Rabbi Mordechai Kraft - Self Respect Must Come First Part 2

I'd like to welcome everybody once again to our Tuesday Lunch and Learn and we hope that this time is working for everyone and that the opportunity to grow together and to look at some pieces and to to try to figure out ways to to enhance our relationships whether it be the Sham with with others or with ourselves is something that people are finding meaningful and basically the style that we're trying to utilize really is trying to look at a source each week and to try to analyze it and really see how it affects ourselves and of course the goal of what we're doing is gud Latasha maybe they my son the greatest Turk because it leads to to action and action in this context really means self perfection and that's sort of the theme and the motif that underlies a lot of the classes that that we're going to be giving and our Tuesday sessions so this class today is a continuation of last week and last week we spoke about root and the storyline with with rose and just as by way of review we mentioned that roses we know was a princess princess in mauve and she followed her mother along the army to to leave more that come to land of Israel and when she arrives Israel we know that she is she's really suffer objects poverty she's poor and someone who was once a princess now has to go into the field and actually pick up the grain that was dropped by by the farmers we called lekha thirsty go and pay oh and she's walking past back in behind the farmers and picking up grain and that's really how she's going to have sustenance for her meal that night and she comes back to Naomi and nobody says you know who was the man who did kindness for you today and she responds in a strange way and she says the man for whom I did kindness his name was boss not the man who did kindness for me but the man for whom I did kindness and and if we call us to his class we're a little bit struck by that like why would you say such a thing it seems to be lacking in the kharsa toll lacking gratitude and we came up with a beautiful solution based on the works of hanok Leibowitz my red shyam and spoke about the idea that sometimes cover would ask me sometimes one's own individual self worth the sense of self has to be the overriding objective of a person you know in this context imagine a princess having to to to now pick up the grain that's dropped and imagine the feelings of insecurity and then the sense of self that's being lost so right now she really had to reestablish who she is and instead of focusing on what boys did for her she turns it around and she focuses on the fact that I'm also a giver here it's not a one-sided relationship it's true he's allowing me to be in this field but I'm affording him an opportunity affording him an opportunity to him it's opportunity to get hola mama I too as a giver as big a giver as he is is not and so it's not that she's lacking in gratitude she she her essence is gratitude as she bears to be the great grandmother of dominant medal for that reason but she's also teaching us something so extraordinary about what it means to maintain one's own self but it means to focus on we call Corvo that's me my own self esteem and that's something which is is so crucial and maybe something which we often forget to do that we have to look at ourselves and appreciate our own greatness and what we do appreciate our greatness then we can appreciate the greatest in another person so relationships depend on that it has to start with ourselves and similarly if we want a relationship with Hashem how am I to feel worthy of this relationship how am I to feel that Hashem wants me in this relationship it also has to come from a sense of self so that sense of self as the we're gonna you don't even says and others that that's really the ticket and the the look maybe this important ingredient in all service of a Shemin although such a and maybe the most under discussed discussed topic kavod asks me who am I am i doing everything I can to make sure I see myself in the most positive light and really understand that I'm creating in God's image and therefore I have a value which is which is Finnick so on that note I'd like just to share an extraordinary piece from the Gemara and I'm reading right now from tractate Sanhedrin and the DAF is you - alpha man Aleph 11a and it says as follows it tells a story story says that one time it happened that Yosef read Bieber Kaduri Rebbe the great regular you do not see who was the author of the mission it was once giving a class or party of a class but a real shown and he smelled garlic in a smelt he realized the summon in the class and eating garlic I guess he was sensitive to that the smell can be overwhelming garlic very powerful pungent odor or perhaps maybe he felt it was just disrespectful that's all we eat something which had such a you know an older before the class like that and in any case he made a comment whether it was the correct comment to make or the wrong comment to make the kamar doesn't tell us but what he says is I'm ameesha awful shoe matzah whoever ate that garment I see never ate that that garlic reshuffles Shoom yatza whoever ate the garlic leave what happened I'm a robbery of yachts rather clear who seems to be the the greatest student of the class he really stood up I'm doing a cooling yourself on the rubbish pvwatts rather he stood up and he walked out after everything worked out under cool on the yacht so the entire class walked out now obviously rather here did not eat the garlic but in order to preserve the honor of whoever didn't eat it rather he pretended that he was the one and he got up and left and I guess he knew that once he'd that that everybody would follow his example which is what happened whole class got up walked out and therefore the person who ate the garlic was spared the embarrassment of revelry knowing who it was but chakra Mutsu rebbi shimon bar Rebbe that next morning it happened that really Shimon the son of Rebbe found rather live Rebbe Theo anomaly he said to him after who should see our to the Abba are you the one who caused my father such pain indicating that because you left the class they weren't able to enter a day's learning with rap he was lost imagine the pearls of wisdom of holiness they would have come to the world he caused him such pain let me clear said back to Shimon bar Rebbe he said to him I'm below lotia cos øz pious world class wish Lucia Ocala shomba ball debasement Rajjo says God forbid would I be the one who ate the garlic before coming to the study hall now the kadhi should Lola how big bond of shallow colostrum get saucy but in order that I spare the embarrassment so the person who actually ate the garlic therefore I left I pretended to have eaten and I left why could they shiatsu coolant were your lover you know your vino mijo you know that everyone should walk out and they won't know who the person really is a bit here's response was you know God forbid would I be would I eat Garland's like that I wouldn't do something so disrespectful but it should never happen that a Jew should be embarrassed god forbid that somebody should be embarrassed and because that's the reason I got up and I walked out now you know at this juncture I think if we think about the storyline just for a minute I think maybe we would ask ourselves the question would we have done the same thing you know would we we'd be willing to risk our own honor to spare somebody else from embarrassment and I think that's a good question and I think probably many of us would answer and say yeah we would that you know that to have somebody be embarrassed is is a is a very painful thing and and if we could somehow take the bullet for them into perhaps suffer the indignity instead of them I think we might all be willing to do that you know I think we know that to it to embarrass somebody to nominate could I be Robin is a a a terrible sin and you know we noticed it's even equated to murder just as murder is taking the the red from somebody's face and leaving white that's what happens when embarrassed somebody smashed on upon of his face becomes white as if to say the red blood cells have left and now he's left dead so to speak and and one of the things we had told frenum Kippur when we say you know when we say to a Shem you know I I thought see that God forbid I've murdered somebody and many of us I think and going to Yom Kippur free from from that terrible Avera but what are we confessing over so we know the honey door and others tell us that in a Kabbalistic sense really what were confessing over is having embarrassed somebody having caused death you know we know in this the homage we see that Tamar at the point where you know she had to confront Yehuda and and he was willing to bring her out to be burned because of the infidelity that he was accusing her of seeing that now she was expecting a child and she had supposed to have been waited to have done evil so we know that tomorrow is really willing to risk being thrown into a fiery furnace it says rather than embarrass yahuda and he says do you know the person who is the owner of the staff and the signet ring he also is the father of the child and of course he would have gets the message any who did a great sense also humility you know admits to that he is the father and and so praises Tamar for her outstanding characteristic that she would not bring him to embarrassment that she was willing to risk really dying if need be rather than causing embarrassment so to embarrass somebody we understand this is a a sin beyond anything we could imagine it's an extraordinary sin now you know III remember one time there was a fourth grade boy and little fourth grade boy he told me story and he said that he was in class and and the Rebbe asked the question of the boy in front of him and boy didn't know the answer and then he asked this little fourth grade boy does he know the answer and this fourth grade boy said nope I don't know the answer either and I asked this little boy what was the question he told me the question I said really is it on the answer to that and he said to me yeah of course I knew the answer he said but I didn't want to cause the other boy embarrassment I want to pretend that I didn't know what either I heard that was pretty amazed by that I won't tell you who it is except that I would relate to that fourth grade boy he's not 4th grade anymore but it's it this is I get to save somebody from embarrassment seems to be something which I think is is in our sense of common sense you know when we think about it and we reflect on it if we're feeling courageous enough and if we're feeling enough self-confidence I think all of us would say this I'm only to take the bullet for you I'm willing to risk the embarrassment because I understand how important is to spare somebody else from embarrassment I think maybe a lot of it could relate to that just in a sense of you know of a big sense now it's interesting the weight the toe works and and the way our rabbis work if something can be understood logically if something can be explained just because it makes sense one doesn't have to bring a proof forth one doesn't need a verse for it one doesn't need to bring some sort of transmission to show that's why we do it if it makes sense we're very confident to say yeah that that that logic is what wins out in the end sometimes you give me the process of learning Talmud in the most powerful form of a proof is I have an attack from logic I never once a Rebbe of mine grabbing that means it's all saying you know when you learn good murder you have a muster than a mask if mussaf means it's a question from another source at a neg source of emission of raisa but you have a mask if that's an attack from logic if you have an attack from logic that is the most powerful form of attack because it makes sense we value the human mind we value thinking we value thought and and and we value therefore if we have an idea that can be explained logically we don't necessarily need a source port so what fast is fascinating over here is the Gemara doesn't stop the Gemara goes on over here and it says that's the question for a sold the son of Rebbe pia seemly the rich son of Rebbe sister have a clear listen you know what I'm really asking you was you know the fact that you walked out on my father's class Freddie's class you know you deprived him the ability to teach a toy that day you know and who are we speaking about which mean that rebbe reb he wasn't you could own OC jutsu the prince a day of his class was what the Torah he must have brought down from shamaya man evident that day would have been so remarkable so his son says to listen you because my father such pain he was able to give it over he wasn't able to bring down he needs to stop meet him in order to teach you left like that Toto was left on Todd what did you do tour is the foundation of the world but to that privately responds I said listen if even so I have to be willing to walk out you know where to spare someone else from embarrassment even if it means depriving the world of that day's turn because the human being is Korean image of God I can't let that hold he being so be subjected to any form of embarrassment and it seems that refugia was very confident in this because he was willing to give up rabi's day of teaching so to speak whatever would have come to the world that day what magnificent spiritual treasures Pearl's was denied the world that day because if he left him if he left everybody followed him Rebbe was left without a class so the confidence that that refers showed is something remarkable I think and the logic behind it I think we can all hear it seems to make sense to us but the good Lord doesn't stop there and let me stable to tell you what the Gemara said to the mother continues and the Gomorrah says as far as the Gemara says that it asks a question Robby here may hate Kagami law may be here where did you learn this how did you know that you were thought to do this maybe he got me in law so look at my answer sentence says that bilious is back I learned to never be mayor I learned it from Rebbe mayor ready Mayor was generation or previous a little bit before decided that within a Bryson Mike suby chakra should bust the basement rush already mayor one time it happened that a woman came to the basement rushed to the study hall of revi mayor I'll rule oh yeah B she said to him rabbit she said Rebbe Edward Lee Kum Kee Johnny Bobby Oh he said one of you in this study hall married me what was her attack she said that there's someone here who married me in a way which is not an appropriate way for a marriage to to occur we know that marriage can be kanva can be done in different ways by giving money or a ring which what we do today like giving a contract or even by the act of of intimacy in some occasions between a man and a woman and she is really claiming that someone married me through intimacy but I don't know who it was what happens almond rubbing mayor of a course of luck at Croesus an awesome law rabbee rabbee mayor himself gets up and what does he do he writes for her I get and he gives to it we know an order for divorce to work the Torah tells us the cost of an awesome law there has to be a vehicle divorce called it yet so what Rebbe does pretending as it were that he was the person who had married her in this through this act in an appropriate way pretending that is something that he had done he gets up and he writes for her I get what follows on the coastal cooler when Austin law all of these students in the base matters they see what their teacher having mayor does did they all get up they all write a get I guess they take two witnesses and one writes the get front two witnesses gives to her the next guy sits down he writes again he gets to witness he gets to her next guy he writes again he gets to witness get the door they go through that process until the entire base mattress has written her a get and given to her in front of witnesses and she's able to walk away of course not a married woman and of course nobody knows who the guilty party really was because everybody went to the action of having given her the get whoever was the right one gave it to her so she received the gap she's divorced is no longer a shish she's not a married woman anymore she received what she needed but no one in the room knows who the culprit was as a boy and that's where we see a sense I've learned that I was allowed to walk out pretending that I was the one who ate the garlic knowing that everybody would follow me because I had a transmission from home from nothing there that when this woman came and asked who was it said one of you married me through beer but I don't know it was Robbie mayor brought the get and everybody followed suit and the order to get and gave to her but the do-more doesn't stop there the Kumar says that grabbing mayor may become a la grabbing there where did you learn that you were allowed to do that so a Mary spawns he says yeah I learned from shmulik cotton I've got my records it says he learned the first rule of cotton and the Gemara says which will the cotton may hit could come along shmulik cotton where did he learn it from which kinda been your kill he learned it from a person in shikhandi Bennett Hill on the gum or scissors 90-minute kill where'd he learn it from he says gum lmao sure for Joshua and the Gabbar says me oh sure my head can tell me other Joshua where did you learn it from he's either the phone coach particle other from Hashem what's the story over there we know we look back at the story of Joshua way back when first book after the varam in yoshua there's an incident in Jericho and Jericho where the Jewish people after capturing Jericho are told that they can't take any of the leave what's called the SH la Lenny of the the spoil massive war booty they're not supposed to take anything over coach barber tells you sure one says that is that the people have taken things and appropriately and your shoe a seashell who was it who took it and Hashem says back Deltora on me am i a gossiper I'm not gonna tell you figure it out yourself so what you're sure does is he he has Jewish nation has to take some sort of straws and whoever gets a certain straw is a sort of a Kabbalistic process to some extent whoever has like the short straw whatever it might be something like that will actually be the guilty party it lands on one member of the Jewish nation his name is akan and he is fact the one who is guilty so the question is you know why didn't Shem just tell yo sure are you sure it's just one person who took it it's name is aki-nee Hashem said I'm not gonna tell who it is and not only that what does it Shem do a chef really puts his own covered on his own honor on the line because the actions of the Jewish nation reflect on a Shems honor the way we conduct ourselves of course we know really says a lot about what a Shem is all about that's of course the by the greatest condition Shem is to do something sanctified as God's name because people look us and say wow if we're like that imagine what a shame is cool on Hashem we know is exactly the opposite when we do something which is not proper people look at us and say if you're the representatives should ask the way well that really reflects badly about your teacher about the one who teaches you about your Torah the one in whom you're trying to enter whom you're trying to emulate so a Shem is really really to put his own honor of the line and almost pretend that the whole nation is guilty the whole nation been guilty really reflects badly on a Shem rather and saves just one person so how fascinating it is that the Gemara asks this question Rebbe Clio may hakken gum in law how did you know that you were allowed to pretend that you did something inappropriate in order to save that person embarrassment how did you know now instead of the Gabbar is simply answering and saying well you know it made sense it's logical as we mentioned before this somebody from embarrassment Oh careful we must be good no it doesn't do that the guevara needs to find a source again if you need to find a source it means that logic isn't what can necessarily govern the situation it can't be determined the logic you need a source and how remarkable is the source look of deep the sources he read me he said right weren't you looking for and then from my teacher teacher revving there you know when he gave the get but took him or doesn't stop there robbing there where'd you learn it from oh he didn't finish more cotton I wish more country where he live from oh he left me she can't even get killed oh and even if I were either from or hidden it from a case by you're sure you sure where did he learn from he learned it from the Almighty Himself we have to trace this idea that you're willing to give up your own honor to spare somebody else we have to trace the transmission back all the way back to a college bar home back to a shop which means that if we didn't have this transmission that we are allowed to do this then I'm allowed to do it because my Rebbe did it and he's allowed to because it's ready did it and he's allowed to talk us his web did he's allowed to cuz I know a shunt in it we will not be able to know that we're allowed to cause ourselves embarrassment even if it means sparing somebody else from our session we would not be able to know that on to it it just before I continue I just say a note was put in front of me and I apologize that I set a name at the beginning and I said it incorrectly like to say correctly that today sure and the inspiration mr. Shem that I hope we're deriving from these words should be in discussing the merit of Yahoo that's fee been higher Esther you would a sweet been faster if we didn't have this transmission if we did not know this logic would not be able to come up and tell us definitively that we can embarrass ourselves to save somebody else from embarrassment we need to have a transmission and the Talmud tells us how intense does the transmission need to be it's you need to know that your Rebbe did it and you need to know that his rebel did it and you know that the Rebbe of his rarely did it back to a sham the question I think is why why do we need such an intense transmission in order to teach us something which many of us might feel is really just very logical that it makes sense I'd be willing to spare somebody else embarrassment even if it means not be embarrassed and not only that in this scenario in Ravi Leo when ready said who ape the garlic and rather he pretends that he ate the garlic everybody knows that he didn't really do it you know he's really just covering it's just a it's a feint he's he's doing it to despair someone else everyone knows he wouldn't do that but if he wasn't such a lofty level everyone knows he was not the guilty party he was just pretending and it's so obvious to it to it to everyone in the room that he's only pretending to spare that person and as a result everyone grasps almost intuitively and distinctively and and almost immediately and said oh my god no can we get it ready Clea we're supposed to all do this and I'm the cooler me up so and they all stand up and they walk out so Revathy is doing something where he's pretending did something in a situation but everybody knows that he's really not guilty and still the Gemara says like well how do you know you're allowed to pretend you did something even a situation where everyone knows you're not guilty how did you know you let's do it and to that the good more answers and gives a transmission going back at least five generations back to the old mighty himself so the question is how do we answer that question what's going on here there must be something that underlies the need to preserve one's individual dignity which goes deeper than we might have thought let me read to you really the way the the marsh explains it right then the Gemara Gemara scissors patent as follows that really asking the question that the marsh are we know them are sure commentator on the Talmud says as follows cabarrus the good Michelle says Matt Mauck should good morrow what's the Khmer asking for became a hey Kagome look look here where did you you learn this from but Mayer managed to come over there where did you learn it from well cut to make you grow more lush oh god wait you little foam sheet on me to make government law hurry I'm sure OMA should cool him your there's no space for a nap she isn't it possible to say like we've been asking that they just knew it logically it just made sense she aimed the visor honey as well we understand do it save somebody from embarrassment you can so Marsha answered he says as follows logic itself would not dictate that why and here's what the marshal says and this is his language we assumed Ecola may more we slaughter the adder ABBA because you might think completely opposite these are the Yogi's you might think the other extreme the other point of view which would be totally probably to think sugar yak sick autumn Oxbow could negate a theorem Kohoutek a person has no right to present himself before his friends as if he sent okay ello or sushi loca Hogan or as if he did something which might not be even a sin but might be something which just wasn't fully appropriate mission ki-suh for the cavalry even if it means that his friend is gonna suffer embarrassment in other words the marshal is telling us that it's not so simple as great of a mitzvah it is to spare some of embarrassment and how horrible a sin it is to cause some embarrassment to do something where we compromise our dignity well even if we pretend to compromise our duty even if we appear before our friends as if we did something wrong even though they know that we did not do anything wrong but we play the part as if we did and even if the reason is to protect another person to do something which compromises our dignity to act in a way which we present ourselves as as a person who would have done such a thing it is not so simple it's not so simple to compromise on something which we call or called ask me our sense our internal expression of our greatness not so simple to compromise on who we are again it was the correct thing with revelry it did but it wasn't correct because he knew logically to do it logic would tell him I don't know if I can do this if he's gonna analyze it he's gonna say what so I have to protect my friends of embarrassment but I also have to protect myself I have to conduct myself in a way in which I see myself as an elegant elevated human being now I know I'm allowed to do it because I know rebbe Meredydd I have a tradition I have a transmission for my Rebbe one of my Rebane that is mitad Android mayor has a transmission of his Rebbe and he had read Minister his Rebbe I normally like to do it why only through transmission I'm allowed to do could of course borrow who did it but if I didn't have that transmission the logic in my own brain would not be able necessarily to come up with a solution because I have to protect your dignity but I also need to protect my dignity so I'm able to do this but only through transmission transmission tells me I'm allowed but what do we see from that if we didn't have that transmission that intense transmission really one would have to say my dignity comes first Who I am my kavod Oxley my sense of self must be preserved that's how important it is to understand and reflect really on the greatness of who we are we have to see the elevation of what it means to be creative it's a little kin to be created in God's image we have to understand what it means to be fully human it means that God resonates inside of us at Shem is it in us and if we have to be in touch with that and then agree to which were in touch with that degree to which I can't even do something which which I imitate or pretend that I'm doing something which might not be appropriate now I know I'm allowed to because I have a transmission but what's balancing that must be that feeling that my honor is of supreme importance because I don't realize my own greatness I really have no foundation we really have no foundation for achieving that which the tow wants us to achieve and what this home wants us to achieve is to see the greatness and others and celebrate this in the Almighty and if it doesn't begin from that place of our own sense of elegance our own sense of God loot our own sense of importance if we diminish it in any way even just to pretend to diminish it it can hurt it it can take away from it so when we think about this way that I think sometimes I tend to feel in this discussion this the one place we overlooked in a lot of our learning and maybe a lot of a lot of our ruling classes are what we hear you know we focus often on important is to have honor for our friends and it's so important how important is the banner for coach Barker Shem the course is important but I still think sometimes we forget that we have to look at ourselves and how important is to honor ourselves now of course this doesn't mean arrogance it really doesn't it doesn't mean we think we're above somebody else that agreed of which we want out of ourselves degrees which you want out of for someone else but we have to say that Who I am my cobbler dots me my own identity my own natural selling model Kim is what resonates inside of me I don't care for we have to do not to damage that in any way I think there's something to think about a little bit and and maybe even practically sometimes to do exercises that that bringing out you know I I remember I gave recently a hopperoo to the girls and Emmett and step it up and one of the exercises we did one week was really to focus on this a little bit and try to find small ways in our life in which we really enhance that couple dots me that sense of our own self sense of our own outlook elegance it can be very simple things you know for example it might mean instead of eating standing up I'm gonna eat soon death you know it it it might be you know instead of drinking the water from the bottle it might be pouring into a couple simple things whereby we're just acknowledging that there's a couple lots me there's an elegance to Who I am there's a godless there's a great distance it's a little kid and that needs to be preserved at all costs that has to be the foundation of who we are and if we can achieve that in ourselves I think then we have the keys to really enhance all relationships whether that be relationship with our friends family spouse parents children whatever it might be and of course the college of article it has to start from the copper box be that sense of our own greatness mrs. Shem we should all discover that greater than ourselves we should all realize who a college bar who created inside of us who and what we really are and by doing so being able to show the same covered in honor to everyone in our lives and of course tuition as well wishing everybody a wonderful week and looking forward to it in the discussion next week