Living with Emunah (Part 358)

Booker toe. Welcome back to living with Amuna. I hope you've helped yourself to coffee, water, slushie, pastry's corner here at Bocarone Synagogue where we feed your body and nourish your soul. So please help yourself. Our series is generous generously sponsored by Dr. Zav and Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr. Brian Gabbid in memory of Bella's mother Dr. Ellen Chanzer and in honor of our holy soldiers. May they be safe and successful and may we welcome back all of the hostages. Please God, this morning she is sponsored by Sha Ferman in honor of her aliyah today. Wow, she's on a plane now. This year has been a continuous source of strength. Big mazavanum vulam. What an incredible fulfillment of the Jewish dream. Should all go smoothly and seamlessly and successfully and well and thank you for sponsoring this morning by the cone family with hoda to hashem for a beautiful life. I'm going to flex a little bit, but Shauna's on the plane, it says now for her aliyah. If you go on lal, it's somewhat buried. But if you go on the Torah classes and you press audio and general and then you'll see living with Amuna. So you could listen on Allah. So it's not an excuse, Shauna. Just because you're making aliyah, you think you have some excuse you're cutting out on amuna here. You can on Allah listen. And it's very good in the middle of the night when you took the sleeping pill and had three glasses of wine and it's all not working. Put on living with amuna tried and true. It's been proven. If you put on the listening with Amuna, doesn't matter which section of the plane you're sitting in, you will sleep like nobody's business. By the con family with Hashem for a beautiful life by Rain and Ellie Mendlesson in honor of Audrey's Bitzvah celebration. Big Mas from the amazing Audrey. Big M love and thank you to the menson anonymously with thanks to BRS for the for bringing for Sheriff Bas who introduced her to the to the shirim and the mash should celebrate and dance at a sima soon. So thank you to all the generous sponsors. Okay, I want to start out this morning with two diametrically seemingly opposed emails or ideas about amuna based on the events of what happened. What we woke up to tragically on Monday morning. I wrote an article yesterday um terrorism terrorizes it accomplishes its goal. The day that two evil wicked terrorists decided to open fire on a bus stop and took the precious lives of six holy souls. On that same do day we lost four precious soldiers in Gaza. Each irreplaceable each whose family's lives will be changed forever. 10 losses sustained in one day. We should all be feeling that unbearable pain as a consequence. But terrorism terrorizes that day. Two of my daughters who live in Israel, should I take the bus? I'm supposed to take the bus. I'm nervous to take the bus. It wasn't just those 10 or those injured. It was 10 million who live in Israel who were terrorized. But if you look at that scene, you see darkness and gloom. But if you look closer, you can see light and good. Whether it was the two heroes who didn't run away but ran towards and took out the terrorists and saved countless lives or the taxi driver if you saw this video who dodges bullets to open the back door and help an elderly woman out to be able to escape to safety. You can look at that scene and you can see evil and dark. Or you could look a little more carefully and you can see good and you can see light. They're both there and they're both true. But make sure that you don't neglect one without the other. And the article, just to give you a little spoiler alert, um that the article I published this week was there was a WhatsApp post someone who lives in Ramote who said that the person who ran towards and who shot and killed those two terrorists and saved countless lives. He sat next to Inul two years ago on Yam Noah. And last year, one of the six kadoshim who were murdered in cold blood, he sat next to him last year on Yam Noahim and Shul. And his point was you never know who you're sitting next to in there's no such thing as every Jew is holy. And so the article is once asked by a Talmed by a student the great Russ of the mir zatal what should I davin for on rash my health my wealth my parnasa children said what should I davin for and he answered with two words what should you davin for someone else. What should you davenin for? Someone else. So look around. Even though we tend to look in the moxer, our life lays in the balance. Don't look in the moxer to the exclusion of not looking around because you're not sitting next to a stamid. If you know that who you're sitting next to, god forbid, would be murdered in cold blood for being a Jew, this would you not look at them differently? If you knew who you were sitting next to was going to be a hero and save Claws, would you not look at them differently where you're sitting? So look at who you're sitting next to. So, I got the following email. Dear Gober, hope the email finds you well. I'm a longtime listener. Blah blah blah. Thank you for the kind words. Blah blah blah. Today was my first day back at work after maternity leave. So, I put on your most recent amir and began driving. Traffic started building up and the ways suggested an alternative route. You were talking about taking ownership and responsibility over our own lives. There have been many times in the past where I listened to ways and I wish I didn't. So, I decided to ignore the route that ways was saying was shorter and continue on my usual route. All in all, it took me three hours to get to work on my first day back. The rest of the drive there, I listened to your words. I did my best to embrace my place, not let this put a damper on my first day. I tried to internalize how can I recognize my mission for every moment. In this moment, who am I right now? I arrived two hours late, thinking I'd made the wrong decision, not listening to Ways. When my coworker told me there had been a terror attack at the remote junction, the exact route that We wanted me to take. I realized then that sitting in two hours of traffic is really where Hashem wanted me to be. I have a lot of for living with Amuna. Your words amir have guided me through different seasons of my life. Marriage and muim miscarriages and births. They guided me again today as I navigate returning to work and having my beautiful baby. Wishing you a meaningful el. So here she ignored ways and it turned out even though she regretted because it took her into more traffic. Ignoring ways and following her instinct and embracing her place in that traffic may have saved her life. What a miracle. She wasn't at that remote junction when that when that those terrorists opened fire. And I want to be very clear that is a powerful email. And I join and share in her sat gratitude to Hashem for guiding her or giving her that instinct to make a decision that may have saved her life. And no one is saying that living with amuna means to temper it or deny it or not say it. Of course you say it. Of course a person is saved from a dangerous situation. You say, "Wow, Hashem, you orchestrated and curated circumstances that things worked out well for me." Thank you. But what you've heard me say countless times, and what I'm opposed to is basing Amuna on those stories. And I want to tell you exactly why worked as a maintenance worker at Korea. He was standing at the bus stop with another staff member of the yeshiva. A man driving a car stopped and offered to take him to the yeshiva and both entered the car. At an unexpected moment, a person appeared and asked to join the ride. He needed urgent medical treatment at the hospital. Levi, who was already sitting in the car, got out to accommodate the request. Five minutes later, the horrific attack occurred and he was murdered. 57year-old had worked for years at Colto Yeshiva. He was in that He was in that car. He gave up his seat for someone else and it cost him his life. He was murdered. If you believe that the first story of not listening to ways is from Hashem, then you have to believe that the second story of giving up his seat and giving up his life is also from Hashem. You can't only tell the stories in one direction. And you can't base your amuna on when it all works out. Yes, that's amuna. When it works out, of course, it's Hashem. Those who survived the Holocaust, those who survived 911 coming up, those who survived October 7th, those whom Hashem were cured from cancer and illness, of course should thank Hashem for his providence and his love and guiding them towards salvation, towards recovery, towards good things. Of course, a suda benching thanking of course it's from Hashem. But don't base ammun hearing only the story of the person who missed the flight. What about the person who was waiting on standby and got on the flight? On the person who missed the remote junction? What about the person who had a ride away from the remote junction but gave it up for someone else and ended up costing his life? It's all Hashem, the good and the painful. That which we see his hand and that which we don't understand why he orchestrated things in such a way. And if we only base our amuna on the one direction, then when something happens in the other direction, we're going to walk away. We're going to give it up. It won't make sense. We won't see his guiding hand and we're going to be filled with questions and doubt. So, we have to know going in. And that's why we try to learn together and grow together in the way in which we say. And I ask people, don't just send me the emails where it all works out wonderfully. In our family hashka WhatsApp group, we don't just put in and then the teacher didn't show up and I hadn't studied and it worked out perfectly and then I got the parking spot and then it turns out that the lunch was ser I asked my kids and I try also to put ink we open the car door and it knocked off someone's mirror. How is that? I don't know but it was also it's also first of all thank you for taking the time to respond to my early email. I want to share an Amuna moment that has definitely resulted in listening to Shir last night. A motorist clipped the mirror off my car, my new car, causing the back shield to fall off. The driver drove off, threw a red light. So, I was unable to follow up with him and get his details. Usually, I would have been so upset, especially as my new car, and given the circumstances of the last few weeks, but I was amazed to see that my immediate thoughts were thankfully nothing worse happened, no one got hurt. It reminded me of one of your podcasts I listened to recently. You shared stories of driving incidents and the author's responses without a shadow of a doubt these stories gave me the strength and perspective from my little incident and I am immensely grateful. That's the power of our movement. It's the power of our sheer. It's the power of what we're doing. And if you're listening online, God bless you. More power to you. Thank you. We have some new people today who drove all the way across town to be here. Thank you. It means a lot to me. I hope you realize and feel that being with other people and feeling their energy and growing and learning and working on it together is totally different than while you're cooking, while you're shopping, while you're working out in the background having it playing as background noise. But you see the power and I'm not saying it's my p. All I do is read emails and read someone else's Torah text and have the privilege, but it's not mine. And it helps me maybe more than anyone else. So that yes, someone clipped off your mirror. And instead of indulging what would have been our reaction and response, anger, rage, revenge, resentment, you say, "Okay, I wasn't meant to have that mirror on my car." It's possible, I'm telling a story, maybe not in my home, that someone was supposed to watch the kalas that went into the oven and they forgot and therefore they came out a little burnt. And it's possible it didn't work out so well. And you said the kalas are the way they were meant to be. It's possible that did not go over so well. Hypothetically, theoretically, I'm not suggesting you try it at home, risking your own life. When it comes to what we're meant to do for other people, we take responsibility, accountability, and ownership. We learn and we promise and pledge to do better next time. When it comes to the things that happened to us, we should say if whoever was meant to take out the kala, if the kala were meant to be right the first time, hashem, you would have made that person remember and realize that they were supposed to turn off the oven and take it out. So for the person who did it, I'm sorry. Apology, responsibility, accountability. For the person to whom it happened, I I appreciate you apologizing. I guess Hashem didn't mean for this batch to work out the way I wanted. It's such a better way to live life. serenity, peace, happiness. Look at these. And it's not me. It's a movement. And this one goes in our chapter on car mirrors. Now, we don't just have a chapter on cars. We have a chapter on car mirrors. We're going to get subsections of those cars. But it's not only the ones that work out well. I'll read you one more that worked out well. I want to share a story of the night I found out my grandfather passed away. I work in a camp in Pennsylvania. My mom called me at 10:30 camp time, which is 11:30 city time, which makes no sense that there's such a thing as camp time. We'll leave that aside. Since it was late, I was a little bit concerned. I picked up the phone and she relayed to me the heartbreaking news. While I was devastated, my mind immediately went to how my three cousins, my brother, and I were all going to get home for the funeral the next morning. We're all in different sleepaway camps in Pennsylvania and New York. Five of us were spread out in four different camps. I had a car where I was, but everyone else needed to get home. And it was already pretty late. To make a long story short, within about five minutes of finding out, my brother and me, two of my three of my cousins all coincidentally found each other in the camp I was working at. My brother and I were supposed to hang out together somewhere else that night. Last minute we decided together he'd come to me. He had just arrived. My cousin at a different camp an hour away. Impulsively, I decided to come to visit our friend at the camp I worked at, and we happened to congregate and find each other quickly outside the camp's dining room. Pretty soon after, on our way to pick up our other cousin, it was a quiet ride home. As we all knew the day ahead of us was going to be long and hard, we thankfully got home safely around 3:00 a.m., all prepared to wake up the next day to head to our grandfather's funeral. While it was hard and continues to be hard, I think how complicated it would have been for my cousins, my brother, and myself to all get organized, get to each other, and get home instead. Cho, Hashem chose for us and orchestrated it in such a way to find each other quickly to keep each other company in the car ride home. It's been a difficult summer, but you feel and find those hugs from Hashem even within the difficult moments. Another, it all worked out. He orchestrated, he curated, he choreographed. We should have been spread out all over. instead for whatever reason just happened to be coincidentally we were right near each other and we were able to get on the ground. Beautiful, heartwarming and there should be gratitude and it was from above and there is no question about it. But what about this email? Dear Rabbi Goldberg, we're currently in the midst of fertility treatments. First setback of the round was during the Iran war. My husband was in Milim. I drove with my kids during the first few minutes. The ceasefire for my blood test to determine if I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I was not. after one day of I I just pause because it's so important for us. I don't know how anyone doesn't, but when I was in Israel this summer, I was stopped by random people who said, "Thank you for referencing what we're going through because most people don't or they've forgotten. I don't know how that's possible. I don't think I'm doing anything special, but I want to keep doing it." We understand what that sentence meant. During the Iwan war, my husband was in Miluim. I had to put my kids in the car to find out the blood test on my own, my husband and Miluim during the Iran war if I was pregnant and I was not. Do we understand what the average person, by the way, the 10 million who now are looking over their shoulder on every bus they taken at every bus stop they're in? Who's around them? What will happen? What's the exit plan if there's a god forbid god forbid what it means to live with that angst and that worry to be terrorized by those terrorists by that terror but also how many more times miluim going in leaving family adjusting what these sentences so I wish there were a way to find out who's in miluim so again walt which is Uber Eats in Israel just send dinner just send an ice coffee just send a muffin just send an I love you that won't bring the husband home That won't make Shabas for him, but it will be, I hope, I think, a little pickme up. Okay, back to the email. After one day of feeling down, I said to myself and my husband, "Hashem will give us every child we're meant to have. No more, no less." I truly believed it, and I was able to pick myself up in that moment. I felt like an amuna superstar. And she was. Over the last few months, we've heard of many family members and friends who are expecting. I've been able to feel joy for them most of the time, even as we continue to wait. But recently, after yet another round of waiting and another pregnancy announcement, something inside me cracked. I can't fully explain it. Suddenly, the amuna that had been sustaining me felt harder to access. I still believe Hashem will give us every child we're supposed to have. But the pain of the journey feels too heavy. It has even sent me down a hole of asking why people need to suffer at all. I feel embarrassed to even use the word suffering when I'm so blessed I do have. I then start to think of the mishbash on the street, of the holy alman, of the widows and orphans, and I feel even more conflicted. I know Hashem has a plan that his perfect plan is infinitely better than our imperfect one. But the pain of waiting while watching others and seeing so much suffering is so so hard. I wish I had a stronger way to end this email. Instead, I'll simply say that I'm grateful for the Torah, the it's out in the world and any you can share would be deeply appreciated. If you read the emails, we were all near each other. We got in the car, it all worked out the thing and it all was perfect and it just happened to be and my bonus check covered exactly what I needed and the then you got to read the emails that says I'm sitting and I'm waiting and it's getting harder and harder and I'm struggling and I'm alone and I'm wondering why and it's without my husband who's still in Miluim and it's while trying to avoid missiles falling on my head because Iran still wants to kill us and I'm ending it there. There's no happy end. I'm not telling you. Ah, we got our good news. I waited and it turned out and it was okay. You gota amuna and mean the whole picture. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The pleasurable and the unbearably painful. The feeling together and the feeling alone. It all it all is him and it all comes together and we have to feel and recognize and see it all. You can't pick and choose as the basis and foundation of our amuna because it has to be real and it has to be authentic and it has to be raw and it has to be looking for him and finding him and leaning on him in the good and the bad. I hesitate to say bad because it's not bad from Hashem. Nothing's bad in the pleasurable and the painful. As we have quoted others as saying before, bad things don't happen to good people. Painful things happen to good people. That doesn't make them less painful. And it doesn't take away the question of why painful things happen to good people. But we don't characterize them as good or bad. We characterize them as pleasurable or painful in recognizing that they are all from Hashem and they're all meant to be for us. And if we wait and we wonder and I want to say something, it would be inaccurate and inappropriate and inauthentic for me to tell the author of that email, I give you just keep waiting and Hashem is going to and you're going to get a positive test any day now and you're going to celebrate the birth of another. I don't know. But I'm not in charge and I'm not in control. And there always is the possibility that those are the amount of children you're meant to have. And maybe, God forbid, there isn't another. It's his plan, not ours. But as we prepare to live it, we can find the joy and the satisfaction. You know, I was thinking this week I was went to Fabangan's coming up. I went to faban and I was talking to some babatur and sometimes it's lost on us how the Reb could solve so many other people's problems. But do we remember he had no children? And we know there are fewer things more painful and more lonely in the world than having no children. But he somehow, and I never met him or had a conversation with him, but certainly from what we know of him, he found a way to pivot and to redefine what it means to have children. He didn't have biological children, but all of his children. He found a way to be bim to find joy and happiness and purpose and meaning and fulfillment and eternity and immortality even while denied that thing that he desperately wanted that so many others take for granted. they have of all the things that we can turn to to and draw from him. I feel like that's maybe I'm wrong, but that's a little bit that's neglected. All the Reb stories that are told and all the brahas that he gave and all the insight that he had and all the predictions that he made that came true and the army that he built and it's all accurate and it's all true. But we sometimes forget and maybe because it's the quietest and most unspoken is that he and his rabbiten couldn't solve that problem for themselves. They didn't have children. But do you know anyone in history who had more children, who are still having more and more children, to have more people named after them? More people go visit their grave. He pivoted. He redefined what it meant to have children. He found meaning, purpose, and happiness. We can't promise that that person will get married, will have children, will get the job, will get cured, will solve that problem. We can't. Doesn't mean Hashem will make things work out the way I want. So the we learned this go back I don't even know what number we're up to what part of living with amuna we're up to but of the we learned it together early on and the writes do not mean hashem makes things work out the way I want I want this team to win the super bowl I want this job I want this girl I want this it's going to work out the way I want get into that school that yeshiva that seminary that's not who are you worshiping then yourself and means from my limited perspective. this is what I think is best for me for my family and I'm going to take all the initiative I can to bring about the reality based on the way I see things as being the best but then I surrender and concede at that point I recognize that maybe I don't know what's best for me maybe I don't see the plan of what's right for me and so whatever you I'll I'll do my best I'll take my initiative next week I'm participating in a panel not next week Sunday a panel Jewish workshops it's an online beautiful organization and program on this issue of the balance between initiative and faith. Hishadlas and Amuna doing it together with my friends Rabbi Kanan Gordon and Dr. Yoni Feiner, a psychologist specializes in mindfulness. The three of us a panel discussion on Jewish workshops on this online forum on this issue to balance the tension between the two. I hope by Sunday to figure it out because it's complicated and I'm not sure myself but and maybe that's part of the conversation is the effort to figure it out. Hashem, I take all my initiative. I do everything I can. I pursue the route and the journey of the destination the way I see it. But I recognize all along the way that you're going to bring on detours. You're going to create traffic. You're going to close some roads and open up others. And I can't wait to be on this adventure called life and to see what you have planned. And no one can promise me and I can't promise anyone else the way things are going to go or how it's going to work out. Very quickly, one or two more and then we'll get back into our learning. Back to wonderful, beautiful. I I don't want anyone to hesitate and not send in an email when it all works out, which is why I want to read one more because now you're at home. You're like, I had a great thing and it all worked out, but I guess I can't send those. Goldberg's in a pretty bad place and he's only sharing the ones that people are in pain and it's terrible and it doesn't work out and yet you still have to say that's Hashem. No, keep sending. We're a community. It's all It's all It's a whole picture. Over the summer, my family and I drove from Holland to England on the Euro Tunnel. On the way back, our GPS arrival time kept creeping up and we were worried we're going to miss our crossing from France to England. officially have to arrive 30 minutes before the schedule crossing time to allow passport control. If we missed it, we could get on the next available crossing with space, but there was no way of knowing how long that would be. We've already been driving for five hours with three little boys in the back who were antsy to say the least. You are where you're meant to be was playing in my head the whole ride. There was nothing we could do about it. My anxiety was not going to help. I realized how much my behavior affects my children and my husband. And if I was relaxed and up, so would they be. What's another few hours of ice spy and audio books? We arrived at the crossing to find out our crossing had been delayed by 30 minutes, giving us exactly the right amount of time needed for passport control. Because of the shirum, I was able to shift my perspective. And for that, I thank you. Wishing you and your family. Again, we're running late. Will we make it? Will it work out? What's going to happen? Will we be delayed? When will be the next time? Did that make you get there faster? You could be, to borrow a term from the younger people, freaking out in the car ride and then your kids are going to freak out, your husband's going to freak out and it will be miserable. The atmosphere, the energy in the car, and it won't get you there any faster, and it won't make the plane take off any earlier, and it won't or you can be calm, cool, and collect and say, "We're along for the ride. We did everything the way we were meant to. Chaffford built up. We'll see what's supposed to happen. Will it all work out?" And in this case, not always. And I'm glad you sent it, and I'm glad I read it. worked out. They were delayed half an hour, which is exactly what we needed for passport. And it all worked out. So why worry? What would you have sacrificed in your relationship had you been tense all along in the meanwhile? In the meanwhile. So keep sending those emails. And those two are and don't feel guilty or ashamed for seeing his hand in them. See his hand in everything and point it out always. Okay, we got a lot to get to now that we're starting. That was just all the introduction. Uh before we get back to in the art scroll English page, we're up to >> 301 301. Thank you for that. Before we get back to that, I can't help it. I left it out of yesterday's para class because I saved it for today's two things. We'll see if we get to both in last week's this week's This week's like has this harsh rebuke. Moshe says, "Here's the deal. Here's what Hashem wants from you. If you live your life's going to be wonderful and beautiful. If you don't and you neglect it and you're disobedient of it, some bad things in store for you." So if you listen to the voice of to observe and to keep all of his commandments that he commands you today fast forward and if you don't God is going to punish you because of the bad and because translate the words a because says God you abandon me. shoulders probably say forsake me because they use some weird English words like that. But we would use the word not forsaken. I haven't heard anyone use that with each other. You would use what word? You abandoned me. You booked out. You abandoned me. Where'd you go? What happened? even when you neglect or abandon when you forfeit doing a wonderful positive commandment or you violate a negative one. It's a bad thing. It's a mistake. It's disobeying God. It's like consuming poison. But points out that points out that God does not hold us accountable and he does not raise the particular thing you did wrong. What is he bothered by the consequence? The punishment is not because of the mistake, the particular or the neglect of fulfilling a mitzvah. It's the result. It's the consequence. And what's the result? God says, "Hey, where'd you go? We were working on a relationship. I felt your presence. I felt you were present. And I felt I felt seen and you're gone. Where'd you go? Ah, the way that you disappeared was because you did you did the thing I asked you not to do or you didn't do the thing I asked you to do. But I'm not hung up on that. It's not about did you take the garbage out? Did you wash the dishes? Did you do the bath time? Did you pick up the dry cleaning? Did you react that way? Did you raise your It's not about the particular. It's about the result and the consequence of how it makes me feel in therapy. That is one of the core paradigms is that a person is not entitled to say to the other person, you don't care about me. You didn't pick up the dry cleaning. What you can say is when you didn't pick up the dry cleaning, it made me feel I'm not important to you. I'm not a priority for you. that my getting what I need to operate that we had made agreement you were going to get done when you didn't keep that up it made me feel it's not about the particular what happens is when you try to relitigate history and you litigate the particulars you escalate the fight instead of having the conversation that needs to happen is not looking to litigate the particulars he does this the other thing yes we're accountable for the particulars we're not entirely off the hook the particulars They matter. They matter to him and they're big. But the reason particular matters, why does it matter whether you put the cap on the toothpaste? Why does it matter whether you put the toilet seat down? Why does it matter whether the socks made it into the hamper or next to it? It's because the socks and the hamper are such a big deal. The cap on the toothpaste is so earthshattering. They matter, but it's not that they matter. It's what they message. It's what they mean. It's what they communicate. And Hashem is the same way. Ashafani, what what happened? We we had a we were had a moment. We had a thing. We were feeling present with one another and then you disappeared. And the distance, the daylight you put between you and God is worse than the particular thing you did wrong. What an amazing insight says of you see from this that Hashem is saying to us, I want a relationship. He's choosing to say to us, I don't want to get lost in my debate with Raanus Freiedman. God is saying, "I need a relationship with you." He doesn't bet need it. He's choosing to communicate that he needs it. That's how he wants to reveal and appear to us. That's an important particular. If you picked up on it, good. If you didn't, don't worry to miss anything. But Hashem is choosing to relate to us in a way that we should feel. He needs and wants a relationship. And when we do something wrong, it's not about what we did wrong. It's about what we messaged about the relationship. We disappeared. We were no longer present. Where did we go? The goal and the essence, the purpose and the mission of fulfilling Torah in mitzvos is hashem closeness and intimacy with the almighty. Hashem, I could tell you anything and I feel you everywhere. And even what are we saying in the David the month of Elus? We add on an extra paragraph at the end of we say even when the people around me even when it feels like my own parents have abandoned me forsake me they're gone I have no one and nothing to lean on you're always there always there no one around and no one to talk to and I'm by myself you're always there always there in the MRI machine with me when I can't be texting or scrolling are watching and there's no one and nothing to talk. You're in there with me. You're everywhere. You're in the trenches. When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, wherever I am when my husband's on me and I'm going to see if the pregnancy test, you're with me. That's what David said when he defined what's the purpose and essence, what's my mission, what am I doing this all for? Vani, there's a beautiful relatively new song about it. Maybe we'll post in tune. Somebody remind me. Elohim. [Music] If I stop you, I wake you in the middle of the night and I ask you what's good for you? What do you want? What do you want from life? What's your mission? What's your goal? What's your purpose? What's what what is the essence of you wantishkas? What do you want? Some people say, "What do I want? A bigger house, a nicer car. What do I want? Peace of mind. What do I want? Love. What do I want to be seen?" All kinds of answers people will give and it's an interesting question. What do you want? What do you crave? What is your real essence? Said you know my essential want you know what drives me every day I wake up till I fall asleep. Vani you know what is good for me. You know what's to you know what I pursue? You know what I crave? You know what I chase? You know what I want? You know what for me is to vani. As for measto I just want to feel close to him. I just want to feel close to him. I want to feel his essence. I want to feel his presence. I want to feel his love. I want to feel his care. It's a beautiful. It's a beautiful tune. That's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. The big the destruction that results from neglecting mitzvos is the opposite of is not the result of feeling close but the opposite. I'm far I don't even know how to start the conversation. I haven't spoken to him in so long. I don't even know if he wants to hear from me. I have nothing to do with him. I haven't connected to him. And that's what Hashem wants. And that I'm skipping a little bit. The reason I'm sharing with you now is both of this week's para. Forget the details. You took out the garbage. You left the cap off the toothpaste. You can go into counseling and you could litigate and debate the details. Or you could talk about I want to be close. I want to feel connected. I want to be prioritized. I want to be seen. I want to be understood. I want to be close. I want an intimate emotional connection unlike I have with anyone else. You can relitigate the details. They're important. At some point, you got to talk about it because if you keep leaving the cap off the toothpaste, if you keep leaving the collars in the oven too long, if you keep hypothetically, theoretically, if you keep doing that, you're going to have problems. So, yes, the details matter, but the details only matter once you put the frame and the boundary of the goal is closeness. and with that's the goal and says that's why what's the essence of chuva listen carefully we mistakenly think that l this time of year is about beating ourselves up Hashem's going to beat us up so we beat ourselves up I have a nephew I'm not going to tell you which side which sibling where how don't try to figure it out he's got a brilliant strategy his mother told me I love it what's his strategy when he oversleeps and he misses minion and he comes downstairs. He walks in a room to his mother and he says, "Before you say anything, you can't be more upset at me than I am at myself. You can't be more disappointed in me than I'm disappointed in myself. I can't believe I slept in. Can't believe I missed minion. So upset." She's like, "That's brilliant." Now she's left in. Like, what am I gonna say? What is she gonna follow it up with? Yeah, you missed minion. You're like, "Brilli. He's brilliant." No, that kid's going places. He's brilliant. He's brilliant. He walks in the room. But before you say anything, you can't be more upset at me than I am at myself. So you might think, you know what's the LOL strategy, Hashem? Before I get to you on, you you can't be more upset at me than I am. You can't beat me up more than I've beat up myself. You can't make me more ashamed than I am ashamed myself. So what are we busy with? What are we occupied with for this month for these 40 days to Yum Kipper? Let's beat ourselves up. Knock ourselves down. Fill ourselves with shame. Let's focus on everything we did wrong. And that way when we get to him, we can say to him, "You can't beat us up more than we beat up ourselves. We're going to change. We promise it's going to be different." Says of not exactly. That is missing the boat. That is not what this is about. That is not the goal of this time of year. It's in that same in the same that we're saying every day. We say it's another tune. I'm going to put this one also in. Why? Why would when I reference a Pik that has a a song I do it I don't get any royalties. You could watch it on YouTube four billion times. I don't get any money. The singer does by the way and they should thank me. But I don't get any royalties. I don't get any Why do I do that? When you know what the words mean in a song that you hear, that song touches you somewhere very, very deep. And these tunes, some of these tunes, oh, and now when you're going to sing, don't don't sing it in the car or while you're exercising or while you're making the new batch of kalas, just just close your eyes. Just sit and sing. Just just be. Don't do just be while you're listening. And there's another in that is not in the it's elsewhere. But there's another my want is I just I just want to see your face. I feel like I see your back. I feel like we're passing ships. I feel like we don't spend time. I feel like you don't get me. I want I just want to see your face. I just want to see if I just want to feel connected. I just want to feel that. Just look me in the eyes and tell me it's going to be okay. You're going to be by my side. Tell me you have a plan. Tell me this is all for a reason. Tell me that it's going to work out the way you wrote it up. I just want to see your face. I just want to look in your eyes. I just want to feel you looking in my eyes. That's what we're working on. So, we're not beating ourselves up for the sake of knocking ourselves down and filling ourselves with shame so we can do it before he does it. What we're telling him is, I want to go to therapy. I want to feel close. I want to work out whatever differences. I want to get rid of whatever daylight is there. I want to get close. I want to be close. And that's why chuva lash is to return. Visha, where are we going back to? Va doesn't say go back to your best self. Go back to putting the cap on the toothpaste. Go back to waking up from minion. Go back to being pure and innocent and perfect. That's not what Chuva is about. Chuva is not go back to being perfect as if you ever were there, but go back to being perfect. Chuva says the is where do you return to being close to Hashem? says, "Come back. Come back to me." Now, it's another song. That's the whole idea of the opposite of says Hashem you should know I didn't appreciate that you didn't make a that you didn't that you violated Shabas that you violated kosher that you wore sh that you whatever the details matter and there's a reason I put them in place and you're accountable if you didn't do them but what really bothers me is it feels like you walked away from me you gave up in me this distance and daylight between us. It's our par. That's what Hashem says is the problem. That's the problem. That's the problem. What's the antidote? What's the answer to get close? The goal and the essence is closeness, is intimacy. This is not any more than marriage is some business contract, some convenience. You take out the garbage. I shop for the ingredients. You bring in the paycheck. I put the kids to dinner. That is in some cases a functional marriage, but it's a very low-level marriage. I would never want my kids looking for that at a marriage. I don't look for that myself. Those are all details that you've got to run a home. But what's the purpose? And what's the energy that fills the home? Kirava, closeness, connection, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, affection, love. Leto, closess, connection, love, intimacy, togetherness, and that's what we're looking for from Hashem. Yeah, the details, they're important because he gave them to us for how to navigate this world. It's the instruction manual. It's the blueprint. Don't try to figure it out on yourself. Don't be that pompous, arrogant guy who throws the instructions on the side and says, "I know how to build this." And only figures out at step 700 that you missed a screw or you put the panel on the wrong one. And now you're in trouble. That's how most of us live our lives, by the way. Hashem, ah, you're manual. I know how to live life. I know how to get the best out of life. I know how to find happiness in life. Until we miss a step and we realize we're getting it all wrong. And sometimes it's too late and we got to rebuild the whole thing from start from scratch. Hashem says, "Take my instruction manual." So, the details matter because the details are the instruction manual for us, not for him. How to navigate this life. But the purpose of all the deals like feel close, feel connected. That's what it's all about. So, I'll tell you one more point before we turn off the stream and the recording and go to our live question and answer. You have to be here in person. You only get the coffee if you're in person. You only get the slushie if you're in person. Please God, we're going to add when the weather changes soup when you're in person and other kinds of things to our corner. Very excited. You only get those in person. You only nourish your body in person and you can only nourish your soul in the questions and answers in person. But one more quick thought also because of our para in the toem says you know why I'm bringing this all upon you know where you went wrong you created daylight between us but how did you create the daylight between us you know why because you weren't happy you had so much to be happy about and you walked around miserable and negative resentful angry pessimistic. Where's your happiness? Where's your joy? Where's your sim? Where's your smile? That's what it's all about. I mentioned yesterday in the pashir says a boy turns a bar mitzvah. A girl turns a bas when the clock strikes. Three stars are out on their Hebrew birthday. They become a what's the first mitzvah they should do? Some say state that you believe in God. Others say learn Torah. Others says the first mitzvah you should do is smile, be happy. Isn't that a beautiful thing to tell a child? The first mitzvah they should do is not you're a good be nervous. You're a god. Be nervous. It's all on your shoulders. Anything you get wrong is now on you and you have to learn all day and do all day. Don't get it all wrong. Don't ever gossip. No. Don't ever forget. We're going to make you neurotic and nervous and miserable. Welcome to adulthood. Sofur says the opposite. You became an adult. You're a gul. You have maturity. Smile. Isn't the world beautiful? Isn't Hashem amazing? Isn't life fantastic? Isn't there so much to be happy about? The first mitzvah. Ah, where does it say there's a mitzvah? Hashem says, many sources are offered many answers. Tas. Why is that word tas? Because you could have said key. There's so many words you could have used for that. Hashem says the comes because you weren't happy. Yeah, checklist. Yeah, you heard the chauffeur. Yeah, you lifted the lulaf. Yeah, you sat in the suka. Yeah, you lit the candles. Yeah, you put on the Yeah, you kept the laws. But you did it miserably. You didn't do it with a smile. You didn't do it with any happiness. That's such a big thing. That's such a big thing. Like, hashem, I did all the right things. What's your problem? What's your problem? Why do you have to make an issue? I did all the right things. I followed your checklist. Check, check, check, check. Come on. Like you care. Smiled. happy sad why does it matter says and there's so much more to say on this we'll expand another time why the word means there's something under the fact that you weren't happy means underneath what's underneath the fact that you didn't have the you know what's underneath the fact that you didn't have the because you're not living with because you're living with a person who has no faith and feels it's all up to them, they're miserable. A person who feels they're a victim of chance and randomness, then they're miserable because I don't know what chance is going to bring. I don't know what's going to happen. Am I going to be the statistic? So many people statistically are going to get that disease. So am I next? So many people statistically get in a car accident. So many people statistically have this. So am I just a victim of randomness and chance? So, I'm going to be miserable walking around with misery and it's all up to me and the outcome is all going to be on me and I'm going to be the blamer. I'm going to get the creditor. I'm going to be this. I'm gonna be that. If there's no God in your life, then you're filled with nervousness and misery, negativity, and pessimism. But when you live life with amun, which is what we learn every single week, what our shabasha is going to be all about. Ego is the enemy. The difference between a life with ego or with amuna, it's what shabasha is all about. Is the difference between happiness or misery. The people with the most amuna, they live with joy. Even in the ICU, even on the unemployment line, even in the MRI machine, they can find the joy because they live with the certainty and the confidence, with the clarity that I don't know how this turns out. And I'm continuing to take all my initiative, but it's up to Hashem. And this is his world and I'm in his ride. And therefore, I can put down this heavy package and let go and enjoy the ride. So is such a beautiful what was really I do all the right things but I didn't do it with joy and for that you hold me accountable and you visit a upon me where does it say that is so important so in this answer it doesn't say it it's the fact that what's underneath what's underneath the fact that you struggle that you have no sim you have no smile you have no joy What's underneath that is you don't see Hashem. You're not living with Hashem. I'm not talking about a person who's getting up from a who's suffering from grief. I'm not talking about a person who's experiences chronic enormous physical, emotional, spiritual pain. We're not talking about such people. Talking about the average one of us who woke up this morning with whatever aches and pains, whatever problems or challenges minor we have, why aren't we smiling? Where's our joy for life? Where's our happiness? Where's our faith? Where's our Thank you, Hashem. Thank you. Thank you for the gifts I won't take for granted. Thank for the beauty and the good things. Thank you. There's so much to be grateful about. So much to be thankful for. Okay, that particular thing, we're going to work on that and I'm going to ask for your help because that particular thing I'm not so grateful about. But even with that detail, that nikuda, zoom out the lens and look at the big picture and see more broadly. And there's so much to say thank you. When you live life in vivid color with Hashem, so you live And if there's no Hashem, then I would also be a nervous wreck. I would also be an anxious. I would also be angry and arrogant and envious and miserable and you live with Hashem. It's all good. That's also an the farmer brings how can you find happiness? Who says you should be happy? Why should I be happy? You walk out of here and he said Goldberg said you got to be happy. That was the Was that worth the I don't know. Be but I'm not happy. Look at all the things. Why should I be happy? Who says I should be happy? Where's my reason to be happy? So the para says, you know why you should be happy? Because there's a lot of good. Your knees and your hips are working. Your eyes and ears are working. There's a little money in the bank account. You had what to eat last night and today. The headcount in your home is the same as it was. There's a lot of good. There's a lot of reason to be happy. Look at what's there, not what's missing. There is a lot of good and a lot of reason to be happy. for should be a day filled with good news for Israel and for each and every one of us. And now we turn off the recording and stream but please stay for approximately 10 15 minutes of live question and answer. Okay. To