Rabbi Jonathan Rietti - Anatomy of Hatred

good evening Thank You rabbi Kraft for your kind introduction a special thank you please tell them I'll call back later I'm not available right now special thank you to Rav Akiva Rotenberg as well for inviting me to share with you this evening and to gateways for co-sponsoring this evening the topic you've asked me to speak about is the anatomy of hatred so I'm actually going to ask you to help me along over here I know there's a large audience but help me if we had to define the mechanics of hatred put hatred and oh sorry if we were to put hatred under the microscope and identify what is the molecular structure what are the parts the mechanics that equals hatred is this just an emotion a feeling or is there a formula that I really have to play out there are parts that when you add this ingredient and this ingredient will equal this result that we call hatred and thereby hopefully get a grip on what is it that triggers the hatred in my heart and how can I take control of it if I really want to how can I learn to not live with hatred in my heart so I'm gonna ask your help one might be the McCory the genesis the starting point where does hatred really begin what is the cause of hatred any suggestions and good low self-esteem jealousy excellent anything else fear so there are a number of ingredients that we're mentioning okay let's try to figure this out together why is jealousy something that will feed into hatred why let's figure this out what is jealousy am I happy with what I have if I'm jealous of what you have in terms of your intelligence or your good looks or the shape of your body or your beautiful husband's wife children if I'm jealous of you then what's missing for me for those still awake what am I missing I'm missing out on happiness I don't have what you have so there's something in the in that statement that says I should have what you have does that make sense but is that ACTU it is that is that logical should I have what you have is it possible if I had your spouse oh I thought it was difficult till now oh no I have a friend who lost three wives and he went on the anniversary of the passing of his third wife to the the graveyard where a clothes president came along and he said you know here's fair with my first wife so I'm really sorry what did she die of she died of poisonous mushrooms oh I'm sorry to hear that whoa and buried next her is my second wife whoa whoa what did she die of she also died of poisonous mushrooms oh I guess the third wife also died of poison No she died of strangulation strangulation how did that happen she refused to take the poisonous mushrooms [Music] just joking just joking is it possible that when I think I would be so much happier if I had that person's spouse if I had children like your children I'd be so much happier but is it possible that it's a totally different combination that married to that person would bring out a completely different path part of me personality and me and that maybe it's not really a right fit so is it possible that jealousy which feeds into hatred I'm upset that I don't have what you have and then I become jealous and maybe even hate you for your intelligence your superior looks is it possible that that jealousy is founded on the wrong predicate the wrong assumption that if I were to have what you have I would be happier than I am now is it possible that that's a terrible mistake and that the jealousy I allowed to continue is feeding into the hatred resentment bitterness one of you mentioned anger let's look at that for a moment when I'm angry why does that need hatred let's figure this out what's wrong with being angry I'm upset with you right now and I'm showing I'm getting upset and found really getting really upset with you you have no idea now and I start accusing you or I compare you just wait your mother sorry not even personally I'm starting with to wake you up sorry so so they start comparing you to other people when I show anger towards another person and that feeds into my hatred what is the problem with the anger why is that why is that a mistake on my part see what is anger what if anger saying it's very similar to jealousy anger says life is going the way I wanted to know it's my health wealth going the way I wanted to know my mother is law so just swallowing my mother-in-law is she behaving the way I want to do know my father my brother my sister every time I am angry about someone or something what am I really saying that this is not going the way I want it to so that builds up resentment bitterness maybe anger will turn into hatred so hatred has some interesting ingredients jealousy is one of them anger is another when I'm hateful what will it do about the way I speak about you if I hate you and someone mentions your name will I say kind words or am i much more likely to speak derogatory words badmouth Lashon Hara so if we start to look at this hatred contains many areas which are feeding into the hatred low self-esteem why should low self-esteem feed into hatred what's the logic any suggestions someone mentions low self-esteem why does low self-esteem is that why is it one of the ingredients that feeds perpetuates keeps a hatred growing if a person is very happy with themselves and someone else is different to them hurts their feelings but they've got a strong self-esteem are they going to carry it with them or if it really bothers bothers them they'll communicate with that person why did you say that about me I'm curious to understand why did you have my feelings when you claimed that I said or did such and such so low self-esteem is much more likely to feed into feelings of resentment bitterness hatred where does hatred start is it an emotion where does it begin is it a physical action is it possible even violence is the result of hatred how about wars domestic violence god forbid in a home is that possible that it starts with hatred but what's the starting point of hatred where does that begin there are three parts to a human being the way we speak the way we act the way we think which one of those would you say feeds the most into hatred the way we think drinking is the key controlled thinking is what we're really talking about tonight you know the Maimonides he has an entire section called the laws of thinking it's not usually translating that way he'll heart they upped the laws of thinking how I should fashion shape my mind my attitude what thoughts I should have what thoughts I should not have and one of the Mitzvahed one of the instructions listed in the laws of thinking is how to control hatred how to control love love starts in my mind hatred really begins over here the feelings of hatred I have towards you are the result of what I say in my mind about you if I hate my spouse I hate my mother I hate my children god forbid I hate my spouse I hate life I have to think thoughts that feed into what we call hatred what type of thoughts do I have to think negative thoughts we're getting a little bit closer now hatred is any negative thought that is not controlled has the seed of hatred in it any negative thinking has the seed of hatred in it could I hate myself have you ever met someone who hates themselves and they put themselves down even when they do something right they still put themselves down low self esteem self hate comes from where is it body language alone or is it what I say about myself in my mind I'm stupid I can't I'm not successful I'm not in control of my mouth I'm not in control of my body I'm not in control of chocolate why are you laughing no I just I just recovered from chocolate rehab I was there too last night I was three months in chocolate we have and did I tell you this last time no chocolate we have is a very interesting place I was there for three months and there was a gentleman the corner there meditating the whole time I was there and when they released me last night I had to find out before I left what was he saying he was he was meditating the whole time so I put my ear up right against his mouth and this is what he was saying God if there's no chocolate in heaven I'm not going sorry meet a lot of interesting people in chocolate we had just as they released me I had to fill in a form that demonstrates that I was you know completely recovered so the first question they asked me was my definition for ecstasy so I said that's easy my definition of ecstasy is I just finished a whole box of chocolates and I peel off the bottom layer and it reveals another layer it's a get back inside anyway let's say I don't control myself when it comes to chocolate and I finally make a commitment that's it I'm not having more than one chocolate box a day let's just imagine I control myself how we feel about ourselves when we're in control how do we feel we feel really good how do we feel if I had an opportunity to hurt someone with words and I controlled myself not out of fear but out of self control how do we feel about ourselves do we feel like oh what an opportunity I could have badmouth this person so much oh oh that's terrible oh do I feel really good I I took control of myself how do we feel when we say no to an extra cookie an extra piece of cake how do we feel about ourselves when we push ourselves I'm going to exercise I'm going to learn a little bit more and feed my mind we feel in control of our lives hatred anger jealousy is all about being out of control over here in my mind where I let my thoughts control me instead of me control my thoughts how can I do that let's try and understand this a little deeper what's the downside of my hatred towards you let's figure this out is a jealous person a happy person when I have hatred and resentment in my heart am I happy of course not if I'm bitter and I'm holding grudges against you for a long time weeks months years decades am i happy person if I'm unhappy in this marriage what thoughts do I have to have about my spouse I have to think what it is I don't like about you and the longer the list the more I will resent feel bitter hate a happy marriage is the exact opposite the more I think thoughts about what I like about you what I appreciate about you what qualities are in your personality the more I think positive the good things in your life the more I will feel love towards you so hatred is a choice it's not what you do to me that makes me hate me it's what I do inside of my mind in response to what you say do and think let me ask you a question how many of us know our child so well that we can be a hundred percent accurate that every time we say a judgement about that child it's completely correct do we have all the information we need to know to be absolutely certain that my impression of my spouse my child whoever it is I'm starting to feel ill feelings towards do I have all the information I need to know to be absolutely certain that my thoughts about you are totally accurate or is it possible that I never know the full story could we raise our own child in our home and not realize till they're 13 14 15 16 years old almost 2 decades what this child went through in first grade second grade third grade how they didn't get along with a certain teacher or how they were failing a subject and they were struggling but they wanted to do well but found it very hard is it possible I won't realize and learn who my child really is till 15 or 20 years later truffles absolutely true and this child is living in my home what is hatred the negative thoughts I have about anybody including myself especially myself and my spouse my children and what God wants me to do is take control of my thoughts and ask the following question do I really know you so well that when I think negative thoughts that feed my negative feelings of resentment bitterness hatred can I be certain that my impression of you is totally accurate or is it possible that if I were to be compassionate less judgemental and ask you what are you struggling with that you're failing in the subject so moisture comes home one day dad much what's the matter look son how many times I've told you you've got to be positive in life all right son what did you get twenty four out of a hundred yeah yet you and work so hard for you look 2400 that's eight levels below pathetic look son if you get a pass luck like a 51 I'll be really happy and proud about you son you know what here's the problem am I asking an intelligent question by saying son just get 51 you know what you'll make me so proud is that really true or is the problem that I don't ask son you got 24 out of 100 let me ask you a simple question son was that your best did you try hard oh you did then you know what I count that as an A but let's figure out if you're failing do you want to do better cool so son how can we help you what is it the or struggling with true story kid wet was missing from school for three weeks had scarlet fever when it comes back to school the teacher went ahead in the curriculum with the rest of the class and the kid was way behind and couldn't follow because all the units of math were dependent on what he'd learned last three weeks and the kid was stimulated or bored became a discipline problem eventually got kicked out of the class here's the problem the child's behavior on the outside is not the reason for me to think negative about the kid unless I have asked a very simple question what's behind the behavior why you upset because if I just read the outside and not learning what's going on inside the child's mind and if I easily judge my child my spouse whoever it is and I'm not compassionate I'm not asking what are you struggling with what's difficult in your marriage was difficult with your teacher once difficult with this subject do you need a a private tutor do you need help at home do you need to switch to a parallel class do you need to go into resource room there's so many ways I could deal with this but instead what do I count not the 24 that he did get I count all the points that he didn't true story lady comes up to me 54 years old and she told me that when she was 16 she came home very proud she remembers exactly where she was sitting when she where her father was sitting he was sitting on the bench in front of the piano when she showed him her chemistry test she got 99 out of 100 and guess what dad said to his daughter what happened to the one what happened to that one that would have bridged 99 to 100 this girl was so devastated because she realized you know what she really has to get a hundred to please father and she carried on trying how hard do you think it is to consistently get a hundred out of a hundred that's extremely hard she dropped out of high school she comes to me this a few weeks ago in North New Jersey she comes to me let me tell you she says I'm 54 years old and my father on his dying bed I know that I disappointed him like because I never went to university so I I had to have a healing conversation with him and tell him how I just could not live up to his expectation and I reminded him of this story and he remembered the story vividly and he looks at me and said I cannot believe you thought I was serious I was only joking now let me ask you this poor kid suffered nothing years decades but it wasn't all those years she suffered alone the ill feeling inside of her that she disappointed her father never went to college never graduated and therefore felt she was not very intelligent and all that was Beckenham for nothing what wasted effort of resentment bitterness and anger that she carried with her all those years and then dad clarified in one sentence but I never meant it how could you take me seriously that I only care about the one but the poor darling daughter was his princess she loved him so much she did not want to hurt what disappoint him she took him seriously is it possible that hatred is very simply in accurate hatred is inaccurate it means I've got the wrong picture about you hatred means I don't understand you hatred is from fear jealousy I just don't realize that if I were to know what you go through I would not be judging you so quickly I'm never to get a story told by me romantic M where she had a lady come to her and tell her I was online in the checkout counter in a grocery store in Israel and it happened to be the lady at the counter the cashier she was very Curt short and didn't treat me very well so I got upset with the cashier and instead of her apologizing the cashier got even more abrupt so she decided to go to the back of the store and complain to the manager about his cashier and she did she tells the cashier your your she tells the manager your cashier is not it's not a cousin I would give customer service very abrupt and you know what the man had just said to her I think you should know that this lady just yesterday returned to work from sitting Shiva for seven days her 17 year old son died in a helicopter collision in Israeli army let me ask you do you think this changed her feelings towards this woman do you think she stayed with her judgment or the judgment of I'm your customer I'm bringing you your Panesar I'm giving you your live livelihood this is how you talk to a customer is that how she continued or do you think the judgment she had for her was completely switched to compassion love her heart without this woman and she hugged her is it possible that hatred is always the wrong picture comes along our sages and tell us why was the first temple destroyed what was the what was the reason why was the first temple destroyed Guinot Ariat adultery number to advertise around idol worship number three she who damn him taking other people's lives murder all these are thoughts words or actions they're all actions and how many years did it take for the temple to be rebuilt seventy years so the Jewish people corrected the mistake that caused the destruction and it took 70 years why was the second temple destroyed see not Hinnom which translates very simply as sinner hatred Phenom for nothing hatred for nothing hatred does not exist it's a lie it's an inaccuracy when I hate another Jew when I hate another person because of my thoughts these are the thoughts I'm entertaining do I really know everything about you how many times I would go into a therapy session and learn oh that's what you suffered when your parents raised you and now I understand my spouse let me ask you honestly how many families are truly functional some of us asked me what's your definition for a dysfunctional family that's easy the definition of a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one member is it possible that if I were to know what my child is struggling with the difficulties my spouse has in conquering jealousy if only I knew how when she was raised in her home that her parents favored her against her older sister and her older sister was a really terrible witch in her behavior towards my wife have I only known how much my spouse tried so hard to endear her parents to her and yet the parents still favored the other daughter who was a witch to her younger sister is it possible that if I were to understand where this person is coming from the instead of reacting having negative thoughts and then feelings towards them instead of judging I would be compassionate loving Sinnott finem destroyed the second temple how long did it take till it was rebuilt still not rebuilt what does that mean the problem that caused the destruction still exists and where does the problem start in what I say in my mind about me about you about my child about my spouse about the community about my neighbors about my mother my father my brother my sister my friends my co-workers my boss did we cover everybody you miss anyone else what I say about you in my mind is everything and if I'm not aware about what I say about you that's where I need to start taking care of anger resentment bitterness jealousy let me share with you how the world we're living in today feeds anger resentment jealousy and hatred let me share with you where it feeds into it in the world of the media television what is T V stand for do you know asking Ashkenazi know what T V stands for tine they stood in the world of the media commercials advertising what are they selling are we selling reality are they selling intrinsic virtues intrinsic values of what a human being truly is or are they selling jealousy think about it think about it what is the message in every single commercial you can't possibly be satisfied happy until you have this product and then when you eat drink drive vacate when you wear this label when you're this shape when you do this exercise program when you're on this diet then you will be happy and therefore if I see someone who's got that how should I feel towards them oh you've got them I haven't look at your shape oh look at the label look what you can afford look at your zip code the media literally plays into my mind that is constantly bombarding me again and again in the game think not positive but think what you don't have think what others have in comparison to you and they are training me to think negatively about what I do have this is not good enough I'll give you an example a few months ago this cellphone here starts vibrating and I get a text message and it says the following for only $5 a month will call you every hour on the hour so what people around do you think you've got friends how do they get my number no don't go there don't go there what's the Assumption in this commercial what's the Assumption I don't have friends what's the solution to my problem be such an nincompoop that I go out and pay $5.00 a month for a computer excuse me there's a friend Oh quick amount friend you know what's going in through my brain when I pick up the phone on the hour and a computer talks to me and there's no one there and you think I've got friends what's going on in my brain what am I saying to myself am I saying this is wonderful at last I've got friends am I fooling myself am I at least where I was before I fell into this trap or my much worse off how am i worse off how besides the $5.00 a month how am i worse off cuz every time I pick up this phone and there's no one there what am I actually saying to myself I have no friends so what is the message I am repeating and reinforcing every time I pick up the phone I'm rapport repeating and reinforcing the very problem that I'm paying five dollars a month to fix you here the problem the world of the media wants me to believe that if I had your shape your money your looks if I were to afford a car like you then I would be happy and therefore how should I feel about what I've got now positive or negative I should feel negatively think negatively about Who I am and what I've got it's worse than that let me share with you in the educational system I want to share how deep-rooted hatred resentment bitterness is built up in a child over hours days weeks months years into one and a half to two decades where the message is repeated again and again in the game and what's the message not to be happy with me listen carefully in every single classroom you ever attended in elementary secondary school high school was there at least one straight-a student true/false what's going through the minds of every other kid in their in their minds what are they saying who will be a candidate for success in life who out of all the kids in the class the straight-a student here's the problem is it possible that many of the other students are really struggling to do well truffles would you say at least 20 paper perhaps 30 or 40% of the class is really trying to do well triples and yet if I'm not a straight-a student what's going on in my mind and what is the policy not this is written anywhere but what's the mindset of the teachers and the school not on it this is not overt it's not spelt out but who is the real candidate for success in life the straight-a student here's the problem in real life and I'll define real life marriage in real life I have a friend who told me his his wife is mama and angel really an angel and my friend said back to him you're so lucky mine's still alive just joking just joking just joking I'll get the husband's inventory so in real life once what's real life marriage in real life raising children in real life workplace getting along with other people in the workplace earning a living in real life what counts the most how brilliant the mind is which universities this kid went to what he what Gracie got what his report card said or how he got along with other people how he respects other people how he controls anger jealousy resentment bitterness hatred and turns it into sensitivity respect appreciation gratitude understanding empathy sensitivity love woo long list ladies gentleman I ask you in this room there about gråvik loft how many people approx but a MIDI 400 it's about 400 people and the average age is about 25 does that right ladies about 25 about 25 okay so what's 400 times 25 someone do the math for me quickly we can take a boat of you prefer what's 400 times 25 420 times 25 is is 10,000 in this room in this particular set represented here is 10,000 years of a cumulative life experience do you know that in this room there is 2 times the amount of human history in this room alone you have 10,000 years of a cumulative life experience ladies and gentlemen I ask you the following question in marriage and raising children in the workplace what will count the most how similar you are to your spouse to your kids to the co-worker to your boss and less different is that what's going to count the most or how well you get along with the differences how you respond to the differences ladies gentlemen how many people vote that life and happiness and life Shalom peace and life removing hatred in life resentment bitterness in life is all about being the same as each other less difference and more the same how many people would vote for that zero you have 10,000 years of a cubit of life experience and who votes it's number two life is about how well we get along whoo the difference is how we respond to the differences well I get angry with you when you talk to me about you're just like your mother will I get angry with you when you blame me you know what this kid is fault will I get angry with you when you tell me the reason we are finances are when you put me down how do I respond do I pull out my list of your crimes against me I might have a longer a better memory than you do and now we're really in trouble how will I respond to differences with sarcasm sharp words put downs will I make comparisons will I insult will I hurt you hatred is what I say in my mind about you will I be compassionate loving will I be respectful will I be patient hatred is a choice it's not what people say or do that makes me hate you it's what I tell myself about you that will determine decide whether a love or not love you talking about perfect spouses I actually met the perfect husband last week now play soccer and Wednesday nights and in the locker room the cellphone goes off so one of the guys picks it up hello insane four thousand dollars when you say get it we hung up I was on the way to the mall and I passed the Mercedes dealership oh my gosh the news CLR 5000 it's on sale for sixty five thousand dollars what do you say is it fully loaded yes okay get it you remember that house we fell in love with and they pulled it off the market make them an offer for 1.2 oh darling thanks bye bye now how do you think we feel when we see a husband who is so generous do you know what he says to us whose cell phone is this there's no perfect husband there's no perfect perfect exist the only thing that exists is what I say about my life my wife my finances where is God in this equation is life all about getting a better deal than someone else I hope I have a better family than you a happier family a more healthy family his life really about me getting ahead or his life about pluses and minuses and when there are pluses health is good wealth is good spouse is good house is good children are good I'm grateful and when it's not so good I'm going to be grateful anyway I'm going to be loving respectful trusting giving generous understanding we know we know the answer life is about how we hands all the differences and hatred is always kinam for nothing hatred has no place the only there's a couple of exceptions in the Torah where someone has gone so far that I have a mitzvah to hate that person but there's very unusual circumstances a missionary for example a person has a mitzvah to wipe out the nation of a Malik but out besides these exceptions where they have a track record of providing extreme negativity to pull people away from Turin people away from reality outside of that God wants me to know that hatred is a choice of what I say about myself and others that's negative and he wants me to know that it's always inaccurate in the same section of the Torah chapter 19 of Leviticus by Achra the Torah tells me one person away from each other laticia and rahega Vilma Vetta don't hate your brother in your heart o in your heart in your thoughts in your emotions one verse later I'm told they are after the Rika come Walker love others like you love yourself who what happens if I don't love myself how much do I love you if I hate myself how much tough love you know when I was if I'm suicidal how much do I love you now I once knew a guy comes out the 26 story of a skyscraper and outside the elevator there's a rope tied to the door next to the elevator and it goes all the way to the end of the corridor and there's a man at the end of the corridor tying the rope around his waist and starts to hang himself out the window so my friend goes up to him says excuse me what are you doing said man I'm trying to commit suicide you know look I don't want to interfere with your free will but let me give you an education you're supposed to put the rope around your neck I tried that now suicide is a very serious crime and yet if I take the Torah literally love your neighbor as you love yourself if I am God forbid suicidal I'm allowed to kill you in the name of the Torah I'll arrive in Beit din the next morning in the court of law and say why did you kill your neighbor it says well I love him like I love myself and I'm suicidal so good work so what does it mean Oh what do I have to do in order to love you love me and to love me what do I have to do in my mind I have to notice the good in me I have to practice saying I love me because and look for the virtues the qualities be compassionate with myself loving to myself to help me more able to love you now here's a question you hate someone who really hurt your feelings are you open up Leviticus chapter 19 verse 17 and 18 and it says that don't hate other people okay I have to stop hating you and that's not easy read the next verse love them like you love yourself please God do me a favor could you put don't hate somewhere in Genesis and put love that person that you hate someone Deuteronomy and devour him and give me some time to heal how can you put one verse right next to the other you hear the problem God tells me don't hate and next the next verse tells me to love the person but give me some time to stop eating this person how does God expect me to just switch from hatred to love look at the words in between the two verses if I see someone or thinks someone said or did something wrong to me what am I supposed to do what what Mitzvah do I have the mitzvah of taka taka the Christian butchered this word they claim the translation of the word taka is reprove rebuke reprimand it doesn't mean any of those words so Hakam means clarify run bomb my mother says if someone hurts me what should I say to that person my friend in a gentle voice voice soft voice my friend why did you hurt me ask him now why am I asking him what's the assumption if I'm asking my friend why he hurt me why don't I just say you are such I can't stand your gun my feelings now of course I'm just joking of course I'm doing this seriously and I don't practice like this at all with anybody how is it that I assume my thoughts about you are correct comes along Quran tells me I have to ask you why did you hurt me why am I putting in a question why can't I just accuse you why what opportunity am I giving you if I ask the child why were you so rude why were you so upset why did you have a tantrum I give him a chance to explain themselves what vote of confidence what level of trust am i demonstrating when I say to my child to my spouse you must be hurting help me to understand what did I say or dude that is hurting you so badly when we ask a question how is it that you're saying this about me accusing me preparing me is it possible that number one they're getting a chance to explain themselves number two possibly apologize number three justify there's so many other possibilities they might come up with but if I accuse you if I just say outright you know what you are so pathetic that is ridiculous I worked so hard and this is of what you do in school instead of asking are you struggling are you having a hard time with the teacher true story a kid on the first day of school I have a friend who told me this first day of school his teacher laughed at a joke that a friend said in teasing him and because the teacher laughed at that joke this boy shut down the whole year wouldn't learn from that teacher another true story I have a neighbor who told me he was a child born in Germany right after the war came to America and in first grade the first week in school he was told to translate the words so his reading words in Hebrew by Amish mm are surely more and God said to Moses saying and he translates it into English that's the the language his parents spoke at home but because he came from came from Germany he mixed in two German words and it sounded so funny that the teacher burst out laughing and that boy said to me he shut down his today in his fifties said he never learnt again never learnt only recently he went to a rabbi Schlesinger ship in in 1c and he's turned back on to learning you see is it possible that if I were to try to understand my kid instead of what's the matter with you you've got a brain why don't you apply yourself is that a fair question or should I really be asking you know what you have such a good mind if you're not learning well there must be a reason what is it that it's hurting you or that you don't like about the learning or is that the class is it your friends TOCOM means clarify ask why did you say this not as an accusation look how God deals with Adam the first man with Adam ate from the tree did God scream Adam you from it did he scream at him no what did God say to Adam Adam did you eat from the tree that I asked you not to eat from now why didn't God just zap him why just why did God ask him a question which God knew the answer to what was the answer God was hoping Adam would give I'm really sorry really sorry a company might do that video so sorry but what was his answer wake you up again I'm sorry I'm sorry you remind me a few months ago I was in Southland Jersey and I was in the old people's home and the average age in the audience was 107 actually there was one lady there she was 104 years old and and we asked her what's special about your age so she said no peer pressure so they wired me up to this very sensitive microphone because some of the people were hard of hearing and my voice is going around the whole auditorium and there was a gentleman in the front row who was slurring away was fast asleep and there was so sensitive that it was picking up too slow going around the whole world thorium so I said to the guy next to him imagine waking his rabbi you got him to sleep you look him up anyway so Adam instead of admitting his mistake blames are you sure that woman who's he blaming are sure not totally muddy that you gifted to stand by me who's Adam blaming he's blaming God so how does God deal with Adam what did you say to him I'll deal with you later and he turns to Eve now God doesn't scream Eve the woman I told you from a dream you know what it says - huh Eden why did you eat new train but he knew the reason but what was he hoping she would say I'm sorry now what was her answer persuaded me have you ever wondered why God did not ask the snake the snake had no legs to stand on okay didn't have electric sound so God is inviting Adam to admit his mistake he's inviting Eve to admit a mistake what's the purpose of God creating different parents different spouses biblical siblings different community different neighbors different coworkers bus everyone I encounter is difficult and different why because God is testing my thoughts what will I say back God wants me to love you but how will I love you if I'm hurt by you he wants me to ask you so that you have a chance to either apologize or explain because is it possible I don't have all the information and if I don't have all the information to be absolutely certain that my hateful resentful bitter thoughts and feelings that I have towards you are accurate if I don't have all the information what should I do ask find out comes along the turret and tells me another Mitzvah in the same chapter but Zedeck tshh put a meet occur if I see you do something wrong and there's any possibility any possibility that what I see with my eyes and I'm certain that what you did was wrong if there's any possibility of giving it an interpretation an explanation that explains why you did the wrong thing which interpretation does the Torah obligate me to select to be certain that I'm right that you did that wrong thing and you are wrong for doing it or if there's any possible explanation I have to select that explanation that puts you in a good light favorable judgment which of the two does a try require of me number two pathetic Tish but a motika righteously judge your people this is not just judges this is me because I'm judging you all the time I'll never forget an amazing story rabbi shimon Schwab the leader of the congregation of the German Jews in Washington Heights he used to be the wrath of Baltimore many years ago and on one occasion he was on a bus from Baltimore to New York and it broke down on the highway about two o'clock in the morning and all the passengers had to descend and was a few hundred yards to a cafe where they all went inside to the rest area and he was shocked there he sieze one of his congregants from his Kayla he's the rapper condom he sees one of his members eating a ham sandwich without a yarmulke and he says to himself I can't believe it this man keeps Shabbat I know him for many years how can he not be keeping kosher so he says to himself I have a mitzvah if I see someone do something wrong I should correct them how am I supposed to correct them ask them why they're doing that but then he said himself but the same verse and it's all in those same verses chapter 19 verse 17 and 18 if I correct you by asking you why you're doing something wrong and I'd do it with anger while I do it in a way that embarrasses you am I allowed to correct you know who set himself wait a minute I have a mixed farm before I'm the rabbi of the show I have a mitzvah to correct him but he'll get so embarrassed he might choke on the sandwich so he said what should I do then he remembered the Mitzvah that if there's any explanation any explanation that put someone in a favorable light I have to choose that explanation over my judgment and so he decided I don't know what the reason is but I know this meant for many years so I'm going to assume he's actually doing the right thing for some odd reason and he left the cafeteria so that his condom and be embarrassed next Shabbat Rabbi Schwab is going to the hospital in Washington Heights where he would do weekly bi-weekly visits of bikkur holim those who are ill and he sees on the charts there this man is in one of the wards and he discovers that this man has a serious problem and what's that problem he has a hole in his liver and he's been instructed that if he ever has an urge to eat he must grab the first food that he sees even is not kosher he must eat immediately it's life and death here's an interesting example of someone that he knew for years and how is he going to explain to himself in his mind that this person is doing something that's okay is it possible that if I have more information that will broaden my perspective I will change my judgment to compassion another true story the habits I am the saintly great rabbi rabbi Sol Kagan was once in a tavern where he saw a clandestine June what was the clandestine Jew this was a Jew who at the age of twelve was kidnapped by the Russian army and kept in the Army for 25 years and this Russian Jew came from a religious family no longer religious that was part of the plan of the Czarist Russian army and the hobbits Heian saw that this Jew eating in this tavern where are the Jews were eating ate without a blessing so he got up to go over to this young soldier and to teach him the importance of saying a blessing and just as he's about to go he's Talmud his student says rabbi I think you should know that that man is a clandestine Jew he was in the Army for 25 years so the harvest time said I'm very happy you told me that she goes over and sits next to this Russian soldier Jewish soldier and instead of correcting him about why didn't you make a blessing on food do you know what he said how is it that after so many years in the Czarist army you still eat kosher listen to the switch a moment ago he was going to clarify the importance of saying a blessing and all of a sudden that's not important because if I know where you're coming from if I have a bigger picture and I changed my judgment to compassion understanding sensitivity empathy it's a totally different relationship how do you think the soldier felt having the saintly sage speak to him this way you're admiring me you understanding what I've been through and you're not judging me that is what sinner is sinner is the wrong judgment it's kinam it has no meaning because I don't have the full picture I will close there's much more to be said on this important subject but what we've summarized is hatred is a choice of what I say to myself in my mind about myself and other people and God wants me to change that choice ask yourselves who's happy in life who are the people the most happy in life the ones that carry their grudges anger resentment bitterness jealousies hurt feelings towards those who hurt them in their lives or the people who go to sleep at night and say that special tefillah that special prayer where I say her anymore hell behold rabona she Lola Martin universe I forgive everyone who hurt me whether it was money whether it was words whether was actions why this person doesn't deserve my forgiveness why am i forgiving them who truly benefits from my forgiving you am i letting you off the hook or am i able to sleep at night and smile the next day and continue functioning I'm not forgiving just let you off the hook that is a great benefit but the true benefit is who I become a more loving accepting less judgmental happier person I don't carry bitterness in my heart if I'm able to forgive hatred claims our sages sinner is one of the items not seeing it removes Adam a person from this world I can literally destroy my life with thoughts of anger resentment bitterness and hatred and God wants me to take control of the only person I'm capable of controlling there are three rings in life there is engagement ring the marriage ring and suffering the purpose Oh difficult people and different people is not for me to suffer you the purpose is for me to become a more loving me and it's not just about being nice to you even if I don't think you deserve it it's about me being able to sleep at night me being able to be happy me being able to function and guess what how many times in our lives do we wake up 20 years later and realize what our kids went through and say to ourselves oh I wish I had read the writing on the wall how many times do we wake up 30 years later and realize oh my gosh I was always judging my parents and now I see raising kids is not so easy and I think differently about how my parents were challenged by me God wants me to save myself all that suffering by recognizing that my hatred is not accurate it's not real life is about appreciation I will close and I truly mean it Sandra turned up to show last week and Sina a long time I said Sandra I haven't seen you for a while is everything okay Norah pie things are not okay so what happened my husband died your husband died I'm so sorry I have no idea well you dare what happened of course it was there I didn't know did he have any parting words of course he did What did he say his last words to me were Sandra put down the gun I could spend my life in bitterness and anger and resentment life is about appreciation controlling my thoughts and in that circle in that merit maybe we worthy of seeing the rebuilding of the Betemit - in our times thank you I'm in [Applause]