Hashem will comfort us (Ep. 292)

Hi, this is David Alowski and welcome to the Robert Elowski show. And whether you're watching with our friends, our producers over at Tory Time or wherever you watch and listen to your podcast, as always, we're happy to have you along. And we have a sponsor this week and it's the sponsor from the last episode, not Tish episode, the one before that. And apparently I had given a misimpression and he sponsored another episode to correct the mistake. Hi Querv, I'm the same sponsor from the last episode. I just wanted to clarify that I don't deserve as much credit as it may have come off as. I have discovered the Rav Sherman podcast about six years ago when the podcast was still in its first few weeks. I think maybe episode six or somewhere around there. What are we up to? About 200. So, there weren't that many podcasts yet at the time to catch up on. When I discovered it, though, I did go back to find and listen to all the RV's previous Shurim that I could find online. Thank you again for the Rav, for everything the Rav does and for all of the and inspiration that we all gained from the RH and podcast. May the Rub always continue to inspire us and may we all grow in Torah and all good things and behind you set me up because obviously I should have made a mistake in this one so then you would sponsor the next episode. Every time you sponsor, I'm going to have to make like a little mistake and then you'll say, "Uhoh, I better sponsor the next episode so I correct that." But I think I got it right this time. I still think it's pretty impressive to be able to have listened to all the shor that we've put out and all the podcasts and tremendous yashikayak and uh should give you all good things and all good. We are in a special period of time now, right? We're coming out of Tishb. Takes us a while to come out of Tishb. Took us three weeks to get here. And uh it went from bad to worse to worser. We went from the three weeks into the nine days into this year a little better. then go into tishabove and then you go into uh into the tenth of until it's over and uh that's the uh that's the period of time that we're in. Yeah. And um and now we come out of it. Leading up to it, we read the threeus of where was telling us, get your act together and don't destroy the base of mikdash. Stop. Of course, we were on a downward spiral. Things played out the way they did obviously this year as it has for close to 2,000 years. We did not do chuva. We did not change. We did not pull our act together. And we're how does it go? Winston Churchill said, "Man will occasionally stumble upon the truth, but he usually picks himself up and keeps going." And that's the story of the Jewish people. And once again, we uh we have destroyed the base of Mikdesh with our sins. Any generation where the base m is not rebuilt then you know that had you it had been existing in our generation it would have been destroyed. So we don't have to look at them and say look at what they did look at us and say look at what we did. It's always important to look at it from that point of view. Somebody was telling the brisk, "Look at these. Look at these." And he said to them, "Yona is on a boat filled with Zor and there's a storm threatening to destroy the boat." And he says, "This is because of me, not because of you." Kaj Baru doesn't take you guys that seriously that he would bring a miraculous storm to destroy you, but I'm He's coming after me. Trust me. Briskarov says, "Let's talk about ourselves and look at where we are. We destroyed the BA mikdash. Us, me and you." Yeah. Um, I think it's fair to say that people who listen to the Rabi Alowski show have probably worked a little harder to undo the damage, but we were not successful. We are CLA and uh we at the end of the day have to take responsibility. The uh the sign of maturity is taking responsibility as opposed to blaming things on other people. When a car bomb went off in Lebanon and killed over 200 Marines, Ronald Reagan said, "I'm the commanderin-chief. I'm not passing the buck. I'm not blaming on anybody else. This is my responsibility and I will take the consequences." He was an adult. When Bill Clinton lied under oath, his defense was, "It's not my fault. You shouldn't have asked me the question." That's the opposite of taking responsibility. So, okay, we understand, you know, we we uh we are we are where we are. Things have turned out. The three weeks ended with tishov and that's it. uh three weeks of seven ha of takes seven weeks to make us feel better for our to bring us to the point that we can go into rash shana and feel like a mench. It's going to take us seven weeks of positive ha toas and we really should talk maybe at one point about because basically takes lines from those seven ha to put it into perspective of what is what the gul can be and that's really what we we're focusing on now is so I want to speak about tuba now I I spoke about tub many years ago but I spoke about it more in the context of marriage because as we know the Mishna in Tinus says that the two happiest days of the year were yum kipra and on tub because on that day the girls would go out into the uh vineyards and dance and men would pick their brides and they would get married and this was very happy time. Now obviously it wasn't happy because they were dancing in the field. They were dancing in the vineyards because these were happy days. It was an auspicious time and there's a lot that has to do with marriage on and that's what we talked about last time and uh how the is defined in the context of and we know that moenu said that the generation that was going to inherit they could only marry among their until they divied up and uh and that decree was rescinded onto Bav. And we know that after the story of Pelgesh Viva and Beyammen uh lost that terrible war there was a gazer that Beyammen was not allowed to marry into Cl and that was rescended on uh on tuba. So there's a lot of marriage concepts associated with tuba. I want to focus on a completely different aspect of tuba and tuba doesn't really get enough press. Tubishvat gets a lot more press and I would argue that tuba is nowhere as significant as tuba. Tubishvat is the be new year of the trees of when we begin counting for trumis and micus. uh when we pick the fruit, how you know which is messed from last year to next year based on the you know it's kind of technical but tish first of all comes out during the school year and second of all it has a nifty song doesn't have a song anyway That's two T tootsie. Goodbye by uh Al Json, who I don't think there's anybody alive who knows who that is. Anyway, but I live in the past because it was cheaper. Anyway, but uh uh Tuba doesn't have a song and it comes out during camp. It's not, you know, but uh the Gmorra tells us it's one of the happiest days of the year. It's uh it's very very special time. So I want to focus on one of the reasons the Gammorra gives about why Tub is so happy and obviously the message transcends tuba itself. It says that there were certain families who were selected to collect wood for the wood pile in the basa mikdash. Only certain families were allowed to collect it and only at certain times of the year and they would collect the wood and bring it to the ba mikdash or go in the wood pile and of course kohani bal m who weren't allowed to do the regular a voda they worked in the woodroom inspecting them to make sure there were no wormholes in them and uh then they would bring up the two pieces of wood to the msb to add to the fire They stopped collecting the wood on tuba because it says the sun was losing its power. I don't know if you ever heard the expression the dog days of August. August is pretty hot. Yeah. And in fact, the Gmorra says that the end of the summer is hotter than the middle of the summer because as it starts to go down, it the the heat has been building up in the world. So, it's even hotter at the end than beforehand. Dog days of August. Yeah. And yet right at the beginning of August comes tuba and we say nope can't collect the wood anymore because the sun is losing its uh kayak. So what does that make it a a holiday on tuba of for? It makes it a holiday because it's a sem. When you finish something you make a sem. It's a celebration that we finished. So we know you finish in we make a we know that there are different times we make celebrate that we finished right uh my grandchildren I don't remember this when I was a kid my grandchildren every time they finish a they have a every time they finish one of the they make a sim um it's uh every time they finish a peric of gar they make But I understand I understand the concept at least it's to celebrate that we finished and we know this when we finish we when we l in we all cry out we should be strengthened we made it through it's it's an accomplishment. Yeah. So there's no question about it we celebrate that. So it seems like certain families used to collect the wood for the basa mikdash at certain times of the year and they stopped on tuba of and therefore all of makes a celebration because of that seems a little a little sketchy on its surface. how how exactly that's a sim for all of so I saw a ver many years ago I remember it was in aid safer of it was I don't know which rabbi he was quoting but uh but it stuck with me and it says like this what does it mean that the sun is losing its force first of all you know that The winter the days are very short and they stay very short for a long time until at some point we suddenly start getting later and later and later and later so that the time we reach Pesak we're at the equinox and then it gets uh longer and longer and longer until we reach the summer solstice and it stays long for a very long period of time and then at some point it starts getting shorter. And someone pointed out to me the the turning point is more or less tub and you start losing seven minutes a week. And he says where you can find it most is in he said to me you can see how it starts getting the time starts changing. It's uh uh and it goes rapidly because from tuba of to uh sukus where we come to the uh the full equinox, you have a small period of time where you have to go from the longest days of the year to where it goes half and a half. And so it's got to go there pretty rapidly. And so the time changes fast. So, even though it might be pretty hot, the sun doesn't have the power that it usually does. Somebody asked me a question years ago. Why do the leaves change color in autumn? And uh I have to add a caveat to that because I live in shell and for the most part the leaves don't change color. uh deciduous trees change color. Oaks and maples and trees like that, they the leaves change color. Why? And I said, "They're not changing color. That's their real color. It's just because there's so much sunshine, it creates chlorophyll in the leaves, and the chlorophyll is green and it makes all the leaves look green." And as the sunshine begins to diminish at the end of the summer, so there's less sunshine, less chlorophyll, and the less green, and the real colors come out. And I said, it makes sense that Hashem set up the world that that should happen around Rashashana because in Rashashana, the essence is to be able to find out who you are. In everybody is judged as an individual. I remember said once, why do we define gehennam as a as fire? There's not really any fire. Obviously, you're in the your body stays here. If you're nervous, save up your money and invest in cyogenics. They'll wrap you in aluminum foil, put you in a freezer. You're not going to burn. And the soul can't burn. So, it's obviously emotional. I said this once to a group of yeshiva guys and one guy said don't tell me that that's the only reason I get up in the morning. I said, "We'll open a special section for you, you know, for actual fire, you know." But uh he says, "Why is that the mush?" He says, "Because when you burn something, the liquids are vaporized, the gases are released, and you're left with nothing but the essence." That's what gehenna is. Famous story with the brisk where he says to this guy, "Who are you?" And he says, "I'm a sugar merchant." says, "Okay." Few minutes later, he says, "Who are you?" He says, "I I import uh you know, sugar from the Caribbean." Okay. Few minutes later, he says, "Who are you?" He says, "You know, in the Caribbean, they have sugar cane and they extract it. I have a factory down there and we make sugar and I bring it in." Bas says, "I didn't ask you what you do for a living. I asked who are you?" And that's why people's identity is so hard to define because we define ourselves from other people. I'm somebody's father or mother. I'm somebody's child. I'm somebody's sister or brother. I'm somebody's neighbor. I'm somebody's boss. I'm somebody's employee. I live here. I drive that. You don't really find this today when we talk about, you know, based on where I live. You know, there was a time when in Europe there was a glutiana pila, you know, uh it made a big difference, you know, from Leita, you know, it it gave you a real identity. Today I remember hearing I forgot who said it that one of the reasons that the wrote the mish the Mishna Bur which was not that accepted in Europe because it's all he takes all the minimum and tries to put it together. I think it was the Khan who said he said because he saw that the holocaust was going to come and all the communities would be destroyed and uh and uh and therefore he wanted to come up with one min for cla because nobody would be a glitzana pusha anymore. I'm pretty sure I told the story and if so you'll indulge me. I'm sorry. There was a comedian Alan King. He was uh very Jewish. He was very Jewish. He sent his daughter to Hank, the Hebrew Academy of Nasser County. And uh I remember seeing him many many many years ago on the Johnny Carson show and he was talking about his son's bar mitzvah. He goes and I told everyone if you don't come to Shaw for the service, don't bother coming to the party. I thought that was interesting. Anyway, he has this routine where he says, "I had a grandfather. We used to call him Zadei." And Zadei used to say to me all the time, he used to say to me, "No matter what happens, don't marry a Galitziana." I didn't know what a glitziana was, but I I loved my Zeta. I said, "Sure, Zeta." Anyway, I went off to college. I met a nice Jewish girl. We're dating. We're getting serious. I want to bring her home to meet my parents. I said, "But I have one question for you. are you a glitziana? She says, "What's a glitzana?" He says, "I don't know." I'll go home and ask my parents. So he asked her parents. She comes back and says, "Yeah, I'm a glitziana." So, okay, now we have a problem. Says, "Why? I'll explain to you later." So he sits down with his za says, "Za, I found a nice girl. She's a Jewish girl. She wants to have a kosha home. She wants to live a Jewish life. It's just one thing. She's a glitziana." Says, "Absolutely not." He says, "But why Zeda?" He says, "No glitziana." Says, "Why?" He says, "Because Galitzanas put raisins in their stuffed cabbage." He says, "That's it?" He goes, "What? That's not enough?" But today, you don't really have galitzana. You don't really have pusha, you know. I I'm a pushid. My father, both of his parents came from outside of Warsaw, you know, and some of this continues. I must have told this story, you know, but uh my cousin told me, my grandfather, it was a snowstorm and he was taking the bus. She says, "Papa, why don't you take a taxi?" He says, "Because every click of the meter is like a knife in my heart." That's a polished. They tell him about a polished on his deathbed and he says, "Hi, are you here?" He says, "Yeah." He says, "Mosa, are you here?" He says, "Yeah." "Yankula, are you here?" He says, "Yeah." Then who's in the store? So that's the that's the idea. The idea is that um a person can uh can appreciate um you know, Pisha. That's how they that's how they were. They were really cheap. So I don't know if it was just cheap. It's also like very like I don't need this. My grand my father was like that you know that's how they used to talk you know. So I'll give you an example when I uh when I was getting ready for my heart surgery. So the doctor came in to speak to the family and he says listen uh this uh the operation will be tomorrow morning Wednesday morning. he'll be unconscious till Friday morning and uh you know and he'll be in intensive care so you're not really going to be able to see him you know until Friday morning. So my wife and my kids were discussing who's going to be here, who's going to be here then and when and I said do you hear him? I'm not going to be here. I'm going to be unconscious. You're not going to see me anyway. We were making a in two weeks. I said go home, work on the do what you have to do. Come back on Sunday morning. Put a little water in your eyes. say I was outside crying saying to him I'll never know the difference I don't need you here so the doctor the surgeon who was not from he goes a shid I didn't know they still had those so that's that's not okay so it's inside of you but uh but today do people really define their identity of I'm a polish I'm you know there's this phenomena I cannot explain it yeah I leave it to to my manyisha uh listeners out there. Someone told me I have a big following in B park when uh I always tell the story. I had these uh boys who were learning in Batyam. Their first language was Yiddish and they said they listened to the podcast. They wanted to come for a shabas meal you know and he says no you have a big following by the you know but every now and then I ask I asked I said what are you? He says, "Uh, I don't really have aid this. I'm just like aass with a reb to be named later." I was like, "How could you be a freelance? Everybody knows that the Reb has your neat sites of your Yeah, but you know, I like the lavush. I like the I like the attitude. So, this idea of identity maybe from place isn't there so much." But you do have that attitude by um what I drive. I've seen that. Or my favorite, I've quoted this on more than one occasion. Um, there was a commercial for a soft drink called Dr. Pepper. Yeah. And, uh, I have semi afficionados when I go to speak in America, they bring me a diet Dr. Pepper because they know I can't get ner. It's one of my, uh, one of my guilty pleasures. Yeah. Diet Dr. Pepper. You can get regular Dr. Pepper. Yeah. But not Diet Dr. Pepper. Anyway, they had a jingle. I remember it to this day. It must be 40, 50 years ago. I drink Dr. Pepper and I'm proud. I'm part of an original crowd. And if you look around these days, you'll see that there's a Dr. Pepper craze. I'm a pepper. He's a pepper. You're a pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too? It's not that I drink Dr. Pepper. I am a pepper. I have become my soft drink. That is my identity. So you get up to Shayim and wants to give you but who are you? Can you define yourself not by your family or by your profession or by your soft drink or where you come from? Can you define yourself just by you? But much Shapiro said this once. He said, "Put somebody in a completely black room, really dark room, no light whatsoever." He says, "Why are they afraid? What makes them uncomfortable?" He says, "Hisel," he says, "Look under the bed. There's no monsters. You check the closet, then there's no monsters." And I put you in a completely dark room. What makes us frightened? So what makes us frightened is we're conscious of nothing but our own identity. There's nothing but me. And that's scary because we don't know who we are. We we we don't spend time defining ourselves. So that's why the gehenn is defined as fire or described as fire because it burns away everything until you're left just with the essence. wants to reward you. But who are you? After we get down to the essence, after we see who you really are, that's very hard. It's very hard for people. Yeah. To define ourselves. So when a a person has to figure out who they are, which is what happens on rashana, there's a process. And so on tuba of it says the sun starts losing its power. And that's why I brought the mushel of the leaves. The leaves were always gold and crimson and burnt orange and all of those colors just the chlorophyll covered it up. And now when it all goes away, you get to see what they really are. And that's what we have to do in our shashana. We have to a person was created alone and is judged alone. Everybody passes before maron maron can either mean like sheep that go single file or like the army of which marched single file or this mountain pass which was very narrow and you can only go one at a time and that's on rash we have to forget who we are but the reason the leaves start turning color is because even though it might be very hot out but the sunlight is becoming less and less. So okay so what was this vert that I saw it said like this the med various rabbit says clearly that the uma are compared to the sun and the Jews are compared to the moon that's why we tell time by the moon we obviously also use the sun it's our calendar is a combination of solar and lunar But uh but our months the way we tell time is by the moon and the moon represents cloud. What do I mean by that? There are 29 12 days to a lunar month. Now obviously you don't want to start the new month in the middle of the day. So we make 6 months 29 days and 6 months 30 days. and uh we we one's a little early, one's a little late and that's the way that it works out. So that means when you reach the end of that month, the Gmorrah says there are six hours where the moon disappears. You can't see it. And if anybody comes and says I saw the moon at this time, then you know he's he's wrong. He's making a mistake. Can't be. Moon disappears for six hours at the end of each month. So what does that mean? Right? So what it means is like this. The Jewish people are like the moon because the sun keeps blazing. But in this world until Msiah comes, the Jewish people wax and wayne like the moon. And so we reach stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger until the full moon and then we begin to wayne and get less and less and less and less and less until we disappear and then we reappear as a tiny little sliver in the sky. So for example, the first generation of the Jewish people was Abraham. Abraham, Yakov, Lei, Kahos, Amram, Moshe. From Abraham was seven generations. It's another seven generations till we get to David Melik. David Melik was the 14th generation and Schlommo Melik was the 15th generation. The moon is full on the 14th and the 15th of the month. That's the full moon. And the Jewish people reach their height obviously under the reign of David and Schlomma. And immediately after that in the 16th generation the kingdom splits in half. We begin waning and it goes from worse to worse to worse until the northern kingdom is destroyed by San and carried off into gullis. And finally in the last generation in the generation of sidki the base is destroyed the Jewish people go into gullis. Satki was the 30th generation and that should have been the end. But just like the moon waxes and waines, it began to wax again. And so we reappear in Bav and we start to rebuild and then through Persia and then we come back and build the second base of Mikdesh and then we reach a golden age once again and then we fall apart. Once again, civil war between the two sons of Yanni, Herkinus and Aristoilus. And we split. Then Rome comes in and it goes from bad to worse until the second basement is destroyed. We go into gullis and then we reappear in the great yeshiva and bubble and we slowly start to rise up, rise up and rise up, rise up. And so it goes through Jewish history where you have the golden age of the Jews in uh in the Baltoisfus in France and Germany and then they're destroyed. And then you have the golden age in Spain and then it's destroyed. And you have the golden age in Poland and then it's destroyed. And the Jewish people wax and wayne throughout history. But there's going to come a time, and that's what we say when we say there's going to come a time when the moon is going to start to get brighter and brighter and brighter, and it's going to reach the 15th and get brighter and brighter and brighter until it's as bright as the sun. That's going to be most mashiach. And that's why the whole bra of kdes is all about the power of the moon becoming as bright as the sun. That's going to be the ga when that time comes. So look at the significance. The basa mikdash is destroyed in the summer tamuz and of the two hottest months of the year when the sun is at its greatest power. Shabbaz batamos is almost always longer than tishab. It's usually considered the longest of the fasts. I'm sure I mentioned this in the past as a pneummonic device for the tanim. It's black and white before and after long and short. Before is tinus comes out before por after comes out after um white is yam kipra black tish long is it's not 24 hours but otherwise it's the longest the ends the latest I was just in England we went to an early myra at 10:10 and That's we were in London. They said you go up to Gates Head. So Shivos they don't even uh the kids can't stay up that late to break the fast you know they went to a bar mitzvah already they go to sleep sent to bed without their supper you know they eat in the morning when they wake up because they just can't stay up that late it's uh it's it's amazing. Yeah, shazam is very long and uh and short is obviously a saravves and ends relatively early by comparison. So um uh so it's the days are very long. It's very hot. It's it's days of the Maharal says the worst time for the Jewish people is in the dead of winter. That's when a surviv takes place and in the height of summer because either the days are too long or the days are too short and it's either too hot or it's too cold and that's why most of our yum come up around the equinox half day, half night, not too hot, not too cold. We Jews do better with balance. Extremes are not good for us. And the summer is just a time of extremes. The days are too long. They added in daylight saving times just to make it worse. So like the sun never sets. It's like all just goes on and on forever. Very uh very difficult thing to be able to have. Yeah. And uh and people sleep too late. You'll notice this very often. Even Yeshiva Bakram comes the summertime. They they they sleep late. People sleep a lot and wake up late. Go to sleep late. People eat too much during the summer. The cuisine of choice is barbecue. There is no USDA suggested amount of frankfurters hamburgers, French fries, you know, colelaw, potato salad. It doesn't exist. It's it's it's to an extreme. After a barbecue, you know, you could find people, they're just sweating fat. It's just, you know, just terrible, just extreme. Everything is extreme. It's too much. And um and uh you need balance. So the sun is blazing. But tishv that's the time of and less than a week later we celebrate the fact that we can't collect the wood for the wood pile anymore because the sun is losing its power which means the um are starting to lose their power and it's getting shorter and shorter and shorter and now we have the shiva we have the seven weeks of as we go to the equinox And the sun is getting less and less and the leaves are turning colors and it starting to change. And we can see the we can see that the nations of the world don't have the power over us that they used to. We need we've we've gone through some very hard times. been through some very hard times and uh every now and then we look at it and it looks like wow things are great, things are great and then the moon begins to wne. And so during the year when that happens when the moon becomes less and the sun becomes more powerful that brings us the in the summer and then it starts to become less and less and less and we set our self closer and closer to the equinox where things are half and half the way they're supposed to be. That balance between Ava and Yura, that balance between everything in the world that's supposed to be carefully balanced, equilibrium, and it's very hard to do. Very hard to do. All right. Um, Gdulli Torah you find can keep that balance. A lot of people can't. When you're a teacher, you have to keep that balance. Kids don't know what to do when the teacher comes in in a bad mood and like all nobody bother me. Yeah. Yeah. Teacher has to be teacher every single day. It has to be the same thing. Yeah. Laavdil Joe Deaggio. He was a famous ball player and he retired early when he was still towards the height of his career. And they said to him, Joe, why are you retiring? You still have many years left. And he said, "Because when a kid comes to Yankee Stadium, he deserves to see Joe Deaggio, and I can't give that to him anymore. I can be good, but I'm not what I should be." And they deserve to see it. Yeah. You have to know that we we have to try to achieve to become the best that we can and to be able to grow. And we live in a world where the Jewish people wax and wayne. Andem there's going to come a time when we'll have a true and that's the is to know that we are uh getting out of the tragedy to be able to achieve that equilibrium to be the best that we can be where everything is in balance. It's very interesting. Simka does not mean happy. Simka means copathetic. There must be a better word for it than that. But copathetic means you're in balance. Everything's good. Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's good. When you go really like joyful, that's sone. That's beyond. But sima is balance. Yeah. Son goes beyond that. goes goes more happy. But iso I'm happy. I'm I'm set. I have an equilibrium in my life. That's what we have to really shoot for. That's what we have to all try to achieve. So, uh, so we're hoping to have an and is that um that the cavalry is on its way. you know, we we have to hold on till tomorrow. Yeah. And uh I had a Ziggy poster when I ran NCSY on my wall and it said it's always darkest before it's pitch black. That just because I'm a po shed as we already established that's the way we look at life. But what it means is that from the darkness comes the light. We need the courage to get through the dark times. We need the courage to be able to handle when things are not going right in our life and know that there's something waiting beyond this. There's going to be something there's going to be a tomorrow. I had a very interesting conversation with these two high school girls. I won't tell you where they live, but there is this phone system. I'm I'm my my my details are are uh scanty, so I I can't give you enough information, but this is how they described it to me. It was started during Zoom. It was sort of like group calls where you'd call up a number and everybody would be on the line. Says, "So, one of them is still going in Lakewood. There are people on it 24 hours a day, boys and girls from boys and girls. And they're talking all the time, all the time. And uh one of these girls was on it and she realized that this was not healthy and she got off it. But her friend is addicted and she's sitting there talking to these boys and etc. and she recognizes it's messing her up. How did she get out of this? She's 15 years old. I said, you know who's smart? Someone who can see the future. You're stuck where you are right now in high school. That's why back in Europe, boys used to get married at their bar mitzvah. So mama to a 12-y old girl, you know, Mayor says, "I got married at 14. If I got married at 13, I could spit the satin in the eye. It's not good for high school kids to be single. It's nothing good comes out of it. They should get married." They tell a story with the satba where they said, "We have in a uh have a having his and we have a bar mitzvah boy. Who should get the mafia?" He said, "Whoever is older, you know, cuz that's what it used to be. They get married at their bar mitzvah. You save money on a big party, you know. Knock off both parties at the same time, you know. Um in fact uh um somebody told me that uh he has a good friend uh this is Yoseph Brown. His good friend was Todd Miller from Gates Head. And the two of them were complaining that they have trouble with he says, "Yeah, my daughter, she's been going out. I have trouble finding a," you know. And Miller says, "Yeah, I have the same problem with my son. He's going out. I can't out." And finally, the little light bulb went on over their head and they're like, "Hey, you have a son. I have a daughter that maybe this will work out." They went out, they got engaged. So So this is the part of the story I find interesting. He said he said to the boy because you know the the father of the girl buys the a watch. He goes, "Hey, I got you a watch for your bar mitzvah. Is it still working? I have to get you another one. How's that one? That one's good." So this way you only had to get one watch for the baritzman for the for the wedding. You could knock them both off. Yeah. So um uh so she says she's addicted. She'll know what to do. So I spoke to her about marriage and I said no and she agreed with me. You're right. I agree that this is going to have a negative impact on me but I can't stop. Why? Because you're living in the here and now. You're not looking ahead. I've told this story before for sure. I was talking to a girl in seminary second year. She said to me, "I don't know if I want to be for him anymore." I said, "Okay, let's let's work it through. What's the next year going to look like? That wasn't too hard. The year after that, also wasn't too hard. What's it going to be when you're 30? Also pretty good. 40? More difficult. 50? She said, "I don't like the way it's turning out." I said, "Let's keep going." 60, 70, 80. She said, "Okay, what's the tr question? I have to be from But you don't do that. You look at today. I only think about today. Hey, I don't think about consequences. Everybody knows this. I've spoken about it before. They did a study where they took little kids and they put a marshmallow in front of them and said, "You can eat the marshmallow, but if you wait 10 minutes, I'll give you another marshmallow. You'll have two marshmallows." And then they tracked these people through life. And the ones who ate the marshmallows right away did not have successful lives, not successful careers, not successful relationships. And the one who was able to wait, they were successful in everything they did because you have to look ahead. That was only 10 minutes ahead. You have to be able to see ahead. So in the darkness, you have to be able to see the light. The laugh that gives when the see a fox coming out of the koshv and they all cried and he laughed and he says if the negative nur came true then the positive ones will for sure come true. You're looking at the darkness I'm seeing the light that comes after it. There'll be a tomorrow. There'll be a better time coming. There'll be a better world. And that takes us seven weeks, three weeks for us to warn that our poor decisions are going to lead to destruction. And once you lead to destruction, I've mentioned this before when I uh ran NCSY. So, I used to take things to the printer, and the printer had handouts. He would give you like little to-do notes, pads, and things like that. And one of them was this little funny thing. You know it's going to be a bad day when you know it's going to be a bad day when there's a 60-minute news crew waiting in your office. You know it's going to be a bad day when you know one of the things they said is you know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up face down naked in the gutter. That was maybe 45 years ago I read that. I think about it all the time. What was the series of events that led to this? How do I get home? I don't have bus fair. You know, you wake up face down naked in the gutter. There had to have been a whole series of very bad decisions that brought you to that point. And so there were a whole series of bad decisions that brought us to the that brings it to Tishv. And after a week the sun starts losing its power. And we can look ahead and see and see yum kiper and see ourselves as malim and see ourselves in the suka and take ourselves out of where we are. That's what we have to be working on now. And we'll all be z to and that brings us to the question and answer portion of our program. by anonymous. I talk to my mother on the phone on most days, often for one to two hours. My husband feels it's too much. How do you balance kivova aim with your responsibilities to your husband, children, and a sink full of dishes. Wow, what a terrible, terrible dilemma. The only dilemma that's worse than this is how does a husband manage his time towards his parents when his wife is upset? And the reason that's more of a problem is halically if a woman has to choose between her parents and her husband, her obligation to her husband comes first. But that's not true by a husband. So for him it's even worse. Yeah. Having said that, I had a husband who said to me once, I don't know what to do because you know my wife makes certain demands on me and my mother makes certain demands on me and how do I choose? I said you have to choose your wife. She can't feel like she's playing second fiddle. Obviously that does not exclude you or exempt you from the mitzvah of so how do you balance these things like a fiddler on the roof? It's very hard. It's very very hard. And um obviously it helps if everybody's on the same page. Sometimes they're not. sometimes said not I did not know that my father despised my mother's mother because he never let us know. But she opposed their marriage and gave him grief for many many years. And my father was very hurt and very insulted. Um and uh I remember you know everybody gives advice based on their own experiences and when I was engaged he says to me whatever you do don't live with your parents or your in-laws get your own place even if it's a tiny little place you know you don't want to feel like you're says when I got married I lived with uh your mother's mother her father had already passed away when she was a teenager you know and I I did whatever I could to get out of there and get my own face. Uh very hard, very hard um uh to do it. But I never knew this. In fact, I remember one time she came to visit and uh and one of my brothers didn't want to come out of his room and he said, "She's your grandmother. You know how many years you're going to have a grandmother? You go out there right now and you say hello." I didn't know that that he had such problems with her because he he shielded us from that. So if everyone's on the same page, then it's great. Problem is when they're not, right? So sometimes, especially when a parent is elderly or sick or needy and they're depending on a particular kid and the spouse is not bad, it's very difficult, very difficult thing to balance. So, um, I'm going to give you a piece of advice that's easier said than done. And sometimes I give advice and people say me easier said than done. I said everything is easier said than done except for that's the only thing that's easy just as easy to say it is to do it. But everything else is easier said than done of course. And that is that you have to learn how to develop good conversational techniques and um uh to try to executives know how to do this. How how to steer a conversation towards a conclusion. Now I say easier said than done because there are certain people who will not be steered. They barely stop for breath. There is no break in the conversation. So the only thing I can suggest you do at that point is put the phone on uh speaker and do what you have to do. I've had people like that who would keep me on the phone for a very long time. I'd put the phone on the speaker and I would do whatever it is I had to do because uh I just don't have that many hours in a day and I have other obligations and I have other things I need to do. So you have to be realistic. Yeah. I'm going to tell you something else um that is very important. You have to data because somebody said to me once there are certain people when they're ready to walk out the door suddenly the phone rings and it's somebody that you have to take the call and uh you're stuck. So uh so when that happens you know okay now you miss getting to seder I miss getting to this yeah you know um husbands will often find that their wives want to discuss a very important issue just when they're about to walk out the door to go to a minion to go to a shir to go to work whatever it is that that moment in that sudden and so you have to learn how to balance that you have to learn how to you know without the other person feeling insulted saying this is a very important topic. I don't want to rush it because I have to go now. But you know it's tonight we're going to talk this through and make sure you know and uh if you can do that but I mean I have certain people I say okay I really have to go now and they just keep talking and you know sometimes I have no choice. I have to just end the conversation abruptly because they don't get it. Not everybody gets social cues and you have to figure out how to do it. So um I I've told this story over beforehand that when the twin towers went down but mushi was telling anybody who would listen that this is the end this is go the beginning of go I said to him at the time I was teaching in I said so usually these people come in and we slowly get them to take class and to keep shabas so should I tell them like time's up you better become from now because it's over you know so he gave me a look and then when I was leaving he said we have to do what we have to do up here in your head. You have to know and so when it comes to respecting parents the main thing is I can never treat my parents with disrespect. I may not always be able to do everything that they want. Right? None of my parents are alive, but I did, you know, certainly the best I can to be a constant disappointment to them in almost everything that I did, every decision I made, everything I did. Constant disappointment, but I did the best that I could. Not true. Not true. I'm lying. Yeah. If I could go back and live my life over, I would have been a much better son. But I spent a lot of time fetching like every kid does about their parents, you know. You know, okay, they weren't the easiest people in the world. My father had one educational technique that was to take off his belt and beat you. You know what I mean? Uh when he was verbally abusive, that was already positive. But there was no beatings. And uh but okay, listen, he gave me life. He did he he he he sent me to yeshiva you know bought me clothes gave me a roof over my head bought me a car he did so many things for me you know my whole life and uh you know I fetch cuz that's what kids do you know if if I if I could be my adult self and go back I obviously would have done things differently so we have to up here have kib we have to have constant respect for our parents whether or not we can do everything that we need to do um that obviously we need to negotiate and especially if you know husbands and wives have to be on the same page when we do this and that's why there are certain people um where I've seen this where either the girl's parents are abusive to the boy or vice versa and they say I'm not going there I will not go I'm not going to go and be abused and uh either the wife or the husband go separately go alone. Sometimes they tell their parents. They say, "How come how come she didn't come? Why didn't she come? How come he's not here?" Says, "Because you treat him poorly and he doesn't want to come." Ah, cry baby. Tell him to toughen up. Okay, that's an approach, you know. Um, but uh, okay, I understand. I understand if people want to be, you know, difficult, etc. But that's we need to negotiate it. They're our parents and we need to do the best that we can to try to do it. Ideally the spouse also you know one of the teaches us also in-laws and we should be them and as best as we can you know a person has to make that effort and it's hard sometimes but uh if a meaningful life was easy everybody would do it and that's it for this week. If you want to find out more about the show, you can go to my website reality.com and you can ask a question, leave a comment, sponsor an episode, please. We're almost out of sponsors. Um, you can sponsor a question and answer. You can question sponsor part five. Is that five? I'm I'm doing the Vulcan salute for some reason. Yeah, part five. Um, you can sign up for one of the online shiram. And that's it. Until next time, I am David Olowski and this has been the Rabbi Olowski Show. [Applause] [Music] It's the Rabbi Orlovski Show. Torah and Sima, ready to go. The Rabbi Orlovski Show. Knowledge and wisdom will help you grow. Lots of fun in every episode. And we don't have to rhyme, no. It's the Rabbi Orlavski show on Rabbi Olowski.com. Torah anytime, YouTube and more. It's the Rabbi Orski show and ready to go. It's the Rabbi Orlowski show. Till next time till we meet again. The Rabbi Orski show. It's the Rabbi orski show. It's the Rabbi orski show.