Rabbi Mordechai Kraft - How to Control the Anger Within Us

Something very practical. Tonight's class is going to be a class on basically how to control the anger within us. So, I know this class isn't relevant to anybody here because none of you suffer from anger issues or get angry. But, I'm sure everybody has a friend, you know, or a wife or husband or someone they're dating who gets angry, you know, or brother or sister. So, the more we know, the more we'll be able to help somebody else. But, the reality is anger is one of the emotions that do possess the human being. And it has a lot to do with who we are, which we're going to discuss tonight. The fact that we're created but seldom on the key of the image of God means there's something about you and I that's very special. And somehow when that's trampled upon and we're made to feel this big, we react. So, we have to understand really what anger does, what causes the reaction, and how we could stop it, prevent it. Because the reality is the more we understand that Hashem runs the world, the more we understand that everything that happens in this world is designed for us and is designed for a positive purpose. It's not always easy to see that, but that's really what our Judaism, our Torah, teaches us. In fact, the word for anger, you know, what's the word for anger? Who knows? Ka'as. Ka'as. So, everyone knows that the lashon hakodesh, the Hebrew language, always speaks out the intrinsic meaning of a concept. So, the word ka'as in Hebrew is interesting because if you change the letters around, kaf, ayin, sameach, you put the ayin first. Ayin in Hebrew means the eye. The eye always is something that you look, you use the eye to to see, to understand. And the two-letter root cos, kof sameach, like kisui and the kaseh, means to cover up. So, what's anger? Anger is basically when you cover up your eyes. What does it mean to cover up your eyes? You stop thinking. You stop thinking that, "Wait, but there's a reason for this. Maybe there's a purpose for this. Maybe this is from Hashem. Maybe Hashem brought this to me in order to to help me in some way." You cover your eyes. That's what another word means in Hebrew. I am cos, you're not thinking. You stop thinking. Of course, it's difficult to think in those situations. So, one has to prepare for it beforehand. Have to be ready to understand what's going to cause it and what's going to trigger it. And be able to respond appropriately at the right time. But, that's what it means. You stop thinking. You've turned off the switch. You covered your eyes. That's really what cos is all about. Then, why do we want to work on it? You know, the goal of life is to pass tests. If we could describe life in in in three words, it's to pass tests. It's not to make money. Sorry to disappoint everybody. It's not to live in fancy houses. It's not to succeed materially. It's to pass tests in every situation. That means in every interaction in which we're in, there's a test. How are we going to respond? And the more we understand that Hashem is watching how we're going to respond, the more we'll be ready for the test. You know, if you get up in the morning and you know, every morning you're late for work, and you jump out of bed, you know, and you put your shirt on backwards, and you run to the kitchen and you spill your tea, and then you go out the door and you shut the door on your fingers, and this happens every morning, you start screaming at your spouse, or your wife, screaming at your kids, kick the dog, you run out. You know? It happened to me this morning. No, if No, a dog, unfortunately, but you know, if a person were to go to bed the night before and say, "Wait a minute. God has sent me a letter." And the letter says, "I'm watching you. I know the morning is difficult for you. I know you get up late. You're going to rush to get on your shirt and your clothes and get dressed. You're going to rush to eat your breakfast. You're going to rush to the car. But in this letter it says, "I'm watching to see how you respond. Are you going to get angry or not?" If we know there's such a letter, wouldn't we control ourselves differently? Absolutely. The answer is we have that letter, don't we? The letter was the Torah. It is the Torah. It's what God gave to our great grandparents at the mountain of Sinai, which says God said, "I'm watching to see how you pass and you deal with the test that I give you." So, once we know that, we can approach life differently. Now, it's difficult. That's the challenge. So, the challenge really is, how am I going to respond in every situation? Am I going to respond with a smile? Am I going to respond cheerfully? Am I going to respond with love? Or am I going to let my own frustrations and ego drive me? My own emotions drive me. That's what life is, to to to respond to those tests. So, what I want to do with you tonight is I want to do something very practical. I'm going to take you through a practical piece in the Talmud. And in this piece, we're going to understand exactly what triggers anger, what causes it, and how to respond to it. And our sages were very brilliant. There's nothing in our Torah which our sages did not did not discuss and and delve into. And anger is a big topic for them. Because anger is everything. If you have your anger under control, it means you have a relationship with God. Your relationship with God is under control. Right? Because you realize things are from God. So, why get angry? In In it says to serve It says to get angry, you know, it's like serving an idol. Why? Because when you serve an idol, what are you worshipping? You're worshipping a force not God. When you get angry, what's controlling you? God or that that that emotion inside of you? That emotion inside of you, true? So, rather I said me shook ko'ays either over the waters of It's as if he served a false God. So, for that reason alone it's worth discussing and understanding. But, the reality is if we want happiness in life and if you want to have good relationships, if you want to have a happy marriage, a peaceful home, you have to understand anger. If you do, you're guaranteed for success. If you don't, life is difficult. So, our sages were very aware of that and Baruch Hashem, they gave us the key to unlock it and to understand it. That's what we're going to do right now. So, I'm going to hand out, hope we have enough for everybody, a sheet that I made. You can pass some this way here. I'll take some. Here you go, you can go take one. Pass Pass them down that way. If we don't have enough, maybe we'll we'll share or look on. I got you a few more here. Pass Yeah. Listen. I'm not sure I have enough for everybody. I apologize, but if you can look on or share or listen. What did you come for? I got you a few more here. Yeah. Yeah, so. Cool. Okay, everyone has a watch? Like this. Okay, then. All right, guys. Okay, good. Okay, I apologize. Just ran over. Okay, so let's take a look. This is from a piece in the Talmud tractate Shabbat and it's going to deal with the story of the great sage Hillel. Hillel was the leader of the Jewish people going back about 2,000 years ago. And you know, we know we've heard statements from Hillel. Most of the Talmud is decided and Halakha is decided according to Hillel and Shammai. So Hillel was the Nasi. He was the the prince, so to speak. He was the great sage of Israel. One of the greatest sages we've ever had. And there's a story that takes place with Hillel. Now, I want to teach you something about stories. When the Talmud brings a story, it doesn't bring a story just for its own sake. When our sages, the author of the Talmud, choose to write something in a story form, they want us to understand that story. That's to say, they want us to understand every detail. There's no detail in a story that our sages bring which is extra, superfluous, or for no reason. Every word is critical. So if they choose to tell us something by means of a parable or a story, our job is to say, "Well, why this detail? Why that detail? Why do you have to tell me this? Why do you have to tell me that?" Right? It's not just a folk tale, so to speak, where, you know, one describes something that happened. Our sages are teaching through a story. And every word, like in the Torah Torah, where every word is from God, every word in the Talmud is from God, but our sages are writing with such precision. We have to unlock it by asking questions. So, I'm going to challenge you. I'm going to read it to you, this story of Hillel. And your job, as I read it, is to think of everything that bothers you in the story. Now, what do you mean by bother? What could bother you or me is, you know, well, you know, doesn't What did he tell me this? Or why this event? Or why say it this way? Or or you know, isn't that a silly detail? Things like this, things that stand out like a sore thumb. Our sages did it for a reason. And the more we ask the question as to why they wrote it, the more we're going to understand the depth that our sages are teaching us. And I want to tell you a secret. And this little piece here, which on this page takes up a side, and the Talmud it takes on the right side, it's going to take about 10 lines to do. This piece probably contains all of the clues and all of the secrets to understand anger in the human being. It's all right here. You could write a textbook on the psychology of anger from these 10 lines. That's how deep it goes. But the only way to discover that is through questions. And that's your job. Okay? I'm going to read it. You got to think. Here we go, and then ask. So, it goes like this. The piece begins. It says, "Two men made a a wager with each other. Two men made a bet. Any man who can go and get Hillel angry will receive 400 zuz." 400 in those days was a tremendous amount of money, 400 Zeus. Amar Acham Acham said one of them. Ani Achnei Tano. I will make him angry, you'll see. Oso Ayoma Erv Shabbos Aya. That day happened to be Friday afternoon. V'Hillel Chafaf Es Rosho. And Hillel was in the bathhouse washing his hair. Halach V'Amar Lo Pesah Baiso. This man went up to the opening of Hillel's house. Amar, Mikan Hillel, Mikan Hillel. Who here is called Hillel? Who here is called Hillel? Nisa'atef, Hillel wrapped himself up in his towel. Yotzei L'Kroso, came out to greet him. Amar Lo, he said to him, B'ni, my son, Ma Ata Mevakesh? What do you request? Amar Lei, the man said to him, She'eila Yesh Li Lishol. I have a a question to ask you. Amar Lei, Hillel said back, Sh'al B'ni, Sh'al. Ask my son, ask. The man said, Mipnei Ma Roshei Shel Bavli'im Sagol Sagolgolot? Why are the heads of the Babylonians round? Amar Lei, Hillel said back to him, B'ni, my son, Sh'eila Gedola Sh'alta. That was a great question. Mipnei She'ein Lahem Chayot B'Chachot. Because their midwives aren't careful. Halach, the man went away. Imtim Sha'a Achas U'Chazar, waited an hour. Chazav V'Amar, he came back and he said, Mikan Hillel, Mikan Hillel. Is there somebody called Hillel here? Nisa'atef, Hillel again wrapped himself in a in a towel. V'Yotzei L'Kroso, went out to greet him. Amar Lo, he said, B'ni, Ma Ata Mevakesh? What do you want? Amar Lei, Sh'eila Yesh Li Lishol. He said, I have a question to ask you. Amar Lei, Sh'al B'ni, Sh'al. Ask my son, ask. Mipnei Ma Ein Nam Shel Tamyean Why are the eyes of the terminally ill ones weak? I'm alone. He lost it back to him. But that is a great question. We because they live at the sand dunes. They live amongst sand so their eyes are weak. The man went away. He waited an hour. He said, "Be kind Hillel. Be kind Hillel. Is there somebody here called Hillel?" This Hillel went to greet him. Okay, what do you want? I'm alone. The man said to him, "I have a question to ask you." I'm alone. Hillel said back, "My son, ask." The man said, "Why are the feet of Africans wide?" I'm alone. Hillel said to him, "But hey, wow, what a great question." We don't think because they dwell amongst the mud. So I guess their feet are wide. I'm alone. The man said to him, "I have many questions to ask you." I'm alone. I'm afraid maybe you're going to get angry. This Hillel wrapped himself in a cloak. The son of the father sat down before him. I'm alone. He said to him, "Any question that you want to ask, ask." I'm alone. The man said to him, "Are you Hillel who they call the leader of the Jewish people?" I'm alone. Hillel said back, "Hang. Yes." I'm alone. The man said to him, if who if you are him, low yarbu kamos of Israel, there should be no more like you in Israel. I believe Hillel said back, "Benny, my son, Benny Ma, why?" I believe the man said to him, Benny Sha of that yard that those because through you I just lost 400 those. I believe Hillel said back to him, have you saw come down? Could I fill the other yard of that those of those? It's worthwhile that because of Hillel you should lose 400 those and another 400 those. For Hillel the Yakbit rather than Hillel becomes angry. You heard that story before? You heard Okay, famous famous story. Now let's take it on a path that maybe you haven't heard before. Okay, everybody go ahead. What are your questions? What bothers us? Good. Why is he washing his hair? What is the detail? The question really is why do we need that detail that he's washing his hair? Who cares what he's washing, where he's washing? Excellent excellent question. Nice detail. Good. Other questions? Why is the man asking questions concerning that all don't pertain to Torah like Yeah. Beautiful beautiful ex- excellent question. I have this man is coming. He's speaking to Hillel, the the leader of the Jewish people, one of the greatest sages in Jewish history. And he's asking questions that seem to have absolutely no relevance to anything. Good. Well, why did he choose these questions, right? Excellent excellent excellent question to ask. Good. What's that? Good. Okay. For now let's just just ask the questions. We'll work on the answers there. Now just ask the put the questions out there. Why specifically Friday? Good. Why Friday afternoon? Good good we know it's Erev Shabbos. Why Friday afternoon? Right. That we're probably thinking that one might be obvious but right good detail. Why Friday afternoon? And then he asked who is a man named Hillel? Who is he?" Yeah, yeah, right. What's he doing? He's saying, "Who is called Hillel?" We're talking about the Nassi of Israel. You know, it's like a man going in front of the White House, you know, "Is there someone in here called Obama?" You know. I mean, like you know, what's going on? Hillel is the most well-known sage in the Jewish people then and now. If he's the well as well if he's so well-known now, imagine what he was in his day. He was somebody. And a man comes up here who we call Hillel, we call him who who is called Hillel? Like what's his trick? What's he up to? He asked several times. He he comes back good. How many times does he come back? Three. Three. Why three? Good. I'm not going to ask you about three Think about three times. He doesn't come two times, he doesn't come four times, he comes three times. Yeah. Also, if you really want to annoy somebody, you ask them continuous questions. Like he's taking a break. Yeah, well, good. You know, what's the idea, right? He comes, he goes, he comes, he goes. Good. What's going on over there? Good. I'm not sure. Most of the times when he asked them who here is Hillel, he never actually said I am Hillel. Oh. Until towards the end. Right. Good. You know, he he right, he never right, he he could excellent excellent observation. He when he says, "Who we call Hillel? Who is called Hillel?" He doesn't say, "I am Hillel." He seems to just sort of like, you know, come out and say, "What do you want?" Seems to be unfazed by the fact that this gentleman doesn't even know who he is. So he later that he responds to that when he says, "Are you Hillel?" He says, you know, the sage the greatest sage in Jewish people, he answers, "Yes." Yeah. It's actually in the beginning. Good. Why is 400 important? Good. What's 400 all about? Good. 400 is good good good detail. Good. What else do we have over here? Why do they want to make him angry? Yeah, what's going on in this bet to make the man angry? Right. So it's it's a wage to get Hillel angry. I guess it was a tremendous challenge. But this gets to a good point. Good good question. What are some other details that we see in the story? Yeah. Every time, every single time Hillel answered by after the question, it was always answered, "Great question. Great question." Right, Hillel says, "Great question." What else does he say? Benny, my Benny, my son. He always calls him my son. Good. Very important detail. Good. What else do we have? What was his response? He's calm. He knows how to react calmly. Yeah, it's amazing. I mean, you know, it's it's calmness. Right, question we're going to try to work out tonight is is is what enables him to have that calmness. Wasn't the question that he answered basically geared towards physical injury to the the other person? Right, things that are very right, very superficial. Just things you see with the eye. Why are feet wide and, you know, why are heads round, why are eyes weak. Yeah, they're very, very um superficial questions. Good. He refers to himself as, you know, the third person. It's better Hillel is Oh. through Hillel. Good. Nice observation. Very nice observation. Good observation. Right, the end the end of the story, it's he calls himself as better that you use twice for the result, rather than Hillel become angry. He should say the better than I become angry. Why does he say rather than Hillel become angry? It's a very good observation. Right, very, very good. But you get the idea. So, within these 10 lines of Talmud, we're going to have all we got we have a whole textbook on the psychology of anger. What else do we have? Couple more questions we'll see put together. Well, he could have just told him like, "Why are you asking me simple questions, you know?" And you didn't have to get angry because it's all the time for As we can take care of the other problem, you go to your local rabbi. Why you asking me to come to Beautiful. He's not getting angry. Good. Now, I hear what you're saying, you know. Now, you actually make a very good point. Like, in the story line, you know, we understand that the way the Jewish world works in a sense is that you have different levels and tiers of rabbis. You know, there's some people that you'll ask simple questions to. When you have the really complicated questions, you go to the greatest people. Hillel is the greatest person. You know, these questions you don't go to him. He used to go to you know, whatever the question Even if the questions are serious, wouldn't Hillel have the right to get angry, so to speak, you know? Like this wasting my time. Like this is not appropriate, you know? But he doesn't. Yeah. But I think he's so humble that he he wouldn't have like that arrogance He wouldn't even debate that, you know? He would just I don't know. I get that sense of the whole thing. It's just he's just answering the questions as if they were maybe complicated. Mhm. You know? Right. Good. This is a good This is a good point. There's a humility that Hillel possesses. That's going to be very, very important to understanding how anger works. Okay, let's let's see if we could understand this as I put it together a little bit. I'll just I'll try to take you by through it. So, first of all, these two men make a wager. Whoever can make Hillel angry. Now, I could I don't know why they make this wager. I'm sure there's a depth to that. I don't know why. But they make it over 400 zuz. 400, by the way, you know, if aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, the last letter is tav. Aleph is one, tav is 400. The Hebrew alphabet only goes up to 400. After that, you use zeros and things like that to go to to the hundreds and thousands and the thousands and 10,000s and 100,000s. 400 is the last is the highest number that we have in the Torah. Tav is 400. So, 400 in the language of our sages is always a lot of money. A super amount of money. It's a lot of money at stake over here. Now, this person who was willing to take the challenge for 400 zuz, he was a master psychologist, I'm going to suggest. Because he understood, first of all, let's understand what are the causes of anger, some of the catalysts of anger. Catalyst number one, people get angry when they're uncomfortable, physically uncomfortable. True? Do you find that you are more or less prone to be angry when you're hungry? Or when you've had a good meal? When you're hungry. True? So it says the day was erev Shabbos, Hillel was washing his hair. First you have to understand, in those days when you wash your hair, it's not like we have you go into the shower and wash your hair. You know, Hillel lived in, you know, I think he lived either either in Babylon or in the northern part of Israel because it's a little cold. And you have to probably go to a bathhouse. Doesn't say what time of year it was, but it's getting towards the end of the day. And he's washing his hair. It could be very cold. This man knew, I want to grab him when he's physically uncomfortable. Because when you're physically uncomfortable, it's very easy to get upset. So obviously we should take that to heart. And if we know we're going to be in a situation that might be stressful, make sure you eat something first. I remember when I used to come home from where I learned in the kollel for many years, so I used to come home at we learned at 7:30. So I came home at 8:00 and I was usually pretty hungry. So I remember I would always go downstairs to the candy machine before I came home. I'd buy a bag of pretzels, a bag of potato chips. Shouldn't be starving. You know, you walk in the door and you know you know what's going on and the little kids are you know you know there could be a lot of things going on in the house, you know. It's better not to be hungry. You respond better. I also remember one time when I was in Eretz Yisrael, I learned in Eretz Yisrael for a number of years. So it's brought down in halacha that on Rosh Hashanah you're supposed to fast, you should it's a good idea to fast a half-day to hot sauce to 12:00 or 1:00 depending on the season. Usually 1:00. You know, it's Rosh Hashanah you're going to be judged. It's a good idea to fast the morning and before Rosh Hashanah to try to do repentance and chuva. So, it's brought down it's a good idea. So, when I was in Israel for many years, I would always fast erev Rosh Hashanah till about 1:00. I came back to America to learn in America and I remember the Shiva Hachnasas Kallah. It was erev Rosh Hashanah, morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rosh Hashanah morning like that that night was going to be Rosh Hashanah so it was the the morning still before. And I remember, you know, we dove in the big long slichos and I went into the dining room and there's the whole yeshiva eating breakfast. And all the rabbis are all eating breakfast. And I was really surprised because it says in Shulchan Aruch that it's just a good idea to fast that morning. So, I went to one of the rosh yeshivas one of the rabbis there. I said to him like, "What's going on? I thought everybody's supposed to be we're supposed to fast." So, he said to me he said to me, "Let me ask you a question. When you fast do you find that you are you act better or worse?" He said to me, "When you fast, do you find that it's easier to control your anger or harder to control your anger?" I said "Hard to control my anger." He said "Get a bowl of cereal." You know, I said, "But why? It says in Shulchan Aruch, you know." He said "The rosh yeshiva the hanacha felt that in fasts that are not mandated. Obviously, Yom Kippur's mandated, Tisha B'Av's mandated, you know, shas betavot didn't fast that are just sort of optional fasts like that. The erev Rosh Hashanah is an optional fast. He felt optional fast we should not fast. Why? Because it hurts our personality traits. It's too easy to get angry and upset." So, I sat down and I had breakfast. So, till this day I don't fast erev Rosh Hashanah. I I I eat normally. So, this man was very wise. Let's grab him when he's physically uncomfortable. Arab Shabbat. Now, Arab Shabbat is also a day, I don't know about you, it's the most pressured day of the week. Right? There's a clock ticking the whole day. You know, it's easy now, but then you know, now in the summertime, like I'm this week Shabbat is going to set about 8:10. 8:10 is like something like that, right? 8:08, 8:10. But the wintertime, you know, we have to be the candle lighting could be at 4:10. Right? And you have to get it, you have to get back from where we are, from work, whatever we're doing, and get in the shower, right? And get everything ready, and and and and, you know, it's a very pressured day. So, this man understood something else. We're prone to anger when? When we're under pressure. So, not only did he grab him when he was physically uncomfortable, when he's washing his hair, he also grabbed him when? When he knew that Hillel would be under a lot of pressure. Okay. So, smart, smart opening move. Then he comes out and he says, "Who here is called Hillel?" Who here is called Hillel? Now, this is really, if you can imagine a sword fight, this is the saber thrust. This is a, you know, coming when he's washing his hair under pressure. Okay, that's sort of the warm-up. That's like a little, you know, little punch here, little punch there. Now, he's going to go in for the kill. Who here is called Hillel? Who is called Hillel? Hashem created us in a way where we have an intrinsic greatness. The greatness is called the neshama. And the greatness that we have is a portion of God that exists inside of us. However, what we're supposed to do with that greatness is to realize that it's a gift. It's a gift from God to us and anything that we achieve it's only because God invested so much in us. That's to say that humility really means not that I don't appreciate that I have a greatness. Humility means that I recognize exactly who I am but I realize that God gave me so much. How should we say this? If you're Michael Jordan you're a great basketball player. And someone comes up to Michael Jordan and says to him, "Are you a good basketball player?" What's he supposed to say? Here's what he's supposed to say, "Of course. I'm I might even be the greatest basketball player ever played in the NBA. However who gave me this talent? God gave me the body. God gave me the mind that's able to have this type of intense reflexes. God gave me a certain degree of drive. And if God had given you the talents he gave me, you might have even been greater cuz you might have worked harder than I did. So therefore I can appreciate who I am and what I am but I don't have to feel that I created it about myself. That's humility. Humility is to know exactly who you are. Humility is honesty. It really means honesty. I'm honest and I know exactly who and what I am, what my talents are but I'm honest enough to know that I did very little to achieve them. Very little. The mind was there. Baruch Hashem, yeah. The body was there. The situations in life present themselves. If we achieved, it's okay. Yeah, we we we use a little bit. We did a little work. We did a little work. But 99.9% was already the gift that God gave us. We added a little bit. So So where is the room for arrogance? Humility means that I know who I am. Now there's a danger though, however. The danger is that because we do possess intrinsic greatness, we want to perceive ourselves properly. We want to perceive ourselves as we know we really are. And it hurts greatly therefore when people or somebody will take away from who we are. You know, kids play this game sometimes. It's the most painful game you could possibly play. You know what it is? If they want to be mean, you know what kids can do? The silent treatment. You don't exist. I think girls do this also, little girls, right? Boys aren't so bad about that, you know, but but it's a very vicious thing to do. Cuz the worst thing you could do to somebody is say, "You don't exist." Because I know I exist. And I know there's a greatness inside me. And that's what hurts so much when someone insults me or you. Cuz you're attacking a part of me that I know is very real. You know? And therefore this person to come up and say, "Me, Khan Hill, I've never heard of Hill. I've never heard of you." I've never heard of you. You know, and the truth of the matter is as a person feels they're more worthy of recognition, the more it hurts not to receive that recognition. If you don't feel you're worthy of any recognition, you don't care. But if you feel you are some you are worthy of recognition because of your position, it hurts if no one knows who you are. So this person went right this this man went right to the saber thrust. He went right to the core of what could provoke anger. I don't even know you exist. Oftentimes what anger is is really it's a way for a person to assert back that I am somebody. You just insulted me. Or you don't think that I'm you think I think I'm a nothing, I'm a nobody? Or you don't think that I'm intelligent? Or you or you or you don't do you care about my feelings? You want to trample over me? I'm going to assert back who I am by getting angry. Most of the times what anger is it's an assertion to reestablish the self. Cuz the self is very important. The only problem is and it works it's back it backfires. Cuz think about it. Think carefully with me. What do you respect about another person? What don't you respect about another person? For example, you know, sometimes you read about these colleges where they have banana eating contests and you hear that somebody ate 500 bananas. Does that engender your respect? No, why? Because a gorilla could probably do it better. Right? Or if somebody told you, you know, "Well, I was at a wedding last night, and you know how they brought that lamb out at the end of the wedding? I ate that entire lamb." Does that engender your respect? No, why? Because a lion in the zoo could do it better. Anything an animal could do better than us, we don't respect a human being for. What we do respect a human being for is when a human being overcomes the animal in who he is and controls the animal. What do I mean? Tzaddik. What's that? Tzaddik. Tzaddik. Very good. That's cool. That's a tzaddik. Why? Because I'll give you an example, you know, the animal in me says that I want to eat the extra piece of pizza. I'm hungry. But you need it more than I do. So for me to control my animal and give it to you, that engenders respect. When people give away what they have to somebody else, we respect that person. Why? Because the natural animal in in me, animal says, "Look, I want it for me." But to give it away because you need it more, that's something that only an ashama can do. Something you will never see in the animal kingdom is two lions looking at a dead deer and the fat lion turns to the skinny lion and saying, "You go first. You need it more than I do." That is something you will never see in the animal kingdom. Because an animal responds instinctively. If it is stronger, it will go first regardless of the other one needs it. But what you will see amongst human beings is you will see very strong, powerful, wealthy people turning to someone else and say, "You take it cuz you need it more. And I'm going to go hungry because you need it more." And that's what we respect in people. And I thought about this for a second and I was thinking, you know, even by athletes. What do we respect about athletes? I mean, I think what we respect about an athlete, you know, even a Michael Jordan or somebody like that, or Roger, you know, Federer, you know, if you like tennis, you can follow the French Open. You know, what we respect about athletes is not their athletic prowess. Not that they can run fast or jump high or that they're they're very big and strong and muscular. That's not really what we respect. You know why? Because anything the animal can do, you know, you know, a wrestler. Do we respect a wrestler for his muscles? Put that wrestler in the ring with a mountain gorilla. The mountain gorilla will tear him apart. So, why do we respect the person for his muscles? We don't. That's the animal. What we do respect an athlete for is usually, you know what? Is the guy's a team player. He passes. He doesn't shoot. He doesn't He doesn't look for the glory. He controls himself even when somebody insults him or somebody knocks him the wrong way. You know? He's always looking to make his team look good. He's not out of his own He's not looking for his own personal gain or glory. That's what we respect even about athletes. We respect when they act like souls. So, it's counterintuitive. When somebody insults us, it hurts deeply because there's such a need to assert that I exist. I am somebody. And because we are somebodies. So, we think the way to do it is what? Is to respond with anger. If I could show you that I'm angry and yell back, you'll see that I'm a somebody. But you know what? It's counterproductive. Because the angrier we get, the less the person respects us. What people respect is when you control your anger cuz now you're acting like a soul. You know, animals get angry. You know, you kick a dog, it snarls. You kick a human being, if you stop and say, "I'm going to be calm." Wow. Now you've just acted like an Ishba, a soul. And that engenders respect. Now, it's the degree to which a person can be fully confident in who they are and know that I don't need you to establish that I exist. I know I exist. I know I'm somebody special. I realize that I have a special soul. And your words don't take away from who I am because I worked hard to know who I am. The degree to which I know who I am is the degree to which your words cannot affect me. Hillel knew who he was. He knew who he was, Hillel. He knew exactly what his strengths are. He didn't need need this man's affirmations or the fact that this man wouldn't acknowledge who he is to to to establish that he exists? He knows exactly who he is. And therefore this man says, "Hillel, I've never heard of you." He's able to be calm about it. And he doesn't have to get angry and reassert who he is. There's no need for it. Cuz he knows exactly who he is. That's what humility is. Takes a lot. Humility means that I know who I am. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses. I know my strengths very well. I know they're gifts from God. I don't have to play to the crowd. I don't need a crowd clapping there to tell me that I'm somebody. That takes a lot of inner work. And it's such important work. Cuz if a person could feel that sense that I exist and I'm somebody without the approval of others, people don't have the power to harm you and affect you. Think about it. Yeah, think about it. That's usually why people get angry. "I am a somebody. You insulted me. You think I'm stupid? I'll show you I'm not stupid. I'll yell." Right? But if I know that I'm somebody, your words don't take away from who I am. Hillel possessed that self-knowledge and that self-awareness. That's what humility is. I know my strengths, I know my greatness, but they're gifts from God, so there's no need to be arrogant. But I know exactly who I am. And of course, as we mentioned, it's counterproductive anyway. The more you yell back, the less people respect you anyway. Because we don't respect people when they act like animals. We respect people when they act like souls. I remember one time though, you know, if you want to just get revenge, it's very good way to get revenge. And one time I was parking my car, you know in New York how we park our cars? You know, you can sometimes you bump the guy behind you a little bit. So I was parking my car and I bumped my guy behind me, you know, it's a little gently, I didn't mean to do it. But the guy happened to be in his car. So he comes out screaming at me. And was ready to, you know, "You bumped my car." Like So, I said to him, "I know. I'm sorry." He said, "But you bumped it." I I said, "You're absolutely right. It was my fault. I'm sorry." He said, "But don't you see what you did?" I said, "You're absolutely right. My fault. I apologize. I was wrong." And he looked at me. He just exploded. Why? Because the more I acted like a soul, the more it accentuated the fact that he was acting like an animal. So, he felt even worse about himself. And I felt very good about that. So, you know, I walked away. I won. So, you know, if you really want true revenge, stay calm. You know what But stay calm for other reasons. So, let's go on with the story. So, what happens over here? So, it says Hillel wrapped himself in his cloak and went out to him. He said, "My son, what is it you want?" So, if someone asked me a question, who said over here, "My son"? By the way, a very good question. Why is there that detail that he calls him "my son"? You know, in life, sometimes we get angry at people because in our minds, they become monsters. In our minds, we've completely taken away anything real or human about them. I'll give you an example of what I mean. One time I was on a checkout line. I forget where. But I was, you know, waiting for the girl who was checking people out. You know, she had her she was talking on the cell phone. You know, completely slowly, you know, checking like doing the clicking with one hand, you know, like this. And I was in the pressure to get somewhere. And she's talking on the cell phone, you know. And it's like I'm looking at my my watch and it's like taking forever. And she's just talking on the cell phone, you know. Click click click click click. And then she puts it, you know, takes it with the other hand, holds it up to her ear, you know. And I'm feeling like, "Oh my gosh. Like how inconsiderate can you be?" And I had like I was ready to you know as soon as my turn up there I was thinking what I was going to say to her. And so I get up there you know and I'm like thinking in my mind I'm going to really you know I look up at her and I'm about to just I look up and I say Mazal, how are you? It was Mazal, one of my students. You know like I said last night. But How are you? Great to see you. How's it going? Nice to have you going now. Great. What I said what happened over there? You know when she when you know in my mind she was the checkout girl. I totally dehumanized her. However, once she was my student Okay, she had a phone call to make you know. We all have phone calls to make you know. We have she had to make a phone call like what do I I have I have to say to her she had to make a phone call it's my student make a phone call you know. You know I would have said do you need my phone? Use my phone you know. What do you The problem is sometimes we get angry and because we don't see that the other person is valuable. Our anger blinds our eyes to such an extent that we look at the other as if they're not even human. They're just a a a anonymous person. But Hillel was very smart. Hillel knew that this man had an agenda over here. He sensed it. First thing he says to him he says "Benny, my son." You're my son. My son. I feel to you like a father. You're my son. Look at the way you treat your children so much. You know you want to help your children. My my son. What is it that you want? He says "I have a question to ask." The man began. So Hillel says "Ask my son." So the man says "Why is it the heads of the Babylonians are round?" Again a question which is ridiculous. You know you don't ask Hillel this question. There are people that you know you there's a hierarchy in the order of questions. We know that. This is not a question for Hillel. You know, there was a great sage, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein. Passed away in 1986, one of the greatest sages we've had in the last 100 years. So, he was the type of person you go to to ask questions like uh you know, the major questions in life like, you know, what constitutes life, what constitutes death, you know, when can you take people off respirators, you know, questions that are like you have to go to the the top top people. So, there was once somebody in his yeshiva down in the Lower East Side, Baal Teshuvah, who was just learning Hebrew. So, every time he didn't know a word, he would go up to Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, who would sit in the back, you know, nice old man with a white beard, and he would say to him, "What's this word?" Rabbi Moshe would always uh say, "Oh, that word, that means apple, you know. What's this word here? Oh, that word, that that's door, you know." All right. He used to ask him questions like that. Then someone came up to this guy, he said to listen, "Do you realize who you're asking these questions to? That's Rabbi Moshe Feinstein. He's the major halachic decider in the world. Do you realize that he gets questions from the greatest rabbis all over the world daily? And he decides really the fate, you know, of the halachic fate of the Jewish people. You don't ask him questions like, "What's an apple?" You know, that's not what you ask. So, this kid, this guy, he got he felt so so embarrassed. So, he stopped asking. So, Rabbi Moshe apparently um came over to him and said to him, after a few days, he said to him, "You used to ask me so many questions. What happened?" Looks like the bigger you are, you know, even small questions don't bother you. Cuz you know who you are. He's not trying to insult him. He wants to help him. But this as this guy, but there's a hierarchy of questions. But once you when you know better, that's not the question you ask Rabbi Moshe. But this guy goes right to Hillel, the greatest sage of the Jewish people, and says, "Why are the heads of the Babylonians round?" So, he says to him, "You've asked a very important question. Because they don't have alert midwives. Now, I have a suggestion over here to this line. Maybe you'll agree with me, maybe you'll disagree. The Talmud asks a question and says, "Why did Hashem create humor?" You know, why are we funny? You know, all of you are very funny, right? We love jokes. We love to laugh. Why did Hashem create this reality that we have find things funny? You know, we like to be funny. And we like when someone else is funny. We enjoy it. So, the Talmud says something very fascinating. It says in order to mock and make fun of idol worship. In order that we should make fun in life of things that are false. Those are you're supposed to use your sense of humor in order to make fun of that which is unreal and false and stupid. And avodah zarah, idol worship, is certainly false. You know, our rabbis say, by the way, as I mentioned before, that anger is similar to idol worship. Right? Rabbi Shimon Kohen says, "Ilu oved avodah zarah." One who gets angry, it's as if he served an idol. And again, we mentioned the reason before, because when you're angry, when you're angry, who who's controlling you? It's not God. It's It's this emotion. So, the Talmud I think what the Talmud means is that anger was created, excuse me, laughter and humor was created in order to fight anger. Hillel understood this. I believe what Hillel was doing over here, he's making a joke back. This man is asking him a question, trying to annoy him. What does Hillel do? He makes a joke. Makes a joke. You ask me why the Babylonians' heads are round? Stupid question? I'll give you a stupid answer. You know, I read a story one time that a certain man was at a dinner party with his wife. I guess they were having some sort of fight. And in front of all the guests, she says to him, "You are a stupid idiot." Imagine that. A wife says to her husband at a dinner party table, "You are a stupid idiot." And the guests like went, you know, silent. Like freeze, you know, like, "Oh my gosh, you know, you know, what's what's he going to say to this?" And there's a lot of tension. So, this man looks at his wife. He pulls himself up to his full height. He looks at her and says, "I've been an idiot my whole life, but that's the first time I've been called a stupid one." And she laughed, and people laughed, and he diffused a really serious situation. So, God gave us a sense of humor in order to help us diffuse anger. So, if you're funny, you have a good sense of humor, use it when you feel angry. Use it. Make a joke. That's when you That's the time to make a joke. Say something funny. Say something, you know. I think that's what Hillel did. Hillel understood that. Why the heads of the Babylonians are round? Oh, because they have a lot of midwives. Now, what happens? The men waited a short while until Hillel had gone back to his bath. Then he yelled out again, "Who here is called Hillel? Who here is called Hillel?" He comes again. Same technique. Let's get him when he's uncomfortable. Let's try to bother him. And let's show that I don't even know who he is. Again, Hillel wrapped himself in his cloak, went out to them. He said, "My son, what is it you wish? I have a question to ask." The man said, Hillel said, "Ask, my son, ask. Why are the eyes of the Termudians weak?" "Oh, what an important question is because they live among the sand dunes. You ask a stupid question, I'll give you a stupid answer. The man went away, waited a short while, returned and yelled at him a third time. Who was called Hillel? Why does he come three times? What's important about the number three? Three strikes you're out. Three strikes you're out. Right. Why three? Three times a charm. Judaism is three times greater than Hakaka, right? Um, also like you even have with um, if you're asking somebody for forgiveness and they're not giving you forgiveness, you can give it to them three times and like Three times. Yes. Good. Three times. Good. Good. What's the difference? I'll tell you what it says about number three. The mystical sources tell us that three is the minimal number that you need to have a pattern. True? If I have two points, do I have a pattern? No. One more point, what do I have? Triangle. Triangle. Three points creates pattern. Now, God created us in a way where we're pattern seekers. We're designed, we're programmed in a way that we're always looking for patterns in life. Why is that? Because we know that God conceals himself, he hides himself. The way we try to find God in the world is we try to see the patterns. We try to put things together in order to see, "Oh, that's you." Right? That's what it means to find patterns in life. So, God created us in a way where we're pattern seekers. We're always looking to create order and like there's a reason for that, there's a reason for that, there's a reason for that. Oh, now I see why. I see a pattern. It'll go on over here. So, God says, "Look for patterns in life. That's how you find me." It didn't just happen, you know? This you know, this happened and this happened and this happened and you're going to say coincidence? No. This happened and this happened and this happened, there's a triangle there. See the triangle? That's me talking to you. God wants us to always look and find order and pattern. There's only one problem. The yetzer hara takes our need and desire for patterns and inverts it and says, "Ooh." You hurt me once. Must have been an accident. You insulted me a second time. Uh, you probably had a bad morning. Insulted me a third time. Oh, that's a pattern. You're out to get me. That's three times means you have an agenda, you're trying to hurt me. And when we feel we're trying to be hurt, what do we do? You want to respond. Now you want to respond. You know, I I I I had a fascinating event one time. I was preparing to share a number of years back. I was working through this class that I was going to give on anger. And I happened to go to watch the qualifying matches of the US Open. Right? Does anybody like tennis? If you like tennis, you can watch the qualifying matches in August for free. You see some very great players play the qualifying rounds to try to get into the US Open. So then So I was sitting there watching this guy from South Africa. I remember he was really big. And between sets, he would eat bananas. I guess he needed the the the potassium. And he was, you know, he was strong and big. And I remember they had this linesman, this one linesman there, who was making bad calls. He was making legitimately bad calls. And I remember the first bad call he made, this guy like gave him was a glare. And then a few more games went on, he made another bad call against him. And he looked at him and he was What he said something like, "Don't you Don't you have my eyes?" A few more games went by, the other the the linesman made another bad call for him. This guy went up to the net, took his racket, and threw it at the linesman. So I was watching this. I was saying to myself, one, two, three. Look at that. Three times. He saw a pattern. Beautiful. Oh, there it is. When something happens to us three times, now there's a pattern. This This guy was smart. He knew he's not going to get a leg room once. Cuz he could feel the guy's a nebuch, you know? The guy is just a as a nudnik as we say. Two times, okay, the guy is like I don't know, something's wrong with him. But three times, this guy's trying to get me. And when you feel someone's trying to hurt you, the natural response is to self-defense. This guy was very brilliant. He comes three times. Now, what happens? It says Hillel wraps himself in his cloak and goes out to him. He says, "My son, what is it you wish?" Once again, the man repeated, "I have questions to ask." "Ask, my son." came the patient response. "Why are the feet of the Africans broad?" "My son, you've asked a very important question because of the swamps." You ask a stupid question, I'll make a joke. Frustrated, the man made one final attempt. "I have many questions to ask, but I'm afraid that you might become angry." What's his technique over here? What's the psychology? The psychology works like this. I'm going to tell you a secret about human nature. You've probably heard this phrase before, but I'll say it again. I have never in my life done anything wrong. You in your life have never done anything wrong. Because I can't do anything wrong. You know why? Because my neshama is too great and too strong. And if I were to do something wrong, my neshama would rebel and say, "Do not do that." But the reality is I have done things that are wrong, and the reality is that you have done things that are wrong. Cuz that's part of a being human is. So, how do we do that if the neshama is so strong? How can I do things that are wrong? My neshama is said my neshama is have said pure and holy. How is it How does it let me get there? Ah. Enter rationalization. Rationalization means that God created us with a mind that can rationalize something which is bad and turn it around to make it as if it's really good. And that's to say while we are doing something which anyone else would say is wrong, you know what we're thinking in our mind? I'm really doing a mitzvah. It's a mitzvah. You know, I I am I am I know I'm stealing right now, but I'm allowing the owner of this fruit to help somebody who needs to help the needy. Right? I'm allowing the person I'm doing a mitzvah. I know I'm getting angry right now. Anger is wrong. I would never get angry, but sometimes I can justify my anger. You know why? Because I have a right to be angry. We call it righteous indignation. I have a right to get angry because how are you going to learn unless I get angry? If I don't get angry, you're never going to learn. Hillel had every right to be angry. I think it was suggested over here. He had every right to get angry, didn't he? He's the greatest sage in Israel. He has pressures of of of the whole Jewish people on his shoulders, and this guy comes out of Shabbos to ask him the most stupid questions in the world. He has every right to say, "Look, you have no right to do this. You're hurting people. You're coming to ask me these questions. It's taking away from my ability to help people who really need help. I need to teach you a lesson. My anger is there to teach you a lesson. Of course, it's forbidden to get angry. It's like serving an idol, but I have a right to get angry. I I remember one time I was in a synagogue, and the person who was in charge of the minyan was waiting for a certain person to come. Person was late late, didn't come. Start the minyan without that person. And the person came. Afterwards, he came up to the gabbai. He said, "How could you start the minyan without me?" He was very, very insulted. And he started screaming in public in front of everybody. He said, "You How could you start the minyan without me?" Like he was really, really upset with this. And then he turns towards me and he says, "And don't think I'm getting angry because of my own honor. I'm doing this for Rabbi Kraft." "First, you're not going to wait for me. Then you're not going to wait for Rabbi Kraft." So, I called this gabbai later and I said to him, "You know, this person had no right to speak to you like that. I'm going to speak to him and tell him that he was wrong. But you have to understand that he was insulted." But how did he justify his anger? He justified his anger. He knows it's wrong to get angry, but he was trying to protect the honor of the rabbi. Now I have a right to be angry. That's called righteous indignation. I never get angry. I only get angry when I feel I'm getting angry because it's a mitzvah. This guy turns to Hillel and he says to Hillel, "Listen to his words. What does he say? I have many questions to ask, but I'm afraid that you might become angry." Hillel calmly sat down before him. "Ask all the questions that you would ask," he offered. Why do we have to know that he calmly sits down before him? The Mesilat Yesharim and Chaim L'tzado teach us a very important lesson about human nature. It's very difficult to access the inner side of who we are. It takes a lot of work. The way to access the inner side of who we are is by controlling the outer part of who we are. Let's just say I can't always control my feelings, but I can't control I can control my actions. It says that if you want to have a calm inner disposition, the way to achieve it is by having calm outer actions. It says the sonius mis aris epidemius. The external action arouses internal feeling. It's an important principle of life. If you want to feel love for somebody, tell them you love them. If you want to feel calm on the inside, act calm on the outside. It's an important tool to use. Hillel understood this. Hillel sits down calmly before the person. He might not be able to control his feelings, but he might not be able to fully control the inner part of who he is. He knows this man is working very hard to anger him, but he can control the external action. So, he sits down calmly. Very important. If you feel upset, if you feel that anger is coiling up inside you, what do you do? Very important. King Solomon tells us, speak with a soft voice. Korach. Rather than responding with an elevated voice, start responding very softly. Just by speaking softly, you'll find that you'll get the anger under control. Move slowly. What we do on the outside will determine what we're going to feel on the inside. What happens? In desperation, the man asked, "Are you Hillel, who is called the leader of the Jewish people?" Now, this is my favorite one word of the entire piece. What does Hillel will respond. Yes. Are you Hillel who's called the greatest sage in the Jewish people? Now, you might think Hillel would say, "Well, I'm not the greatest, you know, there are many great sages out there. I'm one of many." What does Hillel say? Hain. Yes. Hillel knew exactly who he was. He knew exactly who he was. He knew his greatness. He knew he was the greatest sage in Israel. But at the same time, this man couldn't pierce the armor and try to make him feel insignificant. Because he knew he was. But at the same time, he's not insulted by the person not knowing who he was because he has humility. Humility means I know who I am, but it's a gift from God. You don't have to I don't need you to define me. I know who I am. And at the same time, I don't have arrogance cuz if there was arrogance, then you have then by you trying to take away from who I am will hurt me. I don't feel hurt by a remark either. But what do we see? Humility doesn't mean that I feel I'm nobody. Humility feels if humility is I know exactly who I am. Honesty. I know my strengths, I know my talents, but honesty also means that it is a gift. It's a gift from God. If a person knows that, an insult doesn't harm you. An insult doesn't take away from it. The insult doesn't I don't need to protect and restore who I am in your eyes cuz I know who I am. If Hillel was arrogant to any degree, what would happen? Yeah, he would feel insulted, but he's not. There's no falseness in him. He knows exactly who he is. So, what does the man say? "If you are he, then there there should be no more like you in Israel." Question. Is that an insult? If a person were to say to you, "There should be no more like you in the whole Jewish people." Would you feel happy with that comment? What would be your response if someone said it to you? Well, well, that's one thing you could say. Or you you know or you could fight back. You could True, you might say there's no or you you would respond and say, you know, or or at least try to defend yourself. It's an insult. "There should be no more like you in Israel." Yeah. Oh, well, I mean you good good point. It sounds like an insult though. So, you could literally call the Jewish people Are you Are you Hillel who was called the leader of the Jewish people? Yes. If you are he, then may there be no more like you in Israel. Yeah, I I it sounds from the tone of it it doesn't sound like he's praising him. Sounds like he's saying that I'm I'm very upset with you. There should be no more like you. Someone said that to me, I think my response would be, you know, "What do you mean there should be no more like you? There should be no more like you." You know? The Hillel does the smartest thing. Right here. I'm going to write in the next line. We're going to get one of the major foundations of how to control anger. In one word. One word is so crucial here. You know what he says? What does he say, Emma? Why? Why? And what does the man respond back? Cuz I just lost 400 zoos through you. It's nothing personal. You're a wonderful guy. You're my I love you, you know. Greatest rabbi ever met. But I just lost a lot of money through you. Then Hillel says, "Listen, calm down. You know, it's better you lose twice 400 zoos than you than than than I become angry." Now, I'll tell you why I love this line, "Why?" so much. You know, we live in a world today where where God's in exile. We're in exile. Exile means it's not just a physical exile, but we're exiled from the land of Israel. Exile means that just like we're not connected to the land, we're not connected to God as deeply. And the reality is we're not connected to each other fully as well. As a result, we really don't understand often what people are trying to say to us. We can hear words, but often times what we hear is not what the person is saying. That's a function of exile. You know, when Messiah comes, God willing, soon, we're going to be able to relate and connect to each other, and we'll really understand what each other is saying. I'll tell you a fact, you know, like we go to go to a wedding. You're supposed to go up right to the bridegroom. Say to the bridegroom, right? We all did this in the other classes. What do you say? It says you just married a isha nov chasuda. A righteous and beautiful woman. So, our sages ask a question, but like supposing she's not beautiful? Or supposing she's missing a leg? Maybe you should praise her intelligence. You know, you go up to the chasan and say like, you know, I hear your wife graduated, um, you know, five beta kappa from Harvard. You know, I heard she got accepted at, you know, Columbia Medical School. He says, "No." You say that, you know, what he's going to think? He don't think she's beautiful. So, even if you don't think she's beautiful, you have to go right up to him and say, "Oh, you married a a a righteous and lovely person." But why not tell the truth? Why not praise something that's real, the answer is he won't understand you correctly. However, when Messiah comes, then the law is going to be different, it says. That would the law is going to be like Shammai. You could go to a wedding and you could say, "I hear your wife, you know, just got accepted to uh you know, the best dental school in the country. She must be a really, really bright woman." And he won't hear from that that you don't think something else. But while we're still in exile, so to speak, we're in exile from each other. And we don't really understand each other so well. And sometimes you could say something and what the other person hears has nothing to do with what you just said. And sometimes it's a good question. It's a good It's a good technique to say to somebody, "You know, can you you know, can you say back what I just said?" And you'll be surprised to hear what the person will say back, something completely different than what you just said, if they were listening at all. That's part of exile. So, when someone says something to us, before you respond, first make sure what Make sure you know what they're really saying. Hillel was wise enough to know that what people say and what you hear can be completely two different things. He insulted Hillel. "There should be no more like you in Israel." Instead of responding to the statement, Hillel's question was, "Why Why do you say that?" And then what does the man tell him? "You know, I just lost 400 big ones through you. It's nothing personal." Had Hillel not been wise enough to know that what people say and what you hear are sometimes radically different, he might have responded. So, how important it is is that when you hear something that seems like an insult to you, to say to the other, "Could you tell me what What do you mean? What Why are you saying that?" And often times they'll say, "Well, what I mean is this." And you might say back, "Well, why do you use that word?" And that's not what I meant. Our communication today is so exiled. We're not talking to each other. It's a big problem. Now, where does this really affect people, by the way? We see this very strongly in marriages, between men and women, you know. God created men and women in a way that we have different languages. It's not tonight's class, right? This is another class, and we speak a lot about that in marriage, right? But the differences in men and women, you know, we understand that's the way the Torah created it. God created a world like that, where you have a male form of communication, a female form of communication. You Biological difference is just the outer expression of deep spiritual, intellectual, and psychological differences. And that's the way God created it, because he wants these two different forces to come together and build something completely new and wonderful. But that often means that men and women don't speak to each other. And a big problem in marriage, by the way, right? Is that a man might say something, his wife might hear it completely differently. A woman might say something, and her husband will hear it completely differently as to what you meant. You know, so on that note, you know, I just want to share something with you. I was doing some research in a book called um When Men Are Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus, famous text. And I found something very interesting over here. It says, I'll give you a few examples, where women A woman might say something, and what a man responds to has nothing to do with what she's really saying. So, I'll give you a few examples of what John Gray writes in the book over here. Women say things like this. She says, "We never go out." He says back, "That's not true. We went out last night." What she really saying, ladies? I want to go out tonight. And deeper than that, what she really saying? I want to go out with you. I want you to notice me. I'd like for you to I'd like some attention, right? What does he do? He hears the words, and he responds, "Wait a minute, we went out last night. What are you What are you talking about?" You know? So, she says, "Everyone ignores me." He responds, "I'm sure some people notice you." What she really saying? You're ignoring me. You're ignoring me. Of course, he hears the words and responds to the words. He has to hear like this over here. He's not listening to the real message over here. She says, What does she say over here? She says, "No one listens to me anymore." He says, "But I'm listening to I'm listening to you right now." What she really saying? What What she really saying? What she What she What's that? Yeah, you're listening to me, but you're not listening to me. You're I say now they're going to get mad over here. You're physically there, but you ain't there. The brain isn't there, and you're not there emotionally. You you you might your your ears are you're hearing you're hearing sound vibration, that's about it. And then So, she says, This is an interesting one. He says she says nothing not she says nothing is working. And he says, "Are you saying it's all my fault?" What's she really saying there? Ladies, help me with that one. What's she really saying in that one? She's not getting what she needs. She didn't say anything specific, but she's just exaggerating. She's exaggerating. This is the language of exaggeration. Just exaggeration, you know. The man hears it literally though. What you're saying is my He feels accused. She's not accusing him. I don't know, maybe I'm not sure. Then she says she another one. She says this is all This is a common one. She says he says you don't love me anymore. He says, "Of course I do. That's why I'm here." What's she really saying? She wants to hear it. She wants to Wants to hear it. I I want to hear it. What's she saying right? I'm not saying I just need I want reinforcement. I want assurance. Really really she's saying, am I correct, um ladies? She's really saying, you know, I need assurance right now. But he hears the words and he says, "What do you mean?" you know. Like he said a joke. You know, she says to him, you know, she says, you know, "How come you never say I love you anymore?" He says, "Listen, I said I loved you under the huppah. If anything changes I'll let you know." She says, What else do you say here? He says, "The house is always a mess." He says back, "It's not always a mess." What's she saying? She needs help. I need help. I need help. I need help. The words are a code to communicate a feeling. So, John What's that? There's a problem with the way she's phrasing things and men do that a lot. No, no, there's there's there's There's like always and never. Those are really Those are bad words. Right, right, right. So, so Alex is making a good point. So, the mis- Alex is saying a true statement. However, the point is the the point the point is, you know, that that John Gray makes in this book, and I I think it's a very true point, is that men and women have a different mode of communication. The communication for a woman can be more the language of exaggeration. It's more emotional. It's bigger. It's never. It's always. It's a You know, what a man has to be very careful is not to listen to the words, but get behind the words and say, "What are you really trying to say?" And don't don't say that, you know, then it sounds like, "What are you trying to say?" You know, you say like, "You know, you know, but have to get behind the words and say like, you know, I hear words, but what's what's really been trying to communicate?" You know, a man would never say to another man, you know, you know, like, you know, it's it's, you know, "You're always late." You know, you know, the man would look at you and say like, "What are you talking about? Like, always late. Don't use that word." But a woman might say, "You're always late." Doesn't mean you're always late. It means "I feel hurt when you come late because I feel that you don't take my feelings, you know, feel that I'm important. You're you People that you feel important to, you make sure you get to work on time. But with me, you're not on time. So, I feel taken for granted." So, you know, so I'll get to men and women tonight. So, what you got, Alex? I got something like But I I But I you know, but the point the point I'm trying to make is that in the language of of men and women, listen to what I say. What do you want to say, Alex? Men use that also. So, it's just it depends on the situation. It's not a I don't think it's Not such Right. But but we would understand each other what it meant. We would have that language. We'd understand it like, "Okay, he's upset. Yeah, let it go." You know, but but the point that John Gray makes in the book, I think it's a very beautiful point, is that the communication between men and women so often times is causes problems because there are really two different languages going on. We We hear each other. We don't hear each other. But it's a deeper problem than that. It really has to do a little bit with exile. The fact that we're in galus means that we're distant from each other. And it's not just men and women. We have to understand that when we hear something that seems to be insulting, the first thing that we have to train ourselves to do is to stop and to say, "Let me make sure I understand exactly what you mean." And the truth of the matter is, that's what a beit din does. You know, if two parties come to a beit din for a judgement, the judges in the beit din have to listen to each side, and after each side speaks, they say that they say to the person, "I You have to repeat what was said. I hear what you just said is that you borrowed that you lent $100 and he did not pay back to you." Person says, "Yes." And then you have to turn to the other person and say, "I hear what you said. You lent You know, you borrowed You borrowed $100 and you said you're going to pay in installments and you did pay those installments." Person says, "Yes." The beit din has to go back to each parties and repeat back to the other party what they said. Why? Because both parties have to know that the beit din really heard in order to feel that justice was served. You know, in psychology, we call that reflective listening. Reflective listening means that when someone says something to you, say back to the person what they said in another way to let the person know that you understand what they said and to make sure you got it right. And if a person can train themselves to do that, especially, you know, in relationships, marriage, whatever it might be, or any type of relationship, you can avoid a lot of problems. Hillel was wise enough to, you know, say right to this person after the guy insulted him and said, "There's no one more like you in Israel." What does he say? This beautiful one-liner, "Why?" Contained in that one word why are what all the pop psychology books will write on reflective listening. Make sure you understand that which was just said to you. Because if you do, you'll realize often times what you perceive as an insult is not an insult at all. Person's saying something, but his words are not really what he's trying to communicate. Okay. Let's just put it together and just see what we said over here. So, we understand that anger can be a function of physical discomfort. It could be a a function of stress. We understand that anger it could be prompted when we feel we have a right to be angry, righteous indignation. We understand when something happens to us three times that we like to look for patterns and as a result tend to feel this person is trying to hurt us. We shouldn't perceive it that way and understand sometimes things just happen. We should understand that the way to control anger is speaking calmly, doing external actions that make us feel calm. We should understand that to control anger we should try to have a good sense of humor. Tell jokes. Make fun of the situation. Mock it like we would mock idol worship. We understand that really what anger is is a response to an injured pride. And the degree to which we can understand who we are and what we are is the degree to which we'll know that no one's words can take away from who we are and there will be no need to respond with anger. We have to understand that if anger is the response or our attempt to restore lost pride, it's completely a non-successful attempt because the person doesn't respect us more, they respect us less because we're acting more like an animal. And finally, we should understand that every situation in life is a test. Are we going to get angry or not? That's the test. The test of life is not are we going to get to work on time? The test is despite what's going to happen to me in the process of getting to work on time, am I going to be frustrated and angry? And the degree to which we can realize that everything in life is God's way of testing us, and it's when we pass those tests, it's where our eternal reward lies, is the degree to which we'll look at life in a different way. And instead of responding with anger, try to realize this is an opportunity, an opportunity to control myself. And as we mentioned, what is anger? Anger is kaas. The three letters, if you flip them around, are iyan. Kaas. The i is covered. Iyan kaas. The iyan, the i which sees and perceives and understands, is covered. Meaning what? I'm not thinking. Because if I would think, I would realize nothing in this world happens unless God wants it. Therefore, this must be God's will, it must be a test. And my response has to be a calm, controlled, thought-out, patient, soft approach. Is it easy? No. Is it important? Absolutely. You know, there's a great sage, Rabbi Zalman Auerbach, when his wife passed away after a marriage of over 60 years or so, 65 years, at the funeral he made a statement. He said, you know, oftentimes at a funeral it's customary to ask your wife for forgiveness. Or a wife would ask her husband for forgiveness. He said, we were married over 65 years. I have absolutely nothing to ask my wife for forgiveness for. And she has nothing to ask me for forgiveness for, either. There are human beings who are capable of living together for 65 years in such harmony whereby they can truly feel that we have nothing to ask each other for forgiveness for. We always approached each other with the most honored demeanor. That's the great people in the Jewish nation. He goes 65 years. I can't go to Tuesday, you know, but like that's that's him, that's me. But we have to understand that it is possible. It just takes work. Is it important? It's probably the most important thing we can work on. Because it's the underpinning of a good strong relationship. And it's the underpinning of the realization that everything happens in life is really directed from the almighty down below and is designed to test us and to elevate us and ultimately give us the ultimate reward. Thank you for listening, everybody. I enjoyed talking to you. I'm one of the wonderful Rabbis.