Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - Parenting Part 8 - Parenting & Control without Chinuch

[Music] do [Music] good evening today we are learning about proper education raising children we're continuing learning from the book spare the child and we're continuing our topic control versus control and then we described what is education and what is control and we explained that uh you need both control and hynuk one without the other is not gonna work um and there has to be a specific order first there has to be a control and then there has to be education and we gave an example that if you explain yourself before demanding fulfillment of of a request then you're putting education before control and not only doesn't work but it causes damage and one of the reasons is that it makes the child feel that your demand needs an excuse since it needs an explanation that explanation is not education but rather an excuse a reason why really you don't have the right to ask for for it and you're trying to manipulate and convince the child why he really should do what you're asking and we learned this from the giving of the torah the jewish people understood the proper position of uh control before hinuk and when hashem offered them the torah they said we will do. and then once they committed that they will do it they said we would also like to hear the explanation hashem said to the angels who revealed the secret to the jewish people because this is a great secret when if you want to know if if the person is reliable if he sincerely wants to follow instructions then you check how he answers to your request if he asks for explanation right away it means that he really doesn't want to do it and he doesn't care and the request for explanation is just a a an attempt to get rid of your request but if the person will say yes for sure i will do it i'm ready to do it i would just like to learn more about it to know how to do it better then you know that he sincerely wants to fulfill your request and he's just asking for more information and we all know that the most common response of a child when you ask something from them is why why should i do it why do you need it why are you asking me and not someone else and that why is not a request for more information but rather again it is an attempt to get away from fulfilling your request and it has to be treated like that if you fall into the trap of explaining why the child has to do something before they agree to do it then they win then they prove to you that you really don't have a valid request and therefore when the child asks why the answer should be either because i said so because your father your mother said so or do it and then i will be happy to sit down with you and explain to you why and and all the details um okay now we are on page 49 of spare the child book and we're in uh paragraph three the enhanced effect of control that precedes renuka control not only should precede the hinuk that's the proper way but it will enhance the education a person with an authoritative personality will be a successful leader the more confident a leader feels about his role and his decisions the more others will tend to accept his authority in contrast a hesitant and apologetic person who is insecure about his leadership role and who feels the need to justify his orders will be a poor leader people will have a hard time accepting his authority not only there is a constant struggle power struggle in family and at the workplace and you need to be authoritative you need to be confident for people to listen to you but also people have worries even if they accept your authority but now they have to be sure that you know what you're talking about and that your request is correct and that it will achieve desired result but if you say it in an unsure way if you are soft if you are apologetic if you try to explain why you feel it needs to be done then your subordinates your children your co-workers your employee employees will not be so confident that what you're asking of them is really the right approach and so they will question not because they want to rebel not because they want to be leaders but simply because they're concerned so there's a double benefit number one if you're authoritative there will be no power struggle with your children and number two they will be more secure more confident that what they are doing is the right thing if a confident and authoritative heir has this effect on adults its effect on children is even greater because by nature children look up to adults and if adults in their life are insecure then children become insecure a child does not develop true perspective until the later stages of adolescence in the meantime they seek guidance from parents if parents are sure of themselves children are more calm and confident and then the note uh explains what he means we stress true perspective because children will often express very adamant opinions about things being fair unfair unreasonable they pass judgments about situations or about their parents and these judgments are just superficial declarations and we have to be aware of that we cannot take our children seriously if a child says i hate it it doesn't mean that if the child says you're the worst mom you're the worst dad cannot trust their words if they say i'm so angry cannot trust them if they say it really hurts it's killing cannot trust them because they don't have a true perspective they will fake cry they will fake laugh they will throw tantrum they will say things just to shock you and really they have no intent of meaning any truth they do not reflect a true deeply seated position it is a part of the process of the child beginning to develop his own perspective but it does not reflect a truly developed perspective so parents should remember that when the child states their opinion it is not to be taken seriously the child himself doesn't believe it and if you just pause and wait you will see that the child will change his opinion very quickly by himself you don't even have to argue and again that is true whether the child is excited about something that excitement is um the initial outburst it's the they cannot control their feelings but that excitement will subside doesn't mean that you have to react to it if the child says oh i love this idea let's do it doesn't mean anything the next moment the child will change their mind and if you jump and start developing their idea i want to fulfill my child's dream he's so excited you're wasting your time because very soon the child will not be excited about it anymore and the same thing is if the child is very upset depressed or angry don't be scared even if they're crying don't be scared again this is just initial outburst of their emotions that they cannot control and after the initial outburst they will calm down and you'll be surprised as if nothing happened they might be screaming and yelling and cursing and and uh saying nasty things and you are about to give in but don't give in very soon they will calm down and they will follow the directions and they will agree with you where was this where where where did it go all this all this anger all this uh emotion where did it go and it it it was fake it was never there they just opened the door allowed their emotion to burst forth and that's it it dissipated so again don't react to your children immediately it's um not only healthy for them to ask again and again and to see that the parent takes their request seriously not that oh can i do this yeah sure that means that the parent didn't really listen to them but if they ask again and again and again they rethink it and and consider is it worth it for me to ask for do i really need it and it allows the parent the time to think it through so whether for good or for bad don't react to your children and again because simply because a child does not develop true perspective he does not grasp the reality and cannot state a true opinion until later stages of adolescence parents are often disappointed they tried so hard to appease their children whether it's on a trip on a vacation on a some family activity a gift and the child is not happy and the child complains so you have to ignore all the complaints because again they cannot control their feelings and they're overall very happy but one little thing bothers them and cannot control them and that overpowers everything and they express themselves only about that as if nothing good exists so don't give up you're a good parent and if your child says says something negative just ignore it they don't know what they're talking about not because they're not smart they may be very smart but because they're not in control of their emotions and therefore emotions color everything and their opinions their statements their decisions their judgments are crooked are false and temporary soon if you just leave them don't argue because if you argue they will become stubborn and they will defend their position but if you just let it go just ignore their statement that statement will disappear okay so he continues on the last line of page 49 a child does not have a clear sense of a fair order page 50 or ex expectation a fair expectation versus an unfair order or expectation again they might say or you always ask me and you don't have to argue with them no i asked your brother or sister also i don't ask you because that's just falling into their trap just ignore it insist that they fulfill your request his attitude will be greatly affected by the vibes that his parents convey when issuing instructions if his parent sounds hesitant and apologetic it will provoke the child to resist if the parent himself doesn't know what he's talking about why should i do it why should i waste my precious time that i can be playing video games to take out garbage or wash dishes if the parent himself is not sure for sure i'm not gonna do it if the parent conveys resolute confidence the child will be more inclined to obey if a parent explains himself while exerting control the child perceives this as an apology it comes across as though the parent feels that he doesn't really have the right to make this demand or that this demand is unjustified such vibes will compromise the effectiveness of the parents control for example and here he quotes a child speaking my parents told you that as soon as they start talking to me whatever it's about i make faces it's true i do it on purpose should i tell you why because i want to shut them up i don't want them to mess with my mind i hate all the explanations and talk they make me do things that i don't want and because they know it's not right they try to twist my mind around it they think that if they talk enough they'll mix me up and i will not realize that they are wrong but i'm smarter than them they can make me do whatever they want but they'll never be able to make me think in the twisted way that they do so here's a child who is explaining why he doesn't want to listen to parents explanations if you want me to do something just tell me and i'll do it just force me and i'll do it but don't try to convince me because the child views a parent's explanation as attempt to convince to manipulate the child this boy is expressing a child's natural thinking if you are justifying it it means you are wrong often the parent is not really trying to justify sometimes he is sincerely trying to convey an important message or value but frequent frequently especially when a parent has to punish a child or impose authority in a serious way the parent is justifying himself he himself is not sure maybe he's too harsh maybe i'm not a good parent so i have to explain myself a sensitive parent may feel bad about his child's unhappy face he might fear that the child will bear a grudge or even stop liking him so he tries to convince the child that his order or decision is correct and this often happens when the child comes from school and complains about school complains about his teachers complains about his classmates you have to be careful not to jump at his initial complaint because it may just be he just wants to vent he just wants to let off some steam and afterwards he's going to be fine really the situation in school is perfectly fine but it's normal it's healthy normal interaction between classmates normal interaction between teachers and students he's just a little bit a little bit upset as soon as he tells you that he's upset he's not upset anymore and you as a parent take over and you cre you create reality from his um initial emotion so listen to him feel for him yes yes yes i feel bad yeah and that's it if he comes back and he's really upset and he's really crying and it continues then you can take it seriously but don't take it seriously uh at the beginning i've experienced it with my own children and as a teacher and as a camp director i've seen it again and again that children complain but there is no reality to their complaint they themselves forget it as soon as they complain and if the parent takes it seriously he pursues a fake dream imagination there's nothing there so don't feel bad about your child's unhappy face okay now the last paragraph on page 50. once a parent starts explaining himself this is a lost cause the parent's explanation will only reinforce the child's feeling that he is being wronged a parent who realizes this will overcome his instinct to explain himself and will exert control properly with resolute confidence it now on page 51 it makes no difference whether the parent is actually apologizing or not often the parent is apologizing they do believe that when the child says oh you're giving me such a hard job they believe that and if the child says you are unfair the parents believe it and when the child says you give me more jobs than my sister or my brother the parent believes it and apologizes but even if the parent is not so sensitive and he is not apologizing he's just explaining still the essential point is not the parent's intent but how the child perceives it any explanations that the parent provides when exerting control will be perceived as justifications justification of the parents role as a parent and justification of his decision this perceived justification severely undermines the effect of the control and the bold paragraph explanations given at the time of control at the time of command meaning before the child is at peace with what he has to do undermine not only the hinuk but also the effect of the control the child has to accept what is being asked from him or he has to already perform what is being asked from him only then the explanation is correct and sometimes even after the child performs the request he's still upset so in such a case you should wait you should wait until the child is in a better mood maybe a couple hours maybe even the next day maybe in a week and then say you know remember you did this for me i appreciate it and i want to explain why it was important to do it why we did it that way why it had to be done then why i was strict and i forced you to do it and by then the child will calm down and he will have an open mind to listen to you now next paragraph four explains to us when control does not require we said previously that most of the time should not be before control educating the child should not be done before forcing the child to do the action but we said that if you do force the child there should be an explanation later on because just control without education is very temporary if you force the child to make blessings to pray to put on to feeling and you just force without explanation there's just control without that's not good the child will stop doing it at the first opportunity so hinu must follow control most of the time however there are some time some some situations where just forcing the child to do something just controlling is enough you don't need hinu what is it so he gives uh a story a number of rabbis and activists once got together in the home of the briskerav to discuss some communal matter there was a small child in the room the child climbed onto the table and began crawling toward the brisket the rav lifted the child and placed him gently on the floor as he continued talking to those assembled the child climbed right back up and crawled on the table the rav again lifted him off the table and placed him on the floor when this happened the third time one of those present muttered something about the child's hynuk why don't you spank the child why is the child allowed to climb climb on the table there are looked at him surprisingly what does hino have to do with this have you ever seen a 30 year old crawling on a table this is a beautiful example where control alone is enough no explanation is necessary that is because you don't need long-term effect you just need the child should not do something inappropriate right now and when the child grows up naturally he will not repeat this behavior and therefore you don't need to lecture and educate the child don't you know that when we have company we don't crawl on tables why are you embarrassing me no a small child does a childish behavior you can stop him and that's it don't have to educate him on the topic because you have to ask yourself a question when he grows up will he do this or not if he will not do it then it's not a problem if it bothers you stop him if it doesn't bother you let him be a child jumps the parent says don't jump sit quietly if it doesn't bother you it doesn't bother neighbors just leave him alone let him jump let him crawl let him roll over let him stand on his head let him bang his head on on a wall it's not a problem when he grows up he's gonna stop doing such things this is a classic instance of distinguishing now somebody is asking a question what if the child doesn't say hello to guests so that's not a big deal why should the child say hello to the guests first of all they're not his guests he's not the host they didn't ask him when they visited he didn't invite them he's just a child he's not supposed to say hello to guests you know in um and thank you for bringing it up in talmud as well as in russia the rule was that a person who is younger a person who is of a lower status is not allowed to greet an adult or a person who is of a greater status and by the way in the army it's the same thing a soldier of a lower status is not allowed to greet an officer of a higher status without the officer giving permission so i remember being a young child in in russian school if we pass a teacher in a hallway or on a street we can look at the teacher we can smile at the teacher but we're not allowed to say anything to the teacher we have to first wait until the teacher says hello and only then we are allowed to say hello and the same rule was practiced in the talmud a student was not allowed to greet the rabbi until the rabbi greets him first this is unlike the american culture which is wrong that the youngsters jump up and they greet the adults this is uh hotspot who are you to interfere in a adult conversation who are you to face adult and greet him you have to have all over over an authority of adult over your parents guest and you have to stay quiet until the adult greets you and then you can smile you can nod your head you can say hello but you're not allowed to say hello first so that's besides the first point that i made that what do you want from the child they may be shy they may not know the etiquette which the etiquette might be wrong anyway and so doesn't show any bad um education and you have don't have to force them you you don't have to correct them you can by the way say you know it's nice they will be happy if you greet them but without forcing again because the society will teach them to say hello the society and even improperly the society will teach them to say fake hello how are you you don't have to worry about it okay now let's continue so this story where the briskerav just showed control by removing his child from the table putting him on the floor and that was enough no education was necessary only control this is a classic instance of distinguishing between and control in addition it shows that knowing how to distinguish between hydrogen control will help distinguish between an education issue where you have to follow up where you have to educate give explanation and another issue where it's not a long-term problem in the long term the child will improve himself the society will force him or just maturity will will cause him naturally a hundred percent of people don't crawl on tables and don't do other childish things um so when it's a non issue you can exercise control if it bothers you but if it doesn't bother you just let it be since focuses on the future any behavior that passes with age by itself and has no bearing on the future is not a heinough matter the following account will help help us appreciate the critical importance of this point now we are on page 52 and we read the following story for many years i managed a hostel for single women with children the children acted like children happy noisy and active but there wasn't much room in the hostel there was no yard no play room and no apar and the apartments were small and cramped these were women who had been through a lot and most of them were miserable and bitter they tried to keep the kids under control in every way possible yelling criticizing punishing harshly and lecturing endlessly after many years of observing this reality i concluded that the intense lectures and criticism ruined these children more than anything else they were in effect an ongoing brainwash convincing the children that there was something very wrong with them that they were bad bad people but really the bad was nothing other than their natural desire to be children and by the way if your children's behavior bothers you not because they're doing something wrong but just because you cannot handle children then you should get help not professional help but you should get help for yourself in changing the environment for example if you live like it was described here in a cramped apartment in what we sometimes refer to a pigeon coop where there is no room to play not inside the apartment and not outside the apartment and the children are supposed to behave like prisoners or like an animal in a cage without any movement whatsoever then no wonder that the parents are going to be stressed out and children are going to be unhappy and they will not have a happy childhood so you should think of moving to a place where you can have a yard where streets are safe where there is frontier to plane where it's safe for you to just let your children out and let them express their child behavior where you don't see it let them climb the trees let them jump let them fight let them run around let them throw things don't constrict them don't limit them there's no reason to live in a cramped apartment just because it's close to your parents or just because you you have a job that pays better in nearby just because of other financial or or comfort thoughts that's not worth to sacrifice your children's childhood for that as once i asked erav whether he would recommend me to move to queens from muncie and he told me the reason was because i was working in queens and i was commuting from muncie and it was difficult so i said why should i commute maybe i should move so he said you know you have a choice either you suffer or your children will suffer either you suffer by commuting or move to queens and it's going to be easy for you you're going to be close to your job but then your children will suffer so you choose and of course i chose to suffer myself than to cause my children to suffer um so again there is nothing really bad in most of children's behavior other than their desire to be children they throw a ball and they break a vas or chandelier they're not bad they're normal they did what they was they were created to do it's just that you you you put them in an environment that's not for them you force them to be in an environment that's against their nature so it's really the parents fault the parent if i can say that the parent is being a bad parent by putting a child a playful child a healthy energetic playful child in a room full of glass mirrors expensive antiques and then we call the children a d d adhd when in fact it's the parents who are selfish or just uneducated not not caring for children's needs and just to shut the children up and to have peaceful life they drug them up and call them names all you have to do is just let them loose and so many times in my camp that i i direct every summer i have parents that call me in advance and they tell me you should know this child is the most difficult child he was thrown out of schools and we cannot handle him he's terrible we're warning you and he comes in and he's the best camper why because he is so energetic and he excites everyone and he's always the first and he thinks of all the good activities to do he's the best to be in camp and the pleasure to have and when i give such a report to parents they're shocked what my terrible child my add my drugged up child is good i can't believe it you're probably confusing him with someone and this is not a an individual case this happens every year in every group the child that the parents fear the most from he is the best child why because he finally can be who he was born to be to be in the outdoors to be among animals among trees rocks ground where he can explore and enjoy life children are not created to be in pigeon coops okay so again we have to be very careful not to be upset at our children for something that they are supposed to do they created to be wild curious energetic and with age with maturity it will wear off they will not be excited about the toys anymore they will not be excited about sports anymore they'll be normal businessman doctors lawyers and you don't have to tell them oh don't jump the neighbors will complain when they grow up they're not going to jump and if the neighbors come and complain let them speak to your children the children will see that the neighbors are upset and they themselves will stop you don't have to be the bad guy okay now this is just a general um talk each specific case of course requires um individual individual approach but don't feel bad when your children are being children now he continues the story the story again is about a hostel where women single mothers from troubled background were trying to control their children in cramped environment and they were yelling and screaming and threatening and lecturing their children years later i moved to israel and assumed a chinook position i discovered to my dismay that this phenomenon is just as common in ordinary settings not only among women who were battered in schools and at home children are being criticized lectured for trying to act like children yes we have to train kids to sit nicely in class but if a child has a hard time with it why does he need to feel like there is something rotten about his character he's just a little bit more active than other children he's not any worse he's not bad why is he lectured as though he is wicked the healthier and livelier a child is the more difficult it is for us to tolerate him we want children who are quiet passive and submissive who will not disturb our nap and will not get on our tense nerves we command our children to act like programmed robots and they don't manage to do so since hashem didn't consult with us when he created them we subject them to constant intense lectures we give them a negative image and destroy their fresh and pure characters maybe i'm expressing myself too sharply maybe my cry of pain is a bit extreme but over the years i have closely followed the goings on in the homes of more than 30 students in all of them i found that the vast majority of parent-child conflict stems from our difficulty in dealing with a healthy lively child yet yes it is difficult to raise such a child in a crowded and stressed environment and since that is the root of the vast majority of conflicts that is also what the vast majority of the mussar lectures to the children are about instead of parents trying to ease the plight of our children to make it easier for them to be children to help them to enjoy their childhood we are suppressing them like concentration camp don't raise your voice don't raise your hand don't jump don't run don't do this don't do that okay now we're on page 53. we finish the story this writer is raising a point that deserves special attention growing up in our current reality we may have a hard time appreciating how right he is yes today's living conditions are quite problematic for a child's healthy development a child needs room to move around freely he needs space to yell at the top of his lungs to run as fast as he can to fall and get up to climb and to slip he needs space to explore and experiment to release energy and to try to get every part of his body in and around everything children need this but our reality does not enable it and unfortunately for those that live in a city children need it every day and if we force them to stay quiet and immobile their character will be ruined their self-esteem will be ruined their enjoyment of life will be ruined how much space can we allow our children to release their energy freely throughout most of the day we have to coop them inside in houses full of furniture and expensive or dangerous objects that very much limit their movement this is not a healthy reality and it causes or exacerbates many issues functional issues learning issues and developmental issues okay in classroom they have to sit by their desk in the classroom they cannot get up they cannot run in the hallway but when they're home why should their suffering continue we do not have a solution to this problem nor is it our subject again the the only solution would be is to change the location he is speaking about israel in israel it's much harder it's more expensive and there's less space in general in israel but here in the united states what stops us from moving to an area where children will have more space both in the house and outside the house there's no excuse but it is extremely important to remember this reality so as to allow the children whatever space we can and not rob them of even this minimum and even if they are in a cramped apartment at least don't lecture them at least feel for them and whatever little movement they have allow them and by the way um the gemara says that one of the most healthy behaviors for children is to break things when they break things they learn how it's built what it's made out of and also they release their frustration and their energy with every breakage a lot of stress is released that's what talmud says that a certain rabbi would buy cheap utensils or utensils with blemishes and he would give them to his children and allow them to break them and he recommends that everyone should give his child something that the child can freely break and that is the custom in our family that whenever we have an appliance or an item that is uh no longer needed or is broken instead of just throwing it out we let our children play with it we give them screwdrivers hammers axes if you want and they can do whatever they want with it and afterwards if they want of course if the neighborhood allows they can chuck it off the porch and let it smash on the ground and enjoy and only then we throw it out so even in a small apartment you can still you you walk and you find a piece of appliance or whatever all the clock radio computer screen whatever it is give it to your children and let them kick it throw it smash it at least something you can do for for your children to improve their childhood okay now back to our subject many childish behaviors that pass with age are actually important parts of a child's healthy development that is why children will keep repeating them these behaviors despite the adults attempts to suppress them we should not fight these behaviors such struggles harm the child's development and waste precious energies and resources these pointless struggles arouse unnecessary conflict and aggravation and ruin the atmosphere in the home it is best to simply ignore these behaviors and let children be children if and when we need to reign a child in for technical or safety reasons it is best to simply try to circumvent certain behaviors or prevent them technically it should not be turned into a matter of principle or ideals it should never be fought with mossad lectures or punishments if a child jumps and it disturbs the neighbor don't say oh you're insensitive you don't care about others just say you have to stop now the neighbor is complaining you have to stop you're good what you're doing is good but just technically right now we cannot do it now to summarize on page 54 a child's behavior is a matter of only if it is if it has a bearing on the child's future we should attempt to enable children to engage in behaviors that are not issues if they appear to be part of the child's healthy development let them do whatever they want as long as when they grow up they will not do such childish things in places and at times that such behavior cannot be allowed it is best to prevent it technically not by clashing with a child but never should a child be lectured for his difficulty in adapting to such technical circumstances or for failing to adapt to the unnatural conditions of the home or the classroom if the child is loud he's not bad he's just loud when he grows up he'll be able to use his loudness to be a principal a teacher a public speaker but if you call him bad then you will him and instead of having a talent he will have a disability um we finished part one next week hashem we will start part two to learn about control in depth thank you for joining us all the best may we also have success in raising our children [Music] you