Mastering our Middos: Anger Management

okay good evening everyone thank you for coming and joining for the next installment of our mastering amidos series tonight we're going to try to speak about to work on to improve to support one another and what might be the most pernicious the most dangerous most self-destructive the most damaging negative quality that there is and if you think that I am being bold and Brazen and asserting just how dangerous anger is we'll see that even those who encourage and promote walking the golden mean finding the healthy medium of qualities in life they agree that when it comes to this quality there's nothing Redemptive there's nothing positive there's nothing constructive about it anger is only dangerous destructive it clouds our judgment it destroys relationships and we'll speak a little bit about maybe some practical suggestions and tips and understanding what predisposes US what draws us towards that emotion a raw emotion that lacks any intellect at all and maybe some strategies about how we can confront it but a bigger statement to begin with Leo Tolstoy the famous Russian writer once said everybody wants to change this world but nobody wants to change themselves everybody wants to change the world we all have great ideas of policies we all have ideas for major changes for the world we have things that we see in and want to change about others we all want to change the world but he bemoaned that people don't want to change themselves and I disagree I disagree because I see the best in people and I hear from people all the time and I have the privilege the incredible distinct privilege of often like tonight sitting behind the table and talking to people who show up on a uh what's it Tuesday I'm still thrown off by uh Labor day and yesterday who show up on a Tuesday night many after a full day's work other after a full days of doctor's appointments other full days of cooking for Rosh Hashanah and why are you here not just because you hope it'll be entertaining you can find entertainment elsewhere you come because we want to change ourselves plaster is wrong we want to change ourselves but most often we don't know where to begin we don't know how to do it we've tried countless times we've been through the motions another yellow another rosh hashan another Yom Kipper more resolutions more promises more commitments more kabbalahs and it's not just us because we're about to Mark and celebrate the Jewish New Year but every year the data shows that when it comes to the secular New Year the Gregorian New Year that's when the gym memberships across the world in the United States as well that's when they Spike resolutions to get in shape to take care of Health but statistics show but by the second week of February eighty percent of the new gym members stop coming it's a good business the gym business January 1st you pick up a whole slew of new members and you don't have to service them or take care of them because just wait a few weeks they will have paid their membership optimistically and filled with hope and filled with promise and filled with a commitment that surely this time will be different how often how frequent how transformational and by the second week of February they stop coming 45 of Americans make New Year's resolutions only 10 percent are successful at keeping them and at meeting their goals and one has to imagine that some similarity must exist between this phenomenon when it comes to the secular New Years and a lot of when it comes to hours when it comes to Rosh Hashanah Yom Kippur a time that motivates and stimulates and challenges and provokes us to want to change so how do we do it how do we do it so one of my heroes every year in our Circle we go around in addition to the USPS and we ask if you can meet and sit and talk to anyone who would it be who's no longer alive and there were times where my answer was the piezets that's now we spoke about him in people of the book I'm sure he could find it somewhere online in Poland served as the rabbi in the war so ghetto and after the uprising it was later shot and murdered by the Nazis in the troniki labor camp his family was murdered he was a extraordinarily special person not just because he gave his life to dial kirish Hashem but his Insight his advice his wisdom he was a prolific author he was a Russia Shiva a speaker he was a musician a composer he played music he composed music it was an extraordinarily special person the ish kodish a rabbit of Weinberger named kodesh for the piezets in addition to his works he's known as the ishkodash because in among the Unix Shabbos archives only two of which were recovered one is still buried somewhere under the Warsaw Ghetto were the writings a collection the notes the scraps of paper of the drushas rabbis think today it's hard to give sermons he stood in front of the Warsaw Ghetto a group of Jews who were being tortured and oppressed whose family were murdered who knew their likely end and he had to find something to say every week to them and he wrote on scraps of paper and they were buried with the anikshabba's archives and recovered who knows if all were recovered and what is yet to be found and they were collecting but long before he was so identified and associated with martyrdom because that's nereba was he had enormous Insight he was prescient way ahead of his time the introduction to his introduction to a student's obligation which has been translated into English I don't know if it's available probably find it online for some exorbitant price because I don't think it's in it's published anymore um in the Hebrew it is the introduction is not written to students in Yeshiva it's written to parents and Educators and I don't think anyone should be allowed to be an educator or a parent you shouldn't be allowed to take your baby home from the hospital and you shouldn't be allowed to stand in front of the classroom until you've read the PSS now for another time why it's so brilliant why it's so critically important but one of his Major Works wonderful works is a small very small work called savvisirus savvaziras is a spiritual diary spiritual diary means a normal Diaries here's what I had for breakfast here's what I'll get along with he's left me out of school this is the job I mean again isn't that a diary I'm not minimizing journaling and having a diary is wonderful but this is a spiritual diary it's a spiritual ups and downs and spiritual ambition and spiritual struggles and he lets us into his world it too has been translated and he writes the following I'll read it to you in the English if you want to know if you've progressed on your spiritual path over the year the way to judge is to look at your resolution your inner drive and not at your wishes only the inner drive with which you work to attain your desired goal is called resolution but if you don't work rather you just want it's not called a resolution it is just some wish that you wish for yourself to be blessed with that desired objective for example the papa who works to sustain himself this is a drive he's doing something constructive toward it but the wish shall find a million dollars is just a wish to be rich not a resolution every Jew would like to be at sadik but this is no more than a wish I'd like to wake up in the morning and suddenly find himself at sadik only the level instead of being that you seriously work toward can truly be called a resolution one paragraph one short entry in a spiritual diary topaziras but it can transform your whole Rosh Hashanah Yom Kippur in your whole life distinguishes between what he calls a wish and a resolution what's the difference between the two he says a wish it's a hope it's a dream you want to wish I wish to wake up tomorrow and be this many pounds lighter I wish to wake up tomorrow morning and have this much hair grown back on my head I wish to wake up tomorrow morning and never get angry never get jealous never get uh swell with arrogance or Pride I wish I wish I have a bigger house and a nicer car and a better job I wish to have more Shalom bias I wish I wish I wish all of us are filled with wishes we have a wish list of life but a wish doesn't happen because change is not a Genie in a Bottle that you wish and then the next day you wake up and your wish comes true you need a resolution and a person has to be honest with themselves to know the difference between a wish and a resolution a wish a want but a want does not work a resolution is here's an outcome that I want and here's my plan how to get there here's my analysis here's my understanding here's my strategic thinking here's my methodology here's my resolution here's what I'll measure to see if I'm successful if you want to change if you want to redeem yourself if you want a big build live your best life if you want to master your midos then you can't just have a list of wishes I wish to be less weight I wish to be younger looking I wish to be more common patient I wish to be more generous I wish I wish I wish as I wishes those are wishes I wish to be done with that Capital campaign so I stopped at a gas station today and I bought a Mega Millions ticket and a Powerball ticket but I admit that those are wishes it's a wish I wish to later tonight find out I won and we could be done we're done we could build whatever we want and need that's a wish it's a wish Hashem at least my experience with previously buying tickets says Goldberg this wish is not coming true you need to do the work it's going to be a resolution you're going to have to work to bring about that reality and what's true for this particular project that I'm not working on alone is true for all of us in our lives whatever quality you met whatever me though we want to master tonight we're going to focus on anger momentarily but says the rabbit the secret is to be honest with ourselves and to ask ourselves is this a wish or a resolution I take a Kabbalah I'm working in these days of Elo I look at my life and my interaction with my spouse with my children with my neighbor with my friends with my colleagues and with my creator and the changes that are necessary are they simply wishes so I hope to wake up the next morning and have those wishes come true because that's never going to happen or are they work are we prepared to work are we prepared to do the resolution to make them come true we want to want do we really want and the evidence of whether we just want to want or really want is by what we do do we have a plan do we spell it out do we articulate it do we have accountability Partners do we tell the people around us to hold us accountable do we have deadlines and timelines and are we going to measure whether we're successful and in order to formulate a plan whatever it is you want to work on everyone in this room want to increase our learning and improve our davening and improve our testing and improve our we all have things that we need to work on and we need to have resolutions not wishes towards achieving them they include not only articulating honestly with ourselves a resolution and all the other ingredients to changing a habit spoke about last year two years ago Atomic habits all the other strategies for changing a habit but they also include identifying and knowing and trying to navigate and eliminate the pitfalls and the obstacles and the traps to which we've Fallen previously how many diets could we be on how many times are we going to start again and make a promise I'm not going to yell I'm not going to get angry that's our topic for tonight how many times are we going to and fail and fail again and fail again because their biggest failure is a failure to identify and understand where we went wrong and what was our failure review and it's safer coach the pasta can tell them means I became wise what does it mean from my enemy I became wise says it means I gain wisdom and I gain strategy from studying the eight Sahara the eight Sahara doesn't take no for an answer it's ahara never gives in Sahara makes resolutions not just Wishes the itsahara is always working and working overtime and may I Vie from that enemy that's placing traps and pitfalls and obstacles in my way that's trying to distract me that's trying to get me to just uh give in only when I identify the obstacles and the hazards and I have a plan to avoid them only now will I be able to grow and break through so for a plan or a resolution to be serious it has to be articulated you can write it down you could Journal you could take notes you could share with others but it should have a timeline and it should have goals and they should be measured and we have to understand and evaluate where did I go wrong last time I tried this and how will I navigate it this time how will I work my way around it so which brings us to the meter that's just an overall comment on mastering our midos and I've shared it before but this Insight of the psf lared but for me is very powerful because it's a LOL of dreams and really just being dishonest with ourselves by saying I want but it's really a wish versus an ELO or Rosh Hashanah which leaves us transformed because we finally make those resolutions a resolution in learning in patience in humility in love in generosity in any area that we need work so the one media that's most responsible for ruining families for destroying businesses for forfeiting millions of dollars for compromising health for giving up on happiness is anger is anger I have a long way to go myself but if I had a doubt I don't want to pretend I'm sitting on this side of the desk I could have a parade of people come through to give the rebuttal to my being the one who's presenting this I'm just sharing what I'm working on myself but if I ask about a dollar for how many conflicts that have come to my office whether it's couples whose marriage is in crisis whether it's business partners who are splitting whether it's fights between parents and children who aren't talking and children who've blocked their parents number or the opposite so much of it some of it comes back to traces back to anger anger anger you know one of my favorite scotman John gottman the great marriage Authority all of his books are wonderful he spoke here at the shul so John gottman says every time a fight occurred there was a conversation that needed to happen but the fight took place instead there was a fight and fights are because people are different and those differences are what make life meaningful and Enhanced Life is a connect though and this is not the time to talk about Sean Bice and marriage but we don't look to marry our clone there is no such thing and that is not a healthy marriage we try to find the person who will compliment us and supplement us and bring out the best in us and it is a connect though because no two people are exactly the same but how do we navigate those differences how do we become enriched by those differences how do we improve and become better version of ourselves from those differences so that's where difference of opinions come up should we have flashes for dinner or milks for dinner for example fundamental monumental consequential decisions and differences like that so every time a fight happened there was a conversation that needed to take place but the fight happened instead and I'd say the same thing with anger every time there was a reaction or response of anger some emotion was stimulated some reaction was provoked and something positive could have come from it but when it expresses itself at anger it is destructive it is pernicious research shows that anger Cloud's judgment distorts perspective deprives you the ability to see another point of view anger prevents you from feeling empathy anger is linked to high blood pressure to inflammation infections heart disease cancer one study found a tripled risk of stroke during the two hours following an angry outburst I always wonder how they measure such things do they get people angry and then see if they have a stroke do they examine stroke victims and quickly ask them were you yelling at someone I don't know how they measure it but triple the risk of all these things so all of us are spending a lot of money and a lot of effort and a lot of time trying to live our healthiest selves but if you fly off the handle you're filled with rage and outrage you get angry you yell and scream blood pressure inflammation heart disease cancer it's not debatable it all goes up enormously mental health anger also totally has a negative impact on our mental health which demands Serenity and tranquility and calmness doesn't mean that there aren't things that get a reaction out of us sometimes outrage is okay if not rage and we'll talk about the difference between the two but totally self-destructive and this was an Insight the great stapler gone the berges peritas on the Macos the second Maca the second plague I know it's Rosh Hashanah not pesach that's why you can calmly hear the star Torah without it making you angry because it's six months away but the Torah tells us gazal interpret when it came to the plague of frogs here in South Florida we can appreciate lizards and reptiles and frogs and iguanas and when they seem to be multiplying all around us and can be felt to be a plague so Hazard tell us something really astonishing about these frogs they were very very unusual frogs if you hit the Frog you know what happened the double the multiplied yeah two frogs if you hit the two they became four they were like Gremlins I don't know if you fed them at night but if you hit them they multiplied so the beer has parrots type Lagoon asks a very very obvious question certainly once he asks it which is how big a plague could this have become after all the first time you hit one frog you didn't know better so you tried to catch it he tried to capture it and you hit it but then you saw that one play frog became two so you thought this was just an anomaly an outlier unusual really they were too well along he just didn't see them now you saw them once again it's like whatever you saw in your head so you hit the two and then they became four you hit the floor they became eight they became 16. at some point between the 16 and the 16 million frogs you should have said to yourself this isn't working these frogs they react differently when you hit them so why did the people bring about this plague they brought a plague on their own home a plague in their own lives because they continued to defrost parents and sniper asks and he says something so insightful he has such a brilliant answer says the stipler that's how anger works when we're angry the blood flows from the front of our brain to the back it goes from what is uniquely human thoughtfulness and insight and Analysis to the animal fight or flight it shuts down our judgment it clouds our thinking and it makes us act in a self-destructive way when a person loses themself in anger and we've seen it if we don't want to admit we've been it which is we behave in such a way that we're not even present and mindful and thoughtful while we do there are it's dangerous to try at home but there are parenting experts and others who for a child is struggling with rage in a subtle way that won't evoke further rage when they're flying off the handle to find a way to even record them in a state of calm they could look back and see there have been people who've flown off the handle filled with rage yelling with anger in the next day or later that night someone says you said this you threw that you behave this way he said what are you talking about I never said that I never threw that I never did that is the person lying not intentionally but when one is in a state of Rage when one loses themself to such a place of anger they literally don't even remember it's an out of Body Experience they're not themselves they can't even see themselves there's no self-reflection what makes us uniquely human something animals don't have is the ability to have self-reflection we can step outside ourselves and see ourselves and that's what motivates us to regulate ourselves that's exactly what allows us to express the Free Will spoke about the partial this morning that is free will comes from the capacity to have self-reflection see ourselves from kilo outside ourselves animals don't have that no animal says how do I look in these genes do I look nice in this dress am I gaining weight what do you no animal has self-awareness self-reflection what it's doing where it's doing with whom it's doing it they just follow their Instinct their impulse their intuition the human being can step outside itself and look and say how do I need to regulate myself to be a better version of myself but when we're angry we lose that capacity we lose our mind we go crazy in fact the Latin word for anger rage comes from the Latin rabies rabies is madness giving into rage is an act of Madness a person who gets angry is going mad they never occur you use the same word in English to describe somebody who's angry about something they're mad and someone has lost their mind has gone mad because when we get angry we lose our mind we lose our mind we say things and do things which actually hurt ourselves and that's what the stipler is saying he's saying the Maca of sorry Daya came about because the Meda of Cass when we get angry we lose ourselves our judgment is clouded we act in a self-destructed way so the whole plague didn't have to come the Egyptians brought a plague upon their house they brought a plague upon themselves all why because they lost themselves they got angry so the first thing to realize is that anger never has a positive outcome anger is never productive not anger we'll see the rambam talks about feigning anger if a child runs in the middle of the street and you need to react in a way that will leave an impression they'll never do it again you can act like you're angry you can never lose yourself to anger because when you lose yourself to anger you've lost yourself you forfeit what makes you uniquely human your Godly Soul we're given to the animal impulse and animal Instinct and we bring about destruction in our path we bring a plague onto our home person who gets angry is filled with rage who reacts harshly within their home whose spouse whose children sit there and walk on eggshells and live in fear and simply conform to what they want because they're afraid of the outcome they lost all these relationships they look on the surface like they're there but they're really empty and they're really Hollow so the first thing to realize is this isn't a quality that I should really tone down or that really expresses itself sometimes in a good way this is a quality that has nothing Redemptive nothing productive it never brings about a good outcome the good modern fact tells us all done the gumar tells us anyone who gives in indulges anger it's as if you've worshiped an idol why what Idol are you worshiping when you get angry Sun the moon a block of marble what are you worshiping when you get angry what's the answer who and what are you worshiping yourself and the idol that you're worshiping is you your ego where does all anger come from because someone is not behaving in the way that I wanted them to because the world is not reacting the way I wanted it to because events are not unfolding nature is not occurring life is not treating me the way I drew it up the way I prescribed the way I anticipated the way I want and when it doesn't when you leave the Lego in the middle of the floor or when the business deal went wrong or when the light turned red or more like the light turned green I won't say which country I visited this summer where the light turns yellow before it turns green and I believe scientifically it is physically impossible I don't know how they hit the horn before your foot could get to the gas pedal but the person didn't go when I wanted them to go so people get angry at the core at the source at the root of all anger is the ego and the idol that's being worshiped when we give in and indulge anger is worshiping ourselves and our ego and the ego is the biggest obstacle to any relationship the self the ego is the biggest impediment and interferes in our relationship with Hashem with the people around us and with ourselves we can't worship at the altar of our ego which expresses itself in Anger which causes us to lose judgment and vision and then we act in a self-destructive ways if one lost a beautiful flower it would be Madness for him to react by breaking a precious object worth thousands of times more than the small flower similarly the person who loses his temper shatters his peace of mind a commodity far more precious than the relatively trivial loss which triggered his anger just think about what makes us angry and then our anger escalates and now we spoke in a way we shouldn't have to somebody that we claim to love and now our ego gets in the way from us apologizing or admitting and so we go hours or a night or days without speaking and the whole situation escalates and the thing that we were upset about which was trivial and insignificant and unimportant all of a sudden now we've compromised and we've hurt a relationship or people that we love or a business deal or opportunity or client or customer or income we could have had it is nothing short of rabies of Madness getting mad is mad getting angry is an act of Madness it's forfeiting our very Humanity it's forfeiting our godliness and it destroys us it has no place in our repertoire there's no place in our in our lives what is this series called mastering r medos why are they called Meadows what's amida amida is a we translated as character trade but the word media does not in fact mean character trait the word Meda means a measure midos are measures why are character traits called measures very beautiful analogy I've shared it many times and I'll keep sharing it till I get it right I don't know about you the organ sadikim says a recipe you make chicken soup does chicken soup need pepper yes does it need salt I don't know what your recipe is don't don't send me an email that I don't know what I'm talking about I never made chicken soup I'm just guessing what's in there it needs salt need salt I need salt so it's salt good for chicken soup it depends if you put in too much salt you destroy it if you put in too little salt it's no good it doesn't have a flavor what do you need the right the right Meda you need the right measure of spices so midos our character traits are like spices they belong in our life the question is what measure I give an example it's one that's going to come up soon the Jewish people are described when we are incorrigible and God can't take it anymore to give up on us we are a stiff-neck stubborn people I'm keshe Olaf and yet when Hashem is ready to get rid of us and Moshe appeals to him and Advocates on our behalf what's his argument this is Hashem have mercy be flexible let it go you know why there's black people I don't understand the very liability you're now advancing as an asset which is it good or bad to be stiff-necked and the answer is yes the answer is both it depends on what measure depends on what measure stubbornness can be a good quality this is much of what the PSS number writes about in that where he bemoans the parents who try to squash and extinguish a character trait within a child that they think has no place but that can be the most redeeming thing about them so for example he says you have this child this toddler they insist on buckling the car seat themselves you're running late you got to get to school carpool work driving you crazy and you're gonna break the stubbornness and then they insist on putting on their own shoes and you're going to break you're going to destroy the stubbornness that's right he doesn't give stubbornness as the example but others right stubbornness will be the biggest asset because when your child grows up and others blow at the wind others give up on their Yiddish kite others are influenced by their surrounding you're a stubborn child will cling to the values that you imbued in them stubbornness is wonderful when others are willing to give up the stubborn child will remain steadfast to whatever is their goal so don't destroy the don't medicate unnecessarily sometimes it's warranted but don't go and say I just need this child so it's easy because that's the rubber does give the example of the child who gets filled with rage there are some children who go from one to ten it takes 20 years and there's some children who can go from one to ten faster than your Tesla faster than your Lamborghini faster than your Ferrari they can go very quick their face turns red they're yelling they're flying off the handle again appears that's there but does give us example there and he says you're tempted to squash extinguish that quality that attribute that rage he says don't that's a passion that blood flowing through their veins is an energy an enthusiasm a passion it all needs to be channeled it all needs to be directed so amidos good or bad depends what measure too much pepper in the show and you'll destroy it too little barbecue sauce in the challenge it's no good yes that I know what I'm talking about that one kale and anything is no good it's all the uh it's all a question of what measure what measure you put in so that's true with every quality says it's all a question of what measure you add how much you put in how much you put in there are two exceptions to that rule what are the two exceptions to that rule they don't belong in any measure they don't belong in any recipe they don't belong in any pot they don't belong in any food that you prepare they do not belong in our lives whatsoever and those two qualities that are written and agreed upon by both the ramban and the rambam are really I would argue not two separate qualities but one in the same and they are the qualities of anger and arrogance anger and arrogance the ramban writes it in his letter and the rambam writes it let me read it to you we'll start with the rambam the rambam writes deos pereg base their qualities that you don't walk the golden mean that you don't have at the right measure that you don't include to some degree other qualities you have to have a little bit but these two don't belong at all and what are they who governs you have to be exceedingly humble exceedingly modest to realize it's all a gift from Hashem everything is alone nothing's owned by us he's in charge he's in control don't take credit don't swell with pride don't let your ego get in the way don't be arrogant person has to be Moshe was a rabbi said exceedingly humble no shemits no Trace nothing of arrogance of arrogance any arrogance you're a heretic arrogance is heresy why because if you're arrogant there's not enough room in this world for you and Hashem to dwell side by side you're competing with God think you're in charge of the you're in control to get us to go your way an arrogant person drives out God that's what they say ego is an acronym ego stands for edging God out ego is edging God out you work for him or he works for you your rules are his rules who's in charge who's in control when a person has an inflated ego when a person expresses their ego ego is edging God out it's cover of vehicle and says the rambam the second quality islamode Casa's pernicious it's destructive it's terrible the mode you have to go to the opposite extreme gentle and soft and kind-hearted and patient s thank you personally has to condition and teach themselves to not get angry even on that which is justifiable to be angry about is your served kale for dinner still start to stay calm come come on you can feign great performance can act like you're angry if you need to sometimes to communicate a message but you can never indulge you can never get angry and a rabbi said if you get angry it's as if you killed if you're wise if you're smart if you're a sage does you get angry you forfeit you lose all your all your wisdom if you're a prophet You can predict the future you lose those predictive Powers listen to those words of the rambam your person is known to instill anger you yell you scream you make people fear you're harsh are strong could be true on text or email not only in person and not only out loud if you're such a person you have forfeited your life your life is no life what is the rambam right there because he knew the studies he happened to have been a doctor he knew what it will do to your heart disease and inflammation and likelihood of cancer he knew what it will do to your mental health maybe yes you drive away all the people that give you life your family doesn't want anything to do with you your friends are afraid of you your employees or co-workers tiptoe around you again says we have to go and run in the opposite direction and we can't even feel anger even for the things that generally can get us angry to walk away concludes the path of the righteous they can be insulted but they never insult back even they can be ridiculed but they don't ridicule back they're happy they dance earlier that if a person is insulted and they don't respond in kind of from such a person in that moment a person who has the discipline the self-control can regulate themselves that they're insulted they're embarrassed they're shamed they're spoken to posters hung up about them they're treated unfairly or spoken about unfairly online that a person has called names the person is yelled at that that a person is spoken about behind their back and you know what they do they say what other people think about me is none of my business keep your head down and do what we have to do and it's all about Hashem and serving him from such a person if you're ever present and one person is bashing on another and that other person doesn't respond they don't lose their dignity they don't lose their cool they don't get angry go up to such a person and get a bracha they are in a position to give a bracha the Rama is good according says this is the defining characteristic of Our Lives tell us a person is identified I don't hear that I don't think I've ever been asked in the reference any of the three have you ever had a drink with him or her have you ever seen them get angry how do they act what makes them get angry how do they act when they're upset disappointed or frustrating do they get angry and kiso are they generous are they magnanimous do they love to bring other people happiness and share what they have are they the ones always looking to get the free meal or offering to pay for that meal for the other kisokasa okoso those are the three ways when I was in Yeshiva we added another cook which was the court the basketball court if you want to know somebody in court a little bit older now so it's the tennis court not the basketball court but if you really want to get to know somebody see how they react see how they behave see who they are see who they are that is the defining characteristic of a person it's also defining characteristic of whether that person is do they want life if you want life stay calm cool collect be thoughtful regulate yourself be in control never indulge that animal part of the brain the fight or flight the Instinct don't worship the ego and Edge God out you have to learn to have that self-awareness we have to come up with a resolution of how we're going to challenge ourselves to be banachas to not raise our voice to stay calm cool and collect the ramban says the same thing and it's safer foreign what should one dose wrote to his son it's in the back of almost every sitter we are encouraged to read it regularly the ramban wrote it as a letter to his son to review it's very short packs a punch short packed with wisdom life wisdom so the machine how can a person grow in your Shaman he opened up the Garrison and he started to read song I think it's Alvin freed it's I won't sing it for you is what form of the verb reflexive what is reflexive nobody uses that word what is reflect I mean other than when they're offering a translation of hitpile what is reflexive something we do to ourselves something we do to ourselves in other words we regulate ourselves regulate yourself accustom yourself condition yourself that everything you say and everything you speak no one should ever find you screaming the decibel level should never rise you should never be yelling to everyone and at all times and that's the formula you accustom yourself you condition yourself you come up with a resolution not a wish to always be calmly cool and collect and what will happen to visit and then you will avoid you've never seen someone who's angry speaking stuff speaking like that that you you can't if you speak calmly you are regulating your anger you are depriving and suffocating you're denying the oxygen to that anger that it can't grow offers us This brilliant formula the kashati natural continues and when you're spared when you're saved from anger always speak softly and gently and sweetly and kindly no matter what no matter what anyone's doing to you about you behind you but to always be gentle and sweet and soft-spoken and then you'll be spared from anger and when you're spared from anger you know what happens when you never get angry when you realize this didn't go the way I wanted this didn't go the way I anticipated or predicted this isn't what I hoped but I'm not getting angry because I don't get angry I also don't get even but I don't get angry I don't get angry I just stay calm you know what ends up happening the result of reflexively when a person conditions himself works on themselves calms themselves regulates themselves has a self-awareness about themselves so much so they never raise their voice they speak calmly to all people at all times then they don't get angry you know what happens and you don't get angry you know what an area you improve on then you know it will come on your heart the quality of humility and once you're a humble person now there's room for God and now you'll feel awe on the days of all the Yaman narayim and these days of all you'll be capable of having awe if you have arrogance you can't have all they don't go together that's why we struggle we are a generation that struggles to feel awe because we're too arrogant we event we have Chachi BT and Waze and Google Maps and Google and we have access to terabytes of info we can do anything anytime any we have it all so God you were impressive so Chachi BT till AI but now we think we're so arrogant and we drive God out the prerequisite to awe of God or I don't mean fear oh I mean like with the word awesome before it was taken over was meant to be communicating it's awesome that's awesome when you see a genius an artist an athlete scholar you see incredible kindness that's awesome it's awesome so all of God is that's he's his world it's all it's I have oh I have Goosebumps it's awesome you can't feel that unless you feel humility and you can't feel humility unless you don't get angry and you won't stop getting angry until you learn to speak calmly sure is you know what area you need to work on anger now he also writes this is an important Insight maybe we'll highlight more another time but he also writes something else very important he says people forget you know who else you have to speak to Banaras with um there are those who didn't learn in kelm from the altar of kelvin's great muscle Giant and therefore they didn't learn that among the people that we need to speak always kindly and gently all people of all times also means how we talk to ourselves too many people beat themselves up are angry and frustrated and disappointed in themselves have low self-esteem and low self-worth and feel they're not worthy or deserving of anything there are people who don't express the anger outwardly towards other but are consumed with anger at themselves and said that when the ramban writes speak gently and kindly to all people in all places included in all people in all places is even when we've made mistakes and even when we've come up short and even we behaved in ways we've regret we have to speak to ourselves there are messages we need to hear but is getting angry just like anger at others is never productive anger at ourselves is also never a productive quality anger is never productive it's never good it's never good both agree that all other qualities belong in some measurements some Mida the one that doesn't belong in our repertoire in our recipe whatsoever are arrogance and anger which are really one of the same because when do we get angry when we're arrogant and if we stop if we can stop and here's a strategy I want to share with you it's a strategy for mastering all me those and it's a strategy that's very difficult to employ but it's almost impossible to change or grow without it and that is to realize the following are you ready to know that there is a pause between the urge and the action we mistakenly think that when I feel an urge and the urge can be towards anger towards Envy towards arrogance the urge can be towards Cape Cod potato chips we're looking at something I shouldn't look at or sharing gossip or slander or being critical of another there are all kinds of urges that can overtake us and we think once I feel the urge it's too late I'm already in the cabinet on the bottom of the bag once I feel the urge it's too late I've binge watch I've watched I've surfed things I shouldn't look at once I feel the urge it's too late I've raised my voice I flew off the handle I indulge that anger I lost my cool we mistakenly think that once the urge arrives the action is immediately a continuation of it but the key the secret shouldn't be a secret to change into growth is to realize that between the urge and the action there is a pause I feel hunger I feel tempted I want to go eat something and it may not be the right time the right quantity the right food I can sit on that urge for a moment I can honor and validate that urge I can recognize that urge I can speak with that urge and at times I may choose to indulge that urge when it's not categorically prohibited but I can in appropriate quantity but I can then regulate the action once I've properly address the urge instead of assuming the urge has to lead to the action so there is a moment a pregnant pause between when something bothers us and when we get angry we can live in that moment in that space we can Embrace that pause and we can choose that no matter who has the point that disappointed me no matter how I'm not going to yell I'm not going to get angry I'm not going to call the name I'm not going to fly off the end I'm not going to compare them to their mother or their father or to say they're just like this one or that one but I'm going to think how I can deal with this productively how can I deal with this in a way that will bring the outcome that I want in a proper way how can I use my seller Melo Kim to productively stimulate an outcome that I'm looking for we're almost out of time so we don't have time but there was a posse in our passion I wanted to bring your attention Apostle says Hashem will never forgive that party hashem's anger and passion will rage against them till every sanctioned according his book comes down upon them so how does that describe Hashem hashem's anger is always described how ah Eric Hashem what's an off a nose now I'm going to be accused of being anti-Semitic but this is not me this is rash I on that posix says you know the image we had a little kids that when a person's angry steam comes out of we say their ears but it's their nose the anger angry persons huffing and puffing and steam is coming out of their nose but the Torah employs language as if he does so it describes hashem's anger is in his nose and patience is an elongated nose so listen to what he says to say for like um the bigger I I don't know if a study has been done I'm not an anti-semite don't write me a letter this is the luck at yoshir the person with a longer nose is slower to anger because the steam takes longer that's a tradition yes if you have a very short nose then it's very quick to anger but there's a correlate between a personality and Anatomy an anger is found in and connected with the nose and it's based on this parasha but what is that connection what does that mean and we're going to say it starting this Shabbos if you're smarter you've been saying it already among among the 13 attributes of divine compassion is slow to anger we don't say slow to anger we say he has a big nose Hashem [Music] Hashem takes long for his nose to get filled with anger why are we invoking the nose and Kabbalah teaches the following because how did we become animated living vibrant beings from the dust of the earth and how do we become alive where did Hashem breathe life into us through our nose the very Godly soul that allows us to be disciplined to have choice and free will to regulate Our Lives to live with self-awareness to make constructive productive choices that Soul came where and how is breathed us to us in through the nose that's what restores them that's why by the way mozai Shabbos Abdullah what are we doing we smell the basam why what did we have over Shabbos that we lost a little of we are nashami Sayer an expanded double soul and we lost some of that soul that comes from the Serenity and the peace and so how do we how are we comforted because we've taken the fragrance of the basam and where through the nose the nashama should stay the nashama is the answer the antidote of how we can stay calmer how we can stay cool and how we can stay collected where do you see this idea that there is a moment to pause between the urge and the action that we don't have to fly off the handle or raise our voice or get angry that someone can get frustrate us or disappoint us we're about to say no that's not the most productive way to handle it that's not the way to get things done where do we know that from so the Torah tells us you cannot burn a fire in your Dwelling Place on Shabbos and the Torah is telling us you can't Kindle a fire light a flyer this is the only one of the 39 melachas that's spelled out and so machlok is exactly why but it's spelled out you kind of Kindle a fire in any of your Dwelling Places on Shabbos and it means literally a fire you can't light a new fire in Shabbos you can benefit from an existing fire which is why we have a tradition in a Mitzvah to eat hot food on Shabbos to show that we're not carites carites wouldn't even benefit from an existing fire they sat in the cold in the dark and ate cold food on Shabbos will you believe in the orator oral tradition we know that it means you can't light a new fire but you could benefit from an existing fire from before Shabbos and that's why we can leave a light on and we could leave a fire on and we have a tradition to eat hot food on Shabbos and that is the origin of each other says don't read it only talking about a literal fire striking a match is the fire of Anger of rage you cannot allow a fire to enter into your home into your Dwelling Place on Shabbos when are people predisposed to get angry when does anger come in most often not to go to show about to like candles nobody's at the table you didn't shower you're not home from work I thought you left three hours ago you told me you're about to leave you didn't put that away you didn't clean up you didn't set the table you didn't cook the thing what do you mean you didn't fill out what it earned people get filled with anger it says the shla you can't go into Shabbos means guard your house from fire guard your heart and guard it from being filled with anger now we often think of anger as this instinctive emotion I can't control it there's nothing I can do about it I'm a redhead I'm uh Cohen I'm uh everyone's got their excuse for why they're allowed to get angry more easily but it's not an excuse the tsar and the salon others didn't see it that way how do you know because the prohibition of Los savaro is Torah calls it a thoughtful constructive creative act which means that anger is not a reaction anger is an action anger is not an Impulse anger is a choice anger is a creation anger is a malachas in that pause in that moment in between the urge and the action we chose to have the action of anger maybe it was subconscious maybe we have conditioned ourselves maybe it's a habit maybe we're genetically predisposed towards it but we have a choice we don't have to we can control ourselves we can make that choice in that moment to stay calm to control ourselves I listened to a podcast with an interview of a a coach a business coach who is super successful built and sold countless businesses had exits to a tune of tens if not hundreds of millions of dollars coaches others and on the business deep into this interview with him Tim Ferriss was interviewing him he mentions he was divorced Tim says he's so sorry the person himself shares would cause the divorce is how he reacted with anger and his wife was with him for many years said I can't do I can't live with it I can't be consumed by your fire anymore if you can't control it I'm out and with that warning and with his financial success and with his capacity to coach others he said he couldn't control it his marriage dissolved he lost it because he couldn't and with the stakes as high as they were he still didn't and claimed he couldn't but we can it is free will it's a church we need help we need support sometimes we need all kinds of forms of support and help but there is a pause between the urge and the action that we have the ability to make that choice of how we want to react and who we want to be and how we want to be thought of and the impression we want to leave on others on how we and how we behave there's a lot more to say about anger but if I go on you'll get angry with me any longer I offer an issue to you a challenge I issue to myself and the uh the pet Tech the little note where you give the fetal the names of the people you want Brock is the Davenport the other side are he challenges what Kabbalah before you ask God to give what are you giving him so I'll admit what I wrote in that blank space was to try to speak banachas to work harder to always speak banachas I'm only challenging you in the same way I'm challenging myself and that is to measure hour by hour and day by day to not set ourselves up for failure by saying I'll never get angry again I'll never raise my voice again I'll never react harshly again but that's a recipe for failure to say in the next hour I won't get angry for the next day I won't get angry this week I'm not getting angry not as I wish not as a want but I'm going to put in the work and it's going to be a resolution I'm going to enlist accountability partners and ask for the patients of the people who are closest to me to help me I'm going to concentrate on the space between the urge and the action I'm going to get to these Milestones the end of the day the end of a week the end of a month tracking and tracing maybe even in a spreadsheet in a journal did I raise my voice did I get angry was I harsh did I react and overreact will I allow myself to become filled with Rage that's the only way that we're going to change the only way that we're going to grow is if we work and that's the challenge to all of us that these qualities which are so interconnected and have no place in the recipe of life anger and arrogance anger and idolatry worshiping our ego and when we feed and nourish and worship the ego we Edge God out we knock them right out of the equation if we want in the words of the rambam live a life that's worth living then we have to finally be willing to work on anger to be able to be thought of as somebody who speaks not only to the people around us but to speak binoculars with ourselves and even when the things we need to hear and work on to never do it with anger to never allow ourselves to do it with anger no Mark Twain Mark Twain once said I'm not sure without a Mark Twain quote anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured anger is an acid that does more harm to the vessel in which it's stored than to anything on which it's poured you know the light never turned green faster because you were angry the plane never took off earlier because you were angry the people around you never behaved the way you wanted because you were angry never enriched the relationship anger never brings the results that we want in fact it does the opposite like the plague the Midstream brought upon their home we bring upon our home should bless us allows us to have self-awareness to regulate ourselves to believe in ourselves to make resolutions not wishes and to be able to grow one minute one hour one day one week one month at a time until we look back on a year and say what a year which we learned without cast it was have a great night thank you for coming