How Do You Practically Make A Cheshbon Hanefesh?

Hi, this is David Olawsky with my question and answer series. >> [music] >> Anonymous asks, "How do you practically make a cheshbon hanefesh?" This is a excellent question. I remember when I was teaching in seminary, I was teaching Mesillas Yesharim. And then when you come to perek gimmel, he talks about how to make a cheshbon hanefesh. And a few of the girls said that some of the other rabbis in the school said you shouldn't make a cheshbon hanefesh today because it'll just depress you. I said, "Gee, that's a real problem because Mesillas Yesharim says that unless you do, you will never become a zakher. You will never beat your yetzer hara. You will never defeat the rah in you and go any place. So, if they're telling you not to do it, yeah, then they're doing it wrong." So, Ella what? You have to know how to do it. If you don't know how to do it, then of course, you could be doing it wrong. The reason people get depressed when they do a cheshbon hanefesh is because they're not doing a cheshbon hanefesh. What they're doing is thinking about every bad thing that they've ever done and obsessing over it. And that of course will make them depressed and not get them anywhere. That's not a cheshbon hanefesh. I'm going to give you two ways of doing a cheshbon hanefesh and this is from practical experience. I do myself. When Mayor Koch was mayor of New York, every now and then he would ride the subways in the morning and he would just say to average New Yorkers, "How am I doing?" And some might say, "Oh, you're doing very well, Mr. Mayor." Others might say, "I think you're doing a terrible job." And he'd say, "Why?" And he'd say, "This is then and then take out this and such and such." A general "How am I doing?" When Teddy Kollek was mayor of Jerusalem, ev- the first thing he would do every morning is drive throughout the city, different sections of the city, and just look around. And he'd see, "Oh, that that's broken. This has to be fixed. Here's a pothole." And he would sit there with his secretary and make a list of all the things that had to be done as he drove around just to look around and see, "How am I doing?" "How am I doing?" That's a general one. Before you go to sleep at night, you should do a general cheshbon hanefesh. "How am I doing?" What was really good today? What was not so good today? Just I'm not I'm not looking to solve anything. I'm not looking to beat up on myself. Just a general thing. How was today? "How am I doing?" It shouldn't take more than a minute. Two minutes if you think slowly. Is that But otherwise, it shouldn't take more than that. It's just a general how I'm doing. Now, practically how you do a cheshbon hanefesh to actually make changes in your life. I'm basing this on the Safer Cheshbon Hanefesh, only I'm adapting it a little bit. Uh let's ex- let's explain more or less the ma'alah. Let's take something that you want to work on. You forget to daven. All right? Happens. Or even if you do daven, you don't daven with a minyan. And you want to daven with a minyan. It's a value to you. It's important to you. So, what do I do? Very interesting thing. Before you go on a diet, what they'll often tell you to do is eat normally for a week and just write down what you eat. Everything you you eat, write it down. Just to get an idea of what's going on. I always advise people, if you're going to start a diet, before you start the diet, weigh yourself. Cuz some people don't weigh themselves until like a week into the diet and they, you know, may have already lost a few pounds and they don't even realize it. And they're not going to see as much loss as they go along. So, always at the beginning, figure out what you're doing. So, here's the cheshbon hanefesh. When I was younger here in Israel, they used to have these little pocket calendars that fit right into your shirt pocket. They used to, you know, uh just it was a week on two days. Yeah? So, I used that for my cheshbon hanefesh. Today, I'm sure everybody would use their phone, but that's what I used to do. So, let's say you want to work on davening. So, write on every day, shin mem ayin, shma. It's good for two reasons. First of all, this way nobody knows what you're writing. Second of all, it's convenient. Shacharis, mincha, maariv. If you daven, give yourself a check. If you daven with a minyan, give yourself two checks. Don't do anything. Just write it down. At the end of the month, you look at your "How did I do this month?" And you say, "Okay, I davened mincha six times and I missed 24 times." Now, if you look at the 24 times, you're going to get depressed. But I don't. I say, "This is the metzius." Why? Cuz people say, "I didn't daven at all. I didn't daven mincha at all." No, it's not true. You did it six out of 24 times. So, you're you're getting somewhere. What's that? 15%. My goal next month is to break that number. That's it. So, I go the next month, just from writing it down, not doing anything else, I'm up to 10 times. Next month, I'm up to 12 times. Next month, I'm up to 15 times. Next month, I'm down to 14 times. Next month, 13 times. Next month, 15 times. I have now reached a plateau. This is very common. But just by having a consciousness, doing a cheshbon hanefesh, and keeping track of what I'm doing, I was able to increase uh double the amount of times that I was davening mincha. Just by writing it down. Now I plateaued. So, now I need a Now I need a trick. Okay? Um I need somebody to remind me. I need somebody to call me. I was once speaking to a rebbe of mine and he says, "Don't laugh." And right across from him on he hung this gigantic sign that said mincha and put it on the wall across from him. He says, "Sometimes I get so involved in a conversation, I miss mincha. I want to make sure that I see it right in front of me." Okay, have somebody call me. Um uh you know, um I try to set my schedule, whatever it is. Okay? Next month, 16 times. Month after that, 18 times. Month after that, 20 times. Month after that, 19 times. Month after that, 21 times. Month after that, 20 times. I plateaued again. Okay, so now I got to go a little deeper. What's going on? I see I usually miss on Tuesdays. I understand because the rest of the week I'm around, but Tuesday I'm running around. Okay, so I have to work specifically on Tuesdays to make sure I get those done. I have to try this. I have to try that. All right? Eventually, you're going to reach the point where you're getting 28 checks. And I have to tell you, just giving yourself that check is a thrill. I'm somewhere between 28 and 30. That's it. I more or less have beaten this. Now, what do you do? For the rest of your life, every time you daven mincha, give yourself a check. Cuz it's very easy to slip back. It's part of our nature. And so, you have to keep your consciousness. So, I gave you something practical like davening mincha, but what about uh lashon hara? So, lashon hara, you might need another paper for this. Every time you speak lashon hara, you give yourself an X. And every time you wanted to speak lashon hara and you didn't, give yourself a check. And each day, write down the X's and checks. And the goal is the same exact thing, to get more checks than X's. That's all. Let's say I'm working on a middah, anger. So, every time I lose my temper, I give myself an X. No, every time I lose my temper, I give myself two X's. Every time I wanted to get very angry, but I didn't do it, I was just I I was but I'm seething and didn't say anything, give yourself one X. And if I let it go, give yourself a check. And just keep track of that. And by this method, you can la'at la'at be metaken every middah and every mitzvah that you have during the course of your day. Hatzlacha. This is David Olawsky with the question and answer series.