Speak Nicely! (Ep. 327)

Hi, this is Evowski. Welcome to the Rabbi Galowski show. And whether you watch with our friends and producers over at Tor anytime or wherever you watch and listen to your podcasts, as always, I am thrilled to have you along for the experience. And if it applies to your platform, do not forget to like, subscribe, share, and comment. Oh my gosh, I remembered all of those. Um, and uh, a reminder, you can go to revolki.com to our merch section. We've got sweatshirts, we got mugs, we've got aprons. Um, you know, there was some people who watched uh, our um, episode on the Rabbi Pesak program. And there is a Rabiolski Pesak program mug. So if you want to fool people into thinking you were there, you can get the Rabiolowski mug and then watch the podcast, find out what happened, and then you could pretend that you were there in the history making first annual uh Rabbi Arlowski family Pesak program. So yeah, and also by the way uh the merch section is a work in progress. So, if you have any suggestions of other stuff that you think we should have, Rabiolofski pens, Rabiolofski caps, Rabbi Olowski tites, Rabiolski Yarmicas, uh, Rabiolovski burgers and fries, you know, and eventually with your Raviolski mug, you'll be able to buy me a cup of coffee. I don't know how that works, but I'm just waiting for it because I'm sitting here desperately waiting for a cup of coffee. Look, there's nothing in here. And sponsor for this episode are our good friends. When I say good friends, I don't mean only my own personal good friends. I actually did one of my shirim from their home, but they're in my shurim and uh friendly with their families back from the old days. as a for incredible for two sisters never married in their 40s ala baso. I ask all of the Rabbi show family to please say both Hashem should send their perfect matches to them quickly. And what can I tell you? I gave to somebody um from the time she was 20 she was she was uh um in shidim and I kept giving and finally at 42 she got married she's got two beautiful children so I have talked about this many times this is the seventh year of the podcast and Um, that's uh over 300 episodes. It's a lot of talking. And uh, as I often do, I stop beforehand and I'll say to my wife, "What should I talk about?" And if she has no ideas, uh, I'll call other people, talk to other people. What do you think I should talk about? Sometimes it's easy, sort of built in, you know. So my wife said, "Look, you know, you just had three podcasts where all you did was complain. You had the complaining podcast where you just complained about everything. And then you had the Michelle Kmanas one where you complained about everybody's Michelleas. And then you had the one where you complained about the person who complained about your mash one and thought that you shouldn't complain about it and you complained about him. So why don't you say something nice? And I have to say that completely threw me off. That never even occurred to me. Say something nice. What a novel concept. So let me put it into perspective. We are in the time of spir which is the time that takes us from hari no it doesn't do that takes us from to hari it takes us in this process where we have to be makidos and that is of course the of voda during ye to makin ourselves we've spoken in the past about the measorim and how they're used we've spoke about some of the individual ones in the past. So, it's a very important concept and one of the important concepts is and my wife is 100% right is the way you talk. There's a way that you talk. You talk like a yid. So, this involves a number of different things. One is what the Gammor calls um lush nika and there are people who will tell you that if you use bad words that it's nibble pair it's not nlp is talking about inappropriate things even if you don't use any bad words but using bad words that's called not using lushian nucky And the Garra discusses what that means. Why? Because it starts off the Garra by talking about why does it say light? Because it really means night. But we don't want to say night because that's not a nice lush. Not a nice word to use, which is uh an amazing concept. Yeah, there are obviously certain words that uh should not be said in polite company. They have unfortunately moved into polite company. Um politicians today, actors, everybody seems to use foul language. Dave Barry, who writes a humor column, used to write a humor column out of the uh Miami Herald, um wrote a column once about how um people use bad words because they're not clever enough to say anything else. And it's amazing. There are comedians who that's their entire thing. They just use a bad word and everybody laughs. how cheap, how how grotesque. And that's what when you find a a comedian who does what's called observational humor and is able to talk without using any bad words, without talking about anything inappropriate, you're you're you laugh and you're amazed. Yeah. I had a tufa when I used to sell cassette tapes of my shirm and uh and the father told me he says my kid isn't into anything. He doesn't listen doesn't go to shirum stop going to school doesn't do anything but he listens to your tapes and he says cuz they're so funny and he looks me and he says and yet he's so clean. Thank you very much for that one. But uh people use terrible words. Now when I was in America, I was running NCSY and I was involved in cure and as Solanto said, the broom that sweeps gets dirty. And there's no question about it that my standards slipped from what would normally be considered acceptable. Yeah. In fact, um there's a few words that America even before things have disintegrated that uh are not considered necessarily bad words anymore. uh one of course is a different spelling for the Hoover Dam and the other one is for a helicopter right so these two words people use even back then in polite conversation 1980s they weren't considered bad words I came to shell and uh my plan was to learn for three years and then go back into Rabonus I wanted to move on to a new phase in my life I felt I had more or less um gone as far as I could as an NCSY regional director and uh I wanted to develop myself more. I fig I'd focus on practical more and then go into Raonus. I later said I made a terrible mistake. It took me three years just to learn how to act like a Jew again because you're I couldn't sit through a daring because you're in a shabaton the whole time you're looking around. What's this kid doing? What's that kid doing? Where's going over here? What's going there? No one come to me and say they made a mess in the bathroom. I run in and clean out the bathroom. You know, you don't want any of the, you know, the Miss Palum to go in there and say, "Oh my gosh, this place is a mess. we shouldn't have a shabatone anymore. You know, you just deal with putting out fires. And so just to be able to sit and concentrate, it's very hard. Lush and horror. There's no lush and horror when you're working in a cub organization because everything is Alice because you have to know what's going on with every kid and you have to know what's happening and what happened. What's with this, what's with that? And you you have to really learn when you when you live on the battlefield how to come back to real life. Uh soldiers um sleep with their boots on and all dressed and ready to jump up in a moment's not notice and and they and when they come back home it's hard for them to adjust to real life again and figure out how to live a regular person, live like a regular mench. and people working career. It's the same thing to move out of that you know uh mode of where everything is a disaster and you have to be on top of everything. It's very hard. You have this this uh energy that that is demanded of you to be everywhere at the same time and take care of everything. It's a tremendous pressure. Tremendous pressure and things slip. the way you speak, the way you act, all these kind of things very hard, very hard to maintain it. Ritzk Rosenberg, at one point he was national director of NCSY. And in my region, we used to have ongoing educational classes for the advisers. They were all volunteers and they volunteered their time to come to talks that would increase their professionalism and ability to work with kids. So Ed Rosenberg came once and he said something that I don't know who came up with the observation the first time. The expression goes a it's theim and mahim. Now, since of course I have people who don't speak Hebrew and may not be so knowledgeable and sometimes non-Jews who are watching the show, I think it's important to explain this concept. The paraduma is a paradox. It's the red hepher that you burn the ashes and then you put some of the ashes in natural spring water and you spritz it on somebody who's come into contact with the dead person who's tummy. And when you spritz it on that person, he becomes taha, ritually pure. And the person who spritzes him, he becomes tame. It's a paradox. So the purum, the red heer ashes makes the person who's tame ritually impure pure and it makes the person who's pure impure. So they say that's NCSY. If a person is not religious, it inspires them. If a person is religious, it exposes them to all kinds of bad things. Okay, I don't know who the wit was who made this observation originally. So Rosenberg quoted it and he said it's true. And he said, "Therefore, what? Nobody should do the paradum. Nobody should spritz anybody and help them become to because you're going to become tummy." The Torah says you'll become T and then go to the mikvah. You'll come back to the Mak and you'll yourself and you'll purify yourself. And it's very important when you expose yourself to these different kind of things that you uh you have a foundation. You bring yourself back together. Make sure you maintain your standards in your own life. People don't people think that once I'm living this biddy existence for you're supposed to do it all the time. When I left NCSY Rabbi Butler thought it was just a phase and I would come back. He says so I'm going to give you a job and we're going to pay you so that I keep you on salary because I know you're going to get tired of this learning thing after a year and I want to make sure when you come back you come back to NCSY. So he gave me a job to train advisors in Israel that when they come back, they're learning in Israel. When they come back, they'll um become advisers in NCSY. And so your job is to go around to the yeshivas and seminaries and identify people and teach them skills. So I did. I went around speaking in lots of different schools and at the uh end of the year I said I will make a shabatone for everybody who's interested. So the Israel center which was run by the OU here in Israel said we already make a Shabaton for the boys and girls living in Israel so you could just join with ours. So I said, "Well, tell me about your shabatone." They said, "Well, it's co-ed." I said, "No, I'm not making a co-ed Shabbatone for boys who are learning yeshiva and girls who are learning in seminary." He says, "If you make it separate, nobody will come." I said, "How many people come to your Shabatau now?" About 40. He says, "If you made it separate, do you think maybe there are people who will come because it's separate and won't come because it's co-ed?" They said to me, "No." I said, "So, let's do an experiment. You do your co-ed Shabbatone and I will do a Shabatone just for girls and just for boys." The one just for girls, I got 60 girls. The one just for boys, I got a hundred boys. They had to cancel theirs because they had no participation. So while I was making the shabatone for the girls at each meal, the girls would start singing smeariros and I would walk outside. I was the only male there and I I went outside while they were singing. So the time shall came around one of the girls said to me why do you leave during zirus I said because it's coisha you're not allowed to listen to women singing says yes but there's the heter of the day it's the only anybody knows where he gave a heter for kirv for boys and girls to sing together. So I said that's a heter for kirv. If I'm training you to be advisors then you shouldn't need kirv already yourself. The girl said yeah but when we have a shabatone all the rabbis stay in when we sing. I said that's a kasha that's not a ter. It's a question on your rabbis. That's not a that's not a question on me. So one of the girls there said I asked one of the rabbis once and they said the three and I asked him your question that isn't that only for Kir and they said well we think this is Kir. So I said I'm not interesting in being m the adviserss the adviserss have to maintain standards and then you're with the kids. Okay, you need you need certain things. But for your own life, you have to live at Mahadra and Mahadra. You don't cut corners. And of course, when you I had a shabatone every week from Sukus to Pesak and I was constantly running around every single chabas and you're living a somewhat bi existence. So as I mentioned uh the h word and the dword people would you know use it like it was nothing. I will tell you a rashiva who I heard using these words as well. I won't tell you his name but I'll tell you there was a rashiva I heard using these words too because they're not even considered you know curse words today. Anyway, I came on a pilot trip to Israel and they asked me to speak in the yeshiva and afterwards he says to me Davidid this is a yeshiva we don't use those words the here I'll tell you the truth I wasn't even conscious of it I didn't even think about it so I worked on it and I remember a few years later I spoke in this yeshiva And one of the older AAM came over to me and said, "How do you feel comfortable saying h e c k?" I said, "You know how long it took me not to say h e ll?" But of course, the words heck and darn are just clean versions of those two words that people should not use. And so they're just the same words. It's just, you know, you cleaned it up a little bit. I didn't think about it. And it took me a while to excise those words for my vocabulary as well because I clearly lacked that level of sensitivity. The Garim says, "Don't use the word night. That's not nice." We don't have the Garra doesn't like to use the word for a pig. It calls it da and even that's not nice to say and it tells a story about two talmid who were coming out of a long shar and it was exhausting and one of them said I'm as exhausted as a goat. Now I don't understand what that means. I I don't know what a goat does that makes him so exhausted. But he says I was exhausted as a goat. And the other one said, "I'm exhausted as a da." He didn't even say pig. He said nice word for pig. I'm exhausted as a pig. So every heard this and he said, "A guy who can speak like that after a toir, nothing will come of him and the other one will achieve greatness." And he did. But how could you say something like da which in my case would have been h a c k. But uh sensitivity it's the way you talk. Yeah. Words that you use. They were giving out the lema upon him to the kohanim. Everybody got a very tiny little piece. So one guy says I got a piece the size of a lentil. And one guy says,"I got a piece the size of a bean." And one guy says, "I got a piece the size of a lizard's tail." And the kohhan was shocked. You could say that about the upon him. It can't be that he's a coh. And they checked into his and it turned out he wasn't really a coh. So Cohen could never speak about the lema upon him that way because there's a way that you speak that that's appropriate. And and the says the Torah went out of its way to stress this in parak where it says you will bring from the animals that are pure and from the animals that are not pure. Didn't want to say impure. They want to say something that nice to teach us. You always use proper terms. When my kids grew up, they knew there were two words we never used in our house. Shut up and stupid. And that's when my kids got angry and they wanted to say a bad word, they'd say, "You're a stupid shut up." Those were like the worst words they could imagine. We don't say that in our house. They're not nice words. I remember reading a biography of Teddy Roosevelt and when he wanted to insult somebody, he called them a swine. And he says, and the way he said it, it sounded like a curse. You're a swine. But he had a way of saying it that was just so insulting. So a person does not speak in a way that's inappropriate. Somebody called up from Mosha Finstein once was yelling and screaming at him. And when the phone call finished, I mean, everyone could hear it because it was so loud. And when it finished, he said, "Thank you very much for your phone call." And he hung up. And his son says, "Thati, how could you sit there and listen to him talk to you that way?" He says, "What was I supposed to do?" says, "Hang up the phone." He says, "Hang up the phone on somebody." Oh, I could never do that. You sit there. There's an insane person out there, Lee be that he listens to every podcast because he's he just knows everything about me. He's just he's just he he he's really he he needs to be in an institution and medicated. I don't know. There's something wrong with him. He used to call up and pretend to be different people. I mean, you know, I I always recognized him, you know, but he would make up names and make up places and that after a while he would give up and he would just call up and scream and yell at me and curse me, you know. After a while, I I I wasn't getting anywhere. I told him at one point I said, "You you really need help, you know, see a professional. There's something wrong with you. It's unhealthy per, you know, obsession. So after a while when he would call, I just hang up because I didn't want to encourage him. I always feel bad that I'm hanging up on him. So I think next time he calls, I'm just going to put the phone in a drawer and let him scream and yell and curse for as long as he wants until he gets tired and I'll hang up. You know, maybe that'll be uh cathartic for him, help him get it out of his system. But what what's the point? What are you trying What do you think you're going to do? and call me up and curse me out and scream and yell at me and then I'm going to change my positions or something crazy. It's crazy. I don't know. Can't explain it. But um but to but to speak in this way now I have been criticized for the way I speak rightfully so. Morai Kornfeld who I quoted on my show um because he was the one who told me that tremendous with the seven makirin how they correspond to the seven yum totem that's the seven liquids that make something able to become tame and how they correspond to the seven holidays. So, um, he said to me once, "I like listening to your toyra, but you have such an edge." I said, "I think that's why people listen. I a lot of people like me out there." So, my wife says, "Okay, but talk about speaking nicely." And she's right. She's 100% right. I'm not I I'm I'm not justifying what I do. Yeah, I uh I I grew up in a house where people have a rough way of speaking and uh and it uh and it slips and it permeates. What can I tell you? You know, you pick it up. You pick up habits, ways of speaking, you know, and you don't even realize it. Just becomes part of you. So the garra says lashika is you speak you know with proper words don't say anything that could be interpreted as hurtful and if you know um big people big people they're very careful when they talk to you how they speak and what they say they don't speak in a derisive manner they don't in this insult ing they always speak with respect. They treat people with respect. So I read you from the haraman which sent to his son. Right. That's a This is his first piece of advice to his son. Always speak softly. Every type of a person all the time. And through this you will avoid getting angry. This is the terrible mid that causes people to sin. When a person gets angry, every type of every type of heck has control over him. Remove anger from your heart. and you'll remove evil from your body. And that's so the first piece of advice he gives is speak nicely. He doesn't add on Teddy Roosevelt speak softly and carry a big stick. He doesn't say carry a big stick. Speak softly. And uh we all know people who no matter how agitated we come, they don't mirror our behavior. It's a thing in psychology that we tend to mirror people's behavior. My father would scream. He claims he never screamed. He would holler and he would yell at me and I would speak back to him. And he said to me, "What are you yelling for?" I said, "You're yelling at me." "No, I talk loudly." Now, that's also true, but you could tell the difference. And people who stay calm, it's much they speak softly. It's much more likely that they're not going to lose their temper and get upset. And once you lose your temper, you've lost everything. And I speak from experience because um it's part of my nature. Somebody said to me once, "What's it like to get angry? I've never gotten angry in my life. I don't even know what it's like." I was born angry. As a little kid, I had temper tantrums. It was just part of my nature. I I give an online shear and somebody there is a psychologist. And uh and she says, "It's it's part of your ADD. Makes people uh lose it. Could be, could be you get very excited. But if you are careful to always speak slowly, you won't get upset. I had a brother who knew how to push everybody's buttons and he would get me very angry for a very long time. And it took me a long time to figure out how to deal with him. I would never argue with him and I would always speak very slowly and quietly and no matter how agitated he became I always spoke softly and slowly and that avoided us getting into fights. And it's unnatural for me cuz I'm a New Yorker and I talk very fast. That's the way we talk. I do not speak as fast as Pesak who is absolutely amazing but I do speak faster than Rabbi Wine and Rabbi Fran. So I do tend and the more you talk the more animated you become and agitated you become and you can work yourself into a fine lather. That's a that's a great expression. Work yourself into a fine lather and uh once you're not in that kind of control you can get upset and once you're upset you can say anything you want. So all of this changes if you talk bakas. So I read you from the masilarum which of course I have an online shir and I did this not that long ago in Shir that's why I remember it. It's an anova which is in one of the har levels. Mash goes by levels based on the bryer Torah de Zahirus deesus brings you the nas brings you the precious and then anov one of the highest levels and uh and he says what's an anav and an anav is somebody who understands that I'm not really anybody and I shouldn't expect anything. It's interesting. The nardic school of Musa focused very much on what's called Bhayesh. It means canceling out yourself and focusing on the fact that I'm really nothing. And uh Hill Davis in the fire within about the Muslim movement. He writes that in Europe the narcas were the happiest people around because what gets us angry is people are mafia and are covered. People speak to us disrespectfully, treat us disrespectfully. But a person who doesn't get upset because I don't expect anything. I don't expect anybody to speak to me nicely. So, I already decided I'm nothing. During one period of my life when I was being attacked online, I've actually been killed three times online and I found out that it's sort of like a video game. You just come back again. You know, you can't really kill anybody online. Just feels that way. So this one guy was attacking me and he goes, "Who do you think you are? You're nothing but a third rate seminary teacher." So I wrote, "That's not an insult. That's a job description." He goes, "Yeah, you don't know anything that." I said, "Yeah, it's really true." He said some other nasty comment. I said, "Listen, there's nothing that you can say that's going to be worse than what my rebellum used to say to me." And so that's it. you can't, you know, you can't make me feel bad. And then he writes, "Stop putting yourself down." He wanted me to build myself up so that he could tear me down. You know, I don't care. People say insulting comments and insult you and okay, call me names. You know, it says much more about the person who's speaking that way to you than it does to you. For those of you who haven't been following, they have this exciting thing going on calling the podcast wars. And you have reasonable people making reasonable points like uh Ben Shapiro and um and uh Mark Levvin and um um Victor Davis Hansen and uh Scott Jennings and they they all talk basically quietly and make their points etc. On the other side, on the lunatic fringe, of course, you have Tucker Carlson at the lead, followed by Candace Owens, right? And uh right behind them now is Mangan Kelly. She decided to join it. And when they attack the people on the other side, they make personal insulting attacks. Yeah. So they call him Little Ben. He's 5'8. I don't know. So 5'8, I think. 510, I don't remember. It's not that short. And they'll make some other obscene comments. They never attack these people because of immutable characteristics. They make fun of them because of what they say because their their ideas are ridiculous and um and that's what drives them into a frenzy. But a person who's an unavo manifest it in a number of ways. That's way before the ram. You should always talk nicely to people. The words of when said with quiet are heard. Your words should always be words that build people and are positive and never insulting words. A lot of educators out there who need to over this line in someone who insults his friend or says demeaning words to his friends is missing hearts. When a Russia comes, there are insulting words. That's the nature of it. It's just it's just part and parcel of a Russia. They can't help themselves. They speak in a disgusting demeaning way. I was diving in. I usually sit at the front table. There were a few seats in front of me for the overflow crowd. Okay. So this uh young fellow appeared to be very newly married sits down right in front of me. He came in late. I don't know if he was there for the laning even but he came in late and he sits down. His friend from the back of the shaw comes up to schmoo with him. The two of them were smoozing. Okay we were done with the laning. So they were making mish they were you know doing whatever they were doing. Okay, it's okay. So fine. Then they start the basra and they're still talking and then they start the ha and I said, "Excuse me, I can't hear." So the single guy went back to the back of the shaw and the married guy turns to me and I was definitely old enough to be his father at the time and he looks at me and he goes, "Oh I looked at him and I quoted a Mishna and peros people are people who are brazen face go to heck. Oanim and he turned around. My son-in-law was in the shore and he says, "I am so glad he didn't answer you back cuz I see you were just warming up." And I said, "I was I had a lot more to say. I'm glad he stopped when he stopped." That's the way you talk to somebody who Sakal asked you not to talk during Davening such a so brazen so you talk that way I when I was growing up we never talked to our parents' friends by their first name. It was Mr. to this or Mrs. that or miss this. We never never called an adult by their first name. Nevertheless, to turn around and and give lip to one of them. If they didn't smack you in the face, your parents would have. What's wrong with you? How do you talk to an adult that way? So I said it very calmly. I was put him the way you talk. That's how Russia talks. Russia comes in and starts saying nasty things and insulting things and and and and uh you know and a person who says positive words they change the situation. I have told this story, but it's one of my favorite stories. My brother Gdalia um is one of my personal heroes. And this is one reason why. This not the only reason, but this is one of the reasons. He went to a gateway shop and he got there a little late and all the front seats were taken. They were sitting in the back and these two people were talking the whole time and he can't hear the lane. Sort of like my story. He didn't say he said excuse me I can't hear the the said okay they stopped talking 2 minutes later they start again so my brother says to them listen you came to a gateway shabatone because you want inspiration you want don't talk during the lighting and they said no no you're right 2 minutes later they start again so my brother said and I got upset Now, when Olski gets upset, it usually, you know, like I do, and I'm one of the quieter ones in my family. And uh my brother says to him, I'm a cohane and in this of you not talking during doning, I give you a bra, you should have a large parnosa this year. And they stopped talking. At the end of Davening, one of them said to my brother, "You think all I care about is money?" To which I would have said, "Obviously, it was the only way I could get you to shut up." But my brother said, "No, I know somebody like you would know how to use the money gave you to help Cla." You hear that? That's lush and that's making a person feel like a million bucks and building him up. I was learning Yeshiva. I don't know if that's really a fair statement. I was in yeshiva. I wasn't doing too much learning because at the time I didn't know that I had dyslexia and that I had focusing problems and retention problems and ADD and all the other things that stopped me from being able to learn. But I kept trying because I was really sincere. And after about three years, I had enough. Now, I'd gone to different people and I said, "I'm not succeeding in learning." And they said, "That's because you're not trying hard enough. You don't care enough." And I I knew inside that wasn't true. But there was nothing I could do. Yeah. So, I finally went to and I said, "Look, I've been here for three years. I haven't succeeded in learning. I want to leave and uh I'll go into Khan. And Hanukkah looked at me and said, "I am so impressed. I could never have spent three years doing something I didn't enjoy." And he took this broken kid, stood him up, and made him feel like a million bucks. And then he gave me eights and he stayed in touch with me over the years. And uh he understood that it wasn't because I didn't care. It was just the opposite. It was something that was hurting me and stopping me. And he saw past it and he knew how to say words that would build. There are elementary school teachers I know cuz I have eight girls, you know, and they say, "Yeah, I put her in her place and I this and that." You that heard one of them say, "I broke that girl." I thought, "Great. You knew how to smash a fourth grader. I bet you're so proud of yourself. Go home and tell your children what a sadakus you are. I broke this kid." Anyone who's going to put somebody down better spend as much time building them back up afterwards and not pat yourself on the back. Look how strong I am. Look how powerful. Look what I did. Shame on you. Talk that way to a little kid. My son says to me, he went to an in the good old days. He says, "You get slapped in the face all the time." He says, "What does it take for a big guy to slap a little boy in the face? What's wrong with you?" A sick person does that. Yeah. Yeah. So, some people don't do that. They just destroy them with words and put them down and insult them. I had that most of my life. I took French for one year and uh the teacher thought it was so funny. She drew like, you know, ABC D, you know, and drew a line. This is sea level. And let's watch as Ravski, the little submarine, goes under the sea level. Oh, look. He's all the way at the bottom of the ocean floor. He's cruising. Oh, he comes up. No, now he's back. And this was her hat that she did in front of the whole class. I didn't say anything. I was in seventh grade. But boy did it stay with me to this day. Who does something like that? What's wrong with you? So I want to read you a story from a wonderful book. It's called Tales Out of Shul by Emanuel Feldman. One of the uh treasures of our generation. I had this to go with him to Romesh Shapiro Shir and uh so smart so real so on top of everything just really amazing and this is one of his books and it it's a collection of different stories and uh each one is a powerful lesson so I want to read you this one. It's on page 185 chapter 13 in case you want to look it up. Um, it's called, it's all in the translation. This is such a great story cuz you can picture it. During a stay in Jerusalem, I was asked by my rabbitic organization to sit in as an observer on the get proceedings of the Jerusalem beten rebbitical court. After a few days, the presiding rabbi asked me to serve as an interim translator for English-speaking Jews, appearing before the basin. One morning, an American gentleman appeared before them. He had been previously married, wanted now to get married again, but did not have the requisite Jewish divorce certificate with him. the prosiding rabbi, a scholarly but rather crusty gentleman in his 80s. That's probably the nicest way I've ever heard of somebody describing this guy who I can picture in a section. Crusty told him rather preempterily that he must go back and bring documentation of his religious divorce plus a letter from a rabbi that he had not been remarried since the date of the divorce. The next day, the gentleman appeared again before the court, this time with the papers. The presiding rabbi looked at it and said the letter was inadequate because it was l written in English and not in Hebrew. If your rabbi cannot write Hebrew, then his religious judgments are suspected. He snapped. Find a Hebrewing rabbi who can attest to your status. The American obviously unfamiliar with the labyrinth ways of Israeli bure bureaucracy and its impersonal demeanor which in American terms is seen as rudeness but in Israel is considered a normal aspect of social intercourse was very upset. He protested in English that he lived an hour from the court, had taken two buses to get here, had spent a great deal of time to obtain such a way letter, and waited hours for his case to be heard. Before he left, I calmed him down a bit and reassured him that it would all work out. The next day, he appeared before us once again, angry even before he came in. He tossed the new letter on the desk of the preciding rabbi itself a breach of good behavior, mumbling that he had to run over Jerusalem to obtain it. "This better be it," he said to the rabbi. The rabbi was in no mood to be trifled with. He examined the letter carefully and turned to me. Tell him that the letter itself is fine, but it is not dated and therefore I cannot accept it. is to go back to the rabbi and get it dated properly. I so informed the American, he exploded, "This is nuts. I'm not going through this again and again. You people are impossible. Why don't you get your act together and tell me all these things in advance instead of springing new problems on me each time I show up?" He emphasized his point by pounding his fist on the desk of the presiding rabbi. The rabbi was furious. He turned to me and said in Hebrew, "Tell him that for pounding on my desk in a courtroom, I have the power to send him to jail. Tell him for raising his voice to me, I can send him to jail. Tell him that if he says one more word, I will summon the court officer and send him to jail at once. Tell him." I turned to the man and said, "Sir, the rabbi is extremely sorry that you have been inconvenienced and he regrets the extra trouble you have been caused, but he has no choice in this matter because the documents are given are entered into your permanent file and for your own protection. They must be absolutely perfect." He therefore asks for your indulgence and patience. He apologizes for the extra trouble you have gone through. Tomorrow when you bring in the dated letter, just ask for me by name and we will see you without any waiting. Please do understand. A soft answer turns away wrath. Solomon writes in the book of Proverbs. The man was so taken back by the solicitor's words of the rabbi that he broke into a spiral and said, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow. I'm sorry I blew my top." The rabbi turned to me and demanded to know what he had said. He said that he was sorry he didn't get it right the first time. He would bring the dated letter tomorrow. You see, said the rabbi, if you're not firm with these people, they don't take you seriously. Why is that necessary? Why? Why talk like that? Why do you have to do that? You could say the same thing nicely with feeling, with understanding. I'm remembering back to my first time in art show officially there's a rule that you could not keep your private drinks in the yeshiva refrigerator but everybody did it was makubal and one Sunday morning someone from the yeshiva took everybody's drinks and poured them down the drain And people were very angry. They were very angry. Obviously, wasted their money. We were on pretty fixed budgets. And people said to him, "It's about Tashkas. It's this and that." And he just laughed at them. And I said to him, "It's okay to enforce the law. It's okay to enforce the rules, but why laugh at people? Why would you do that? I don't know if I made an impact, but you try. Now, okay, I've made it clear. I am a social critic. I do point out the foibless of society. I don't always say it in the calmst and most proper way. I don't always use the best words. But during these days when the of died why no zel they didn't treat each other with respect. Let us make that effort that when we speak to each other we use words that build and not words that destroy. We make words that make people feel good instead of making them feel foolish and insulted. And that's we should be anabal. Okay. And now some appreciation comments where I take a moment to read comments that listeners write in to say how much they appreciate me. And I appreciate your appreciation. And may you appreciate in value. I have only recently heard of your shior. Wow. What rock were you under? By the way, this happens to me all the time. I meet people, they say, "Who are you?" I am David Olowski. I'm very famous. I have to tell people because nobody seems to know. Thank you so much for the inspiration. I enjoy your show regularly. Now, regards from your nephew in Farakawway. Thank you so much, dear Rabbi Alavski. I just wanted to send you a message. Just thank you for the sher you're giving. The para in five is amazing. We met a few years ago when you visited the UK and spoke in Hasminian boy school in London. I was the head of Kesish and had the honor of introducing you. I'm so sorry. I I would have read this differently. I currently live in Manchester and teach in Bisako High School. I very much like your style and particularly the pasture in five. It's a real gem. I wish you continued in all your endeavors and optimum good health and look forward to hearing many more divoras hashem pip pip cheerio and all that sort of rot warst best wishes cats mchestera UK thank you so much that was beautiful and that's it for this week if you want to find out more about the show you can go to my website railowski.com and you Leave a comment, ask a question, sponsor a podcast, sponsor a uh question answer sponsor para 5. Um, don't forget about the merch store which you can get on my website, but uh revolki.com/merch. Order some nifty nifty revolki merch. You can sign up for one of our online sharim. And that's it for this week. Until next time, I am David Olowski and this has been the Rabbi Olowski show. >> It's the Rabbi Orlovski Show. Torah and Sima, ready to go. The Rabbi Olowski show. Knowledge and wisdom will help you grow. Lots of fun in every episode. And we don't have to rhyme. No, we don't. It's the Rabbi Orlavski show on rabbi orki.com to anytime you and more. It's the Rabbi Olavski show. Torah and ready to go. It's the Rabbi orski show. Till next time till we meet again. The Rabbi Olowski show. It's the Rabbi Show. It's the Rabbi Olowski show.