Why Relationships Crumble: Lessons from Ki Seitzei & Shatnez

How do you have a good relationship? How do you know when it's time to drop a relationship? How do you know if this relationship is viable? If it's going to work. So, we're going to derive this lesson from the mitzvah of shates. Shnis is the forbidden mixtures. The forbidden mixture of linen and wool that is discussed in this week's para. It's prohibited to wear linen and wool mixed together. Um, you buy a suit from Banana Republic, a linen suit. I'm using them as an example, calling them out because they were known to have shots. Um, apparently it's a in general besides for select companies, it's it's less common these days. By the way, you know how like you're not supposed to leave like food kosher food unattended like in a kitchen like let's say at a restaurant you need a masak right? How do you know they're not going to put something non-cooser? So there's a discussion in I'm putting this in brackets here but there's a discussion in whether you can bring a garment to a non-Jewish tailor. How do you know they're not going to put chases in it? Right? It's similar question to to kautus. Um, I think in practice we don't assume it's an issue because linen is expensive and there's no gain by using something that's that's going to be more expensive. But let's take a step back for a moment because clothing, linen, and wool, the shot is are not the only forbidden mixtures discussed in this week's para. It's also forbidden to crossbreed animals. It's also forbidden to crossbreed fields or or or produce. The Torah tells us all three, right? You can't crossreed animals. You can't cross crossbreed food. You can't crossreed or mix linen and wool in clothing. Actually, you could mix linen wool and clothing. You just can't wear it. Fine. um wi with the fruits you can't actually not just you can't eat it you can't do it but separate thing then the Torah right afterwards the next verse tells us about the mitzvah of titsis it says to put fringes on your four cornered garment and Rashi asks the question why are you telling us that right now especially since so I'd mentioned it earlier to teach us that there is an exception to where shot is the forbidden mixture of linen wool is permitted in citus. If you have wool citus, if you have a wool garment, you could put linen fringes. Or if you have a linen garment, you technically could put wool fringes. Okay? You're not supposed to for for other reasons, which is a discussion beyond the scope of today's class, but technically you wouldn't be violating the the biblical prohibition if your titus were comprised of shots. Mymonities tells us that there's another exception to this rule of Shatune. When Shates was permitted, the belt of the Cohen Cohen had four distinct garments and one of which were his belt, his garel, and it was made of shnes. As a general rule, shot is prohibited and the two exceptions titus the mitzvah of titus and the coen's belt which begs the question that commentaries address. Why are there exemptions for the forbidden mixture of wind linen and wool but there is no exemption for the forbidden mixture of foods or crossbreeding animals? It's not like we say, okay, in this situation you can crossbreed animals. In this situation, you can crossbreed fruits. But we do say in this situation you could crossreed linen and wool. Let's take a step back for a moment. everything in Torah um especially when it comes to to you know we often see halak as a list of dos and don'ts but they're actually a reflection of something much deeper and that's the various layers of Torah. Torah is multi-layered. There's the way front end, the most practical component, do this or don't do this, but there's a multi-layered back end of Torah. And and that's where so many different cabalists and commentaries come in. And everything has a philosophical background to it, a spiritual background to it. The spiritual background is the Cabala. Kabala means it's a tradition. It's a tradition handed down from generation to generation because it's not something you you can kind of just figure out and and philosophize about. And here's what the cabalists say that the prohibition of linen and wool mixing them together or really the prohibition of any forbidden mixture has a deeper reason to it. The Torah doesn't state any obvious reason or or rational reason, but there is a spiritual reason. The cabalists teach, and this is based on the Zohar and and several other sources, that when you mix linen wool together, you're mixing two things that should not go together, two forces of energy that should not go together. And it might look good to mix them together. It might feel comfortable to mix them together. Those should not be mixing. There's certain things in life that we might feel compelled to mix. We shouldn't. By the way, meat meat and milk is another example. What are these two forces that shouldn't be mixed? So the explanation is on a basic level the channels of andur the channels of divine kindness and benevolence and discipline and benevolence and discipline and gura the right and left arm you can't have one arm they have to be two distinct arms they have to be separate and the moment we try mixing them even if it seems from our perspective that it should be mixed It actually should not be mixed. It needs its own distinct identity. Two forces that are opposing need to be in their own lane. Some of you may be familiar with the cabalistic concept of the world that pre-existed our world. Our world is referred to in in in cababalistic lingo as the world of tikun, the world of fixing. Well, what are we fixing? We're fixing the world of toou was this world where every force of energy was just so extreme they couldn't mix together. You had so much benevolence and so much kindness and neither of them could restrain and they just clashed and shattered. And that's our job in this world is to find balance. And in order to find balance, we need boundaries, separation. I I'll give you an example. Imagine imagine two entrepreneurs that go into business together, partners. You know the joke Rabbit Gordon tells? This guy says, "Um, I have a lot of experience. You have a lot of money. Let's go into business together. Let's invest. I have some good ideas. He says, "Okay." A year later, he says, "Look, now I have the money and you have the experience." [Laughter] Imagine both of these people in reality being in business together. What are they going to agree on? Where are they going to get to? One sees that you should invest in the future. One sees you should invest in the present. One sees that you should spend. One sees that you should conserve. One sees that you should strive to do more. One says you should strive to perfect what you have. One is more of a benevolent nature. One is more of a gavora discipline restraint type person. This isn't going to work. There is a way it could work which we'll get to soon. But it doesn't seem like it's going to work. There has to be some sort of separation. And we see this historically by the way. One of the first the fir no one of the first world catastrophes happened because of shot historically. Look in the Torah in the book of Genesis. Cen kills he kills Abel. Why? Well, one of them was offering sheep as a gift to God on his altar. The other offered flax. That was the wool and the linen. And God accepted one, not the other. God understood that there's boundaries. But Cayenne did not believe in those boundaries. And he ended up killing he was these two opposing forces that just could not coexist without boundaries, without separation. What we see on the front end of the Torah, don't mix linen and wool. But what the cabalists are telling us is that the linen wool mixtures are representative and emblematic of a deeper force in life that needs to be kept separate. What teaches us is that this is a lesson in our relationships, our relationship with God, our relationship with ourselves. I'll give you a couple of other historical examples. by the way of disasters happening from trying to mix things that should not be mixed. One generation before Cayenne killing He killing Abel was the snake that seduced Adam and Kava into eating from the tree of knowledge. He said, "I have this brilliant idea. There's this tree of knowledge. There's a tree of life, right? God told them, "Eat from any tree besides for this tree of knowledge." And the snake's idea was, "Eat from the tree of knowledge and the tree of life. You'll be all knowing. You'll live forever. You'll be like God." These two opposing forces of all knowing and eternality. It didn't work. It ended up being catastrophic. Another example, we usually uh let's let's go down 20 generations to Abrahamu to Abraham. We usually associate Ara as being benevolent, being kind, in fact being too benevolent, being too accepting. He was very accepting of even Yeshu until God said, "Get him out of here." Um, but we do see that he employed discipline with his nephew Lot. Do you remember Lot's shepherds arguing with Aram's shepherds? Aram's shepherds were muzzled. Lot's shepherds were not. And Lot allowed his shepherds to graze freely. And Aram said, "It belongs to people. We can't steal." There's the do what you want personality. There's the there's rules personality and they the the the two forces besides the values couldn't coexist. The forces couldn't coexist. Aram said we have to separate. We have to go our separate ways. We have to agree to disagree from a distance. And that's what ended up happening. Now, what we're describing right now seems very antithetical to like to Judaism. Isn't coexistence a good thing? Isn't coexistence necessary? The marriage isn't working. Just give it up. That's not what we're trying to say, right? What What exactly is the Torah telling us here with this value of keeping such strict boundaries with two things that can't get along? Usually we see balance and blending of opposing forces in the right way as a good thing, as a possible thing. And the answer is there's times where it's possible and there's times where it isn't. How do you know the difference? How do you know when it's possible or when it's not possible? And the answer is one word and it starts with a B the letter BL. If there's BL it's possible two opposing forces can unite. If there's no BL it's not possible. Ble means do I exist for myself or do I exist for a higher purpose for a calling? We literally translate bitt as like nullification, losing oneself. But it's but it's a there's a deeper identity here. And the English direct to English translation doesn't do justice of what we're really trying to to say. But bell and kadusha, holiness are synonymous because what is holiness? It's godly. It's like God. there's almost like a seamlessness or a transparency between God and and and and this force. And if there is, it exists for a higher purpose. It should be able to coexist and and operate together with another opposing force. I'll give you a few examples. Example number one, we say this multiple times a day in the Amida. Shalom. Right in the kadesh shalom. God makes peace in the heights in the heavens. There's peace in the heavens. Well, why isn't there peace on earth? Well, what do they have in heaven that you don't have in earth? On earth. A recognition that there's something bigger than our own selves. So you have for example the angel that dominates or represents uh or is the influence of kindness of that's the angel of that was the angel that gave of Ramino the news that he's going to have a child. You have the angel of discipline, of strength, the angel of Gabriel from the word gavura. That was the angel that destroyed Saddam. And somehow they're able to operate together and not see their mission as a contradiction. In other places in cabalistic teaching, it teaches that the angel of kindness is represents water, the other angel fire. Somehow they're able to coexist. How? Because they're living for something deeper than their own selves, not their own identity, not their own agenda. So now shalom bimav God makes peace bim in the heights in the heavens. In the heavens there's able to be peace because these angels have a recognition that there is a god that there's something greater than them. Now they can get along. Now their missions are very different but not opposing. I'll give you another example. There's an interesting midrash. This is interesting. The midrash says, and I'm not quoting it. I'm just paraphrasing that you have a mitzvah to love God and you have a mitzvah to rever God. And those are like almost opposing feelings. How how could you have two opposing feelings for the same God? So the midrash asserts that when it comes to anything in life, you either love it or you revere it. Maybe both, but not simultaneously. You can't simultaneously love and fear or love and revere. Maybe you'll cycle back and forth. You can't do both at the same time. When it comes to God, there's space for both. that bit allows space for multiple things for multiple forces that even in other situations would have been opposing forces. Um I'll give you another example. Think of the holiest space on on earth, the holy of holies in the mikdash where it says the ark was a measurable of measurable size but didn't take up any space. That was the ultimate Bissle where it has an identity, a quantifiable identity, a perceptual identity, yet it doesn't take up space because it exists for something much deeper than itself. I'll tell you a story that took place in the I think in the early 80s in the Olympics. USA was playing against Russia. This was shortly after the Cold War and they were playing hockey. And I I guess I wasn't there, but I guess people felt that this hockey game was much more than a hockey game, but was emblematic of two countries fighting each other, albeit be it in a more peaceful way. But it it it it felt to be it it was s it was symbolic of of a deeper uh cultural identity than just a simple Olympic game. So apparently people were really on edge about this hockey game. Anybody remember this hockey game? They they called it the miracle on ice. Oh yeah. Okay. So they they coined it the miracle on ice and apparently so they interviewed after USA1 of course. No I'm kidding. After after USA1 they interviewed the coach his name was coacher Brooks they asked him how'd you do it? What' you do? Apparently Russia was really good and winning was quite a novelty. So, Coach Brook said that the night before we were practicing on the rink and we were practicing non-stop, just going drilling at it again and again and again. It got to the point that the players were just sick of it. Their feet were numb. They were cold. They were tired. They said, "Coach, when can we finally stop?" And he said, "When you recognize that the name on the front of your jersey is more important than the name on the back of your jersey." And they got the point. They got the point of what he was trying to convey. That we if we're each in this for our own agenda, our own fame, our own identity, our own personal calling, we have to keep practicing because we're not really going to succeed. we're going to clash. But if our identity is the name of on the front of our jersey, a collective identity, then we could each recognize our own unique position and respect that you're the goalie and you're the center and you're the whatever the names are of hockey. I'm a real American. Um, this was baseball, I could tell you. Um but when you have ble when you have submission to something bigger than yourself and especially to God the opposing forces don't actually contradict. Um but by the way I see this with couples. couple comes in and you could have very much opposing forces. But through a series of questioning, we we can get each other to understand what it is that we really want. Because my goal and your goal might contradict, but why I want that goal, why it's important to me. the deep identity that it creates and the deep identity your goal creates within you don't necessarily need to contradict and if we look deeper there can actually be unity I'll give you an example one of my counseling mentors shared with me because this is a more extreme example that he had he had a couple that came in she said I want another child he said over my dead body doesn't get much more different than that so he says to her if I had another child. What would that do for you? Why is that important? I'd be fulfilling God's mission for which I was created. She felt that that was integral to her to her existence. And he says to him, "If you didn't have another child, what difference would that make to you? What would that do for you? I'd be fulfilling God's mission for which I was created to take care of my family and be financially stable." Okay? They were both centering themselves around God. Now they had a much more peaceful conversation because they wanted the same thing. It was just a question of how to get there. So when our identity is centered around something bigger than ourselves, there's able to be unity. The opposing forces don't actually contradict, don't actually clash. They unite. The relationship thrives. So back to Shatnes. Shatnes the mixture of linen and wool are these two forces and these two forces oppose each other but not in the context of tissus a mitzvah not in the context of what God wants especially a fundamental mitzvah like titis. Titus is a very fundamental mitzvah because the whole purpose of titus is to remind us of all the mitzvah. It's there's 613 mitzvah and one of the 613 is remember all mitzvah or wear this garment to remember all mitzvah. It's so fundamental in in performing the will of God that these two forces work together because they're centered around something much deeper. Similarly with the belt of the Cohen because the Cohen is representing every single Jewish person in the in the basa mikdash in connecting to God and the belted is an integral part of that service. When Messiah comes, here's what the cabalists say that when Messiah comes, God's presence is going to be revealed in this world. The world will be filled with the knowledge of God as the earth will is as the sea is covered with water. The whole all of all flesh will see the unity of God. We'll see the truth of God. And if God is truly revealed in this world, the world will have no more contradictions. Which is why there'll be no more war when Msiah comes. on a very literal level, the way the Rambam describes the messianic era, it's this peaceful time of no uh but there's a reason for that because it's a time where God's presence is very much revealed and that's when shates the forbidden mixtures and even milk and meat all these forbidden mixtures are going to be permitted because they're not going to be opposing forces they're going to be united forces and in our life we could start living the Mashiach moment, living with Messiah. Mashiach is not here yet, but we could start to notice the presence of God in our life and try to find the unity between these opposing forces to bring unity into our own lives. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.