Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Parenting Part 7

[Music] do [Music] hello we are continuing learning about parenting and we are in chapter six of spear the child this is the book for those that are interested to purchase it uh we're on page 44. last week we learned about using prizes and we asked ourselves uh two questions do prizes create posi a positive association or not and are prizes considered educational tools or tools of control and we concluded that prizes are tools of controlling the child they are not educational tools and therefore whenever you use a prize you have to include an educational tool and that is explanation and praise encouraging the child to actually cr leave the child with something long-lasting and we also concluded that that prizes do not form um positive association but rather prizes develop a love or in the child for money or for toys or from for pleasure for material possessions um and the the child does not necessarily associate the prize with the activity um okay and um the class before that we described we explained what is a positive association and a negative an association and we explained that you have to in everything the child does try to create a positive association which will help him in in his future to do that action because he feels good about it and to avoid creating a negative association because then even though we want the child to do the action but the child will not be able to because he feels bad about it it reminds him of of bad emotions um or pain okay and today on page 44 we are going to explain the relationship between control and education control and we mentioned previously that you need both control at the beginning of the child's career and then you have to supplement it and replace it with proper education with hinuk now there is a quote from um and they said everything that hashem spoke we will do and we will hear is a quote from the conversation between hashem moshe and the jewish people hashem said to moshe go and offer torah to the jewish people and moshe came and said hashem would like to give you torah what do you say and the jewish people said we will do the entire torah and we will hear also unlike other nations who said let us hear what the torah says if we agree we will do if not we will not jewish people said first of all we commit we will do it and now that we are committing and we're doing it anyway let us ask what is written in it and the the response of the jewish people describes to us proper approach to teaching children raising children one of the most famous questions that children ask not what is good and what is bad but rather why we tell them to do something and instead of asking for details how should i do it when should i do it they say why and that is the immature response that the the the the nations of the world gave to hashem when hashem said i would like you to accept the torah and they said why they said let us first hear it if we agree we will do if not then why should we do it the jewish people on the other hand did not ask why they said of course we will do it teach us how and what to do and later we will hear why and hashem said that is the proper response because when the child asks why before he agrees to do the parents request his why is really a no his why is saying i'm the boss you don't tell me what to do if you explain it to me i may agree to do it i may not and if you don't explain it to me i'm not doing it whereas the proper the proper relationship between parents and children should be that parents are the boss and children are those that follow just like between the jewish people and hashem when hashem said to the jewish people will you accept the torah upon yourselves who said yes and now we would like to know what it says in the torah once we accept it so a child who says yes mommy yes daddy and uh can you please explain to me how and why should i do it that is a proper sequence of events but if the child first says why then that question in itself is a rebellion that question in itself is not a question it's a statement i'm not doing it um and because we were mature enough as a nation to understand that our relationship with hashem is such that we are dependent on him hashem knows better what we need and if hashem tells us to do something we can be sure that it is for our own good we can be sure that what he's telling us to do that is the right thing to do and therefore we are better to agree and say yes and do it no questions asked afterwards we can hear the explanation children should have the same attitude i trust my parents that they want the best for me and that they are older wiser more experienced than i am and therefore if my parents are telling me something i will follow their request this is a part of kibbud away as well if parents ask a child the child is supposed to fulfill their request unless the child knows that what they are asking is illegal or non-kosher otherwise the child has to trust his parents that they want the best for him and that they know better so the talmud comments on this conversation between the jewish people and hashem when the bina israel preceded na aseto nisma when they said we will do first and only then they said let us hear what the torah says six hundred thousand angels came and fixed two crowns to each of them one for na assay and one for nishma which means the jewish people got two rewards one for accepting to do it and two for learning um about it which means accepting to do your parents request is a mitzvah obviously but learning why and how you should do it is also mitzvah but what should come first the acceptance to do it must come first but the explanation that follows is also a mitzvah is also important from here we learn an important principle and that is control comes before the jewish people were rewarded with two crowns for saying ishmael we will do and we will also hear the explanation one for we will do and one crown for we will hear we can easily understand why they were rewarded for saying we will do before even hearing the command but why were they rewarded for saying we will hear the explanation as well once you committed to do it is it important to know why and here we see a tremendous lesson that controlling the child alone is not enough when the child says okay mommy i'll do it okay temporarily you want you got the child to do what you want but your role as a parent doesn't stop there you also have to do nishma you also have to explain to the child why this is the proper things proper way to do things why this way is better than various other ways why it's important for the child to to to do it once they had already committed to performing hashem's mitzvot what was so great about their agreeing to hear the explanation the answer is that just as agreeing to do before hearing makes the doing that much greater since it expresses absolute commitment and dedication hearing after we are committed to doing makes the hearing that much greater which means sometimes people say once i'm done with my exams in college i don't want to hear about math science chemistry all that i'm not interested in i only did it for the grade so that's of course pathetic that's sad that the um a person would spend four or more years of their life learning nothing and not being interested about anything not opening their mind only interested in the action i just want to get the diploma so that i can earn money and of course such a person is not going to be the greatest doctor or the greatest lawyer or greatest scientist if they're not really interested in knowing why as soon as they're gonna leave college they're gonna stop applying all the knowledge that they learned they're just gonna become robots just doing the task that their boss tells them to do no creativity no advancement and that's not the goal of college and that's not the goal of parenting we don't want our children to say okay already what do you want me to do now i'll just do it and get over and i hope never to do it again in my life we don't want them to to do that with household chores they shouldn't become a burden on their spouse and we don't want them to do that with religion we don't want them to learn torah while they're in yeshiva because they're scared of us and of the principle and then stop learning forever and we don't want them to do mitzvot just because we are on top of them and as soon as they leave the house they will stop shalom rather the goal of education is that children should understand why it's important to do even after we force them even after the school forced them yes they learned and they passed the test the quiz the exam they got their diploma they should still have desire to continue learning to continue praying to continue doing mitzvot and therefore when they ask a question after they did the action that question is very precious when our children do what we tell them to do and then after it's done they don't run away and they come and say dad mom why did you tell me to do it like that why is it important why can't we do it my way or any other way that question is precious it's not coming from rebellion but rather from desire to learn because the child is interested to find out why he should continue doing it in the future so that is a very powerful lesson that we're learning today that control comes before but control cannot be by itself education must follow control if a child asks you for explanation before doing the action that's not good if there is only explanation without demand for performance that's also not good if the child put his head puts his head down and performs but does not ask for explanation that's also not good so one without the other is not good you need both of them and in that exact sequence first control the child must accept to do what is being asked and then education we don't like being told that we have to do something that is a built-in reaction because we have a soul we are independent we have freedom to choose and anyone who interferes in our freedom to choose causes us tremendous pain and we resisted you by telling me what to do are taking away my freedom my god-given freedom so a person who is smart will say yes but in this case i'm willing to give up my freedom for the greater good because this person knows more than i and the he is smart what he's telling me is for my good and even though i would like to do something else but i will do what they want because they know better even if we are forced to listen we will not hear it well since we desire not to hear it when someone talks and we're not interested it is torture i don't want to listen they're telling me to do something they're trying to convince me to buy something or to do something that i don't want and that's very painful this will mean that both our understanding of the command and our appreciation of its truth and value will be compromised someone is telling me to do something and i don't want to do it i will ignore them either completely or partially and then my performance will lack because i wasn't interested and i wasn't paying attention that makes it unlikely that the command will be performed optimally so explaining the reason for the command before the command is performed is counterproductive because the person doesn't want to listen to it before he performs the action now imagine if i put that action aside i do it that's it it's not on my mind anymore i don't have a strong desire not to do it because i did it already now i can relax my mind is is clear to accept the message for example someone comes to you and says i have something uh good to sell to you you're gonna like it you need it buy it from me so right away we say no no i don't want it i don't need it please get away from me and he's trying to praise it and we say no i don't want but what if we say you know what i need it he's i trust him he's my friend i trust him i'll buy it yeah i buy it and then i tell him okay now please explain to me how do i use this thing what is it and why do i need it and he will present it and we will be all ears because i bought it already i put in effort it became part of me now i want to hear why it is good so that's the difference between a child asking why before performing the action that is a rebellious why i don't want to know i don't want to hear i don't want to do and even if we explain to him why and tell him okay now do it i explain to you and he'll again say why because he didn't hear us and he's not interested in the answer he just wants not to do it as opposed to when the parent forces the child to do it whatever method he's going to use and then the parent explains why it is important the child will not be under stress rather he will be more calm and will accept the message and then that explanation will be educational now let's continue but when a person considers himself fully committed to something to the extent that he does not entertain the possibility of not doing it then on the contrary he very much does want to hear since he is going to do it anyway he will want to feel that he is doing something great and when a person wants to hear to understand and to appreciate it he will perform it at the highest level therefore we should delay the hearing until after committing to obedience creates a deeper understanding and appreciation so don't rush to explain things to your children but do explain them at the end when the child asks why more often than not we should not answer we can say because i said so i will explain to you after you do it or something similar because explaining to them before they commit is a waste of time now this is control telling a child do it and you'll receive explanation later with we take this a step further by delaying our children's hearing until after they have already done what they have to do we accomplish both a negative and a positive purpose we eliminate their resistance to hearing and we also make them want to hear once they wash the dishes we can explain to them why we wanted them to use that sponge that's so that temperature of water and why it's important to do it today and not to delay it until next week and so on this is a critical key to imposing authority correctly as the following quotes illustrate if what i'm doing if i'm going to say is hotspedic i apologize in advance but when you told me to explain what i meant when i told my friends that you use the torah for your own purposes purposes you said to write what i really feel so here's what i really feel whenever you want to force us to do something no matter what and no matter why you find all kinds of explanations this is a child speaking to the parent and the child is telling the parent my dear parent whenever you tell us to do something you try to explain yourself and you bring proofs from the torah but how is it that the torah is always on your side and never on ours which means the child is well is trying to say that when a parent gives a command to a child and then explains it it sounds to the child that the parent needs to find excuse why the child should do it really the child is not supposed to do it really could be it's a parent's job but the child needs to be forced and he's being forced with explanation therefore the child views explanation as control not as education the parent thinks that he's educating the child he is explaining to him but the child views the explanation as excuse really the parent doesn't deserve to ask me to do the favor to do a household chore and in order to convince me he finds he thinks of an explanation so really explaining what you want the child to do goes against our goals which means for example if you tell a child please take out the garbage because it stinks it's full already please it's going to be heavy for me and so on what what is the child thinking the child will think really it's the parents job to take out the garbage and they want to trick me they want to uh manipulate me to convince me that i should take out the garbage and so they give me excuses or it smells i don't feel any smell and they tell me oh it's heavy for them it's not heavy for them they can do it they just are easy um so by giving explanation we're making our request weaker if instead we say please take out the garbage period no that's it no arguing no explanation the child will say oh the parent asked me to do something and there's no explanation must be it's absolute even if i can argue about their explanations but there are no explanations once you give explanation there may be a counter argument please take out the garbage because it stinks i don't feel any stink when it starts thinking i'll taking a take it out no no i i do even though it's not that's thinking now but i see cockroach coming towards it it's gonna multiply i don't see any cockroaches so any explanation you give before the child commits to do the action can be argued and weakens our command now this boy is expressing a truth that many others keep to themselves and often from themselves there is no point in explaining to a child in advance why he must do something he does not want to hear the explanation and he will resist the message after all the explanation obligates him to do something that he doesn't want to do so explanation is against him and therefore he doesn't want the explanation even if he is forced to listen to the explanation he will resist acknowledging and internalizing its message in the above case the child implies that he suspects his teachers of distorting the torah for the sake of their own agenda i can't ever argue with you but how could it be that the torah is always on your side and everyone ours another child expressed the same sentiment a bit differently i will not lie and tell you that i love the torah i also don't think it's fair to expect me to love the torah because the torah always sides with my parents against me the torah always says you have to listen to your parents you have to do everything they say you cannot argue with them you have to be quiet you have to respect them you have to fear them this is uh not fair another quote this time from an adolescent i heard you but i wasn't really listening your job is to talk our job is to ignore i doubt that you yourself really mean everything you say that's just the way it is parents and teachers talk and talk and the kids have to pretend they're listening pretend they're listening it's like the cat convincing the mouse to come out of his hole because it's dark and cold in there and the air isn't healthy if the mouse falls for it and comes out then then what then he is done that's how children view our explanations that our explanations are a form of manipulating them in doing what we want these and similar statements all highlight the same point attempting to put education before control meaning to explain to the child the value of what he must do while making him do it is futile the child will not accept and internalize the explanation he's not interested in the message in fact putting education before control is more than just a wasted effort it is actually harmful apart from refusing to internalize the message that conflicts with what he wants the child will develop a very negative attitude toward the message he will come to view the message itself meaning the torah val value the halacha the ethical teaching as annoying he might even view it as a pretense on the part of the parents sadly once this becomes the child's attitude he is liable to remain with it is liable to remain with him even when he is no when he no longer has a reason to resist the message the child grows up but the negative attitude to the explanation is still with him i can't believe that message because that's just my parents way to force me now if a child regularly feels the need to resist torah ideas that are being forced on him he will learn to relate to all such ideas with suspicion and resistance that's what happened in the above cases one child expressed skepticism about any torah ideas that he hears another expressed a negative feeling toward thor in general the third expressed distrust of any sort of message granted it will only reach such an extent if a parent follows this pattern regularly but we do see that this is an unhealthy and destructive pattern therefore the rule is do first and then here first make the child to do first make the child do what you're asking that's what we call control then have him here that's the hinuk and it doesn't have to be immediately after because the child might be still a little bit stressed a little bit unhappy that he was forced to do something wait when the child comes down when he's eating his favorite snack when he is relaxed and then tell him oh by the way you know it was so good that you did that and also the way you did it was very good because and then you explain that why that was the better way than anything else and you explained to him why you asked him and you expl you explained to him why in general this is an amazing and and good um thing to do and the child will feel good yes i did it yes that was me and now he's hearing all the good things about it says oh i'm so good i did it i didn't resist i didn't run away i didn't refuse i did it and i did such a great thing wow amazing so he you actually create a positive association by teaching him after forcing him of course this applies only when we make the a child do something he doesn't want to do when we teach about something in a general way without placing an immediate demand on the child this rule does not apply for example if a rabbi is teaching the laws of shabbat in a classroom there is no reason not to discuss the beauty and value of shabbat because right now this is not being taught as a command do it right now just talking on shabbat we do this and we don't do this and by the way we speak about the beauty of shabbat theoretical learning which does not translate into an immediate demand does not generally arouse resistance unless such resistance was already ingrained in in a child in the same way if a child is happy to do what is asked of him there is obviously no reason to avoid explaining the importance of what he is doing even if he has not yet done it because he already has the commitment to do it therefore it's okay to explain to him the the importance of doing it now we're on page 48. paragraph 2 delaying until the control is finished now he quotes from a rebbe i am a new inexperienced rebbe at the beginning of the year i tried to preface any demand that i made of the children with positive reinforcement you make a demand and then you praise them you beg them you explain whenever i had to make them do something i would try to inspire them to do it i thought that this would impel them to perform willingly and i wouldn't have to force them but reality proved me wrong my attempts did not work at all after hearing your lecture about na seven ishmael i understood why you were right the children weren't interested in hearing my explanations the problem is that even now though i changed my approach and provide positive reinforcement only after the fact it still doesn't work even after i've made them do what they have to do they're still bitter about it and they don't want to hear my explanations they look like they're listening but i can tell that they aren't happy about it i don't know if the problem is me and i don't know how to provide positive reinforcement or if there is some other issue involved that i haven't properly understood this writer alludes to the answer in his own question when he writes they are still bitter about it and they don't want to hear anything by providing explanations before giving them a chance to fulfill his command he made it look like he's manipulating them he made it look like really what he's asking is not important and he's just tricking them in order to convince them to do it education is only relevant once the child is at peace with the task as long as the child is still bitter he has not yet reached that point although he has already performed the effects of the control are not yet over and as long as the control is not entirely finished is still premature as long as the child is still suffering because of what he needs to do we should not force explanation upon him as it says in pirkei avot do not try to calm a person down at the moment when he's angry and do not try to appease a person to comfort a person when he's mourning when a person is going through an emotion don't try to speak logically with him first wait for the emotion to subside so to in when we ask our children to do something negative emotions arise they resist don't try to educate them while their fence is up their defense mechanism is activated wait until they do the action then wait until they calm down at an and up at an opportune moment approach them and give them the explanation only when the child's resistant feelings have subsided is he ready to hear and internalize the related lesson or value to put it differently part of the idea of prefacing nasa to nishma why action has to come before explanation is to keep the two completely separate only after the na se action is complete does the time for nishma for explanation arrive and that is only after the negative effect caused by the control has worn off or at least subsided again this might take place a considerable time later after the child has performed the task and is no longer resentful about it now we're on page 49. of course not every form of control has a negative effect control by means of a price for example leaves no negative residue that is on in a note he writes a simple prize which the child is not deception especially excited about and we will discuss later the guidelines of how to use the prices as a means of control so control by means of a price for example leaves no negative residue and can be implemented at that time at the time when the price is given similarly control that comes as part of the regular disciplinary structure does not necessarily have a negative effect again control that comes as part of the regular disciplinary structure does not necessarily have a negative effect meaning ordinary healthy commands are that are or should be part of everyday life do not create a negative effect even if you ask the child the same thing every day but the child is used to it he knows that that's what the rules are in this family he doesn't feel that you're burdening him too much because this is part of his structure this is the system that he's used to okay but we will speak more about it later so here we have another rule the explanation comes only after the action education becomes relevant only after the negative impact of the control has passed this is just one dimension of the subject showing that putting explanation after demand for action enhances the explanation of our purposes delaying the education until after the control enhances the education but there is another dimension as well when a child does the action without explanation his action is of a higher quality in other words control that comes before hinouk will be more effective our role as parents will be strengthened when we demand from our children without explanation our authority will be greater if we demand from our children without giving them a reason an excuse a convincing argument a manipulative suggestion because they internalize the message if my parent says something i have to do no matter what my parent doesn't have to give me explanation my parent knows what he's doing my parent is in control and i have to do no questions asked and it will create a very healthy dynamic between the children and parents it will create a healthy atmosphere in the family where the parents will have the authority and the fruits of your labor will be realized when the child is already a teenager if you develop this discipline you developed authority then at the time when they can actually refuse to do what you want at the time when they actually are mature and strong and independent they will still follow your command because they were trained to do so from young age but if at the young age you give them explanations and excuses and only if they agree they'll do imagine what's going to be when they're teenagers they will not listen to anything you say and this is uh similar to the famous story of the elephant when he was little he was tied to a thin rope and a little peg and he wasn't able to pull it out and it became ingrained in him that the stick is stronger than his and when he became a huge elephant he didn't even try pulling out the stick or or or tearing the rope so too with our children we will make their life and our life easier and more productive and less stressful if we train them from the young age that what the parent says must be done without explanation the explanation comes late if the child wants to learn okay now we will do just part of the next section section three the enhanced effect of control that precedes a person with an authoritative personality will be a successful leader you need authority for people to listen to you the more confident a leader feels about his role and his decisions the more others will tend to accept his authority in contrast a hesitant and apologetic person who is insecure about his leadership role and who feels the need to justify his orders will be a poor leader people have ha a hard time accepting his authority and i'll just give you examples in parenting for this idea and we will leave it at that parents when making commands when they ask something for the of the child to do should not ask for child's agreement just like they should not offer explanation or excuse or apologize because you are in charge you are the authority you give commands the child does not need to say yes or no in fact for a child to say yes to his parents is just as forbidden as to say no to his parents the halacha says that a child is not allowed to contradict his parents and surprisingly a child is not to is not allah is not allowed to agree with his parents how is that possible and now we learn why if a parent says something to the child and this child says yes that's right what does he show that he is the final word over the parents i approve of of this message no we don't need the child to approve our message the child has to do even if he doesn't approve it so we don't need to ask the child if he agrees and the parents often say oh please do your homework in a ton of voice that they're begging or you're gonna do your homework right we're gonna go to sleep after this okay these examples are of an insecure parent who is afraid to make a demand and he is looking for his child's approval and it may be difficult at first you need to remind yourself and train yourself not to say okay is it okay are you okay do you want right to say it in a begging tone of voice no it has to be authoritative after you do this we're going to sleep right now it's time to do homework please do your homework no you're going to do your homework okay no you're going to do your homework now do your homework now again people who are hesitant and apologetic will be poor leaders and parents cannot afford to be poor leaders they have to be confident and authoritative and then they will be successful leaders and successful leaders have successful community successful parents have successful families hashem we should all be successful parents hashem we should all have children who are good people who give us only happiness and bizarre we should be able to apply the lessons that we learned successfully and continue learning and improving our skills thank you for listening have a great you