Teshuva; repairing relationships

if I did proper touba and I felt that alignment I felt that connection I felt that I refreshed myself fundamentally not just rechecked the items on the to-do list what is the first thing I should notice about myself okay friends The Story begins tonight's Topic in preparation for the high holiday season T shua repairing relationships this is an important topic because we're starting a new year and we kind of want to come in clean and tshua refreshing that relationship is an important theme on Yumer but in general the high holiday season from rashash Shana until the end of Yumer it's a 10day period and that's known as the 10 days of tsha the 10 days of repentance and what we're going to learn tonight is that it's a very unique type of repentance I don't like the word repentance I'm going to try to avoid the word repentance and stick to the Hebrew word tshua because tshua means return I don't know what does repent mean repent is like right being being sorry for the past and and that's not an inaccurate translation it's just not the full scope of the translation the Zohar tells us that there are two types of tshua there's lower level tshua higher level of tsha lower level tsha is I'm sorry for that thing I did higher level of tsha I want to repair the relationship it's a higher level focus and the tradition is that the 10 days of tsha from rashash until Yumer the focus is not actually on the lower level of tshua the focus is on the higher level of toua and my hope is that within the next 30 40 minutes we can earn is that the right word we can gain hope we can we can develop hope in the belief that any relationship can be repaired if we want to and we're going to hopefully learn how to do two things number one identify the true source of the relationship the true source of the connection everything we're going to discuss tonight should be applicable to our relationship with God it should be applicable to our relationship with people and if we can identify the source of the relationship ship this is going to be different than maybe other tshua courses you've heard because we're not going to identify the source of the problem um please don't confess to me no I'm kidding the source of the problems but the source of the solution if you will right the source of what the real connection is that's number one number two hopefully we'll learn how to empathize with people we'll learn how God empathizes With Us sounds good okay um tshua I I grew up with the understanding that tshua is a Mitzvah right there's 613 Mitzvah 613 Commandments diverse Commandments love God Revere God love your fellow um he the Chau far rashash fast on yipper and T is just one of those additional Mitzvah one of those 613 Mitzvah and then as I've Brad in my education I've come to the understanding that tsha it's not very clear whether tsha is a Mitzvah or not it's actually not clear let me put it this way if you want to learn what the 613 Mitzvah are what is the primary source what is the earliest Source you're going to refer to the Torah right but it's not very clear what's considered a Mitzvah and what is considered just a statement in the Torah it's not very clear what's so actually later sages debate everybody agrees there's 613 Mitzvah not everybody agrees on what those 613 Mitzvah are I give you an example uh the first of the Ten Commandments I am the Lord your God who took you out of Egypt which sounds more like a statement and some commentaries take the approach that it actually is not a commandment it is a statement some say that's the Commandment of Faith some say no it's just a fact cuz how could God tell you to believe right so there's a whole debate is Faith and Mitzvah how could God tell you to believe in him if he told you to believe in him then he doesn't need to tell you to believe in him and if you don't believe in him him telling you to believe in him isn't going to right so there's a whole debate about faith I'm giving that example but there's also a similar discussion as to whether tshua is considered one of the 613 Mitzvah or not now one of the primary sources we would if you wanted to go down this rapid hole the first step you would take is actually mymoni you've heard us quote mymoni many times because mymoni is a very convenient way to quote Jewish law because he had created a very organized digest or Encyclopedia of Jewish law and he has a whole section on the laws of tshua let's look at the language that myones uses on the back of your papers over here you'll see text one I quote myones his laws of tshua this is chapter one and here's what he says and I I'd like you I'm going to let you try to lead you to your own conclusion whether my mon maintains tsha a Mitzvah or not here's what my says this is how he opens up the chapter if a person transgresses any of the Mitzvah of the Torah whether a positive command or a negative command whether willingly or inadvertently when he repents and returns from his sin he must confess before God blessed be he as numbers 567 States if a man or woman commit any of the sins of a man they must confess that sin they've committed end quote this refers to a verbal confession the confession is a positive command according to my monties is tsha a Mitzvah or not if you say tsha is a Mitzvah raise your hand according to my monties okay if you say t is not a Mitzvah according to my monties raise your hand okay now you have to be ready to support your arguments I'm going to choose one volunteer from each Camp over here if you say toua is a Mitzvah please uh State your reasoning if you're prepared to I think it because he must confess okay so confession right he okay confession is part of the as part of the process okay good good um if you say t is not a Mitzvah please State your reasoning because I VI it as a responsibility a responsibility okay okay so here's an interesting thing there's an interesting commentary um on the my on the RAM on my monties this is text to his name is RAB ysep badad he he lived in the uh in the 1800s early 1800s he authored a book called very complicated book because what he does is he takes my monies and he takes ideas from the T and he cross references them and he starts analyzing them and saying look well what is the application here and it really just pulls apart everything and here's what he says I'm going to read text too because I I think this might be surprising the ram which is my Mones writes here at the beginning of chapter 1 any commandment if one transgresses when they repent and turn away from their sin they're obligated to confess and this confession is a positive commandment right that was a quote from my Mones that we had just read it is clear from his words that repentance itself is not a positive commandment as he doesn't state that there's a positive commandment to repent only that if one comes to repent they must confess verbally the says that according to my monties the Mitzvah isn't repentance or t the Mitzvah is when you DOA make sure to confess the Mitzvah is confession and he he he he splits that hair he divides it up so according to how the understands the ram understands myties there is no Mitzvah to do T it's not one of the 613 Commandments the Commandment is just confession which is a part of Thea you guys with me we're on the boat here we're on the ark okay it's a bit of an it's kind of a funny thing because to me toua sounds so fundamental to Judaism repentance we have a whole day yum Kipper and a whole season the high holidays the 10 days of tsha dedicated to this theme it's not a Mitzvah I mean what a Mitzvah means something God wants and therefore commands us to do so how could tshua not be a Mitzvah he doesn't want us to do it he doesn't want us to return I mean we recite on the high holidays in theila prayer that God is awaiting our return he's pulling he's he's extending his hand toward us he wants us to come back but not really because it's not really a Mitzvah Mitzvah is when you come back I want to hear you confess what is going on here may okay I I love it I love it you guys are on the right track here right in other words how can you impose right right I I mean think of a think of any relationship any human relationship whether it be a marriage whether it be children if you have to tell somebody hey I I need you to you don't want that you want somebody to apologize on their own Val you want somebody to be return on their own Val God says I'm not going to tell you what to do you know what they say that there was this philosophical hot dog cart what's a philosophical hot dog cart you ever heard of that so he sells hot dogs for $5 so somebody comes with a $10 bill gives him a hot dog he says where's my change he says change comes within um you can't force somebody to change if you force somebody to change it's going to be behavioral in order for T shoot in order for tshua to be real it's got to be real it's got to come deep within there are times where we're compelled to do tshua because of an event that happens in our life and if somebody does toua because of an event that happens in their life beautiful you deserve a real pad on the back you do but that is not the fullest level of tsha because it's the event that's pushing you to DOA not you that's pushing you to do tsha I worked in aiva about 10 years ago maybe a little bit more a rabinal not a reinal school a Jewish Educational Center in Florida Miami Florida I had to get out and come to California because of the humidity I'm kidding um this was a school designated for young college age boys who were exploring their Judaism and coming home to their Roots many of them for the first time some of them had gone to Hebrew school but never you know wanted to take it to the next level some of them didn't know they were Jewish and they found out everybody had their own story everybody had their own event that compelled them to come there and what I noticed was and please I I say this without judgment I'm just it's just an observation now I'm thinking should I not say it too late right just say it but I noticed that there were two types of students at that place there were students that had a crazy event that pushed them to come something potentially catastrophical or something actually catastrophical now it caused them to rethink their whole life and recalibrate and it's a beautiful thing and then there were certain people that they were in college they were getting an education or working or and and had healthy families and parents and friends and they weren't done drugs or anything like that and it was just like I need more in my life right and it's a whole different level of tsha they're both good right it's not bad but it's a whole different level when it really comes within and it's not just because an event it's not the event that's inspiring you TOA but the change is literally coming deep within when we connect in any relationship within and by the way you my modernities has interesting language for this I should have quoted it would have been interesting to to read it my monties calls this toua from love versus toua from Fear if I'm afraid of hell I better do T shua if I'm afraid of what's my year going to be like as I'm being inscribed I better do to shua not bad these aren't bad things if if that's compelling somebody if that's what it takes good but that is T sha from Fear right at at best it's fomo and fear of missing out what am I going to miss out by not doing toua but if I want truth because it's true I want to be good because good is actually good and I want God because that's true he says that's toua from Love and it's a whole different story there's a whole new level of stability to it love of yourself love God love love of love so he says when you pursue truth because it's true not just because otherwise I'll be missing out or what are the consequences he says that itself is an he defines that as love that itself is an act of Love um and and with that love comes stability right the returning out of fear please I'll do anything right it it and Desperation again it's not bad I but it does lack stability but when it comes within when it's a part of who I am there's an it's love it's stable it's deep but there's something it's there it's more than that you're actually connecting to God himself let me put it this way and this this actually takes us into why TBA is not technically a Mitzvah what is a Mitzvah a Mitzvah is our to-do list that God left on the fridge for us right it's a very long to-do list that he left on the fridge for us 613 things to do and each of those 613 things now we can't do all of them because not all them are relevant to every individual but theoretically each one of these 613 things have myriads of details right sounding the chaire oh how do you blow the chaire how many sounds do you need to hear when do you need to hear the or kosher or whatever it is everything has its details and if I messed up on the to-do list and especially if I did it negligently or intentionally I mean think about how that would you know that could be offensive right so it's not let me replace this item for a different item called toua tshua is not just another item on the to-do list it's let me repair my connection with the author of this to-do list you see the difference T is not just a Mitzvah because it's not just another item that God values and Mitzvah are incredibly deep vulnerable values of God but tshua is a connection with the God who wants these Mitzvah which means tshua takes us to this space where it's not I forgive you for that thing you neglected it's our relationship runs much deeper than that we're connected we are just so connected that it's not that I just forgive you for what you did it's what you did is never going to ruin our relationship you know where you see this historically by the way the first yum Kipper the first historical yum Kipper so let's let's go back in history God takes us out of Egypt 50 days later we received the Torah at Mount Si incredible Revelation change did not come within by the way right we were inspired as God came down at Mount Si and we said we do and we'll here we we were infatuated and you know how long that lasted right because what happens when Moses comes down 40 days later with the tablets Moses comes down 40 days later with the tablets and what does Moses see us doing the golden calf we're literally cheating on God which means that incredible infatuation that incredible Revelation that incredible experience right it was a t Tony Robbins it it was great at the time but it didn't it didn't internalize Moses breaks the tablets and then we repent and now 40 Days Later Moses comes down with the second set of tablets and God says we recite this right after I forgive you that's the first yum Kipper when we received the second tablets and we were finally forgiven for that sin first tablets broke they shattered because there was a relationship dependent on a thing on an experience the second tablets endured and remained forever because it was a relationship that came with in that came from us we said God yes we messed up but we wanted and you know what God Said hey you still messed up and I still want you the first time he wanted us I want you right the second time he wanted us he married a reject because he still wanted I'm kidding but he still wanted us right he repaired that relationship because he took us to a space where the fragmentation isn't relevant because the connection runs much deeper he's not just forgiving us for our sins it's that those sins aren't going to get in the way of that deep connection if we can identify not the problem we we like to identify where problems happened and let's think back where we messed up and let's try to fix where we messed up why don't we think back where we were most connected and go from there why is the starting point always the negative space why don't we start from the positive space why don't we start from the space the point of connection think back to your most connected moment right and go from there so to illustrate this idea I want to quote you something from chapter 23 of Tanya for those who know me you are going to hear the Tanya probably the most quoted book in my my uh in our discussions because it's it's an incredible incredible work and I I recommend you get yourself a copy of the Tanya and dive in because it's incredible and here's what the Tanya says I'm going to read it inside but he says what is a Mitzvah cabala uses the analogy for Mitzvah the analogy cabala uses for Mitzvah the anthropomorphic did I say that right anthropomorphic analogy is organs or limbs the organs of God this is text three the the uh first side of the page text three Tanya chapter 23 in light of all that has been said above if you don't know what he said above you'll have to check your no I'm okay we can better understand and fully and clearly elucidate the statement in the Zohar and the commentary in the tun that the 248 Commandments are the 248 organs of the king there's 3 there's 613 Commandments right there's 365 don'ts there's 248 dos what is the significance of 248 dos there's 248 organs that we have right your eyes your heart your nose every Mitzvah represents a different organ a different organ of God every positive Mitzvah yeah right when you put on fill and you're connecting as if you're connecting to the arm of God and when you put every Mitzvah has its organ that it connects to that it correlates with that's why it says Abraham Isaac and Jacob were called chariots that's what it says because they their entire body was full of just Mitzvah they were like a chariot for the Divine a chariot for God so what does this mean the performance of The Commandments and their fulfillment is the innermost Garment of the innermost will of the Supreme one a Mitzvah is what God wants and a what God wants is basically expressed in the behavioral performance of a Mitzvah since it is due to this performance that the light and the life of the superal will issued forth to be clothed in the worlds if you want to connect to what God wants not in a philosophical way in a behavioral way so God will channel that in Mitzvah just like we Channel our body our our soul into organs hence they're called organs of the King as a figure of speech for just as the organs of the human body are a garment for its soul and are completely and utterly surrendered to it as evidenced from the fact that that as soon as a person desires to stretch out his hand or foot they obey his will immediately and forwith without any command or instruction to them with no hesitation whatsoever but in the very instant that it Wills when you raise your arm or you extend your foot you had that desire and your foot listened it didn't sign any documents okay I agree to do it right it just does it because it's subservient to the soul it's listening to the soul so by way of example is the life force animating the performance of The Commandments and their fulfillment completely surrendered to the supreno will which is cloth therein becoming in relation to it like a body to a soul so when you when you move when your body moves right your body is just receiving your soul and just doing what you desire right your desire your willpower let's say that's your soul and right now I'm moving my arm I didn't even think about it it's just listen right a Mitzvah is called an organ because it's like that vessel to channel God's light right when you see my body you don't say hey Josh's body is sitting here at the table you say Josh is sitting at the table because with the body comes everything I represent with a Mitzvah which is the body comes everything that that body represents which is the will and passion and desire and mission of God make sense now we mess up on one of those Mitzvah which is inevitable we're not perfect and it's like we didn't just miss something on the to-do list we we neglected an organ we neglected a part of God's body so who do we need to connect to now not just another organ but the occupier of that or of those organs the general soul of the body in other words if a Mitzvah is what God wants T shua is reinitiating the relationship with he who wants I'm going say that again if a Mitzvah is what God wants to shua is reinitiating the relationship with he who wants right if your spouse or your employee or employer or whatever it is has something they really appreciate and they've been vulnerable about it I want this and we've neglected it it's inevitable we have to reinitiate the relationship not with what they wanted with them that's toua that's why toua is not one of the 613 Commandments according to my monties it's the essence of Commandments it's the energy behind the Commandments this is why nobody can tell you to do toua it has to come within it has to come within it it's let me put it this way I don't just regret my behavior I'm proud of the relationship and I think the more we talk in those terms the more we identify with that connection and that's why on high holidays and the truth is every day with prayer we're reciting the same prayers every day Shai is roel hero Israel the Lord Is Our God the Lord is one we keep saying the same thing again and again and again because the more we speak that way consciously the more we remind ourselves hey this is actually the true me when we sayem God you are one and we articulate it when we recite the shma and same with all the prayers we're actually reorienting ourselves recalibrating ourselves to that frame of mind I'll give you an analogy some of you may have heard this analogy for me before it's one of my favorite ones the sun is shining for how many hours a day 24 right um right you'll you you won't exactly you won't see the sun shining for 24 hours a day but it's still shining for 24 hours a day so at night time when Sun's set it's still shining just somewhere else so where are you going to experience the light of the sun you have to experience it through the moon you have to experience it through its reflection and if you don't see the light of the sun reflected on the moon that doesn't mean that the sun stopped shining what does it mean there's either there's a cloud in the way or the moon's in the wrong spot right and when the moon gets into the right spot it's going to finally reflect the light of the Sun the soul is shining 24/7 like that sun and if we don't experience the soul being reflected on our hearts we don't experience the soul being reflected on our minds it doesn't mean the soul stopped the flame is dead it just means either something's in the way which is part of Tashua right let's let's get it let's get that out of the way um or it means we need to recalibrate we need to put our heart and mind in the right space and behavior is a great starting point hearing the Chau far coming to sh reciting the P it's a great starting point to get ourselves into that right space so we can realign ourselves and just be comfortable with the soul and fully just reflect with our hearts and Minds that depth that's Tashua it's that recalibration right the relationship is there the connection is there I I I heard a great I heard a great analogy from Rabbi Manus fredman somebody said what do you how do you navigate a bad marriage he said it's not the marriage that's bad the marriage is good he says you got to right it's us that has to recalibrate in our marriage with God to put ourselves back with God if I did proper toua and I felt that alignment I felt that connection I felt that I refreshed myself fundamentally not just rechecked the items on the to-do list what is the first thing I should notice about myself what are the first things we should be noticing about ourselves right right the soul should be shining we should have joy we should have SIM somebody was joking one of these comedians he says what's with this Jewish New Years it's like the the Jewish New Year is like the day after secular New Year oi I'm so bad I'm so right all this introspection but but it's not true if we're doing proper T shua the reaction should actually be passion the reaction should be Joy the reaction should be Sim our Mitzvah observant the to-do list should be should be infused with Vitality with life with passion with love that's what would happen if we did proper toua and we'll have that moment right we we carry it that we we get back to the nucleus so we can we can recalibrate and reconnect I'll tell you a great story The bov bov who founded theic movement the 1700s was traveling and he was going to be abroad for yum Kipper and he was trying to find the right sh to go to and he was looking for specific criteria and it wasn't how much are the tickets who has the best ksh he was looking for the right cancer who's going to have the right passion the right intentions the right meaning because he wanted to have a very unique prayer experience and not just um you know synagogue culture and he heard that there's a specific in a specific caner at a specific sh that he's going to appreciate and he starts conducting interviews usually they interview the caner he but it's the other you know he's interviewing not to hire the cand but see if I should be praying here and he says I heard that your prayers are unique what do you do he says when it comes to the confessional prayer on yum Kipper where we recite the various items that we shouldn't have done and we he says I recite it it's usually done with a somber tune he says I recite it with a joyous upbeat Happy tune he says why he says because we're cleaning out the dirt from the palace making space for the king that's something we need to celebrate that's something we need to do joyously the B said this is the synagogue I'm going to this is where I'm going to be praying on yum because the approach T toua should be Joy the outcome of tshua should be Joy now until this point we've discussed how we approach God or how we approach others in a relationship how to actualize a connection that we already have right but what is God's perspective now I can't tell you personally what God's perspective is because I'm not a prophet but I will share with you something fascinating from the talmud because it discusses the real mechanics of forgiveness and what really what what does God how does God view us when he forgives Us and how should we be viewing other people so we could forgive them we know what it's like to get forgiveness right to reconnect to the true source of the relationship but how do we forgive best starting point to look at is God how is God forgiving what does God do so I want to share with you text number four on our sheets over here this is an excerpt from track dat rashash the talmud page 17b and it cites the 13 attributes of Mercy the 13 attributes of Mercy is the prayer that Moses had recited in the Torah when we are being forgiven for the sin of the golden calf and we Moses was essentially stating God's mercy and the talmud tells us the backstory between Moses's interaction with God at this moment that we were being forgiven for the sin of the golden calf and here's what it says so first we quote from the Torah about what these 13 attributes of Mercy says and the Lord passed before him and proclaimed Etc the 13 attributes of Mercy which you'll see throughout the High holiday service you you'll see that a lot but here's what raban from the talud said we're not explicitly written in the verse it would be impossible to say this the verse teaches us that the Holy One Blessed Be he wrapped himself in a prayer Shaw like a prayer leader and showed Moses the structure of the order of the prayer of the 13 attributes of Mercy he said to him whenever the Jewish people sin Let Them act before me in accordance with this order and I'll forgive them so God puts on a Talis as if he was the prayer leader wraps himself up recites the 13 attributes of Mercy his own mercy and says whenever you guys sin you do the same and you'll be forgiven it's like that's it that's all takes say this and boom you're forgiven what is this wrapping up with the talus now we know that God is not a physical human being and the Torah speaks anthropomorphically and especially when the tal uses these analogies it's not necessarily literal but it's it's a creative way of conveying a message and what's the message here of God wrapping himself up in in a Talis so I read anite from was AIC leader in the late 1700s and here's what said he said imagine I mean what the biggest part of sinning the most difficult part is you have this beautiful pristine soul and it's like what are we doing to it it's like what are we doing right we're we're we're staining ourselves so if God were to look at the perspective of our soul it's like you should have known better doesn't the soul have Clarity doesn't the soul get that it's connected that it the soul gets it but God says I recognize that the soul has been wrapped up in a body I understand that your Soul's been through a journey I understand that while de down inside you know the truth and you want to connect to it but I understand that there's life circumstances beyond your control that led you to this moment maybe you didn't know or maybe circumstances happened and you felt challenged I understand that the body puts Tunnel Vision on the soul and limits our view and limits our perspective which affects our ability to strengthen ourselves and Prevail and persevere he says God says I get it God is empathizing and to indicate that empathy he wraps himself in a tus and he says just like your soul has been bogged up by your body and you're trying to break free I'm empathizing with that fact I'm wrapping myself up in a Talis anytime we sin we say this prayer and God remembers to empathize with us but how do we approach other people who've let us down that same empathy I understand that there's circumstance we can't have that empathy to ourselves we have to be a little bit more honest with ourselves maybe but but towards other people I understand that there's life circumstances that brought you here and maybe it's not your fault and look past if we could look past the garbage and try to look for the beauty we're going to find incredible treasure houses within each person I want to conclude with a story this is one of my favorite stories there was a fellow in his 30s visiting out of town he went to a wedding and he sees this senior fellow at the wedding that he had recognized he realizes it was his teacher from back in second grade he comes up to him he says Rabbi how are you do you remember me he says you look familiar he say oh you're so and so he says yes how you remember me he was excited that his teacher in second grade remembered him he says to the student the teacher says what are you what are you up to these days he says I'm a teacher what led you to becoming a teacher you did what did I do he says you don't remember I mean it was however many years ago right 20 22 22 23 years ago he says what happened he says we were in second grade we were in school and this boy had a new watch that his parents had bought him I was jealous of his watch my parents couldn't afford the watch I wanted the watch during recess I went into his backpack I stole the watch he came back after recess looking for the watch gone he's crying he's hysterical and you made an announcement whoever took the watch please return it and we won't you'll be fine but he's giving you gave a chance to repent but I was mortified I was too embarrassed I'm not going to degrade myself I'm not returning that watch so you announced it a second time whoever took the watch please return it you could put it in my desk when nobody's looking but you need to return the watch he says I just couldn't get myself to do it I was mortified you then announced that I'm left with no choice but I'm going to have to search everybody's Pockets you lined us all up and I'm mortified because I'm 8 years old 7 years old and my reputation is done I'm a thief I'm a no good nobody's ever going to trust me nobody's ever going to like me and I'm this is the thoughts ruminating in his mind as an 8-year-old who stole a watch and I'm going to be ashamed and embarrassed in front of everybody yet I didn't know what to do and then at that moment right before searching you instructed everybody to close their eyes so they don't see who actually took the watch and you saved me even though I messed up terribly even though I I I I made a horrible mistake you protected my honor and allowed me the opportunity to return and the teacher was just looking at him like whoa right a lasting impact years later it left a large impression on him and this he says to the teacher you don't remember this like this was such a pivotal moment in my life from such a young age I'm surprised that you don't remember this story the teacher said I didn't know it was you because my eyes were closed he was able to close his eyes and look past the negativity so he could see the Beauty in another person God's wrapping himself in that Talis saying I know that deep down wrapped up in that body there's a soul there's something beautiful and when we discover that within ourselves we discover that within others we discover the true Source the deepest level of connection that's my story and I'm sticking to it