How Much Do Your Words Matter? Torah and Science Might Surprise You

Okay. Paras Mato opens up with the laws of Nidarim, of nether, of vows. And we learn how binding our words are. Our words actually create reality. Which to me is such a fascinating concept because we always knew this was true theologically theologically. But science actually explains this. It it's it's we now know that it's true scientifically as well that words actually create reality. Words or at least create a perceived reality. Words shape the way we think. Words shape so much. Words are incredibly incredibly influential. And the Torah um holds us to our word, which is the whole idea of a nether. The whole idea of a vow. There's a fundamental difference between a vow, a nether, and a shua, a promise. And that is a promise is basically a commitment. At least I'm talking about from a biblical uh standpoint. I don't know about English language but from a biblical perspective a shua a promise or a swear an oath is basically a hard commitment to do something or a hard commitment or or or assertion that something happened or will happen or did happen. Right? That's essentially what an oath or promise or swear is. A shua a nether a vow is actually quite different. It's it's very specific. A nether officially means you want to let let's say somebody's drinking too much diet Pepsi and the Coke company starts coming after him. No, I'm kidding. Right. He says, "Okay, it's time to it's time to hold back." So, he makes a nether a vow that he's going to refrain from Diet Pepsi. But the way it's structuredly is that one says, and I'm saying this just for demonstrative purposes, that this Pepsi is going to be prohibited to me as if it were a Corban, as if it were a sacrifice in the B mikdash. It's a way of prohibiting something on yourself. That's what a nether is. That's what a vow is. And the way you prohibit it, that item on yourself is by um by basically making it as if it were like a as if it were like a sacrificial offering of the B mikdash in the temple in which you are not allowed to benefit from which is interesting. And the reason why it's interesting is because if you want to separate from something for whatever reason, and we'll talk about that soon, the way you do it is not by saying this is wrong or this is bad or I'm staying away from this. You say this is holy. That's the way we separate from things. A vow is not just about prohibiting things upon yourself. It's making things holy with our words. Our words make this item holy as if orb. And this is a a big um a big nuance a big kush and the reason is because when it comes to an actual corban if I want to take an animal and consecrate it as an actual corban not within the paradigm of a of a netor for the purposes we're talking about there's parameters if I want to bring an actual corban it has to be the right type of animal consecrated by the right type of person in the right type of place which is the bas mikdash at the right type of time the time era and where the bas mikdash is there's all these parameters and limitations but when it comes to a nether when it comes to making something holy as if it were a sacrifice and therefore it's upon yourself you can do that anywhere there are no limitations there's nobody holding you back there's no time space there's a certain level of holiness that we're somehow pulling into this item through our speech and that holiness is so real, so raw, so true that it's actually timeless and limitless. So much so, by the way, that the the the laws of ne this might be the only exception in the whole in in in any mitzvah. And if if anybody knows otherwise, correct me in the comments. This is the only mitzvah I believe that is also relevant to those who are under bar about mitzvah. There is no bindingness in in regard to mitzvah. Mitzvah are not binding to those who are under bar about mitzvah. It's just practice. But a bar or bar mitzvah somebody who's under bar mitzvah starting from a certain age usually a year before can actually initiate a nether can actually initiate a vow can actually through speech make something holy as if it were a carbon as if it were a sacrificial animal can actually bring that holiness in because the holiness that one taps into through speech is so deep, is so raw, so true that it's literally timeless, literally limitless, especially when you contrast it to the holiness that's drawn down through any any other mitzvah. And in this mitzvah, which is quite unique, the mitzvah of vows, we have a very powerful powerful life lesson. There's times in life where we need to separate from things that that's really why one would make a nether. And by the way, usually, unless you really need to just from a practical standpoint, we'll we'll talk philosophically for a second, but from a practical standpoint, we usually refrain from making a nether um casually because breaking could be a big deal. Um, but there are times where one may be inclined to make a nether to make a vow because they feel too attached to things. Okay, so just detach yourself. Right? Oh, I'm on my phone too much. Okay, so drop the phone. I'm drinking too much Pepsi. Well, drop the Pepsi. Right. Okay. For some people that works. For some people, they need more discipline. They need they need more of a a reason not to. And a nether makes it prohibited. A nether may be a mechanism for some people to detach themsel from certain things. Um consequently, just parenthetically speaking, the idea of a nazir who refrains from cutting his hair, who reframes from wine, who reframes from becoming impure, nether has theic structure. A nazir has aic structure of a nether. When one vows to become a nazir, they've essentially took on a nether for certain things. It's kind of a built-in template, pre-ordered nether for certain things. But that's the whole idea of a nether. It's a mechanism by which we separate from things. And sometimes when we need to separate in life from things whether officially and formally with the mechanism of an or even just conceptually we need to create boundaries in our life. There's two ways to do it. There's this is wrong, this is bad, this is not good for me and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing untrue about that. But another way to do it is there's something in here that is so holy, so sacred, so meaningful. I'm going to step back and pull away from it so I can appreciate what it truly is because that's what a nether is. A nether is a vow by which we compare or create a reality where this is like a kurb and this is sacred. And effectively by means of our speech, we're showing how it's so holy. I need to appreciate what it truly is by refraining from it. Sometimes we refrain from things because we're afraid of what it is and sometimes we refrain because we appreciate what it really is. And in one of his talks in 1988, the Labavere shared a powerful lesson in how we approach discipline. Discipline can be attacking problems. Discipline could be finding light and meaning. And when we do, it kind of drives out the problem. The problem becomes less relevant. A little bit of light dispels a lot of darkness. So you could attack dark. You could recognize why the darkness is no good or you can recognize why the light is good. The darkness becomes less relevant. Um I I'll give you an example. And in order to pro protect confidentiality, I will give you very very few details to the story, but that that's all good. That's all you need. Um, I was working with a couple once who were going through a very difficult time in their marriage and there were certain skills the husband wanted to learn. There were certain behaviors he wanted to refrain from that he felt were getting in the way of his relationship. And I had two ways I could approach this situation. And I think it's very emblematic, very much emblematic of what we're sharing over here. There's two ways it could approach this situation. Talk about those behaviors. Talk about why they're no good. Talk about how to be framed from them. Talk about how to have the self-control. But there's another way to do it. Well, if you don't want to do those behaviors, what would you rather be doing? Talk about the light. Because if he's doing what he'd rather be doing at the time that he'd be doing those behaviors that are no good, he won't. You can't do both at the same time. Can't be good and bad. I mean, to oversimplify, you can't be good and bad at the same time. Obviously, good and bad can exist within us simultaneously, but you can't facilitate good and bad simultaneously. So, if you focus on the good, the bad is less relevant. And I actually asked this person because he didn't he felt like he couldn't come up with the right answer. I said, "Let me help you. If your wife was watching you on camera as you walked in the door, tell me three things you'd be most proud of her seeing you do." And you didn't know she was watching you. She caught you being your best self. What would she see? The moment he identified those behaviors, which he did, he didn't need to focus on what to not do because those behaviors that were positive replaced the negative. Through the power of language, we have the ability to extract holiness in something even when boundaries are necessary and say this is like a corban by and and with that we kind of re we we automatically reframe for what we're trying to refrain from. We essentially take a step back and appreciate what this really is, not just why it's bad. What it truly is is it's like a corban. It's holy. There's something redeemable. There's something sacred in there. I'm therefore going to put boundaries in rather than this is bad. I'm going to put boundaries. And they're both true. Both approaches are too are are true. But one is a little bit more motivating. One is a little less painful. One is a little more meaningful. And the truth is the more positive approach. People are afraid of positivity. People are afraid of toxic positivity. But the more positive approach is actually it's more Like from God's perspective, it's more real. It's more honest. I'll tell you why. There will be a time and it's I think it's going to be soon. There will be a time when Messiah comes in the messianic era. And in this messianic era um in this messianic era hold one second. Um in in this messianic era there is going to be this time period where God is going to be revealed. We're going to relate to God experientially. Right now we relate to God primarily through faith. We believe when Msiah comes, we're going to get to know. And because God is going to be so accessible, God is going to be so real. God is going to be so meaningful. Negativity is going to have very little place in this world. Evil is going to have very little space in this world. So what's our job going to be? Our job isn't going to be when Msiah comes to fight resistance to do the right thing. Our job is going to be to constantly advance in doing the right thing. Advance in connection rather than focusing on the resistance that's holding back from the connection. That's what we're going to do when Msiah comes. And if we can do that now, we're essentially adopting the Msiah mindset and we're essentially saying, "God, we're ready before you are. Come on. What you waiting for?" When we start living with the Messiah mindset, we actually bring Msiah. When we start living in a messianic way, and I I know it sounds funny, but when we start living the way we would when Msiah comes, and we have full permission to do that, we have full ability to do that by not driving out negativity directly, but welcoming in positivity, welcoming in light, which will drive out the darkness automatically. Not just focusing on why things aren't bad, but focusing on what is good. There's no more space for things that are bad. That is the messianic reality. That is the much more peaceful and calm and and positive way of dealing with things. We we derive this lesson from the idea of nadarma of vows. How do we do this? The power of speech. The power of speech literally unlocks this. It it's fascinating because uh before I share with you how this applies theologically, just scientifically, modern science explains, and I don't have official research here in the class to show you, but you don't have to take my word for it either. You're welcome to do your own homework afterwards, but modern science shows that the power of speech can literally heal people. When people talk about hope that they have, when they talk about aspirations that they have, when they talk about the resilience that they have, they start thinking about it more deeply and more seriously and their body has like a reverse trauma effect. When you talk about trauma, your body kind of, you know, it could hurt >> when when you >> prove that prayer does work, >> right? Because that that's exactly what prayer is. Especially in the Jewish paradigm of prayer, we articulate the prayers. We annunciate the prayers verbally. And um I I'll tell you something fascinating. I was reading this from a mimeric essay from the Rashab and he explained something fascinating. Think about how special it would be to meditate because talks about a lot talks a lot about meditation to meditate on the greatness of God to meditate on how real God is to us how relevant God is to go through the pro the thought process before dvening. Let's say you're sitting with your talis and fillain and you're thinking about how relevant and meaningful God is. And when you think about how relevant and meaningful God is in context of how vast and great and true God is and we think about how his greatness, however much we can perceive his greatness, that's relative greatness. That's relative to our perception. But he's actually infinitely greater because our mind can only understand what it does. But he's way beyond that. And somehow God manages to be vast, to be infinite, and at the same time to be meaningful and to be caring. And when we go through that thought process, that's supposed to be very inspiring. And when we talk about that and learn about that extensively and we think about it, it's very inspiring. And the Rashab says in this mimer that articulating the words of dabbing and simply just understanding the simple translation of the words no deep cabalistic anything that itself is more transformative. You need both. There's and there's there's advantages to both. But in some ways that's more transformative. In other words, if you have uh a choice between incredible depth, but it remains in your thoughts or a little bit less depth, both but you know, you appreciate God, you appreciate somebody, whatever it is, but you do so verbally, the verbal connection is going to be much more powerful. It's going to unlock much greater passion. Which is interesting because we usually conceptualize thoughts as being deeper than speech and speech just reflecting thoughts. But speech doesn't just reflect thoughts. Which by the way, for some people, speech doesn't reflect nothing. No, I'm kidding. Um, but speech doesn't just reflect thoughts. It actually unlocks something much deeper. Which is why you could think about something and say, "Huh, that's interesting." You could talk about it and you get fired up and you're passionate. Why? The reason is because speech has incredible incredible ability to reveal incredible incredible depth. That's the idea of an ed of a vow. We by refraining from something through the right use of language can reveal how deep and special and meaningful and powerful it really is like a corbin has that sacredness. Um I I'll give you a parallel an idea that parallels this in the Tanya. If you read chapter 44 of Tanya, I believe it's 44, maybe 45, but I'm pretty sure it's Yeah, chapter 44 of Tanya, he talks about the the medit meditating and thinking about God so you can develop a relationship with God, a feeling for God. Because if you want to feel love for anybody, you have to kind of get them. That's when you love somebody, when you get them. And I and I this is not to be confused with attraction. You're attracted to somebody by seeing them. But you love somebody when you get them. So if you want to love God, you got to get God. Okay? So to truly love God might be impossible because how could I truly get him? But I could at least love what I what I get to some degree. But sometimes I feel like I get God and I thought about it and I've learned about him and I've meditated and I've understood and I've even appreciated how God is so relevant to me now and he does so much for me and my feeling is just like okay I don't know how to say this but I just don't feel like I care it's not working. So in the Tanya the alterb says try this try talking about it. You thought about it but try talking about it because there is sometimes a cognitive dissonance. There's a there there's a gap between what we know and what we feel. And sometimes thinking is just going to wear ourselves out. Try the use of language which is what doing is. And the use of language will actually bring the the the the heart and mind a little bit closer together and unlock incredible passion. The story goes that there was a kassid in the town of Katsk the turn of the 20th century and he was dinging and he looked very passionate and he got so passionate or at least demonstrated so much passion in his prayers. He exclaimed in Yiddish, "That tat, father, father," looking up to the heavens, referring to God. And there was a skeptic bystander. And he says, "Huh, does he actually feel that God is tat, God is his father?" I mean, that that's a very deep relationship with God. If you can genuinely feel au that God is my father like a fatherly figure who really takes care of me in that way then you don't just have faith you have something much more than that and the skeptic thought does he really feel that or is he demonstrating that is this a show to which the katk responded I don't know but if he carries on long enough he will feel because the power of speech can literally unlock incredible incredible passion. It's no coincidence that every year that we read this para, it's always during the 3-week period of morning from the 17th of Tamas to the 9th of Av. The three-week period of morning mourning where we mourn the destruction of the Ba Mikdash because the destruction of the the Ba Mikdash especially the second one was destroyed through speech through people talking negatively about each other through people revealing negativity through people revealing pain and and distance through speech. It was speech that had done that. I'm I'm referring to in the the famous story of Kamsa and Baramsa, but which is a whole story for another time. But the the point is that um that the Talmud says that it was baseless hatred that ultimately destroyed the B mdash that ultimately destroyed and it's the basis love and connection that returns it. And I I'll I'll share with you something fascinating which I think is really it's really consistent with what we're saying now in the sitter. It says we're supposed to say this every morning before dvening we say I hereby take upon myself the positive mitzvah of love your fellow like yourself but if you look in the sitter closely there are four small tiny words with no vowelation right before that and it says it's more like an instruction it's proper to recite this prior to prayer. The stipulation of I take upon myself the mitzvah to love my fellow isn't just something we should think. It's something we should annunciate and articulate and say because the power of speech, we learned this from another. The power of speech can unlock incredible deep connection, deep love, deep light, and drive away the darkness of this world and usher in a holier time where we welcome the third basikdash, God willing, very soon. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.