreements and fights in one of our classes i said that it's actually a good thing for a couple to argue in front of their children if they know how to resolve their conflict peacefully if they don't know and it's going to escalate into screaming and and hurtful words put downs and possibly even physical fights then it's better not to do it in front of their children so fighting in a dirty way is damaging to the marriage and it's damaging to the children but fighting in a kosher way in a clean way is healthy for the marriage that's part of a healthy marriage and it's good for children to observe this way they will they will see that it's okay to express your opinion it's okay to listen to someone else's opinion it's okay to give in and they will grow up a more into more mature adults so practice fighting alone not with your children there but once you see that you're successful in controlling your anger you can safely fight in front of your children okay now one of the examples that i want to give at the beginning of what happens when a couple fights is the following the mother usually is going to say oh i'm worried about our son or daughter they're graduating from let's say elementary school they have to go to high school next year and we didn't pick the high school for them yet time is flying and i don't know what high school they're gonna go to they express the concern what will the other spouse say usually the husband they can react in one of two ways one positive one negative let's first look at the negative way the husband might say as a response to his wife's concern ah don't worry we still have time i'm i'm i'm busy right now leave me alone or you always worry too much don't make a big deal out of it so this is a negative way of answering your spouse's concern why because not involved in the family you don't care about your child or that you are not paying attention to what they're saying you're not listening to their concern they're expressing their pain their stress and you dismissing it what is the the positive way of answering this concern yes i i i hear you i agree that it's an important decision yes we really have to speak about it now if it's good a good time for you to speak so speak right then and there but usually the times don't match when one spouse wants to speak about something important the other spouse is involved in some other activity either in relaxation or entertainment or worrying about their own problems so if it's not the proper time for you to speak about whatever the spouse is offering what you can say is my dear i agree it's a very important topic yes we really have to worry about it we have to think about it and we have to figure it out but right now i am tired let's make a time to speak about it this week or right now i'm busy with a project right now i don't have a headspace or i'm emotionally drained let's find a time and set a time tomorrow or late this week let's make an appointment and we will choose an hour to devote to to to discuss it this is important even if you let your spouse know that you heard them and you say yes i hear you but i can't do it now that's not enough because they will think that you're just pushing it off that you're delaying it your your you're trying to procrastinate but when you offer them to choose a time then they see that you are serious yes it is important but right now i'm busy let's choose another time to talk tomorrow at 1 00 pm when i have lunch break or would say shabbat when we put children to sleep or on a sunday afternoon when children are playing or in school or i'll call you from work and we'll talk about it choose a time right then and there and by the way if a fight develops late at night and both husband and wife are tired the best way is to do the same thing to say we are both tired right now let us postpone our argument until tomorrow let us choose a time tomorrow to discuss this and to resolve our disagreements it's not a good idea to fight until we resolve it and go to sleep peacefully because experience shows that when couples try to uh resolve their issues at night it only gets worse because they're tired their patience is very low and they are very sensitive they react very quickly to any improper comment or lack of um honor that they expect to be given to them so it's not in your um it's not to your advantage to fight late at night so if your spouse doesn't realize that offer to them say i'm very tired i'm worried that i might overreact i might say something improper and i care for you too much i want to have a fresh head so that i can think about it properly let's go to sleep and tomorrow we will continue our fight and you choose a time so whether you're fighting late at night or your spouse wants to talk some about something and you're busy you can say no but first you have to acknowledge their concern and then you have to apologize explain why you cannot speak about it now and offer them another time to speak about it now one more point before we go into tools is that whenever there is a conflict an argument often there is a pursuer and a withdrawal which means if two people are adults and they're respectful and they're ready for a conversation a respectful conversation will happen and they will resolve their issues but what if the the wife for example offers to have a conversation to discuss a topic and the husband is not ready so then what usually happens is that the wife will turn into a pursuer and the husband will turn into a withdrawer which means the the husband will show his initial inability to discuss and the wife will press on it push him try to force him to speak right then and there and the same thing the husband wants to discuss the finances or whatever else of the family and the wife doesn't want to talk about it so now the husband becomes the pursuer and the wife becomes the withdrawer and what usually happens is that the pursuer wants attention wants your time and the withdrawal is not ready to give that time to give that attention and now they start misjudging the withdrawer is looking at the pressure and says why is she nagging me why can't she leave me alone doesn't she see that i'm sick tired busy not in the mood and he he develops a very negative impression about the spouse or what about the pursuer the wife says i want to help our family i want to improve my husband which is not a good idea i'm doing it for our benefit he doesn't see it like that so there's miscommunication and the opposite the husband is saying i'm just trying to finish my project i'm just trying to relax i'm just trying to deal with my own issues if they would just give me time i would be able to to deal with it later i'm stressed right now if i speak about it now there will be a conflict it would be for their own good to leave me alone and come back another time that's what he's thinking and she is looking at him running away from the from the conversation what is she thinking the wife is thinking look he's incapable of making decisions he doesn't care about the family he doesn't care about me he's only thinking about himself so you see how she's thinking positively about her intention and he is misjudging her intention she's thinking for his benefit or for the family's benefit he's thinking she's nagging him and harassing him and the opposite he is thinking to find a a more quiet time and place to find the time when he's going to be more more calm and focused to deal with it and she's misjudging him and thinking that he's trying to run away he is irresponsible so this is a another example why it's important to express what you're about to do the wife should say my dear i would like to speak to you about something important this way you prepare the husband your spouse that you are seeking their time their attention and on the husband's part he has to express his either willingness or unpreparedness to discuss it at this moment he shouldn't just withdraw just ignore but he should express it my dear i hear you but right now i'm not available let us choose another time if instead she just drops the bomb yes we have to speak about it i want to discuss it now and uh instead of expressing his point of view that now it's not a good time he runs away from the conversation and and blames her leave me alone you're trying to control me i'm i'm tired right now i'm busy right now is this miscommunication so again if you want to discuss something important with your spouse prepare them ask their permission i would like to speak about something important with you do you have time do you have strength to think they'll say what is it my dear and you'll say i want to discuss our son's future for next year and he may say yes sure i have 10 minutes now let's start the conversation and if necessary we will postpone it or he'll say my dear i am busy right now but it is important for me i really want to resolve this issue let's speak about it tomorrow or in half an hour or when we go on vacation so keep that in mind don't become the pursuer but rather offer the discussion ask for permission if the spouse has the the ability now and on on the opposite side if the if you are on the receiving end of a attention seeking spouse don't run away but calmly explain your point of view yes i agree with you it is important but right now i am not available let's let's postpone now most important word is compromise when we live alone we are thinking about i we're thinking about ourselves you usually don't have to consider someone else's point of view besides our parents and our siblings which are there just to tell us what to do but then we're by ourselves we may have conflict with our siblings but for majority of the day we are our own boss whereas with a spouse we are not our own boss because our decisions have an effect on someone else's life so it's important that when you get married you change from i to we and when you go shopping you say not what i want to eat tonight what do we need from the store whatever decision you make what career is good for me no what career should i choose so that it should be good for the family you have to switch your whole mindset from thinking i to start thinking we and you have to understand that your spouse is not the same as you they have their own unique needs and and wants desires and you cannot and and you cannot uh just ignore it or misinterpret it you cannot just so they'll probably like this as it usually happens the wife tells the husband can you please get apples he goes to the store he says you know what i like sour cream [Music] these are sour apples they're not [Music] so you go to a store and you're not sure of something call and ask [Music] those details are important because they will avoid [Music] conflicts that your spouse is not [Music] providing yes don't expect that your spouse will like what you like but rather understand that your spouse will have different desires and so find out find out what can i get for you oh get for me this what kind of this what flavor and when you go to the store keep that in mind and whatever you do keep that in mind what about my spouse but because we are different and because we're not god we're not all present all knowing all capable all able there will be disagreements and conflicts because not always i will be able to satisfy your every desire and not always i will be able to figure out everything that you [Music] disagree so now comes the famous word compromise so once you ask your spouse for their opinion for their desire and you find that it is in conflict with yours [Music] you have to make a decision do i insist on what i want or do i compromise now that's that's a difficult thing for many people what do you mean why should i compromise if i start compromising they're gonna sit on my head they're gonna er they're gonna get used to controlling me if i say yes now they will expect yes forever so here you have to uh calm down don't stress too much over this because you always retain the ability to say no just because you say yes now does not mean that you're signing off your ability to say no forever even if even if you say yes and even if you you see that yes you know what i can i can live with what they want and you agree that does not mean that the next day you can politely say no does not mean that you cannot say no anymore so don't be afraid to compromise if right now you can handle to do things differently do them differently do them the way your spouse wants if you absolutely cannot then express it to them and say i would usually love to do what you want but right now i don't see a way out and keep in mind your prior priorities because if you just uh talking to a friend and you have a competition oh i'm right no you're right i wanted my way you wanted your way your risk is not so great okay you might lose a friend that's the worst that's gonna happen but you'll get another friend or you live without a friend not a big deal but your your spouse your wife or your husband is your priority one there's nothing in the whole wide world besides god of course there's nothing in the whole wide world more important than your spouse it's even more the spouse is even more important than your children your spouse is even more important than your parents as scary as it is to say it your spouse is more important than your children and your parents and therefore when you're getting married you have to get married with a thought that i'm getting married forever i'm getting married and i will work on my marriage as the highest priority in my life even more important than my career if there is a conflict between my marriage and my career my marriage will win if there is a conflict between my marriage and my parents my marriage will win because my parents will stay my parents no matter what i can find another job i can find another friend and my children they're my children they have to listen to me even if they're not happy but my spouse is number one and therefore when you're thinking should i compromise or not you the answer should usually be yes but i'm not gonna get what i want that's not important as much as my marriage but my children might not get the best education that's not as important as my marriage but my parents might be upset that's not as important as my marriage but my friend will be disappointed that's not as important as my marriage so keep in mind when there is a conflict between you and your spouse and you are considering to give in to compromise keep in mind that most of the time that's the best thing you can do that's the best investment into your own life because you're investing in your business number one your business number one is to be a good spouse as as uh the torah rights it's not good for a human being to be alone unmarried which means what is good what's good is for a human being to be married what's the ultimate good is for a human being to be married that's it nothing else should matter if i will have a successful marriage my parents will be happy if i have a successful marriage my children will be happy even if here and there we don't raise them properly that's okay if we don't make proper decisions concerning our children once in a while that's fine they'll survive the main thing for success total success of a human being is his marriage if your marriage is a happy one your life will be a happy one so therefore put it into your head that my marriage is worth every last penny that i have my marriage is worth every last bit of energy that i have my marriage is worth all the discomforts that i may endure so when you approach a conflict don't approach it from a position of comfort on you're sitting on your couch and should i compromise with my husband or with my wife and give in and do what they want me to do but that will create some discomfort or should i just enjoy my comfort no that's not the way you should look at it the way you should look at it is my life is on the line my marriage the most important thing in my life is on the line it's not about comfort it's about saving my life in this world and in the next so is it worth to compromise for my spouse of course of course nothing nothing can be more important than your spouse so compromise is number one word in marriage of course before you come to compromise first find out what they want and maybe if you know in advance what they want you can accommodate each other but if you cannot accommodate it's either one or the other who is gonna win you must compromise and uh when you compromise don't feel bad for yourself but think i am investing into the best business possible and not only that i am building my character i'm becoming a giver i'm becoming a better human being for which i will be appreciated my spouse is gonna love me and god is gonna love me when i compromise when i give in i build my marriage i build my relationship with my spouse and i build my own hola maba because i crea i create myself into a better human being now the second word that is that is um important in marriage is surprisingly no of course not always you will be able to to compromise and say yes even though that should be the the goal and that should be the majority of your responses but sometimes you will have to say no and it is acceptable it is permitted to say no to your spouse but of course you have to do it properly not with a sour face not with an angry expression blame again you're asking me you always ask me why can't you leave me alone can't you see i'm tired no rather you say no in a pleasant way by saying i would love to do that but i can't do it now maybe i will be able to do it later you have the right to say no whenever you need don't be afraid to say no but it is not the first option the first option is to say yes and be happy about it but if you have to say no be free to say no in a polite way you know sometimes you can say no to a person and he will feel so good about it on the other hand you can say yes to a person and he'll hate you for it so if you express your love towards that person and you desire to help them and your distress at not being able to help them say i'm really sorry i really want to help you i love you so much and i care for you so much and i really want to help you but right now i can't but maybe in a few minutes i will be able to or maybe tomorrow i will be able to or maybe i can refer you to someone who can help you so you can say unknown such a way that the person will apologize for even asking you they will see that you feel so bad saying no that they will tell you don't worry it's okay i'm sorry that i asked you please please continue to do what you are doing it's more important it was silly of me to ask you to help to help me so that's the smart way of saying no in such a way that the person loves you for it he loves you for saying no and of course you shouldn't say yes in a nasty way because if you're saying yes anyway if you're doing it anyway might as well gain some points on it don't say yes and suffer doing it and then your spouse is upset at you that you said no yes in a in a bad way so learn how to say no politely and and learn how to say yes happily if you see that your spouse is gonna win anyway so say yes happily and earn some brownie points along the way and the third thing everyone needs to learn in addition to compromising in addition to learning how to say no properly is accepting no if you are the one asking and your spouse says no and your spouse says i can't you have to accept no for an answer and in fact our sages teach us that accepting a no is a commandment in the torah and that's that's very surprising how is it that accepting no is a commandment and that is because in torah it says lo come the lord he told don't take revenge and don't be a grudge when do we have opportunity to take revenge when someone said no to us we ask someone for favor and they say no the torah tells us don't take revenge accept the no and don't take revenge if next time they ask you for something don't say no and don't bear a grudge if somebody said no to you don't be upset about it okay i'll accept the no but i'll be upset about it no the torah says you must accept a no and you have to be happy about it so every time your spouse says no and you let go you leave them alone you accept their no your fulfilling emits a commandment from the torah and the the sign of of a mature individual is the ability to say no children can't accept no they cry they whine they throw a tantrum and it's our job and we're gonna speak about it in our parenting classes how to train your child to learn to say to accept no but as mature adults we have the ability to accept a no and now the fourth aspect of conflict management let's say there is something that bothers you about your spouse and you argue about it and you try to change them and you're usually not successful and you fight about it and comes constantly it's on your mind how do you change your spouse you have a conflict you don't disagree with the way they do things with the way they think with the way they talk cook clean work talk walk whatever it is look you want to change your spouse and they're resisting it naturally what are the proper steps to take to change your spouse now first of all it is better to leave changing your spouse for someone else for their rabbi for their mentor for their friend if you need to see a change in your spouse ideally you should inspire them by by recommending that they should go to a lecture they should speak to a rabbi that they should sign up for a self-development course ideally you will see a greater success if someone else deals with them but let's say you're the only one who can do it what do you do to help them change if you absolutely cannot lead it cannot live with the way they are and you absolutely must change them what do you do number one figure out what bothers you don't just complain generally but identify specific specific reason or the specific behavior that bothers you for yourself not to view your spouse negatively but identify the particular behavior that you don't like everything else express your your your gratitude and and praise your spouse for all the other things they do properly identify what you absolutely want your spouse to change number two explain to them what you want don't assume that they know what bothers you don't just suffer over there and or complain generally assuming that they know what you're what you're upset at but rather write it down for them or say to them in a respectful way this is what hurts me this is what bothers me number three whenever you see even a slight improvement praise them whenever you see that they do something good in that area praise them this is a major part in imp improving someone you cannot improve someone just point by pointing out their fault usually when you point out someone's fault you drain them of their energy by praising them for what they have done well you energize them you charge them and you give them inspiration to continue on that same path so if usually your husband forgets to take out garbage don't start by telling him oh why do you always forget to take out garbage but rather wait for that day that he takes out the garbage and praise him for it and say wow thank you so much for remembering to take out the garbage and a few minutes later say you know i'm so happy that you took out this garbage i can only imagine how it would smell over here if it would still be here and a few minutes later say i appreciate that you're so responsible that you always think how to make me happy and and continue repeating the praise and for sure he will say to himself you know it feels good i like that my my wife is praising me you know what i'm gonna do it more often i'm gonna make sure to take out garbage every day and here the trick is don't take it for granted if your husband improves start praising him incessantly because if you stop praising him he'll say you know what i'm tired now today i'm gonna skip it what's in it for me anyway my wife is not doesn't pay attention to it so whatever good behavior you see in your spouse praise them for your own good because then your spouse will be more likely to continue with that behavior and then when they uh do something that you don't like even though you've expressed your desire they still do something that you don't like instead of instead of rebuking them and blaming them and accusing them just show your displeasure and express your hurt using the words i not you for example i felt hurt or it smelled the whole day it was hard for me to be in the kitchen or i would have liked it this way so this is a two-prong uh approach when your spouse does something good you praise them this way you will encourage them to continue doing good things and when your spouse does something wrong express your hurt you can have a sad look on your face and you can say i would have liked it this way i felt disappointed it hurt me without blaming without saying you without saying always without making them feel like they are a bad person but rather just pointing out that they did something wrong i would have liked it this way when this happened i was hurt so again you have to show them what's making you unhappy but you have to make sure you still uh show them that you love them that you still respect them that you still value them you only disagree with their action but not with who they are and lastly be patient if you want to change someone use the positive reinforcement use the expression of your hurt again express your desire and be patient don't nag don't expect immediate results be patient and slowly with praise and reminder gentle reminder of what you don't like your spouse will surely change and in the worst case if they don't change at least you will avoid confrontations fights hurt feelings you will avoid that your husband or wife will hate you so even if you fail in your approach if your spouse is stiff-necked and uh and unwilling to change at least you will have a more calm and peaceful life for yourself don't forget that when we become angry we're only hurting ourselves we are feeling our heartbeat we are feeling our racing thoughts our spouse doesn't feel our heartbeat our spouse doesn't feel doesn't know our thoughts so our body is being deteriorated our heart is being worn out and we're not accomplishing anything by using these techniques knowing that marriage is important the most important endeavor in your life the most important business in your life by knowing that it's worth to compromise because marriage is so important by knowing that if something is is is a must for me i have the right to say no i can express what i need and i can express that i cannot accommodate them in a polite way by knowing how to ex how to accept no from my spouse we will create more peace we will not become angry and by knowing how to treat our spouse if we want to change we will avoid the hurt build up that if we feel that our spouse will stay the same then every day it drips and drips and drips and we're building our hurt but if we are working on our spines by praising them and by reminding them what we don't like we have hope and and we will see improvement constantly so with this i'm finishing the the new material if you have questions you can unmute yourself or ask in the chat and again the recording will be available in a few hours and i can send it to whoever sends the request may we all have happiness in our marriage may we all have peace shalom in our marriage may we all work on our own character and help our spouse to improve theirs may we be a good role model for our children thank you for listening have a good night and shabbat shalom you