Living with Emunah (Part 360) - Anger at Hashem

Okay, good morning Gamarim Tova first of all tremendous tremendous tremendous tremendous uh recognition to all of you Kipper. Wowim Kipper to come together to learn to grow living with Amuna there's still a meal they have to prepare before Yam Kipper and then the break fast for after Yum Kipper and then Sukas and a lot of excuses and reasons to not be able to come and to learn and to grow and this is where everyone is. This is where we are meant to be to be together in this berduga based medish relocated because hashem they're preparing the shul. So it's a tremendous tribute to all of you and I'm grateful when people said you're giving the shir on Arabian kipper I said the people said they're coming so how could you not give it so if you would all have all said what are you crazy I'm not coming Arabian kipper then then I there would be no shear so it's a tribute to all of you and I thank you and ministers is generously sponsored by Dr. Zavi and Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr. Brian Galbet in memory of Dr. on Shanzerella's mother and the great that our hostages come home, our soldiers are safe. We dav in those 72 hours, those few days are up at the end of Yum Kipper as my daughter in Israel told me that maybe we'll make to the news that hostages are home >> and that soldiers are safe and that it's over. So we have things to dab in for each and every year. I announce in that if you have nothing to dab in for, you have the most to dab in for. If you think that everyone in my life, everyone's healthy, everyone's well, everyone's married, everyone's having children, everyone's successful, everyone's safe. If you think that everything's going well in your life and you have nothing to daven for, you have the most to davin for because there's the most that the other shoe can drop and things can go wrong. But we all have a lot to daven for each and every year. We certainly do this year and as we know that this deal is out and uh extraordinarily remarkably. We talk about Yeshua Hashem Karafay and our rabbis say that the salvation of Hashem can come in the blink of an eye. In one moment it can feel all is helpless and hopeless and all is lost and we can't imagine any possibility or salvation and in the blink of an eye things can be turned around and it's far from over. We should not spike the football till we're in the end zone. I'll explain that what that means later to any of you if you don't understand it. But we should not c we should not celebrate and many of you did. That wasn't a sexist remark. Whatever save the email I I asked I asked if I suggested you don't understand sports but we should not celebrate prematurely certainly we should not celebrate prematurely but I will tell you this last week it felt like the entire world turned on Israel the whole world was rallying around kamas and Israel was isolated on the international stage and one by one every country in every continent was criticizing condemning isolating Israel and in one day, in one hour, all introduced with the Abraham Accords and ending with the prime minister of Israel wishing the world, hundreds of millions of people watching a garba, but in one hour now kamas is isolated in the world. The entire Arab world, Qatar and Turkey and Egypt this morning putting pressure on them to agree to this deal. So Yeshua Hashem Karifi, is it perfect? It's not perfect. You didn't come here to hear my analysis or editorial comment on this potential deal. My point is there's a lot to daven for there's a lot to daven for and we should see the perus we should see the results the answer of our immediately that withdo when I speak I can announce junior will tell us there's good news hostages at home this morning she has also anonymously sponsor this James Yseph Ben Genevie may hashem remove all obstacles and bring an enduring reconnection with pora basafa and behaiden Allen Fuches Leelu Nishmas Alamezelle. Oh, I loved Alam. I miss Alam. I was a fixture of my childhood in TK, New Jersey alter. We miss him and his potato cook whose warm smile lit up every room as amuna carried him through life and we certainly miss him anonymously with thanks to BRS for giving lifechanging for this to bring his forklman. What a tremendous tremendous power. in we miss him terribly. Wish a lot of and nishmas my aunt whose site is today Esther Mala Basl my aunt Mali Lazar who passed away suddenly and abruptly on Arabium Kipper family didn't even have a chance to sit sha very special woman who inspired her whole family and our whole family and we miss my aunt Maki our learning should be nishmasa as well we'll read a couple emails and we'll get into our learning we're finishing up where we were maybe share a yum kipper thought get everyone home to be able to book for the suda mafus hire by go over we hit the road on the way to my husband's first Ishaibo concert and we got hungry thinking it was okay to come after the hour listed on the ticket which is usually listed a half hour early so we thought we'd stop for pizza as we paid for our order a rocket siren goes off okay we still have a nice amount of time to get to the concert into the shelter and out of the shelter 20 minutes later our pizza had still not come out in Israel today you're more upset that your pizza is taking forever than the fact that you had to run to a bomb shelter like the bomb shelter is just part of daily life. But where's my pizza? I decide to remind the teens at the counter and good thing too. They forgot about our order. Finally, we quickly ate now in time to get there with a few minutes to find parking. On the highway, we jumps up another 20 minutes. Now, we will certainly miss the first song. Okay. Time continues to creep up and my husband wants to turn back home. Instead, I decide to introduce him to your podcast. I don't know if that's good or bad for Shelbias. Listen to Rabbi Goldberg. He said, "Embrace your place. Stop yelling." A few emails in and we're getting closer. I feel the tight knot in my stomach begins to ease as I embrace our place. We're clearly not meant to hear the start of the concert. Lo, we see the arena along with an entire sidewalk of the legally parked cars and a closed off parking lot. Deep breath. Hashem clearly has a spot for us somewhere. Not just anywhere. An empty spot on the sidewalk at the entrance of the arena. As we are an hour late, there's zero line to get in past security. We're finally inside to hear the opening notes of the concert. We were not the only ones late. Reebo was late. Rather, we were all on perfect time. Thank you, Hashem. We didn't have to wait sit hungrily for an hour as our bellies were full. We didn't have to sit and wait. Rather, we heard some amuna, some Torah. My husband and I got to connect through a new for him podcast. And as usual, Yishibbo did not disappoint. For the record, I saw to write the image as we're embracing our place in traffic on the highway. And I'm feeling very blessed. I was able to complete it on such a high. Thank you for the weekly sharim. And we hear the show for a call as we watch the coin enter the B mikdash next week. Beautiful. Rebo was caught in the same traffic. So everybody's where they're meant to be and they got there on time. Hargo, I'm the girl sponsor this year in honor of her aliyah. I've been making it. I've been an avid listener and honestly it's the only thing I've gotten me through the challenges of making aliyah. When I knew my aliyah flight would be on Wednesday, I knew I had to sponsor the Shir. I even had a conversation with my friends the week before stressed because I didn't want to listen to the previous week she as I want to save it to listen to on the plane. Knowing that that day she wouldn't be out in time for me to download. While I did not know that Alal has a secret living with Amuna section, I had already downloaded 10 hours worth of older Shir for my flight. A surefire way to fall asleep on the plane. It's better than ambient. Better than ambient download to living with amuna. But the screaming toddler next to me who was making aliyah made it hard to concentrate on the shar. So don't worry, I made sure to have my fixir locked and loaded for my night for my flight. Now for the amuna story. I finally got off the flight after hours of a screaming toddler not allowing me to sleep. After I just left my entire family to move to a country with no relatives, safe to say it was emotional and the lack of sleep didn't help. After hours of processing and documents at the airport, I go to the carousel to get my luggage. I brought four suitcases with me. I only found two. I went to the Nevesh helper and told them and they said, "Look again." Still no luck. My immediate thought was, "My bags are where they're meant to be." The navish benev said, "It will file for a missing suitcase claim." My response to her was, "I could easily burst into tears and break down right now, but I'm practice some amuna and say this instead. It could have been so much worse than losing two bags bags. I could have lost all four, but two of them still arrived and I'll have all the necessities in those bags. Aliyah is not easy. I'm learning that over and over again. But strengthen my amuna muscle has been the best way to get through it all. So, thank you. I did receive both my missing suitcases and now I can easily say I am living the dream with all of my belongings. Again, I share these emails. They're exciting. to other people's adventure, but they're also inspiring for us in our moments of losing our suitcases or getting stuck in traffic and missing where we thought we were headed to just remember. And it could happen and it will happen tonight at Kijra or tomorrow in Shul. There could be, there shouldn't be. We're trying hard not to be a screaming toddler or the person in front or behind you talking despite our heartfelt plea to take it outside. It could be. And in that moment, that is also where we are meant to be. And we have to figure out how to adjust and then figure out what's the appropriate way to communicate with the people around us so that we can inspire them and remain inspired ourselves. But the point is if we live and go into every moment of our lives armed with that worked out amuna muscle so it didn't atrophy and it doesn't die and it doesn't disappear but we're ready for what life throws at us because I promise you not maybe but every day something will be thrown at us. Some frustration, some disappointment, something that will or won't work out. my shabashu dasha that got erased and I rewrote it. Some of you wish it got more erased so that it would have been a little shorter. But whatever in life is the challenge we're supposed to have. And the beauty of amuna is it arms us and we're ready and we don't have the regret. I should have said this. I forgot to tell that story. I did forget to tell a story at the end. Our dasha was about ego and ego versus elocus. It really was an hour and a half amunir the uh the shabashu dasha because the the antidote to ego is elocus. That's what we spent our time. For those who weren't there, I'll give you the little synopsis which was that ego is the enemy. when it's all about us, when it's about self, but when ego is the soul is the peace of Hashem in us, when we're expressing our elocus with Roma, not a humility of shy and humble and meek and hiding in the corner, but a humility of Mosher Rabenu. I didn't get to this either. Mosher Rabenu is the Mikadam. Hashem himself testifies Moshe is the most humble man of all time. And yet, the same who's the most humble man of all time is the greatest leader of all time. the biggest influencer of history. Every home, every all over the planet knows the name Moses. The most ignorant Jew, a non-Jew who knows nothing about religion knows the name Moses. Moses, the most well-known name. He's the biggest influencer of all time. The five books of >> Moses, of Moshe, Mosher Raenu, he's quintessentially our leader. How do you how do you how do you reconcile that? He's the most humble man of all time. And when you picture the most humble man of all time, you picture the person who's quiet, who sits, who doesn't speak unless he's asked, who hides and shies away in the corner, who doesn't suck the air out of the room and doesn't need the spotlight, who's not an influencer and not impactful and not a leader and not Moshe is simultaneously the most humble man of all time and the greatest leader of all time. He's the most humble man of all time. And when the moment demands it, who rises? Who's the one who eliminates the Egyptian? Because an Egyptian is harassing and abusing someone else. Who's the one who doesn't say humble? It's not for me. I can't insert myself. It's not my business. I shouldn't. What do I? No. Humility is assertiveness. Humility is standing tall and proud. Humility is knowing your mission and your purpose. So the synopsis is in every moment to ask ourselves is it ego or elocus? Why am I reacting this way? Why do I want to say that, email that, text that back? Why am I feeling this feeling? Is it because of ego or is it elocus? Am I expressing the godliness in me or is it ego that's driving me? That's the question. And we talked about why is ego the enemy? Three or four of its greatest dangers. It causes us not to learn. demands of us external gratification. We went through I'm not going to give you the entire Shir, but the ultimate punchline of the Shir is ego or elocus. In every moment, every time we're tempted to respond, to lash out, to answer, to do, to feel, why did I need so many people at the Shabashu rush? Was that my ego or because I have all this Torah of others and elus? I just want the whole world to hear it because it has such an impact on me. I want it to have an impact on on them and on you. Why are we trying to expand the Yamunashir? Why do we want everyone on the globe to be learning amuna and living amuna with us? Ego need to have the biggest amuna here or elocus. That's the question I ask myself. I'm asking myself every day. I've been struggling with this the last many years. And as long as you're struggling, you're in good. You're in good shape. You're in a good place. But that's the question for us all the time. So the story I left out. So I'll feel better now because I left it out. But I didn't beat myself up. Why? Because the amun is here. The beauty of living with amuna is you realize there can be no regret. There should be regret in a healthy sense. We'll talk about that about yum kiper tonight. But you can't beat yourself up with regret about things you could have or should have done differently because you can't go back and change the past and to recognize that as we learned a lot together. It is evil and wickedness to be filled with regret. To be focused on the past and to try to change something you can't paralyzes and debilitize debilitates you and it and it holds you it handicaps you. It makes you stuck. I was going to say holds you hostage but we can't use those words today. So it it keeps us back and keeps us back. So a person can't it is wicked and evil to be filled with a regret. So you forgot the story or you sent that email and you regret it or you whatever we did we were meant to do and now how do we undo it or fix it or redo it now. Don't get stuck in the past. Don't be filled with regret for the past. How do you fix it? How do you fix it now? So here's the story that my brother-in-law reminded me I forgot to tell. So I'll feel better because I'll tell it to you now. Ego versus elocus. So many many years ago under a very different administration who was having trouble in the relationship with Israel and the Jewish people because at the time Florida was not a red state but a swing state and the votes mattered not because of me. I was invited to a series of meetings at the White House, one of which the president himself joined to discuss the administration's relationship with the Jewish community and the pro-Israel community. But the first time I went was my first time in the West Wing of the White House, the Roosevelt room sitting around the table and members of the administration and Secret Service and coming in and it was a wow. I was all geared up and I was all excited and I planned and I measured my words and if it was I had a chance to speak what was I going to say and and to be in the room to be literally at the table. It was a incredible experience the buildup to it the experience itself. And when I came out of curse my first phone call was to my other half to my better half. I called my wife to say it was incredible. It was amazing. This is what it's like and the splendor and the and the secret service and the members of the administration and the Roosevelt room and the art and the sculpture and the paintings. This is what it was like. And she listened and she was interested and attentive and she said, "That's amazing." And then she said, "Listen, I don't care what time your flight comes back. Listen, Mr. Tough Guy, White House, Mr. President Guy, tomorrow's garbage day. Whatever time you get in, whatever time you get in, don't forget to take out the garbage. So for those who worry, for those who worry that when you're the rabbi of Yeshua with a thousand families or give a living, you could get an ego. The last thing I forgot and I left off was the biggest way to combat having an ego is to having a life partner who keeps you in check. Who tells you no matter where you were, no matter what matter meeting you had, don't forget to take out the garbage. Don't forget to take out the garbage. So that's a very big important point. The point is that when you leave out a story or you leave out a source or after a conversation, I had a conversation on Shabas, one of those conversations that you replay in your head over and over and say, "Oh, I should have said this. Oh, I should have said that differently." When you live with amuna, you can stop those thoughts because they're unhealthy and unhelpful. No, clearly you shouldn't have because you didn't and that wasn't what you were meant to say. And if there's something to be said now, so say it now. Call that person. get back in touch with them and say it now if it's meant to be said. But if it wasn't meant to be said, you didn't say it because that wasn't right. So when you live with a moon in arms you whether you're stuck in traffic and late to a rebo concert or whether there's a crying baby next to you on the plane and you lose two suitcases or whether you forgot a story in the drussa that you meant and could have and should have ended with. You don't beat yourself up when you live in that and you see that everything is carefully choreographed and curated from above and you are taking initiative and we are expressing our free will to be the best that we can be and the rest is up to him. And here's another example of it. On rush night, right after candle lady, my six-year-old comes over to me, and tells me his ear is hurting. During the night, he came to me again complaining about an earachche, and again in the morning, which point I figured, okay, time to do something about. I have a wonderful neighbor who's a pediatrician. So, I knocked on her door at 8 a.m. She looked in her ears and his ears and said, "He has a very bad ear infection with a strong possibility of bursting his eardrum. He needs to be treated today." She sent off the prescription to the local Walgreens and said, "I cannot wait until after." So, off I went with my baby in the stroller and insurance and credit card to Walgreens. I did my best to have the pharmacist do any malas for me. And as I was sitting waiting for the prescription, I just kept reminding myself, embrace your place. I'm exactly where I'm meant to be in Walgreens taking care of my kids on Russia Shana. We got back with plenty of time to get everyone out the door and show up for chauffeur. But this was definitely strange Russashana. On a side note, my car magnet disappeared off the side of my car recently and my husband told me, "Your magnet is exactly where it's supposed to be." Gimar toe. So if you're in Walgreens on Russashana instead of in your seat in shul, embrace your place. You could beat yourself up. You could be bitter and resentful. You could be negative. You can feel I can't find spirituality here. Or by leaning in and realizing Hashem is in Walgreens. Hashem is stuck in traffic. Hashem is at the conveyor belt of the suitcase line and missing suitcase. Hashem is he is wherever we are and wherever we are meant to be. Sha I want to share a story that reminded me and my friend of the Rava Munishir. Few weeks ago, my friend and I planned to attend the speed dating event in Long Island. I was hesitant. School, long drive, but realized I had already been in the area that day. Why not? I later realized I likely wouldn't make it to the event on time. So, the organizer gave away my spot, and my friend opted not to go either. As luck had it, I finished earlier than expected that evening and reluctantly called the organizer, secretly hoping he'd say it was too late. But instead, he encouraged me to come. So, I drove back an hour to where I just been, mostly feeling like I was simply cashing in points. I didn't meet anyone for myself, but I ended up setting up my friend. Same friend who didn't attend with someone from the event. Here's the punchline. The same week, she had asked the Fila group she's part of Tabin for me without telling me. Within 48 hours, I had unknowingly tried to help her meet someone, and she had tried to help me. While the match didn't work out, neither of us have our happy ending just yet. We found so much comfort in the hashka, praying and thinking for each other in the very same week. It was a strong reminder that it's not about the perfect ending, but seeing Hashem in the process that even without the obvious Yeshua ending for either of us, is often in the process, not just the outcome. Although we hope to have a part B to share from the story soon. Wishing a sweet am meaningful year ahead. Finding Hashem, feeling Hashem's presence. Okay, the story didn't turn out yet. And you're still sitting and waiting for that outcome that one is so desperately hoping for. But nevertheless, nevertheless, waiting and finding Hashem wherever we are. Okay, last one. I emailed you a couple months ago. I've been working really hard and accepting Hashem's will with a positive attitude. This summer, my husband had a stroke. I thought of myself for some to myself for some reason. Hashem wanted my husband to have this medical issue even though he's only in his lower 50s. It wasn't easy, but I was managing. We've been busy through the summer and still busy with several doctor's appointments, imaging tests. Apparently, he suffered more than one and recently found out that he has a heart condition as well. Due to all the time we've been spending with medical crisis, I've had to cut down my hours. And Parnas is a challenge. I always tell myself, as long as you have what you need for today, let God worry about tomorrow. I'm at the point where I don't usually have to what I need for today. I'm embarrassed to admit how much debt we've accumulated in the background of all this my daughter as I mentioned in a previous email health when I listen to the I feel I cannot help I cannot relate and be inspired can you address simultaneous serious issues to help people like myself get through challenges so that's a big question that's not like stuck in traffic to the rebo concert after having eaten really good pizza that's not that's not Walgreens on Russia shana but no problem antibiotics going to make the ear infection go away. All's good. I'll catch you for later. This is a tough question. It's a really really tough question. It's a really tough question. So, here's here's what I want to share with you. I don't have permission to share yet from the person who wrote. I don't think I have permission. Did I ask him permission? Maybe I did ask permission. I I got one of the most dramatic, powerful, strongest emails I ever got in my life last week before Shana and um and it blew me away and it totally blew me away. Um from a person who's very angry at Hashem. Uh oh, I did. Of course, you may share this however with whomever in whatever manner you choose. Okay. I wanted to read to you the following email, but be ready for it because you may not. It's it's painful. It's powerful. It's real. It's raw. I'll tell you the postcript to it. It shook me to my core because it articulated something that I hope none of us are feeling entirely but I think and I wonder if maybe some of us are feeling partially and if we're not feeling it now we're not feeling it this year maybe have felt before or fear we'll feel in the future. Okay. Okay. So with that dramatic introduction, you ready? This is someone shared with me their letter to God on era of rash. I write this to you God because the time for apologies has come to an end. I'll express this in no uncertain terms. You have hurt me. You have abused and tortured me. You have taunted and judged me. In my hour of need, you abandoned me. You have condemned me to loneliness and envy. You elected every moment to continue to suggest me to pain which drains the little hope I still have for things in my life to improve. I've been aware of all this for a while, but the time has come for me to say it. You dare call yourself a merciful father, a father who treats his children like you deserve nothing but the staunchest condemnation. You willingly subject humanity to horrors unimaginable and claim to be a god of kindness and compassion. If you are, as they say you are, omnipotent, omnisient, omnipresent, then it is within your power to reverse the sadistic creation you fashioned, and yet you continuously choose to prop it up. Here's what I have to say to you. Nearly a decade of dedication to you, your laws, what I thought was your will. Go on. I'd like you to think about the thousands of times I've prayed, put on till kept shabas, pushed normal thoughts of girls out of my developing brain, and castigated myself when I didn't. I slaved away over a garamara for years, bored to tears and pressured to meet toxic social standards because I thought it would make you love me. Well, so be it. You've hurt me, and this time I'm going to remember it. Of course, what I'd like to say is that I'm going to hurt you, too. But if you are as they say you are, that's not quite something I or anyone else can do. Fine. I accept that hurting you is beyond my control. Fortunately for me, you decided to grant me free will. And oh, I'm itching to use it. This mouth will never utter another word of praise or thanks to you. The source of my pain and misfortune. I'll dedicate my arms and legs and ears to helping those in need because you've abandoned them too. I will forever ru the day your cruel masochism decided to plant me in this traumatic world to suffer and scream. How many times have I prayed to you to heal me, to comfort and console me, to show me the purpose of my pain? You've left me unanswered. You've stood me up. You've left me. And so I leave you, too. May you know the pain of a parent witnessing their child turn his back and walk away. May you feel the sthing grief that darkens my days and slashes my guts. May your eyes flood with tears shed over losing your son forever. I don't want you to explain anything anymore. I don't want to hear from you at all. I'm done asking questions and I'm done reaching out. I suppose the next time I see you will be whenever you decide to pluck me from this world and stand me up before your kangaroo court to judge me as a wicked man for defending myself. Until then, please don't talk to me. Don't communicate with me. I'll never forget what you've done to me and I know you won't either. This Rashashana, I'll be doing something of my own. I hope it was worth it. That's that's maybe the most real, raw, authentic, powerful letter I ever read in my life. And I want to address it because that's what this other email essentially saying. How do you reconcile all these challenges and all these problems? The health of her husband with her parnasa with the waiting and the longing and the loneliness of her daughter and all that combination of like where are you? Where are you? It's easy to see, oh, I saw your hand. I got the parking spot. The thing worked out. The flight was delayed. Ah, it turned out ah embrace your place. But when you're waiting and you're longing and you're wondering and you're nervous and you're anxious and and you get that letter from an anonymous email address. So I I'll tell you what I wrote back. This is what I wrote back and I'm reading it because I want to share with you not only and saying it to him but saying it to you and anyone else who's listening and anyone else. Like I said, I hope that no one here says that's exactly how I feel. But I wonder if anyone here doesn't say that's a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit with hostages still held and families still grieving and people still suffering and people we know and love and maybe some in this room who are still in such pain like where are you authentiting and longing and wanting and asking. So, here's what I wrote back. I've read and reread this so many times, and each time it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I'm beyond sorry for your pain and experiences. I found your words so real, authentic, and profound. And while they're written to write off Hashem, I see them as one of the greatest expressions of amuna I've ever read. If you didn't believe he's real, you wouldn't bother being angry, disappointed with him, or walking away from him. And so, you're walking away is in fact an enormous demonstration of walking towards. Maybe on rash sha if you don't want to open a m print this out and read it to him scream it at him if you want to communicate further if I can help in any way I'm honored and grateful that you shared it and so on since then the person has revealed himself to me and we uh had a big hug because he wasn't shulan rashashana with the taliser I saw him the other day here dvening chakras and the means to say reminds me once wrote after the holocaust about putting Hashem on trial, that the survivors of the Holocaust, he wrote very poignantly Weisel about after the Holocaust putting Hashem on trial and he describes very dramatically all the evidence and all the testimony and the conviction of Hashem that ultimately Hashem is found guilty of this great atrocity of the Holocaust. And Weisel ends at the basin after finding God guilty gives a clop and says Hashem is guilty as charged but the sun is setting we have to d. That's the image of Elizel. That's the image of the Holocaust survivors. Hashem is guilty but we have to dive in. Now it's time to dive into him to walk towards him to hug him to feel his hug. What I'm trying to say is that you can feel these things simultaneously. And when one does, and when one does, and this may be radical, and maybe some people listening may not be so happy with it, maybe people will dig up sources that say that I'm wrong, but I'll match them by digging up those that will tell you that I'm right because this is not my own opinion, but it's part of our rich tradition that when a person is angry or disappointed at Hashem, it's not a failure or breakdown of amuna. In some ways, it's the ultimate expression of amuna. When you say, "I'm done with you and I'm never talking to you again and I can't believe you did this. And if you're really my father, why didn't you?" If you don't believe in God, you're not angry at him. There are a lot of people who come to shul and they say every word in that moxer, but they didn't have any real moment of they didn't have any one real second of conversation or connection or communion with their creator. They could say every word in the m say it slowly have the longest in they could clap every the loudest till you're worried they're breaking the rib cage but they didn't have one second of real connection and the person who comes to shul and whatever the words in the mox of it uses that time to really pour out their heart and have a real conversation where were you where are you how could you when will you gives that clap and says you're guilty of not acting like a father. But now what can I do? Guilty is charged. It's time for somebody else shared with me just this week whose mother is suffering from Alzheimer's and whose father has been her caretaker and is running out of energy and he said to him last week before Rashashana, I'm not doing Rashashana this year because I'm angry at God. So what do I do about my father? How do I He's no faith. He's walking away. And I said, "It's a conversation. It's a challenge, but don't say he has no amuna. He has more amuna maybe than me and you put together." Because you're not angry at someone that you don't think exists. You're not angry at a figment of imagination. You're not angry at a fantasy. You're not angry at a character in a play or a movie or a TV show. If you're angry at God, it's because you know and believe and feel he's real and you feel he's your father. You're not angry at the stranger that they didn't help you. You're angry at your father who could have helped you and chose not to. That's real. That's a real conversation. That's not walking away. That's walking towards. To be clear, I'm not encouraging everyone this year. This is the year of anger. Let's get angry. This I'm not encouraging you that if you're not angry, you should be angry. I'm not encouraging you that if you don't have questions, you should have questions. I'm not encouraging you that if you're not feeling like walking away, you should walk out. Shalom. God forbid. That is not what I'm saying. It's not what I'm saying at all. It's not what I'm saying in the least. Is that clear? Are we on the same page? What I'm saying is if it is what you're feeling and if it's what you're feeling maybe a little bit and if it's maybe not what you're feeling but you once felt and you're feeling guilty that you felt it don't know that whatever you're feeling every feeling that we have can be and should be in fact channeled into connection to Hashemas beautiful who actually says this I forgot on which I'll try to remember for the next It's a beautiful who literally describes that we need to know that whatever feeling that we're feeling even if that feeling needs to be worked on IFS we have to talk to our different parts and get back to our self you thought I thought thought forgot about it since last year still we're still talking IFS whether it's through IFS or something else whatever feeling that we're feeling needs to be processed and dealt with and isn't always for our best but we should know that that feeling is also from Hashem if I'm feeling this Part of my processing it is to know that it's not random and it's not by definition categorically negative that that feeling my feeling jealousy and it all begins with self-awareness. This again connects to ego and our shabashiva drasha. A person has to have self-awareness. What am I feeling? Often we just react and respond without actually pressing pause to say why am I feeling this? What what's bothering me? Why why am I frustrated? Where is the anger? Where is the where's the envy? Where is the arrogance? Where's the anxiety? Where is whatever I'm feeling? The anxiousness that's pitting my stuff what what's going on? What am I feeling? Where is it coming from? But we should never feel shame or guilt about what we're feeling. And we should never dismiss it as being random or chance. We need to know part of living with amuna is knowing that the feeling itself is coming from hashem. Now what does hashem want me to do with this feeling? Why am I feeling this? anger towards him or someone else anxiousness about what will be whatever I'm feeling joy and happiness and satisfaction hopefully tremendous whatever the feeling that we're having is but know that that feeling itself writes not only not only do we not have regret not only and the ishbzer took that so far ishbz the school of ishbs takes that so far as to say so far as to This is going to sound incompatible with what we're about to do tonight and tomorrow. But even the aos, even the mistakes that we made are from Hashem. Ah, what happened to free will? Why are we accountable? Why are we responsible? Why are we coming to if they're also from Hashem? So, isb has to figure that out exactly what that means that they're it doesn't mean that you don't have accountability and responsibility, but it means you were meant to use your free will to make that mistake. What do you do about it now? What you do about it now is take responsibility and accountability. You step up and you make a difference with it. But as you're trying to understand and process the past to know that the goal of tonight and tomorrow, just to be clear, the absolute goal is not to beat ourselves up and knock ourselves down. One of the we're going to say is for the sin of what kind of sin of I thought V is a good thing for the sin of confession. Confession is our way out of the sin. Admitting confessing, pledging, promising to fix, remorse, regret. So what do you mean for the that we sinned with with confession? What's the sort of says you know what the is the simple understanding the usual translation is that I wasn't concentrating I didn't think about one thing it didn't go through didn't penetrate like Golinsky says you don't walk up to an empty house to knock on the door why because there's no point in knocking if nobody's home so the work of Araviper is to make sure that somebody's home so that oniper when we spend knocking there's somebody to answer. You don't go knock on an empty house because if you knock on a door in an empty house there's no point in knocking when nobody's home. So tonight tomorrow we're going to spend a lot of time with knocking. You don't knock if nobody's home. So make sure that you're home. That's why we're living with am on air of we're here this morning because we're working and all day we're going to spend time. Is someone home? What's happening inside me? Am I home? Am I present? Am I here? Am I a soul? Not a self. Am I here? Am I here? Elo, not ego. Who am I? Self-awareness. What am I? This past year, this coming year. So that we spend all this time knocking. Is somebody home? So the simple understanding is I spent a lot of time knocking and nobody was home. But says, I'm sure no was I misunderstood vidi that I used vidi to knock me down instead of to lift me up. We're not coming tonight and tomorrow to knock us down, to make us feel small, to fill us with shame and guilt because those are terribly unhealthy emotions and feelings. Those don't precipitate. Those are not catalysts. They're not springboards of growth and progress and change and transformation. You knock people down and you fill them with shame and you fill them with guilt, they usually spiral worse. They usually compound their problems. But when you say to someone that's what you did, it's not who you are. That may be what you did. It's not who you are. You're so much greater than that. You're so much more elevated than that. You can rise above that. You're greater. There's a beautiful medish. I was thinking about using it, but I guess I'm not going to now still got to write the dasha. There's a beautiful medius that says that we are gavoa. We are greater than our sins. Our sins are not greater than us. That means to say what does that med mean? What that means is are you greater than your mistakes or are your mistakes greater than you? Who are you? How are you defined? What is the sum total of your life? What is your legacy? Are you defined? Is your character is your identity? Are you your mistakes? Or are you greater than your mistakes? Which one is taller? And which one is greater? And what are we? We say we're going to say tonight and tomorrow. We're going to say to Hashem, have a in front of me that we know we're not. Now, one question which we won't answer right now, which I'm still working on finding a great compelling answer to is what are we throwing our parents under the bus for? You want to stand before and say, "I made mistakes. I haven't been such a good boy." But I say, "Hashem, I'm not here to tell you I'm perfect. My parents weren't perfect and I'm not perfect. My parents are sitting next to me going, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take care of myself and my sins. What are you throwing me?" We could picture our kids. Our kids are going to come to SH tonight, tomorrow, and say, "Hashem, I'm not perfect, but neither are my parents." Okay, I'll take care of my problems and my sins and my mistakes. So, that's a big question. Why are we in our own defense invoking our parents? They weren't perfect. We're not perfect. Their answers to it, not for now. But notice what we don't say. We say we're not here to tell you that we're righteous and we didn't sin. No, no. We're here to say we and our parents we sinned. What don't we say? I saw this this year. I don't remember where. I apologize. I can't quote it in the name of where I saw it. You know what we don't say? We don't say we're not here to tell you that we're righteous and we didn't sin. We're here to tell you we're not righteous and we did sin. We don't say that we're not righteous. We're not here to tell you. We leave out. We don't correct that we're not righteous. We don't say that. You know why? Because we are righteous. We're not correcting that. We're not here to say we're here to tell you that we are righteous but we made some mistakes was worth coming this morning just for that. Think about it tonight tomorrow many times that we're going to say it at the end of the vid. Why? Because what we're telling you is that we're greater than our sins. We are sadikim. We're sadikim who made a mistake. We are righteous. We're righteous who occasionally went wrong. It's not that we went wrong and therefore we're not righteous. And we're here tonight, tomorrow, we're going to beat you up. I'm miserable. I'm terrible. I'm nothing. I'm an ice farf. I'm a reject. I'm a low life. I'm a loser. I'm filled with such shame and I'm filled with such guilt and I'm not worthy. I'm inconsequential. I'm incapable. And I have no self-esteem and no selfworth and I'm a nothing. That's not what we're here to do. And that's why many people don't connect because that's what they think is being asked of them and they're just not ready to do that. What we're asked to do is saying, "I'm everything. Do you know who I am and what I'm capable? Do you know my potential? Do you know my possibility? But I' I've come up short. I failed and I've fallen and I've made some mistakes. And I'm here to own them, take responsibility and accountability for them and get right back on track to where I could go because I have another with Roma. I don't have an ego. I have elus." You're right. If I had ego, I would lose it when I filled with shame and guilt. But if I have elo, if I know who I am and what I can do and what I can be and where I can go and what I can accomplish and what my mission and what my purpose and why I'm here. So now I'm not here to beat myself up and knock myself down. I'm here to get going. If you if you've ever had to give or get an annual review or what EOS would call a quarterly conversation, everybody knows the goal of an annual review is not to beat up and fill with shame and guilt the person who reports to you. That's probably not going to make them work better or harder or be more successful. Everyone knows what you start with and end with is what's going right and well. Little this went well. That's going great. You're doing great in this area. You made a big difference here. I want to commend you. I want to recognize you. I want to praise you, but we've identified some areas that need some work. So, let's articulate them. I'd like you to acknowledge them. I'd like to come up with a plan for how we can improve upon them. And I'd like to get back together and we'll see whether the things that we said we were going to improve and work on whether we got there. And then we end with, but by the way, on the whole, things are going well and wonderful and we articulate again the areas that you're doing great. Right? That's a that's a proper review. That's a proper quarterly conversation that is most likely to get the employee to improve and to become better. I feel valued. I feel recognized. I feel overall I'm doing well. I feel appreciated. I am able to therefore acknowledge and admit these areas that I need work that need improvement that are not going well. I'm not talking about the employees so terrible you're about to let them go. Talking about somebody this is appropriate for. And uh and yes, I'm ready to admit that with no shame and guilt, but with honesty and appreciation that we've articulated it so I can work on it and report back on it and be held accountable for it. Yum kipper is our annual review with Hashem. We're coming before him and he saysim, you are sadikim and you're higher and you're greater than your and don't think this vido is about knocking you down or it's about knocking you out. It's not about being debilitated and it's not about being paralyzed by shame and guilt. It's about coming in to know you are a valued employee. Hashem says, "You are critical to my mission, to our brand, to what we're doing. I need you. If I didn't, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't have made it to Yipper. You You wouldn't be here right now. If you're here, it's because I'm renewing you. If if you're here, it's because I need you. You are a critical part of our brand, of our mission, of our purpose. You are critical and indispensable. But now let's spend a few minutes on what didn't go so well, what can we work on, how are we going to improve it, how will you report back on it. So I'm not here to knock you down shame and guilt and beat you up and tell you you're a loser and a low life and a nothing. I'm here to tell you you're indispensable and you're critical to my mission and I need you and I want you and you're doing wonderfully in so many areas and ways. But here's let's be honest where we need to let work. So when a person misunderstands the purpose of they have to clap on that I misunderstood voy and I thought and I used it to beat myself up instead of to lift myself up. The goal is to lift oursel up not to knock ourselves down. The goal is to know that we're sadikim who are bigger than our sins and that our sins and our mistakes are not bigger than who we are. The goal is to know the ems. And the MS is I wrote about this a couple weeks ago in the article on the imposttor syndrome. The ems is that the best moments and the best version of who we are is who we really are. And there's other moments we're being an impostor. Not the opposite. Not the opposite. Not the opposite. Was it the Reb, the alterba who theass came to and said, "I feel like a fraud. If I come to shul on yontiff when the rest of the year I don't dress like a act like a I'm not really living." So the rebba said, "You should come because it's on yontiff. That's the real you. The rest of the year you're living like a fraud." So we remember the goal is not to knock ourselves down, knock ourselves out. The goal is to know those best moments is the are the most real moments. And those worst moments, that's the impostor. That's the fraud. That's what we're working to improve. This is a quarterly conversation. This is a annual review. This is the annual review with Hashem. It does come quarterly because we're not quite done at Yum Kipper. Even though we're signed and sealed and the gates are going to close, you have tilla. And if you didn't quite get there on Asharaba, we know you have till Kaneka, the eth day of Kaneka. And if you didn't quite get through, you know, pur and twoish and purum and pes, you can let yourself out of the shackles, the chains, redeem yourself from the mistakes that you've made. This is much more than a quarterly conversation. This is a monthly conversation. This is a regular conversation we have with Hashem. Why? Because he wants the best for us and from us. And he needs us and he wants us and we need it. So, this isn't some I'm trying to paint the picture that don't come tonight with dread and fear and misery and shame and guilt and feeling how many times can I be knocked down. It's the opposite. Come tonight excited and looking forward. I love you Kipper. If you have productive proper annual reviews, >> then the employee looks forward to them. I feel seen and acknowledged and validated and appreciated. And I also if I'm growth oriented and I have a growth mindset, I'm ready to learn where I can improve and I'm excited to improve and to come back and demonstrate it. That's what is with Hashem. I thought that was to knock me down and didn't realize it's supposed to lift me up. That I thought that I shouldn't say. I thought I should say I'm not sadikim. That we're not sadikim. No, no, you are sadikim who are we are sadikim. We are right. We are righteous. We are greater than the mistakes that we've made. We're bigger than them. We're bigger than them. So let's finish up. That was about I want to get back to the last paragraph in this because I want to resume after sukus with something new. So just to finish this last paragraph, bear with me for three more minutes. What we've been learning and it does connect because this whole par has been the idea that don't wish you were somewhere else in the moment that we're in. Embrace that place because there is an aod from where we are. Whatever matzah we're in, there are highs and there are lows. There's closeness and there's distance. There's being on fire and there's feeling ice cold ice cold. There's a love letter to Hashem and then there's a letter I read to you to Hashem. We have ink all of these things of we have highs and lows godless and so whatever mat whatever moment whatever condition we're in there's an aod there's work to do in that place and from that moment. So we're on page in the right hand column. This is a critical principle in the service of what it means is to say like the woman in Walgreens. The woman in Walgreens should be the name of like a book or a country song. The woman in Walgreens like the woman in Walgreens. You say that's my matzah there. You know how many phone calls I got over the last few days with yum kipper shilas. Someone's pregnant. Someone's unhealthy. How many people have to take medication that they have to eat something? In fact, I just spoke to my father this morning. I got my braha from my father this morning. He's in Israel. So I had to for the time difference early. So he said to me, he said, "I just learned something. I read something it doesn't apply to him." He said, "I'm shocked by do you agree with it?" He said, "Yeah, what is it?" He said that if a person has to would have to break their fast, better to stay home, miss all of dining in the air conditioning, not go outside where it's hot, not stand and davin. Better to stay home and be less likely to have to break a fast than go to shul if it makes you more likely to break a fast. That's 100%. It's 100% because fasting is mida. Fasting you were biblically obligated to do. I'll tell you a little secret. In the time of the ba mikdash, the time of the temple, the kenul, the high priest performed all the avod of yum kiper. Our whole yum kip was just fasting and waiting for the all clear from the ken. That was yum kipper fasting a few prayers. But there was no all day in there was no the god did the work. We fasted and waited to get the all clear from him. Today we obviously have rabbitically introduced all else that we do but still the main mitzvah is fasting. So so he was shocked by that and sadly there were many people that I had to tell that to said you know I'm worried if I come to I can get faint and because of these conditions and then I would have to I said then you should stay home. You should stay home and do it at home. But what does that mean? What will my davin look like? How how short will my din be? Who's going to lead me in singing and lead the aod and my bowing down? What does that mean? That's exactly what he's saying is to know if that's my mat. If that's where I meant to be that year, if that's where I meant to be that year, that's where I meant to be that year. You know, Greenblat Zat from Memphis, the incredible biography about him, he was a mamish at Saddak. One of the things that he did was Mad Gitten. He helped women get a get. He helped make sure to give a get so that nobody and I think in the book it tells a story of one year the timing of giving the get demanded that he had to fly somewhere where the only way that husband was going to give the get meant he spent yum kipper alone in a hotel room by himself this enormous time this tremendous spent not with a minion alone in a hotel room with his moxer to ensure to enable that woman to get her gay. And I didn't know him, but I can promise you he did it with a smile and with because he understood that in a hashem, whatever matzah you're in, that's where you're meant to be. And that was his matzah of that year. There are people who had to spend in a hospital room. People have to spend at home because they can't go. That's the matzahmed sends out in her women's group of Rebbits and group a message every year. They're people with small children. It's very hard. often young women in school in seminary. They're building up. My daughter printed out all these 17 different vidoy thoughts and mindful exercises and you're in that space in seminary and you can have the longest of your life and then hal for those who want you get married and you have a child and all of a sudden you have a baby and you're a homekeeper. You're not printing nothing. You'll be lucky if you get the fastest in the world out without your kid destroying your house. And now these women say, "I thought that like to be the most religious person, I've got to be in shel all day. First one there, last one to leave longish." And now I'm sitting on my couch watching my kid cleaning up drool and changing a diaper and and looking at the clock. And so she has a beautiful message every year. That's your mat. Motherhood is your mission. That's your matzah. That's where you're meant to be. Where's your avodashem in that mission? So this is such a yum kipper message also. What's our mat for the person who does have to break their that's their that's their that's their condition that's their mission that's the sim says if you if you're only interested in the where you get to be in sh all day with the best and the singing and the incredible tunes and you're way singing the harmony away and you can't embrace your mission in your mat of being home, then it was never really about it was about you love those tunes and that harmony and that feeling and being in. If it's really about Hashem, then you figure out how to lean into your aod wherever you are. Because if it's about what's my mission, what's my mission? What's my mission? This is in the Who said those words? This is bum. When is it true? When are we demonstrating and displaying that he's the king and we're coronating him and we are singing to him and we are declaring his dominion, his kingdom over the world. When when we say, "Hey, king, what's my next mission? What's my next mission? I don't only want the assignment when it's big and glorious and fun. What's my mission? Cleaning the toilet, picking up the garbage, changing the diaper. I'm serving you in whatever mission, whatever is my next assignment." When you embrace every assignment, no matter how great or small, then you demonstrate it's about the king. But when you only want the mission, which is great, and the one that's small you reject, then it was never about the king. It was about you and ego and ego. Now I love it when things come together. This is a hasht moment. We are ending our we're ending amuna before our little break till after circus. We're ending our with a line coincidence? >> I don't think so. And what is this? Literally, the last words of the safer and the last words that we're learning are what we're meant to be doing right now, which is to be hashem. We're coronating God as a king. You know who's not the king? Not the United Nations, not this prime minister, not that president. None of them are king. Not even President Trump, Israel's greatest friend, as BB said, because he knows how to play by far. Not the king of kings is the only king, and he's orchestrating everything that's happening. And we're coronating him in a world that desperately needs it. And we're longing for a time of when everyone will surrender and submit and recognize he's in charge and he's in control. the Arab world and the European Union and the United Nations and when everyone who thinks that they're in charge will surrender and submit when Hashem is the king and he rules over all the nations of the world. So how do we demonstrate that we believe that we we live that that that's our truth when we accept our mission. When is it about the king? When you say to the king where do you need me next? What's my next mission? What's my next mission? Then it's about the king. But if you say I I only take a mission if it's near a Ritz Carlton or Four Seasons. You could send me on my mission. How's the air conditioning? You could send me on my mission. Are there 17 different types of flesh kosher restaurants? Is there a sushi place? Is there a smoked meat place? Is there But if you say send me on my mission and wherever you sent me is where I'm meant to be and I'm in then it's really about the king. So my dear friends my amuna community wishing everyone a kasimata may it be a year that we embrace our mission. May our matzov may our mission be near a ritz carlton in a four seasons near a smokehouse on a sushi platter. May our mats of and our mission be in a place of comfort and pleasure and satisfaction. But wherever our mission whatever our matzv wherever we may find ourselves may we find Hashem there. May we have the strength and courage to embrace our place and to know that we are where I'm meant to be. That even like the woman in Walgreens, the newest country song, the woman in Walgreens, may we embrace our place. My laptop is telling me low battery, your MacBook will sleep soon unless plugged in. I appreciate that it says it's going to sleep because I find it very harsh when your technology dies. It's going to sleep. It's going to wake up from its sleep. I'm going to plug it in. It's going to wake up. Why should it have to die? It's a very harsh thing that it die. It's going to sleep and it's going to wake up. So, we should all wake up to a wonderful year, a happier, healthy year. And most of all to Bisorus told us we should share good news with one another. Hostages home, our soldiers safe. Have a meaningful Yum Kipper and we'll see you on the other side. Hashem.