Rabbi Mordechai Kraft - 5 Relationship Principals

And the lecture tonight is the five most powerful principles for successful relationships. And when I say the five most powerful principles, I'm not exaggerating. And I didn't make them up, either. We're going to derive them from the most powerful place we can derive them in the entire Torah. And understand how these five principles, perhaps, will enhance every relationship we're in. Where are we going to derive them from? We're going to derive them from the 10 Commandments. So, in order to do this, first we have to review what the 10 Commandments are. Now, we know that God gave us 10 Commandments. 10 Commandments were given at Har Sinai, at the mountain of Sinai. They were given the first two, at least, were given to the entire Jewish people, where the Jewish nation actually witnessed God. They saw an intimate experience with Hashem, then it says they died, then Moshe had to come and get the rest. God had to revive them. But, the 10 Commandments, basically, were given in front of the entire Jewish people. Now, why did God choose to give 10 Commandments? Why did he do this? There's something special about these 10 Commandments, which are obviously some sort of root directory for the rest of the Torah. That these 10 Commandments, somehow, key in to the whole purpose and principle of Torah, which is why God gave us these 10. So, let's just review for a moment the 10. And let's see if we like them all. First one is Anochi Hashem Elokecha asher hotzeisicha me'eretz Mitzrayim, mibeis avadim. First one is Anochi Hashem, I am Hashem. Good? We vote yes? If we were the committee, we're the committee deciding on the 10 Commandments. This is the Bukharan Jewish community on the 10 Commandments committee. We have to vote. What do we think should be the top 10 to be on the tablets and to inscribe on our synagogues. So, good. Anochi Hashem, what do you say? Okay. Anochi Hashem. Is that one? I know here she is sham. I am the Lord your God. Yes, no? Yes. Good. I'm with you. I vote yes. Second one. You shouldn't have any false gods in in brief. Yes? No false gods? Yes. Yes, no? Yes. Yes. Good. I'm with you. How about this one? Number three. You shouldn't take the name of the Lord your God in vain. Yes, no? Yes. Anybody vote no? No. Anybody vote yes? Yes. Okay. What does it mean? The commandment not to take God's name in vain. Let me explain what it means. It means amongst a couple things, it means not to swear falsely. Now, what does it mean to swear falsely? There are two types of oaths that you could make. One type of oath is as this. One type of oath is an oath where let's say I borrowed $100,000 from my friend Reuben. And I deny that he lent me the money. I claim he did not lend me the money. So, he drags me to court. He drags me to the Jewish bait din. And they ask me, "Rabbi Kraft, did you borrow this $100,000 from Reuben?" And I say, "No." They say, "Okay, take an oath. Swear in the name of God that you didn't borrow this $100,000." Now, if I swear in the name of God, you know what? I'm believed. Why? Because swearing in the name of God is a very powerful thing. People are usually scared to use God's name in vain. Therefore, I swear in God's name, I would believe be believed in a court of law, even if I'm lying. But, I would be believed. That's one type of oath. Another type of oath is, for example, if I look at this chair, or somebody looks at this chair, and makes an oath and says, "I swear this is a couch. I swear this chair is an automobile. I swear this chair is a refrigerator." That's another type of oath. Well, that makes no sense then. Okay, let me ask you a question. Which one of those two types of oaths do you think is the Ten Commandments are referring to when it says you will not take the name of the Lord your God in vain? Which one? It's referring to one of them. Which one? Vote number one is I person swears falsely in court in order to try to get away with 100,000. Second one is the person swears this chair is a refrigerator. Who Who votes for the first one? First? Who votes for the second? What do we think? Who will vote for the first? Why? Who wants to say why? Why do you vote for the first? Not Not cuz I voted for the first. Never play Simon Says with me. I'm a very, very sneaky Simon Says player. Go. Why? Why? Why? Because you're basically not using God's God's name in vain and if you're swearing upon God's name, then you're saying in vain if you're like saying something false. Remember, the first one case, I'm using God's name to try to get away with $100,000. I'm going to A person's going to swear in God's name, "I definitely did not borrow the money." And he wins. Swears in God's name. Second case, says something stupid. I The person swears this chair is a a couch or refrigerator. So, you claim that it's the first one the Torah's talking about which the Torah says, "Thou shalt not take God's name in vain." Who said it was the second one? Anybody say it was the second one? Go. Why? Because like sh'tur to say uh Sh'tur? Yeah, and it's uh that's what I would consider in vain. Okay. So, what's the answer? The answer is it's curtain number two. Number two. When the Torah says, "Thou shalt not take the name of the God your God in vain. It's referring to don't swear that this chair is something besides a chair. Don't swear this chair is a car. This chair is a couch. This chair is a refrigerator. But you know, if you asked me, if we were the committee deciding, well, don't use god's name in vain. You know what I would say? I think I would have voted for number one, personally. Why? Because, you know, if you're going to use god's name in vain, like, you know, and try to get away with $100,000, that's really bad. To use god's name to, you know, do something silly or stupid with it, it's not nice, but does it have to be in the 10 Commandments? What's it doing in the 10 Commandments? Okay, hold this whole question for a moment. That's the question I have. What's that doing in the 10 Commandments? Let's just hold the questions for a minute. We're just going to keep it moving for a little bit. Okay. Hold the questions. Unless they're really, really important and just have to say it. Okay, DJ, say your question. It's not a question. The first one is like it's like you're swearing that god is god. Yeah, but it's true. He is god. It seems more upsetting to say I swear to god. Okay. Because it's silly. It's true. Maybe it's not going to be more damaging to society, but it's it's maybe abusing god's name more. Good. I hear you. Good. Okay, commandment number three. Number four, excuse me. Keep shabbos. What do we say with the committee? Should it be in the 10 Commandments? Keep shabbos? Yes. Yes? Good. I'm I'm there 100%. Keep shabbos. It should definitely be in there. Six days you will work. Seventh day will be for Hashem. Good. Commandment number four. Commandment number five. Honor your mother and your father. Commandment number five. What do we say? Yes, no? Yes. Honor parents? Good. I'm with you on number five as well. Commandment number six. Lo sirtzach. Don't kill. Yes. We're all in agreement? Yes, good. Commandment number seven. Lo sinaf. Don't commit adultery. Yes. In agreement? Yes. Good. With you. Commandment number eight. Lo signov. Don't steal. Yes, no? Yes. Okay, problem with this one. It says in the Torah two places don't steal. Lo signov, lo sigzo. In one case it's talking about don't kidnap. What do you think the 10 Commandments is talking about? The general commandment of not to steal or the specific commandment of not to kidnap? It's talking about the specific commandment of not to kidnap. Question, were the committee writing the 10 Commandments? Isn't that a little bit too specific? I mean, shouldn't there be the more general principle of lo signov, which is don't steal, don't rob somebody? But not to kidnap? That's very specific. I dare say that I might not have included that one. I might have put the more general one in of just don't steal. Good? Good question? Okay. Number nine. Lo sa aneh bereh et shav. Don't be a false witness in a court of law. That means if someone brings you in to testify about something in a court of law that that let's say that they lent money or whatever it might be or that you witnessed someone damaged someone's property, you have to swear falsely. You can't lie. Include that one in? Yes? Good. Okay, I'm with you. It's a good one. How about number 10? Lo sachmod eshes re'echa lo sichmod beis re'echa. Two things. Lo sachmod, don't covet. Don't be jealous of what another person has and don't desire it. Let's call it don't covet, don't be jealous, don't desire what someone has. Yes, no? I don't know. I don't know. Let me ask you, that's that's a tough one, you know. First of all, it's that mitzvah exists in the heart. Lo sachmod is in the heart, you know, means not to be jealous of so when someone gets married, don't be jealous that you wish you married that person. Someone buys a beautiful house, don't feel I wish I had that. Someone has nice car, don't feel oh I wish I got the car. That's what it says, it's a mitzvah of the heart. Lo sachmod, sometimes it could be expressed out in action. For example, if somebody really doesn't want to sell a piece of property, but you put pressure on them and you you insist and your people call them and finally they sell you the property, even if they offer you a good price or you they give you you know you give them a good price for it, one has violated the commandment of lo sachmod. Because they really didn't want to sell it. You You desire something they had. So sometimes it could be expressed in action as well, or it could be expressed just in the heart of not desiring what someone else has, jealousy. What do we say? Should it be in the Ten Commandments? You know, I I mean this is my big question. Like you know, if I only have 10 spaces on the page, what about the important commandment of not afflicting the widow or not afflicting the orphan or taking care of the poor or really holy commandments like Yom Kippur or perhaps keeping kosher. What about all these important commandments? How come not being jealous makes it in and all these important commandments like not oppressing the widow or the orphan is left out? So I dare say that might be a question as well. Yeah? Um I think the Ten Commandments basically relates to Cuz it really it reflects on the actual person itself. Let's say, you know, keeping kosher or actually the example of the widow, let's say. Like it doesn't it doesn't um affect your personality and daily life as much as it would if you would be jealous. That could really destroy a person. Mhm. And like really bring you to do very bad things. Mhm. Go murder, that can also it it just exacerbates your your human being. I hear what you're saying though. It's definitely a human thing not to be jealous could lead to a very productive happy life if we're not jealous, 100%. We'll be much happier people if we won't be jealous, 100%. But if we have to only have 10 spaces to include the most 10 important principles of Torah, that that should be included and it's something that takes place internally in the heart. It's hard to hear a little bit. That's That's just my problem. But I hear what you're saying and I think it's a very very good point. I'll hold this one second. Let me ask everybody a question. This could sound like a a little bit of a flippant question, like a little bit of a joke, but it's somewhat serious. Why did God need two tablets? You already You already answered once? Why did God need two tablets? Jewish law. What? One is not enough. Is that a joke they say? You know, Moshe Rabbeinu said, "How much do they cost?" He said, "They're free." So, I'll take two. Yeah, why do we need two? 10 is definitely important number, but why the vision of five and five? Why the vision of five and five? Five and five is Well, yeah, one is one one is between people and God and one is between people and people. Okay. So, oftentimes the fact that we see we look at the commandments up there. See the Ten Commandments? We notice that we have five on one side and five on the other side. We're all familiar with that. Now, if God chose to put five on one tablet and five on another tablet, obviously God was trying to teach us some essential division, some essential difference between the first and the second tablets, first side and the second side. So, oftentimes what people say is the first five have to do with the relationship between man and God, between Adam Lamakom. And the second side have to do between Adam the Adam, man and man. Man and God, the first five. We see Anochi Hashem, I am God, no other gods beside you, don't take my name in vain, remember Shabbos, honor mother and father. Second side, don't kill, don't have adultery, don't don't kidnap, don't be a false witness in court, and don't be jealous. Those are mitzvahs between man and man. That's often what people say. So, I have a question as was brought into my question. And my question is, what's wrong with that split? There's something essentially wrong with that split. What is it? It's an abridgement. Which which which commandment doesn't fit in that line man and God and man and man? Commandment number Honor your mother and your father. Commandment number five. Commandment number five is to honor man is to honor one's parents. One would think that should be on the side of of commandments between man and one's fellow man, not on the side between man and God. So perhaps we have to have a different alignment. What is that alignment? Perhaps that alignment is that the first five commandments are really between man and his creators. And who are our creators? Well, let's see. We have mother, father, and God. Side two are the relationships between man and one's fellow man. And therefore putting the fifth commandment of honoring one's parents on the side of man and his creators fits very nicely. Now, it's very interesting. The commandment to honor one's parents is a very very unique commandment in the Torah. Because it's extreme. It means that one is obligated to honor one's parents, but one doesn't need to like one's parents. One doesn't have to like them, but one has to honor them. How far does honoring go? So the Talmud brings different cases. It brings a case of a certain big rabbi and he was holding court with all of his students surrounding him and he was saying over beautiful words of Torah and his mother comes in and spits in his face and he doesn't react. Cuz he has to show her honor. Another case is a case where a father takes the money bag, a big wallet full of cash of his son and he takes it and he throws it into the sea and the son doesn't react. Such extreme examples of how far one has to go to honor one's parents. And that's why I say it's a very very interesting mitzvah because you have to honor them but it doesn't mean you have to like them. But you have to honor them. And I'm going to explain why in a moment. Okay, so keep that in mind. Boy? I just see the highest level of the mitzvah is to do it in a way where you actually feel tremendous love and gratitude and devotion. There's certain things you have to do for them. You know, even if they're abusive and whatever they might be, one still has to make sure they have clothing and and lodging and are being taken care of and have food and all the things that are done as part of the mitzvah of honoring one's parents and standing up for them. But if if obviously abusive type settings, it's one does have to be careful for oneself, obviously. But one has to honor. And I'm going to explain why in a moment, why that honor exists even if one doesn't necessarily like them. And hopefully we do like them. We should like them. Nice people, you should I'm a parent. Nice person. So let's take a look for a moment. Now, I have one more question for everybody. The question is like this. If I were to ask you the most fundamental mitzvah in the entire Torah what might you tell me? What's the most important mitzvah in the entire Torah? What would we say? Okay, Shabbat might be one. Study Torah might be one. Lashon hara? Shabbat? Other suggestions? What do you say? So we say Rabbi Akiva tells us what it is. Rabbi Akiva tells us that the most important mitzvah in the Torah is the mitzvah called the V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha. V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha. To love your fellow man like you love yourself. One time the Gemara tells us that a certain convert came to Hillel and said, "Teach me Torah on one foot." Meaning, give me the whole principle of Torah while you're standing on your foot. I want to hear the whole principle of Torah in one elevator conversation. You have 30 seconds to tell me the whole Torah. What is it?" So, Hillel tells him simply, V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha. To love your fellow man like you love yourself. But, Hillel doesn't express it like that. He says, "Don't do to your friend that which is hateful to you. Everything else is commentary. Go and learn." The whole guiding principle of the entire Torah is to love another person. V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha. Now, the Gemara asks a very fascinating question on that and says, "Wait a minute. That's beautiful. But, isn't that missing a very big half of the Torah? What half is it missing?" What about between man and God? Granted, that's talking about man and man, but what about between man and God? So, you know what the Gemara answers? The Gemara says, "God's also your friend." V'ahavta l'reacha, God's also your reacha. He's also your friend. Meaning, the relationships that you build with people, you're supposed to try to build the exact same relationship with God. They go hand in hand. The way we relate to Hashem, the way we relate to people, it's the same thing. So, why is this? Why is this principle the whole underlying principle of all the Torah? I'll try to explain what it means. Why? If we think about it, the whole purpose of creation is to get to know God. Now, what does that mean? It means that I have to create myself to be other-centered. Not to see myself as the center of the world, but to see God as a being outside of myself who I could love and honor and respect. And at the same time in my relationship with human beings, I have to get out of my self-centeredness and begin to see another human being for who and what they are. The tendency in life, of course, is to be totally self-absorbed, as we know. Little babies are born with one need, the big I, themself. That's all babies want. Children grow up a little bit and begin to notice that, "Wait a minute, there are other people." And you begin to have to teach children to share and to notice somebody else and be sensitive to another child's needs. And then then little children become teenagers and usually they regress back to where they were as babies, but fortunately they get past that period and then they go on. And the goal in life is to be other-centered. It's to realize that God, you exist and I'm not the center of this world. And if a person could gain that sensitivity to the existence of God outside of oneself, it means one has totally transformed their nature. I have taken myself and I have become a human being that's capable of realizing there's a creator. I'm not absorbed with myself, I'm other-centered. And that's the whole purpose of the human being. The refinement of a human being is to become other-focused, other-centered. That's it. And through that one's capable of having a relationship with God. And by having a relationship with God, one can therefore prepare himself to be capable of receiving God's pleasure for eternity. Now, that concept is a concept which we call the Ahavat Yisrael U'Re'ehacha It means that you have to love somebody who is not you. You have to relate outside yourself to a human being or to God who's distant, separate from you. That's the goal of life. To take my own selfishness and to transform it into being other-centered, to realize that people or God exist outside of me. I am not the center of the world. There is a creator. And that's it. In one if you could define all Judaism in a nutshell, it's the after the to else. Meaning to not view yourself as a center, but to look out of yourself, view God as being the center, and see someone else's needs as being important. And that takes a lot a lot of work. Cuz I said we're not born like that. We're born as babies being very selfish. And the human being tends to be very selfish. You know, that's why oftentimes the word I is a big part of a person's conversation. You know, I'm very concerned when I hear people saying I a lot. I did this, I did that, you know, well look what happened to me. I get a little bit nervous. Cuz I see a person is very into themselves. The I the I the I the capital I. It's a very very dangerous dangerous thing. You know, in the great Yeshiva of Kelm, the way they were trained to speak is you never spoke about the I, you always spoke about we. This is what we did. Or this is what happened to us. Or this is what we accomplished. It's not about I, it's about we. Recognize that other people helped you. You're not the center. The we. We did something. The I is a very dangerous thing. It means that I feel that I am the center. That's a very very negative negative personality trait. You know, I saw in the last week's parsha something I just saw that just interested me so much because it says that the the baker when he speaks to the the Sar Mashkim, the butler, when he describes what happened to him in in and and Joseph translated the dreams for him. Listen what he said. The butler saw him as far as I remember. The butler spoke to Pharaoh saying, He said, "Today I remember Oh, I remember my sin that I remember today. Pharaoh got so angry on his servant for eating and put me put me in the jail. Based on what he told me we had sorrow of us and the baker. But not the baker. And we had dreams there and me and me and him and him. He told me and he solved all of our dreams. I noticed in that sentence he mentions the word I 1 2 3 4 5 times. So our rabbis pick up on that and say that's a sign of a low person. Where he could have said the word I once he says it five times. Because the challenge of life is to get out of oneself. It's to be other centered. It's to realize that I am not the center of existence. A god outside of me. Human beings are outside of me. They're not just my appendages. Not part of my body. They exist and they're real. I have to love them and care for them. It's not all about me. If one could have that attitude in life, not only one will have a happy life, but one will have transformed one's personality from selfishness to selflessness to other centered. That is the sign of a tzaddik. It's a sign of refinement. It's a sign of a neshama that's really worked on himself. So now I'm going to suggest something to everybody. If that's the goal of the Torah, if the goal of the Torah is have to the right of the law. That is the purpose of it all. To love your fellow man like yourself and our rabbis say that means God also. He's also your friend. The same tools you need for man applies to God also. If that's the purpose of Torah to love another being, whether that be God, whether it be another human being, I'm going to suggest something to everybody. I'm going to suggest that the Ten Commandments are giving us the means to achieve that end. Which means how to have a successful relationship. Whether it be in the world of man and his creators or whether it be in the world of man and man. Now, the title of this lecture is the five most important principles for succeeding in healthy relationships. They're Ten Commandments. So, why are we talking about five principles? The answer is something very fascinating. Our rabbis teach us in an amazing midrash that the Ten Commandments were written in a way that you have five on one tablet and you have five on the other tablet. They're designed in a way that really they're supposed to face each other like this. Fold in on each other. Meaning that one corresponds to six, two corresponds to seven, three corresponds to eight, four corresponds to nine, and five corresponds to 10. So, in essence there are really perhaps five points that express themselves in two different ways. In the world of man relating to God and the world of man relating to man. Let's see what I mean. What's commandment number one on the side of man and God? I'm no fear sham of echo. I am God. What's commandment number six? No say it sucks. Don't kill. What's the common denominator? Don't murder. Don't murder. Don't murder, right. Don't murder. What's the common denominator? Don't kill is the correct right. Sometimes killing is permitted. Someone's a road day, someone's an enemy, sometimes we have to kill. Murder means taking his life purposely without So, what's the what's what's the common denominator of both of them? Let's take a look. The first commandment of the side of man and God is Anochi Hashem Elokecha, I am the Lord your God. Now, it's interesting. The Torah doesn't command believe in God. You know why it doesn't command believe in God? It doesn't command believe in God just like it doesn't say believe in gravity. It's reality. Anochi Hashem Elokecha means be aware of the reality of God. Anochi Hashem. Be aware of God's existence. God exists. Anochi Hashem Elokecha. I am the Lord your God. Focus on existence of God as being something outside of you. Not of course the God that he planted in the sham inside of us, which he did, but be aware of God as a being who is not you. There's the existence of God. Then why do I say that? I say like this because there are two ways to relate to God. Sometimes a person can relate to God almost in a selfish way. What might be a selfish way of relating to God? Well, God, I need you. You know, I need I need health and I need parnassah, I need livelihood and I need food and I need a shidduch and I need a job. Right? And I need a house and there's so many things that I need in life. So, God, I need you. Right? So, I can relate to God almost in a way where I want to get to know him. Why? Because he's the great candy man in the sky. And I need him. But in the essence, why do I why am I loving him or why am I serving him or why am I devoting myself to him? Because I love him or because I love myself. That has to do with loving myself. You know, we mentioned a few weeks ago in the story of Cain and Abel that God was very upset by Cain's offering. Cain offered to God the worst of the crops as we remember. The worst of the crops, and God turns to him and said, "Listen, that's not the type of offering I want." Now, what happened? Why was God so upset with Cain's offering? That God says to him, "Look, you know, why do you give me all this second-rate stuff over here?" So, it looked like that Cain's offering was a very calculated offering. Cain was a farmer. He wanted to make things grow from the ground, but he knew that he needed God. He needed Hashem. He needed Hashem for the wind and for the rain, and he needed Hashem for the dew in the morning, and he needed Hashem for the fertilizer in the soil, and all those things that cause crops to grow. So, therefore, when he gave God a gift, it was a gift that says, "Look, I need you, so take a gift." It wasn't a gift of God, like, "I'm so aware of your awesomeness. I'm so aware of how wonderful you are and how good you are to me. Therefore, I have and my heart is overflowing with gratitude." It was a calculated gift. You know, a calculated gift is not a gift that we want. You know, that's In marriage, you can give calculated gifts also. You know, for example, you know it's your wife's birthday, and you know if you don't give a gift, she's going to be upset with you, and you have $3 to your name. So, you have a choice. So, let's see, you could search around the city and find that perfect rose, which is purple and red and and violet and yellow and indigo, all those beautiful colors you know that she'd love it. So, you search around the city, you find that beautiful rose, $3, you buy it, you give it to her. She appreciates or it could happen that, you know, you come off of work, get off the subway, you go, "Oh my gosh, it's her birthday tonight. I can't believe it. I better get something." So, you look around. Oh, there's Rite Aid over there. So, you go into Rite Aid, and you think, "Well, what can I get her for three bucks? I don't know. She has dental floss. You know, like, you know, I guess her electric toothbrush is working still. Like, you know, you're looking around the aisles, and then you then you spot the perfect gift. What do you see? Oh, a chocolate heart box over there filled with chocolates. You know, you look at it, oh, $2.99, perfect. So, you pick it up. You buy it. You forget to take the price off it. You put it in the Rite Aid bag. You walk home, "Happy birthday, honey." Right? And she looks at it and says, "Well, that was tremendously thoughtful, you know." And she understands that that was a calculated gift. You know, you don't want her to be upset, so you bought her something, but you know, because you recognized her essence and what she's all about and what she does for you and who she is, but because you need her. You don't need You don't want her to be upset and you need her to you know, you need her be in a good mood. You don't want her to to be upset with you. That's a very calculated gift. That's one way, but it's not because I recognize your essence. The first commandment of the Torah is a commandment that says, "Anochi Hashem Elohecha." Notice that God exists. And he doesn't just exist to make you happy. Notice who God really is. Take a look at him closely. Take a look at what he's all about. Notice his existence. He's separate from you. He has an existence. His existence isn't just to provide you with your candy. His existence is something very, very special. He's outside of you. Notice that. Now, that's in the world of man and God. In the world of man and man, it says, "Lo tirtzach." Don't kill. What would be the ultimate betrayal of the realization that somebody exists separate from you? To take that person's life. To take somebody's life is really feeling that person somehow is just an appendage, an arm of you, and if they get in your way, you could kill them. If you recognize that this person is something very unique and special outside of you, you know, how could you possibly take their life? So, I'm going to suggest something. Commandment number Commandment num number one and number six are really teaching us a very important principle. For a relationship to be successful, you have to acknowledge that the other exists outside of you. That person is a person or that person is God and they have an existence not just because of you. You know, this is a big problem. For example, you know, I've heard it sometimes in education. Sometimes parents don't want to put their children into special education programs. You know why? Because they're embarrassed. It embarrasses the parent. My my child is in special education. Or maybe it's going to affect the shidduch of an older daughter. You know, is that loving the child for who the child is? Or is that loving oneself? Is that child just an expression of me? Therefore, the child is just an expression of me. Or if a parent says, you know, I know it would be the best thing to send my child out of town somewhere to go to Yeshiva, but it would really hurt me too much to have to send a child away. So, does one really love the child for who the child is? Or is one really love loving the child because one loves oneself? And the child makes me feel happy. That's not love. For love to be there, there has to be an appreciation that the other exists independently of you. God exists. He's there. He's independent. Your husband, your wife, they exist independently of you. There's something special and unique about them. They're not there just to give you to make you happy. Focus on their existence. It's not about you, it's about seeing them for who they are. Seeing God for who God is. So, I dare say that's the first principle. Principle number one is be aware of the existence of the other as separate from you. And that's why number one corresponds to number six. I am God, don't kill. You hear it? Don't kill is just an expression of you know, feeling that person is part of me, I can take their life. If you really recognize that person is somebody totally special, totally unique, How can you take the life? Can't do it. That's how it works. Let's take a look at number two. Second commandment of Torah is what? What's the second commandment? No idols. And number seven is don't commit adultery. What's the connection between those two? So, it's interesting. There's a very deep connection. Basically, the connection is this. Why does God say don't worship any other gods? I'm a jealous God. Is God really jealous? God doesn't have the human emotion of jealousy. What God is saying is that if you want this relationship between me and you to be important and to be special, don't mix in anything that doesn't belong here. Don't bring into this relationship somebody or something that doesn't belong. If relationship is going to work, one has to realize that what? That there is something totally, totally unique and special about the other and nobody can replace the other. Now, what does that mean? It means like this. You know, the human body, our body parts are generic. You know, there's very little difference between our ears and our noses and our eyes. Right? We're all pretty much the same in terms of our physical being. Adultery, in essence, is basically saying, "I can replace the physical part of this person with a physical part of that person." That's all it is. But if a person were really to look deeply and say, you know, "This person is so unique. There will never be another man like this man in the world. There will never be another woman like this woman ever. That this person was born at a certain time at a certain place at a certain day because of the specialness of this person. As the Gamorah says, just as our faces are different, the internal makeup of who we are is totally different. If a person were to look at one's spouse and say, "There will never be a person like this ever again." Then it means that person is totally irreplaceable. You can't replace that person. And therefore, adultery makes absolutely no sense. Adultery means that all you're focusing on is the external aspect of that person. You want to see something external. Oh, okay. So, you're tired of that externality? I guess I'll try that externality over there. You know, I'm really bored with these ears. I'll try those ears. Yeah. That's all it really is. But if one were to look at the essence of the person and realize that there's something very deep about you. You're irreplaceable. How could you replace somebody else? You want to hang out with something external? That's not who the person is. The person is something much deeper than the ears. There's something very real that's in the sham of the soul. So, what's it saying? Idolatry is the same thing. God is saying, "Don't believe in false gods." Like, don't replace me for something external like an idol. Get to know the real me. Go inside and get to know me. Don't find some false substitute. God's saying, "If you're really going to get to know me, you're going to find I'm irreplaceable." But you got to get to really know me. You know, let me ask you a question. Why do you think people don't always like to look really deeply into somebody else? Why do you think sometimes people are comfortable just by seeing something very physical in the other? You know what I think it is? I'm going to suggest something and it's a little bit of a mature concept. But on some level, people are really afraid of intimacy. Are afraid of intimacy. People don't want to be intimate. I don't just mean physical intimacy. I mean emotional intimacy. That if a person's going to really let the other person in. You know what a could feel like I'm letting go of myself. You know, at the first time, you know, you know, you maybe had this experience you're all dating, right? Hopefully I know some of you are dating. Whoever's dating should be dating and whoever shouldn't be dating shouldn't be dating cuz they don't Whatever you're holding. But, the process is always going to be the same. It's going to be the point where you finally go out with somebody and this is the person that you you feel something special with. And you might look into the other's eyes and it's almost thrilling. It's really thrilling. You feel a connection like you've never felt before. And you know what happens afterwards? It's very terrifying. It's very scary. Why is it scary? It's scary because the more you let that person enter your inner world, the more you feel like you're losing a little bit of who you are. And you kind of you know, you kind of stop a person People will stop. See, look, let's not get so, you know, let's hold hands or something like that, you know, let's relate physically because I'm too scared to go any deep emotionally deeper emotionally. You know, it's interesting. It's true in a relationship with God as well. The idea of worshiping an idol idols the same concept. God, it's too scary to have to get to know you passionately because I realize, wow, I'm really indebted to you and like you're everything. So, let me just relate to something physical about you like an idol. And then relate to some golden calf or some expression of you like some you know? But, intimacy is scary. So, what the Torah is telling us is saying us a very important principle. It's telling to us that in order for relationships to function and be really good, there could be no idolatry and there could be no adultery. It almost sounds the same in English, doesn't it? But, what's the operating principle? The operating principle is don't mix something in that doesn't belong there. Because if you recognize how important and how unique the other is, that person is or that God or God is irreplaceable. Notice and appreciate how unique the other is, the uniqueness of the other. The other exists outside of you and focus on the uniqueness. And if you focus on the uniqueness, you'll realize, "Wait a minute. How can I replace them? They're irreplaceable." Idolatry means that I'm focusing on something external about God. Therefore, I can have an idol. Adultery means I'm focusing on something external about one's wife or one's husband, and therefore I can replace it by somebody else. Focus on the uniqueness. If you see uniqueness, you realize that the other is irreplaceable. There can no be no other gods before me, and there can be no other wife or husband before me. Focus on uniqueness. So, number one means recognize existence of other outside of you. The relationship isn't there to serve you. It's to appreciate the other exists. Number two is recognize the uniqueness of the other. What's the third principle? Well, let's see. Commandment number three says, "Don't take God's name in vain," which means don't swear that a chair is a refrigerator. And commandment number seven says, "Don't kidnap." Lo signov. Don't kidnap. What's the connection between the two? Don't take its true identity away. Well, let's see. I have a question. I'm from Israel. Okay. Aseret Hadibrot, it's Anochi Adonai. 1 2 3 4 5. I look at this. Why do you make it like the one is is like six, two is seven? What do I never So, I'm explaining a Midrash as well that says No connection. Yes, so I'm explaining a Midrash that says that they fold in on each other. That they're supposed that they face each other and they fold in each other. They really one corresponds that they face each other like this in the Midrash. Therefore, one corresponds to six, two corresponds to seven, three to eight, four to nine, five to 10. And therefore, there's an underlying principle of 1 6 2 7 3 8 4 9 5 10. That's what the Midrash teaches us. It's a concept. But it looks like there's No, true. That's the way we write it like that, true. But the Midrash says that they face each other also, and therefore there's a connection like that, a parallel connection. So, that's what I'm trying to explain. So, therefore, I'm trying to explain there's a connection between not taking God's name in vain and not kidnapping. Now, I think it's like this. Basically, I think the underlying principle of both is respect the boundaries and the property of the other. Now, what does that mean? Well, let's see. In the world of man and man, it means to respect the others property. What is our most valued property that we have? I guess it's ourself. Our child. Don't steal it. You can steal a person's house, their car. Right? You can steal a person's money or you can steal a person's child or you can steal you. Someone can steal you. It's really an expression of saying that for relationship to flourish, respect that which belongs to the other. Respect their property. Respect their boundaries. In the world of man and God, well, what's God's possession? If you could say God has something which is his, what might it be? Well, it might be his name. Don't trash his name. Don't take that name and bring it in the mud. Don't take God's holy name and use it to do something totally nonsensically with it, like swear a chair is anything but a chair. Don't trash his name. Respect the property, which means respect that which belongs to the other. Now, if the person is somebody separate from you, one will respect that. But one has to view it like that. You know, often times with children, people might, you know, think like, you know, I let me borrow, you know, I need a little money, so let me go to my kids' wallet, and let me borrow a few dollars from my kid, you know? You know, so you know why a person thinks like that? Well, look, it's really my money anyway, you know, so you know, I gave it to them, so I'll use it when I need it. It might be true in principle, but you know, it's not going to do much for the relationship. Cuz the relationship has to be that the child feels, well, you respect my property, you respect who I am as a person. You respect my borders, my boundaries. You're not going to trample and invade on things that are mine. Sometimes we think in relationships in husbands and wives, you know, now we're so intimate and we're so close, we're so loving, you know, mine is yours and yours is mine, and it doesn't work that way. To really respect another human being and have a relationship that flourishes, one has to be very, very certain and very careful about the boundaries of the other. This is yours, I'm not going to touch it. You asked me not to touch it, you asked me not to use it. You can respect the other's property. There are boundaries. God created a real world of physicality, and you have to respect that which belongs to the other. So, for relationships to really go forth in man and man, respect the boundaries of the other. Respect their property. Respect their possessions. Respect that's which is which is theirs. In the world of man and God, respect God's name. Don't use God's name in vain. Have a certain respect for what is God's possession as it were, maybe his name, and don't use it falsely, don't swear falsely. Realize that God there's also a boundary in relationship with God. That God, you're right, is all present and so involved, but have respect for him. Have respect for that which is his. Be careful. Yeah, Rabbi? Are we actually allowed to swear? No. Under very few situations. I mean, there could be a certain time to swear an oath. There could be certain times when a person was hesitant, when a person might use God's name to prove something in a bait din. Something like that, or one make might make a certain shvu'ah in a certain situations. But for the most part, we avoid it. Because an oath can be very damaging. You know, an oath if we don't fulfill an oath, it can be very bad for us spiritually cuz it's very obligatory. It really obligates. It's very scary. What was what you say like instead of like promise somebody believe in them? What you put that there you know most of people be like yo I swear like my mother or I swear to God like you know I did that and that you know. You shouldn't say that. One shouldn't We should not use the word I swear in conversation. Cuz it's a very binding type statement and really obligatory. It it's it's you know if we don't fulfill what we say it can be um it's not good for us spiritually. You know, it's like when someone takes a vow. When one takes a vow, you know, God says when one time when you take a vow, you know, why do people take vows? For example, a person says, you know, I'm I'm good a person says they make a vow that they're going to give $100 to charity. They make a vow they're going to give money to something and then they don't do it. So you know what God does? I'll tell you what God does. This is very scary. What God does it says is that God opens up our ledger in heaven. There's a notebook in heaven that on it is written our merits and our deficits. The good things we've done and the bad things. God is a wonderful parent and as a wonderful parent most of the time God avoids and doesn't look at what we do. Right? That's the trick to parenting. You know, I'll I'll tell you if I'm going to give you the trick to parenting in one in one easy lesson, it's keep your eyes closed. Don't look. You don't have to see everything. Let children fix their mistakes by themselves. Yeah, let them they'll do it. God's a wonderful parent. He gives us a chance to fix our mistakes. We're not We're not perfect. Human beings aren't perfect. None of us. You know, right? But what God does is God said let me give you time to correct who you are. I'm not going to step in. However, there's a certain time that God has to step in. So the Talmud tells us that if a person makes a vow, makes an oath, you know, they swear I'm going to do something and then they don't do it. You know what happens? God says, well, let me see. You took a vow to do something. Why did you think that you're going to be around here tomorrow to fulfill it? You didn't fulfill it yet. It must be that you think that you're going to be around next week or the week after. But you see that people in the world die. So it must mean that you feel that you have special merits that you can live on." So God says, "Oh, you want to rely on your merits? Let me take a look at the merit sheet. Let me see what you have." Once that little notebook is opened up there, God sees our merits, but he also sees our chovos. He also sees our deficits. And when he sees our deficits, things could happen that we don't want to happen. So it's a very scary thing to just take oaths, to swear, to make vows. This we say "bli neder" all the time without making a vow, without making an oath. Okay, very, very important. Even every Rosh Hashanah we undo any oath we might have made because God opens the ledger. He says, "Let me take a look." We don't want him to take a look. God loves us. He wants us not to have to look too deeply at our ledger page unless we draw attention to it by saying to him, "I want to rely on merit." Okay? You have Daniel Quickster and Brian. What do you want to say? Say you make a vow when you have three other people keeping you three instances. Like say you vow like I'll never yell at my mother again and she drives you crazy every day. Right, don't make a vow like that. No, but say you did. You thought you could handle it. And then like is there a way to get like a vow annulled or something? Yeah, you can. You need three rabbis? You need three rabbis. L O R Right, you could do it. But don't make vows. Don't don't do it. Dangerous thing to do. Yeah. Go ahead. Is saying that you're not going to swear in the name of God when you just swear knowing that you just said swear in the name of God without trusting you? Well, that's not what I mean. Just to to swear? Yeah, just to swear. Is that Is that Is that Well, it could be. It's like maybe taking a vow or neder or maybe taking an oath and you know, and make Like taking a vow would be taking like a neder or something? It's like a neder on some level. We shouldn't use it cuz I'm saying it's dangerous for us. That's the reason why. It's the same concept. In other words, this is what I'm trying to explain. It doesn't really direct this nice discussion, but it's good to know that God wants to most of the time not look at the negative things that we do. He loves us too much. He wants to let us fix ourselves up alone, by ourselves. However, if we say to God, "Look, I you know, I make a person makes a neder, I'm definitely going to give my $100." Then the person doesn't do it. So, God said, "Why didn't you do it? Well, you're an intelligent person. You must feel you're you're thinking you're going to be around next week to do it." But look, you know that the natural way of the world is people die. So, why do you think you're going to be around next week? Oh, it must be that you feel that you have mitzvahs. That you have skhuyot. That you have merit. So, God says, "You want to play the merit game? Let me open up the merit book." So, he might open up the merit book to see all the good things we've done. But at the same time, when that book is open, the other book is open. And it could be that they cancel each other out, or you know, we use merits up, or that unfortunately, there might be a uh you know, something that God notices that he takes action for it. Yeah. What if you're not sure and you say you know, you're going to pay $100 tomorrow or whatever, and you say, "God willing." Yes, that's what we say. That's what we say, "Bli neder." That's what we say without taking an oath, right? That helps us, yeah. That's what we said. Bli neder without taking a vow, without I'm making a vow. I'll do my best without taking a vow. Bli neder, it's not just a ritualistic statement or some sort of superstitious statement. It's a statement of a sensitive human being who realizes that, "Wait a minute. I don't I know that life is very, very frail. I know that I'm People do die. I don't know if I'm going to be here. And therefore, I don't want to have to rely on my merit." So, that's why we mostly make such a statement. But what if something happened and it's true? You said you swear that that statement. So, that's not really an oath. That's like swearing a chair is a chair. Well, there's only you only you will only swear like that when you have to swear like that. But again, we don't want to do it. We don't want to make an oath about something, you know, it's it's it's not it's not a good thing to do. Say it. If the person doesn't believe you, they don't believe you. You know, uh but I still we shouldn't make an oath. But the point I want to make is again, what do we see from that? We see you have to respect God's name. You have to respect a person's body. You have to respect boundaries. There has to be respect for the property of the other. And that's the third principle. Third principle is respect the other's possessions. Respect the property. Respect the boundary. Have respect for what is theirs. It's not all yours. There are things that people have that are theirs and be careful with it. You know, in the Yeshiva world the first piece of Talmud you teach little boys little boys at fifth grade, they start learning the holy Talmud, you sit down with them and you start teaching them. You know what's the first thing that you teach them? First thing you teach them is a famous Gamara which is which means that two people find a tallis on the street and they both pick it up at the same time. What do you do with it? Whose is it? So, there are different things. Do we split it? Do we cut it in half? Do we put it away in, you know, till Eliyahu Hanavi comes? I don't know. Do we fight over it? There are different opinions who gets this little tallis over here. And the question is why is it the first piece of Talmud Gamara that we teach little boys? You know what it is? What the reason is? You know, maybe we should teach them the laws of Shabbos. We teach them the laws of brachot. Why these laws about whose possession, whose property? First thing you have to teach children is there's something called mine and yours. There are boundaries. Whose is it? We live in a world where there has to be relationship building and relationship building depends on realizing what is mine and what is yours. And when those boundaries are blurred there's war. There's disharmony. There's all sorts of fighting. First thing, what's mine and what's yours? Whose is it? Things belong to me and belong to you that were given me from God or given to you from God. Who gets it? Whose is it? Okay, respect the others' boundaries and properties. Let's take the next one. Number four. This is interesting. Commandment number four is keep Shabbos. Commandment number five is don't bear false witness in a court of law. Someone brings you into a Jewish court and asks you to be a witness, tell the truth. Don't swear falsely. What's the connection between Shabbos and not swearing falsely? What's the connection? What's the connection? Got it. Number four, Zochor es Shabbat Lehavdalah, number nine, Leshana. What's the connection over there? Shabbat and Cuz by keeping Shabbat, you are like a witness to God creating the world. Beautiful. Shabbat, what's Shabbat all about? You know, what do we do when we keep Shabbat? When we keep Shabbat, we're actually testifying. Shabbat is a day of testimony. We're testifying that God is the creator of the universe. And not only did he create the universe, he's actively involved in his creation, demonstrated by the fact that he took us out of Egypt. Now, where do we see this? We see this, of course, when we make the Kiddush. Friday night, what do we say? We make a blessing over a glass of wine. We take nice red wine. It's supposed to be wine that's not Mevushal, that's not cooked. Wine that's your best wine, if you have it. Don't use grape juice. I use grape juice a lot, but if you don't, don't use grape juice. It's better not to. Take that beautiful red wine. Why red wine? Not white wine? Why red wine? And don't tell me blood. People say blood, blood. I say that's the wrong religion. That's not That's That's not Judaism. You know why red? Because red draws the senses. Red attracts. Red gets you salivating. Like Pavlov's dog. And you look at that red wine and you start thinking, "Ooh, I can't wait to taste this." And you look at it and you're totally focused in. And what are you focused in on? You're focused in on the declaration that you're making. God, you are the creator of the universe. In six days you created, on the seventh day you rested. Therefore, I am going to cease creative activity on this day as testimony that you are the creator. And not only are you the creator, but you took us out of the land of Egypt. You didn't just wind up the world and set it in motion. You're actively involved in your creation at every moment you're breathing life into the world. That's what we Orthodox Jews believe. That God didn't just wind it up and step back. God is constantly involved in every microsecond and every aspect of micro-management of our lives. God's intimately involved. And that's the declaration of truth that we're making. Therefore, Shabbos is a declaration of testimony of truth. And that's why we stand up when we say Kiddush, we stand up. Why? Because a witness stands up in a Jewish bait din. If you're giving testimony in court, you stand. God, we're testifying about the truth of you. You're the creator of this world and you're involved in the creation. Truth. And what does it mean on commandment number nine? Commandment number nine says, "Don't bear false witness against somebody else." What does that mean? It means tell the truth. Look for truth. Look for what's true about the other. Look for what's true about God. And look for what's true about somebody else. So, I think the connection is that if a relationship is going to really be good with God, is look for what's true about God. You know, the more we could focus on the truth of what God is, the more we love God. You know, and we could deal with the minor inconveniences of life. You know, you know, we all go through certain stages in our life where things are difficult. Nobody is free or immune from pain in life. That's part of life. And God created it. But when things are painful in life, if we're going to be truthful about God, we say, "Wait a minute, God. You know, I admit right now I'm going through something difficult. But wait a minute, at the same time, you keep my digestive tract functioning. You keep my heart pumping. You keep my lungs working. I seem to have three meals to eat every day. I seem to have clothing to wear. I get boxed Thursday night. You know, if we're going to focus on what God does for us, I planted them over here as I planted them over here. If if we're going to focus on what God does for us and be truthful about it, if you think about it, life is a different life. It's a different world. Do you hear what I'm saying? Truthful. If we're going to really have a relationship with God, it means be true. Be real. Focus on everything God does. And therefore, when things are difficult in life, extrapolate back and say, "Wait a minute, but you've done so much good for me. Maybe there's good in this also." 99% of the time, things go well. And even when things don't go well, there's so much going well that maybe I should ignore that I shouldn't necessarily criticize God. Be truthful in your relationship with God. So too, it means in your relationship with human beings. Look for truth. You know, often times we have a relationship with somebody, a husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, and we get really upset with them. They do something that bothers us. You know, but if we're going to focus from the point of truth, we'll say, "Wait a minute, but look look what this person has done for me. You know, this person has cared for me, taken care of me, always gives to me." Or then I look at this person, this person has such nice qualities, such kind qualities, such good qualities. So, this person did one little thing now. It doesn't negate them as a human being. I've seen too much evidence of how good they are to take this one thing and negate it. Do you know how it works? For relationships to function properly, one has to be truthful about what they say. Shabbos teaches us to declare the truth about God, not fearing Swearing falsely in a court of law teaches us to tell the truth when in relationship with other human beings. Tell the truth. Look for truth. And if you look for truth about what God does for you, wow, I can deal with the difficult moments. If I look for truth in my wife my wife does for me constantly, I can deal with the moments where, you know, maybe I'm upset about something or maybe she's upset with me about something. Because she looks for the truth of wait a minute, the qualities that I have are what she likes about me or what you know, the general ways we try to be good to each other. Do you hear how it works? Look for what is true. Keep your eyes open to see reality truthfully. See it with God. See it with another human being. Point number six. Point number five. What's commandment number five? Honor your parents. Commandment number 10? Don't covet. Don't be jealous. Don't desire what someone else has. What's the connection between honoring your parents and not desiring what someone else has? What's the connection? It's a hard one, I think. What's the connection? And you just review them, you just supposed to also like not do anything that go against like you know, the goodness that you should have with people, too. Okay. Other suggestions? Goes yet? What's that? That's That's interesting. That's very interesting. You know, in fact, we're it we're told in the Zohar that it says that before child is born, a child asks for these parents. Then the shamah, the soul before it comes in this world, actually asks actually asks that it wants these parents to be the parents. That's very interesting. You're right. It's very It's something very fascinating about that. Yeah. Other suggestions? Got it. As we Oh, great. Good boy. But then again, I think it's a similar concept, right? You want to appreciate parents, like don't don't look around. Yeah? Don't desire their car. Uh-huh. Somebody have a nice car? Right. Don't desire it. Interesting. Yeah. Another suggestion? I don't know. What's your name? Betty. Betty just something said something brilliant. No. I say it's brilliant because what I'm going to say is the same thing I'm going to say. So maybe that's why I'm going to say it's brilliant. You know, the big I, you know. That's what I'm going to say it is. But I do think that we're thinking along the same lines. Let me explain what I mean. Why would a person covet? Why does one covet? Why would does one desire what someone else has? Insecure with himself. Yeah. Where does it come from? It really comes from the fact that I really don't feel that I'm important, that I'm special. If a person really were to focus and say like I I have something really important to contribute to this world, that I have a mission that nobody else can accomplish, that I can be a father to my children like no one else can be a father to their children or these children. I can be a brother to my brother like no one else can be a brother to my brother. If a person really focuses on their value and that their mission in life is totally separate than everybody else's mission. And the Gamorah says "Ain't no no geah, the mokum kimlo kimlo nim." You can't touch even a hair's breadth of what belongs to somebody else. That we're operating in our own laboratory in life. We feel sometimes that, you know, someone else succeeds and like it takes away from me. It's not the way the world works. God created every human being individually, one at a time, with a face that's unique and special to teach us a very important principle. That we are totally unique and special with separate missions in life. Our missions have nothing to do with anybody else. If a person is covetous, desires, and is jealous of what someone else has, it really comes from the point of not appreciating that I have something special to contribute. Do you know where that works? That's where it all emanates from. Now, it works in the same way with parents, you know? Why would a person not respect their parents? Well, let's see. If a person doesn't really feel that they're somebody special, they won't give importance to the people who brought them to the planet. The degree to which a person says, "I am somebody of value and importance." is the degree to which one will give honor to one's parents. And that's why it says, one doesn't have to like one's parents. One has to like oneself. And if one likes oneself, one will want to give honor to the physical beings that brought oneself into this world. So, what's the connection? What do we say? Honoring one's parents, not coveting. It's really the same concept. For relationships to work in the human realm, well, let's see. One has to realize that one is important. That I'm not a nobody. You know, oftentimes people get into relationships because they want the other to complete them. That's wrong. Now, it doesn't mean there aren't complementary issues that do go on in relationships. There's a degree of completion, 100%. But one has to realize that one is coming to the relationship from a position of strength. That they are of value. That I have value. Now, why is that so important? It's so important on so many levels because if one realizes that they are of value, they will appreciate the value of the other. If one realizes that they are somebody significant, therefore, the same respect and that one and honor one demands for oneself, one will give to somebody else. It's not about a guy with a trip or an ego trip. It's about realizing that I have value. If I have value, you have value. The degree to which I can see the value in myself is the degree to which I can see the value in you. And if one can see the value of the other, one will treat the other with respect and dignity and honor. But it emanates the core of realizing that I am somebody significant. And therefore jealousy, desiring, coveting, that's the antithesis, that's the opposite of such a thought pattern. That means I really don't think that I have something special to offer there's some jealousy with you have. No, I was born on the planet on a certain time, a certain date, a certain location from these parents because I have a special mission in this world. I have a mission, I am important. That's how one has to go into relationship with another human being. And therefore I am deserving of honor and I'm going to give you the same honor that I feel that I'm deserving of. That's the same relationship with God if you think about it. You know, by God or one's parents, one has to honor one's parents because one honors oneself. I honor my parents because I appreciate these are the people that brought me here. Not because I am the capital I, but I do matter. I do matter. I am significant. So therefore one doesn't necessarily have to like one's parents, but one has to honor them. Cuz I honor them because they brought me here. And I have a I am of value. Now of course obviously with parents the degree to which we can focus on on the good they do for us, you know, and the degree which you can focus on how much they give us and how much they worry about us and how much they care for us and how much they invest in us and even the things we don't know that they did they did. And when you are a parent you'll appreciate how much your parents did for you. You know, obviously that should engender and build tremendous amount of gratitude and love. But even in the harshest situation where a parent can be abusive or do something like throw your money into the water or spit in your face in front of your whole court of students, you have to respect the honor of them because you are of importance and they brought you to this world. Do you hear how it works? So perhaps the fifth point, which might even be the most important point, is for relationships to flourish properly there has to be an appreciation of the value of me, the value of self. And that's so important Because I can't value myself, I'm not going to properly value you. I think we see the greatest proof for this in the Torah is by the case of Balaam. We know the story that there was a prophet in the Torah named Balaam and he had a donkey. And this donkey was sent to try to stop Balaam from cursing the Jewish people. So, God performed a miracle. What was the miracle? The miracle was the donkey started talking and started to say to Balaam, "Look, don't do it. Go back. Don't don't curse the Jewish people." Balaam ignored the donkey and he kept going forward. A talking donkey. What happened to the donkey at the end of the story? Besides you. What happened to the donkey at the end of the story? Well, God sent an angel to kill it. They killed the donkey. Society SPEW would be very upset. Is SPEW the right name for the society? What's the Society for the Protection of Animal Rights? PETA. Right. No, SPEW is in Harry Potter. That's right. That's right. The Society for the Protection of Animal Rights would be very upset that the donkey was killed. The donkey was killed. Now, if you asked me, I would have said, "Keep that donkey alive. Parade that donkey around Forest Hills and show people, 'Look, talking donkey. If you try to betray God, you try to go against God's will, look, God will make a donkey speak up and stop you. Even a donkey has more seichel than a person trying to betray God.'" But what does God do? God says, "No." He has an angel come down with a sword and kill that donkey. And Rabbi Akiva tells us why. Rabbi Akiva tells us that the Kadosh Baruch Hu has mercy for the honor of his creation. Meaning what? If people are going to look at this evil guy named Balaam and say that there was a donkey, the lowest type creature, a physical creature, that could be greater on some level than a human being, you know that would do? It would destroy the way we see ourselves. If we could see one human being as being lower than a donkey, it means we're not going to see ourselves properly. If we're going to have proper respect, we have to realize that every human being is created in the image of God, and every human being therefore is worthy of respect, and therefore this donkey has to die. We can't look at a human being as being lower than a donkey, even the lowest human being. Cuz it would destroy the respect in all of us. Therefore, it means if we're to look at another human being and not see them properly, we're not seeing ourselves properly. And it works the other way as well. In order to see another human being as being worthy of respect, you have to see that you're worthy of respect. You have to realize that you're important, you're significant. And perhaps this command that's that's principle number five. And therefore we have to get in touch with that in ourselves. We have to appreciate really how valuable we are. You have to appreciate about yourselves. You have to discover what's valuable about yourselves. You have to see it in yourselves. If you can't see it in yourselves, you speak to me and I'll tell you what's valuable about you. I will. Sometimes we can't always see it, but we have to know it, we have to discover it. And for relationships to flourish, you have to discover it. You got to go into marriage or any relationship from the point of view that I know my value. Cuz it's the only way you're going to value the other. Yeah. No, you answered the question. What was the question? Good, is it? We got to say it though, we answered it. Okay, let's review. Quick review. And then we'll finish the bus. Quick review. Is What did we say? We said that the 10 Commandments are very specific because these 10 Commandments are really the how-to to accomplish the principle of Torah. Whole principle of life is the after the Homoco, loving another being. Getting outside of yourself, being selfless, not being selfish, being other-centered. That's what it means to have a relationship with God. That's what it means to have a relationship with people. If that's the goal of life, then the 10 Commandments have to be the means to achieve it. And then we ask the question we said, "Wait a minute, five and five?" Well, there are five that have to do between man and his creators, five have to do between man and man. And then we said the Medrish that said, "Wait a minute, we the Medrish says they really face each other." So, there's a corresponding relationship between one and six, two and seven, three and eight, four and nine, five and 10, which means they're really five operating principles. And what are the five operating principles? Let's review. Number one is in order for relationships to flourish, recognize the other exists outside of you. They are not you. They are outside of you and when you love them, you're not just loving yourself, you're loving them for who and what they are. We're not loving God cuz he's the great candy man in the sky. We're loving God because of his beautiful, wonderful midos, his attributes, his chesed, his kindness, his mercy. All those wonderful things that he does for us constantly. We're loving him for who God is. We're loving our spouse, our wife or husband, not they make us feel good or give us pleasure, but because we recognize the greatness of the other outside of ourselves. Number two, we wanted to say principle number two, no idols, no adultery. Underlying principle was, see the uniqueness of the other. If you see the uniqueness of the other, no physical part of anybody else will substitute for that person. It doesn't make sense. You can't have a physical representative God because of God's uniqueness, how special he is, and you can't have somebody else's ears to replace this person's ears if you really see the uniqueness of the soul and the shama of the other. Number three, we said, "Don't take God's name in vain, don't kidnap." Respect the property and boundaries of the others, respect property. Number four, keep Shabbos, don't bear false witness. Truth. Look for truth in life. Look for truth about God, you'll love God. You'll be able to deal with difficult situations in your life. You want things to go well, you'll discover, "Wait a minute, God, like you do so much for me. Maybe I could deal with this little inconvenience or maybe this inconvenience is really good. With one's wife, one's husband, wait a minute, you know, you do so much good for me, maybe I could see this little flaw that you're doing today as something separate from who you really are. Look for truth. And finally number five, we said see the uniqueness in yourself. You can honor your parents why? Because you really realize how special you are. And therefore they brought you to this planet. You can truly not be jealous of what someone else has because you appreciate that you have a special mission in life. One has to appreciate the value of oneself. In summary, existence, uniqueness, boundaries, truth, self-respect. Existence, uniqueness, boundaries, truth, self-respect, bashed. Okay. Thank you everybody for listening. I'll take a few questions if you have any.